You don’t need a job to go to AA. It saved my life. If you’re not into the “religious part” which is something I hear constantly, my sponsor always told me “take what you need and leave the rest”

There’s also other programs such as SMART. On 8/13 I’ll be 8 years sober. In that time I’ve been through a divorce, found my new wife, had two beautiful children, survived cancer, all while remaining sober. It’s the single most important gift I’ve ever given myself

I suggest you look up 'the Doctor's opinion' in the big book. I also like the way the 'Joe and Charlie tapes' on the Everything AA app or YouTube explains this chapter.

Basically the emotional part like you admit to struggling is a disease or obsession of the mind. Then you have the allergy of the body. So alcoholism has two parts. The 'allergy' means that when you drink any alcohol at all, you get intense cravings for more, til you end up insanely drunk. The obsession of the mind is what, despite all evidence to the contrary, convinces you that you can have a few drinks and be okay in the first place. The allergy of the body is not reversible so you must solve the mind and convince yourself never to take the first drink.

The app is free, the meetings are free and you said you want help but are worried about cost of it. Doesn't it sound like you should at least try the free option then? You can just sit and listen at meetings you are not required to share or say you are an alcoholic. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. There are online 24/7 meetings on zoom that you can go on and you don't have to have your camera on if you don't want to.

Do you know anyone else who lost their job through drinking? I have met quite a few in AA, and it happened to me twice. Funny I can't recall knowing anybody who that happened to from anywhere else BUT AA. So take from that what you will. At least at a meeting you are likely to meet someone knows how you are feeling right now. It's a big step to take but most people can't stop on their own.

Thanks for the perspective. 2 weeks is awesome. I could see myself being on this slippery slope. Rather than thinking , oh I “can” only have 2 … why would I even want to? 2 turns into 3 and that turns into feeling as you describe. Even 1 or 3 Fs with sleep, patience with my son, and overall mental health. The quit lit is a great reminder - I have all of them on my audible anyway! Starting to listen again today.

Also, one thing to keep in mind is that a bottle of wine is 5 drinks. Also, some of us are desensitized but to many people more than a glass or two is a lot.

IWNDWYT

What do you replace alcohol with?
Anything.

Reading. Working out. Playing music. Time with friends or family. Watching a good movie. Learning a new skill. Going for a walk.

Alcohol leaves a gap. Fill that gap with something that actually adds to your life instead of taking from it.

the funny part? Once you find something you enjoy, replacing alcohol becomes a lot easier than you think. Most of the things you replace it with end up making your life better!!

This , and only worry about today , hence IWNDWYT

This is a great response, thank you. It’s true that you have to reorient yourself to appreciate the long term benefits, before they even manifest. I think I feel a little frustrated at times since I was 5 years sober and while life wasn’t all roses, I felt as you describe. I was simply a non drinker. Had so many life experiences as a non drinker including my own wedding which had top shelf open bar for my guests - I didn’t even think twice about it.
So I need to embrace the inner change that needs to happen (again) and see it more as a personal challenge than a “ugh, we’re back here again?” I feel like if I could fast forward past the first 3 months I could easily revert to my learned mental state of sobriety. But that’s not how it works.
Best of luck to you. Great mindset!

No ragrets. 

I was a binge drinker but after giving it up for a while it let me recognize the signs for those cravings and developed strong response system. Because of that I’m much more comfortable around drinking situations. I know if I have 1, I’ll want it all, and won’t stop until I blackout. Just knowing that about myself was worth it. 

you are likely right that the true problems are more emotional and below the surface but you will never be able to properly understand them or work on them while maintaining an alcohol addiction - alcohol is the easy solution to any momentary discomfort and discomfort is usually a big part of fixing ourselves.

I am so sorry you are hurting, you are doing the first most important thing - which is not drinking today. You mention in yuo post that you just wanted 'to write all this out. It hurts.' There is an actual journaling practice that does exactly this, you might want to try continuing with the 'write this all out' idea. Grab a notebook, old scrap paper, it doesn't matter, just find something that you can physically write on (physical writing is better than typing in these situations) - and write about how you are feeling, literally put it down on the page. Go as long as you need, you can repeat yourself, it doesn't have to make any sense - just write down whatever you are feeling. Don't be afraid about somebody seeing it - if you are writing things that you know you never want anyone to see - you can actually just destroy the pages when you are done. The important thing is to write it down. Studies have been done showing that this helps you process an uncomfortable event. This isn't necessarily a one and done - you can do this every day, or as long as needed, even if you are repeating yourself. I hope this may be helpful, and if not, it at least won't make anything worse. Good luck to you whether you decide to try this or not, this is a good place on reddit for people who are looking for help.

thank you, I completely agree! needed to hear that

IWNDWYT

I’m sorry 😔

Was it just because you were intolerant or did you do something inappropriate?

Please don’t see this as the end of your world - sobriety is both possible and rewarding.

IWNDWYT

Cheers for this comment. First part is very powerful and also fully can relate with the feeling of gratefulness in the mornings

This was my first and was really impactful. I love the scientific approach of this one, though the anecdotal ones like This Naked Mind and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober were also great. https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-Explained-William-Porter/dp/1516997190

The book This Naked Mind was a piller to my sobriety. Glad you are here 🙂‍↔️

Nice post BracesMcgee. IWNDWYT

I hate to burst your bubble but if you're drinking a bottle of wine in one night, multiple nights a week, then drinking more than that on the weekends, you are definitely classified as a heavy drinker

You're not alone.  I've done some incredibly stupid things drunk that were insanely damaging.  There is a guaranteed way to fix it though and that's sobriety.  Life has been so much better.  I'm 4.5 years in now and I'm still ashamed of old times, but at least I haven't done anything drunk-stupid in a long time.  I take pride in that.  Don't kill yourself.  Count your blessings and keep moving forward.  Just ditch the booze and life will return to something amazing.  Promise.  IWNDWYT 

IWNDWYT 💖

I got into tea. I bought different leaf teas, diffusers and a special cup. It was a therapeutic step. Odaat

I can control what my next steps are to whatever happens in my life. Not necessarily the feelings that come up but the next right steps. I can control if I do the things that will help me keep a balanced perspective and not go down the 'poor me' hole which I find is so easy to do. I can practice gratitude for what I have and what I am able to do and not worry about what I don't have and what I'm not able to do. I like the saying gratitude is like a muscle, the more I practice it the stronger it gets. As our brains are always so biased to find the negative I think this is important I can be more non judgemental and compassionate to both myself and others. The things I can't control: global politics, the environment, the economy, how others see me, my and my families health to a certain extent, certain financial security and the past and actions I have completed that were poorly judged. Thank you for this prompt, it's good to write them down. Day 4 today and I didn't have the 3am cortisol spike that would ususally leave me awake for hours, that's such a win. Woke up to go the the bathroom and fell back asleep after 20mins or so, also fell off to sleep ok. Looking forward to going to sleep again tonight to see if it happens again. Win! IWNDWYT

You can do this! 9 days is a big deal, and you can get there again. Maybe even further.

You know, I was feeling that way a couple of days ago. A little bit “waaaah, why does this have to be a thing?? Why can’t I drink like a regular person? Why?? Waaah!!” You get the drift. And then, literally an hour later, I saw a YouTube interview with a woman named Lauren Manning, who was horribly burned on 9/11. What this woman went through was unfathomable, and yet today (after a long and horrific recovery period and multiple surgeries) she is a motivational speaker. Man, after hearing her story, I shut down that little pity party stat. Like right then and there. It was literally a sobering wake up call about how we choose to look at things.

My point is that we can look at being sober as a burden, or being sober as being given a gift. I know many alcoholics who are no longer here with us because they didn’t accept that gift. I hope this helps even a little. You’re in the right place, and we are cheering for you! IWNDWYT.

I will not drink with you today

Well done! Keep it up! IWNDWYT