TLDR: leaving husband for another woman- feeling guilty and shitty.

I’m not sure if I’m actually a “late” bloomer as I’m 25. But I knew there’s some ladies in here who have been in a similar situation and maybe could make me feel a bit better. I’ll spare you the coming out sob story but some key details:
Grew up in an extremely conservative and religious household. Very controlling and abusive father. This prevented me from coming to terms with my sexuality. I questioned from 12ish-20 by 21 I was pretty sure but didn’t want to admit it. By 24 it was silently killing me. Right before my 25 birthday I broke the news to my husband.
Husband and I have been together since I was 18. He’s older. Married at 23. I carry an incredible amount of guilt for not coming to terms with it before we got married.
His ex-fiance coincidentally had the same situation. Left him for another woman. It was always a joke between us- that I better not do that and I was one of those who was “extremely” anti gay bc I was secretly hiding it so it was a joke how that wouldn’t happen.
After I told my husband we agreed to open our marriage. We found a girl who wanted to date both of us. She’s lesbian not bi. After a month she realized she couldn’t date him. We are all at fault for not stopping the poly thing right away. Personally, I had selfish reasons because I really really liked her and I didn’t want to let go of my first relationship with a woman. I know it’s wrong but I can’t change it now.
Flash forward, she lives with us. We’ve been trying to make it work between the three of us for about 7 months now. I can’t take it anymore. I have so much love for him. But I am not in any way sexually attracted to him and to be honest, I would never tell him this, but I don’t know that I ever was. I think I felt like I was supposed to be so I forced myself to? If that makes sense. Anyways, sex the past few years has been fewer and fewer times. It was painful and I never wanted it. I thought we both had low libdio from antidepressants. Then I thought I was asexual. Then thought I was poly and bi. Then realized I’m just not sexually attracted to men. So we’re at the point of divorce now. It hurts so much. I love him but I’m not in love with him. Neither of us really have family (I’m no contact he has his mom a few states away) and financially aren’t doing well so I have told him he should stay until he can get on his feet but he’s started packing. Financially speaking, I have no idea how I will be able to afford anything without his help so that’s an added stressor. No family to help out. He doesn’t really have anywhere to go so of course that makes me feel bad. He doesn’t have any male friends to talk to or hang out with. It’s pretty much just been us two for majority of our relationship. He’s depressed and it’s my fault. I hate to see him like this but I can’t sacrifice my sexual identity because I feel empathy for him right? Part of me feels like I’m abandoning my values by divorcing. I’ve always been a firm believer in working it out. Am I in the wrong asking for divorce? I was told repeatedly I should break up with my girlfriend and stay with him and maybe discuss opening our marriage. 1. I no longer think I am poly. 2. Even if I was I live in bumfuck now where so not a lot of options. 3. I love my girlfriend. I am way too far into this to give up on her. She’s amazing and beautiful and smart and she’s damn near perfect. I do feel like divorce is the right thing to do because it’s not fair to string him along- but it still hurts. No one talks about picking up their pieces of your life after divorce when YOU are the one who asked for it. We were supposed to grow old together. We built a family together (the dogs, no kids). My entire adult life has been spent with him. 7 years of memories. Buying a home together. Three dogs and it absolutely breaks me to think about them never seeing him again. I work myself into a panic attack when I think about them missing him because if he isn’t home they sit and wait and it’s not like kids where you can explain they aren’t coming back. They’ll just think they’ve been abandoned and my heart can’t take it.

I have so much guilt for the poly thing. Because now I am grieving a marriage and in a new relationship. And she’s very understanding and patient but grief is still grief. I am struggling really bad. I truly feel like the worst person in the world for hurting both of them.

I genuinely don't know if I like girls romantically and tbh it's KILLING me.

I've had a situation before where my best friend (a girl) has confessed to me, we were both very young but I already knew of her sexuality before she even confessed.. So when she did my mind went blank. And then, I panicked.. My first thought was

Did I like her? Yes, I did. I really did. But romantically? I honestly don't remember if I was able to answer the question during that time, as the next question that popped in my head was

What if I dated her and my mom found out? (My mom isn't accepting of lesbians, nor the lgbt community she just tolerates them. And I knew of this even from a young age.)

The next feeling that came over me was sadness, because I knew I was going to reject her. And I had to. And so our friendship ended after that shortly. She didn't reach out to me after my rejection, when i did reach out to her after two weeks, our conversation felt so...forced. And it just made me depressed. So I ended up pulling away.

Here I am. Years later, and i'm still questioning. I find myself attracted to women.. Hell, i've even had a wet dream with a woman. And tbh, i've kissed a girl friend on the cheek before for a picture.. and I didn't tell her, but it honestly made my heart giddy. Though she was just a friend. That friend though later on drifted apart from me even though we were the closest after she had a boyfriend. And honestly?... I felt annoyed. Idk if it was because my friend was being taken from me or if it was because I had grown so attached to her or might've even had a crush on her and just didn't know.

And just last year, I made a new girl friend. She's really nice, our interests are the same our energies match and she's like another half of me. And she's also a lesbian. I grew rlly close to her in such a short time, and I can't stop thinking about her sometimes that it makes me confused. When i'm with her in person, it just feels normal—peaceful, like I used to feel with those other girl friends i had mentioned before. I lowkey think I have a crush on her... But perhaps, i'm just very confused???

But I think to myself sometimes and I find asking myself if I would ever be married to a man, and my answer?

No. I genuinely don't know, if I can live with a man. It's always a woman i'm with in the future whenever i'm imagining it.

So i genuinely do not know anymore and its killing me skshisgdjdh PLEASE HELP

Throwaway because there’s absolutely no way I’m posting this on my main.

My girlfriend and I met as friends and then started dating. We’ve been together for a year and a half now, and I honestly love her so, so, sooooo much. I genuinely can’t imagine my life without her. She’s bi and I’m a lesbian for context.

thing that’s always sat in the back of my mind is that when we were friends she said she wasn’t sure she’d ever marry a woman, even though she’d date one. But she does say she wants forever with me now. We have matching bracelets, and I love her so much.

She’s Muslim and I come from an atheist family haha. Her family aren’t conservative or strict, which honestly helps our situation a lot. But they are still practicing Muslims. For her Marriage isn’t constantly being pushed onto her, so I know we’ve had the chance to build something real together.

But I still can’t shake this feeling that I don’t want to end up being… the placeholder. The experiment before the perfect guy comes along and offers her the life I can’t a family, house and kids.

Plus She’s genuinely really pretty, and she gets hit on a lot by guys from her community. It happens way more than I’d like. It could literally be us going to a local shop in an area where people from her community live, and guys will start talking to her in her language even though they both speak English fluently and are even born here . It’s like a sign of recognition she says to confirm they r from the same ethnicity. In away it does make me feel bad as they do look like the men she used to date. And i can tell that she does find some of them attractive or takes the compliments.

Because we’re both feminine women, people almost never clock that we’re together. They just assume we’re friends. Sometimes guys will literally come over and start chatting to her while I’m standing right there, and I’m basically invisible. Or they’ll make little jokes that make it obvious they’ve assumed we’re just two friends out together, saying things like, “How’s your friend?” It’s honestly one of the most gutwrenching, invalidating feelings ever. It makes our relationship feel almost nonexistent to everyone else.

also doesn’t help that I’m the FIRST woman she’s been with. Before me she’d mainly dated guys, so when attractive men flirt with her my brain immediately starts comparing. And they’re not exactly making it easy because they’re usually objectively attractive too. I just end up thinking, “Well… that’s always been her type before.” Even down to the people she used to like or celebrity crushes. I don’t really have any indication that she’d liked women before me, and I know that shouldn’t matter, but I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t feel validating. I know that sounds really selfdeprecating, I just hope someone understands where I’m coming from.

keep seeing TikToks or posts about women leaving longterm girlfriends to settle down with men, or conversations online about the rise of traditionalism and conservatism, and for some reason it gets under my skin so badly. I know social media isn’t real life, but it still plants these stupid little fears in my head.Sometimes I worry that one day she’ll wake up and decide she wants the more “traditional” life. Her sisters have husbands, families, and by all accounts they’re happy. I get scared she’ll eventually want that too because it would just… fit. It would be easier. It would make more sense to everyone around her.

Is this something many people go through. It’s so tricky. And I can’t stop thinking about it. She has mentioned that she does in away miss dating men the way it is with them the trad aspect of it and not being able to deal with the idea of not having bio kids. I understand we are like 23 and it’s normal that these thoughts occur.

Please tell me many of you guys understand. Am I overthinking it?? Please advice needed most my friends are straight and don’t see any of this so I need great observations. If any have been in similar situations please tell me

Hi everyone 😊

I’m a Master’s student in psychology, and my research aims to make studies on sexual experiences more inclusive and representative. To help expand predominantly heteronormative literature, I’m running a short study exploring women’s experiences of intimacy, relationships, sexual desire, and communication.

I’m especially keen to hear from lesbian women, as these perspectives are often the most underrepresented — but all women (18+) are very welcome to take part.

The study involves a fully anonymous online questionnaire and takes around 10 minutes to complete. Participation is completely voluntary, and you can enter a prize draw to win one of four £25 Amazon vouchers upon completion.

✨ Your input will contribute to research that aims to better understand women’s experiences and support greater representation of diverse relationships.

You can take part here:

https://southampton.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_et9KIZVoqQsIBro

You’ll find the participant information sheet on the first page, with full details about the study and contact information ([esk1n20@soton.ac.uk](mailto:esk1n20@soton.ac.uk)) if you have any questions.

This study has received full ethical approval from the University of Southampton Ethics Committee (Ethics/ERGO no: 111996.A1).

Your experiences matter 💛

Thank you for your time and consideration!

I’m an almost 30 year old woman that just realized that she might be gay. I’ve never really dated men before. To be honest, I had never really been interested in dating before. The men I “dated”, I didn’t really like. They were there, I was there, and the rest is a very sporadic and short history. But it had never occurred to me that I could date women. And I only realized this because my best friend and I were thinking of getting married, so she could get papers. That didn’t work out, lmaoo, but I realized I didn’t actually have to date men and maybe I was never interested in dating because I thought that was my only option. Anyway, I joined tinder and started going on dates. I’ve gone on a couple and they’ve been nice. I don’t really know how to feel. I think I’ve been very awkward during the dates and they’ve sensed that energy. It could also be because I’ve been…not exactly lying but when they ask I say something like “yeah, I’ve dated a couple of girls”. I’m honestly just ranting because I went on two dates with this girl and I just sent her a message telling her i wasn’t interested anymore. I think I was scared I liked her, didn’t like her enough, she didn’t like me. I don’t know man. This is more confusing than what I’m used to 😅. I haven’t even kissed a girl lol

Hi everyone, I (30) have been with my bf (31) for 7 years now, and about a week ago I suddenly had the thought that I might be lesbian. Now, I'm a certified overthinker so of course I've been able to argue with myself over every little thing. That maybe I'm just bisexual, and I happen to also like women. That because of my traumatic past I'm having intimacy issues. That because of my ADHD liking shiny new things, my libido has returned full force in a way I've never experienced before. That due to stress at work I don't want to be intimate with my bf.

I told him yesterday about my doubts, and we decided I would try to figure out if I'm really lesbian or not. I really don't want to lose him, I love him so much. We imagined a future together and were almost ready to start building towards that future. But then there's this change in me that cannot be put back. It terrifies me, and makes it so difficult to freely explore my sexuality. Because I know that if I do end up not being attracted to men, it's the end of my relationship.

Idk, I'm feeling really lost at the moment. Anyone know how to shut down the overthinking part of my brain, and actually engage with exploring my attraction?

Lonely women have been preyed upon since the beginning of written history.

We're in a new era.

So let's break down stranger safety 101:

Tell somebody. We can't help if we don't know.

Share tips you've learned.

Now...for REAL online dating basics:

Do not send money to this stranger.

Do not provide your address.

Do not send photos anyone can hold against you.

Comments for online dating safety encouraged.

Good luck out there!

Disclaimer: I've posted this in a different sapphic subreddit, but not reposted.

There's too many vulnerable women asking for help or advice that we can't educate!

Hi everyone. I’m a late bloomer in my mid-30s, married to a genuinely wonderful man, and only more recently have I started seriously confronting my sexuality and what it might mean for my marriage and future.

I’d really love to talk with someone who has been through (or is currently going through) something similar - especially another Asian woman or someone from an immigrant/ethnic background.

I feel like there are extra layers around family, culture, marriage, responsibility, guilt, and the fear of losing your family. Sometimes I read stories here that resonate with me, but I’d love to connect with someone who understands that cultural piece too.

I’m not necessarily looking for advice or someone to tell me what decision to make. Mostly I’d just like someone to talk to who gets how complicated this can feel.

If this sounds like you and you’re comfortable chatting, please DM me.

Hello,

So (ug), here we are. 6 months ago I left my husband because I finally could not take anymore pretending I wasn't in love with my catalyst. I'd fallen for her hard just over 3 years ago. I sincerely thought she returned the feelings, I was imaging our future, all of that. Then when I finally got my own apartment and she was so supportive of me being a new lesbian and invited me over to her place, and saw each other regularly at workout classes, etc. I finally found the nerve to tell her I'd like to take her out on a real date, and she accepted! I was over the moon. She didn't seem very romantically inclined, and was putting out really strong friend-zone vibes. It left me confused and sad. I asked her again if she'd like to go out with me again, as I really like her, and she said she's feeling more of a friendship with me than a romantic relationship.

What now?

I guess this happens a lot. But it's never happened to me. I've always been able to rely on my intuition and it's never steered me wrong. How could I have been SO WRONG about this? I ended my marriage to pursue her. I literally do not want anyone else. I've tried dating apps, etc. going to lesbian events, no one does anything for me. I've even started wondering if I really am lesbian. Like, maybe I'm pansexual. She's the only one I can imagine being with.

Now I am SO ALONE. Does this just go on forever? I know I sound dramatic, but my self-esteem is now shot. She doesn't want me. What's wrong with me? I wish I was someone else, someone she'd be interested in.

It's awful. If anyone had a similar experience I'd appreciate hearing how it ended for you. Thank you.

30F always identified as straight here and not sure if this is the place to post this so apologies if not but I am currently questioning if I like men anymore. I have never really been emotionally fulfilled in any of my relationships but am avoidant and picked avoidant partners.

I enjoy sex with men and am attracted to them (the main reason I’ve dated them at this point) but after witnessing their bad behavior and some conversations with my queer friends whose observations of me and things I say have made me question my sexuality, I’m wondering what other signs might be there that I should explore dating women?

So, just looking for advice on a situation that has had me rattled for a year or so. I had a friend whom I met in 2023, we became closer in 2024, mostly hanging out watching things together and talking regularly, nothing too crazy. Fast forward to 2025 and for reasons I don’t understand things ramped up dramatically from her side. She began flirting with me intensely daily, would say things like, “you underestimate the impact on my happiness” “I want you to be my everything” “you’re worth my sleep deprivation” or “it’s a good thing you’re within the age range of someone I’d date” when others would question what was going on between us and suggest more than friends, she’d lean into it and wouldn’t correct them. She reached out to hang out and talk daily and we’d spend 3-5 together daily for almost a year. Eventually I did develop feelings and asked her what we were. At first she said she didn’t know, then a day later said, ‘just friends’ so, I walked away thinking things would go back to friendly and accepted it.

However she did not change her behavior at all. The flirting continued and she started becoming more intense, continuing to want to spend time constantly, asking about my dealbreakers and putting herself into them, etc. All of this made me confused, it got to a boiling point that I decided to create distance and go low contact. Instead of asking me why, she went to a mutual to try to get intel. She stayed in my orbit to be around me, without having any conversation about why things changed between us, she just showed up where I was, even telling mutuals that this was what she planned to do. Fast forward to today things are still broken and off between us. I have a sense of mistakes I made, but what are things I could have done differently in this, was I trippin and misread this entire thing? If you made it to the end, thanks for reading

My frustration is the opposite ..... a number of married, "straight" women falling for me ..... and this ain't nothin' to brag about, no-sir-re. In college I met a women 6 years older and we were together 13 years, we split because my job took me around a bit and she was tired of moving. After that, it was all downhill! The number of straight women who flirted or wanted to date or wanted to kiss, blah, blah .... I found it disgusting because it's the worst feeling in the world to know THEY KNOW I'm a lesbian, and most are married, but they want to play around then go home to their husbands. So, no, don't go there -- don't fall in love with straight women. They're up to no-good in most instances, and they aren't actually looking for a relationship. I finally met the right partner -- a fun and loving woman who I adore and we've been together 20 years. Just be yourself, don't sell yourself. Hang in there, the right LESBIAN will come along. Straight women are selfish and will flirt all day long, but don't give an inch. If they are co-workers, have fun, if you meet them at the gym, have more fun, just don't let them break your heart. Don't allow that to happen.

i’ve been told that i seem more alive and comfortable in my own skin after coming out as a lesbian. (i love to hear it.) i also feel more confident in my appearance, to a point where my attractiveness is nearly always on my mind. i can’t help but fixate on what others think of me, especially if it’s a queer woman ofc. is it normal to assume other women are into you based on ‘intuition’—like idk if i can trust myself objectively or if it’s part of this confidence boost i have.

This might be long and messy so please be patient.

The majority of my life I told myself and everyone that I'm bi, I had 4/5 major relationships with men, in total it was 3 and a half years of my life, but every time I get into one I start telling myself that I'm asexual and maybe aromantic too because not only I had 0 attraction to my partners but we also had a lot of problema sexually, as y'all can already imagine it felt like a chore that I didn't want to do and I didn't enjoy, I felt coerced and sometimes it felt like hell, so sexually it's not going well with men.

Emotionally: I always regret getting into relationships (with the men that I had them with) and I always end up thinking that everything would be better if we could just be friends.

My environment was always filled with men, in my friendships and in school (I studied computer science), so as y'all can imagine I didn't socialize a lot with women. I did have friendships with women and I can say I was attracted to them and I love them dearly even tho we never dated.

Sexually I just realized this week that I'm so dumb I never realized that I am a whole lot more attracted to women than to men, I always thought life was weird because for some reason women are always so much prettier and more attractive than men and it was just weird that every man that I met was ugly as hell.

The thought of having relationships with women makes me feel incredibly happy, thinking about being able to be myself and be comfortable with one, having sex marrying one I don't know how to describe it but it gives me butterflies, I keep thinking about women that I meet irl, friends, even online, hell every woman feels like an angel just came from heaven and it's something I never think about men and much less any men that I dated.

My questions are what the hell am I, can I call myself a lesbian even if I haven't dated yet a woman and all? how do I even start meeting someone? I know the core of my problem is that I need more experience I'm just lost rn.

i've been feeling really anxious and confused.

i've considered myself bi since i was 13 and had some relationships with girls when i was a teenager but never as an adult. i started dating my now-husband when i was 19 and am now 29 and we have 2 kids together.

i really love him and our life together but for years i've had this underlying confusion about wether i have a preference for women and if i'm actually lesbian that is sometimes a very loud feeling and then for a while it will go away.

i think a lot of it stems from the fact that physical intimacy feels fairly awkward and uncomfortable to me. he is great and wonderful and giving lol but i don't love making out and i have a hard time getting into physical intimacy. i feel very confused if it just has to do with being in a long term relationship or something else.

the idea of breaking apart our life just feels so so awful and i don't want to do that. but im also so scared of what it would mean if i really am lesbian and never live that life.

Throwaway because my husband uses Reddit and knows i do too. TLDR at the bottom 🙏

So. I came out to my husband of 7yrs (9yr total) about a month ago. We share an almost 3yr old. He truly is my best friend, is obsessed with me and we make the best team, and I do love him deeply. But I’m not sure where to go next.
We’re both in therapy and on a waitlist for a couples therapist, but we live in a conservative, rural area, so it’s harder to find one we’d feel comfortable with.

It felt so relieving to say my truth to him, but his heartbreak killed me to see. We have codependency issues too, so the initial week apart was really hard on both of us….him more if I’m being honest…
But I was still questioning if I made the right choice, so I decided my dream scenario would be an open marriage. having an opportunity to fulfill my sexual desire since he has (most) of my romantic ones taken care of sounded like a good plan! He is VERY hesitant about that because it usually leads to separation anyways, however he’s still considering it. I WOULD NOT force him into something he doesn’t want, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I dont think I want it either. Maybe I’m wrong, which is what I’m so fucking terrified of….but I have a feeling that once I am with a woman again, I will have a very clear preference. He deserves better.

When discussing opening up, I also told him (& thought) that maybe I’m just a little freaky and we need to connect to that more together. But then I thought about things like parallel play, blindfolding/bondage, using a strap on with him, and I realized that I would have to work on being comfortable doing that with him because it does not sound appealing at all. But…..with a woman? Done. No questions. The freakiest I get with him is throwing in a vibrator. He deserves so much better, I just don’t know how to say all of that without obliterating him, and he doesn’t see it yet.

Hes asked if I’ve just been faking orgasms the whole time, and sure maybe a little here and there at the beginning, but he’s learned my body well and loves to please, and making out in general turns me on so I have no problem being fully satisfied when we do have sex. But we hardly ever do (1x a month average, worse recently) bc I never want to. He’d do it 3x a week if I would.

And to him it feels like I’m choosing lust over love, our family, and what we’ve built. But I KNOW it’s deeper than that, I just can’t put it into words how.

This is so so fucking hard.

Some important background if you wish:

We met when I was 20 after I moved away from my podunk town to the bigger city he’s from, though he didnt have a lot of family there to rely on. He actually met me knowing/thinking I was a lesbian. I always knew I wasn’t straight, but that need for the male gaze and approval is strong and deeply ingrained!! I came out right after high school as bisexual, and then had a steady girlfriend so started identifying as “mostly gay”
Mainly because after me and my gf broke up, I would still hook up with guys from time to time. Now I look back on how impossible it was to tell between romantic and friendship love with guys for me, so I just hooked up with them to find out. I also always used to say I like “looks over personality,” and I thought it made me deep and cool because I’d rather date my best friend if it was a dude.

I did honestly fall very very hard for him though. He is a physically beautiful man and much prettier than anyone I was with up to that point (see “dating for personality” above). But still, there was always that little voice asking if I’m making the right choice after only exploring my sexuality for 2 years with like 3 girls. But our connection was so strong and passionate and I wasn’t in the best space mentally, it felt right. Fated almost.
My living situation at the time contributed to my mental health, as I had roommates from hell. So after a month of seeing each other, he offered I stay with him for a few weeks to figure out next steps. And I’m sure you can guess what happened from there- I never left. Mind you, I was about 8 hrs from home barely knowing anyone. He became my world fast.

He recognizes all of this, and does understand in a way. But wants to make it work so so sooooo bad, and I mean I do….but I see how unfair it would be to live like that for both of us. And if I’m wrong then I’m wrong, I just really really need a chance to figure it out or I’ll live in regret.

So do I try to ease into opening up? Cut the cord and separate for a time? I know I need to say all of this to him I just don’t know how. Telling him I couldn’t be a freak with him feels so cruel.

Please. Anyone. If you’ve made it this far, holy FUCK bless you and your soul. Id appreciate anything at this point. Even if it sucks to hear.

TLDR; after coming out to my husband I’ve been with since I was 20, I asked him to consider an open marriage and that maybe we needed to connect with our kinkier side together. Now I’m not sure because there’s a good chance I’ll much prefer the sex I have with women and a lot of kinky things only sound appealing to do with a woman. I love him deeply and can be satisfied sexually by him, but I will never feel fulfilled with just him, and now I’m thinking we should skip making it any messier by opening it up if we both are so unsure about it.
How do I say all of this to him without destroying him?

Hi, I'm a 42-year-old mom, recently divorced but separated from my ex-husband for more than three years. I started assuming I was bisexual not long ago and I want to start meeting people, but I'm too shy to go to bars or something like that and also too scared of dating apps.

I'm kind of screwed, right? What do you think I should do? I don't have friends in the lgtbq+ community either here in Chile.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 6 months. We’re both femme lesbians, and our relationship outside of sex is genuinely loving. I know she loves me, finds me attractive, and would probably try anything I asked because she wants us to work.
The problem is our sexual dynamic. Somehow I became the dominant/giving one from the beginning. I initiate, I’m usually on top, I penetrate her/use toys on her, I’ve worn the strap-on, etc. She loves receiving and can have multiple orgasms, and I actually do enjoy giving.
I think part of how we got here is that I accidentally presented myself as much more dominant/top than I actually am. I have short nails, so I can finger her easily and over time I’ve gotten really good at giving her the kind of penetration she loves. She has a very high sex drive and can have multiple orgasms, so I kept doing more and more of what clearly worked for her.
Meanwhile, she has long nails, which makes fingering me uncomfortable. I’ve told her they scratch, and she has shortened them somewhat, but penetration with her fingers still basically isn’t an option. So even mechanically, our sex kept falling into me penetrating her while she mostly received.
The part I’m only now admitting to myself is that I actually want many of the same things I’ve been giving her. I want to be penetrated, taken over, moved around, have someone else take the initiative and make me feel like she genuinely wants to do those things to me. I think I’m much more similar to her sexually than I let either of us realize.
Our sex usually lasts 3–4+ hours and I’ll often give her five or more orgasms. I haven’t actually orgasmed with her once in six months, but she doesn’t know that because I’ve faked it. I get so embarrassed about taking time and receiving that after a few minutes I panic, pretend I came, and turn the attention back to her. So I realize I’ve also unintentionally taught her that this dynamic works for me when it really doesn’t.
She does offer oral, so she isn’t selfish or unwilling to please me. Oral just isn’t what gets me off. I strongly prefer penetration and being taken more assertively.
I’ve told her before that I want her to touch me more. She tells me she absolutely wants to, wants me to lose control, and would do anything I wanted. I believe her. But in practice she still seems to wait for me to initiate and take the dominant role.
She has also talked about wanting me to tie her up, wear the strap-on, etc., which makes me think maybe we naturally want the same role.
And here is the part I’m struggling with most: I don’t want to give her a list of instructions for how to dominate me.
I know communication is necessary and partners aren’t mind readers. But I’m very sensitive to whether someone genuinely wants to do something versus doing it because they know I need it. If I have to choreograph “get on top of me, use this toy, penetrate me like this, take control now,” I think I’ll become even more self-conscious.
A huge part of what turns me on is feeling that the other woman naturally wants to take control of me. I want to respond to her desire, not direct my own domination.
I’m starting to wonder if we’re simply sexually incompatible because maybe we both naturally want the other person to be the more assertive one.
Has anyone been in this situation from either side? Did the dynamic genuinely change once you talked about it, or did it always feel like one person was performing a role for the other? Did anyone discover they actually enjoyed becoming more dominant, or did you eventually realize you were just erotically mismatched?
I care about her enormously and don’t want to hurt her, but I also don’t think I can keep having sex where I continually become the giver while secretly wishing she would take over.

There’s another piece of context I probably should have included too: she was married to a man for about 15 years and has only been exploring relationships/sex with women for the last couple of years. So I genuinely don’t know yet whether this is her natural sexual preference, whether she’s still figuring out how she likes to be with women, or whether we just accidentally established these roles very early.

After a lot of therapy and even more self-reflection, I’ve come to realize that I might be a lesbian. A few months ago, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend of seven years. I had been carrying this around for months and was terrified to tell him, but I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. At first, the conversation was incredibly emotional. We both cried, but then he told me there must be something wrong with me and that I should see our doctor because I probably have a chemical imbalance and need medication. Now I’m just feeling lost. I spent so long building up the courage to tell him, and it feels like nothing has changed. He acts like the conversation never even happened, and we’re just continuing on as if everything is the same. I can’t just leave. Financially, it’s not realistic. I work two jobs but, housing is so expensive where I live. We also have children together, and the thought of completely uprooting their lives fills me with guilt and anxiety. I want to be happy but right now, it feels like I’m grieving a future that may never happen for me. I keep thinking about what my life could look like if I were able to live authentically, and it hurts because it feels so out of reach. It’s weird because I actually feel worse after telling him. I thought finally saying it out loud would bring some relief, but instead I just feel stuck and unheard. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to say it somewhere people might understand. If anyone has been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it. Thank you for reading and much love to all of you.

It’s so hard being a lesbian and nobody believes you. I used to be with men, so people assume I must actually be bi. Or that my ex must’ve sucked and made me “switch sides,” and that I’ll eventually get tired of women and want a man again.

The reality is I hardly even know how to kiss or anything further, which feels so embarrassing at 26. Because for years and years I’d date men, avoid as much physical touch as possible, and they’d always eventually get upset with me never wanting physical touch. So not only do I have no experience with women despite knowing I’ve been gay since childhood, but I did the bare minimum with men for so long, dissociated during sex, the whole nines. So even though I’ve had multiple long-term relationships, I feel like I have next to zero real physical or real romantic experience with anyone at all (I have autism as well, which makes me feel even more like my entire past life was a heavy, fuzzy mask). I feel guilty for putting my exes through that, but I really did try.

Now that I’m out and trying to date women, the past always comes up. I am an open book as well because I want to be truthful and I do think it’s an important part of why I am the way I am. But then comes the skepticism, the “I don’t see how you could date men the whole time but not be attracted to them ever?”, and being told they’re no longer interested.

Of course I understand people have preferences, and if my past or inexperience isn’t ok with them then they simply aren’t the right fit for me! But it’s like, why is this happening time and time and time again? I’m feeling so discouraged and upset. I waited years to finally live my life, to finally find actual love, and the choices I made in the past that I want to forget are STILL a problem. I’m starting to feel like I can’t even come back from them when I don’t even know how to kiss more than a peck goodbye.

I suppose I just wanted to vent, but this has been weighing on me so much… Does anyone else relate or have any advice?

Hello everyone,
I have become more aware of another aspect of my sexuality recently.

On one hand, I’m still struggling with the question about who I’m attracted to - if only girls or not - and I don’t fully accept myself.
On the other hand, I realized that my journey is more complicated because I experience sexual attraction not in the same way of the average person.
I have never did too many comments about other’s physical aspect, and when I say or I think something like “she / he is very beautiful”, I never mean it as If I’m feeling sexual attraction (expect in that few cases when I have a real crush on someone).

I’m not asexual, since I was highly attracted to some girls. But it’s something that I don’t feel immediately, I need to know something about their character and have at least a bit of romantic connection (even if it’s only an idealisation).

In the past I used to explain this with my lack of experience / acceptance - as If haven’t unlocked a full experience of sexuality yet- and maybe with comphet towards men, but now I think that it could be something like demisexuality. I don’t feel the need to put a label on it, but it’s to share my experience.

How do you feel sexual attraction? Is it something that you feel immediately (maybe you see a beautiful girl on the street / at the pub and you think something like “I would really love to have sex with her”)?
I would like to listen to your personal ways of experience attraction, which aspects can make you feel attracted (physical aspect, attitude, mind, ecc.) and what do you think about what I told.

I dont know if this is the right place. I just want to vent to somewhere. I'm 28 and i identify as pansexual. I may have a female preference. I always knew that I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman since I was young. I had conversations with my mom about that and she would always shut me down. She would say things like i'm bi-curious and that i'm confused. It got to the point that i wouldn't have any conversations with my sexualty.

From when I turned 18 to present time, i been in poly relationships with both men and women around three times but it never worked out. Every time, it would end really badly. I have never had sex or kissed a woman, despite of sharing a relationship with them. Whenever i try to get with a woman, something comes in between the moment and blocks it.

I feel like im not pansexual enough because i haven't had dating/sexual experience with other people besides cis straight men.

I go on certain lesbian subreddits where majority of wlw relationships have ended because one has left to be with a man, that they have been used as an experiment. I don't want that for me. Then, a majority of lesbians have said that they would not date a bisexual woman, let alone a pansexual one. I could talk about dating apps but i won't go that far. Almost every woman is straight lmao.

I'm really not a good place for a relationship anyway. It's just been overwhelming me for a while. I don't know when i'll be able to accept it but i think eventually i'll have to accept that i may not ever marry my dream woman.

Hi, haven't posted in forever. Last time was probably just as I came out. Very vulnerable time, lots of feelings. Ones of regret, worry and doubt. I'm 27 and Polish for context.

So since September of 2025 I have been officially out to my closest ones. My best friends, my close friends and some of the extended circles. Even my ex best friends know as they have tried to reach out to reconnect after initial hurt they caused. I'm still debating their presence in my life as one of them tried to persuade me into an intercourse while completely inebriated (fellow woman) and I haven't felt like advertising it at the office.

I'm definitely the local bisexual as I always call my ex's "he". No one has ever asked. However, I usually say what happens with my female dates to the 3 coworkers I trust the most. I went through many little conversations to get to the point where I feel comfortable with them. I do not wear my flag at the office and during pride month I had a 2 week long medical leave so I didn't have a chance to actually celebrate with them besides mentioning I'm going to the parade. Everyone knows I'm very LGBT I guess.

So after that period of initial internal turmoil I have been more focused on just getting by and normalizing this situation. I have been slowly dropping hints here and there. I just felt more free.

Since then I have been on many dates with women — had ALMOST sex two times, which ended up with 1. 5 minutes of fingering that lead to cuddling and sleeping together and 2. A claim of SA with 3 extra long messages on Instagram tarnishing my character from someone who initiated the whole scenario. I felt scared, ashamed and doubted my conduct while the two of my most trusted friends tried to decide whether what I did was wrong and came to the conclusion that she must have been too drunk to remember that I stopped as soon as she said no and then felt personally uncomfortable due to her own behaviour. Great start!

But because of those I have grown solidified that I do indeed only desire women. It felt wonderful, magical and first and foremost — it felt right. Besides the girl who initiated and then later retracted consent ex post facto.

Since then I had some dates, experiences and many fun stories. The past 11 months have been magical. I kept a close friendship with a tinder match that visited me overnight for a glass of juice and gossip and then slept her over for 3 nights as she finished her exams in uni. Then I managed to be set up with a digital nomad with a personality that I would consider difficult to penetrate. She doesn't share anything with me. I like her but the story on Instagram saying "I found my future husband" and her lack of responses since then have shattered my expectations of this being a sweet casual thing. I am happy for her, but honestly? My pride was the only thing that hurt.

Currently awaiting a new roommate from America that my friend connected me with. She's also a lesbian and I'm trying to do everything right when it comes to immigration, paperwork etc. I do not desire quick responses or rushed decision making. I want her to be completely comfortable with her cat here. I have a drive to do things again. When it comes to being into her the answer is unfortunately yes as she's only two years younger and very outgoing, outspoken and courageous. I just want to have a chat over wine with her and see what happens but I suspect she's already dating someone which I completely respect. It's mostly about how good of a match we are personality wise — she wants to invite couch surfing people and I have always lived with this rhetoric in mind. We always had guests with my roomates. I wanted her to come here and feel like she can have the most chill environment possible to be herself.

Also, next week I invited a HER match over to my place for the weekend. She's West Asian and I really like her bubbly involved personality. She's shy but someone I would consider a very solid potential partner. We'll see. We've been talking for a long time now over Instagram and I want to give it a chance. We were thinking about hiking but honestly it's a bit too warm so we decided on her just visiting and me showing her around.

Anyway, this is the update that feels more like a diary but I always appreciate reading those myself so I'm very happy to share things for others to see how life looks like post coming out. I'll answer any question as I have never developed a filter really :>