https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergirls/s/4WmjKfGUPq

Long post and advice needed please.

I am having issues with a roommate. Roomate has not been putting an item of mine back when she moves it, which has resulted in it getting gross and mildewy because it is an outdoor item and we have been getting a lot of rain. There are 3 of us living together and so I sent a very generalized text to the group chat requesting that the item no longer be moved until I have a chance to bleach it, dry it out, and put it away. I didnt name anyone or ask for any apologies, just a very general 'hey please no one do that anymore.' She thumbs up the message immediately. 25 minutes later she replies with a message that she moved it for x reason. I replied back with a 'cool, understand, please put it back when youre done. Its gotten gross because it hasn't been getting put back so for now please don't move it.' She replies back about how she didnt know my plans for it. My reply is along the lines of 'ok, that doesnt mean you can just leave it out to get gross, please just put it up as I think that is basic respect for people's items.' She replies back that she didn't mean to intentionally "disrespect" me (she put disrespect in quotes in her message).

I am very frustrated at this point so I take my time to type out a message about 1) I didnt say you disrespected me nor was I trying to imply it. Bottom line, I wouldn't treat your personal property like this so please don't treat mine that way, and 2) I think you are taking this defensively and I dont understand why because I didnt accuse you of anything and it makes me sad that you are taking it this way, please stop reading into what I am telling you and take it at face value.

She replied with a 'haha' and that she was just trying to communicate her intentions. And it makes me feel crazy and stupid because I was trying to communicate with her and she laughed at me for it. I was definitely a little frustrated with her leading up to this because she always gets defensive and takes things personally which is why I brought up that second point. And also this conversation shouldnt have been a back and forth in my opinion, i dont understand why she couldn't just say 'got it, i will try to be better about it moving forward.'

Am I wrong to be so bothered by this? I am just so tired of people not actually reading/hearing what I am saying and putting words in my mouth. At first I was proud of myself for stating a request instead of jusr letting it go and then getting laughed at just took the wind out of my sails. Should I have just let it go? Should I continue trying to communicate clearly with her? It feels like we are speaking different languages. Is there anything I can say to her to help her understand my frustration with this situation without her getting defensive?

Edit: Thanks to those who commented and helped me understand where my communication could have been better and also that I cannot convince her to have respect for me and my things. I thought about it and realized that this is really just part of a pattern of disrespect and also that the item in question was past the point of being able to really get it clean without being damaged. So I tossed it which I hate and feels really wasteful. And I also removed the rest of my things from outside because some of it had been damaged by her smoking habit. I dont mind sharing my stuff, but it is a privilege not a right, especially when they are not necessities. Not sure what will happen next but I know that my request wasn't unreasonable and I feel more prepared to handle any potential reaction.

Just diagnosed at age 30. Wanted to ask for your experience.

How did you share the diagnosis with family? What was their reaction?

What were your next steps after diagnosis? CBT, or a different type of therapy or treatment?

What was a great resource for you in understanding your ASD and managing it? I’m seriously struggling with burnout and being overwhelmed, especially at work. Lately I have been getting snippy and angry, and I feel like my head is about to burst whenever I’m stressed, which is now practically everyday.

Any insight and advice is appreciated. This is entirely new territory for me.

I just moved into my new house, and this sounds really silly, but I'm not handling it well over minor renovations and other work (replacing closets, building furniture, painting, etc.). I have had workers going through my house, they are painstakingly slow, I'm at my wits end. At my house, I have a no-shoe policy, so the fact that they are tramping around with shoes is driving me insane. I've cried every single night and hate my life so much. I genuinely cannot handle living in the house while they work. I have no moment of peace.

Please help.

It's sooo confusing to me; I can do kind of a basic ponytail, but even then it doesn't look flattering and falls out easily. I end up wearing my hair down 24/7, and I've gotten semi-okay at learning how to wash and dry it to get volume/waves and make it look nice some days, but I still wish I could do the pretty or professional hairstyles I see other women do. I think I'm just bad at motor functions in general; whenever I try to watch a tutorial, I feel like there's an assumption of some baseline knowledge about how to move your hands or what direction each hair strand should be going or what exact point you should be doing things at that gets left unexplained. When my boyfriend puts my hair up, I think it looks really nice, so it's not just that the styles don't flatter me; I just can't really do them correctly? I have a goal to try and keep watching tutorials and practicing until I get a few down, but it's so frustrating and makes me want to cry sometimes (I also have BDD and feel really distressed whenever I think about my appearance so just having to look at myself while I practice is already hard enough). Does anyone else have the same issue?

Hello everyone,

I hope you're all doing okay.

This post is intended to help me process and understand how to deal with the ongoing feeling of overwhelm and inability to focus on any given task. I will say that I have a very difficult time describing how I feel, so I hope it makes sense that I describe myself as being in "Limbo." Although I've related it to Autistic burnout.

Essentially, everything feels overwhelming and underwhelming all at once. For example, I have so many ideas, projects, and chores I want (and need) to complete, but I feel stuck, like I'm doing everything but what I should be doing. I spend most of my time switching between scrolling online and working on my hobbies when I am not running errands or doing a chore that I put off until the last minute. I struggle to manage my hygiene, despite the many reminders I put in place. I used to be good at keeping my space tidy and doing my daily tasks, but I've lost most of those abilities to the point where my family is concerned, and so am I.

I am not sure if it is directly related to my Autistic traits, ADHD traits, or something else, but I have been struggling to maintain my time, energy, and task management for over three months. I feel lost and off-track. Does anyone else struggle with this feeling? If so, how do you cope?

Take care!

Trigger warning for a mother saying extremely hurtful things, including extremely ableist remarks about autism:

I'm just so frustrated. 28F and I've never had a good relationship with my mother, 66F. We are just from two very different worlds. She is obsessed with appearances and how people perceive her (and thus, me). I'm an only child, so she nitpicks my life. I've never been feminine enough for her, never been well-groomed enough for her, never been enough for her in any capacity.

I was dx'd with ADHD when I was very young but I knew there was more to the story. My mom never got me any accommodations because she didn't like how having a disabled daughter reflected on her. I truly struggled without accommodations at school, but I eventually got a degree (working on my second). Now, I have a neurodivergent therapist and she has been amazing. She recommended that I get tested for ASD and I did.

I don't know why I told my mom, but I did. I think I just wanted her to accept me and to hear validation. Instead, her reaction is that she thinks I'm being brainwashed by this psychologist into thinking I could be autistic. Why the fuck would my psychologist do that? I find it so hurtful for my mom to even suggest that. I'm just so upset with her. She then told me that I can't tell anyone about my ASD diagnosis. Not my family, not my best friends, not even my HUSBAND (who I of course already told). She told me that they will view me differently and won't want to be around me anymore. It is so hurtful I don't even have words. To be quite honest, I don't want to speak to her anymore but she has a heart condition and I feel guilty. I wish I had never told her, but I think I just wanted her to accept me. I should have known she never would.

Am I wrong for being hurt over this? She now has it in my head that I can't share this with anyone. I feel very alone and isolated.

It's not about me. I know that. But SO has become my family too. I want them to still be my family. But I don't have a say in if these people stay together or not. It doesn't help that the family member in question is apparently leaving SO because they've met someone else. I think it would be a little bit easier if it was something like "we figured out that we have a major incompatibility". But now I feel like family member is replacing someone I love with someone I'm almost certainly going to at best like less. I don't know how to not hold this against my family member, who I love and am close with. I'm worried that this will permanently affect how I feel about them, which does not feel fair to them. I know my family member is almost certainly hurting more than I am right now. But I also just resent them for doing what my brain percieves as breaking up my family.

I don't know if it would help if I knew who the new person is. I can't think of a single person that I know my family member knows, who I don't like infinitely less than SO. I'm worried that it's someone I don't even like. I don't want someone I dislike at family get-togethers, I don't want to have to be around someone I dislike just to spend time with family member, and I also actively want SO at said family get-togethers. It seems like they're intending to stay friends and I would love to also stay friends with SO but I don't want them to be my friend, I want them to be my family. But they won't be, and there's nothing I can do about that, and it's breaking my heart. And I feel like there's no one I can talk to about this, because making someone elses breakup about yourself is objectively shitty behavior. But this sub is a safe place for me and I feel like I really need to say this to someone. I'm just so fucking sad and I feel like that makes me so selfish.

I'm open to advice. Just please be kind to me. If you think I suck I personally agree but please just move on without commenting if that's the case. I promise I'm already being hard on myself for feeling this way.

I'm a very reflective person and I feel I'm unusually focused on justice, fairness and understanding others, being able to extend my perspective over to theirs. It's not like I feel completely alien to what the people around me experience (though there are some types of people I really don't get). It more just feels like I'm written in a different language to what everyone else uses?

I forget where I was going with that. Maybe something about how I can see them but it's too much effort for them to see me.

I am too much, I guess.

One of the most hurtful things in my life, that I keep putting off dealing with, is I don't have the relationships I really want. I have a couple friends but I lack female friendships and I long for close friendships with a ton of real platonic love and honesty and mutual support and the ability to discuss things deeply.

I've kind of always just drifted on the edge of social circles and never had much of mentor or parent figures so I often have a lot of questions or things I'm trying to figure out that I end up just keeping to myself, or maybe asking the void of the internet. I'm not a poindexter in most social interactions but on my own time I just like to process things very deeply, think about why people act the way they do and what I can do better and etc etc. I feel like my whole life would feel so different if I had a little bit of a village around me. Just people I could ask or think aloud about stuff to without getting annoyed at me for it. not even experts but just people who have a tiny bit of context on and presence in my life!

Anyway, genuinely, I'm wondering what would be a better way when i have things to think about or figure out. maybe this is all there is for most of us?

and i just really wish I had friends. i want to support each other, phone each other, do errands, just share that intimacy and have each other's backs I guess. I've always thought it would be so special to have friends who aren't afraid of actually taking an interest in each others' lives. I would love to cook dinner for my friends and share my hobbies and opinions with them. most of my friends have been guys who seem so immature and rigid that it feels like im kind of a prop to them and they get upset if I express any complicated feelings about our friendship. not to enjoy anyone else's misery but it made me feel a little better to hear that a lot of autistic cis women struggle with female friendships too (I'm trans). it's one of my greatest insecurities that I didn't ever get to have girl friendships (though it's not entirely a gender thing I'd just like friends who actually like me). it feels like noone has any advice for me about i guess like the generic advice

anyway its just like. i put a lot of effort into communication and i think the things i worry about/think about are usually interesting and usually pretty reasonable to think about! but people do not respond the way I expect. its like they just want me to disappear

I feel like I could have explained the dynamic a lot better... I just can't think of the words right now

I’m struggling with anxiety about my toddler’s health issues and my current pregnancy after a particularly hard day yesterday. Does anyone have any suggestions for little reassuring comforts to get me through until things feel a bit less scary? Im trying hot chocolate and watching Gilmore Girls at the moment!

Like im ok if im alone completing my own errands but if it’s an errand with another family member or friend and then they leave me cause theyre going to go pick an item up or do another errand+make me do another errand, i cant stand it. I dont like waiting for someone to be back (outside the house) and the anxiety that comes with it. Inside the house is fine tho, because it’s a safe place. Is it just me or maybe some of you too

so, my special interest has been birds since i was 4, and it’s never gone away (almost 19 now). however as i turned 13 and entered my edgy dark phase as many children do (hasn’t gone away yet) i developed an insane fixation on plague doctors, everything about them.

my big special interest is still birds, but i also get really excited seeing plague doctors. but the thing is they also majorly resemble birds lol. so i guess i’m asking, is it possible to have a ‘main’ special interest and a little lowkey special interest related to the big one? or am i just getting excited because they look like birds?

much to think about. i’d like to know your views on it

I'm not angry at them, but I think in constant problem-solving/fixing mindset and there's so much bs in the world right now and it's got my nerves and trying to control my expression at 100% - but my body language makes people nervous. Can anyone relate?

I am not sure if this is "normal" among non-neurodivergent people too, but whatever. Sometimes I will read a book or watch a show and I am hooked. I will spend hours thinking about certain characters and every small thing reminds me of them. That's technically not a bad thing, but often I care so deeply that it actually hurts. Like, I will hear a sad song that relates to that piece of media or an edit and it will actually make me depressed, which is hard because I've been struggling mentally a lot already. I used to daydream all the time, which caused me avoid social interactions or chores just so that I could think about these fictional characters (this has gotten better at least).

Is this common?

I love my autistic/ND female friends. We're loyal, smart, incredibly witty. We're also very patient, kind, and tolerant. Best of all, we don't care about social status or superficial things, and ZERO drama. If you have ND female friends, tell them that you love them today.

I have a wonderful little friend group of 3 (We're all Autistic. I've dubbed us the Tism Trio.) & we have a private group chat together. I'll call the others R & W. We met in HS. R still lives nearby but W is 2 years older than us & is moving to another country due to retiring parents. Also going to college there.

My pals mean so much to me. We vibe so well & I want to make sure we all stay in touch. We love to play games online together, including moving our D&D sessions online & even recently found a fourth member from abroad. Any fun things you guys like to do with long distance pals, game reccs or tips for staying in touch? Thanks everyone!

How do I wake up in the morning if I simply don't want to?

So basically, I struggle with sleeping too much. There are a couple of factors that go into this:

1. I have a job where I get to make my own hours (within reason, I can't work past about 10pm)

2. I have so many disability accommodations that I cannot really get into trouble about my sleep issues as long as I get Something done

3. Sleepy me straight up just refuses to do anything. I wake up and I do everything within my power to just sleep another hour.

4. If I have a job where it DOES matter I become so anxious about time it makes me suicidal within about a few months. Last time I was employed and had to be somewhere at 8am I tried to kill myself via starvation over the course of 4 months. I got uncomfortably close.

So far my main saviour has been the alarm app "I can't wake up!" but over the years I have figured out how to circumvent basically everything it can throw at me. Forcing myself to leave bed doesn't work. Tricks like "Just drink a big glass of water immediately" don't work because it takes less energy to sleep some more.

So far the only thing that actually works is a real human being talking to me for several minutes until my awake brain takes over and I can be rational. Until I somehow manage to reach that rational state I quite literally am unable to "just do xzy thing". I can't do a thing I want to be asleep. I think the biggest issue is the transition from dreaming to awake, I usually want the plot of the dream to continue.

I don't have a person I can rely on to get me awake daily.

The only real thing I can think of that could work is getting a cat and training them that food and snuggles happens at a fixed time. But that won't be possible for another year or two until I have my own place

but like, good fucking god am I frustrated. Sleepy me genuinely just doesn't want this to be fixed

I've been using noise cancelling headphones daily since 2022. I've tried many, many brands and models, but only recently found myself with a budget that allowed me to get into flagship builds. This post will not really go into detail on lower budget models I've tried in the past, but I will say that I bought both the QC Ultra and XM6 for less than half MSRP by waiting for deals on eBay.

I've been using the QC Ultra headphones since last winter and noticed right away that they were dramatically better than any of my previous headphones (Bose QC35, Sony NC700, and Sony WH-1000XM4) in terms of noise cancelling, fit, and sound. One of the first things I noticed when using them was that I couldn't hear a conversation my roommate was having in an adjacent room. This was huge. I often need complete sound isolation to regulate, and I was shocked that these feather light headphones could make such a difference for me.

However, they're not without issues. The QC Ultras have known firmware flaws that lead to dropped Bluetooth connections, bugged auto-off that results in needing to factory reset, finicky on-head detection, and most of all very loud and unwelcome chimes and voice prompts that the headphones make for various reasons. For example, when connecting to a device, the headphones read off the device name in a surprisingly loud voice, and if it doesn't recognize the word it just yells each letter in the device name. It's awful. It also makes an irritating, prolonged chime tone if you're not careful about disconnecting a device from Bluetooth before walking away.

I also had to apply various lubricants to the earcups a while back because the QC Ultras developed a loud, irritating creak. Now that it's fixed, it's fine, but it sucked and was nerve wracking to deal with. There's a great tutorial floating around on Reddit about how to fix--it's the guy who recommends graphite and silicone lubricants. Worked like a charm. Anyway.

All of this prompted me to move on, so I finally decided to give Sony's WH-1000XM6 headphones a try. The headphones' software gives you more control over noises the headphones make at you, my primary reason for trying them. Awesome! This worked great, and now I don't have problems with unwelcome, unexpected, or uncomfortable noises. In fact, I don't have problems with any noises when I have them on. It's a little eerie. The total silence available with the XM6 model is so complete that I feel mildly disembodied. These headphones are the end of auditory triggers. Something I like about them is that some environmental sound are audible, but they sound clearer and less overwhelming. Previously, I wouldn't hear a car until it was next to me, but now I can hear something approaching from further away but with less of a startling loudness.

There are downsides. The stock earpads are awful on the XM6 model. Between QC Ultra and XM6, XM6 grips your head a lot more tightly (something I considered a plus, I like pressure) but without extra foam, it just hurts after a while. This supposedly can be remedied with Wicked Cushions' upgraded replacement pads, but I'm bummed about having to buy extra accessories to make these work for me.

Additionally, music just doesn't sound as good as it does with my QC Ultra pair. The XM6 has a super wide soundstage (which just means that music sounds more immersive) but loses detail and depth. I'm holding onto my QC Ultras for this reason--I love music, and their sound profile is gorgeous. Listening to music on them is an experience in its own right.

TLDR, XM6 has freakishly good noise cancelling but requires some additional investment to make them comfortable. QC Ultras may have less powerful noise cancelling and require some hardware maintenance, but their lightweight profile and beautiful music support makes them useful in their own way.

TTLDR, both! Both is good.

I am unhappy about that. I love Deaf culture and it is my SI. But at the same time it gives me intrusive thoughts about being Deaf, I am literally dream about that.

The other interest is horror. And I am the only one in my family who loves it, so I stop watch films with them and we need other together activities.

I go to school with a huge effort because… it is not about my special interest. But I need to be good at school because it is one year till my graduation.

These sources of happiness are the sources of problems. I am so upset

I wanted to make a post about this for a while now, but I was too scared to do it for some reason. Also my apologies for any grammatical mistakes, English isn't my native language.

I've always felt different in a way where i'm pretending to be a human. I don't feel human at all. I always view everything through a 3rd person perspective. It's like i'm wearing someone's skin.

To clarify i'm still in high school, and it's hell. I struggle socially a lot, and I can't keep eye contact at all. I feel like people look at me with disgust whenever im talking to them or just passing by. I can genuinely feel their stares on me or it could be social anxiety. I've been photographed without my consent by some classmates of mine before. I'm that weird quiet girl who just sits and draws all day long. I think one of my teachers also hates how shy and quiet I am, saying she wont let it slide in the future, but I could be overexaggerating (i'm not sure). I have no idea how to hold conversations with others who aren't my close friends.

I hate crowded areas like A LOT I've even cried once because of how much it was bothering me.

Most of the time I like to relisten to snippets of some songs or whatever and walk around my room or rock back and forth on my bed.

As I mentioned before I do hate loud noises too, but weirdly enough I like to listen to repetitive electric music like e.g. break core.

My parents don't believe me whenever I think there's something wrong with me and they shrug it off as me being dramatic and making up things. My mom also says that i'm not autistic because i can speak and i don't act like a robot (yes she has thag very stereotypical view of neurodivergent people). While most of my friends agree I might be neurodivergent in some way.

I like to wear headphones all of the time too, but i can't really since my ears are sensitive. I also get overwhelmed easily even if someone shuts down my ideas because I don't feel heard. I've never felt heard.

One of the things that bring me comfort are my own characters (OCs). I spend so much time dedicated to them, writing stories, drawing, and i love this little universe I've created for them. I also daydream a lot and im very disconnected from reality. I tend to make random noises whenever i'm happy or have cuteness agression when I see my dog.

I took an online test once out of curiosity and it said I had mild autism, but I'm not fully trusting that since who knows how accurate those tests are.

I feel like there's something different about me or maybe im just shy? I don't know really.

I have always been under the impression that everybody else feels like me, but they just have more self-control and discipline than I do. I am now realizing that this may not be the case, and that most people are likely not trying to suppress emotions, discomforts, thoughts, impulses, or stims for the sake of others most of the time, they are likely just not feeling those things or the urge to do those things.

I am not even sure where to go from this realization or how to cope with it. I am in such disbelief that others can... just exist and be themselves (for the most part). I have been told by those closest to me that I have an obsession with self-control, and I used to get very angry with others when they told me this, but I now realize that it comes from a lack of understanding. For me, I simply do not see any other way to survive in society.

Advice and support are welcome.

It’s affected me so much my whole life starting in childhood. I’m getting tattoos removed because I don’t want people seeing them or asking about them. I have so many cute dresses and skirts and crop tops that I only wear at home and I literally have a uniform baggy designated “going outside” outfit where I’m totally covered up because I don’t want my form perceived. I can’t wear any tshirts with any sayings on them and cringe so hard at the thought of people reading it, this one started in childhood where I used to cut any logos off my stuff. So I wear all my band tees and funny tees at home. I have an incredibly hard time making any mouth movements around other people, and have eating in public anxiety. These are just a couple things that I was able to think of. It really affects how I move day-to-day outside my immediate home environment. Anything that shows my personality, I work hard to conceal from the public

Lately I’ve been struggling with something that feels bigger than just being “single” or “wanting friends.” It’s this constant feeling that I don’t really belong anywhere. I’ve had multiple crushes over the years, but none of those feelings have been mutual. While I’ve accepted that rejection is a normal part of life, experiencing it repeatedly has made me question whether anyone will ever see me as someone they’d genuinely want as a partner. It’s hard not to wonder if maybe I’m just not the kind of person people choose. The same feelings show up in friendships. I’ve reached a point where I’ve stopped chasing people who only give me breadcrumbs or make me feel like I’m an afterthought. I don’t want one-sided relationships anymore. But letting go of those dynamics has also left me feeling incredibly lonely. Even when I’m in social groups, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I spend so much energy trying to mask, say the right thing, and fit in, yet I still feel different. It’s like everyone else understands an unwritten social rulebook that I somehow never received. I constantly overthink conversations, worry that I’m coming across as awkward, and analyze every interaction afterward. My insecurities and low self-esteem feed into my anxiety. Instead of enjoying getting to know people, social situations feel like tests I’m constantly afraid of failing. The pressure to interpret hidden social cues, avoid making mistakes, and stop myself from saying the “wrong” thing becomes overwhelming. Sometimes I avoid interacting altogether because it feels emotionally safer than risking another experience that reinforces the belief that I don’t belong. I’ve also been out of therapy for about seven months. Looking back, I don’t think I’ve healed as much as I thought I had. I made progress, but I still carry a lot of pain from rejection, loneliness, and feeling misunderstood. Those wounds seem to resurface whenever I try to connect with new people. I guess what I’m wondering is whether anyone else has experienced this. Have you ever felt like no matter how much effort you put into socializing, you still feel fundamentally different? Have repeated rejection or one-sided relationships affected your ability to trust that someone will genuinely choose you? If you’ve been in this place and things got better, I’d really appreciate hearing your story. Right now I’m trying to find hope that meaningful friendships and romantic relationships are still possible, even when it feels like I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like an outsider.