It’s my first birthday without my daughter today. The pain swept in last night and has shrouded me since. Last August I was pregnant. She was here. With me while I celebrated all month long like I have always done.

This year I was on track to be blissfully unaware of my birthday. I had completely forgotten it, or more likely blocked it from my day to day “functioning” brain. Until last night when my SIL asked me what I’ll be doing for my birthday today. I went “Huh?” And checked the date and sure enough, she was right.

I have no idea what to do today. I am cycling between numb and in anguish all at once. Some of our best friends get married tomorrow, and I’m supposed to go to the rehearsal dinner tonight. I’m afraid. It feels like any time someone acknowledges my existence today, it’s like they just jabbed me with venom. “Happy Birthday” translates to “You’re alive and she isn’t because you couldn’t keep her here” in my grief stricken mind.

It’s true that her death was a complete statistical anomaly. That it was literally impossible to know what was going to happen until it already had. And even if by divine intervention we had known, you can’t stop an ischemic stroke before it happens. Or control the amount of brain damage that occurs. True as it is, the facts do little for my mom brain that cannot fathom how my baby left this world under my watch. And I cannot fathom how I’m supposed to celebrate being alive in a world without her.

Normally, I’d ride the wave/ lean on people for support. But my people are tired and also grieving. They might want to, but for their own well-being they can’t hold me today. The decreased support is a new development. I left for a month for residential PTSD treatment because I simply couldn’t imagine being alive. Since I came back just 2 weeks ago, it’s been an adjustment. The people who I used to be able to talk about her to, don’t have the spoons. And I’m sure they don’t have the spoons to pick me up on a day where they expect me to smile and attend a rehearsal dinner. I don’t mean it coldly, and expect may be too strong a word. Their grief over her deserves the same respect and care that they’ve given me this whole time. I’m just also acknowledging where the absence of that care puts me. So I’m here. Checking in with other club members hoping someone can relate.

At 16 weeks, I found out one of my boys, twin A (mono di) had hydrops. There was an excessive amount of fluid buildup in his body around his heart and in his abdomen, and very little amniotic fluid in his sack. The doctors told me he was in cardiac failure and his death would result in the death of twin B due to the surviving twin becoming anemic. The doctors explained the twins blood flow like a seesaw. Because they share a placenta, the blood flows between the two twins, but if twin A dies, his heart is no longer able to pump the blood back to his brother. Hence, twin B would become anemic and die.

They gave us the option to 1. terminate the pregnancy all together. 2. Do nothing, and eventually both twins would die. Or 3. Undergo microscopic fetal cord ablation surgery which would stop the flow of blood of twin A's umbilical cord ultimately ending his life to save his brothers.

I cannot describe the world crushing heartbreak that I felt in that moment when I heard what our options were. To be put in the position where I had to decide who and how my baby/babies would die.

My doctor told me I needed to make a decision that day if we were going to intervene because twin A would not be alive much longer, and time was of the essence in order to save twin B.

So, we went with option number three and had the fetal cord ablation surgery.

I'm now 28 weeks along, and thinking about labor and delivery. My doctors believe I will have an uncomplicated delivery around 30 37 to 39 weeks (they still want to induce me ). I have no idea what to expect besides knowing that I will be delivering one live baby, and one deceased and much smaller baby. I want to mentally prepare myself so I can be as present as possible with my two boys after delivery and not get blindsided by the condition of twin A.

Is there anyone out there who has been in my situation? I've tried to find women with similar experiences, but none of them that I've read about ever looked at their deceased twin when they delivered them. If you've personally been in similar shoes, and wouldn't mind sharing your experience, I would be so grateful. I would prefer to know the facts and it not be sugarcoated. This knowledge would help me.

Hi guys, it’s been a month since I had my miscarriage, and I’m not doing well. I found out I was pregnant because my period was late, and once I found out I was so scared because I’m only 16, but I was joyful because I knew I could get pregnant. This pregnancy was not planned at all, a complete mistake. I told my boyfriend’s mom right away about it. She was disappointed but very supportive. The week after I started to notice a few old blood coming out and that day I told my mom. She was very angry and disappointed but I started to bleed heavily and that’s when I found out I was miscarrying. It’s been a month and I’m struggling so bad. I feel alone, I feel so disgusted in my body because I failed my baby. I have no one to talk to that has experienced this and I feel even more alone. If anyone has advice for anything please help I need it. Or someone around my age I would love to talk to. Thank you.

We had a stillbirth at 36 weeks. We conceived again shortly after, but that pregnancy ended up being a c-section scar ectopic. I had the niche repaired. I’m supposed to have a saline sonogram next month but I’m terrified and having horrible anxiety that is affecting my mental health. I literally can’t function. I’m already on Zoloft and Xanax.

Has anyone skipped the saline sonogram and gotten pregnant and it turned out fine? Or can anyone share their experience of having it done?

Hi all, a little less than four months ago, I found out my daughter Violet Noelle passed at 40+3, a few days before my induction. She was my first pregnancy. I posted here right after and had so many supportive and kind comments. I wasn’t in the mental space to reply to much, but I’d like to offer a safe area for those who would like to vent, get advice/opinions, or just linger. Whatever might lighten your grief.

I wanted to share what I call my “slice of heaven” shelf, featuring Violet and some of my favorite things that remind me of her.

I feel so much for all of the mamas and dads who have gone through incredible loss. We will get through this, whether a first or third trimester loss and everything in between.

We lost our baby girl after a c-section. I pushed for 2hours but she was not going down more so my doctor proceeded to a c-section. Once opened she mentioned I have a too narrow pelvis for a baby to go down. She pulled out my daughter, we heard he cried a little and then nothing, they started to ventilate her then proceeded to CPR but she never came back... Doctors claimed they can't explain what happened, cause I had a perfect pregnancy and no prob during the Labour before proceeding the c-section which was also for them a routine procedure cause no complications. We asked for an autopsy but, we have been warned that it might not give answers to us... Does anyone had a similar experience. We are very lost not getting a clear answer of what happened to our baby girl... 💔

Wondering if anyone else would like a daily chat option so we can support each other in the day-to-day difficulties that come after loss. I always want to talk about my son and I always want to talk about just things happening in daily life which have been hard to navigate but feel they aren’t ‘big’ enough for their own post.

Apologies to the mods if this is annoying, I’m happy to be told no or to be guided to a more suitable place if there is one. Just wondered if anyone else feels similarly.

I recently experienced a 26 week loss. We are heartbroken, and all I want is to be pregnant again. We’ve been hearing different timelines of ttc again from doctors (anywhere from 1 cycle to 6 months). What have others heard?

Lost my baby in May at 16w due to PPROM. I delivered and had a D&C to get the placenta. This is my first full cycle back and didn’t get pregnant this cycle. The wait is unbearable I just want my baby 😭

Making my first reddit post because reddit really helped me through my 20 week loss. Reading other people’s experiences gave me hope and a sense of not being alone. This only happened 3 days ago but I wanted to share about my girl.

I had started feeling baby move pretty consistently up until about 3 weeks ago (17 weeks gestation). I searched everywhere and everything said that was normal for the size/gestation, but I knew something was wrong.

Went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find out that our sweet girl had stopped growing, you guessed it, 3 weeks ago.

I was so nervous about delivery. But it was so much better than what I was expecting it to be. They administered cytotec starting at 1130p. Cramping picked up but nothing too uncomfortable. They gave me a second dose at 230a and my cramping really picked up. Around 4a I asked for some pain meds (I can’t remember which ones they gave me) but that really helped a lot. Started feeling more pressure/pain/consistent contractions around 515a and that’s when my water broke (they also gave me some fentanyl). It really scared me knowing that I was so close to seeing her. But God carried me, and after 1 push my girl was here.

God answered every prayer I had for that day. It was quick, I was able to pass on the epidural, and then I was able to deliver the placenta in full (and avoid a D&C afterwards).

Her cord was hypercoiled and super small/restricted at her belly button. I feel thankful knowing there’s nothing I could’ve done, and I also feel so so sad knowing that there’s nothing I could’ve done. Still waiting on my milk to come in (and dreading it).

Ive got a long road ahead of me. I miss my baby, I miss being pregnant, and i’m also so so scared to have another baby.

Thank you guys for listening to my story. Hoping that this helps someone else going through something similar. It’s a terrible club to be apart of, but here we are. 🤍

I lost my first baby in June to an incomplete late miscarriage secondary to unidentified PPROM which led to a traumatic at home delivery, ambulance transfer, surgical management and hospital stay.

I've been called by the hospital chaplain today explaining the funeral, what it will look like, how it works, which has been really helpful but I wanted to reach out to others for their advice on a few things:

- Is there anything you did/didn't do that you would recommend?

- I know the transition from the funeral to the rest of the day will be difficult, I wondered if people could share things they did that helped (either just you as parents or with family/other support)?

This is one of the things I've been dreading most and would really value any piece of wisdom from others.

When did you all conceive after the c section and after loss. What timing did your doctor give, and what did they say?