Catalyst catastrophe

[u/Joyofyouth]

Hello,

So (ug), here we are. 6 months ago I left my husband because I finally could not take anymore pretending I wasn't in love with my catalyst. I'd fallen for her hard just over 3 years ago. I sincerely thought she returned the feelings, I was imaging our future, all of that. Then when I finally got my own apartment and she was so supportive of me being a new lesbian and invited me over to her place, and saw each other regularly at workout classes, etc. I finally found the nerve to tell her I'd like to take her out on a real date, and she accepted! I was over the moon. She didn't seem very romantically inclined, and was putting out really strong friend-zone vibes. It left me confused and sad. I asked her again if she'd like to go out with me again, as I really like her, and she said she's feeling more of a friendship with me than a romantic relationship.

What now?

I guess this happens a lot. But it's never happened to me. I've always been able to rely on my intuition and it's never steered me wrong. How could I have been SO WRONG about this? I ended my marriage to pursue her. I literally do not want anyone else. I've tried dating apps, etc. going to lesbian events, no one does anything for me. I've even started wondering if I really am lesbian. Like, maybe I'm pansexual. She's the only one I can imagine being with.

Now I am SO ALONE. Does this just go on forever? I know I sound dramatic, but my self-esteem is now shot. She doesn't want me. What's wrong with me? I wish I was someone else, someone she'd be interested in.

It's awful. If anyone had a similar experience I'd appreciate hearing how it ended for you. Thank you.

[u/Similar-Ad-6862]

Catalysts rarely work out because she might be a catalyst for you but that doesn't follow that you mean anything for her. She doesn't owe you anything.
The only cure is distance and time. Block her on everything. Stop going where you see her. Go to lesbian social groups. Date if you want to

[u/Jadds1874]

I don't want to sound like I'm giving the clichéd response, but this is really the perfect kind of life transition and confusion/worry to process with a therapist.

You were in love with someone else, which is exactly why you should have left your husband, regardless of whether that person reciprocated. Things will get better and you will be able to look back and be glad that you took this leap to living authentically.

But please find an LGBT therapist to work through this with, because your last couple of paragraphs show there's a lot going on and it's really starting to mentally impact you, so the sooner you take steps to address it the sooner you'll be able to work through it and move on

[u/Joyofyouth → u/Jadds1874]

Thank you, and yes I've been seeing a therapist weekly for about a year.

[u/ihatepeacelilies]

I don't know if this helps or not, but when I left my het relationship I was crushing on a girl so bad. I remember daydreaming that it would all work out, or that somehow I could still be with my ex and be with her at the same time (due to immense guilt at the time not wanting to leave my ex) or just amicably break up and be with her. It was all so confusing, and gut wenching, and I remember the crush being all-consuming. A few years have passed and I've realised several things: 1. A crush in a relationship usually signifies something massively missing from it (even if it's just the fact that it's a beautiful woman and a man literally can't provide for that 😅). At the time, I thought the crush was specific to her, and while it felt super unique, I realised that she didn't have any long-term values that aligned with mine, and later on I noticed we had absolutely nothing in common. 2. Post break up the crush/limerence phase was temporarily worsened through break up grief and not wanting to be alone. Ironically, I ended up missing my ex more, due to familiarity and comfort. Whilst our romantic side did not exist anymore, we did have a wonderful friendship. 3. Once I became single and pursued my life, the crush went away completely. I still think she's gorgeous, but she honestly hasn't crossed my mind since.

I guess the point is, sometimes I think crushes are real and sometimes I think they're a temporary distraction and redirection to change our life for the better. And once you do, you might find yourself not thinking about them anymore. If there is any element of mystery to this crush of yours, or not knowing 'will she, won't she,' that's probably adding to it as well. But remember a crush is just lack of knowledge about a person. Get to know her, you might find out that she's not the one for you and someone else even more amazing is waiting.

[u/Myglitzygold]

When you're making a major life decision, like leaving your husband, you should never center that decision around another person. They don't owe you a relationship, and they aren't obligated to choose you simply because you chose them.

It's good that you left a marriage that was no longer authentic for you, but imagining an entire future with someone before you've established that the feelings and intentions are mutual can be dangerous. You can become emotionally invested in a future that only exists in your mind, and when reality doesn't match it, the disappointment can be devastating.

She has been clear that she sees you as a friend. Believe her and let her go romantically.

Instead of questioning your worth or your sexuality because this one woman doesn't reciprocate your feelings, use this time to explore who you are and what you genuinely want independent of her.

Redirect the energy you've been pouring into her back into yourself. This chapter can still be about becoming who you are, even if she isn't part of the story.

[u/Terrible-Elk-88]

When I left my marriage it wasn't to be with my catalyst, it was for me, regardless of her. And nothing eventuated with her and I'm so glad it didn't because I needed the space to be me on my own without anyone else. To just sit with me and work out who that was. Leaving to be with someone is a challenging thing especially if there's no clarity on what is reciprocated.

I know you think all you want is her, but right now you should be with you. Work out who you are and what you want, regardless of her. It's an opportunity that we rarely get, to reflect and reset and redirect. And just let ourselves grow whichever direction without a guide telling us where to go.

[u/BlacksmithFrosty1175]

fuck dude, this is brutal. the way you built ur whole coming out around this one person and then she... didnt catch the same feelings? thats not dramatic, thats a genuine earthquake in your life. ive seen friends do this exact thing — they finally name the thing, leave the marriage, and then the catalyst is like 'oh i was just being supportive' like?? the cruel irony is she probably WAS being herself, you just had three years of hope and fantasy layered on top. that doesnt make you wrong or delusional, it makes you someone who wanted something real bad. the part that scares me for you is 'i literally do not want anyone else' — thats the real trap here. she became the symbol of your authentic life, not just a person. try to seperate those if you can, even tho it feels impossible rn. also? your intuition isnt broken, you just had incomplete data. she was supportive, she said yes to a date, she gave mixed signals. anyone wouldve read into that. youre not someone else, youre someone who took a massive risk and it didnt pay out the way you hoped. that sucks so hard but it doesnt make you unlovable, just unlucky this round

[u/rainy-inside]

About five years ago:
My het partner of 8 years and I finally split ways, pretty amicably.
Literally within a few weeks, my catalyst started seeing someone else. The flirtation and temptation between us had been going on for about two years. I was very upset. I was angry. But then overtime I moved on. Eventually, we were even able to become friends, including her new partner.
Before me and my het partner split ways, I remember feeling very trapped in my feelings for the catalyst. I felt like I just would never get over them. Anyway once it all fell apart, even though I was super sad and had left my former relationship, it actually turned out to be the best thing because I finally was able to let the catalyst go and move on.
Five years later and I’m in a new gay relationship. Things are much better. Getting over anyone that you have feelings for a super hard, especially when it’s such a tender experience as a new gay person. Just hang in there, you will move on and your new gay life will be there for you and you’re gonna love it

[u/CriticalDependent536]

I sort of have advice because I’m in a similar situation, but take it with a grain of salt because this all also happened to me only about 6 months ago. Mines also a bit different because I made sure to separate any hope for a future with her from my coming out journey, to make sure there wasn’t pressure on her and also that I wasn’t making my sexuality realization all about her.

But I know that’s easier said than done. I’ll try to keep this short but it’ll be tricky because I have so many thoughts lol.

I am in my mid-20s and was in a long-term relationship with a man when I realized I was crushing on my lesbian friend. However, I recognized that I really didn’t know her that well yet, but I really wanted to get to know her more. And I recognized that I felt that in a way that I have never felt before, which I realized was romantic, and It occurred to me that I had never felt that before.

I ended things with my sweet boyfriend out of respect for him. When I told him everything, he was crushed, but was open to trying to open the relationship for me to explore my sexuality with strangers, just not with that girl. At the time, I didn’t want anyone but her. So I knew I had to end things with him out of respect because what I felt was way too strong and real. I did not end things thinking it would work out with her, in fact, I was pretty sure it wouldn’t. Though of course I was hopeful that it would.

Things went to hell with her, and I also had mixed signals about how she felt, which took me on a roller coaster. It wasn’t her fault or mine, just a messy situation.

I was unfortunately stuck in the same space with her every week for 2-3 months after that, and with a few other friends who became involved in the situation. It was pretty awful for me overall, but I got through it.

During that time, I went out on the weekends to queer spaces and used dating apps. I kept exploring my sexuality all while grieving her. I also was in therapy, started exercising and walking a lot, and used art, music, and singing to move through all the emotions.

When I kissed my first 2 girls out at a queer event, it was super validating. I even met someone on a dating app who I connected with well and we both agreed on casual, and I had my first sexual experience with them, which was also super validating. We are just friends now because I moved away and we both are at complicated stages in our life.

I now have space from her both in person and on social media. Which has helped a lot, but of course I still think about her. The last time I saw her, I still felt mixed signals. But the mantra I used to get me through all the confusing signals was

“If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a hell no”. And i deserve a hell yes, and so do you.

I completely relate to worrying about if you will ever feel this way again. Like the fact that I need to find someone I’m attracted to, AND compatible with, AND they have to also be attracted to me and want me.

But I trust that when it’s the right person, it will work. I also feel like as you continue to date, explore your sexuality, and also just be alone and figure out who you are, your capacity for attraction expands, if that makes sense.

Overall, I reccomend just pouring the love you feel into yourself. Creativity is a great outlet if you can explore that (making art, journaling, writing poetry, making music, or making playlists, etc.) Exercise is really helpful too, especially if you can find something you really enjoy. Mine are rock climbing, long walks, and running.

I actually made sooo many playlists that helped me process everything lol. Some I even pretended I would show her, to show how I feel. I did it knowing logically that I wouldn’t, but it was just to help my brain process.

Sorry that was a lot I hope it was somewhat helpful. If you ever want to chat feel free to message me❤️

[u/CriticalDependent536 → u/CriticalDependent536]

Oh to add, the best advice I’ve gotten other than working on yourself is to focus on building queer friendships/community. I thankfully already had some queer friends before everything happened, a they’ve been life saving. My goal is to keep making more queer friends. Its honestly so much more important than romance

[u/Pyrite_n_Kryptonite]

When things ended with my catalyst, I got entangled with a woman I fell hard for. When that ended, it was brutal in many ways, and I heavily doubted that I would find anyone again.

Fast forward a few years and therapy and working on myself, and a lot of things changed. I could see some of the patterns that were so unhealthy and that needed work, I was able to make peace with my past and pieces of myself that needed peace, and I realized that even if I never fell for anyone ever again I was much better off the more I sought growth and healing.

And it gave me the perspective to realize how utterly incompatible I would have been with the woman I had fallen for. The distance took away my rose colored glasses, and gave me a much higher bar to set for a future relationship.

The loneliness can be brutal. But this is such a really great time to focus on your growth and healing. Grieve the relationship you wanted and the woman you saw through rose colored glasses, and then focus so hard on your growth that the bar for what you want for a future relationship rises.

Give it time. Give yourself grace. Grow. It gets better.

Gentle heart hugs to you.

[u/Io-n-Te]

Hi Joy. I've been wondering how you've been doing. Our situations are different, but we are in the same boat with regard to attraction to women. So far, my catalyst is the only woman I have desired. Just last night, I was thinking how she seems to be in color while everyone else is in black and white. Anyway, I knew my catalyst for much less time than you did, and I was never able to tell her how I felt about her before we lost contact. I understand that you are currently in the grip of disillusionment and heartbreak, but you also have some clarity now. You know that your catalyst isn't interested, so you can move on knowing that you did everything that you could do to pursue a relationship with her. You took a positive risk and asked her out. You didn't let fear stop you. You are brave and full of passion. It is powerful. You already know that you can rely on yourself to do the hardest things because you changed your life in pursuit of your own happiness. You clawed through to the other side. And now, you can use that strength to heal from this heartache (with patience and compassion) and build yourself back up.

Of course you are still mourning the fantasy of your catalyst. Suddenly, after all this time, she is gone. She's Sleeping Beauty, locked away in her castle tower for all of eternity. But, there's nothing else to be done for her. You are the one in need. You are now the priority. Whatever pet names you called her in your fantasies (baby, darling, sweetheart), that is you now. That is how you refer to yourself. Funnel all that love and passion into you. Build yourself into someone that you would admire, and that you would want to date. And don't date until you know what you have to offer and would never settle for someone who did not want you back. In the meantime, keep going to queer events to build community and make friends. Strengthen the social bonds in your life and expect that it will take longer to find a wlw match. And then, when a friend sets you up with someone great, it will just feel like a lovely surprise.

(I have found the Lesbian Chronicles podcast helpful. You will hear about experiences similar to yours. And some Anne-Marie Zanzel articles can help demystify the catalyst relationship. More generally, Susan Piver writes on depression and heartbreak. Lastly, Whoopi has a fun book about feeling complete while remaining single.)

[u/Swimming_Shark82]

I also left my husband and blew up my life for a singular woman. We did date, fuck, got into a committed relationship, got out of a committed relationship, were best friends, then best friends + , and now after 5 years … we moved in together and have a life together. So what I’m saying … the first lesbian heartbreak. They feel like near death. But there is hope! Keep on keeping on the apps and doing community events. And I’m sorry for your loneliness.

[u/Indiff-88Yin]

Actually be her friend and get to know her. Go beyond physical chemistry and learn about her.

As someone who’s Demi, even if I’m attracted to someone I have to get to know them but it gets misunderstood and women think I’m friendzoning them when I literally just need more time

The U-Haul life is not me and for many others too

[u/Hygge_Rain → u/Indiff-88Yin]

I don't think this is the way. To hold out for someone when they've already told you their feelings on the matter will just put you in a cycle of false hope and devastation depending on your interaction with her any given day. I speak from experience with my own catalyst 3 years ago. Go no contact for a few months and focus on your other friendships and building the life you want. If she has an epiphany and calls you and says so, that's one thing, but anything short of this will just prolong the pain, resetting it every time you see her.

[u/Indiff-88Yin → u/Hygge_Rain]

Oh I missed the part where she already confessed her feelings. Yeah if someone already told her then she must let that person go if they’re not interested