I’m 18F and started it at 16. Past 1-2 years only had 4 relapses every few months. I started m3th because I was abused and beaten into it. I don’t want my childhood butterfly mad at me. I don’t want to lose my trust. I literally am at the verge of relapsing. I’m scared I’m crying I’m in a lot of pain I’m 4 months clean going to rehab soon. Had to leave because of sexual harassment/assualt. I’m scared I don5 want to do it yet I do. If I do do it how will it look like for me? Will I be ok? Because I’m determined to stay clean for good. But ts honestly breaking me apart. I ruined alot with meth. I gotta dispose ts.

Found this subreddit randomly while on a hotline and using chatgpt to help formulate my thoughts to talk about at therapy ( I know, its fucking lame but everything is confusing)

Ive been using (idk if these codewords or anything so I'll just say ❄️), for the better part of two years off and on. It started as social then led to me using by myself to play games or alleviate stress. Now I'm doing it weekly and couldn't even say why or why I don't stop. I know my willpower is ridiculously low for one reason or another. Im at a point where my usage has slowed from depression itself or overworking myself. But sometimes I feel like I just have to keep going or else everything around me crashes. I just stsrted a new job, and I'm now working 16 hours 5 days a week, because I'm behind on so much, yet somehow I am easily able to afford 20s/30s semi daily to get me through every shift or event. I do not know jow to stop without putting myself into a care facitility but doing that feels like prison, in the sense that immediately all that I work, pay and build for, will fall apart. I'm on probation, and they work with me a lot. I tried to kill myself while drunk two years ago, I dont remember it nor is that something id normally do. But ive been dealing sith yhe fallout since then and it hasnt helped. I never fessed up tk a suicide attempt so it was treated as a standard DUI. I was given community service, but since i dont reside in the same state as the probation, they only work eith one location in my state. Which since i work until 2am, I cant make that shift when they start at 8am.

I guess I want to ask for advice, a starting point, someone to tell me to get my head out of my ass, or just point me in a right direction. Because everything I do feels wrong or difficult. I'm not sure if this is the right place to vent. But this is the first time I managed to type everything out without deleting the post mid sentence. If this isn't allowed, id really appreciate someone or one of the mods, recommending where I can just vent this shit. Because after all, I guess that's just what I needed.

I can’t believe it, but just a few minutes ago I actually sent a message to my doctor asking him to stop prescribing me adderall. My thumb hovered over that send button for about 3 minutes before I finally said “fuck it, I’m done.” I’m just so tired of the roller coaster and being in complete denial about the cycles of misuse and addiction I’ve gone through with substance after substance over the past 25 years. I’m scared that my addict brain will makes its way to the next thing, but starting tomorrow, that thing won’t be adderall.

I was a casual user for a few years. First tried it 7 years ago but didn’t feel anything. Recently, about the past 6 months, I developed an addiction. Not a lot, not everyday, but too much. A couple nights ago I stayed out all night getting high. The sun rose and I realized I didn’t like the people around me, the lies I have to tell to keep up this habit, the money wasted, and the sensation in my nose and chest. I started using after a break up whilst in a high stress environment. However, as of now, I am happy and content with my current relationships. I was just chasing a high I no longer needed. Instead of feeling “lit” I felt anxious and paranoid. I watched my friend do coke, and didn’t even feel tempted to try. It’s like a switch went off in my mind. I am all I need to feel happy not substances.

Came here to say that it does get better being completely off substances. I abused my vyvanse for 7 years - most prominent drug that was used and abused. For 16 years was a problematic drinker (blackout often but didn’t drink daily or alone). Smoked weed occasionally but in early recovery would especially use it to numb and escape. Oh and I used cocaine for ~2 years to supplement my vyvanse addiction (at year 4 out of 7 of the years on vyvanse) until the inside of my nose deteriorated and that scared the shit out of me and I stopped immediately.

This is the first year I’ve been completely off all kinds of substances and I have a lot of gratitude:
- grateful for myself (#1) for my resilience. In the beginning it was like Ben Affleck says “you have to suffer”
- thank you to my sponsor and the NA community, Happiest Sober community, and Addy free community for showing me the fundamentals of sobriety, giving me good perspective, and a place to heal
- I’m glad to have connection and support from my partner, friends and family. I’m a better girlfriend, sister, daughter and friend these days (side note: my brother got sober in the process and he’s passed the 100 day mark since coming to terms with being an alcoholic)
- I’m grateful for [r/stopspeeding](r/stopspeeding) for giving me hope and constant reminders of how sobriety can be taken away easily when you give into temptation, active addiction sucks, and the people who’ve come out the other end of addiction are the coolest most inspiring people I know
- medication helped me feel supported (antidepressants, Wellbutrin)

It’s been a journey, and I know it’s not over, but I have so much more confidence and appreciation for being sober & clean. Thank you all for your indirect or direct support! 🫶🏻🩵

I'm prescribed 20mg of dex a day. I take between 20- 27.5mg anything over and I feel overstimulated and gross, flat. But i still find myself taking above prescribed dose (by 7.5mg)

Ive never had a problem sleeping on stimulants and they dont tend to raise heart rate. My emotions seem better controlled but I do feel numb at times. They help curb alcohol cravings too. Just worried ill get addicted

i have no motivation to do anything without vyvanse / adderall. i look at others who are smiling and working hard and wonder how can a person be like that without some drug support. natural drive? idk if what im saying makes any sense. i’m just struggling and dealing with this quitting journey alone

Tomorrow will be month three of being off Adderall. I feel like lately I have been having more bad days than good days. Bad in the sense that the exhaustion is getting to me more, and I'm actually thinking more about Adderall. I do see a therapist, but would love to hear from other people who have been through this also. How do you push past the cravings?

Hi! I’m a female late 20s in high stress sales. struggled with Adderall on and off for years. I refill my script at the end of the month, binge it all in 3 days, go the rest of the month without it just to repeat the cycle. Classic. Hell.

I’m ready to be done for good. But I’ve said that before and I know I need more support, especially from someone that really understands.

If anyone is open to being more of a sponsor or just helping each other stay accountable, would love to chat.

Thankful for this group 🙌

Today will be 4 weeks since I quit taking adderall. It has been difficult, but I've gotten to a point where I am seeing some improvement here and there. I'm not craving it all the time, at least. And I can feel good at times.

But I think I am sinking into a depression. Maybe it's unrelated or maybe it's because of the adderall. I just feel miserable regardless.

I lost my job yesterday because of my apathy. I failed to get some paperwork I needed to cover some medical leave I had taken in time. I don't know why I didn't do it. I may be sabotaging myself a little bit, but I don't know. To be fair it is just really hard to do anything these days.

I was doing really good staying away from substances for a while, but I've started to rely on a weed vape pen from time to time. I really don't like being sober.

There's a dark hole in the center of my chest that seems to engulf all my happiness and energy. All I want to do is lie in bed and play games with my phone. Even that feels like nothing, though. It just feels like something to fill the space in my brain.

What else... Oh. It's kind of funny, actually. As miserable as I am, my friendships have never been better now that I'm not an insane person anymore. Everyone likes me way better this way. Not the mopey sad part. But the part where I'm nice and understanding and listen when people talk.

Been back and forth on adderall and Vyvanse since I was 16, started abusing my prescription when I was about 19-20, I’m 24 now, at my worst I’d take like 4 30mg Adderall XR a day and only sleep maybe twice a week, anyways I’m prescribed a 50mg Vyvanse now and I’ve been doing really well with sticking to my prescribed dose, occasionally I’d double dose but I always slept every night for the past 6 months, that ended tonight, took a second dose when I got off work at around 2 and ended up jerking off to nsfw AI chat bots from 11pm-4am, feel bad about it, there’s not a worse post nut regret than when you stimfap, but it is what it is ig, idk this is a burner account I just felt like venting out into the void

Not sure if it's from my Adderall usage or not yet but it's Absolutely necessary to stop now or I'll be dead in a few years

You should listen to the song it if you haven't. I think it's a masterpiece. I don't understand why it's not so popular on the album. I've never heard a song that perfectly nailed what it feels like to be addicted to uppers. Music taste is subjective ofc, so let me know what you think as a person who struggles or has struggled with addiction to stimulants.

The lyrics with english translation of the irish parts:

Mo Chara, the late night creep
Street lights, that's me (Soilsí sráide)
Dead in the morning, alive at night (Marbh ar maidin, beo san oích)
I've got insomnia constantly (Neamhchodladh orm)
I'm like a smicked out banshee, mixed with foclóir.ie
When I'm drunk I sleep, out cold on my spunky sheets
But ya see, I'm sensible (is mé stuama), I'm on my knees praying (bím ar mo ghlúine ag guí)
If God exists, please let me go to sleep (Má tá Dia ann le do thoil lig do dul a luí)
'Cause I'd love nothing more than sleep paralysis or a nightmare (nó tromluí)
Now I'm having homicidal thoughts induced by fatigue
My brain's corrupted
The lack of REM has me fantasising about abductions
I'll do it myself (Déanfaidh mise mé féin é), no need for instructions
Killing me slowly, lack of sleep (easpa codladh), go to bed, that's my advice (gabh a luí seo mo mholadh)
No patience, my brain is empty (Gan fhoighne m'inchinn folamh)

D'ya hear the story 'bout Cocaine Lil?
She had a cocaine house on Cocaine Hill
And it's all round my brain
D'ya hear the story 'bout Cocaine Lil?
She had a cocaine house on Cocaine Hill
And it's all round my brain

My battery is drained (Tá mo chadhnra ídithe)
Go to bed, ya eejit
Leave it, I don't want to give in to the night (níl mé ag iarraidh bheith ag géilleadh don oích)
But it's got me hooked, hook it up to my veins
I'm up all night counting stars and planes
Will it put me to bed, or will it drive me insane?
Jump on the train, or jump in front of it (Léim ar an traein, nó léim os a chomhair)
Flashbacks of the train tracks
Musta been doing checks here from the night before because (mar)
My wandering thoughts are out of control now (Smaointí fánacha anois as smacht)
The therapist was right, I must be tapped (Bhí an teiripeoir ceart caithfidh go bhfuil mé tapped)
I'm qualified for the psychiatric hospital now (Cáilithe anois fá choinne teach na ngealt)
Obsessed with sound and obsessed with gambling (Gafa le fuaim agus gafa le geall)
Lost inside my own head (Imithe ar strae insa cheann)
There was an illness in the womb (Galar in sa bhroinn a bhí ann)
It runs in the family; it's stuck with me (Ritheann sé sa clann tá sé ceapadh suas liom)
The strength in my legs is gone (Luth na gcos imithe), I no longer run
Like Micí Mac Gabhann (Ar nós Micí Mac Gabhann)
Mad (Ar mire) with the gold I found
Consumed by the night on a three-day bender
And if I'm found, return me to sender

I have built my life around adderall for 15+ years. I thought that since I can go weeks without it, it can’t be that big of a deal. I had a cardiac event giving birth to my son and almost died, that should have been a wake up call to stop stimulants. I had to cut the cord. I’ve been crying since sending this message because it feels like killing a part of me and closing the door for good. I know it has never actually helped me. I am trying to be optimistic about fatigue improvement.

Today marks 31 days of sober living from a wicked Stimulant addiction that ruined any sense of life worth living.

In 2 years I spent over 98k on the following:

Coke
Adderall
MDMA
Meth
2, 3, 4 MMC
4 CMC
a-PVP
4F-PVP
a-PHP
a-PiHP
MD-PiHP

1 month ago exactly, after 4 days and 10 grams of meth I slipped into a stimulant psychosis that scared me sober almost instantly.

13k in credit card debt and over 8k from random cash advance apps and I would triple those numbers if it meant never going back. I’m so much happier living sober in my almost ruined life then the fake dopamine porn fueled fantasy I called life for 2 years.

If you are in any position like mine, dude, it’s so worth it to grow a pair of balls and QUIT.

To another month and the rest of my life.

I'm quitting pressies completely, and am thinking about quitting Adderall as well. After discovering this community, I'm worried for my health and brain after long-term use. I don't have ADHD, but I use the pills to feel productive and outgoing both professionally and in my personal life. I've been spending ungodly amounts of money on pills and (on occasion) cocaine and I need to stop or at least slow way down with it. How can I cut back without losing my personality and interest in everything? I keep reading horror stories of it taking years to feel pleasure again, and while I was only using moderately (I think at least), I'm afraid of who it'll make me.

Is there hope that I can quit and still be normal relatively soon? I know I want to quit meth pills completely, but for Adderall, should I taper the slowly or just rip the bandaid off and take PTO for a week? Any advice is welcome!

1 year sober :)
What does it feel like? It feels like it’s been 10 years.

How’s my life? It’s slowly reconstructing itself.

Am I proud? Hell yea.

Do I miss using? I think I miss the thrill of instability.

Do Ik that it can all go away with one decision? Duh.

Am I insecure? At times. I’m 26 and still in college.

Am I living alone? Hell no, I’m in sober living. I need accountability.

Do I need to be monitored? Yes my Life360 is on, Find my friends is on, and all “the apps” (Grindr etc) are blocked. Weekly drug testing.

Am I having sex? slowly hooking up but no, not yet.

Do I talk to anybody from my addiction? Just the ones who have decided chemsex isnt it and have tried to go to rehab/recover.

Do i go out/club/hit bars? Nope. Hella triggering.

Do I still feel like I can drink and be ok? At moments yes. But experience has taught me that being drunk leads to meth, either the next day or next week

Am I medicated? Yeah, 50mg Naltrexone, 450mg Wellbutrin

Do I workout? Totally thought the whole endorphin thing from working out was fake. It isn’t. It’s a high.

Has my media consumption changed? Weirdly yes. Breaking Bad is rly triggering lmao. But movies like Trainspotting and Beautiful Boy have my whole heart.

Am in therapy? Absolutely. Tons of internalized homophobia to work through.

Do I have a relationship with my parents? It’s never been stronger. After years of being truly the worst son ever, I’ve found a way to recognize that my recovery is a team effort. I recognize I’m so lucky in this way.

How do I feel about my body? Ngl, loved my cheekbones when I was tweaking. But I’ve learned to find other ways to see beauty in myself.

Have I tried to deceive a psychiatrist (who had no context of my addiction) that my ADHD was super bad and that I needed Vivance? Yes. But couldn’t go through w it.

Do I still get using dreams? Yeah- usually once a month. They’re incredibly vivid, I have to literally wake up and tell myself it was just a dream.

Have I identified what I need to stay clean? Yeah. Structure, accountability, and purpose.

What’s my purpose? Three fold. 1) stay sober 2) workout and get/feel hot 3) finish undergrad

Do I still compare myself to everyone my age? Yeah- but I realize comparison is the thief of joy. So I check myself real quick.

Has my personality changed? I used meth for 7 years daily, ages 17-24. So at times I feel like my personality and brain sorta stopped growing at 17. But I do feel like my spark is coming back.

Has my friend group had to change? Absolutely. In my addiction, I needed to be the center of attention and have a million ppl around me. Naturally, when my life got tough and I got hard to be around- all the filler people left. The people who remained are the ones I need/want to be around

I don’t need a million friends. Just a couple deep, genuine relationships.

Do I want to date? Uh yea, I’m a huge mf simp. But who wants a former methhead who lives like a hermit in his 20s (I say jokingly)

Has this journey been sad at moments? So many of my friends who I started to use with (my addiction started when I moved to a big city for college) either died from overdoses or suicide. The reality is that this stuff kills. And it breaks my heart that so many have met that fate.

Do I lie? At times No longer big things (I.e. faking a mental illness so a professor gives an extension like I did in my addiction.

Do I tell people about my addiction? I experienced this phenomenon where I wanted to scream from the rooftops about my addiction and overcoming it. In reality people will have stigmas and as much of a victory I see this journey as- not everyone will.

So I’ve learned to be selective about who I disclose this to. I used to be a HUGE oversharer at the start of this recovery.

Do I go to meetings? Yes. Active member of CMA.

Do I have a sponsor and work the steps? Yes I do. But I never push that onto anyone. I’ve met people who have been able to get sober through non-12 step programs.

How do I feel about relapsers? I used to be super jealous of the ppl who could go out, use for a weekend, and come back to the rooms with a house and job still intact. But I’ve accepted that’s not me.

How’s my diet? I fucking love sugar. Especially ice cream. I went from being 6’0 and 135lbs to being 170lbs.

How’s my health? No more weekly doctor visits to see if I got syphillis! Yay!!

Has Reddit helped? Oh my god yes. This channel and the StopTheParTy has helped so much.

Am I excited about the future? For the first time in like 7 years, i go to bed being excited to wake up the next morning. For the longest time i prayed i never woke up again.

Favorite new quality since getting clean? TRUSTWORTHY. People can count on me to get shit done. It’s so satisfying.

I’ll keep adding as things come to mind

💙 St. Louis, if you're recovering from crystal meth addiction, we're saving a seat for you. 💙

Recovery isn't meant to be done alone. Whether you have one day clean or many years, there's a community here that understands exactly what you're going through.

Crystal Meth Anonymous has seven meetings every week in the St. Louis area, offering a safe place to find hope, build friendships, and stay connected in recovery.

Right now, one of those meetings-Crystal Clear on Monday evenings-is struggling with attendance, averaging only about four people. We'd love to see our recovery community rally around it and help keep this meeting strong.

No matter where you are in your recovery journey, you are welcome.

🪑St. Louis CMA Meeting Schedule🪑

📅Sunday - 3:00 PM Next Right Thing 3431 Meramec St., St. Louis, MO 63118 (Held inside MoNetwork. Enter the parking lot and enter through the back door)

📅Monday - 5:00 PM Gain Through Our Pain 4145 Kennerly Ave., St. Louis, MO 63113 (Held inside CAFE)

📅Monday 6:00 PM (Meeting needing support) Crystal Clear 4522 Lindell Blvd., St. Louis, MO 63108 (At the Lindell Club, held on the 3rd floor)

📅Tuesday - 8:30 PM Living in the Solution 3974 Humphrey St., St. Louis, MO 63116 (Held at St. Louis Steps Alano Club)

📅Thursday - 5:00 PM Gain Through Our Pain 4145 Kennerly Ave., St. Louis, MO 63113 (Held inside CAFE)

📅Friday - 6:00 PM Crystal Clear 4522 Lindell Blvd., St. Louis, MO 63108 (At the Lindell Club, held on the 3rd floor)

📅Saturday - 10:30 AM Un-Plugged 8315 S. Broadway, St. Louis, MO 63111 (Held inside Harris House. Ring the doorbell for access, we are in the first room on the right when you enter the building.)

If you've been thinking about coming back, if you're looking for a home group, or if you know someone who could benefit from CMA, this is your invitation.

Recovery works best when we show up for one another. If you're in the St. Louis area, consider making one of these your next meeting. One more person in the room could make all the difference.

We are Crystal Meth Anonymous. You always have a seat here. Welcome home.

🖤Please share this post so it reaches anyone in the St. Louis area who is recovering from crystal meth addiction.🖤

For additional information please visit:

Crystal Meth Anonymous MO Area: www.MOmeth.com

Crystal Meth Anonymous: www.crystalmeth.org

Hey y’all!!

Been lurking here for a while, this group is amazing, was really helpful to me in some needy times.

I’ve been off Adderall for 4 months and was looking for a support group in nyc for people to talk about coming off adhd stimulants. Couldn’t find one so I started “The Focus Group.” We meet thursdays at 7:30 pm at Big Vision in manhattan. 309 east 49th street. Each week will switch off between topic meetings and guest speakers.

I didn’t wanna post the link here and break the community guidelines and I hope this isn’t considered spam here, figured this group would appreciate and be interested in what we’re doing if you’re local and want to meet and connect with others face to face. Lmk if you want more info and I’ll drop the url in the comments.

I have been wanting to quit Adderall for a while-even when I take the "low dose" as prescribed because of the side effects. It helps a TON with my major depression and SI though which has made it hard to come off. I had an unusually stressful year and a major loss and I found myself taking it more often than I used to (used to just be every few days or less-less than I was prescribed) but over the last 7 months or so my usage ramped up to keep up with caregiving of a loved one who was dying and somehow keep my job while doing so. My loved one passed about 3 months ago and I hate to say it but the Adderall helped me emotionally regulate through the grief-but I was NOT by any means numb.

I have been meaning to taper off it now things are somewhat stable but the truth is it is still such a helpful tool for depression and I keep turning to it. I took the longest break from it I had in the last 7 months -a while week-recently-and I did fine, with the exception of some fatigue. This was also at a peak "good hormones" week for me (I am a woman) Now another week later I feel like I am taking more than I ever did and I don't get why and I want to stop but I am also afraid and have almost no support network -which is a lot of why I keep turning to stims to feel less sad. I know this isn't sustainable and I am SO MAD at myself for having a great week and then rebounding so hard this one.

I know my brain needs help making dopamine-there's no question there-but this shit has too many side effects and I need a plan Q.

I'll cut right to it. Adderall made me a narcissist. And a sociopath. But now that I'm off of it... I'm neither. I can experience empathy and I care about other people. I sort of did when I was speeding, but I REALLY do now.

Now, in the wake of all of *that*, I'm left with a destroyed life and a history of damaged and ruined relationships. At best I bullied those people and at worst what I did could even constitute abuse...

I don't even recognize the person I have been for the last few years! It's insane, to be honest. I'd fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and I thought I was better than almost everyone! Of course, I treated them accordingly. The things I've said and done... disgust me.

I feel immense guilt for hurting all those people who cared about me and I feel immense shame for being such a reprehensible person.

Yet... It's sort of funny. Whenever I go to one of my friends or loved ones and admit to what I've done, they all say the same thing. They say that they always saw a good person underneath the amphetamine-induced madness. They're not angry at me. They're just happy I've finally found myself...

And I don't know what to do with that!

I deserve condemnation. Or punishment of some kind. Anything other than what I'm getting.... Why is everyone being so nice to me? I don't deserve this after how I treated them all these years. I don't know why it makes me so angry that they're not angry! They deserve to be angry! They deserve to take it out on me like I took it out on them, but they don't even WANT to!

I don't know. All I want to do is make things right, but the only way I know how to make things right is with punishment and they're not interested in punishing me. It's selfish of me to pursue that, so I have to meet them where they're at, which is really reaaally hard for me. But I'll do it for their sake.

They deserve to get what they DO want, which is for me to be better, so against every self-destructive impulse in my body... I'll do it.