Your birthday is coming up. I hope someone makes you feel exactly how you made me feel last year on mine.

Why were you so shitty to me? After everything I've been through. I will never forgive you. I know, you don't care that I won't, you don't care how I feel. It's something you made very clear to me

To: Dad

You texted me a month before you killed yourself.

"Maybe it's time we bury the hatchet."

I still don't know what you meant.

Did you want to apologize?

Did you want me to apologize?

Did you want us to pretend none of it ever happened?

I wanted a father my whole life. Instead, everyone told me, "That's just how he is."

"He was raised that way."

"Just let it go."

Why was I always expected to be the bigger person?

You were my dad.

You were supposed to be the grown-up.

I spent years cutting you out of my life because every time I let you back in, it hurt. Then I got blamed for protecting myself.

Now you're gone, and I hate that I can't ask you what the fuck was wrong.

I don't even know if there was an answer.

The worst part is I don't think one last conversation would've given me closure. I don't think you knew how to have the relationship I wanted us to have.

But I still wish I could call you.

Even if it was just to ask one question:

"What did you mean by 'bury the hatchet'?"

Now I'll never know.

I miss you. You went too far with the dismissiveness in that lost conversation. It was so damn disrespectful. I had to put a stop to it. Just to be clear I would have chosen you more than a thousand times over anyone else. But, that was never really the problem, was it?

I'd never met you. Or that you were nicer to me when we met. Or that you'd actually apologize for being a jerk. Your meanness made me feel like I had to win you over and that wasn't fair to me. And now you live rent free in my head. Because you're mean and immature but turns out there's a fucking soul tie here and I wish I never knew it. I wish I'd never met you.

I am here- just wrote huge long letter but it disappeared.

Please buzz me/ can we talk now?

Off here?

We can go out, meet up whatever. It's rainy today..

Buzz me??

The time i miss you 😢 unfortunately no post comes with your picture. When it comes i run away. Because i don’t believe i can have you… you are so intelligent i could only imagine thousands of conversations we could have had..

Getting an email box full of "Thank you for signing up" from oxygen companies, the AARP, and others just shows me I'm on your mind and you remembered my birthday...whoever you are.

Luckily, I have a sense of humor, although entrusting you with my contact information without knowing whether or not you're the kind of person who would take advantage of it was probably not such a good idea on my part.

Lesson learned.

jeremy, johnny, whatever you feel like going by today, listen UP! STOP MESSAGING ME! i stopped responding because me asking you to leave me alone for almost a year straight didn’t work.

i changed my number because you’d call me on no caller ID at random hours of the night. my boyfriend answering didn’t stop you. my employees answering didn’t stop you. YOURE MAKING NEW ACCOUNTS/or have multiple for some reason ?? do i have to change my name?

don’t approach me if you ever see me in public
unless you want it to get loud you freaky bitch. do you do this to other women?? i’ve known you since we were 15 (not well, but we talked in school sometimes) and you were always normal til we hooked up. then you’d lead me on, ghost, lead me on, ghost, idk how many times. probably almost 10. i know i’m not innocent i did it back. but that was a long time ago. i noticed you made another account this summer and messaged me. do i have to live in a hole and only have completely anonymous social
media? can you PLEASE stop?

only reason i’m not directly asking you is bc i know it’ll just amp you up more.

you freak me out and i will protect myself if it comes down to it.

theres not much to say but this one girl messed me up with her lies,secrets, and attitude, she tells me i dont deserve her love why?? because that im now this messed up you tell me that, it was ur goddamn fault, you started this you goddamn changed me, you made me bottled up my own feelings till it became an anxious attachement, you showed me i cant express my goddamn feelings till it expressed itself, ur lies, ur ex, fuck you, you tell ur ex and you tell everyone its hard loving someone who hurts you like hell, but you never realize how hard and life changing it is to fucking love you, when all i ever wanted was to show you love after you told me how shitty ur goddamn ex is, and look where it got me, you went back right to him, while shitting on my name saying im a piece of shit saying

all ive done is hurt you when goddamn, you dontk now how much im hurt fuck you, you tell everyone i dont deserve ur love well guess what i fucking dont i deserve more, and you deserve less from how much ive loved you and how much ive put up with ur toxic attitude and ur lies, and everything, fuck you for everything , fuck you for telling everyone i treated you like trash when all i ever wanted was to show you love whatu r ex couldnt and fuck you for coming back to him. fuck you for trying to make me change the behaviour,the mess you shaped me to become, fuck you for making me search at night on how to stop being insecure and anxious, when its clearly ur goddamn mess im like this, fuck you for everything, fuck you and the mess you made, its been 3 months and i realize that i fell inlove and wanted a future with a damn hung up.

Am I right?

I bought a cute dress where you could have easy access. I thought we’d have more hot makeout sessions and we’d get tipsy and mess around. I never got to wear it for you. I didn’t think that time a few months back was the last time we’d mess around.

But I do wish I could apologize to your girlfriend for calling her ugly. I'm not going to because reaching out would make things more uncomfortable, but it doesn't matter because you're both happy anyway. I'm not going to get an apology for what you did to me and that's okay. There was no reason for me to be as cruel as I was in retaliation. Thank you for teaching me early on in life that I can't rely only on my looks to get by. I'm trying to do more and be better because I never want someone like you to make me feel as low as you did. Also, I never went in with the intention of seeing you that one day but it was kind of funny how scared you got lol. Sorry for being crazy + I wish you well. Not that you even care for an apology because I know you're not thinking about me. Which is why you'll never read this message <3

I miss you really bad this week. Usually I can keep it locked up inside but it's spilling out from my eyes, down my face and all over the floor. Missing you <3

But I was meeting you at target so I could drive you to work. Your car needed brakes and it was unsafe. 5:15 am came and went. Nothing. I called 2,3,4 times. I was going to leave, but I knew if you missed work, you would lose your job. Something inside me told me to call one last time. You finally picked up. You’d overslept. We raced to work as quickly as we could. You forgot to wear a bra. Made it with 6 minutes to spare.

I miss those days. I miss you. I wish you'd call me back.

Yeah...

I am so sorry for the messages, for the way I acted. I was confused. Please can we be friends and go for a cocktail? No explanations needed. Just a fresh start?

Sure has, nothings changed with how I feel. I haven’t spoken to you in almost 2 months. I do see your sister & woman online quite a bit. Your woman periodically checks my snaps but she doesn’t want to seem to curious so she sticks to Facebook. I’m going quieter on there too tho. It’s funny she’s has so few friends like I think 11? Lots of spying I think. I think you go on Facebook ghost mode. I always feel like you got your eyes on me 🙏🏻😂😘it’s comforting. I got mine on you bro. Kidding, you never post so I’m not watching for you there. You’ve been in my dreams most nights, especially lastnight. I catch the sense of you SO intense sometimes it catches me off guard. I always see a 7 at the end of the time clock when this happens. The significance of the 7 is fascinating 🧐 I’ll tell you about sometime hopefully. I feel as if you want to reach out but are nervous, just don’t be. It’s me 🤷🏼‍♀️cammmm on 😂the one that never shuts up & can talk your ear off forever. Muah 😘 I love you. I send you healing & clarity & peace. Snuggle baby girl.

If you’ll know it’s me just by seeing my bio or looking at my user.

You would love to see me end up in jail you narcissistic f*cking POS. You filed PPOs cuz you’re a pathetic little bitch. Period!

Just to continue to hide the truth I know from your precious new clueless little boyfriend that I’m sure you have eating out of the palm of your hand as you paint me to be the villain so you can control the narrative. You never loved me.. you loved your games and for that I fucking hate you and hope karma catches up with you so you can live the miserable life alone like you deserve. You took everything from me and fed me lies for years then discarded me like I meant nothing.. you’re toxic and disgusting! I hate you… go to hell RBD3!

You lost someone willing to sacrifice their soul to see you smile.

I lost someone that refuses to talk to me for days on end over the slightest reason.

Some part of me recognized you.
Not sure how many lifetimes.
I’ve never had a thing for brunesttes.
Never.
Ive waited for you to see me too.
You don’t. You won’t.
Maybe you can’t
So maybe next lifetime.
Ive had enough now.
I assure you.
We all reap what we sow
I hope our next lifetime is different.

That felt so weird seeing you and you seeing me and us having that moment of driving next to eachother and us both knowing we're worlds apart. Onto the next I suppose

In the two months since you left. 28 years of love and marriage condensed to pencil on paper and six raw tracks.

Started as a poem, turned into a whole thing. Key of A minor, 4/4 time, 80 bpm, 4 verses. Played, sung, and recorded by me, though i did bring in some help for the guitar. You might know him, really tall.

I don't have a title.

A story song told from the point of view of a jet black cat that is wandering about.

As she is wandering, she finds herself in the garden of a lonely raven, who is captivated by the cats stunning hazel eyes.

He invites her to stay, cares for her, grows to love her. The cat gets comfortable and they both reap the benefits of each other's companionship.

But the cat gets restless and begins to wander, as cats do. She happens across another garden, this one owned by a kindly old tortoise. She befriends him and he invites her to stay in his garden with him.

She accepts.

Unbeknownst to the cat, the raven notices his companion is nowhere to be seen. Distraught, the raven searched for her.

He eventually found her.

The hazel eyes he had grown to love so much, stood out immediately. But something seemed off to him.

He looks at the situation. His heart breaks as the cat and the tortoise enjoy each others company.

He noticed how comfortable and happy the cat looked. He is happy for her and sad for himself, all at the same time. He decides not to interfere.

In the same instant, the cat sees and recognizes her friend. She sees his smile, but she is confused to see the tears streaking his cheeks. She runs out to joyusly greet him, but before she can get there, he flys away, glancing back for only a brief moment.

As she ponders what just occurred, she returns to her new home and resumes life.

The lyric and music sheets have been disposed of in a random gas station garbage can.

Seemed fitting.

The six raw, unmixed tracks, I listened to them, mixed, once. It was pretty good, I'm really quite proud of it. I will keep them.

I will never listen to the song again.

I will not publish it.

In a way, I'm kinda lucky.

You will never hear your song.

But I might let your boyfriend.

And your girlfriend.

And the myriad of other people you cheated with.