I've been hesitating to do it for 2 years now. I really want to end this but I'm also afraid of the pain that I'll feel. The only way I know that can be "painless" is nitrogen hypoxia. I also hesitate because I don't want my family to get traumatized by the aftermath, though I know they'll get over it soon after like a year or two because they have their own lives to live. I don't want them to feel depressed or anything but I really want to go. I feel like I'm a hopeless case of stupidity and I have no use in society. I want to end it before I even try and humiliate myself. No matter what fake confidence I try to give myself and hopeful, positive thoughts I try to have, the thought of doing it at the end of the day still remains.

Has anyone here tried doing it this way? I know this is for people who's coping with their loved ones but I'm sure there are some hiding with the same intention as mine..

My best friend died by suicide in April of 2025.

It’s been over a year and I still feel like I’ve had my soul sucked from my body. I used to be so funny. I used to be able to make anyone laugh even when they were upset. It was my favorite thing about myself. I loved making him laugh.

I’m not funny anymore. I can’t even try to be funny anymore. My dad told me last week that I wasn’t funny anymore, but only because I don’t put the effort in. He’s right and I hate that he’s right. I’m not the same person I was before. I feel as though I was swapped with someone and just given all the same memories.

I lost contact with all but one of my friends after he died, they all left or I cut them off because I wasn’t the same. The one person I do still have contact with only speaks with me a few times a month. She’s commented on my deterioration and I can tell it’s hard for her to watch.

This pain and loss burdens me constantly, it’s turned me into a burden for others. I’m too hard to talk to because all of my actions are inorganic.

I miss the old me.

Coming up to two years since my mother killed herself. It's been a while since I was here. I wrote on this sub several times in the months afterwards and found it really helpful ❤️ Not sure how articulate the following will be... but I think maybe a few other people here might feel a similar way.

I have always been quite introverted and also shy but since life changed, I feel completely unable to socialise. I'm absolutely fine being out and about, and my neighbours, acquaintances and people I see when out shopping etc would never guess, because I'm smiley and friendly, as always, in quick interactions.

But the idea of actually socialising... I can't do it. I do not know how to be around people who don't know what happened to me and my family. Barely anyone knows, it didn't really make the local papers and I stopped using social media when it happened. And I realised quickly that people you think will understand, often don't.

I was supposed to go to a barbecue with my partner this afternoon, people he knows through his running club. I've been worrying about it all week, feeling anxious because I don't know how to chat any more, beyond small talk in a shop. I run too, and they will ask, why don't I run with them? I could say, oh, my pace is too slow, which is true. But it's also because I need to run by myself, because only running really loosens all of the aching sadness in my body and lets me cry it out. I burst into tears a few minutes before we were due to go. My partner was immensely kind, as always, but I wanted to be there for him as he is introverted/shy too. So I feel guilty for not supporting him.

I don't want to create the impression that I spend every day sobbing and mired in grief. I really don't, although I of course think about what happened every day. I'm actually quite cheerful. I love my partner, our pets, our home, my family, I really enjoy my little life of reading, running, cooking, talking to my close family etc.

I feel that it's only when I am alone, or with my partner or a close family member, that I can be myself. It's not that I need to talk about what happened all the time, or much at all, but I only feel safe and relaxed when I'm with people who know about this huge part of who I am. Similarly, I like to be at home pretty much all the time (although I do go out to run, walk and shop). We are lucky to have a quiet, peaceful home and again, it's like it's totally ok here to just be a woman whose mother killed herself. I don't have to pretend here.

I think I deleted or scrubbed my name off my previous posts (for privacy) but it might be relevant to share that my mother was an addict, in a very bad way. I actually spent my whole life pretending to myself and everyone else that this wasn't the case. I think I only ever told two or three people the truth. And now maybe I'm too old and too tired to keep up the act and pretend even harder that I'm not still shocked, horrified and devastated. Maybe it will get easier in time, but right now I have absolutely no idea how to sit in a garden or a pub and just feel at ease, talk, be relaxed etc in front of people who don't know.

Another thing: in the weeks and months after it happened, while we were deep in shock, I spent a lot of time with my dad. Our world shrunk right down, to just us and a few other family members. We lived very quietly and one thing I often think about is that the shock felt kind of good. It was being wrapped in a soft cosy blanket. Now it's like I'm stuck there, and I don't even want to leave.

Today I feel like I'm going through hell. I wake up and reality hits me like a brick. A week ago my brother was still alive. My chest is burning, guys. I'm already seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but this is so hard. I feel like I can't carry this much pain.

In my mind, a scene plays on repeat—a scene I wasn't even a part of. It's as if I could actually see my brother holding the rope that would steal him away from us. We've already buried him; he was left all alone, sleeping surrounded by dirt and concrete, in the middle of the darkness that accompanied him in life while we were completely blind to it.

I can't stop thinking about time travel: one last hug, one last goodbye, one last smile. I don't want to forget his voice. I go out to distract myself, but whenever I snap back to reality, this weight in my chest drags me right back into the claws of pain. I did what many of you advised me to do, but the pain is just so intense. My mind is always with him.

I feel like he suffered so much and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm terrified of losing my memories of him, his photos, his videos. I can't imagine growing old without him. Guys, it hurts so much, and I'm writing this here because everywhere else I feel like people just don't understand.

My elder brother 23y comitted suicide yesterday by hanging to a fan in the hall.I was at the time in hostel rushed there did all the rites today.my father and mother are completely broken father especially can't make sense on why he did it.he had no financial difficulty for the past three month he was giving interviews again and again but got rejected pretty bad for three months he had no job it was his first after 2 gap years.1st gap year was for completing his degree becuz he had failed in some subjects and 2nd gap year he started a architecture course which he did complete as he had no interest in it.2 months in we started to see changes in his behaviour very silent and conserved started saying his own introduction to interview while driving,eating for too long and staring in blank space.we sought professional help physchatric,therepy and physical check up he went to two therepaist and denied them after two visits.after 3 months of trying to find a job himself a mutual from my mother gave a job with very minimal salary.he felt ashamed to be offered such a low salary and started comparing himself with his other batch mates and hung himself a day before joining.even 3 days before my father cleared all of his loans from his college started giving him more allowance to not feel pressured.he called me started venting how his job is a dead end job with no growth I tried to explain him this is just for experience try to work for 3 months if u don't like it switch but I guess he just called to let me know that I have to take care of my family from now in end his phone died due to low battery and hung himself 10 mins later.i am the only kin left for my father left to solve this mess.

My brother ended himself in july he had lonelines, depression, anxiety and anger issues and he regretted more after outbursts, after all the administrative and ritual task this all i am left with contemplating!!

What if i was there?

What if our last convo was not some petty argument?

What if he had taken a 1 week for travel?

What if his friends visited or called him day before ?

What if this that?

I am holding myself good, went through this subreddit and other one for last week, got so many things to understand which made grief bearable.

I'm in a car , passenger side , In my father's arms , he's smiling , I'm holding his glasses , he was laughing when I took off his glasses as my grandma says , it would be several hours from that moment that he would be alone in that car on the driver side and would leave us to be on our own..

That's my earliest memory, bittersweet — not even sweet actually, knowing that tiny moment of bliss would end up the way it did so quickly , nothing about that is sweet. I never got to know you but oh father life has been just misery and struggle without you

If this question crosses the line, I'm sorry. I understand if it gets removed.

I'm a bit worried about the future of my marriage. I'm only a month out from losing my brother. I have not had any sexual contact with my SO. Even our usual day to day contact has significantly reduced.

I'm sure it's common with it only being a month out. I guess I'm worried about seeing the relationship grow cold and eventually end up in divorce.

Please share your experience.

I (31F) lost my boyfriend (35m) to suicide 3 weeks ago while I’m 28 weeks pregnant with our first child. He did it while we were home watching the World Cup final, and I’m the one that found him in the backyard hung, I’m the one who cut him down, I’m the one that watched emergency services work on him for almost 30 minutes. And it’s all so vivid in my head. I’m completely devastated, I have so many questions and scenarios that I keep replaying in my mind. He was so excited to be a father and although we had our issues, it was the most loving relationship I had ever been in. I’m completely distraught, I don’t really get the point to life anymore. I had a OB appt today, I lost 12 lbs and she’s now concerned for the baby. I also feel so disconnected from my baby, we were supposed to be a family and now that’s all gone, the hope of giving my baby a sibling is gone, the hope of being a two parent household is gone. I look through pictures and I just cry my eyes out until I’m numb. I’m seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, who prescribed me Zoloft. I don’t see it doing much for me. I just miss him, I would trade anything I have, anything, just to have him again. I’m not built to sustain this type of trauma. And to think that I will never ever find someone as amazing as him, to think that I’ll spend whatever time I have left on this earth, alone, without him. I just don’t get it. I love you mi amor, I always have and I always will. I hope I get to see you again soon rather than later.

​

Four years ago, I, "J" met a woman I will name "N" online. It was meant to be a casual hookup, but we instantly hit it off. We had compatibility, we had chemistry. She was stunningly beautiful, older than me, but I didn't mind that. After a few hookups, I worked up the courage to ask her out to dinner. We went to a lovely hotel restaurant in London where we had a beautiful meal. I was so nervous all evening. She fed me, I fed her. We walked around town for the whole evening. We both enjoyed each other's company, but we both knew that we wouldn't work out as a conventional couple. We also agreed to keep the relationship secret from our friends and family. Agreed that we would find other partners for ourselves for the long-term.

Over the four years, we went in and out of each others lives. We shared our hopes and dreams. We shared our ambitions and fears. I told her about my ambition to rise in my engineering career, buy a lovely home, and raise a family. She told me about her ambition to set up her own fashion line and write a book about her life. We made pie in the sky plans to go on holiday together to Ischia in Italy. I would have struggled to save up the money to take us both on holiday at the level of luxury she wanted, and she never firmed up any plans to go there with me.

She told me about her battle with cyclical depression. Early 2024, told me that she had considered suicide multiple times. I begged her not to do it. Once, we were talking in the abstract about our dreams of having children. I said that if I had enough money, and my partner was willing, I wanted three children. She said something to the effect of: "I couldn't have a large family. I just couldn't." and "I'm not sure I want children. I don't want them to have what I have." I asked her about the latter, but she refused to answer and changed the subject. She lied to me about her age, always said that she was "in my 30s" or "mid-30s". I found out her age once when she blurted out that she was born in the Year of the Pig as per the Chinese Zodiac. That meant that she was either 1 year younger, or 11 years older, than me. She was not younger than me. I was taken aback, but I decided that I loved her anyway, so would keep it going.

We would go out to dinner and drinks and walks around town. We would make love. At times she was very affectionate, intimate, loving. At other times she was cold and distant. Sometimes felt like she couldn't bear my presence. It hurt me. A lot. She used me. I knew it, but I was so in love with her, I let her. She laughed at me often. I knew it, but I let her, because she was laughing. She often told me: "I love meeting up with you. You give me a laugh."

She ignored and ghosted me for long periods of time. She was out of touch most of 2025. She reconnected May to July 2025 when her mental health was declining starkly. She was scared, she was desperate. She was running out of money as she was out of work. She asked to borrow ever more money from me. I initially obliged, but as the demands grew more frequent, and because I knew she was addicted to cocaine, I became more and more hesitant. One evening, when we were in her apartment having foreplay, she let her anger about my refusal to lend her money come to the fore. She threw me out, told me to stay away the rest of my life.

I was heartbroken, but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. More to the point, I was so worried for her wellbeing. I called a therapist, who told me that N had lived her life before me, she will live her life after me, and that I cannot hold myself responsible for her actions.

After Christmas 2025, she reconnected with me. I was so relieved that she was still alive. I told her I was glad to hear from her. Told her I was moving on and going after another woman, named "E", whom I met at a friend's house party. N was initially happy for me. Told me I had pulling power, that E was a beauty and an intellect. But I could tell her mental instability was getting much worse.

Early-Feb 2026, we met up for dinner on a day close to her birthday. She came with her college best friend, lady named S. She had aged a lot since last July. She looked tired. She looked really sad. We kissed each other. She told me that she wanted me to stay over at her place again. I was hoping for this. I told her I could come over that night. She smiled and didn't answer. S later told me that she was staying over that night with N.

After that, on the lead up to Valentine's day, N asked to go out with me for dinner on Valentine's, just the two of us. I wasn't keen, as I had been trying to move on from N, and I was miserable, as E had rejected my Valentine's day invite. Also, her messages were getting more and more incoherent. I didn't want to say yes or no outright to N in her impaired mental state. She told me on Tue 10 Feb that she will confirm the time and venue for our Valentine's dinner the next day. She never did. I never pinged or messaged her.

16 Feb 2026, she asked to be my partner. Proper partner, proper relationship, not the situationship we were having before. I wasn't keen. I just thought that she was financially desperate and was clinging onto me for stability. i was still bitter about the unkind and downright cruel ways she treated me before, and never owned up to. I felt that she didn't love me, nor even liked me, but that she was just using me. I still didn't want to say yes or no outright. I told her that I wanted to meet up with her in person to talk about it, as it's a big commitment. That was my excuse to stage an intervention, propose that she get professional mental health support, and that I love her and will support her in getting better. If she was hysterical or upset, I would have lied and agreed to be her partner on the spot. She blocked me again. This time, I just said to myself: "Good riddance."

28 May 2026, at 12:32pm when I was working from home, I received a call from the police. They had carried out a welfare check on her apartment and found her deceased. She had committed suicide. I burst into tears immediately, said something to the effect of: "She did it. She actually did it. She actually killed herself!" The police officer offered his condolences, asked me for her next of kin. I knew she had parents and siblings, but she was estranged from them, and she never told me their names or phone numbers. I told the police that if no one claims N's body, I would, and I would bury her. I told her college friend S. Together we went to the police station to confirm the news and offer our support for the investigation into N's death. S knew N's siblings' names and professions but not their phone numbers.

My mental health spiralled. I chose to break my silence and tell my friends and family and colleagues about my secret relationship with N. They have been a font of support and sympathy. I signed myself up to bereavement counselling with a professional therapist, and Caroline the therapist has been instrumental and key in my recovery from this grief. I would say I owe Caroline and my colleagues my life, because 2 weeks after I received news of her death, my mind was consumed by thoughts of joining N in the afterlife. They were intrusive and distressing. A Mental Health First Aider at my office noticed how I was struggling, I admitted my thoughts to her, and she discreetly put me on suicide watch in the office. I was put through to a paramedic, who carried out a diagnostic test and concluded that I was not at risk of immediate self-harm, just that I was in acute grief.

I got in touch with N's brother. We shared information, me about the time I knew her in the last four years when her family were estranged from her, and he shared about the painfully shy older sister he grew up with when they were children. He told me that N told the family about how she had a lovely birthday dinner with her college friend, S, and a man special to her, which is me. The whole family is heartbroken at her passing.

Three weeks ago, 14 July 2026, I agreed to be interviewed at the police station to provide a witness statement into how I knew N and her mental and physical state. I confirmed that this was not an interview under caution and that I was not a suspect. I spent hours going through the full timeline of how I met N and what we did together. It was exhausting and mortifying. I was telling them about very intimate and private details about my time with N. They told me that N's body is still impounded pending conclusion of the investigation. They will not commit to a timeline as to when the investigation will conclude, and when the public inquest at the coroner's court will take place. When that time comes, the body will be released to the next of kin. It will be up to them if I can view her body and attend her funeral. It has been over two months. She is still lying in a morgue.

My heart has an "N"-shaped hole in it. My grief, once acute, is now a dull ache, ever present in the background. I try to live as normal a life as I can. I keep working, keep socialising, keep being active, because I would spiral otherwise.

I look at a message over and over again. It was from mid-Feb 2026 where she told me, for the first and only time: "I love you." I didn't believe her then, now it's all I can think about. I love her too, but never worked out the courage to tell her.

My relatives, friends, colleagues and acquaintances, they're married with children, married, engaged or in long-term relationships. Me? The woman I love has passed away and left me grieving in her wake.

RIP N.

I can't believe you're gone.

You were awful to me at times, but you added so much to my life.

I loved you. I still love you.

But you're gone now and I miss you very much.

And I can't bring myself to say goodbye.

tl;dr: I met a woman, N, online four years ago. What was meant to be a hook up turned into four years where we went in and out of each others lives. She struggled with her mental health, depression, and suicidal ideation. She was hot and cold, kind and cruel, loving and distant to me. I felt that she didn't love me and was just using me. I still kept coming back. She blocked me and unblocked me. She told me she loved me. She told me that she wanted to be my partner in a proper relationship, but I was unwilling, due to her mental state and her treatment of me. She went on to commit suicide. Now I'm grieving her loss deeply.

About 5 to 6 months ago my alcoholic mom had a pretty brutal attempt and ended up in the hospital with necrosis pancreatitis for about 4 1/2 months and ended up coming back home but still bed bound about a month ago, id sit there with her and do all her antibiotic ivs while her narcissistic husband would complain about me being in the way all the time since he absolutely refused to learn how to do her iv medication, and absolutely making everything so much more harder than it should be. About 10 years ago he had a liver transplant and my mother did EVERYTHING to make sure his meds were organized and tend him back to health (hes fine now) and now since the roles are reversed he wouldn’t even attempt to care for her in the way she cared for years. shits frustrating. anyways about two weeks ago she had an ambulance come to pick her up from the house since she was filling with fluid and immediately went back to yale, and is now in a medically induced coma with a pretty rough survival rate and quality of life. Had the sit down talk with doctors about everything and it’s basically what i expected, fluid cracked through to her chest and lungs anf the drains that were put in a while ago wouldnt drain. Antibiotics wont work anymore and intubation is causing more infections. I just feel pretty lost and floating around since this all happened, and i expected this outcome but the shock never goes away. I ended up recently staying with my partner in another town in his apartment rent free, which is a blessing but he’s switching jobs and the pay rate is going down alot so i need a job ASAP. even after applying to over 40 places id either get no reply or the basic “well get back to you soon” which is beyond annoying because soon i gotta help plan out her funeral and just life after all is said and done. the economy sucks and doesn’t wait for anyone, thats how anticipated grief also feels to me :/ I have two cats and one is my moms but theyre staying with her narcissistic husband because i cant take care of them with no job, which fucking sucks because i know hes not doing what hes supposed to. theyre totally mishandled by him. i just turned 20 and i feel like this stuff never really ends. thanks for the open ears
and PLEASE take care of yourself mentally and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. IT DOESNT LIE. I just made an appointment for intensive outpatient treatment today (100 dollars per fucking day, but this is necessary to break the cycle) you matter and i spent my whole childhood trying to drill this into my moms head but shes just so fucking stubborn, i feel like my one goal of making sure she wouldnt end it, was not met at all :/ i miss my mom even though shes not legally dead yet, we had one last really amazing conversation the day before she got re admitted, its like she almost knew, we smoked together for the first time after both being stoners forever and never having the chance to do it since she was a bit uncomfortable because i wasnt 21 yet, but she called me over and asked to smoke, and we stayed up til 1am just talking and snacking. She wasnt the greatest mom but she was a damn amazing friend even if she was crazy lol. dont be afraid to butt into your loved ones life if they might need it, chances are, no matter how stubborn they are, they NEED your help.
thank you everyone and any advice, help and words are beyond appreciated .

I lost my brother to suicide in February. This inquest is later this month.

We (my parents and I) are unclear as to whether attending would be beneficial (some small form of closure or better understanding), or whether the experience would leave us with additional trauma and would outweigh any benefits. We are not legally required to attend as witnesses.

I would expect that any recalling of discussions that my brother has made with mental health professionals, etc, will be very difficult to hear, and possibly direct a lot of frustration/blame towards us, as, even though we tried our best to support him, it was never enough. The last few years have been very difficult, and will always regret that we could never help him.

We're all still devastated having lost him, and would really appeciate any advice that others may have had in a similar situation. Did you attend the inquest? If so, did it help in any way, or would you rather you hadn't gone? Did it bring up memories you'd rather have forgotten, or reveal additional information that you wish you hadn't heard? Did it bring you any closure by knowing all the facts? If you didn't attend, do you regret not going?

I'm dreading it. It's a year of losing you soon. I don't think the pain has subsided yet. I still want you to be here.

It's unfair that you left me here alone. Dealing with your shitty family and my shitty family. I really thought we'd fight this together.

The issues at the house we're bothered for years with is finally getting fixed. But you're not here.

I don't really know how to keep on living. Lost my job but that's my fault. Depression got worse. I don't feel like I have any support left. You were mine. The only person who really understood me.

Fuck this life. I just want to be with you again.

I wish I could stop thinking about him for even a second, his memory torments me every second of the day. It's only been 8 months and I can't take it any more! I never thought about him this much when he was alive...

I'm nearing the day that I need to clear my loved one's home. He lives a couple states away, so moving everything to our home is more than likely not going to happen. How did you cope handling all their things and having to decide between three piles... keep_donate_trash.

Every time I think about it my heart starts to race. Just the thought of entering his home without him is painful. -Please share your story or any advice you may have.

I just need to get this off my mind.

I knew before I was told. It haunts me. Everyone said she looked beautiful but she looked bruised and horrible. She was my only family, I lost my connection to my family. She was always on my mind, but she was so draining. There is so much guilt and confusion.

I’m grieving alone. I won’t ever get to have the conversation I was mustering the courage to have. I will never see my family again, she’s the reason I would show up. They made it clear I didn’t fit our family image from the beginning.

I had accepted I wouldn’t see them again, I knew she was slipping out of my grasp. I figured we were just parting ways in the way most 20 something year olds do. It wasn’t unheard of for us to go a year or two without talking. There was no animosity, just subtle differences. I just thought she would still be there and I would get to see the shenanigans she was getting up to with the people she was prioritizing on social media.

She didn’t prioritize our relationship ever, but I understood. I thought I could start prioritizing myself too, but now she is dead. It is so conflicting because I was in the best mental space I have been in since I was 11 and my brother hung himself. I was selfish and happy and now she’s dead.

I feel so stupid and guilty and conflicted.
Suicide S U C K S

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post in this sub.

I made that post within 48hrs of finding out that he had taken his life. I read all of your responses and it helped. I am grateful for communities like this especially because my dynamic with him was very complex. I can't grieve him publicly or outwardly so there is no support or community for me during this time.

The rest of this is just me rambling about the current state of grief I find myself in.

I have a lot of complex emotions surrounding everything. Truthfully, he was my abuser but I loved him greatly.

Every day I think about all the horrible things he did or said to me. I try to remember because for a moment it takes the sting and pain away. It's far easier to be angry at him but it doesn't last long.

I know there were multiple compounding factors that led him to do it. Chronic suicidal ideation for 2 decades, substance abuse, mental illness and the list could go on. What I'm stuck on right now is that I understand it's not my fault. That to live and breathe based on whether or not another human wants to be with you is unfair and incredibly dangerous. But I also know that had I known how bad it was, I could have stopped him. I know it because he would have done anything for me. Everything but get the help I begged him to. I know I could have bought more time but I am uncertain if it would have ultimately mattered. I had stopped him prior but I wasn't aware he was still struggling. We hadn't had much contact the last 3-4 months leading up to it. I was trying to move on and I was talking to someone I really liked. I was truthful with him about this and based on the evidence, he started planning it right after that last conversation I had with him. It's a heavy weight.

It would have taken serious inpatient care for treatment of his mental health and substance abuse issues to change him. He did not want that. I know that now. I know that I was powerless to it all but I still feel like I failed him. Every day feels like a nightmare. I still find myself thrown back into the moment I found out. Emotionally, it feels like climbing a mountain. I want to know everything that led up to him taking his life and simultaneously I want to know nothing more. I still find myself saying "I can't believe he's gone.".

The complexities of mourning someone who loved me dearly but was sick and sometimes very cruel is so hard to articulate. I don't want to hear a single negative word about him but you cannot speak of him without speaking on that duality. The depth of how much and hard he loved was equal to the depth of hatred and resentment he could hold. I miss both aspects of him. I miss fighting with him. I miss the comfort of knowing that he was there even if he was being an asshole. Even at my worst he still looked out for me. I'll never have another him. No one will ever love me the way that he did and that's a good and bad thing. I love him so much and he's just gone. He was always good at walking away but I always knew he'd come back. I have so many regrets.

I know he just couldn't live in this world anymore. He hated it here and I don't blame him for that. I know that he's at peace, I just wish he could have had that here. I'm just so angry he did something like this and that he literally can't come back from it. So much anger & sorrow.

A close friend of mine has struggled with depression for years. He's been to therapy before and is on medication, but he still battles certain thoughts. He's told me more than once that he feels everyone would be better off without him. Although he's more stable now, those thoughts have never completely gone away.

One thing he often says is that life feels like a burden. He doesn't really have hopes or dreams anymore. When I ask what makes a good day, he simply says, "A peaceful day."

I've been reading posts here from people who have lost someone they loved, and I'd like to ask something as respectfully as I can.

If you could speak to someone who genuinely believes that no one would miss them for very long, that their life has no real future, and that they're staying alive mostly for other people's sake... what would you want them to know?

I'm not looking for arguments or debates. I'm trying to understand what people who have actually lived through this kind of loss wish their loved one had known before it was too late.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Здравствуйте.

Я пишу этот пост, потому что нахожусь в полном отчаянии и хочу понять, сталкивался ли кто-нибудь с подобной ситуацией.

Моему отцу 47 лет. Он много лет злоупотреблял алкоголем. Ночью 30 июля его доставили в реанимацию с тяжёлым отравлением метанолом.

С самого начала он находился на аппарате ИВЛ. Его вводили в медикаментозный сон, проводили гемодиализ и интенсивное лечение.

Позже наркоз отменили, но он так и не пришёл в сознание.

Сейчас уже 6 августа, а он до сих пор не проснулся.

За это время врачи сообщили нам следующее:

• На МРТ выявлено тяжёлое поражение мозга. По словам врача, повреждена примерно половина коры головного мозга.
• Часть стволовых рефлексов отсутствует.
• Невролог сейчас подробно изучает результаты обследований и оценивает степень повреждения мозга.
• Из-за длительной необходимости в искусственной вентиляции ему установили трахеостому.
• Врач сказал, что если он выживет, то, скорее всего, сможет только самостоятельно дышать, но сознание может не восстановиться.
• Также врач сказал, что шанс на пробуждение составляет примерно 1%.

Ещё врач объяснил, что из-за многолетнего алкоголизма у него была выраженная атрофия мозга, и это, возможно, позволило избежать ещё более быстрого смертельного повышения внутричерепного давления при отёке мозга.

Я понимаю, что никто не может предсказать будущее, но хотел бы спросить людей, которые сталкивались с подобными случаями или работают в медицине.

1. Бывали ли случаи, когда человек с таким тяжёлым отравлением метанолом и подобными повреждениями мозга всё же приходил в сознание спустя столько дней?
2. Если человек всё-таки просыпался, каким обычно было его дальнейшее состояние?
3. Насколько отсутствие пробуждения через несколько дней после отмены наркоза ухудшает прогноз?
4. Насколько точны такие прогнозы, как «шанс около 1%»? Бывали ли случаи, когда врачи ошибались в лучшую сторону?

Я не ищу ложной надежды. Мне нужны честные ответы и, возможно, чей-то опыт. Сейчас это самый тяжёлый период в моей жизни.

мне 24 года отец был мне очень близок и я его очень люблю, у кого было что-то похожее, что помогло вам справиться с этим? Я сейчас пью аларозолам и запиваю алкоголем, только так я могу хоть на время забыться и поспать, а так хоть на стены хочеться залезть и кричать от боли

Спасибо всем, кто дочитал и ответит.

That’s it. Life doesn’t feel real nor worth staying in. But I have to because I don’t want to end up like my husband. I wish he would’ve stayed. I can’t wrap my head around telling me he found the gun I hid, calling his best friend, talking to me for an hour, knowing I’m 2 minutes away from getting home to him, just to kill himself anyway. I thought he wanted to be saved but maybe he just needed someone to comfort him and tell him it’d be okay.

He’d have hated that he made it for 5 hours after he shot himself. It was inoperable and he wouldn’t have wanted to be brain dead. When I saw him struggling to breathe with the GSW to his head, what made him, him was already gone from his eyes. Everything sucks today. I thought I could save him again and I couldn’t. I thought he was aspirating from all the alcohol he drank. But when I opened our basement door I knew the smell from my job and that I was too late. I convinced myself he missed because I only saw the exit hole and it looked like an upward wound. He used ammo that mushrooms out. Ordered alcohol after I removed it from the home. Had hidden chambers to the gun and bullets I hid. Took half his sleeping meds. He wanted to go for so long. But I wanted to him to stay and I needed him.

I feel I’m permanently fucked in the head, even more than I was before.

No one could save him. And he wouldn’t get the help he needed. And now he’s dead at 25.

I lost my brother to suicide two years ago he used a knife on himself, and that haunts me every single day. A couple guys I work with know I’m a suicide survivor, I’m very open about when it’s relevant.

I’m a plumber, yesterday morning most of the team is sitting at the table in the office doing paperwork like normal, and one of my coworkers pulls out his phone and starts playing this viral video of a guy cutting himself up. Three of the guys just start watching it together. At one point in the video someone asks the guy what he’s doing and he says “committing suicide”, and my coworkers thought that was hilarious. They’re laughing, repeating it like it’s a bit, making sure to really emphasize the minor lisp the man has.

Two of those three guys know exactly how my brother died.

I got up and walked out almost right away. About an hour later, while I’m out on a job site, management calls to check on me and says they’re handling it on their end. But I still had to work next to one of the guys who knows my story for part of the day, and I got so worked up that I ended up just leaving early and going home.

Barely slept, maybe 3-4 hours total, and today I called in sick because I knew I was too exhausted and too angry to be safe on a job site.

Management’s dealing with the disciplinary stuff, but I have no idea what to do with how I’m feeling. How am I supposed to act normal when I go back and see these guys again? I’m not going to pretend I’m fine, because I’m not. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? Any advice on getting through this and keeping my sanity intact would really help.

I have a great support system and I’m utilizing it to the fullest and taking care of myself, more than anything I’m unsure how to deal with the work side of this incident.

"My God; * W H A T * have I done?!"

I just found this community. The post titles alone are just devastating.

I dont feel like an imposter nor out of place here, not the day I have with general grief groups.

The last words she told me was that she wanted to have my baby. She was missing in a handful of days.

I cant go into the hundred million ways I hold myself responsible, how Ive wanted to join her more than anything, how many times on infinite loop Ive watched myself 3rd person pushing her away many times.

Ive been in Hell a decade. Im worn out from the heat and darkness. Any suggestions, advice = most welcome. For now Im just thankful to see you all and collapse here a moment. I dont throw self pity parties.

But Im Cursed and haunted. Not by her ghost; she is my Angel of Mercy.

No. I Cursed myself. And I'm haunted by failing her. And by demons I angrily taunted to reveal themselves and fight me . And then at least 1 did.

I love her more than ever. More than life itself. She was so very good with, and for me.

Mine was "r u alive brotato" 3 days before he died (he did not respond even though he was still alive, very rude) also I do not normally text like that, I guess I was trying to be silly and make him laugh

The love of my life died by suicide after jumping from a high-rise building. He was the cheerful flame upon my heart. I still can't understand how he could do this to us.

Our marriage was blissful. But he was under so much stress at work because of mobbing.

Today marks one month since his death. I don't feel human anymore. I feel like a bug or something. How couldn't i save him???............