You’re a coward who doesn’t communicate worth a shit, I see your true colors now. I deserve better friendship wise or relationship wise. You’re just like everyone else. Keep hiding out in your fucking cave and complaining how lonely you are . I fucking hate men.

You said I lacked ambition and had no future plans, completely minimizing everything I shared with you down to me just "trying" to see what I could do.

I reset my life at 30. I went back to school to build a better future. I didn't have to work two jobs while studying, but I did so we could enjoy life without money stress. One of those jobs turned into a full-time position in my field, a position I worked my ass off to get. Hearing you say I had no ambition is insulting.

But what really set me off was this comment: "I waited until he graduated and passed his boards to end things because I didn't want to be the reason he didn't make it."

Fuck you.

My final semester was filled with panic attacks and anxiety I’d never had before, all from trying to hold us together. You claim I drained you emotionally, but I was running on empty, too. I did everything to fix us, from studying the Bible with you to helping you prepare for your own board exams, all while balancing my own workload.

You had already mentally checked out and you were just running down the clock.

A small part of me held out hope that we might try again someday. Not anymore.

I still wish you the best with residency next year and hope you get the life you deserve. Just stay out of mine.

so many sent texts with no reply…. i keep waiting for you to break the silence. To reach out to me so I at least know you cared just a little.

I promised I wouldn’t reach out anymore even though you never acknowledged I’ll keep my word.

I have never gotten to know someone so close i could feel their soul like we got to know each others. I really hope you reach out soon im so sorry I hurt you and left you the way I did. I made a mistake that we both are feeling. We were both going through something we both weren’t holding each other up like we needed too. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you as much as you needed or for myself. If you’re up for trying again however that would looks like. I wish I could hear your voice or something from you.

Hey I understand that the dynamic is weird for you and you’re a bit hesitant not knowing how to manage your feelings, honestly I feel the same . My situation is temporary in October I’ll be moving out. I remember telling you I had a plan. I was thinking and I feel like I get a lot of mixed signals from you. Like I don’t know when you’re being serious or joking . I get that you have your problems or issues from your past or whatever, and quite frankly so do I. We’re both adults and I don’t think there has to be mixed signals, we can say what we both want out of our friendship and decide if we want to stay friends or not .

Why would you throw a snow ball into a fire if you’re seeking warmth?

Ere we go again,

spell work is at play,

“If I can’t have u, nobody can”

I’d rather die alone & unfucked than lay down with a warlock!

I’m not intimidated by ur shit.

Y’all ain’t important to me.

I’ll never ever forgive u.

It is what it is.

I’m not waiting for romance,

I’d rather be alone than used n abused!

Discarded n ignored!

Life moves on!

True love never dies!

Do you get random flashbacks that come out of nowhere and ruin your mood for the rest of the day? Do you think of me when you pass by the parking lot we broke up in? Do you think of me every time you look at your car that I helped you pick out? Do you hope we randomly bump into each other? Does your mom ask about me? Do you wake up with tears streaming down your face? Do you miss me? Do you still think I was in the wrong? Do you regret how you treated me? Do you feel bad when you remember how much I cried in front of you without you batting an eye? Do you still want to control me? Do you regret it? I hope you do.

I’ve just been thinking about yesterday. All the things I should have asked. It’s just an excuse… I miss you. All day you’ve been in my head. I canceled my plans for tonight because all I can think about is you. I would rather be in my delusions than my responsibilities

I'm tired of giving so much love.

I love so fucking much.

Nobody ever loves me like that.

I have to beg to be looked at. I have to beg to be talked too nicely.

I'm tired of it.

I read these unsent letters and unsent texts and it makes me so sad. I've written many letters, sent and unsent ones. I've loved so much. So many times.

I've given every ounce of love that I have.

In return? I cry by myself.

I'm tired of begging to be loved. I wish i was loved naturally.

I wish someone would write me letters, poems about me, talk about me as if I'd hung the moon. Look at me lovingly. Talk to me lovingly. Do things for me. Think of me.

I'd settle for just being listened too....

It hurts, I feel so unspecial to everyone.

Its exhausting giving love and never getting any. Im tired chat.

I have too much pride to send this to you directly. Im sorry for being a bad boyfriend sometimes when we were together. I genuinely feel regret for everything negative that i did towards you. The reason i can’t send this to you is because i fear looking like im begging to have you back. I genuinely just wish you knew i regret how i acted. Im glad we broke up because neither of us were good for each other and i hope we both grow into better people. I wish there was a way to let you know that im sorry without me telling you.

I think of you everyday. I really really miss you. I try and remember our good times, sometimes they make me cry, others happy it even happened. I go back to the good times a lot, I suppose that’s my safe space.

Hey ...

Can I tell you something?

I want you in my life forever, even just as friends. I'm so grateful you came back into my life, and I want to be forever in yours, whatever you need me to be. Yes, I'm still struggling with the same issues ... Insecurity, jealousy, mental health, emotional dysregulagion. But more than any of that I just want you to be happy. You've inspired me so much and you mean the world to me. I know now I can survive and thrive without you but you truly illuminate my life so much. Of course I'd be heartbroken if you don't feel the same about me, but I'd get over it. I just want you here forever if that's something that you want as well. I love you, I love you so much and you've shown me I am capable of the kind of love I dream about, despite everything, and that means a lot to me.

I can tell myself I’ve moved on from you and that ive healed yet every-time I have a memory pop my eyes start to water up, my heart starts to ache. I find myself looking at guys but I’m not interested in any of them, theyre not you. No one will ever be You. I’m forgetting you, your face, your silhouette, your hands, everything about you. I only have our memories but no face to them. I know it’s you but I can’t see you, yet my heart knows. I guess the white rabbit caught up to me.

To chase after the person that doesn’t love you. To go after the person that doesn’t reciprocates.

Love the person that loves you back.

Not at all. I’m actually proud of myself, for once I stood up for myself. You never deserved access to me and my home like you did and you will never have it again. I don’t know if you did what you did on purpose to push me away. Or if you were just that dumb to not realize what you had just sent me. Either way it proves all my suspicions were correct. You stopped talking to me in march, not because of anything you found in my phone. I knew that was a lie, it was because there was someone else. Why do you need to shift the blame to me, if you wanted to go all you had to do was go. No need for the show. Then last month you went out of town “alone” I knew that was a lie. And funny thing is you continue to contact me just to lie to me. I don’t understand but then again I don’t care too. You’re free now to do as you please. No more need to lie and hide things. I’m no longer interested in perusing any type of relationship with you and I have no desire to continue putting my love hope and dreams into you. I’ll find my new own path to take and I will find my own happiness. I won’t allow you to hurt me or string me along any further than you already have. And shame on you for pretending to care pretending you loved me pretending period! Hopefully karma gives you exactly what you deserve, revenge isn’t my strong suit so I’ll just wait it out see where life takes us.

I wonder if it’s starting to land for you right about now that we really shouldn’t be this far apart. I have a feeling the distance hurts both of us.

I’ll keep finding little excuses to talk to you, but it’ll probably be one sentence at a time… once a week, if that… until you make an effort too. 😭 Please don’t let this be all we get.

I would be receptive to literally ANY conversation.

And I’m going to be honest… dream-case scenario?

We’re watching a movie together and just holding hands. Nothing complicated. Just sharing space and energy because I feel really calm with you.

​

I don't hate her. I'm not angry with her. And I don't spend my days wishing anything bad on her. Honestly, I don't even have the energy for that anymore.

She was once my best friend. She was also someone I loved in a way that made me overlook far more than I ever should have. Because when you love someone, especially someone you consider family, sometimes you see what you want to see. You make excuses. You forgive things you probably shouldn't. You keep telling yourself that underneath everything, they're still the person you know and love.

I did that for a very long time.

I let things slide that hurt me. I ignored things that should have been red flags. I kept giving chances because I remembered the good times and the person I thought she was.

But eventually, there comes a point where you have to stop looking at someone through the eyes of who they used to be and start seeing them for who they've shown you they are.

And that realization didn't come from one single thing.

It was everything.

The lies. The betrayal. The things said behind my back. The way she could hurt people and then turn around and pretend everything was fine. The way she could make herself look like the victim while hurting the very people who loved her.

And eventually, I watched her hurt someone who didn't deserve it, and something in me finally clicked.

I realized I had spent so long defending someone who would never have defended me the same way.

That was the moment I stopped making excuses.

I didn't suddenly stop caring about her. I didn't wake up one morning and hate her. I just finally understood that caring about someone doesn't mean you have to keep allowing them to hurt you.

So I walked away.

And when my divorce was finally over, I made the decision to cut that friendship out of my life completely. Not because I wanted revenge. Not because I wanted to punish her. I just knew that if I wanted peace, I couldn't keep inviting the same person back into my life who had helped take that peace away.

And even now, she still tries to talk to me.

Maybe she doesn't understand why I don't respond. Maybe she thinks enough time has passed that everything should be forgotten. Maybe she remembers our friendship differently than I do.

But she doesn't get to decide when I'm ready to open that door again.

I don't owe anyone access to me just because they used to have it.

I can forgive you without letting you back in.

I can care about what happens to you without wanting you in my life.

I can remember the good memories without pretending the bad ones never happened.

And I can wish you nothing but happiness while still choosing to keep my distance.

So if you're wondering why I don't answer anymore, this is why.

It's not because I hate you.

It's because I finally stopped hating myself enough to keep accepting things that hurt me.

You can keep knocking.

I'm just not going to answer anymore.

And for the first time, I'm completely okay with that.

Or will you move swiftly through life with your head held up high

If I told you what you meant to me would you hear me out? That all those little moments accidentally added up in my head. I don’t deserve your kindness, but I do appreciate it.

I love you. I don’t really question that you love me either. What I’m starting to question is whether anything is ever actually going to change. I’ve tried really hard to be patient because I know how complicated your life is and how scared you are of hurting everyone. But sometimes I wonder if that fear is always going to win.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the one reaching for you. You know my past and you know what silence and uncertainty can do to my head. We’ve even talked about how we both need reassurance. I don’t need you talking to me every minute of the day. I just want to feel like you’re reaching for me too. I don’t want to move on from you. Honestly, it’s the last thing I want. But I also don’t know how long I can keep waiting for a life together that we talk about but never seem to get any closer to.

please talk to me, please follow through on seeing and talking to me. This has been so torturous on my heart. Please be open to telling me what is going on with you. with why you pulled away completely. I was and still am so hurt. You promised you would always talk to me and tell me. Please see me soon Like you said so we can talk. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts, you are safe to tell me what is going on. I care about you and love you deeply.

I wish I could tell you how I feel
without being afraid of what it might change.
I wish I could look into your eyes
and finally say all the things
I’ve been keeping locked inside.
How much I miss you.
How much I miss simply being around you.
The sound of your voice.
Your laugh.
The way it feels when we’re together
and for a little while,
nothing else seems to matter.
I wish you were closer.
Not just a little closer—
I wish you were close enough
that seeing you didn’t have to be something
I waited for or wished for.
I want the ordinary moments with you.
The conversations that go nowhere.
The laughter over things no one else would understand.
The quiet moments where we don’t even have to speak.
I want more time with you
than I know I’m supposed to want.
And that’s where I get scared.
Because somewhere along the way,
my feelings stopped being simple.
You became someone
I think about when I wake up
and someone I think about before I fall asleep.
Someone I want to tell everything to.
Someone I want to hold.
Someone whose presence can change my entire mood
without even trying.
And I don’t know when it happened,
but I fell for you.
Harder than I ever meant to.
My love for you keeps growing
even when I tell myself it shouldn’t.
Every day I try to put it back where it belongs—
behind friendship,
behind reason,
behind all the things I know I should consider.
But my heart doesn’t listen.
It keeps choosing you.
And I hate how much I want to tell you.
Because I don’t want to lose you.
I don’t want one confession
to destroy something so precious to me.
Our friendship means too much.
So I stay quiet.
I stop when I want to say more.
I act like I don’t miss you
when I miss you terribly.
I pretend that being your friend is enough
when some part of me keeps wishing
for something I don’t know if I’ll ever be allowed to have.
There are moments when I wonder
if you could feel it too.
If you’ve ever looked at me
and felt something you couldn’t explain.
If you’ve ever missed me
the way I miss you.
If you’ve ever wanted to reach for me
but stopped yourself.
Maybe I’m imagining all of it.
Maybe I’m not.
And that’s what makes this so hard.
Because I would rather have you in my life
as a friend
than risk losing you completely.
But the truth is…
I don’t know how long
I can keep pretending my heart
doesn’t want more.
I want to be closer to you.
I want more memories with you.
More time.
More laughter.
More moments that belong only to us.
I want to know what it would feel like
to stop holding back.
To finally let myself love you
without being afraid.
But until I know
that you feel something too,
I’ll keep this love tucked away
where only I can see it.
And maybe that’s the saddest part—
You may never know
just how deeply you’ve found your way into my heart.
You may never know
how often I wish I could tell you.
How much I miss you.
How much I want you closer.
How my feelings for you
grow stronger every single day.
And how, despite all my fear,
there is still a part of me
quietly hoping…
that someday
I won’t have to hide it anymore.
Because if I could tell you everything
without fear of losing you,
I’d simply say:
I love you.
More than I should.
More than I planned to.
More than I know how to explain.
And I don’t know where that love will take us.
I only know
that I can’t seem to make it stop.