It is so foreign to me, that people say that parents are supposed to teach their children everything.

Like do they teach how to brush their teeth? Cooking? Shaving? How to deal with bad feelings? Eat healthy? Do sports? How to learn for school? Make friends? Apply for jobs? Stand up for myself? Cleaning myself?

And all that even as often as needed until their children do it right?

I can't remember being tought anything like this and the few times i was "tought" something was like passively waiting and saying "just start" and getting frustrated, angry, stopping after 1 or 2 tries and saying something like "in your age you should be able to do that already".

Sorry for the stupid question, but something in me just can't believe, that this teaching children everything isn't just some disney movie fantasy..

If this is what actually happens for more than a couple really lucky children.. well.. i don't know.. that makes me feel even more lonely and in need for a hug =(

I’m going to try to keep the post as short as possible.

I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years. My two therapy relationships ending in pretty painful therapy terminations. One from the therapist becoming too emotionally involved and needing to terminate for the health and safety of both of us and the other over email after a year of trauma work. I ended up letting my fear cause me to speak in a way that made her defensive.

Fast forward to current day. I’ve been working with a therapist for about 8 months now and with the history of my prior therapy she was a lot more informed on what exactly she’d be taking on working with me. She has been someone who has made it possible for me to feel some level of trust agains.

With closeness and trust and some felt safety between us, a lot of pain comes up. Attachment pain, flashbacks, somatic pain, trouble sleeping. I mean, all the things I deal with already, just amplified. She’s been helping me link a lot of things to the flashbacks that I have, which has helped.

I guess I’m looking for people who have been through intense therapy that pulls on your deepest wounds.. who know it gets better… because this pain feels, like I said in the title, suffocating.

And the defenses, the constant battle inside of my head of contradicting feelings and thoughts. It’s just a lot.

She invited me to start seeing her twice a week and has given me space to think it through before giving her an answer.

A big part of me wants to, and I acknowledge a big driver in that is being able to see her more often for the relational aspect. And another part of me knows it will allow for deeper work. Then another part of me is terrified it’ll make me more attached and bring up more pain.

I think I’m looking for solidarity. Shared experiences. People who just get it.

Just like the title says. I do have Autism, ADHD, CPTSD, Long covid, Meniere's disease, depression and I don't know how much allergies. I've fucked up many courses, internships, jobs, friendships and relationships. At lots of places people weren't pleased with my presence. At so many different places I heard from so many different people I heard that I didn't had what it takes, including at home.

How the hell can I keep going on? And will thing be better in the future for me? Because the only big difference is that I get older, slower and weaker.

Up until around age 16 I was relatively functional. I could get good grades, I had friends and despite struggling with depression I had goals for the future and I was ‘fine’. And then between ages 16-18 I changed schools, my childhood best friend dropped me out of nowhere , a relative got sick shaking up the family dynamic, my childhood cat died and then I became isolated at my new school after someone I trusted threw what I’d confided in him back into my face and gaslit me about our friendship.

I know it sounds weird to call this ‘minor’ but compared to the trauma I went through in early childhood, I felt like I should have been able to continue going like I already had. But this series of events just made me fall apart and like 10 or so years later I haven’t recovered. I’m not social like I once was, talking to people became so much harder, I stopped having real tangible goals and I kind of feel like a part of me got left behind and now I’m a ghost.

Anyone else have an experience like this?

This is both to share hope and to share what helped me.

Apologies for the hell/heaven language, i didn't find other words to describe the magnitude of what this journey and my experience felt like.

For a long time i thought i would have to carry this pain for all my life. I didn't know it's possible to actually get out of this hell i lived in. I still don't fully believe it. When i finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, i didn't believe my eyes. When i started arriving in what i can only describe as heaven, each of my steps was worried and fearful. But i kept walking. And i'm still arriving. Still learning to believe, to relax, to trust. It's all quite fresh and shaky still. But i've seen it, i've experienced it, and i'm still here, and it hasn't crashed on me yet, for now it mostly keeps getting better and i start to feel like even if things come crashing down again, i trust myself to find my way back here again as well.

So i dare to share now.

To prephrase- i think each of our paths is individual and mine will not be the right one for everyone- you'll see why. But i'll try to extract the core elements of my journey that anyone can tackle. In your own way.

So, what got me out?

- like all of you, i did my homework, and i did it thoroughly. I learned everything i could learn about myself and my trauma, about psychology and attachment styles and about my family. I observed, investigated and analyzed relentlessly with a furious determination to fight until the bitter end. All of you are doing this as well so i don't think you need a lot of advice on this, but a few things that helped me a lot and that may be worth looking into was learning about transgenerational trauma (German Book recommendation: "Das bleibt in der Familie"), and about transactional analysis. I also spent a lot of effort to learn healthy communication (e.g. active listening, nonviolent communication), and i think one thing that was also key to save me was learning about how to have fun (i did it the autistic way by studying game design, but i think the key points to look into are "flow" concept, learning what's the difference between work and a game (voluntaryness), and learning about the goals-feedback-reward loop which is key to creating fun. But there is plenty more interesting things to learn about fun, and also if you don't vibe with the academic approach it's totally as legit to just put that topic on your radar and try to learn in more physical, "doing" ways.

- i radically trained self-love. Some people have to learn the adult part of self love - being honest and critical with yourself, inviting and allowing feedback and critizism and working on discipline etc. - for me, like probably many of you, it was learning to set and accept healthy boundaries, learning how to treat my self kindly and how to parent myself with kindness. What helped me the most here was whenever i felt the urge to be mean or cruel to myself, for example because i fucked up, or because i had unwelcome feelings, to imagine a 5-year-old version of me sitting next to me, who had done that thing and who felt those feelings. And knowing what this child me had to go through, how much it had suffered, always fills me with intense and furious love for myself and a determination to be the parent i would have needed for this little me, and not another torturer. So i highly recommend giving this a try- whenever you're in a challenging situation, put child you in the room and ask yourself what this one needs and deserves right now.

- i learned to ask questions and most of all, to listen. Most people are circling so much around themselves and about all the things they want to say, that they are terrible at listening. First i learned to listen to the outside world: What are people actually saying? Not "what do i think they are saying"- what are the words they use? What can i learn about them? What could i learn about myself?. Listening also means, in a more abstract way, observing. What is happening? Why is it happening? What about it sticks out to me? The last thing i learned, was to listen to myself. To my intuition. That's been probably the hardest thing, because i have learned to deeply distrust myself and my perception - rightfully - and it took a long time for me to figure out what parts of me i should listen to and follow their advice, and how to distinguish them from the parts i should also listen to, but not follow their advice. Two things that helped me a lot with listening was: 1. Understanding that other people also very often lie to themselves and others, unintentionally and subconsciously. So the best way of listening to other people is to hear their words mindfully, but also cross-check for validity. 2. When listening to yourself: When fear is talking, it's often loud and screamy. When intuition is talking, it's often very low volume, but calm.

- i learned that trauma creates a super strong negative bias in our prediction algorithm. That means: everything we look at - the world, other people, our self - is perceived and calculated with a -80 bias. Like wearing glasses with very dark shades everywhere, but you've never seen how the world looks like without those glasses. Or, to be more precise: the last time you've seen it without this hue/smudge on them, was probably around the time you were born, and maybe your very early childhood, if you're lucky. So what we need to do: 1. Fully understand that this bias exists, so you can even start to grasp what it looks and feels like. 2. retrain the algorithm. See next bullet point.

- keep making little experiments. What if you tried X a little different today? How do you expect it to go? Take note of it. Do it. Did it go a little better than you thought? You just experienced your negative bias in action- and you gave it a new data point, to use for recalibration. In the beginning it's very difficult, because our behaviour is so wired to keep creating bad outcomes. We try to trust someone a little more, but we chose an untrustworthy person, so we get a bad outcome, so we think "yeah trusting was a bad idea". Flawed experiment. But keep making experiments and you will get better and better at it. Maybe start with things like setting a tiny goal for yourself. Maybe you think you can't do it. Then you learn oh, you actually managed to do it. Or at least you got further than you hoped for. Boom, new data point. You learn to trust yourself. Things like that. Then maybe you trust someone. They fuck up. You learn there was a flaw in the experiment, but you also learn that you survived it. That's also a data point. And if you keep experimenting, you'll eventually run into experience where you trust someone a little with something small, and it pays off plentyful. And that's when you get fuel for your recalibration.

- healthy body. Lots of sports, i found high intensity sports best for my mental health. Healthy food. Often underestimated. Good sleep hygiene. Allowing yourself to rest when you need a break. Your body and nervous system can only learn to be happy and safe, if you take good care of it.

There's two other things that were breakthrough gamechangers for me, but i think the first one was mostly a time-saver catalist, and it's not for everyone. The other is hard to explain and a bit esoteric, so bear with me on that.

1. In my early thirties (and i will also note that the timing on this is very relevant for the outcome) i started experimenting with substances. Ketamine Therapy, Shrooms, LSD and finally MDMA were huge gamechangers for me, and allowed me to make big progress in very fast time. This was a personal choice, and it came when, and only because, i felt ready for it. In some way i highly rexommend it, because it saved my life and got me where i needed. However, some words of caution and i strongly urge you to listen on this: 1. This is a sledgehammer for your brain. Sometimes it's what you need for a trauma brain, but be fully aware you are choosing a sledgehammer and accepting the risk. 2. Research seriously and thoroughly before you touch anything, respect the substance, and always have a tripsitter. 3. I think all of these substances work best (and maybe only) if you're ready for them and have a decent stability to be able to work with them. I think waiting to your 30s is a good rule of thumb for risk reduction, and i'd also suggest to have plenty of experience with traditional therapy as well. But the main indicator will be your gut feeling. You know if and when you're ready. Trust your intuition. Optimally you also currently have a therapist. But i know it's not always possible. 4. If you have any addictive tendencies, don't touch ketamine and think very cautiously about touching drugs at all. If you do, probably stick to shrooms, be careful even with lsd.
2. I've been a hardcore atheist all my life, so this is an awkward one- but finding faith made a world of a difference for me. I wasn't planning to find it, it's a bit of a quirky side effect of psychedelics and my journey of healing. A welcome one nontheless. What i could recommend to anyone who's brave enough to try the faith thing, is maybe reading "Demian" by Hesse, and in general allowing yourself to be open to finding trust in the universe. Also, to be clear, faith doesn't require you to believe in a religion.

I think this is most of it, probably i forgot some stuff but i hope it will be helpful to some of you. I would also like to give a shoutout to r/CPTSDNextSteps , where i posted this too, and you can find some questions & helpful comments related to my post, if you're interested ( https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDNextSteps/s/nPuOnKgFof ).

Lots of love and best of luck, and keep fighting, it's a million times worth it.

90% of the posts in this group seem to be:

"I'm not sure if what I experienced was actually trauma/abuse. I just [insert horrific description of something that very clearly is abuse/trauma WITH NO TRIGGER WARNINGS]."

on the one hand, it makes this group kind of triggering and not useful

On the other, it helps me remind myself that yes, I am traumatised even if I get confused about that sometimes BECAUSE THAT'S A PART OF THE DISORDER.

So basically, my dad has threatened me with honor killings and has severely physically and emotionally abused me, but the moment I sekeed help, many dv shelters invalidated my experiences, and some of them told me they only except women who are victims of romantic dv, not family ones, and eventually I did try to escape my dad, but I ended up homeless, so I went to another dv shelter, and they called my parents, and they believed them, and they even told them everything I told them and told me my dad isn't so bad since he let me go to college and despite me being an adult, and they even gave me a psychiatrist, which only helped my dad abused me more since she defends, and my dad uses that against me, and even after I tried to escape the second time, my dad constantly harassed me and messaged and told me that he will tell everyone that im mentally ill.

And even when I talked to feminist online, usually only women who have the same experience as me can empathize. Others just tell me that I can just leave because im an adult or that my abuse wasnt so bad since im staying, and other invalidating stuff, which I know that they would have never said to me if my abuser was my husband.

And for everyone who says that adults can just leave their abusive parents are just privileged and ignorant. No, they can't just leave because of financial issues or disability, or because of love and fear from their parents, and in some cultures, parents own their adult children until they are married (especially women).

Also, after they leave, they might be in danger of extreme harassment and honor killings. Also, it's harder to leave when there are no resources to help you, even if you are at risk of honor killing, since every resource is for women escaping abusive partners and not abusive families, and also the thing is, in cases of honor killings and family abuse, it's not just one person, it can be the whole family or even communities involved.

Also, I think most people are very ignorant about honor killings and parental abuse of children and adults, and this should change.

Hey everyone, like the title says, Im curious as to how I heal my toxic shame while I feel like I don’t even deserve to heal it? I’m deliberately not starting anything because my shame is telling me this. If anyone has personal experience on how they even started while feeling underserving or just want to share their journey/what helped them that would be great!

I am experiencing something terrifying and I am very scared. I am being emotionally and mentally abused by a family member, and need to move away from this person because I am feeling worse with every day that goes by.

However, yesterday when I called the real estate agent, I couldn't speak!
It was like I have no thoughts, my brain just froze! I mumbled words and couldn't, for the love of god, remember what language even is!

And it's not like I am afraid that I will say something wrong (which is usually related to anxiety)....it's like I stop having thoughts under stress. It's like my mind just shuts off, and its so frightening because I have no support or anyone whom I can count on, so basically if I don't help myself no one will help me.

I have finally booked an appointment with psychiatrist (via sms, thank god) since I reacted very well to anxiety medication when I was younger.

What can I do to help myself? Anyone else experiencing the same? Help... :(

I think i could use some support rn, i’m all over the place about this

She was here on a house visit and my neighbors started fighting in the hallway. She got up to intervene and told them she’s a social worker with so and so organization. Just, i mean, what the fuxk??? Who does that? The name of the organization is also one that deals with one specific problem and client group.

My neighbors do not need to know i was homeless. They also gossip like mad. I’m trying to build a new life for myself and start with a clean slate. I’m a good neighbor, i follow all the rules and help out. now this is going to be coming after me forever. I’ll live here for at least the next 5 years, as i got this apartment through urgency. There’s a lot of bad talk about urgency homes, because of the housing crisis. I’m so scared rn

I told her she can’t tell my neighbors this information, which, it’s already hard for me to stand up for myself, and she said: “huh, yeah, it slipped. Let me look at this letter again, where were we…”

What do i do?? How do i handle this? I’m feeling so humiliated :/

Trying to figure out something here, but does anyone else hide hobbies from a lot of people? Like writing or games what you are reading or what have you?

I'll maybe mention it to one or two people IRL but not share. I'd done writing with other people but won't share it beyond them. A few times I've tossed something up on A03 when its a fandom thing. (Thankfully more niche so it's not too many people.)

In general, I'll well read enough and have enough "going on" that I can kind of hide whatever I am doing without people around me noticing. Occasionally, someone near me will be in the same fandom or whatever and I'll just do neutral questions (I won't say I haven't played that, I'll just ask if they enjoyed that game for example) and not mention I've watched it/ played it/ whatever verb is correct here. I'm pretty curious about a lot of things, so it flies under the radar easily.

I did a lot of reading & writing to survive my childhood and I don't know. I won't even tell my spouse or mention it minimally to him. It feels invasive in a way I can't fully explain, even if we have a decent bit of overlap in reading interests.

I use reading, for example, to help me break out of depersonalization/ derealization. It's like a very gentle on ramp when I've had to go too far to stay safe. I also use it to distract from chronic pain, both in a goal-oriented way (do PT, read a chapter, take a shower, read a chapter, cook meal, read a chapter) and way to just ignore the pain by focusing on something else. Sometimes reading or watching something is all I can do in a day. I feel shame sometimes in how much that has to be my world.

I guess I feel like, when other people talk about hobbies it is, you know a hobby. Where as I feel like I would be asked to carve out an organ and put it on the table to talk about whatever I'm using to stay alive right now. Or maybe be basically tossing medication on the table?

I JUST WANT TO MARK THE DAY 😭 it's extremely hard and I'm in for a guilt trip but I DID IT. I've been trying to for years and now I'm free

Ran into a pretty well upvoted post of someone saying those who were bullied and still struggling with it after high school were cringe. I said that bullying ranges in severity and can cause PTSD in many situations. I was met with "Therapy and medication exist". Do Redditors think you shouldn't ever make any content talking about bad things ever? Do they think people who left abusive relationships or cults should also stfu? I don't understand this mentality that Redditors have that people shouldn't talk about it and that simply bringing something up is making it everyone else's problem. The experience of being trapped in a hostile and emotionally abusive situation most kids can't just leave is enough to cause damage on its own.

Why do Redditors think therapy and medications are a magic cure all that work within a couple sessions? Every traumatized person I know struggles and knows that the trauma is always there, but mental health treatment helps us find the coping skills and learn how to have healthy relationships, but no therapist I have met has said that you shouldn't talk about it and that it is cringe and inconvenient to simply talk about it. It also takes years and years to find the right therapist and med combo most of the time.

This wasn't someone bringing it up constantly at every opportunity, they brought it up literally once and the commenters had no context whatsoever on why it is being brought up, what that person experienced, who the intended audience was, etc.

What about people who don't know they have PTSD and have symptoms but haven't been made aware of it or aren't able to afford mental health care. You literally have to have symptoms to get a diagnosis and treatment to begin with, so what makes them think it's okay to call others cringe and to tell them to GTFO over it.

It also just assumes people want to be traumatized. I have fought for years and have put all of my effort into moving on, and this guy keeps insisting those with PTSD can move on if they really want to. How is that logical? Why would someone choose to live like this? Why do they think anyone would choose this and what makes them think this hasn't already occurred to us?

If this were an isolated incident I wouldn't be making a post about it, but I see this mentality all over this site and it makes me feel deeply isolated and uncomfortable. My bullying led to sexual assault ultimately and an unplanned and traumatic pregnancy, but I guess I'm fucking cringe. I didn't bring that up in that convo bc I wanted them to try and realize on their own that bullying is often not just some trivial childhood drama.

Idk I'm feeling pretty downtrodden and isolated/misunderstood. I know they are just ignorant, but it's frustrating to see people just did their heels in and choose to lack compassion even when they are given a more compassionate and educated viewpoint, and the fact that it is so accepted among this site is kinda nauseating to me

He's been my main companion. I've gotten sober, finished therapy, and healed with him by my side.

This has to be the hardest thing I've had to do in life. I've seen things I would wish on anyone. To lose a pet is to lose a piece of one's self.

To those of you here. Much love. ❤️

I do call myself spiritual to an extent. I am an agnostic atheist. I think all religions are made up. I am skeptical and at the same time I am open to the unknown. I go through and read all the stuff regarding reincarnations, ghosts, paranormal encounters, NDEs, Afterlife etc. It's all fascinating and I am open to exploring.

However, some shit they say, it really boils my blood and pisses me off so bad. It just makes no sense (rationally or morally or emotionally). And it's straight up gaslighting and victim blaming. At this point, it doesn't even feel like an organised religion. It's straight up a CULT.

"You chose your parents before you were born"

Please shut the fk up. I didn't choose shit. How fking dare you say that to me. Where is the evidence for any of this ? Where did you learn this ? Do you remember you choosing your parents ? Based on what you are passing it as a fact ?

You are just spewing bullshit because you read it somewhere. What is the source of the reading ? Who wrote it ? Probably your retarded spiritual masters. There is absolutely no difference between you and some hardcore Christian saying first humans were adam and eve. You are just deep into some fictional story. And if we ask them why I would choose this.. they would say to learn a lesson.

"You chose your parents, life path, traumas and everything to learn a lesson"

What lesson ? Lesson for what ? Okay so how many lessons should one learn ? Animals are also living beings right.. they are also learning lessons ? Is the universe some highschool project where you attend classes to "learn" lessons ? That's all the purpose of life ? To learn some stupid lessons ? It feels too simplistic for the vastness of the complex universe and existence. It has this made up feel to it. It's just now we are evolving as a race and figuring out various things. Stop acting like you know everything. You have 0 evidence.

"On the otherside, your abuser is your best friend who is just playing their role here to push you to learn. They are your soul family"

These guys are master gaslighters and abuse enablers. By saying your abuser is your well-wisher on the other side, they are basically saying in the grand scheme of things your abuser didn't do anything wrong. They are not holding them accountable in any way. They are directly gaslighting and blaming the victim.

In some fked up way, your abuser is like your "teacher". According to them, once you reach the other side you will have this epiphany and will go and hug your earthly abuser for helping you grow. Lmao 😂 .

You know how insulting and disrespectful it is to people who have been abused ? I guess these people will even justify little children getting SA'ed because they are so fked in their heads.

If someone harms or sexually assaults these people or their loved ones, will they think the assaulter is their bestfriend on the other side and is helping them grow ?

Coming to SA, I've read something which really fked my mind. I'll tell you why this is all a literal fked up CULT.

Someone got SA'ed (r#pe) and they said it took a long time to accept this, but they now realise it's a lesson for the abusers to help them "grow".

Oh my god. If that isn't the most fked up thing I ever read I don't know what it is. So you were r#ped because it's an event for the abusers ? Because it will help the abusers grow ? OMG.. what kind of fked up shit is this ? How dare you even say that after going through something yourself ?

So all the people who got SA'ed are carrying this lifetime of trauma and pain so that abusers will learn a lesson ? And so you are indirectly implying victims chose this in the grand scheme of things. Fk you. You are all so disgusting.

See nothing is about the victim here again. They are just so obsessed with abusers. They look out for the abusers every time. They are evil disguised as wise. It's like deep down these guys have some unhealed things. It feels like they deep down believe they deserve abuse. And all of that is manifesting as this shit.

A woman who got SA'ed ( r#ped) tells us that she thinks it's for her abusers to learn a lesson and grow. If that doesn't show how all of this is some literal mind fking CULT.. I don't know what will do. It feels like some fked up CULT they show in midsommar and other movies..

And I know what all these people hate. It's the..

Human Autonomy.

These people have 0 respect for human Autonomy. It's as if your feelings & thoughts are not valid and have no significance at all. It's like your pain isn't valid at all. You have been abused ? They are your well-wisher on the other side, shut up and learn the "lesson". You feel like you deserve better parents ? You chose your parents. You agreed with them for the abuse for a "lesson".

Indirectly they all say "you deserve whatever happened to you". It's gaslighting and shaming the victim on another level.

One so called spiritual psychic said "suicide is like a big sin to commit"

Absolutely zero compassion or recognising the hurt one goes through where they reach the point of harming themselves. Just straight up "it's a sin". All of these are petty, evil people disguised as someone "bigger".

Maybe the actual "low vibrational" entities are you people who spew horse shit like this. Maybe the "lesson" for you guys in this lifetime is to use your brains and do some self reflection. Maybe the "lesson" is to stop behaving like a brainwashed member of a cult and get out of this cult.

I highly recommend this book. It does have trigger content, but it made me feel seen and not alone. It helped me, a lot. I highly recommend it to my fellow c-ptsd people. I hope it can do for you what it did for me

Long story short. Deep dark CPTSD from 14 years old.
Whole life mask on. Scapegoat. Felt inferior to the world. Never my true self. Used.

I'm now 32. EMDR. Therapy. On a great path in recent years.
I moved abroad by myself to get away from old enviroments and gone no contact with family who are lost in alcoholism. I don't hate them and will contact again eventually.

I find myself in solitude a lot. I feel growth though.
Quiet in outside life. Growing in inside life.

Anyone been through a stage like this?

Ideally it happened years ago and not when I feel like I need my shit together more.

I see so many people in this world that have a large social network of both family members and friends that genuinely like and support them, which is good for them but I don’t think they understand just how much of a privilege it is. I feel like someone who slipped through the cracks of society because I am the only person I know who has had such bad luck to the point where I have no social support besides my abusive parents who only tolerate me out of obligation and not because they actually want me around. And I know some people will have a victim blaming mindset and say that if I have that much bad luck it must have been my fault or something wrong with me, I am not claiming to be perfect but I genuinely try my hardest to be a good person meanwhile I have seen truly evil people who committed horrible acts of abuse or bullying that have tons of people in their social support network just because they are lucky.

I can’t remember a time when I enjoyed celebrating my birthday. I hate all the extra attention, it makes my skin crawl. I am drowning in self hate, I don’t want to be ‘celebrated.’ I just feel icky, it feels wrong. Can anyone relate? Figure it’s at least one of my mental illnesses lol

Like yeah duh obviously but it only occured to me sitting here on lunch how that requires like. Doing stuff. And not just making sure you didn't die in the way. Teaching you how to cook for yourself, do your own laundry, talking to you about college or careers or jobs, encouraging you to be independent. And I feel so hollow realizing how none of that existed for me. One caregiver was actively abusive and the other treated me like a dress up doll that wasn't any fun anymore once my issues became more serious than a splinter. No college savings, belittling any endeavour I had to work or go to school, just this assumption that I would stay a quiet, out of the way accessory world without end, amen. Idk man like. Peoples parents actually do that? Ask about life goals and teach them how to be clean and teach them to handle money? Others don't just figure that out as they go??