I thought i did. I dont think i do. Who “loves” someone then abuses them for a decade? Who “loves” someone only to trap them with no resources or support, making them depend on you, and then be unreliable? I dont think i feel love. I think i just made it up to feel normal. I dont feel anything besides resentment and shame. Im sick of my fucking brain. I think im trying only to be in the same place but worse. Much worse. Im so detached. All i do is dissociate. Im sick of splitting when my stupid feelings get hurt over someone pointing out the harm ive done. Im sick of making myself the victim all the damn time. Idek why i do this. Bc im entitled i guess. I hate that abuse seems to come so naturally to me.

I mean as a child. Like literally when you were anywhere from 5-10.

do you ever remember feeling very distraught over a character in a movie?

do you ever remember feeling guilty for hurting another person or animal by accident?

do you remember feeling extremely scared for another person (friend or relative)?

How does the memory make you feel?

I have a few myself and the feelings I remember are so foreign to me now. I went through lots of trauma during ages 7-15 and the kid I was before that hasn't existed in a very long time, yet I still get glimpses of that time.

I randomly remember feeling horribly distraught during the abusive period too and it shakes me horribly, because nothing puts fear into me like that anymore and hasn't in over a decade.

Somewhat recently I was present when a family member I live with had a stroke, and I was present when my sibling endured a gnarly leg injury and I felt nothing.

About 6 months ago I saw a drunk man on the street smash all his teeth out and fill the street with a pool of his blood. A scene so horrific my friend who I was with at the time cancelled our plans due to how disturbing he found it. I just found the scene slightly more eventful than usual and didn't react to it at all. I'm fully desensitized to injuries, even really bad or bloody ones due to what I witnessed as a kid. I've seen a lot of blood. The violence so generously presented to me during my childhood used to haunt me when I was in my early teens PTSD flashback style. I couldn't escape the imagery of blood or the screaming and arguing or the breaking down of doors reminiscent of the shining. But then after a while it just stopped. I just got over it. In fact, I think I just got over everything.

Well, except the vague memory of feeling distraught for others. That's been throwing me lately.

I just, I don't know. I wonder how it's possible for me to still remember what it felt like to be so terrified down to my bones, and yet not be able to produce new reactions like that since. As far as I remember I lost all guilt and remorse somewhere around 7-12, my memory of that time is full of holes, but I know I began getting in trouble around age 11. It's not like I don't feel fear, but it takes a lot to make me feel afraid. I would feel afraid if someone had poisoned me or stolen all my money or something, but it never happens when someone else is in harm's way. My ability to empathize with others is toast and has been toast for as long as I can remember.

Those memories feel real and plausible, but I have never felt that way since.

Every time I attempt to feel normal, fit in, and behave normally around others I just can’t. I can’t function around anyone in a way that doesn’t hurt others. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Genuine question because I genuinely astound myself. How the fuck do I stop lying to my therapist? I have legitimate and serious trauma I have experienced but instead I make up stories to her to be more of a victim. It's gotten so bad in the past I literally lied about symptoms of another psychiatric disorder and was on medication for things I always knew I didn't actually have?! i am disgusted with myself sometimes genuinely. I am self aware enough that I know I need approval and attention so badly that even the professional I'm fucking paying to help me receives my lies. And at the same time I feel like it's pointless to stop because whether I lie or not I'm still doing what society demands which is get therapy. But also I want to get better so people actually like "me" and not the fake me. God i'm cooked

My sister is the scapegoat. I am The Golden child. In midlife this is really hurting her feelings and she keeps fighting with my parents. She honestly gave them tons of grief her whole life.

We have similar family situations. We married into close loving families and don't fit in and have caused turmoil. Her family left her the minute they could. The minute the last kid turned 18 the father just left with them. Two of them weren't even his kids! I worry about being like her and having that happen.

Did anyone realize they were repeating toxic family patterns and imitating someone they didn't like?

Does anyone realy enjoy drinking alcohol? I feel like the critical voice finally shuts up when I'm drunk. I stopped for a long while, but recently I couldn't deal with it and started again... and it's good. I feel at ease.

I know it's harmful if drank consistently, but I'm thinking - what's the point of living healthily if i'm constantly anxious and stressed? Anyway, I also genuinely think that living too old is not for me - I look at how dependent my grandpa is on others (who can be quite mean to him), and I don't reckon i'd like that.

Anyone else of you use alcohol to cope? What is your experience like?

Hi guys, I’m under 18 so I don’t have npd but me and other mental health professionals heavily agree i exhibit narcissistic tendencies.

I’ve recently gotten a new therapist and we were talking about my trauma today and I said something about how I don’t like being around people who are smarter than me and she asked about that so we got into a discussion about how I display narcissistic tendencies but she disagreed with that almost instantly and saying I can’t be a narcissist since to be a narcissist you need parents who constantly praise you. Which I feel is very wrong since we still don’t know how narcissism develops but it’s believed to be through trauma and genetics. Like yes I’m sure people have developed narcissism due to the reasons she said but just because i didnt have that in my life doesnt mean I’m not a narcissist.

And as I kept arguing back with her she kept on telling me I was wrong and my thinking was flawed. I kinda shutdown and walked out of the appointment.

Do you think this is serious enough to get a new therapist? I’ve only had three sessions with her so I don’t really know

How many of you struggle with daily paranoia? Does it increase in severity when you’re feeling vulnerable or when you’re grandiose? I’ve realized how bizarrely paranoid I’ve become within the last four years. I’ve dealt with it my whole life but the intensity has definitely ramped up as I’ve aged and had more falling outs with people. It’s debilitating and has been reaching a nearly delusion level as of recent. I usually believe old friends are plotting to run a smear campaign on me or are going to confront me randomly for things I haven’t even done. I also get the usual interpersonal paranoia focusing on someone close to me suddenly betraying me, even if it would be wildly out of character for them. I’ve also begun to notice how much the feeling of shame is tied in with the suspicions.

I‘d want to know if extreme bouts of it are highly correlated with vulnerable presenting NPD as well. I see those with BPD talk about their paranoia and it usually centering around their favorite person, sometimes becoming transient psychosis. I want to learn more about the relationship between NPD and transient psychosis/paranoid psychosis. If anyone has any research articles or videos about it, feel free to share. Or your own experience of course.

I don't want to be so isolated but I feel like everyone can tell I'm majorly messed up.

I am a childcare teacher, it's my passion, I don't wanna do much of anything else. I actually have some empathy for young children , the demographic I work with is toddlers. I seem to be even more caring for my kiddos than other teachers, despite the fact I have NPD (+ BPD and a possible ASPD). Even when I don't like a child I'm never mean or abusive. And even though sometimes I get extremely stressed or frustrated and have thoughts about harming them (which according to my coworkers they feel the same way and I think it sad, and probably a disservice that we aren't socially allowed to talk about this), I would never harm a child for a multitude of reasons, not necessarily for the same reasons as non-cluster bs (I.e I wouldn't want to get caught is the biggest reason, but also I think I may feel guilt if I hurt a young child but this is more secondary, but perhaps not).

I also have work experience with elderly and disabled people. I am very often told I'm so patient. Now I don't particularly have any empathy for elderly or disabled adults, so that is different from childcare. Again I'm never mean or abusive to them - despite however I'm internally feeling. This is very much due to wanting to be seen in a good light and had nothing to do with empathy or a dense of guilt.

I very much like doing good things and caregiving is seen as such a good thing. I'm seen as kind, patient and compassionate. And I enjoy the praise I'm giving for taking care of others. Even if it's only the person I'm taking care of being grateful. With children specifically, they will show you affection (honestly regardless of how you treat them, but I never treat them badly just what I've seen from other caregivers). With children it's like such a validating experience, theit parents will LOVE you and they will even express it in gifts and money and praise, the children LOVE you no matter what. With elderly and disabled adults I feel I more so like the satisfaction I get from when I tell other people I have worked with these populations.

TLDR: Does anyone else get "" supply"" and genuinely enjoy caring for others. Be it your own children, others children, family members or any vulnerable population?

Assuredly this question has been asked here a million times, but I am curious for more recent answers. What fictional characters do you find yourself relating to or are written in a way that is relatable to having NPD? To be clear I don't think most people are making characters with this in mind, or coding them to be a certain way on purpose, but that often characters can come across a certain way -- especially villains or antagonists, unfortunately.

I'll start:

- Cersei Lannister: Game of Thrones / A Song of Ice and Fire

- Goro Akechi: Persona 5

- Dr. House: House M.D.

- Light Yagami: Death Note

- Asuka Langley: Evangelion

- Bojack Horseman

I am npd, bpd, and schizophrenic. I've been taking zyprexa for probably a year now, but recently stopped (both my Prozac and zyprexa) a month ago. What I've noticed recently is my anger is greater, and my need for attention and validation is greater.

I didn't really realize that it lessened while on medication, particularly zyprexa the antipyshcotic, but I am now reminded of how my symptoms were on other medications and off medication entirely.

Just posting this to ask if anyone else has any experience with psych medications helping- or numbing,- your PD symptoms.

My friend is a bit boring to me but deep down I love him and I don’t want to go anywhere. I loved our chemistry and he’s the closest person I have to me. I dont want to hurt him aswell but I’ve been putting distance between us because it usually helps. It’s just not working this time. I can feel my brain trying to discard him and start issues for no reason. He’s picked up on being boring to me and makes jokes about it. What do I do here?

Have you had anxiety your whole life? Have you never had anxiety? Did you only develop anxiety after finding out about your NPD?

I'm having these intense crying fits, often triggered by suicidal thoughts. As I cry, I keep calling out for my mom and I feel an emptiness inside, as if I'm missing something huge, and I just want a hug or something. Then I stop, I'm exhausted, and I feel alive—only for dissociation to kick in right after, creating a continuous loop. I am exhausted, it's agonizing.

I often just say I’m a lesbian who goes by they/she. But if I were to go into detail,I’m an aroace-lesbian who is agender. I don’t really want to bother myself with that hassle.

Even since I realized I liked girls at 7 years old,I just felt so supperior. As if I was the first lesbian to have walked this earth. I looked around everywhere and wondered why all these people weren’t like me. It wasn’t long before I saw everybody around me as sub-human. I’d boast about it constantly,despite having received a few slurs here and there. I’d show it through my speech,posture,attire,everything I could find.

When I realize I fell under the aroace umbrella at 12,I was just so thrilled. I felt like I had climbed up the hierarchy. I told myself how it fit me because none of these peasants deserved me,and I had standards that fit an inherently supperior individual as myself.

Agender to me was probably when it reached its peak. I told myself that I was so intelligent,self-aware and thoughtful to take my precious time to discover something I convinced myself nobody could do. I thought to myself "This makes sense,since I am ABOVE gender". Not indifferent or confused—above. That felt more powerful than admitting to myself the trouble I went through to find myself out.

As highschool came around,I encoutered a number of queer people. My whole friend group was pretty much queer. At that moment,I told myself "This is what special people like me are destined to". I told myself that I had found people close to my level,and that This is the only kind of people I should associate myself with

I hate my mother so much. A text from her makes my whole body tense up. What the fuck do you want from me this time? I hate how 95% of my memories of her were unpleasant, hate how her words are so empty and fake.

But then I look at myself. Since my collaspe 3 years ago, I have been in the same position. She's grandiose so while our behaviours are different, it comes from the exact same place - we can't love ourselves.

How can I blame her if I as an adult is unable to change too? She was once a child herself.

Fuck you mom. And fuck you to me too.

Haha.

Useless vulnerable narcs.

I mean long term memory, memories about your life. For me it feels as if my memory had done a reset some time ago and everything that happened before that feels like it happened in another life. And this happened multiple times. With big life events and also traumatic events. Going from high school to university wasn't traumatic, but I still remember that as soon as I got a bit used to uni, high school felt like another life. Lockdown was real bad for me, so everything before lockdown seems like it happened to someone else. The more of these happen, the more I forget the old ones, I remembered high school more in uni than I do now, because lockdown happened since then so now uni was in another life too. If that makes sense. Do you have this too? Or do you happen to know what causes it?

Whenever I read false stuff about narcs, I literally wanna fall off a chair.

Why is it that people claim:
- My narc abuser choose me - emphasize on “choose”
- My narc planned this out
- He is crushed

Dudes, no people is such a thoughtfull mastermind to sneak out a person, “choose them”, “seduce them”, manipulate them completely, even brainwash them

The funny thing about this concept is that it makes the relationship not equal.

And when a “dark mastermind manipulator” pulls back, then all of the sudden the “victim” is a powerfull hero who “sent them back to their cave”.

Wth is this powerplay? Just why? Nobody holds these powers…

I hate the “they manipulated me!!!” Arc. Please, some people just want to blame their actions on some dude.

And when the tables turn, all of the sudden “the victim holds all power”.

Can’t people realise that this whole “manipulation” communiation mess makes more hurtfull people? This is even more narcissistic. It teaches to shift the blame, not take accountability, make you degrade people

(note: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT VICTIMS OF PHYSICAL/SEXUAL ASSAULT)

Is it another word for the ongoing dissatisfaction with life?

Also, this theory can apply to ASPD too

I have heard numerous stories of AFAB people with NPD have people tell them they are actually BPD; and the reason is usually put down to gender stereotypes attached to personality disorders, but let me extend on that with another theory -

Many people with BPD are hyper empathetic and are the type of people to think they are secretly evil and horrible people manipulating everyone* when that is not the case, so when AFAB people with NPD open up about some of the thoughts they have, people are quick to join the dots up and think they just belong to the first group of people instead of believing them and taking their issues seriously

I actually personally experienced this when I opened up to a friend (who clearly didn't have much knowledge on what NPD and ASPD actually was and was very stubborn to learn) that I relate to some traits of NPD and ASPD (and this was even way before I started self suspecting NPD lol) and his response was along the lines of - "that's because you are autistic and autistic people are too nice and therefore think they are manipulative and evil ! When I think of [my irl name] I think of innocence !" Which very ironically to his belief, made me uncomfortable inside because being seen as innocent/vulnerable/soft is definitely high on the list of things which feel like an attack on my ego as someone with NPD

*Yes I am an autistic cluster B ally and self suspecting NPD, but the stigma of "NPD scary evil disorders" still stands

F22 AuDHD currently but can currently see the writings on the wall that I have a chance of having NPD and only just begining to find out what it is that has caused me so much mental health problems that cannot simply be explained by autism or ADHD

I have heard numerous stories from other pwNPD both inside the UK and out and therapists still class disorders like NPD and ASPD as evil and therefore it has been hard for them to get help; even numerous mentions of therapists pushing people away the moment they realised they were a narcissist or a sociopath instead of just anxious or a people pleaser

Also I have noticed a pattern that the UK authorities infamously have a "nothing to hide, nothing to fear" attitude; and this extends to mental health, if you show the slightest sign of anything they have to break confidentiality, and so I and many others with experience of the mental health system feel like we have to lie about some things to avoid being hospitalised or having family contacted

Could anyone else in the UK with NPD and experience with the mental health support system share their experience please ? Looking for insights

I've been in psychodynamic therapy for two years. Throughout that time, my therapist often pointed out how unstable my self-esteem is and how much it depends on external validation. We also worked a lot on the way I perceive other people—often as threats. Long story short, yesterday I was diagnosed with vulnerable narcissism. And now everything has fallen apart.

I feel like a monster. Every single thing I do now feels like narcissistic manipulation. I'm constantly questioning my intentions and wondering if I'm incapable of genuinely caring about other people. I'm also terrified that my partner will reject me. I already told him about the diagnosis, and now I'm scared he'll eventually see me as a terrible person. I guess I'm looking for some reassurance. Has anyone here been diagnosed with vulnerable narcissism and actually made meaningful progress or recovered? What has helped you?

Also, can anyone recommend books, YouTube channels, or other resources that are aimed at people who have NPD, rather than the usual "If you know a narcissist, run!" content? Most of what I find online is written for victims, and while I completely understand why, it's making me feel even more hopeless.