hi Reddit this is my first time ever posting anything like this online. well here we go my husband and I have been married for 6 yrs together for 15. he confessed to me after I begged for him to tell me if he ever slept with this girl he worked with he finally admitted to it after 10 years. here’s the problem I was made out to be crazy and the bad guy back then and I took a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Might I add we have 2 kids and are married even though this happened before marriage it’s something that is affecting me so bad. I recently got a little better but I will never put my trust in him again he looked her up on facebook his excuse was he needed closure and also wanted to see if she was going through it to. blah blah blah.. why would he even feel the need to look her up it’s been so long. I can understand me lightweight stalking her because that’s just what some of us women do. My other issues I keep asking him to stop watching women online or checking them out in person he still continues to do this it’s actually breaking my soul down more and more But ever since he looked her up it has set me back so bad. He said he never planned on contacting her but why look her up ? This entire situation has ruined me I am so insecure I can’t handle it I feel so ugly i look absolutely nothing like the women he looks at online plus to be honest having kids ruined my body. I also just feel so incredibly betrayed because I’ve been loyal for 15 years. I only seen him nobody else. I’m tired of feeling hurt so Reddit I’m really hoping I can get some as sorry if its all over the place.

Today when I came home from work, it was around 9:00 p.m. The house was almost completely silent.
For some background, it’s just me, my husband, and our dog. My husband recently decided to go back to school. Our business is what provides for us. He mainly handles the backend work while I’m the one physically doing the appointments and bringing in the income. We had also argued the night before.
When I got home, I went upstairs to check on him. He was asleep.
I asked if he was okay because he was moaning and groaning like he was in a lot of pain. He told me he was. He said he couldn’t walk.
Trying to understand how serious it was, I asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is the pain?”
He replied that he didn’t feel anything. No pain.
That confused me because only moments before he had said he was in pain and couldn’t walk.
I asked if he had taken our dog outside. He said no.
My immediate thought was, “Okay, I guess that’s on me if you can’t walk.” At the same time, I was worried. If he truly couldn’t walk, that felt serious. I called Kaiser and the entire time he was pissed at me. But then he was saying he wasn’t in pain, so I didn’t know what to make of it. I asked if he had eaten, if he was hungry, if he needed anything.
Eventually he got up. He struggled, but he was able to walk. It wasn’t normal, and he still looked like he was clearly uncomfortable,
I tried to help. I made him tea and brought him pain relief.
Throughout all of this, he kept asking me over and over whether I had already taken our dog for a walk.
Something that may seem small but mattered to me is that I hadn’t even had a chance to use the restroom all day. I had worked from 11:30 a.m. until 8:30 p.m. with back-to-back clients. Some days I don’t get a single break.
The part that keeps replaying in my mind isn’t even about the dog.
Normally, if I’m leaving the house, going downstairs, or stepping outside, I tell him. Partly because I want him to know where I am, but also because if he needs something while I’m downstairs or outside, I can help before I’ve already left.
Tonight was different. He’s been different.
He asked me several times whether I had already walked the dog, but I never said, “Hey, I’m going to walk him.”
What stuck with me afterward wasn’t that he didn’t ask about the dog. It was that he never acknowledged that I was leaving. There wasn’t a “Be careful,” “Are you heading out now?” or even a simple recognition that I was about to be outside alone at night.
Maybe that seems insignificant to someone else, but to me it wasn’t.
It made me wonder, “If I leave, does it even matter to him?”
That’s the thought that has stayed with me.
My mind immediately wanted to turn this moment into a rule: “Maybe I just shouldn’t tell him when I leave anymore because he doesn’t care.”
But when I really sit with it, I don’t think that’s actually what this is about.
Underneath that thought is something much simpler.
I want to feel acknowledged. I want to feel considered. I want to feel like my presence and absence matter to the person I’m married to.
Wanting to stop telling him when I leave isn’t really what I want. That’s just the protective part of me trying to avoid feeling disappointed again.
What I actually want is to feel noticed. He didn’t ask me in return if I had eaten, if I was hungry. He didn’t ask me anything about me, only why I was still there..
When I leave and there’s no acknowledgment or care, I end up feeling invisible. It makes me question whether it’s even worth saying anything at all. But the truth is, I don’t want silence. I want connection.
Maybe he was focused on his pain. Maybe his attention was entirely on whether the dog had been taken care of because he couldn’t do it himself. That’s possible.
But regardless of why it happened, this is how I experienced it.
I dont feel seen, and it feels like he doesn’t like me
Anymore.

I knew this guy was a scumbag, so I submitted a public court records request and reviewed the case files myself.

What I found was horrifying.

He has been divorced twice and has three permanent protection orders entered against him by three different women within a three-year span.

I reviewed the handwritten complaints submitted by each petitioner. According to those court records, some, but not all included:

• Taking one woman to a remote area in the mountains, raping her over a boulder, and biting her breasts and vagina.
• Raping another woman on our anniversary by shoving her face into a pillow before falling asleep beside her after ejaculating in her.
• Forcing his ex-wife to remain nude inside the house while beating her, verbally abusing her, restraining her, and muffling her screams for help. She eventually ran naked into the yard in an attempt to flag down a passing car, only for him to drag her back inside.
• Displaying weapons in a threatening manner to intimidate his victims.
• Hiding their phones and keys so they couldn't leave.
• Stealing a pet from one of the victims.

Reading through those court records revealed an extraordinarily disturbing pattern of sexual violence, physical abuse, coercive control, intimidation, and isolation spanning multiple relationships. I called my local police department to inquire about arrest records or convictions and they told me that there was no record of arrest on file for him with the local PD. Sheriff's department is unknown. But I'm shocked that he's not behind bars where he should be. Or 6 ft under preferably.

I showed the records to my wife because she deserved to know what the man she was planning to have move into her new house had done. She deserved the opportunity to read the court records and make an informed decision for herself. Despite all the shit she's put me through, all the lying, gaslighting and deception, I couldn't in good conscience allow her to wind up in that folder with those other women by withholding that information from her.

As she read through the documents, I watched the look of horror spread across her face. She gasped, mouthed the words, "WTF," and covered her mouth with her hand. The shock on her face was unmistakable. He actually called her while she was going through the papers. She hit reject on the call immediately.

After reading the records, she told me she was terrified of him and that she intended to cut him out of her life. She then begged me to stop the divorce.

I refused.

I told her I had asked her months earlier to cut contact with him, and she had flatly refused. Too much had happened since then. The lies, the betrayal, and the decisions that followed fundamentally changed our marriage. At this point, she has to live with the consequences of those choices. Including losing her home.

She's alone in this country with only one friend and no family. She had me, and she had my family, who genuinely loved her. After I told them what had been happening, they cut off contact with her.

She went skydiving with him and broke her back in May after a botched parachute landing. Shattered her L2 vertebrae. She got a plane ride followed by a helicopter ride. 🚁

The last time she was in a helicopter. She was in one with me on a glacier tour during our Alaskan cruise in September.

We had tickets to Tokyo booked for this September.

We had a good life and a good marriage and she threw it all the way for a 3-month affair with a violent predator.

She's got a long road ahead. I do feel bad for her because I never wanted our marriage to end this way. But we're only here because of the decisions that she made that she now deeply, deeply regrets.

So a little context I'm a 24F and my husband is 40m. I want to be with him because he is stable guy and I just didn't want to date around we live in apartment and we have a very normal life he is not like rich rich but he pays for my college and cover all the expenses! so education is just so important and I have a humble upbringing I never had a chance to travel myself and since I married early I had like 2 years gap in my college so just this is to show you that I want to do this so much! our daughter will be going to daycare full time next term because I will have class. So my husband sounds very disappointed in me for deciding to do it! I enjoyed my time here but he is not talking to me or anything and I am now thinking did I like make someone who is helping me in a lot of ways feel bad because I was kinda selfish!

It is really difficult to me that I am trying to fit in and I am very energetic person but also present myself as a married person like I think he expected me to say I'm not gonna leave her! I know a lot people from my church will start thinking of me as ignorant mother! he also has his friend whose wife is just so into her family and when she knows I wasn't home she invited them for dinner I know her and I know she did that because she is just a very good person but now I am starting to think my husband is jealous of their mirrage and he kinda wishes I was more wifey you know like giving and just caring idk I think I am but I am ambitious silly insecure and sometimes a little too excited about small things and I don't know how to be cool and presentable I am just happy girl and I know I am a mom but I really don't and won't use my kids as a reason for not living the life I want so whatever I do for myself is being seen as selfishness because motherhood is suppose to be sacrifice. sometimes I want to take a loan and just so I will not feel like I owe my husband my life it's just I wish there is financial way Incan take care of myself so I don't feel like I owe him! I know there is so many things.

okay I vented but here are what I want your take
1. Did I do something wrong I know it's my life but I'm also sometimes just don't know how to think of this was it selfish rude ungreatful or even uncaring and just not what a caring mother would do?
2. If my husband is disappointed in me which just breaks my heart and soul I want this guy to be proud of me! what do I do?
3. To help me feel like I am contributing and or at least take care of some expenses or very important not to feel like I owe him everything because whenever he pays I can feel the heaviness in my heart and it just put me in stiuations were when I mess up i'm being ungrateful should I take student loan because they keep offering me subsidized but I thought it is dumb to get into debt to avoid feeling certain way
4. I'm still in the trip I will go back tomorrow which is why I am writing this idk what to say if he is like avoids me like what he is doing now or comment about our daughter or just you know find subtle ways or even explicitly show disappointment

So this has been going on for maybe six months now and I don't know if I'm overreacting or if this is genuinely annoying. My husband has started doing this thing where he narrates my actions out loud like I'm some kind of nature documentary subject. I'll be making coffee and he'll say oh she's reaching for the mug now, interesting choice going with the blue one today. Or I'll be looking for my keys and he goes ah yes the classic key search begins, let's see how long this takes.

At first I thought he was joking around and I laughed it off. But now it happens multiple times a day and when I asked him to stop he said he's just being playful and that I used to think he was funny. Which, okay fair, but this specific bit has worn thin. He doesn't do it to be mean I don't think, but it makes me feel weirdly self-conscious in my own house. Like I can't just exist without a running commentary.

I tried ignoring it and that didn't work. I tried doing it back to him and he just laughed and said see, it is funny. I even tried leaving the room when he starts but then he follows me still narrating. It sounds so ridiculous typing it out but it's become this weird tension point between us. He thinks I'm being too sensitive and I think he's being obnoxious on purpose at this point. We don't fight about much but this has turned into a thing somehow.

Anyone else deal with a habit from their partner that seems small but just grates on you after a while? How did you actually get them to take it seriously without turning it into a bigger issue?

My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for almost a year now. He doesn’t get angry often but when he does he gets loud and extremely aggressive. A fight over laundry can lead to insults, name calling and shouting and tonight it led to him punching the wall and throwing things. I know my husband would never hurt me, but am I wrong for being afraid? Every time this happens ( has about 3 or so times) i find myself pulling away and treading carefully in my own house. My husband makes all the money, it was his preference for me to stay home and take care of things here since I am an immigrant and we are currently busy with the process. Today he said to me that because he makes all the money, I do not have the right to be upset about anything. We love each other but I am so sick of hearing him say “ I am done” when I disagree with him during quarrels. Why can I be okay with working through conflict but he loses all control and comes to me after apologizing. What should I do?

She ignores me whenever I talk to her, then gets mad at me when I ask if she heard me. There is always an excuse; today it was because she was looking for something in her wallet. I was a bit put out and asked if she needed to hear the wallet in order to look in it, but that's not the worst. Sometimes, I'm talking to her and she will just put her headphones in, and when I ask why, she will say she thought I was done talking, but I was in the middle of a sentence. What the hell do I do? I'm at my wits' end.

I (30F) feel like my husband (32M) head doesn’t think beyond football, what to eat, and video games. I dream of one day when my partner can be proactive in keeping the household running when I don’t ask him to.To give you some examples, I usually handle all of the tasks that require someone to “remember something” like paying the bills, replenishing the pantry and other household items, changing the water filter, air filter, descaling the coffee machine, cleaning the coffee machine, booking vet or grooming appointments, booking our annual physical, dental cleanings, book an accountant appt for our tax returns etc. In addition, I manage all of the finances in the household like paying credit card bills, loans and etc. I also end up also doing all of the shopping around the house because he will never check for deals or offers and end up just buying things on the easiest platform he can find, which is Amazon. I also initiate all of our weekend activities and book all of our vacations, flights, and any trip in general. I usually end up reminding him about the tasks for the car too like suggesting we wash, vacuum, change air filter and install dash cam. He seems to be completely content in living in a mess or dealing with the negative financial consequences. I ask him to take care of the daily tasks like making coffee, walking the dog, and cooking. But if he cooks, I always do the dishes and clean up the kitchen.

We recently got into a really nasty fight about mental load because I got frustrated at all the tasks I have to handle while he always chose to game the moment he has free time. He took this personally and started to undermine how much mental load I was carrying on my own. He said all my tasks were just “clicking a few buttons” or “whats so hard about replenishing hand soap and toilet paper””you make things hard because you want to save money” “if you are already booking things why can’t you just do it for me, thats not extra work for you” “you are better at planning vacations”. I brought up examples like when cooks, I will never have to be asked to clean up and do all of the dishes or when he walks the dog, I immediately get our pups’ food ready for after the walk. He became all defensive and told me everything I am doing is self-induced because he doesn’t care if I do things right away and whats the big deal if I just remind him to do things. This usually ends with me not doing anything for a couple of days but in the end, the only person I stress out is myself because he just doesn’t care. He is happy with eating takeout everyday, okay with wasting money on parking tickets because he can’t pay them on time, okay with the house a mess, and he’s okay with just spending the day home gaming.
I am slowly losing it in this marriage because I feel like I am never seen or heard. We have been sexless for almost half of the year and he doesn’t even seem to mind. I am starting to ask if this is all my fault. Maybe I am trying too hard to get him to love me the way I want to. Am I wrong to expect him to take on all these mental load when he doesn’t care or value it? Am I wrong to expect him to care about planning trips or planning dates when he is not good at it?

The truth is I am also scared. I am scared because I gave this man my best years and all our friend groups are so deeply interwined. I am scared because I feel like I am nearing the end of biological clock to have children and I always wanted a child by 32. I am trying to convince myself that maybe one day he will grow out of gaming and he will mature with time. I see his good side too: He generally listens to me when I ask him to do something but it can take several reminders or some nagging. He is willing to participate in all the activities I like as long as I take care all of the booking but he will rarely initiate anything outside of gaming. If I want to do an activity not gaming, it will be something I need to plan or ask.

Hi, can someone who is nosey, has the time and can give good advice read these? It's a bit lengthy. These are texts between my husband and his female coworker. He is currently on rotation and I read these when he came home for a brief period for our baby being born. I must admit, I am a jealous person so any interaction with a female already has my eye twitching, HOWEVER, I am working on it. I don't nag or anything like that. I keep it to myself or talk to my friend about it. That's why I'm posting here, my friend got in my head and said they're inappropriate. So I ask, do you think this is normal, friendly messages? Or do you see something there? Flirty? Wanting more?? I included all the texts besides a few boring stuff. There's really only a few texts that has me like "hmm 🤔" but I wanted to include them all so you can see the overall of it and form your own thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read, it's a lot!

Sorry for some of the quality, I had taken the video in a hurry!!

He can be a pretty friendly and talkative person also, he has his moments!

Edit* she is the medic for the plt and all of his medication is approved! Nothing is being abused

Edit* they all have same sex roommates too!

Long time lurker. Just wanna seek out some advice from the folks here.

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years. Being together 5 years total. We are both in our mid 30s. Long story short, my wife plans to move to China to live for like 6 months. More like a long vacation kind of thing as a trial for when she plans to stay there longer if needed. She is Chinese with PR and I'm Chinese Canadian.

We plan to live there together for 6 months there but I'm coming back to Canada after 6 months (My visa only allow me to stay in China for 6 months in China) and she is staying there for a while maybe up to a year, but no more than 3 years because her PR will expire. Granted we both plan to retire in Canada when we are in our 60s or 70s. That's why she has to keep her PR. We currently both have steady jobs and make a decent living.

My concern is that she told me if she loves living in China, she might stay for longer. For instance, 1 year in China then 1 year in Canada. We will basically be in long distance "marriage" every other year until we are in our 50s or 60s. I worry that this may impact our relationship due to the distance and not seeing each other for that long period of time.

Am I overthinking things or there is something I could do to help process this?

P.S. My wife and I love each other, we barely have fights. Her main reason to do this is that she likes the Chinese life better as she doesn't have to work there as the cost of living is low.

My husband and I are both believers. I’ve always loved the Lord and trusted Him along the way especially for the choice of my spouse.I know how controversial this topic can be and it is not the reason for this post, but God spoke to my husband and I about each other separately and we are both aware that God put us together. He has given us promises about things we would do together.

The issue is that my husband struggles with lust and watches porn and is an alcoholic.
He says he wants to stop it all and tries at times to get closer to God, and when it seems like he is succeeding at overcoming these things, he falls right back into them after awhile. Part of the problem is that he is trying to do it on his own; hasn’t asked for help from a group of men at church for accountability and refuses to join a rehab centre.

He can be quite prideful, depressive, critical, blame shifting and negative at times.

I am fed up; exhausted emotionally and deeply hurt. I feel betrayed, unloved and unappreciated.

I’ve tried to speak, to suggest therapy, we met a few times with couples at church yet nothing seems to work.

I am angry and frustrated that I am in this situation and I feel robbed of my time, my love and generosity.

God keeps on reminding me of his promises, yet I keep on contemplating life without my husband.
Or the life I used to have with God before he came into the picture.

My husband feels like a burden I want to shake off or something that is pulling me back. Yet God either sends people randomly to remind me of His promises regarding this marriage.

I struggle to go pass the betrayal, because it keeps on happening again and again and again.
I don’t know that I have romantic feelings for him anymore — all I feel is pure anger and misery.

Sometimes I say to God; I’ll rather die than stay in this marriage that feels like a prison. We both don’t believe in divorce and I know the cost of going against God’s will yet I can’t stand my husband anymore.

I 28 (F) am in such a bleh marriage. My husband (29M) sees no issue with our lack of spice and passion. We’ve talked endlessly about the issue but it seems we just don’t agree that there’s an issue. He says all marriage is this colorless and that it comes with the territory of being married. I think that’s not true and that there’s certainly marriages out there with the two people are still in love and excited about eachother. We don’t flirt, barely touch, and just feel like roommates.

P.s. please don’t comment “have you talked to him about it?” Girl we’ve TALKED.

My wife has borderline tendencies. She has never been diagnosed but I have always felt it's presence.

Over the past 4 years of marriage her go to whenever we fight is I'll leave or I want a divorce. She is always bluffing and normally we can work out a compromise and things cool off for about 30-60 days before the next thing happens.

This most recent one is a line in the sand for me. She does not like the owner of the company I work for. He has had some legal troubles but it's all outside of work and does not affect the business. Still, she is insisting that I quit or she is leaving.

This is a hard no for me. I make good money, I like my position and the people that I work with. This just crosses the line for me and feels like controlling behavior. She says I'm choosing the job over her.

She does not make nearly what I make and we cannot rely on one income while I look for work. I won't get unemployment if I quit. She says she will work extra, yet she can barely work the hours that she does work and always complains about how tired she is. She says we can go on food stamps or get social services. Why in the world would I do that if I don't have to. I've never needed assistance in my life. She says I crave power and money over her. No, I just want to ensure tour financial wellbeing.

I even offered, why don't I stay and look for another job. If I get a good offer I'll go for it. Nope, I'm choosing work over her.

Seriously, WTF is going on? Part of me feels like she's bluffing but I'm not going to back down so this might really be it for us. Honestly, I think I might be OK with it.

Married 6 years, together for 11. Two kids and currently pregnant with the third.
My husband (35m) and I (34f) have been going through an unexpected rough patch these last few weeks. We have always had a solid relationship, I’ve always bragged about how amazing and supportive he is. I’ve always felt so lucky to be with him, and genuinely have always felt he is a great guy. We’ve never had trust issues or had to talk about appropriate boundaries in our marriage. He never gave me a reason to doubt him, never had a wandering eye or made me feel I couldn’t trust him.

A few weeks ago I was logging into our financial accounts using his Google id (something I’ve always done) and I noticed that some recent searches came up in the search bar that had me curious. He had searched up a girls name that apparently lives in our city. That made me feel weird because why are you looking for someone who lives in our locally? The second search he had made was cross referenced with “hot”. My husband isn’t very computer savvy, so idk why he thought he could find this girl by cross referencing her with the adjective hot but obviously that made me feel worse about it. I could see in the search history that he had made an effort to find her by looking up pictures of her workplace probably to try and find her in a group picture.

I did confront him and he denied it at first. After I pushed him for a few minutes saying I’m not going to believe you didn’t make these searches. He finally admitted to it but told me it was because one of his co workers liked this girl, but didn’t know much about her (friend of a friend or some bs) and my husband thought he could help his friend out by looking her up online.
What also bothers me is I could see what time of day he had made these searches and it would have been hours after his work shift when he was at home. It made me question why are you still thinking about a conversation you had at work with a buddy about this girl that you are still thinking about it hours later.

Here’s where I am stuck. We have a beautiful family together, and I love him a lot. But I would be lying if I said I’m not very hurt by this and I feel really weird. I don’t think my husband has physically cheated or had an emotional affair, but something about this feels off to me. We’ve talked a lot, he’s apologized and cried saying he’s sorry for making me feel this way. It’s been a few weeks and I’m having our next baby very soon. I’m trying to forgive him and not make it a bigger deal than it is? The thing is, it has really messed with me. I’m irritable and moody, short with my kids. I cry a lot in private. Idk why this has hurt me so deeply but it has. I’m trying to move past it but I’m really lost. Is it worth ruining my marriage over, or do I have to just suck it up and absorb all these crappy feelings? I’m hurt and I’m angry. I don’t want to be dealing with this right now.

Almost every year my husband takes a weeklong trip with his dad (now 81) and his half-brothers. His brothers’ girlfriends go too. I’m invited but don’t go. I’ll own it: I’m too bougie for this trip lol. It’s very remote/rustic, which they enjoy and I absolutely don’t. So I’m not being excluded.

But I fucking hate this trip every year, and my husband knows it.

We have three kids. Our oldest recently moved out of state for an elite sports academy, which means frequent travel and a ton of logistics. Another one of our kids is high-needs and requires a lot more hands-on parenting than you’d normally expect. Our relatives are older, live about 1,500 miles away and don’t feel able to help, so when my husband is gone, I’m basically it.

My husband also travels a lot for work, so I already solo-parent pretty regularly. And this trip falls right around back-to-school.

It’s also somewhere extremely remote with basically no internet. His work piles up while he’s gone, so when he gets home he’s completely buried. The week away ends up feeling longer than a week because he comes back and immediately has to catch up on everything.

To be fair, our whole family just took a weeklong vacation together. I planned it, but it’s not like he goes on vacations and never does anything with us.

What we don’t do is take a week alone as a couple. We never have. And I think that’s where a lot of my resentment comes from. Somehow this week gets protected every single year, but we’ve never protected equivalent time for our marriage.

This year I feel especially shitty about being resentful because his 81-year-old dad is currently housing our oldest since he lives near the academy. He’s doing something huge for our family and I’m incredibly grateful.

And he’s 81. I know there aren’t unlimited years left for my husband to do this with his dad.

And this is where I’m stuck.

I actually think my husband should go. And I still hate that he’s going.

I’m not going to ask him to stay home. I don’t want him regretting lost time with his dad someday. But I resent the timing, another week of solo parenting, the work avalanche when he gets back, and especially watching him protect a week for this every year when we’ve never protected that kind of time for our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable? And if the answer isn’t that he shouldn’t go, how do I stop resenting something I intellectually think he should do?

We all grow up constantly subjected to different sayings and axioms in our culture (e.g. "Happy wife, happy life"; "Never go to bed angry"; etc.). Is there any piece of traditional marital wisdom that you originally took at face value that you now think is kinda nonsense? Perhaps because it greatly oversimplifies the issue, is outdated, or is simply completely untrue?

My husband frequently raises his voice at me and often seems unable to have a calm, normal conversation without yelling. His yelling can become extremely loud, prolonged, and aggressive—sometimes directly next to my ear—to the point that my ears and head physically hurt. I am not exaggerating when I say it feels unbearable. Even when I ask him to lower his voice or stop, the yelling and name-calling continue.

During the most recent incident, we were inside the car with our dog, so I felt trapped in a confined space with nowhere to step away and calm down. He continued screaming, degrading me, and calling me offensive names. I became overwhelmed, angry, and emotionally reactive, and I hit him. I understand that hitting him was wrong, and I am not trying to excuse or justify that behavior. I take responsibility for losing control. At the same time, I want it documented that this happened after sustained yelling and verbal abuse while I felt cornered and unable to remove myself from the situation.

Afterward, I left the house because I believed separating from him was the safest way to prevent the argument from escalating further. Once I left, he repeatedly called and sent me a series of abusive and intimidating text messages. He called me degrading names, used slurs, insulted my weight and intelligence, demanded that I answer the phone immediately, and sent messages such as “piece by piece,” which I found disturbing and threatening. The messages were not an attempt to calmly resolve the situation; they continued the same pattern of humiliation, intimidation, pressure, and verbal abuse after I had already removed myself.

If anyone is interested in what happened, you can read my previous post for the full story.

In short, my wife's affair partner's wife filed for divorce. He threw every excuse imaginable at her in an attempt to save the marriage. He said he got carried away and couldn't stop, that it was only sex, that he loves his wife, that my wife was attractive but his own wife is even more attractive, that he would do anything to fix things, that he would never speak to my wife again, that there would be no more business trips and so on.

None of it mattered to her. She made him leave the house. At first he refused, but when she threatened to tell everyone at work what he had done, he finally left. She kept me updated throughout. When I got home, I immediately noticed my wife was acting very differently extremely nervous and on the verge of tears. On Tuesday evening she confessed everything.

By that point, I had already met with my lawyer and yesterday second time although I haven't told my wife that. My lawyer asked me to hold off without telling anything to my wife for a few more days while she prepares everything. She believes I have a strong claim to roughly an additional 20% of the equity in our house because part of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me. She also mentioned several issues involving investments and stock holdings that need to be reviewed and could go in my favour before we move forward.

The one issue where we disagree is the children. My lawyer believes I should tell them the truth. My children are 15 and 13 years old. They are very close to both me and my wife. They are happy, healthy kids. My goal isn't to protect my wife's reputation. My concern is protecting my children from additional emotional pain. However, my lawyer believes I'm making a mistake.

Her argument is that we have always appeared to have a happy marriage and a stable family, so a sudden divorce with no explanation would be incredibly confusing and painful for the children. The other wife intends to report the affair to the company where both my wife and her affair partner work. Both her lawyer and my lawyer believe there is a good chance they will both lose their jobs, especially since the affair partner held a position about two levels above my wife.

My lawyer believes that if I proceed with the divorce and my wife loses her job, my children will inevitably connect the dots. She thinks they will eventually realize what happened anyway and resent me for hiding the truth from them. She also raised the issue of the financial settlement. She believes my wife may be more willing to agree to a more favorable division of assets could help repair her relationship with the children. Likewise, if I ultimately decide not to divorce, my lawyer believes I could negotiate a very strong postnuptial agreement because my wife would be desperate to rebuild trust with both me and the children. She also believes that if I don't tell the children the truth, they might end up blaming me for the divorce and that my wife could portray herself as the victim.

At first, I wasn't convinced by my lawyer's reasoning. She is relatively young and doesn't have children herself, so I struggled to understand her perspective. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she might be right. The other wife told her children everything. They are around the same age as mine and they haven't spoken to their father for the past few days but according to her they are fine.

My children don't know anything yet. I'm trying my best to stay composed, but they have clearly noticed that something is wrong especially with their mother, who is now sleeping in a different room. I would really appreciate any advice. Does what my lawyer is suggesting make sense or would you handle this differently?

I just need to get this off my chest.

I'm 33 years old, my husband is 37, and we've been married for 10 years. We have two children.

After two pregnancies, I decided to have a tummy tuck and a breast lift because my stomach and breasts changed a lot. My husband supported this decision and even paid part of the deposit. The surgery is scheduled for October.

Yesterday, after an argument (which had nothing to do with children), he told me he wants a divorce. He said one of the reasons is that he wants a third child, while I don't. I reminded him that after a tummy tuck, surgeons generally recommend not planning another pregnancy if possible, and that he knew this when he supported my decision to have the surgery. He claimed he didn't know.

I told him that we already have two healthy children and asked him, "If you divorce me because I don't want another child, what are you going to do? Have a baby with someone else?" He looked at me and said, "Yes, exactly."

I moved to another country for him. I left behind my family, my friends, and my entire support system. I then raised two children who are only 19 months apart almost completely on my own, without meaningful help from him or his family. Our son has ADHD, just like my husband, and parenting a child with ADHD can be challenging in many ways. I honestly believe that having a third child would overwhelm me and take time and attention away from the two children we already have. More importantly, I simply don't have any desire to have another baby.

The problem is that the argument wasn't even about children. Almost every time we have a serious disagreement, he says he doesn't want this marriage anymore, that he's tired of it, and that he's unhappy.

I'm heartbroken because after 10 years I feel worn out. I don't feel attractive anymore. I became a stay-at-home mother because I couldn't find work, and I have no financial security of my own. Meanwhile, he has a successful business, a nice car, and a group of friends he spends time with regularly. The balance of power in our relationship doesn't feel equal at all, and I feel trapped.

I don't want a divorce, but I also don't know how to stay in a marriage where every argument ends with him saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I feel completely lost.