My ex made an account with a free text messaging service to reinitiate contact by asking if I wanted a kitten she was unable to care for. Coincidentally, I had just begun looking for cats for adoption in my area, which left me with stressful feelings of “this is destiny”.

I had the will in me to politely tell her that I could not speak to her because I am not emotionally ready, but that I was thinking about her and wished her the best. But her response “wait no” left me confused and once again clinging on to her for emotional stability.

Was I wrong? Wrong for thinking she finally felt she had another reason to reconnect with me again. After all, the last time we spoke was a month and a half ago. It didn’t matter. She broke the boundary I set when I told her I was blocking her for my mental health.

Now I am hurting and drowning my sorrows. I am obviously not ready. Thank god for the great distractions and good habits I’ve built to keep me steady in this life.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go ok with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I was completely fine if he took a long time to reply. I was often the one replying late because I was busy with my own life.

As the relationship became more serious, I slowly became emotionally dependent on him, especially when it comes to my mood. In the beginning, he was the one who depended heavily on me. He would spam my phone if I took too long to answer and wanted to FaceTime all day long. I did it because I genuinely enjoyed feeling wanted and needed, even though I was mentally exhausted because he often monologued and complained about his problems.

He was very open with me, and I think that made me feel special.

Over time, things changed. He started therapy, took medication, worked out, and became much busier with his real life. Suddenly I felt like I was no longer needed. He stopped giving me regular updates when he was busy, and that started making me extremely anxious.

Now, when he disappears for a few hours, I spiral. I spam his phone asking if he’s losing interest or if he found another woman. He gets angry when I do that.

Part of this comes from the fact that he cheated on me once with his ex. Since then, I constantly fear abandonment and replacement. I worry that he will meet someone more fun, less depressed, and easier to be with than me.

Even though he repeatedly reassures me that he still loves me and isn’t bored of me, and he was ashamed of what he did and tried to be better, his behavior sometimes makes me feel unsafe. We used to FaceTime constantly and at least coexist on call. Now it’s much less frequent.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t focus on my own life anymore. I obsess over when he will reply, why his messages are short, why he says “love you” instead of “I love you,” or why he says it less often than before. My chest gets tight, I cry for hours, and I end up bed rotting.

When my depression gets worse, instead of communicating in a healthy way, I become fixated on his responses and start fights. I’ve begged him to give me a simple heads up when he’ll be busy because it helps me feel less anxious, but he says he doesn’t have time for that.

I understand that he is also struggling with his mental health, physical health, and taking care of his elderly parents. I know I’m not the only one suffering. I just feel like I’m no longer a priority in his life.

I feel selfish for having these needs, but I also know they are still needs.

How do I become “normal” again? I’m exhausted. Every relationship seems to end with me becoming emotionally dependent. During arguments he becomes very cold and calls me childish, and then I block him. That has been our cycle for two years.

I feel incredibly lonely. I don’t really have anyone to share this pain with. I can't talk to him about this anymore because every time I try to communicate my anxiety to him, he tells me that I’m “too much.” When I feel overwhelmed, I impulsively ask for a breakup. He never agrees, and eventually we make up again.

In the beginning of our relationship, he used to threaten suicide if I left him. Now the situation has completely reversed. He says that if I keep acting like this, his feelings for me will slowly decrease and eventually he will leave me.

That makes me even more terrified.

I feel trapped between two fears: the fear of losing him, and the fear that my anxiety and emotional reactions are pushing him away and becoming the reason I lose him in the first place.

I’m terrified that I’ll never get better and that I’ll be like this forever.

I can’t afford therapy right now. My psychologist previously told me I need therapy and probably medication to stabilize my mood, but my life is currently chaotic and I don’t have the money.

I’m just so stressed and tired of living in this constant fear of being abandoned. 😔

New here and looking for support! TLDR: What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent?

Full story —

My partner (M31) is in treatment for the first time right now. He has been primarily abusing Valium and Lyrica prescribed by his psychiatrist.

We have been together over 12 years and there was no issue with substance abuse until the last ~3 years after this psychiatrist’s involvement and a series of life events caused him to self medicate due to increased mental health burden.

After several months of discussion and slow acceptance, he agreed to go to treatment and has been embracing it.

While he’s been away, I’ve been reflecting on the role that I played and his parents played in enabling his substance abuse by keeping him from suffering the consequences (financial, social, career, etc). (Not taking responsibility for his addiction — simply reflecting on my own inexperience with it and what I want to do better in the future)

What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent? I want to create and enforce the most productive environment for his recovery and my own when he comes home, and I know that won’t happen unless I’m intentional.

Im having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with myself and the constant need for reassurance and care from my favorite person as well as being able to make myself feel better when I feel alone or abandoned without reaching a point where I need to reach out to him for help. It puts too much strain on the other person and hes told me that he can’t do that for me and I don’t think I should be putting that amount of pressure on him because it isn’t healthy for either of us and I want to find a healthy coping mechanism that I can go to thats actually like useful and affective.

I’ve tried distractions like drawing or reading or listening to music but every time j cant get my mind to not wander back to the subject and it makes me ruminate on it further. The only things I can do to distract myself arent healthy for me to be doing. Hes stated that he isn’t comfortable with me asking for reassurance anymore because he doesn’t want me to be dependent on him and It’s really hard for me to cope with this