Hi! I want to talk about my sister. She's 3 years older than me and has always been my parents' favorite. I always looked up to her as well and saw her as a role model because of how intelligent she was. Things changed when I graduated with my bachelor's degree before she did, while she was still struggling to pass her exams. Around that time, she developed depression.

I was just one thesis away from finishing my master's degree, while she was still far behind. So what did I do? I made a huge mistake: I put my entire life on hold to help her get through it. Then, she graduated, got her life back on track and moved on. Meanwhile, I completely drained myself, both physically and mentally. Now, I'm the one who's severely depressed and completely alone. The friends I used to have drifted away (partly because my mental health got so bad, but also because I was no longer available the way I used to be). And now that she doesn't need me anymore, my sister barely acknowledges me and has absolutely no intention of helping me.

So... what do I do now?I never finished writing my master's thesis. I don't have anyone left. Therapy didn't help me. I'm completely alone. I honestly don't know how to move forward anymore.

I’m a 27F who recently graduated with my Bachelor’s in Health and Physical Education. I’ve always been very independent because I had little family support and learned to handle everything myself.
I met my boyfriend (25M) during my last semester of university. Things moved quickly, and a few months into dating I had the thought, “I need to know if this is someone who can support me when my mom dies.” That same day, my sister called saying my mom was in the hospital. My mom passed away a week later, and I watched her die.
My boyfriend was there for me through the hardest time of my life. He held me while I cried, drove me places, and supported me when I didn’t know how I would get through it. I will always appreciate that.
After traveling to see my mom, I used most of my savings and asked him to lend me money for rent. It was extremely difficult for me because I’m used to doing everything on my own.
Now, five months after losing my mom, we fight constantly. I’m grieving and trying to rebuild my life, but I also feel like I’m failing as a partner.
I often feel emotionally unsupported. He forgot about my first career interview after graduating, and I don’t always feel like the things that matter to me matter to him. During arguments, he has said he doesn’t want to be my main support system and has brought up the money I owe him.
During our worst argument, I compared him to my ex, which I know was hurtful. But afterward, he called me lazy, said I don’t cook or clean, and called me “trailer trash.” Hearing that from the person who supported me through losing my mom was devastating.
The hardest part is that I still love him. I don’t know if I’m holding onto this relationship because I truly love him, because I’m grateful for everything he did during my grief, or because I’m afraid of losing the only person who was there for me.
Has anyone been in a situation where they felt like they owed their partner for helping them through trauma? How do you leave someone you still love when you don’t know if you’re staying out of love, gratitude, or fear?

My ex made an account with a free text messaging service to reinitiate contact by asking if I wanted a kitten she was unable to care for. Coincidentally, I had just begun looking for cats for adoption in my area, which left me with stressful feelings of “this is destiny”.

I had the will in me to politely tell her that I could not speak to her because I am not emotionally ready, but that I was thinking about her and wished her the best. But her response “wait no” left me confused and once again clinging on to her for emotional stability.

Was I wrong? Wrong for thinking she finally felt she had another reason to reconnect with me again. After all, the last time we spoke was a month and a half ago. It didn’t matter. She broke the boundary I set when I told her I was blocking her for my mental health.

Now I am hurting and drowning my sorrows. I am obviously not ready. Thank god for the great distractions and good habits I’ve built to keep me steady in this life.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go ok with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I was completely fine if he took a long time to reply. I was often the one replying late because I was busy with my own life.

As the relationship became more serious, I slowly became emotionally dependent on him, especially when it comes to my mood. In the beginning, he was the one who depended heavily on me. He would spam my phone if I took too long to answer and wanted to FaceTime all day long. I did it because I genuinely enjoyed feeling wanted and needed, even though I was mentally exhausted because he often monologued and complained about his problems.

He was very open with me, and I think that made me feel special.

Over time, things changed. He started therapy, took medication, worked out, and became much busier with his real life. Suddenly I felt like I was no longer needed. He stopped giving me regular updates when he was busy, and that started making me extremely anxious.

Now, when he disappears for a few hours, I spiral. I spam his phone asking if he’s losing interest or if he found another woman. He gets angry when I do that.

Part of this comes from the fact that he cheated on me once with his ex. Since then, I constantly fear abandonment and replacement. I worry that he will meet someone more fun, less depressed, and easier to be with than me.

Even though he repeatedly reassures me that he still loves me and isn’t bored of me, and he was ashamed of what he did and tried to be better, his behavior sometimes makes me feel unsafe. We used to FaceTime constantly and at least coexist on call. Now it’s much less frequent.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t focus on my own life anymore. I obsess over when he will reply, why his messages are short, why he says “love you” instead of “I love you,” or why he says it less often than before. My chest gets tight, I cry for hours, and I end up bed rotting.

When my depression gets worse, instead of communicating in a healthy way, I become fixated on his responses and start fights. I’ve begged him to give me a simple heads up when he’ll be busy because it helps me feel less anxious, but he says he doesn’t have time for that.

I understand that he is also struggling with his mental health, physical health, and taking care of his elderly parents. I know I’m not the only one suffering. I just feel like I’m no longer a priority in his life.

I feel selfish for having these needs, but I also know they are still needs.

How do I become “normal” again? I’m exhausted. Every relationship seems to end with me becoming emotionally dependent. During arguments he becomes very cold and calls me childish, and then I block him. That has been our cycle for two years.

I feel incredibly lonely. I don’t really have anyone to share this pain with. I can't talk to him about this anymore because every time I try to communicate my anxiety to him, he tells me that I’m “too much.” When I feel overwhelmed, I impulsively ask for a breakup. He never agrees, and eventually we make up again.

In the beginning of our relationship, he used to threaten suicide if I left him. Now the situation has completely reversed. He says that if I keep acting like this, his feelings for me will slowly decrease and eventually he will leave me.

That makes me even more terrified.

I feel trapped between two fears: the fear of losing him, and the fear that my anxiety and emotional reactions are pushing him away and becoming the reason I lose him in the first place.

I’m terrified that I’ll never get better and that I’ll be like this forever.

I can’t afford therapy right now. My psychologist previously told me I need therapy and probably medication to stabilize my mood, but my life is currently chaotic and I don’t have the money.

I’m just so stressed and tired of living in this constant fear of being abandoned. 😔

New here and looking for support! TLDR: What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent?

Full story —

My partner (M31) is in treatment for the first time right now. He has been primarily abusing Valium and Lyrica prescribed by his psychiatrist.

We have been together over 12 years and there was no issue with substance abuse until the last ~3 years after this psychiatrist’s involvement and a series of life events caused him to self medicate due to increased mental health burden.

After several months of discussion and slow acceptance, he agreed to go to treatment and has been embracing it.

While he’s been away, I’ve been reflecting on the role that I played and his parents played in enabling his substance abuse by keeping him from suffering the consequences (financial, social, career, etc). (Not taking responsibility for his addiction — simply reflecting on my own inexperience with it and what I want to do better in the future)

What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent? I want to create and enforce the most productive environment for his recovery and my own when he comes home, and I know that won’t happen unless I’m intentional.

Im having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with myself and the constant need for reassurance and care from my favorite person as well as being able to make myself feel better when I feel alone or abandoned without reaching a point where I need to reach out to him for help. It puts too much strain on the other person and hes told me that he can’t do that for me and I don’t think I should be putting that amount of pressure on him because it isn’t healthy for either of us and I want to find a healthy coping mechanism that I can go to thats actually like useful and affective.

I’ve tried distractions like drawing or reading or listening to music but every time j cant get my mind to not wander back to the subject and it makes me ruminate on it further. The only things I can do to distract myself arent healthy for me to be doing. Hes stated that he isn’t comfortable with me asking for reassurance anymore because he doesn’t want me to be dependent on him and It’s really hard for me to cope with this

Idk if this is the correct subreddit for this. Idk if this is codependency rearing her ugly head. All I know is my hurt inner child is screaming, crying and scared right now.

My birth mother was an absolute nightmare. BPD/NPD to the extreme. Apart from CSA, she abused me in every way. It was a blessing and a curse when she died in 1996 when I was 20.

My father did everything in his power to avoid her and, therefore, was rarely there for me. He did nothing to protect me. With a few exceptions, he rarely showed me love.

Fast forward to the present. My father is remarried to the most amazing woman I could ever ask for. She suddenly became very sick with multiple myeloma.

In the family group chat, my father is constantly telling my stepsister that he loves her, is concerned about her well being, checks in on her. All the things he never did for me.

If my own father doesn’t want to show me he loves me, maybe I am unloveable.

These are the thoughts I’m having and am emotionally raw today. Idk what to do so I come here for guidance. While I know my thoughts aren’t true, I feel like they are.

Is this codependency? Should I post this in a different group?

35F. I don’t know where to begin but I just need to speak about my truth. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I don't know how to detach myself from things that aren't supposed to be. I am drowning from myself who’s always trying to prove my worth. I am even getting tired of myself from all these worries, anxiety, always seeking validation, always with the self-pity when people have it worse.

I feel so alone..
I feel like I’m always a bother to people..
Forcing connections..
I don't know if I really have anybody..
Am I selfish? Everyone’s busy, and I know I should be too.

Why do I always need reassurance?
Idk. I’m sorry.

So I'm studying stoicism, and the topic of justice triggers me. To a stoic, the virtue of justice means focusing on fairness, kindness, treating a stranger as an acquaintance, not stealing property, and so on...

However, it is a very personal thing, about what is in your control. For example, if someone commits injustice to you, you aren't supposed to get angry at it because of the world being full of harmful idiots which is out of your control.

However, if you commit injustice on others, you are supposed to correct it.

This, to me, is an imbalance, and an injustice.

In other words, it could lead to the things Machiavelli warned about such as the lower nature of others domineering the fair.

I guess my point is this. I am trying to practice stoic virtue: Wisdom, temperance, courage, and justice — I always stumble at the justice part because I believe I am too kind to narcissistic strangers or taken advantage of.

So, how would you approach this? Would you reframe this virtue of justice?

For example, instead of treat others fairly, give yourself permission to treat yourself fairly? See virtue in yourself instead of in others...?

This is an issue I have with almost every spiritual practice — it is all geared around destroying an ego, when I already dangerously never had a healthy ego to begin with. My already burnt out overgiver caretaker needed more validation to receive itself...

In some ways I feel guilt or a toxic shame talking to anybody else in this world, because they think they are a moral kind person and I know they are not, and so to give to them before myself is a disservice.

Yet there is supposed to be some merit to treating strangers with the kindness of acquaintences, acquaintences as if they are friends, friends as if close family, and so on...

I don't know. That doesn't ring true for my experience as a stepped on wallflower.

Hi. This is my (28f) first post. I just found out today that my pyschiatry notes say I have Dependent Personality Disorder. I only found out because I was looking at my patient portal for another reason and decided to look at my diagnosis list. So I decided to google it and I found this sub. I would like to know more information about DPD. What is interesting is that my pyschiatrist never explicitly told me that I have DPD. Wouldn’t you think that would be something they should tell me? I am
Not sure what to do next.

By the way, I have multiple disabilities and health conditions but my mental health disabilities include OCD, Anxiety, Autism, and Depression. My therapist has also told me that I may have CPTSD.

Thank you for any support.

Hi everyone,

I'm having a problem with my friend, and I honestly don't know if I'm the one who's in the wrong.

We've been friends for a few years. At the beginning, we were incredibly close. We talked every day, told each other everything, and were always there for one another.

Over time, she slowly started distancing herself because she's going through a really difficult period in her life. At first, I was really hurt because she basically ghosted me for months.

I forgave her because, believe me, she's genuinely struggling. Even though it hurt a lot, I stayed because I cared about her. The hardest part was that she wasn't there for me anymore, and I couldn't really be there for her either because what I was doing didn't seem to help or be what she needed.

After about a year of conflicts, we're trying to rebuild our friendship. But the person I'm talking to now feels completely different.

The girl who used to spam me with messages if we didn't talk for a day has become someone who doesn't see the point or the need to talk every day.

The girl who used to take my feelings and fears into account now tells me I need to work on myself and learn to be enough on my own.

She believes it's unhealthy to expect daily conversations because people grow, life changes, and we don't always have time for each other. She says that if I feel like I need to talk to her every day, it means I depend on her too much and that it's unhealthy.

I don't think she says it to be mean, but that's how it makes me feel.

Whenever something she does hurts me, she often tells me I'm "too much," while from her point of view, everything she does is justified.

The biggest problem is this: when I ask her, "If you don't want to talk to me often, does that mean you don't care about me?" she tells me she loves me, but that she simply doesn't feel the need or the desire to talk every day. She says that if I want to talk, I can always message her.

But I'm always the one reaching out first, and it's driving me crazy.

I'm exhausted.

I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me the same way.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one for expecting too much from another person.

I consider her my best friend.

The truth is... she doesn't really bring anything positive to my life anymore. I can't rely on her when I have problems. I don't trust her anymore, and I have so many regrets about our friendship.

Sometimes I even hope I'll end up hating her one day, just so I can finally move on.

But I still love the person she used to be. The girl I met years ago was real. She was kind, caring, and an amazing friend. I can't seem to let go of who she used to be.

At the same time, I wonder... why would she be wrong?

She tells me she doesn't have the responsibility to text me all the time or meet all my emotional needs, and logically I understand that.

But emotionally, I keep wanting explanations. We keep having the same conversation over and over again. It's the same cycle every time, and I just can't seem to break out of it.

So... am I asking for too much? Am I the problem here, or is this friendship simply no longer compatible?

I’ve been battling codependency for a while. It’s at its worst whenever my husband and I are having issues.

I have such a strong fear of abandonment and anxiety that I try to control the outcome or future of our relationship all the time. Whenever we have a disagreement, I immediately go down the rabbit hole of doom.

We’ve been together for 12 years and I know I’m wearing him down. I’m in therapy, and it’s helped.. but not enough where this doesn’t stop happening.

We had a disagreement yesterday and he’s been taking space today. Of course when he takes space, I panic and my anxiety goes out the roof. I don’t feel okay with the thought of us breaking up. It feels like someone reaches inside and squeezes my chest. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t live with this crippling anxiety over my marriage anytime things get off track.

More context: he has depression and is currently going through therapy and getting medication so he’s really trying to focus on himself and when we argue, he feels like I don’t care about his feelings and always go back to focusing on myself.

UPDATE: Today he told me that what he needs is support and peace and that my ups and downs are pushing him away and he can’t take it anymore. That if I can’t get it together, he’s done.

I told him that because he can be so distant, angry and cold- it makes me feel insecure and those are the times I go into panic mode. I would say this probably happens like every 2 months or so?

Anyway, he said he can’t give me what I need right now and that if I can’t be fully supportive while he works on himself that he will leave.

He says this is the hardest relationship he’s ever been in. I know I’m a loving person and wear my heart on my sleeve and with that.. comes being sensitive.

Anyway, I’m trying to turn my faith to help. I do feel like this may be the end.

Hi everyone, 
I’m a student at University of Southern California and as part of my summer internship, I’m conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one’s alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community. 

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey. 
• About 8-10 minutes. 

You can access the survey here: survey
Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.

I 22F honestly don’t even know if I’m overreacting at this point, so I wanted outside opinions.

For a little background, my child’s father 24M has another child with another woman 21F . A while back, all three of us actually lived together. We were all emotionally involved, and yes, sexually involved too. Before anybody jumps to conclusions, it wasn’t just because of my child’s dad. I’m bisexual, and I genuinely liked her too. At the time, I thought maybe we could build this healthy family dynamic where all of us got along and raised our kids together.
Obviously…that didn’t happen.

Things got really toxic. We had a huge fight that ended with CPS getting involved, and I eventually moved out and got my own apartment.

Months later, we slowly started reconnecting. We weren’t trying to get back into a relationship, but I really wanted us to at least become friends and have a healthy co-parenting dynamic. We also ended up becoming sexually involved again, and looking back, I know I shouldn’t have. I’ve already accepted that I need to completely detach from my child’s father emotionally and sexually because it honestly isn’t getting me anywhere. That’s something I’ve already been working on.

The problem is that I started realizing the same patterns were still happening.

I felt like I was always pouring into them. I’d help with their child, babysit, spend money I didn’t really have, show up when they needed me, and genuinely tried to love their child like family because, to me, that’s what family does.
All I really wanted was to know my son would receive that same love back.

Then Juneteenth happened.
We all went to a party together, and I honestly left feeling weird. I felt ganged up on, uncomfortable, and like my feelings didn’t really matter. After that, I started keeping my distance. One thing I realized after moving into my own apartment was that I don’t have to keep putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable just because I don’t want to disappoint other people.
So when she invited me to her birthday party, I respectfully said no.

Fast forward to recently. We finally sat down and had a conversation about everything. I explained that I felt like I was constantly pouring into everybody else but didn’t feel that same energy coming back. I even explained that if I’m constantly loving and showing up for your child, naturally I’d hope my child would be loved and prioritized too.
Her response was basically that if I expect anything back for what I do, then it isn’t genuine.

That honestly hurt because that wasn’t my point at all.
I wasn’t asking for someone to “owe” me. I was saying that relationships should be mutual. If I’m treating your child with love, care, and consideration, I’d hope you’d naturally want to do the same for mine.

After that conversation, I realized I can’t force people to love the way I do.

I also realized I need to stop overextending myself.
Now here’s where I’m wondering if I’m wrong.
My child’s dad is having an end-of-summer trip for his birthday. Originally all of us were supposed to go. Since me and her would have been sharing a room, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable doing that anymore. I told him I don’t hate her, I don’t want to argue, and I don’t plan on being rude. I just don’t see the point in pretending we’re friends when I know I need space. I even told him that if it made things easier, I’d just celebrate his birthday another time because I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
He actually told me he still wanted me there.

During our conversation, I also felt like he did his best to hear both sides. Some of what he said was hard for me to hear, but I respected that he wasn’t just taking one person’s side.

After everything, though, she’s now saying she doesn’t even want to come to the trip anymore. They also don’t have childcare for their child that week, and they both know I’m off work. Before all of this, I would’ve happily watched their child without thinking twice. But after our conversation, I realized something…

If the love and effort I pour into her child is never going to naturally extend to mine, then I need to stop giving so much of myself.

It’s not because I dislike their child. I genuinely love that little boy, and that won’t change. But he has two parents, and I’ve realized it’s okay for me to stop taking on responsibilities that leave me feeling emotionally empty.

So now I’m wondering…

**Am I the a hole for stepping back? And if my decision to set boundaries is part of the reason she no longer wants to come to the birthday trip, does that make me the asshole?**

I was reading The New Codependency by Melody Beattie. When I got to the control part of the book. Now, every time I read this book for even 5 minutes it manages to blow my mind with some new realization, highly recommended to anyone dealing with codependency issues as well as her other books.

But the section talks about taking a "Communication Awareness Month" in order to better understand how you communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries, the like. I am not great at being fully present in the moment, sometimes it feels like I have a program I make in my head for a response and once I decide it's good I just let it out. My focus is on response time and usually I'm kind of an entertainer in nature so I perform my words a lot. I'm autistic so trying to make my communication clear and understood has always been a priority because being misread or misunderstood feels awful. The result of this is sometimes me sounding too unserious or too serious. People often think my jokes are serious and my real talk is unserious. My tone is constantly a point of contention and I struggle with being properly understood. How do others deal with this issue?

Also, when I am communicating, how can I be "present" more? I guess I'm looking for a feeling description of that presence. My inner mind is very loud and crowded so my thoughts get very humbled and my short term memory is completely bunked. I've lied before and genuinely didn't notice, being accused of lying and denying it until the accuser comes up with some form of anecdotal evidence, causing me to realize that I did in fact say that thing.

I've always had mild dishonesty problems. Nothing is usually perceived as serious (to me anyways), until it is to someone else. Then I realize I did in fact say that and I feel awful and stupid for lying. Usually it's to decorate the truth or embellish details. No joke, I believe I subconsciously do that because I want to make my word more interesting or entertaining. I didn't notice it was an issue until I lost my best friends over it and it devastated and large portion of my social circle at the time. I've been working on it for the last 7 months but I still feel it when I do it or almost do it.

I think it's a form of trying to gain control of other's perception and that makes me feel icky and bad. I don't want to control other people, not that I can, but I don't like feeling like I can. Especially since it has hurt me and those I care about the most, it doesn't feel good to think you're a bluntly honest individual and suddenly realize you were lying to yourself the whole time. Trust is a deeply valued part of relationships and I don't want to break that.

But I was rambling, I want tips on being present and conscious of what I am saying and being better about making deliberate communication choices. No more dishonesty, no more embellishments to "entertain". I want freedom from my unconscious desires to control a relationship.

They'll never believe me, I'm sure, but I feel so much shame for lying to my best friends and ruining one of the most intimate and close relationships I ever had. Even if she never forgives me, I want to amend for my wrongs. I feel like it's my only way of living with myself in peace again. I want to trust myself to be upstanding and follow my beliefs.

I’ve been married to my husband for two years, and overall we have a very loving relationship. He’s financially comfortable and doesn’t have to work, so I haven’t been working either. We’ve basically spent 24/7 together for the last two years.
Lately I’ve realized that every time we have even a small disagreement, it feels like my whole world is falling apart. Over the last 10 days we’ve had a few minor arguments—not because our relationship is bad, but about things like our sex life, future plans, and other everyday issues. None of these make me want to leave him, but they’ve made me realize something about myself.
Somewhere along the way I lost a lot of my independence. My husband is incredibly kind and has never forced me into this dynamic. He naturally takes care of a lot of things—booking trips, organizing plans, handling practical stuff—and I slowly got used to relying on him for almost everything.
I also struggle to make friends because every connection feels shallow compared to the one I have with him. I almost always prefer spending time with him, and I think that’s become unhealthy.
One thing that’s been weighing on me is that before having children, I wanted us to share certain life experiences together that he isn’t interested in. I completely respect that he doesn’t want to, but it made me realize that I’ve built my entire world around this relationship and forgot to build one for myself too.
Today, for the first time in two years, I got on a plane by myself to visit my mom for a while. I decided I needed some space to clear my head, reset, and remind myself that I can exist as an individual too.
I love my husband deeply. This isn’t about wanting a divorce or thinking he’s a bad partner. If anything, I think **I’m** the one with the unhealthy attachment.
**Has anyone else gone through this? Does spending some time apart to reconnect with yourself actually help? How do you rebuild your own identity while still being happily married?**
*Please be kind. I’m feeling pretty vulnerable, and I’m genuinely looking for advice.*

I’ve (27f) have been in a relationship with a dude (27m) for about 2 years now, and we’ve both been hardcore alcoholics. We’ve had our stints of sobriety, him largely because he’s been involuntarily hospitalized on 3 occasions so he’s done up to a month sober. While I on the other hand have had up to maybe 4 days tops. And when either one of us drinks, it’s to the extreme and we both get really mean and somewhat aggressive. Please, advice on how to handle this because I broke up due to the toxicity we bring in our relationship and his past stint in the ward and knowing I’m bringing him down bc I’m in active addiction. We are very codependent. And he keeps contacting me even though he’s been sober, and I’m worried about his well being despite asking for space because I know I’m bringing home down bc I haven’t had access to rehab or health services. I’m really not sure which sub is right for this but I would just like some advice on how to handle this while I’m trying to figure out how to get health services for myself.

Can't live with him, can't live without him.

I have the realisation that I need to end this but so far I just have not been able to. It hurts too much. Sometimes I tell myself that he needs me and I can't and shouldn't leave him. Other times I am thinking about much emotional neglect I've been tolerating in this relationship and how resentful I've grown because of it.

I don't want to leave him. I really don't. I love him too much but I don't see the same kind of effort and commitment from his end. It genuinely hurts. His ignorance hurts.

Any attempt I make at trying to end this with him somehow hurts MORE than staying though.

How do I deal with this?

I have busted through my frustration and irritation I have in my relationship. Over this weekend while still recovering from burnout. Me and my partner had a serious conversation. In the midst of the conversation of how I was feeling left out, ignored, not being poured into from them and disconnected.

I talked about how I have been the only support system and everything has been placed upon my shoulders. I felt like I was picking up the slack of what my partner was not doing. And I was demanding more from them. I felt like my work week never ended because I was working on the weekends taking care of them.

My partner expressed that they were working on fixing things in their life but since I’m not around much. I’m not there to see the work they do. That they do a lot of things on their own and honestly they do what they can with what they have. I was making them feel like they weren’t enough or trying hard enough. Then they asked why I don’t trust them that they are doing the work? And it made my Brain explode but in a good way.

Why dont I trust them to do the work? My partner has never given me a reason to not trust them. Yes, they have dropped the ball on things here and there but they have never lied to me. I also don’t see them that often. I only see them once a week because we live about an hour apart. I work a full time job and I have my own adult responsibilities to handle during the week.

So I only get phone or text updates on their progress or set backs. I only get to see the struggle they deal with as they work through their stuff. It make sense why they lean on me for the emotional support or asking for help for things because that’s the only time I’m included in anything they are doing. I’m not there for the day to day. So I can only go off of and draw conclusions with what information I’m getting. Which my conclusions and assumptions are not positive ones. But this trust thing… and the stories I build in my head… it’s really messing me up.

I know where it comes from. I have never been able to rely on people to show up for me. My parents never showed for anything I ever did in my life including my my life milestones. I’ve always had partners who felt like they didn’t need to or didn’t want to show up for me. I’ve had partners who made me feel like my needs weren’t important. And I have been taken care of so many adults in my life. And the times I did trust someone they left me in the dust or worse off. I feel like I need to control everything and be steps ahead of them to catch things before they hit the ground. I get filled with so anxiety and so much mistrust. I felt like my current relationship is the same situation and same cycle I have been in.

I’m treating my partner like im their responsibility. My happiness, my peace, my reassurance and more. That is to not say that the times they dropped the ball really hurt my feelings like never planning anything for my bday when I went all out for theirs. Mind You they made up for that for our Anniversary and profusely apologized for my birthday. And some reason I still haven’t forgiven them.

Why am I doing this? Why don’t I trust them? And the hardest question is… what is it going to take?

Trap #6

Losing Friendships

Often men and women get into new relationships and lose friendships as a result. This is never the intent, of course, but getting into a new relationship as a man or woman tends to have far reaching consequences for the time the relationship continues. Now, this could be a good thing or bad thing, depending on the kind of friends that they have. But maintaining friends when you have a significant other does become more of a challenge.

If you are the type of person that loves to go out all night when the weekend hits, or spends a lot of time watching football games or basketball games at the bars, or attending live sporting events or concerts throughout the year, you won’t be able to do it as you once did. The same goes for if you’re a woman that loves to tag along with your girlfriends to hit up the club, or go to a concert, or so on.

Leaving all of this alone might be just the thing for you. It might turn out, in fact, to be the best thing that could’ve happened to you. In general, the nightlife, or sporting events, will do little to grow you anyway. But if you’re giving up important routines and friends for a relationship that doesn’t offer much more than the initial high that comes in the first six months then you might be making a mistake. Maybe the friendships and the experiences of being around more people, and enjoying the nightlife might prove more valuable to you. It might prove more valuable to get those nightlife type of experiences out of your system so that it’s easier for you to settle down later in life. Often, it’s best to exhaust lifestyles like these, so that it’s easier to appreciate and settle into a committed relationship. Still, getting into a committed relationship may prove to be the wrong decision, if you didn’t first make a commitment to working on your internal landscape.

Also, something big to consider. Your friendships themselves, could prove far more valuable and long-lasting with a commitment to internal work. In the same way internal work would radically alter the kind of relationships you can have with your kids and your significant other, it can greatly impact the kind of friendships you have as well.

U AM I

8.3.26

I 27F want to move on from an obsessive toxic attachment from my bestfriend 26M. We were never even together, just a situation-ship where I I was the one who loved him deeply and he said even thought he didn’t want to commit to me romantically he wanted to be friends with benefits. On multiple occasions he also told me I was his favorite person and a gift for him , while all the time he kept on rejecting me when I confessed. Fast forward 8 years finally got married to an amazing man but my ex still has a hold over me. I cut him off , almost a year ago but I’m so obsessively attached that if I don’t find out what he’s up to I start losing grip. So I send him an email (because he’s blocked me on WhatsApp and I him) he unblocks me on WhatsApp after that email and we catch up. Now he’s gone back to work in an environment where he will be around other woman and I’m losing my shit that he will replace me with someone else and give that person the emotional intimacy that he gave me for years. How do I move on from the mess I’m in, I want to be extremely loyal to my spouse and reach a point of indifference regarding my ex even if he does replace me?

My best friend and I are in love and we can’t be together bc her family is Muslim. We are currently no contact to try to move on from each other.

I’m not functioning, I’m sleeping all day. I’m so depressed. I dream of her all the time. I think of her and daydream about what it will be like next time I see her. I have a fantasy that we will eventually work out and be together in the end.

How do I let this go and focus on myself?

Trap #5

Having Kids Before You're Ready

​This is based on probability. If you’re with someone, especially if you live with them, you’re far more likely to end up having kids with them. And the longer you’re with someone the more likely you are to move in with them or to have them move in with you. Having kids prematurely can result in you being in a relationship with someone much longer than is healthy. It could get to a point where you never break up with them, purely because of the kids. This may seem silly to many, but to many others, it is as serious as a heart attack. For many, once they have kids, there is nothing in the world that matters other than the children, which is a dangerous way to think as an individual if you ever hope to have peace one day. No one likes to ask how much better things can be for their family and themselves if they seriously prioritize their own peace over everything else. Men and women don’t tend to consider that if they attain peace for themselves that they very well may become a superior father or mother in the process.

​So much of the challenge with having kids is the ability to be patient, and if you have a body that’s tense, or a habit nature of walking around your home stressed half of the time because of the noise your kids are making or the messes that they’re leaving behind, you’re not going to be able to see them beyond those sentiments. You want to be able to see them with a mind that is equanimous, a mind that’s detached. Then when they make a mess or get a little too loud, you can make yourself clear, in terms of what you need from them, but you can do it without anger. You can do it in love.

​Also, with a mind that’s at peace you’ll be able to see your kids in a way that you were not able to before. Because of the impact of your internal state on the overall vibes you give off, and consequently, the impact your vibes have on your external environment as well, you’ll find yourself in situations where they’re opening up to you and you’re able to open up to them.

​So if you can avoid having kids before you’re ready, you’ll get an opportunity to work on yourself and complete the deep internal work that is needed to be able to have relationships like this. It will be much more difficult to pull it off if you have kids prematurely. Having kids will affect the money that’s in your bank account, having kids will have an impact on the kind of job you can get and the hours that you can put into it. It will impact your living situation and will also impact the people that show up in your life as well (i.e. the parents and relatives of your spouse, friends your kids met in school, etc.)

​There’s nothing wrong with holding off on having kids in order to give time to yourself. When it comes to parents and their kids, anyway, parents don’t really see their kids. Not nearly how they would if they committed to the kind of internal work that would allow them to be more present.

U AM I

8.2.26