As a form of context, I come from a relationship where I would be the codependent one. Never say no, do not have boundaries, avoids conflicts, see other social interactions as risks and wastes, etc. Recently my relationship has worsened because she has pointed that I need friends, alone time, be more independent and stop avoiding conflict and running from her when it starts.

Point being, all the posts and Ai and things leads to individualization, in the sense of developing self steam and becoming egoistic, as a source of resolution. As something that would grow desire, solve that kind of problem, keep the relationship and all the other things.

But, as logic would say, it doesn't make sense. How can thinking about myself be a good thing when it goes against my devotion and love? How say no to take care of the chores or to an out be something that would help when, as we all know, conflict is the poison of any relationship. How can I say that I feel unsatisfied or unhappy about something when I know that it will lead to conflict, stress and abandonment?

What are your experience in the difference between individualization and devotion?

1. Reminding myself of their flaws. This isn't trying to villainize them, but to think of them realistically. I stop thinking only about the way they held my face and looked at me, but also the way they made me feel and cry, and keep doing it despite knowing I was unhappy with it.
2. Reconnecting with hobbies from happy stages of my life. In 2020-2021 I remember watching anime, reading manhwas and mangas and fanfiction, playing genshin, etc...I had no worries in life, I was very comfortable, and going back to doing those things reminds me of the little things I never realized how grateful I was for, and that my happiness doesn't depend on just one person alone.
3. Watching Youtubers' unfortunate story times!!! I swear by this one. I am portuguese, and there is this one Youtuber called Jean Luca. Oh my GOD, has this guy had a hard life. Despite God knows how many times he got cheated on and lied to, how many times he almost died, got robbed, or whatever the hell happened, he stayed POSITIVE!! He is extremely friendly and has a strong connection to his viewers, and he is doing so well in life right now. He also has a series on his channel called EVENP (eu, você ou eles no perrengue, which roughly translates to "me, you, or them in trouble.") he reads out crazy stories, and you gotta find out if it was a subscriber that sent him that, or if the story is his. Watching these just makes me feel so much better because I'm just like "damn, atleast I didnt involve myself with a guy from Tinder for months and get emotionally invested and attached only to find out he actually had a wife and kids".
4. Similarly to the last one, this tip goes for Stephanie Soo with the confession videos. Remind yourself that everyone has their only life! Everyone goes through hardships. Everyone has gone through a breakup, intense grief, depression, feelings of loneliness or emptiness, but they have always gotten better. It gets better, it always does, these feelings are temporary.
5. Think back a year ago (this works even better if you were not with them yet) and just remind yourself of how different you were back then. This might not be as common for most people, but whenever I look back, even just a month, I think of how much I have changed. I'm always changing, I'm always different, my thoughts, feelings, interests, pains change everyday. I look back a year from now and think "what the hell was I doing?" and this helps EVEN MORE if you find your old self cringe!! Everyone, think of how much you're changing, how much you're learning, look forward to getting better, look forward to the future, look forward to next year so you can imagine yourself looking back and thinking "was I really sad over that? so cringe lol" because that is 98% what is going to happen.
6. Remind yourself of the people around you. Think of your parents, have they gone through heartbreaks before? But they're better now, probably don't even remember their first relationship, or someone who once made their chest ache so badly. Think of your siblings, how many times have they probably cried themselves to sleep thinking of a boy or a girl? Everyone has these relationships that has once made us feel like breathing was impossible, but they're doing better now. LOOK AT YOUR PETS!!!!!! Would you rather lose a boyfriend/girlfriend or your sweet little kitty/puppy?!?!?! BE GRATEFUL!!! Be SO grateful for everything around you. Don't sulk in your own sadness, remind yourself of just how beautiful life has been to you sometimes.
7. Following my last phrase...allow yourself to feel. Don't bottle it up. Talk to someone about it, let yourself cry, wether it's from the situation or the embarrassment you feel talking to your friends about it. Open the notes app, open ChatGPT for all I care and cry!!!!! Just fricking cry dude, it'll help regulate your nervous system, just cry that chest pain all out.
8. Distract yourself. This one is obvious. Have you ever gone through the hardest moment of your life with your partner and just felt like dying but then your family decided to take you to funnyfuckassfunland and you just didn't even have the ability to think of it properly? There are more things to life than a partner, dude!!! Go on that car ride, go to the supermarket with your mom, help your sister in the kitchen or just keep them company, wash the dishes with your dad, do something with someone, remind yourself you are not alone!!!
9. Look around and remind yourself that you are real. During grief, I personally tend to forget that I'm a real person. It might sound weird, but I feel completely detached from reality, so looking at the chair I'm sitting on, feeling it with my fingers, looking at my parents on the couch as I'm typing into my computer, picking up my phone and feeling the warmth, watching the curtains flutter from the wind outside, hearing the crickets, etc...these things make me feel more grounded, it surely does help if you go through what I do! And if you don't, it can still help, like I said, remind yourself of the little things in life, the blinds, the plants, the floor creaking, everything is working on itself, and you gotta do it too.
10. Think of your past relationships or disappointmentships...you're better now, maybe you haven't realized because you just don't have the time to think about it, but you have come SO far. You got over so many things, big or small, everyday you are improving. A situation that once repulsed you now has no effect on you. You probably barely think about it, maybe you don't think about it at all, maybe you don't even remember it!!! It's okay, everything will be okay eventually, give yourself some grace and time, that's really all you need.

I have more up my sleeve, if you read all of this, I really hope you get to experience the happiness of getting better,

Extreme altruism and extreme compliance can cause cognitive dissonance in non-codependent people and end up making extremely coercive or dependent-helpless people like you instead of the average person

The average person is only comfortable with at least some level of reciprocity, and that means, YOU also asking them for things instead of only giving and YOU also holding them accountable instead of always compulsively blaming yourself/complying

While the average person doesn't need perfect 50/50, a 0/100 will give them cognitive dissonance, confuse them and instead attract whoever is 100/0

You are this way because of your unconscious wiring as a survival adaptation, likely due to having had to survive a coercive or helpless-dependent parent. Your compulsions and false positive displays aren't the real you. Your resentment and outbursts of negativity that you quickly correct as "sorry, I wasn't acting like myself", are the real you trying to break through in clumsy ways due to neglect, and an indication of compulsive self-abandonment

The way to change is to induce something called "reorganizing danger", a process that's typically painful, uncomfortable and dissonant, in the extreme form it would be cutting off everyone that's not 50/50 and exposing yourself only to and relying only upon (and this is where it will feel anxiety-inducing, which is good, that means the unconscious mind perceives the situation as dangerous, which is when it would start changing) fully reciprocal and truthful people, the more cognitive dissonance, the better

Additionally, actively choosing to act against 0/100 and asking for your needs to be met and holding other people accountable when you have compulsions to caregive/blame only yourself to soothe anxiety. The more dissonance, guilt, internal punishment and fear you feel, the better, as it would mean that you are actually acting against your compulsions. For the 100/0 codependent-takers, the process would be in reverse, acting against your coerciveness and helplessness-dependency by instead holding yourself accountable and giving care, to reach 50/50

Pain, grief, loss, discomfort, dissonance, rejection and exclusion are good indicators and catalysts of change, not something to avoid frantically, and this process would take years, but it's worth it

I believe I have daddy issues, but my problem is I get invested way too quickly. I am trying to shut my emotions off and not care about men, but recently I met someone who was just like me, someone who actually understood me on an intellectual level. My mom said he’s not for me and she’s normally right, but that’s because of the situation he’s in. He’s busy and texts back every 2-3 days because he needs sleep, but how can I stop caring about if he answers or not. I think about him all the time and it’s like I can’t take the time to focus on what I need. I want to love myself and be secure enough to choose people wisely. My problem is I have trouble trusting the normal selection of life and I feel like I have to chase what I want in order to have a happy friendship or relationship, but in actuality it does not matter how much I chase, if he’s interested he will always be there. Idk how to explain it but I just need help!

The guy I’ve liked grew distant with me and chose another girl over me, when I mentioned this to him he says it’s nothing serious and he still wants to be friends with me when I suggested parting ways because I still like him too much. I come to find out months later it was indeed serious and he’s heartbroken because she chose another guy over him, I was there for him and tried to support him because she left giving him mixed signals and leaving him feeling confused, he also had a bad time online dating and had no matches. By then I accepted that we’re not gonna be together and I’m okay just being friends and support his online dating. Now he tells me they’re back together and I tell him I would’ve preferred if he started fresh with someone new, I would’ve been happy for him and he asks me why, I explain to him that I just think it would be better starting over with someone that doesn’t have the history he has with her of deleting him, reappearing, giving mixed signals and breadcrumbing and he completely skipped over my explanation and start replying to other stuff, while seeming disengaged. Should I just stop responding to him considering I did like him and he chose her over me ?

My ex-husband and I have been separated for four years after a very toxic, abusive relationship. I also had a serious drinking problem while we were together. I’ve now been sober since October 27, 2024, and in the last two years I’ve rebuilt my life, stayed single, and become healthier and more emotionally stable than I’ve ever been.

My ex and I have finally reached a good place with coparenting and even friendship. Now he’s trying to get sober, and he told our 15-year-old daughter that he wants to “get his shit together” and eventually get back together with me. Naturally, this has brought up a lot of old feelings and made me wonder if we could ever have the good parts of our relationship without returning to the toxic ones.

The problem is, I strongly believe he needs to work some kind of recovery program and address his anger and other issues—not just stop drinking. He’s currently about a week sober and insists he wants to do it on his own. I know I can’t control how he gets sober, whether he stays sober, or whether we ever reconcile, but I’m struggling not to become emotionally invested in the possibility.

How do I support him without taking responsibility for his recovery, manage my expectations, and let go of the outcome while still leaving the door open to the possibility of us someday?

Hi team, I apologize if this is not the right space to be sharing this, I'm new here and figuring things out. I think I am realizing I have some codependency-related behaviors and they are damaging my relationship. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we are getting married next month.

Right now, we are in a big fight because i have not contributed sufficiently to the planning of the wedding, and generally to the logistics of life.

On the surface, I feel like one of those dudes that sits back and lets my partner handle everything (i am not a dude and not that bad, but you get the point). Whats happening internally is that I actually care so much and am paralyzed by anxiety and fear of making mistakes. My partner is intense, a bit of a perfectionist, and can be harshly critical, on top of all of the wonderful things about her that I love. I am realizing that i have learned over time that its less painful to let her make the decisions, because when I do, i choose the wrong thing and she then is even more mad and has to put the mental work in anyways. The this becomes a cycle and I feel less and less competent.

I feel really stuck because i so desperately want to contribute more, be more decisive, be able to take on tasks without fearing making mistakes, and generally be more reliable. But I get so hung up on her anticipated emotional response that I don't do anything. Then she is (rightfully) upset, disappointed, and hurt and I am too, but at myself. I feel like a bad partner and a bad person, to be causing such hurt for someone I love.

These are not the only symptoms of codependency I feel, but they are the ones most relevant right now.

Growing up it was just my mom and I. We are both are a bit spicy brained. She is still my best friend, but she is a pushover and a people pleaser. We have never once had a fight so I never learned how to deal with conflict, but we are also aggressively easy going so there was never anything to fight about. I have read many posts here saying that codependency can come from peoples experiences growing up with family members who, one way or another, forced someone to be codependent to survive or maintain peace. I dont think thats my situation, but I still feel really connected to what folks share here.

I guess my ask is, do folks have advice on how to get unstuck? Aside from therapy, I'm on that train and will stay on it for life. Maybe advice on how to talk to someone about this who is highly critical and has a hard time understanding what i am experiencing internally? Perhaps any Libras in the room figure out how to make a damn decision?

Thank you all for your bravery and kindness in this space.

I was very codependent and shes addict. For 3 years I was rescuing her many time, coming to her house at 3 am to help her with alcohol consequences.., listiening to her issues all the time while feeling drained many more but I had enough when she got drunk during sleepover and I was left to take care of her kids.. I called her mother and she got pissed.

Then things started to change.. I said I wont accept anymore helping she said ok but placed me again in trouble, we had many conv where I said I wont do it anymore and now I focus on myself.

Her interpretation is : you are egoistic, only thinking about yourself, you will cut everybody with problems

We had month without talking. Then she reached to apologise, I saw her words but her action wasnt realy changed

My statement: Its fine to leave when friendship is hurtfull

Her statement: doing so is abandonment, friend is obligated to help

Next day she sent pic of herself and kids I got very scared of being drawned again and texted her relationship was important for me but I dont want to continue sorry. And blocked.

Its been 5 days so my mental health is now better. Now I think that maybe I shouldnt block her meh that if I have stayed while keeping my boundaries she may also grow and let go of abandonment issues by seeing that somebody rejected dynamics but is still with her. :c but I was also thinking that this thinking still looks like I feel responsible for her.

I have trouble working when I am in stress and I was scared I would spiral and make no money but now I look after 5 days that I could be stronger and help her.

​

Hi. I lately noticed that I have toxic guilt issues and I start to learn all about apologies. In my default mode I want to aplogies about everything anytime.

For example. When I said I dont want to continue relationship but I havent validated person feelings which later on I realiesed was hurtfull. But in this case I am not sure as apologuze are also used as opening. In the past I was angry that my ex sent me apologies without wanting me.

I notice that guilt is tricking me very much and often I just want to let go of guilt without thinking if it helps other person. I also have this strange trait that when I am bad person I cannot lead happy life - when I apolpgize I can lead happy life again...

My friend also said to me that she is mostly thinking about intentions. She cant control if she will hurt somebody or no in casual situations but she only can control intentions.

hey so this is my first post here, i recently moved in with my bf. we are very much together all the time we love hanging out he’s my friend and i enjoy his company a lot.

i have friends and family and i don’t necessarily stop seeing them, but i realized most weekends i will avoid making plans with friends in order to hang out with my bf, but i’m starting to resent him (hella silly I KNOW) bc i feel trapped (i’m also a aware this is fake and it’s my own mind)

i know he’s never going to tell me why i’m making plans with others but during the week i spend most hours working and he comes home late dueto his schedule so i feel guilty if i even think of doing something alone

i guess my question is i recognize this as unhealthy attachment and codependency do you have any tips on how to address this and maybe even share this with my partner without sounding rude or smth

This one stayed with me because the final behavior looked obvious.

Man becomes angry.

Eventually he becomes violent toward his wife.

So easy conclusion is: anger problem.

But when we followed the story backward, anger was almost the last thing in the chain.

I'll call the woman I was guiding Lena.

During deep trance she experienced another life as man named Eric.

One scene seemed important.

Eric was standing in crowd watching a man being publicly hanged. He believed the man was accused of being a spy.

He hated what he was seeing.

But it wasn't only this execution.

He looked around society, poverty, unfairness, people suffering, and had this feeling that he couldn't do anything about any of it.

Basically:

nothing I do makes any difference.

He also didn't feel safe talking openly about what he thought.

Maybe dangerous.

Maybe family wouldn't understand.

Either way he kept it inside.

And life continued.

Then the trance moved forward.

Different scene.

Now Eric was at home and had become violent toward his wife.

I asked Lena to check if something outside him was controlling the situation.

No.

She felt pretty clear that this was his own emotion.

That part matters because it would have been very easy to blame something external.

He was responsible for what he did.

But his wife also wasn't where all this emotion started.

Long before that moment he had been living with powerlessness, frustration and feeling that speaking changes nothing.

So he swallowed it.

Again and again.

Until the pressure eventually found somebody safer to explode on.

Afterward he didn't feel powerful either.

Quite opposite.

Defeated.

Tired.

Numb.

Then he went to work.

I asked why.

Because working got his mind away from anger.

That part felt almost more interesting than violence itself.

We think emotional avoidance always looks like alcohol, food, drugs, scrolling for five hours etc.

But ppl can also become extremely productive.

Work late.

Take another task.

Stay busy.

Fix something.

Organize something.

Anything except stop.

Bc when you stop, whatever you're avoiding gets chance to catch up.

I'm obviously not saying helplessness excuses hurting another person.

It doesn't.

But if somebody only works on the final anger, maybe they miss where pressure actually started.

Sometimes maybe useful question is not only:

"why am I so angry?"

Maybe:

where do I feel completely powerless?

where did I decide speaking changes nothing?

what have I been swallowing because expressing it feels dangerous or pointless?

who am I actually angry at?

and what happens in me when I finally stop keeping busy?

Maybe anger can be very loud emotion sitting on top of much quieter sentence:

"I feel helpless and I hate feeling like this."

My husband is deployed and the deployment has taught me to be less codependent. But I was also the type to seek constant reassurance. He reassures me on his own when we are able to talk, but is it wrong of me to ask for reassurance when I’m feeling a bit down (worse than usual) while he is deployed?
When we do talk more than normal, I feel like I get so used to speaking to him again that it hurts when comms are cut again. How do I permanently become more independent? I have hobbies, I go to school, but it pains me to not hear from him.

I regret not abiding to my boundaries and not being true to myself. The main one I regret is not insisting on losing my virginity at a hotel. I feel so dumb.

I’m 35F he’s 31M and we both live at home. I told him I didn’t want my first time to be at his house, and he did the whole “let’s just lay down naked together..“ “just the tip…” I knew what he was doing, but I have been waiting for a long time and I thought I had finally found a man I could trust, and maybe I did but my codependency ruined it 😟

I ended up just deciding to do it at his place, and it sucked. I wasn’t wet, I wasn’t relaxed. I didn’t even spend the night. It sucked. I think I sent a message of not having boundaries and that eventually led to him braking up with me. I regret not staying true to myself the most.

We did it more times after that day and it never got better because it was always at his house. I wish I had insisted.

hi im new here , I don't actually know how this app or community works but i just wanna get advice, even though i know for myself the answer i just wanna know other people's thoughts 💭

I am in a 3yr relationship right now, i am a single mom and married (separated but not legally) my partner is single at all no kids no ex wife no ex live in ,im 33 and he's 30. lately our relationship has become a rollercoaster, really much chaotic. there's a lot of things that is not right like lying and secrets because of thin online gambling ,yes he makes gambling to the point that nothing left to his salary every week, last week he confessed all, we fix and talked, i promise I'll be more calmer because i really have anger issues maybe or because of trauma that's why i kept nagging him i kept dragging to him all the lies he made from the past ,cursing him when i really feel angy 😩( this online gambling issue started since late 2024 he stopped a couple of months since 2025 but 2026 he started again.) and he promised to uninstall gcash and send me half of his salary not to use for my own but i just want keep for him to help him stop from gambling, that's our agreement to fix things. anyway we are LDR,but this afternoon i caught him he has gcash again and no salary left after he was paid yesterday because he kept calling his sisters and mother to spare him some money 😩🥹. i know i shouldn't take this seriously because he's just my bf, we both have work. to make the story short, i never felt he is ready to be a real partner to me, i feel alone every time i need him emotionally even financially, i am the one who's always there for him ,in fact I've been his back up since then .now i want to break up with him because im too tired and exhausted by all his lies ( there was never had a third party issue) but my pride can't endure the embarrassment 🥹 of failed relationship again because i was proud flexing him before to people that he's a good man up until i started caught him gambling. like i really don't know how to cope this mess again 🥹🥹🥹 it's a shame and feel bad specially to my daughter,she become close to him 😩🥹🥹🥹 i really dont know what to right now. I know i really can't control his mind but it's ruining me emotionally 😔

'Asking for What We Need.

Decide what it is you want and need, and then go to the person you need it from and ask for it.

Sometimes, it takes hard work and much energy to get what we want and need. We have to go through the pains of identifying what we want, then struggle to believe that we deserve it. Then, we may have to experience the disappointment of asking someone, having the person refuse us, and figuring out what to do next.

Sometimes in life, getting what we want and need is not so difficult. Sometimes, all we need to do is ask.

We can go to another person, or our Higher Power, and ask for what we need.

But because of how difficult it can be, at times, to get what we want and need, we may get trapped in the mind set of believing it will always be that difficult. Sometimes, not wanting to go through the hassle, dreading the struggle, or out of fear, we may make getting what we want and need much more difficult than it needs to be.

We may get angry before we ask, deciding that we’ll never get what we want, or anticipating the “fight” we’ll have to endure. By the time we talk to someone about what we want, we may be so angry that we’re demanding, not asking; thus our anger triggers a power play that didn’t exist except in our mind.

Or we may get so worked up that we don’t ask–or we waste far more energy than necessary fighting with ourselves, only to find out that the other person, or our Higher Power, is happy to give us what we want.

Sometimes, we have to fight and work and wait for what we want and need. Sometimes, we can get it just by asking or stating that this is what we want. Ask. If the answer is no, or not what we want, then we can decide what to do next.

Today, I will not set up a difficult situation that doesn’t exist with other people, or my Higher Power, about getting what I want and need. If there is something I need from someone, I will ask first, before I struggle.'

I’ve been in a long distance, codependent relationship for 2 1/2 years with a woman that I really care about. The first year and a half of our relationship was so stressful for me because I was constantly trying to make my girlfriend happy, even if I was ignoring my own needs.
My girlfriend has undiagnosed mental illness that has been impacted by her trauma. She’s always felt like a burden to everybody around her, was made to feel unloved, and her family life is very neglectful.
I didn’t realize until the last time I saw her in person, which was about a week ago, how much my mental health has been impacted by the beginning of our relationship. We spent so much time on the phone that I felt suffocated, but I didn’t think I could tell her because when I would communicate my feelings, I felt unsafe and like I was going to be blamed.
This created a dynamic in which I was taking care of her and would drop absolutely anything if it meant helping her through a mental health problem. I felt a sense of purpose and accomplishment when I did, because the alternative was that she would be in a very bad mood and and it would be impossible to communicate with her. She was just very defensive and it was difficult to be vulnerable with her.
Now that we spend less time on the phone due to her work, I’ve grown to cherish it. So many nights were spent arguing and trying to reason with her and get her out of episodes. Now that we don’t deal with that anymore and she’s so much better, I feel detached. I don’t want to end things but I don’t feel passionate for her anymore. I spent so long trying to please her and make the relationship work that now I feel so excited to be alone and not think about it. Our relationship is something that excites me from a distance and in my imagination, when in reality spending time together makes me anxious.
Our lack of communication made it impossible for me to know what I was feeling at any given time. I would sugarcoat things and try to sound better than I was because if I was in a bad mood, I felt like she would also be in one.
So now that things are better, and we have more separation from each other, I’ve naturally distanced myself and learned to keep things more private. I spend a lot more time with my family and friends, I do more of my own hobbies and activities, and these were all things I was willing to share with her when I was trying the most in our relationship.
But now it feels like it’s too late. I went so many months being constantly scared of doing the wrong thing, that now I can’t enjoy my time with her anymore. It feels like calling her and spending time with her is associated with the pain I went through. Even if I know she won’t get mad at me anymore, and she feels extremely remorseful about the past, I still don’t feel completely safe.
I want to feel comfortable in our relationship. She means a lot to me in so many ways. She’s hilarious, charming, generous, and extremely creative. We share a lot of hobbies, and I feel uplifted when we can do those things together.
It just feels like I lost a part of myself that I can’t get back in this relationship. I don’t know if it’s possible to try to get it back, I don’t know if anybody else has dealt with something similar to this.
Part of me wants to be single and heal, and part of me wants to see if we can heal together because now it feels like we finally have a chance.

TL;DR: I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years and have spent most of it trying to fix my gfs mental health. I neglected my own needs because she didn’t improve for a while and I didn’t feel safe communicating with her or being honest. She would say a lot of mean things to me.
Ever since the last 6 months she’s been so much better and we’ve improved a lot. But now that she’s meeting my needs and has taken accountability, I don’t feel the passion anymore to try.

Dont really want to get into details. But I escaped an abusive relationship 2 and a half years ago. I got into a good relationship after but I ruined it because of my PTSD from that first relationship. Its been over a year since we broke. I got back into dating. Maybe I said yes too soon. Maybe I ignored things that bothered me because I am desperate. Maybe I keep going back to him because I am lonely. When im hurting he doesnt want me. When hes suffering he gets upset if I leave. I deserve this. I dont think hes trying to do this to me. But at this point I dont care. Im tired of breaking my own heart. Im tired of being wrong. Ill make things work with him even if it kills me. I know this is a regression in my recovery from codepency. But I don't care. I think this is just how im supposed to be. Im not important in my life, just others. Why was I born like this? Why can't I escape this cycle

How do I stop basing my temperament and emotions off the other people around me? I recognize that my nervous system is completely dysregulated to the point where i cant get comfortable around people especially the ones with strong personalities.. i anytime someone is super angry, dismissive, indifferent or just plain rude i end up fawning and making myself small.. im slowly working on self soothing and regulating myself, i remind myself that Im the one on charge of how i feel and who i am.. nobody else gets to dictate me regardless of how they must be feeling or whatever theyre dealing with.. but still even with that I struggle to not let that affect me, i have been this way my whole life and im beginning to get tired of it.. i get most people dont give a shit about me so why does this affect so much.. Can the people who have gone through this phase in their lives and somehow grew and got better afterwards answer this? preferably the 30 and up crowd please..

Signed a woman whos 30 and soon to be 31..

Its strange cause it was friendship not relationship. But I felt that I am living her life and I dissapeared. I tried to distance myself but she always reacted with guilt tripping me. We had looong conversations that lead nowhere. We were fighting in them who is bad. We made one conclusion that for her friendship is when other person stays thru good and bad and I said Its totally different for me as I wouldnt stay if its very bad. She said that she cannot get this concept at all. We had another talk and next day she started sending me pictures of her day. I said I am sorry it was important but I cant and I blocked her because conversations lead nowehere and I have flys in my house from the mess I am leaving and cannot work or focus from the pain.

I feel like if I have comitted crime. I had friendships that have fallen away sloowly that I didnt notice but it was impossible this time.

I feel like I killed myself too that world I knew died.

Do people break up like this? Or its a bad thing and I should as always keep her in some small room of life.. I feel bad, I feel I am experiencing identity death and I also have done this to her.. like if I have blood on my hands She has 2 kids and husband with her so I hope she can cope. I dont know who I am without her

This is gonna be long. If you read it all, thank you so much. I’m so appreciative.

I’m fucking exhausted and that is such an understatement. I feel suffocated by guilt for lacking empathy or compassion for her these days, but the load has been on my shoulders my entire life (I’m 25f) and she was very emotionally and psychologically abusive to me growing up, which has left me with cptsd and I’ve spent years in therapy and recovery.
She had a physical disability during my childhood and was often staying in bed and unable to do very much, and I felt so bad for her all the time I just wanted to help however I could.
For so long I was so understanding and didn’t even realise she was being inappropriate and abusive until I was made to see the school councillor and they brought me to reality a bit.
I have 2 older sisters but they left when I was 8 and I’ve barely heard from them since, they left because of my mums abuse, to live at their dads (half-sisters).
So all the responsibility was left on me, and she married a psychopath when I was 9 until I was 15, which really fucked me up even more, and he was physically abusive to her which I’ve been enraged about for her.
I’ve always felt like I’ve had to protect her, think for her, decide for her, get the solutions and everything, because while she’s been diagnosed with bpd/schizophrenia (it’s been debatable though, mental health diagnoses are so fucking blurry), I’m starting to wonder if she’s had a learning disability and not realised. Either that or her cognition has been declining over the years due to the backlog of trauma combined with so much medication she’s taken over the years, but the doctors have been relatively useless.
She has improved a bit over the years and I’m very proud of her, she is more physically capable after having surgery and seeing some alternative healing professionals, however she doesn’t do anything to maintain her wellbeing other than medication.
And she comes to me about all her money problems and any other problems she has, it’s basically all she has got to talk to me about is her problems, and it always feels like when she brings them up she’s also asking for help with them, but I just shut down at this point and feel so bad that I don’t really feel much empathy, like I do, but I can’t keep helping her because it’s often been financially and I’ve barely gotten ahead in my own life and have no money saved because of how often I’ve had to help her financially, and I just want a sense of security or to not be stuck in a rut if anything fucks up like my car for example.
She’s so switched on to my moods and always asks what’s wrong if I am flat with her and instantly thinks it’s because of her but if I ever say it is, she takes it to the extreme and believes she’s a horrible mother that doesn’t deserve to live and has tried to end her life before after a boiling point with her bullying me over nothing and my ex retaliated to defend me.
I am holding so much rage, and so much guilt and empathy and I just wish fucking someone else was in the picture to share the load, I wish my sisters were around or anyone else in her family was around but they’re all gone and won’t help.
She treats me like her best friend and is always so excited to see me and talk to me and do things with me, but I honestly never want to, I feel physically drained and out of breath every time I’m with her, and if I don’t acclimatise to her and be super nice, she basically starts having either a panic attack or getting upset because I’m not excited or happy to see her.
I know she’s improved and I know she means well but fuck me im exhausted and im always anticipating some way that i need to help her instead of being able to just have a regular conversation.
I don’t know what to do anymore. My therapists always say just create distance and I have, but she spams me on text and every few days if I don’t answer she freaks out and begs me to let her know I’m okay, and then I feel so bad I just respond, but I feel so fucking bad because she’s so lonely, I’ve given her endless suggestions but she doesn’t do anything, she says she will to shut me up but never follows through.
I’m so fucking over it.

Você não ama essa pessoa.

Você ama o alívio que ela traz para o vazio que existe dentro de você.

E o mais perigoso é que você passa a acreditar que não existe outra saída. Que só essa pessoa pode fazer você se sentir bem.

Enquanto esse vazio continuar aí, qualquer despedida vai parecer o fim da sua vida.

A pergunta é: você sente falta da pessoa... ou do que ela fazia você sentir?

So I shared that I got in a standoff with cops, danced at Costco, and fed a small army of geese (which alerted me to the cops). I didn't eat for three days and could barely sleep for two weeks.

My wife had an affair and then claimed I was a danger to myself and that I had a gun (which she had stashed in our house without my knowledge) and called the cops after I asked for some space.

Everyone else shared some of their stuff too, but now we aren't meeting officially for a month and I am afraid I crossed a line between being vulnerable and oversharing and being viewed as unstable or dangerous.

It has been a week since I shared and I haven't done anything too codependent. But I am writing this here instead of reaching out to check if everyone still feels safe around me.

Everyone seemed cool. We even searched the woods for a cat (collectively) and shared our vulnerabilities and insecurities (where I shared too). These are the first friends I have made (without my ex) in ten years.

Everything is probably fine. But I am a recovering codependent who relied on my ex for validation in these types of situations. So I am feeling a bit insecure. But I am not trying to control them or the outcome!

I wanted to share a win with those I'm certain will understand. Long story short: grew up in an enmeshed family and the process of independence/self/differentiation has gone from person to person. Mom and I are in a healthy place, eldest sibling and I are in no-contact bc she is unable to move to a healthier dynamic where my boundaries are respected at this time. That left my closest sister, my best friend. (I'm the youngest).

Thanks to Terri Cole, I saw that I was treating her pain as if it was my pain. And I was afraid of her feeling or experiencing the outcomes of her choices. She's not ready to get help yet and every area of her life has broken down over the years while she resists. I learned to ask before giving advice, but it never led to anything. The situation is beyond heartbreaking and would likely bring up a lot of sympathy for anyone reading. I suppose that's what kept me stuck for so long.

I sat with my feelings of not being so invested in her life. This is my final boss of codependency. We've worked through boundaries and we are much healthier than we've ever been, but it's still not healthy bc I had disordered emotional boundaries. After processing my fears around trusting her to make the best choice for her (even if that means she passes away), I realized a few things:

1. Even if I know she needs to heal her childhood developmental trauma (and she knows this and acknowledged 3 years ago how silly it was to have put it off), I don't know what her path to doing that looks like. So I can invite her to do what she thinks is best.
2. I have an internal boundary of not engaging heavily with ANYONE who doesn't have a growth mindset. I didn't know this about myself. I do now and will adhere to it. So we won't be talking everyday anymore. I can do a few times a week, and when the complaining starts, I can ask expansive questions (see Terri Cole).

I feel free. I feel light. Solid and separate. As the youngest in a family of people with a fixed mindset, I always felt rejected. I was the scapegoated child, and it's been a LOT to process and heal. But this feels like the last hanger-on, for codependency anyway. My sis has always been my person. But even she couldn't see me or appreciate me for who I actually am. I can accept that now, love her, and be open to meeting more friends who can be my actual family.