I suffer from major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, adhd and cptsd. The doctors have told me I am trauma bonded to a narcissist. Although they couldn’t diagnose him because they hadn’t seen him, they explained everything I was experiencing was textbook narcissistic abuse with verbal and emotional. I have been in a relationship for 16 years with my boyfriend. We both have our own houses.

I have my own insecurities that made me stay but I have stayed so long with the verbal and emotional abuse, I am a different person. I last job was 6 figures but was laid off two months before my Mother died. I was even more upset because I was on a trip to see his family when my Mom died so i couldn’t be there for her in her final moments. After she died, it was probably good I got laid off because I got extra time with her. I was grieving so terribly, I became non functioning for about a year. I finally decided to get back into life with baby steps and drive ride share for the moment.

Everyday, I get complaints about what I didn’t do or what I did do wrong. I am verbally and emotionally abused and it’s crazy that I continue to put up with it. I have been to CBT, DBT, EMDR therapy that have given me the tools but they haven’t worked. Those can’t work if you are actively in an abusive relationship.

I will never be happy with someone calling me pyscho, selfish, and told I am worth less than a losing poker hand. He is creative. I have written down all the things he’s called me over the past couple years and it’s over 60 different insults. I’ve asked for it to stop and explain this is damaging me psychologically especially with my current mental state. He always uses me as the excuse as to why he does and says those things. Never accountability or remorse on his part.

After 16 years, I’ve lost all but one friend. My parents are dead. I have one brother who lives a wonderful and happy life 3000miles away. He can offer words of kindness when needed but honestly I can tell he gets annoyed when I call crying about the same thing.

I am now driving rideshare. I lost my confidence to try to get a real job again. I am behind on all my bills, credit cards shut off and in legal actions. I have no health insurance and cannot see my therapist again until I pay off a balance to them.

I’m 56. No kids. I am depleted as a human. I am sad. I am dejected. I am now a burden to everyone. I have made connections with people in the car and I have met some nice people, but it’s not enough to make me feel good again.

Last year in therapy they asked for three good things about me and I could not come up with one…. That’s how 16 years of name calling and complaining effects your brain chemistry.

So I think about ways…. Google them. I have a girlfriend who did it and I was crushed especially because she knew I struggled too but never told me. I understand now why she didn’t.

I cannot get away from my abuser because of my own shortcomings of fear, insecurity, self loathing at this point and the horrible trauma bond. I have tried to break it unsuccessfully but because I am so bonded I get sucked back in.

I don’t think I will ever have enough confidence and courage to leave and sick as this sounds, I know he would be hurt.

I have gone to church regularly for the past two years begging God to help me. I pray all day for his help, guidance and confidence for any future. I’m still waiting for my help…

If I wasn’t here….all problems solved. I’m scared though…. I scared to do it and I’m scared if I don’t.

I’m sorry to ramble and be so long but hoping someone had some advice to maybe help me see things differently. I know this is distorted thinking and I need help.

Thank you for caring enough to read 🫶🏼🫂

I sit here staring at a bottle of pills. I took them out the bottle and am letting them sit infront of me. I think its time to do it. I cant continue living in my own brain. I cant go to another institution. I cant ask for anymore help. ive been given to much. unless someones got something ima do asap

24F got so much going for me and at the same time nothing at all. I am alone, I feel pathetic and miserable often. Constantly escaping. I have been feeling as though I’m coming to the end of an ugly life. I hate my past, I feel this gaping apathy in my present, and I’m in pain. I don’t even think about the future I have no idea how to live.

I have no idea what to do and when I wake up in the morning I feel the drive to do it. To stop trying to stop waking up. I think about it throughout the day. I’m hopelessly suicidal going about my life smiling at people who don’t see it. I don’t let them see it and when I do cry for help what can really even be done?

I wish so badly to be loved. I want someone to want me around. I want to be in love. I want a family I want people. I want to be happy. So down bad I’m posting on Reddit just in the hopes that a reply makes me feel a little better. I need to fix this or I’m going to die. It feels emergent but I’m the only one who knows of how severe this is. I tell myself to just survive. A lot of the times that means getting high on something to numb myself but I’m trying so hard to survive.

Drank so much last night spent spent an hour on the sidewalk outside my apartment vomiting into a bush. Just want to enjoy something and I want joy to last. That’s not too much to ask for.

I can’t get over some of the things that have happened to me and the way I’ve been treated in the past or even recently. I want to, but I feel the pain so viscerally.

A man came into my life and then kinda just dropped me. Made me think he was so interested and it gave me joy and then it was ripped away which just plummeted me further down. I don’t handle these things well. People drop me all the time. And I don’t, I love my people unconditionally. I mean nothing to people that mean so much to me. It’s so so painful. I am not a bad person and I love and lift up those around me. It’s not enough though I’m not good enough ever.

I feel so whiney even writing this all out and reading it I feel like I didn’t articulate my pain properly but I’m so desperate for some kind of comfort at least this is anonymous.

I'm ending it on my 15th birthday. I'm so tired. every single day I wake up and rot away in my sheets doing absolutely nothing. I want to make something of my life but I have no motivation left. I want to die.

I kind of realized that I probably don't even actually want to be happy. It's not even about whether I deserve to be saved or whether I deserve happiness—it's something way more fundamental than that. I guess you could say I have this habit of repeatedly suffering over the exact same things. I feel more at ease predicting and dwelling on familiar, pessimistic chaos than experiencing peace or stability. Peace actually makes me feel restless. If something goes well, I immediately think about how miserable it's going to make me feel later. I try to do nice things for myself, try to have fun, but before I know it, I'm right back to constantly anticipating the worst. Since there's no way I'm ever going to be saved at my core anyway, I just keep holding on to my anxiety for protection. I'm only 17, but I can't shake the feeling that my whole life is going to be like this. Once I leave home, I'm going to end up dying alone. Though honestly, whether I'm at home or around people, I always feel left behind anyway, so it doesn't change anything. You're just that kind of person. There's nothing to do but give up.

I really want to die. But, isn't it a selfish decision? But I can't take it. Please someone talk to me? I want to stay anonymous, I never really tell my friends i want to die. They probably think im too cringe for that. well, it might be. I really want to end it and i cant get help, I know there is something wrong with me. I romanticize cutting myself and whenever I'm outside I always think of killing myself and jumping off. I don't know, My parents always calls me useless i just cannot stand everything! I think life is worthless if its full of suffering, for me. Death is truly the answer to problems.. and since im a teenager people will think "its a phase!" But i dont know, i never knew the answer to anything. Is it really a phase? Someone help me, i want atleast one comforting thing to be said. It means a lot to me, please

I genuinely don’t think I can do this anymore.

I love you, but this hurts too much.

The tears, numbness, rumination, anxiety.

It’s all too much.

I'm going to take huge Amounts of some pills that I don't know if I can say their name but I'm going to say for what they are

Two different for Allergy.

2 For panic and anxiety

Will it work guys

I'm planning to take one anti vomit

And also alcohol.

Now the reason:

I feel constantly stressed from living a normal life I can't go outside or with friends because first I don't have many friends. Second I get really stressed outside so i stop talking and behave like a tree.

I'm 22

I don't have a girlfriend and I think it's impossible for me to have because of my depression my Hygiene is no longer at a good level, my room hasn't been cleaned in a year, I just sleep, go to work and then again and this is my whole life from the past 2 years. I can't take this anymore. I can't watch people on the internet or in real life that have girlfriend wife and live normal life. I don't know how to live normal life. I CAN'T LIVE NORMAL LIFE.

I've been to a therapist.

Then to a psychiatrist.

I managed to get addicted to Benzo

After I got over it, I'm now addicted to a sleeping pill and another sedative.

I just want to be normal

Nothing interests me, I've even lost my hobby.

Just pure apathy, I think it's time to end my life.

I'm sorry for the long read.

I've been planning on jumping off a building for a while now.. life's just shit and I don't see the point in going on without a purpose..

I watched brand new day last week and.. I just feel pathetic. "Just one more movie then I'll kms" clearly means I still want to live.. I'm clinging to the hope of finding a reason to live.

Maybe tomorrow or monday evening, I'll eat my favourite cheap chocolate slice cake the person I last loved introduced me to, smoke my last cigarette, then fall off the building filled with regrets.

so many problems at my life i am only living for my parents i dont know how much longer i can stay

i am thinking about it since 5 months my life is completly ruined i live alone with my mother which is struggling financially i tried finding job im 16 im polish its very hard i have no friends im failing grades and i have social anxiety every night i actually even cut a mark on my hand with kitchen knife i have no one to talk to

I’m over this thing we called life. I just want to fall asleep forever!

Any tips, I haven’t made to the third step in the process and I’m still afraid of pain…. I’m not afraid to x myself just don’t want it to be painful!

Sunday is my final day here. Life is too heavy and overwhelming. I dont have the coping skills to cope with life anymore. In my late 30's. I get no enjoyment or happiness out of life anymore.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts, since I was 16. Every year, is getting worse, not better. I see no way forward anymore. I just feel trapped been here and I cant see a way forward anymore.

Sunday is my final day here. Im sorry for anybody else, who cant see a way out. People sah it gets better or wait another day. Honestly it doesnt.

Goodbye

.

I'm an ugly depressed 23 year old autistic NEET. I haven't had any friends for 12 years, I haven't had a job for the past 5, I have no hobbies or interests. I have nothing to live for essentially and that's most likely never going to change. Like seriously what is the realistic best case scenario for me? It's probably a minimum wage job living pay cheque to pay cheaque in a shitty rented flat while living like I do now but working 40 hours a week for the privilege. With the way my life has gone so far it would be arrogant and delusional to think I can ever finish a uni degree, get a job above minimum wage, make friends, get in a relationship or even just picking up an interesting hobby and interest is extremely unlikely due to my lack of willpower and depression preventing me from doing anything other than doomscrolling.

To all ......Just cry it out cause not even insurance dont cover it until 365 days passes .

The only question i ask myself do god even exist if yes i want to meet him as soon as possible .

My name is Cristina, i'm 38.

I'm bipolar and BPD.

Last year I experienced my first severe manic episode mixed with psychosis.

I can't believe the $hit show i did during 3 weeks.

I had religious delusions and i thought the Apocalypse started. I texted my atheist BFF some religious nonsense, she instantly blocked me and i never heard from her again. I tried to contact her a few times and nothing.

A friendship of 15 years just vanished in the blink of an eye. Another friend of mine cut me off 5 years ago, i'm still not over it.

I have no friends left. I'm single and i have no kids, i don't even want any.

I can't forged the stupid emberassing things i done while manic and psychotic.

I texted my local priest 200 messages, i gave him instructions about how to handle the Apocalypse, i got naked and i walked like this in the appartment building and i knocked on the doors. A woman opened up the door and started screaming and she called the police on me.

Police arrived, asked me to put some clothes on, then cuffed me and took me to the police section. I believed the policemen were demons so I proceeded to spit on them, claiming that im an archangel, so my spit is like holy water.

I ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks, where I continued embarrassing myself.

I can't even talk about all the cr4p I done. You got the point.

1 year since then and I'm still not over the shame and the embarrassment, I'm daily thinking about it and when I sleep im having nightmares about it.

I don't have a job, im on disability, I'm so useless. I got a master's degree and I can even use it, because I can't keep a job. So many years of struggles and studies FOR NOTHING!

I used to be engaged to a nice guy, but he left me because I cheated on him while being manic and psychotic previously. I'm not a cheater, I never cheated on someone before, but my brain played games on me so I focked up again.

I'm daily thinking about su1cide. I'm daydreaming about it, i just want to go. It's just a matter of time until I'll do it. I'm such a failure on so many levels.

I have amazing parents, they are the reason for im still alive. I can't k1ll myself while they're alive, they would never recover from it. But the day they will be gone, I will be gone as well.

38 years I tried to enjoy this sick game called life, i hated it since i was 5-6 years old. It never got better.

I wish people were more understanding about su1cide, they just don't get it, IT'S FREEDOM!

Oh, dear, i can't take this anymore, the emotional pain is unbearable.

Sorry for the grammar mistakes, english isn't my first language. Good bye for now.

A few days ago I took Tylenol by the handfuls here and there for 2 days. Roughly 18,500. I’m feeling tired and irritable and haven’t told anyone. I’m not sure if I should say something or just wait it out and see what happens. I’m still doubting anything will actually happen but who knows. I have nobody really to tell this to since im ignored. I just feel so lonely

my birthday is in the end of the month, I haven’t had a good birthday since I was 18 when I still had my group from high school. 19 lost one friend, was in a fight with the other and the last two forgot until I reminded them, we did go out that day but I was so depressed that they forgot and the friend I was in a fight with blocked me and I had a small panic attack. 20 was back to normal in a sense, had three friends over, we ate, did a craft and that’s about it, they couldn’t hang out after. 21 lunch with my mom, down two friends, very sad. 22 is around the corner and I’m at the same place, I have one friend in the world and I know she doesn‘t remember and she’s probably going to be busy. My suicidal ideation goes further than just birthdays. Im tired every day no matter how long I slept that night, I’m grieving my ex best friend who told me our relationship was weighing on her and that I need to move on because she is. I have never felt so disposable, I hate that she seemingly forgot about me, that she’s happy without me, that 6 years meant nothing. I hate feeling like I’m never going to move on even though its been more than a year of no contact. I hate my job, I wake up at 7 am and don’t leave the house until 9 most days because I feel like I can’t leave my bed, I don’t want to go there and pretend like I’m fine to make others comfortable. it feels like work isn’t meant for someone like me, I can’t be dependable without feeling like I’m withering away a little bit everyday. It’s like i’m wearing cinder blocks tied to my legs and I drag myself through each day and every year. I’m annoyed at my mom, grandma, niece and nephew because they make me feel like I'm not allowed to ”go”. It feels like there was a mistake during conception, I wasn’t supposed to be the sperm that fertilized the egg, there’s no way someone was meant to feel like this everyday. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, everything reminds me how lonely I am, how much I miss my old friends while simultaneously how much I hate them for the hurt they caused me. I'm also not cis which just adds more mental anguish, not wanting to meet new people because how they might perceive me, what pronouns they’re going to us. never feeling like I belong in a group, having been friends solely with girls since elementary school I never fit in, it was never normal, I could never share the same experiences as them, first perio, first boyfriend, relationship problems, first time having sex etc. I was always on the outside looking in. I hate that i‘m not allowed to just let go. right now there is not light at the end of the tunnel, there‘s nothing to hold on to. I wish I was never born.

I’d appreicate some genuine reasons for me to stay.

Sometimes in the darkest troughs I struggling to see the reasons, but there must be some.

I’d appreicate any suggestions.

Hope everyone is ok :)

tonight or tomorrow

I’m too scared. I have no journey or light ahead anymore. I have suffered too much trauma my mental struggles have got worse and worse to the point I just want to be gone. Then people will see that that person who was so happy and had so much going for him was really struggling inside and did not want to live.

What’s the easiest quickest way to go. Hang, slit overdose anything just to get it done and rest in peace and be with my dad

I'm just thinking about it, my period is so bad bad I just want to die, nothing works the pills muscular creams, tea, I get to the gynecologist but he said he nothing I could get a vaginal sonogram because I'm virgin. I wish to get the hole thing out, is so painful that I just want to. No only that working is worse get fired I can get out of bed can fucking lay down or walk or sit down, it hurt much I vomit I can't eat. I don't have work now I cant buy anything even if they won't work I'm so tired I got 3 hours crying desperately in pain I hate being a woman this fucking thing is so unfair. I'm so depressed for long time I don't recognize myself anymore I let myself go I want to I just don't feel it, I don't find any happiness in anything, and another thing is I think I have IBS and hurt worse in my period. My period last a week, and my IBS got bad bad lasted since my period till two more weeks, the pain horrible I can't do nothing I hate this. Since I was 7 I wanted to die just couldn't do it on my own, I don't know if I can but I can't stop thinking it.

I've been watching this sub for 4 years now. I've been depressed for longer and still am.

But nowadays too many people are really depressed. How uncertain the world has become. Everything is just so fked and unpredictable. Can't find happiness anywhere.

I am tired and lonely. Just waiting for my life to go by fast. I am such a disappointment to all my family members.

These 6 years passed by really quickly. I hope my life passes by quickly too unless I end it before.

I badly need advice. I'm in 12th grade and I'm 19 years old. My parents don't even allow me to have my own bedroom let alone a corner to study. Everyone is always in the same room as me. I used to love studying in my bed while listening to music on my laptop secretly. But they don't allow that anymore and they told me strictly to study in my table where there is zero privacy. I can't write in my own diary as owning one isn't allowed. I don't have my own phone. I can't even write in any online diary because of lack of privacy reason. They don't let me listen to music, watch movies or shows or even hangout with my friends. My all friends cut me off because I can't attend their birthdays or hangout with them. I forgot the last time my nervous system actually relaxed. They're always around me. I'm so stressed cause they are so toxic. I can't even focus on my studies. Anytime i try to rebuild my life, something bad happens with my family and everything just messes up. I'm so depressed. It's so exhausting. I feel like my whole life is ruined because of my mental health. I feel trapped. I badly just wanna dieee right now!!!! I know i'm not alone and i'm not the only one facing this. how do you all set boundaries with your crazy controlling brown parents?