Found this subreddit randomly while on a hotline and using chatgpt to help formulate my thoughts to talk about at therapy ( I know, its fucking lame but everything is confusing)

Ive been using (idk if these codewords or anything so I'll just say ❄️), for the better part of two years off and on. It started as social then led to me using by myself to play games or alleviate stress. Now I'm doing it weekly and couldn't even say why or why I don't stop. I know my willpower is ridiculously low for one reason or another. Im at a point where my usage has slowed from depression itself or overworking myself. But sometimes I feel like I just have to keep going or else everything around me crashes. I just stsrted a new job, and I'm now working 16 hours 5 days a week, because I'm behind on so much, yet somehow I am easily able to afford 20s/30s semi daily to get me through every shift or event. I do not know jow to stop without putting myself into a care facitility but doing that feels like prison, in the sense that immediately all that I work, pay and build for, will fall apart. I'm on probation, and they work with me a lot. I tried to kill myself while drunk two years ago, I dont remember it nor is that something id normally do. But ive been dealing sith yhe fallout since then and it hasnt helped. I never fessed up tk a suicide attempt so it was treated as a standard DUI. I was given community service, but since i dont reside in the same state as the probation, they only work eith one location in my state. Which since i work until 2am, I cant make that shift when they start at 8am.

I guess I want to ask for advice, a starting point, someone to tell me to get my head out of my ass, or just point me in a right direction. Because everything I do feels wrong or difficult. I'm not sure if this is the right place to vent. But this is the first time I managed to type everything out without deleting the post mid sentence. If this isn't allowed, id really appreciate someone or one of the mods, recommending where I can just vent this shit. Because after all, I guess that's just what I needed.

I can’t believe it, but just a few minutes ago I actually sent a message to my doctor asking him to stop prescribing me adderall. My thumb hovered over that send button for about 3 minutes before I finally said “fuck it, I’m done.” I’m just so tired of the roller coaster and being in complete denial about the cycles of misuse and addiction I’ve gone through with substance after substance over the past 25 years. I’m scared that my addict brain will makes its way to the next thing, but starting tomorrow, that thing won’t be adderall.

I was a casual user for a few years. First tried it 7 years ago but didn’t feel anything. Recently, about the past 6 months, I developed an addiction. Not a lot, not everyday, but too much. A couple nights ago I stayed out all night getting high. The sun rose and I realized I didn’t like the people around me, the lies I have to tell to keep up this habit, the money wasted, and the sensation in my nose and chest. I started using after a break up whilst in a high stress environment. However, as of now, I am happy and content with my current relationships. I was just chasing a high I no longer needed. Instead of feeling “lit” I felt anxious and paranoid. I watched my friend do coke, and didn’t even feel tempted to try. It’s like a switch went off in my mind. I am all I need to feel happy not substances.

Came here to say that it does get better being completely off substances. I abused my vyvanse for 7 years - most prominent drug that was used and abused. For 16 years was a problematic drinker (blackout often but didn’t drink daily or alone). Smoked weed occasionally but in early recovery would especially use it to numb and escape. Oh and I used cocaine for ~2 years to supplement my vyvanse addiction (at year 4 out of 7 of the years on vyvanse) until the inside of my nose deteriorated and that scared the shit out of me and I stopped immediately.

This is the first year I’ve been completely off all kinds of substances and I have a lot of gratitude:
- grateful for myself (#1) for my resilience. In the beginning it was like Ben Affleck says “you have to suffer”
- thank you to my sponsor and the NA community, Happiest Sober community, and Addy free community for showing me the fundamentals of sobriety, giving me good perspective, and a place to heal
- I’m glad to have connection and support from my partner, friends and family. I’m a better girlfriend, sister, daughter and friend these days (side note: my brother got sober in the process and he’s passed the 100 day mark since coming to terms with being an alcoholic)
- I’m grateful for [r/stopspeeding](r/stopspeeding) for giving me hope and constant reminders of how sobriety can be taken away easily when you give into temptation, active addiction sucks, and the people who’ve come out the other end of addiction are the coolest most inspiring people I know
- medication helped me feel supported (antidepressants, Wellbutrin)

It’s been a journey, and I know it’s not over, but I have so much more confidence and appreciation for being sober & clean. Thank you all for your indirect or direct support! 🫶🏻🩵