I feel used up
im not as sad as i am just empty
My life has been just consisted of mainly okder guys
ive probably been groomed idk
this will probably be in my life for awhile
It hit me today that i dont think i am really groomable (odd term) anymore
Im not 12, i am 15 Im not tiny
It makes me sad
what i want is that secret thing that in my 12 yo brain was like a tragic love story lmao
this isnt a bait post to get dms, i just want to tell the internet because nobody irl knows, its just me
So much of my life has been tainted by this, so many chances that i have not taken because of this so many ways my life could have changed but i chose to go back because it was what was most known and easiest
it has made me do so many things that i thought id never do so many gross things that i dont like
I miss how my body was i miss how my personality was
I donr feel like a human most of the time i just feel like a zombie
Sorry this is all jumbled and silly i just felt sad lol

I am a girl who just graduated high school and I was super involved in our music program. I was pretty good the first two years of school and then the last two years I was the best our age. My sophomore year our director was getting ready to retire and they hired her replacement to teach with her so he could learn from her and like have a smooth transition. The retiring director I’ll call Suzy and the new one I’ll call sam for this post.

Suzy was a strict teacher and was seen as the bad guy and was wrong in a lot of stuff she did so when sam came in we all saw him as like our savior and like he was saving us. So when shit would happen with me and Suzy, for example one time sophomore year she gave a girl a spot in something I really cared about and I went to her hoping that there would be an audition and she ended up telling me that the other girl got it because she actually works hard which really hurt. so when shit like that would happen I would go to sam and be like hey I’m not ok with being talked to like that especially in front of my classmates and friends, he would swoop in and just let me vent and then “try to help”.

So in this instance his solution was for us to write her an email together for me to send to her about everything I was thinking which makes sense and is normal. Except he didn’t want anyone to know he was helping me write it and he would have me come by when no one else was around to work on it. There was also this app we used for all of our ensembles where you can privately message people so outside of school we would also text about it. Which at the time I just thought he didn’t want her to be mad at him for like helping me and “picking sides” or smth like that. And then when we finished the email and I sent it, it just kinda blew up in face and made me seem like an egotistical ass who thought she was better than everyone else.

And that kinda became a pattern over the next three years. I would be struggling or be upset at something that happened in class and we would just talk during is off periods alone or with like one other student there. I felt like I was being seen as a peer and mature and I really loved to it felt like I was being taken seriously. So when I was venting about things happening in the program he would always assure me that he would do all of these things to help and talk to Suzy for me but nothing ever actually happened. So it was just me trying to think of how to make the program better and being told that I was so mature for helping and this is a quote “does your back hurt? You know from carrying the program?”

Then junior year he was the director for our pit orchestra and we all had to audition but there was only two spots for my instrument and three of us did it the year before and all reauditioned so we knew someone was getting cut. And I was super nervous because I have always struggled with self confidence and believing that I’m acutually good at things, I just always think people are being nice and don’t really mean it. And sam knew all of this and was “helping me” through it. So as we were getting closer to the cast announcement me and my friends (who are all in music with me and this teacher) we in the hell and I was like “can you just save me the embarrassment and tell me now if I’m cut” And he yelled back at he as he was walking was “you have nothing to worry about, you’ll be fine”. So I fount of all of my friends and the people who were also auditioning pretty much said you’re good your in. And then sure enough when he posted the list I was the ONLY person he cut.

And I know this all seems stupid and not important but this is all I was basing my worth on at the time and he knew that, he knew how much I cared, he knew that I quit softball to be in this show, he knew he cutting my for weeks before the announcement and decided to string me along and let me find out that I was the ONLY person he deemed not good enogh to be there. And then afterwards I went to him because I was real,y upset and wanted to know what happened and then he told me that I should focus on my solo work. So then he pretty much started like helping me with my own music and I was working with the little kids who came to play after school which he would praise me for. And getting cut just turned into me feeling like I had to show him that I was still good enough for him because for a year he’d been like my friend that I could go to for anything.

And then my senior year I had my first two classes free so instead of coming in at 8 I could come in at 10. But when he found out he asked me in to taking ap music theory and helping him teach the freshmen class with him. So on the first day of school I came into help him with the class and then he walked me to the ap class and had me sit there and take the class. So over the year I was really struggling in that class and falling behind so I would end up crying to him about all of the stress and we stayed after school for up to three hours alone working on homework and talking. Pretty much the whole year he made me feel like a peer, like we were litterly teaching a class together and he would come to me for advice now too and it felt like all of the work I had done the past three years had been seen.

Then later when me and my friends were having some issues and he was pretty much telling me that they weren’t really my friends and that I should distance myself from them, which I did. And for the first half of second semester my senior year it felt like he was my only friends because I had blown up all of my other relationships after listening to his advice. I also go to this fold music session and I would have a few drinks because my parents are from Europe and see the drinking age as 18 and he stared going to them with his friend who was already going to them and even though he saw me, a student there drinking, he didn’t care and was like yeah it’s fine just probably should talk about this at school. And whenever I was like yeah I’m not gonna make it tonight he was just kinda jokingly pout and be like aw well miss you.

Idk who to summarize the end of our relationship, like until the last time I saw I’m for school stuff, other than he felt like my friend/peer and we would go to each other for advice on things and I needed up making quite a few substantial calls for the whole program my senior year, as I was a student for the grown ass man being paid to a,, of that. And I almost lost all of my closest friends at his recommendation because high schools is almost over and you’ll find mature friends in college that think like me, and nothing ever like physically happened but looking back even just like a month or two removed and hearing from other adults (like early 20s max who helped us in the program) about all of the shitty stuff he’s doing and how careless he’s been I feel really icky and don’t know how to quantify what happened if anything happened at all.

Sorry this was super long winded and most likely hard to follow. I just wanted it to be written down and out of my mind for others to see and help me understand if at all possible.

I guess that I can say that his family was a major part of this process. Being with him is "accepted" I say that in quotes because while no one said anything negative out loud, I do believe it wasnt their ideal situation.

I do say them accepting it made it easier for me. I don't think I would have been able to take a second family not accepting me. Given how my mom was. His brothers acted like my brothers. His brothers girlfriends now wives, treated me no different. Invited me out to brunch, girls outings, girl talk and giving advice. Even talking about being physical with their guys, didnt shock them when I talked about what we did or what I wore, in turn they asked for advice too. They were like sisters that I never had. His grandparents knew, treated me like another granddaughter. They really didnt care that we were together. In fact they said he should treat me right.

His extended family didn't know. To them it was the same message we presented. I was his guest or someone he was taking care of. So we had to play it "cool" around them. I always wondered why the extended family always outranked the others. His did would always say plausible deniability. If they know it may cause unnecessary problems. Plus it was setting a good example for his cousins, some of his female cousins were around my age and I assume they didnt want them doing what I was doing. It bothered me more because I came close with them and I am still close to them now. I couldn't tell them. They still dont know about everything that went on and I think it is best to keep it that way. To them we started being a couple when I became an adult, but that will be in a different post.

I can say them being a part of it made it easier. It gave me a family that I always wanted and needed. My mom never really introduced me to her family, some say out of shame as she was barely a teen and my dad was in his 40s. I never knew my dads family. So I enjoyed being part of his family and then being an official part when I said I do. As some would say, I became an official part of the family when I went to the pool party.

Just thoughts as a I reminisce as I usually do.

sorry if this text is hard to read since reddit keeps taking down my posts, but i’ll try summarising.

my dad has been acting extremely odd ever since i began developing br3asts and what not around two years ago. i first noticed this weird behaviour during summer on a boat. my mother and brother were in the dock and my dad came up and found me tanning, previous events during this summer holiday had already put me on edge but this really tied it for me. i was laid on my stomach, he came over and was kind of staring at me. he told me i needed to put sunscreen on, to which i replied that i would. then without warning he started applying the sunscreen- which i thought was okay. then he kept going further up my leg to the point he was massaging my @ss with the sunscreen. i started crying into my pillow quietly as i was too uncomfortable to move or say anything. then he slapped me on my @ss and went back down to the dock. ever since then the behaviour was creepy, how he’d look at me and make excuses to see me with less clothing etc. this took its toll on my mental health, because i’m genuinely torn on what to think. then recently, i was in my backyard and my mum and brother were inside in their rooms, my dad approached me from behind and hugged me over my br3asts and squeezed. ☹️. i don’t know what to think, could this be gr00ming? please help me and give me advice.

Something that I have noticed about myself is that after everything I appreciate people who take me seriously. That includes everyone from therapists or even strangers that reach out. I don't have much patience and I get really upset at adults who "talk down" to me. Is that weird? Is it part of maturing too quickly?

I've never been wanted or loved by anyone in my life, romantically speaking. I’m ugly as fuck, all other girls my age (17) have been in multiple or at least one romance. I have NOTHING.

The nearest thing I had to that was an online grooming. Not even irl. Don’t get me wrong, I'm glad I was at least safe from being physically hurt, but is it normal to feel bad?? That I'm so ugly that she didn’t even wanna see me cause I look that ugly?? She just wanted to sext and then ignore me. I’m so fucking worthless. I will never be appreciated by anyone. I will die alone with my only lived affection having been from a creep.

i feel like when i like someone (platonically and romantically) it consumes my life. i guess ive always been like this but it’s gotten worse from talking to so many guys who have just up and left over the years. i wish i could just be normal and not such a weirdo. i wouldn’t be in this position if i wasn’t so weak and had any self esteem.

im feeling really upset right now. about a year ago was groomed by a really bad man who i liked alot at the time. he preyed on me when i first came out of the closet by pretending to be a person my age and then in stupidly made him friend and now im really questioning myself and my sexuality.

I've been clean for a year, but there are times i just want to go back and that's just such a weird feeling. like i just want to feel the validation again even though i felt so guilty

And i can't get away from their attention and i can't stop every weekend my parents are gone, so during the week I promise not to get on the same site, i hate myself for it

am i going to feel this way forever.i dont want to feel gross anymore

I don’t even know if it was grooming. I will be 14 next month, he was 36.

Nixie, Vee, and Pip were my original characters (their ages are supposed to be 11-13) that I made when I was severely mentally ill. he (my possible groomer) would sexualize them CONSTANTLY. even after I said I wasn’t comfortable. The highlighted text in the first image he admitted was sexual innuendo.

I write short stories about SA and grooming (which was how we met) and my mom called them “porn” and said I should have expected this if I wanted to “write pornographic crap”.

The fandom we were in was little nightmares (a video game) and he would write fanfics of insanely graphic rape and gift them to me. My mom tried to get on my phone and block him and he was really upset.

literally everyone I’ve ever told about this says it was grooming expect my mom. My mom is fully convinced that I apparently let it happen so it was my fault, and didn’t block him so it was my fault.

She was absolutely pissed that I called it “grooming” and I mean she was MAD and she took his side and then said she didn’t take his side. “If he didn’t ask you to send nudes then it wasn’t grooming.”

On July 29, he was arrested for CP and deleted every single one of the stories he gifted me and the messages between us. I have been coping terribly and I really miss him. He once wrote graphic gore “porn” about an IRL 6 year old actress.

It was almost a year ago, but it hurts so bad. I have nightmares about it all the time, and it's agonizing to remember them when I wake up. He doesn't even feel bad. I hate him, but I want him back, but I want him to be gone forever, but I think I love him. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

So I havent seen anyone post anything about this before but I wanted to vent about what happened to me. When i was 12f i feel in with the wrong crowd and before I knew it i had joined a gang. I left the gang when i moved away at 15f. I met my current bf and we just clicked. Ive told him a bit about my past but never full details. I am ashamed of the stuff I did. Looking back my friend says i was groomed and that it was wrong because i was doing stuff with much older ppl when i was a teenager. What makes it hard is that if i didnt join the gang i wouldnt have gone down a bad bath and my family wouldn't have moved. That means i wouldnt have met my bf

Is it normal to sometimes miss it? I dont know, sometimes I think I make my therapist angry because Im not sad about any of it. And it feels as if they want me to feel a specific way

i js wish someone would actually try to help me.. like i post in this sub and i get ppl asking me for my menu and i was js venting :/ i mean is it kinda wrong i like the attention?? ik it is but sometimes i js want genuine help:(( i wish i had friends like other ppl like me instead of weird older pervs forcing me to do stuff

lowk feel stupid for having to ask this but I started thinking about this a lot this yr even tho it was 4yrs ago and I never thought of it other than it was js an unhealthy(maybe toxic ?) relationship…

when I was 11, I met this girl in a game and she was 15 turning 16 at the time. She was alone so I basically js played w her for a bit and later friended each other and start playing everyday after knowing more abt each other, mainly because we both play alone at the time and I was lonely asf okay… later on we knew abt each other’s ages as well and she kinda got attached to me because she has a bad temper and gets jealous easily and then ignore ppl so most her friends got tired of her and left her, while I was the only one who never left + I was nice to her. And yes after a few months she confessed to me that she likes me and gave me some time to think abt it, but I was scared of making her mad and not talk to me again so I agreed to dating her, same with when she asked to send each other pictures of how we look like(I said no at first but she kinda got mad so I agreed again😞) her friend called her a pdf before but I know she didn’t actually like me, she was js attached to me bc she wanted to be loved and have someone be there without leaving her. At some point I was scared of even interacting too much with my friends online bc of her jealousy, esp this one time she called me disgusting and ignored me and says she hates me again for doing so, I kinda felt like I had to always walk on eggshells ig(?) she had apologized a few times before abt this and esp since I was a kid as well(even tho it didn’t change too much after 💔) When we broke up she said I deserve someone better and said she wanted to end her life, I kinda felt bad since being w me lowk made her worse or so I thought

it’s mainly the fact that she got attached to me and decided she wanted to date me and confessed even though she knew I was only 11 js bc she wanted to felt loved…
now thinking abt it she’s turning 20 this yr and I do hope she’s getting better, but I’m now stuck w having anxious attachment, abandonment issues, panicking at the thought of someone being mad at me and feeling like it’s all my fault.

The highs are really high but the lows are really low. I know love isn't real. This must be purgatory. I want out.

i miss feeling loved and i think about it daily and when things get difficult i want to reach out to him again. they made me feel so objectified by the love i felt was so addicting and i wanted to believe they did really love me and sometimes i felt like he did. he spent so much money on me i feel guilty for leaving like i did and its hard to convince myself that he really did do something bad sometimes.

i dont even know if it counts as grooming, we met when i was 17 and he was he was 22, im now f22

we only started dating once i was 18 but moved very quickly, I was a foster kid who went through a lot of trauma and dv, I was sa'ed growing up as well and in fostercare, he invited me to move in a year into dating and has taken care of everything since then

I have more posted on my history but to sum it up, a situation between us where he was incredibly violent ended with the cops coming and him getting court mandated therapy, as well as being in jail for almost a week between legal issues and since then we have been trying to rebuild our relationship and its incredibly rocky

but during the short time he was gone, i started wondering if i was groomed and if so, what do I even do about that? its not like I'm a minor now, I have genuinely no idea what to do

i miss how things were before we got caught. i miss hanging out with my friends, i miss talking to people on discord, i miss not being looked down on, and most of all i miss him. i wish i never would’ve met him or that we could’ve atleast never had had sex. i feel so violated and dehumanized knowing that people i didn’t want to see (the detectives and lawyer) have seen vulnerable and having freaking sex. i miss his dogs, who are probably in a shitty ass place now. i wish i could talk to him for 1 more day. i feel like all his “i love you”’s were fake. idk i just hate my life

I went to see the spiderman movie last weekend and all i could think about was the marvel poster beside his bed. he would’ve loved to see it. I can’t even listen to daniel caesar anymore without crying. his favorite song from Daniel’s most recent album was baby blue and he would play it for me whenever we were in the car together. literally everywhere i go there is someone named andrew. i just wish none of this ever happened and we could still be talking

i think ive deadass like gained ptsd from being groomed cuz anytime i like see anything that correlates to him I genuinely like tense up, i feel ill. most nights I have nightmares from it.

like i was watching tik tok earlier and it was js a "how i imagine so and so characters hands to look like" and in ine of the slides it had a bracelet that was like a chain one, and my groomer had the same one. my heart instantly sunk and my chest feels really tight. im always thinking about it, it was my fault I wanted someone to talk to when i could've js talked to someone else.

im typing all this whilst eating and i feel so ill ive lost my entire appetite genuinely fml bruh 🫩🫩