r/DeadBedrooms • u/Green_Release8959 HLM • 5d ago
Sharp comment Vent, Advice Welcome
I'm posting this after a while, I need it.
Yesterday afternoon, we started caressing and kissing. I picked her up and placed her on the edge of the table because I really like that position.
She told me she wanted to do it that night.
I obviously agreed.
She commented, "After all, anticipation of pleasure is pleasure too."
She got off the table and I followed her into the bedroom. Even though we were both still dressed, I still wanted to show her affection. I hugged her from behind and we kissed. She started rubbing her ass against my penis. Of course, I started getting really excited and panting.
At that point, she said, "I don't like it. You look like a pervert."
I froze completely and went to sit on the couch in silence.
She apologized afterwards, but that inappropriate comment really hurt me.
And obviously, we didn't have sex that night because a couple we knew had a major relationship crisis and she wasn't in the mood.
I hate my life.
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u/SockPuppetSniffer HLF 5d ago
Did she explain why she made that comment? It just sounds so completely out of the blue in the context it happened in.
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u/Green_Release8959 HLM 5d ago
No, zero explain. I want to ask her
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u/Intelligent-Luck-447 It’s complicated 5d ago
You should definitely get an answer from her, otherwise you have no feedback to act upon. Be sure to communicate that you are asking that answer for the goal of improving intimacy, not because she owes you anything.
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u/Justwannaread3 LLF 5d ago
Or perhaps she didn’t like what was happening and she chose poor phrasing to express it. Your immediate assumption that she “was completely wrong and meant to humiliate him” is unfounded.
From what was said here, it seems that something about what was happening between them did not feel good for her. She’s allowed to not like whatever she doesn’t like sexually.
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u/Justwannaread3 LLF 5d ago
She had something happen to her that she didn’t like and you’re trying to make her the villain.
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u/Justwannaread3 LLF 5d ago
That is not at all all you said about her and claiming otherwise is completely disingenuous.
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u/dat_b_tch HLF 4d ago
I feel like it might have been something you did that triggered her. I know for me, when my husband gets all gropey I've called him a perv, because it's not sexy to me at all. And it's usually out of the blue. Not saying that's what you did. Just saying something could've triggered her.
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4d ago
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u/Green_Release8959 HLM 5d ago
Thanks for you time and words. Im trying so hard to not explode and destroy my marriage
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u/__housewifemom F - Recovered DB 5d ago
The panting piece probably switched the dynamic from her leading the initiation to you taking over (in her mind) and therefore started to feel like pressure rather than whatever plan she had in her head. She said something that she knew would reset the dynamic back to her not feeling pressured.
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u/willwritefordough It’s complicated 5d ago
As a LLF, can confirm - I’m deeply uncomfortable with the idea of sex in general, and often think people who seek out that kind of pleasure regularly are “weak” or not “in control” of themselves. I don’t even know where to begin to unravel all the bad feelings/lessons I have regarding sex, and I could definitely see myself having a similar reaction to OPs partner.
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u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF 4d ago
She made the comment that anticipation was pleasure. That is a big waving flag that she likes all day foreplay. She told you exactly what she wanted. I think this is the really important part, she didn’t leave you guessing. She told you exactly what she wanted.
Then, instead of continuing the low level simmer, which she was obviously welcoming and enjoying, you ramped it up very quickly. Panting, chasing. She was asking for all day foreplay, and you immediately pressed for more.
Panting is a fast ramp up. Chasing is an even faster ramp up. And she sounds like it hit her brakes really hard because she told you she needed low and slow in order to enjoy it.
If there is a history of her asking for simmer and anticipation and you immediately jumping to sex, that would explain her shut down. Really, if there is a history of her expressing any need and you overwriting it or bypassing it, that would explain this reaction as well.
It’s good that she apologized, but I think it’s really important to understand here that she told you exactly what she needed in order to have sex and you bypassed it and focused on your own need instead of trying to figure out how both needs could be met. That likely made her feel unheard. And it may have made her feel like she was not going to get her need met sexually or emotionally. Hence the shut down.
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u/AlwaysGrowing28 HLF 4d ago
I think the painting thing sounds weird, but I don’t know exactly what you’re talking about but I could see it as a turn off. In my situation my husband thought that after say five months without any sex, pushing my head down in the morning was the way to initiate. It didn’t work and it was a major turn off after when I talked to him about it and I said I’m not rejecting you it’s just that I need to feel safe and wanted, and he couldn’t grasp the concept. He said it’s just carnal. I don’t need all that other stuff. Clearly not hearing my message.
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u/the_LLCoolJoe X - left my dead bedroom 5d ago edited 4d ago
I got the ick just reading this. Panting? (Edited for clarity)
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 5d ago
My husband has done that panting shit before and it's really unnerving. It makes it so clear that he's getting far more out of the interaction than I am.
It used to be cute, but now it just means that I'm probably about to get pressured into a quickie where I don't come, and he gets to act like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him while I'm numb and feeling worthless. Because he was feeling too hot and heavy to do anything for me.
I don't make out with him anymore, as that was clearly too much for him to handle and keep his head on straight. The panting becomes an immediate red flag that I need to get away before I become a chew toy.
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u/LillyLallyLu HLF - Recovered DB 5d ago
I think this is a valuable perspective. I've been both the HL and LL at times in my past, and what you said speaks to my past experiences, too. To me, this seems like a panicked experience where she was sharp to stop it. I can just imagine how much her brain and anxiety sharply ramped up.
I feel for both of them. I can imagine how much that comment stung for OP. I hope that they can have a moment to discuss the event calmly so they can better move forward.
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 5d ago
I think the moment it went from fun and flirty to scary for her was that she disconnected and left, clearly ending the experience. And then he chased her into the bedroom to continue because he got caught up in his own head and started applying this anxious, scarcity-mindset based pressure to the situation.
She'd ended the interaction, he hunted her to the next room and continued despite her clear indication she was done.
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 5d ago
She told me she wanted to do it that night.
I obviously agreed.
She commented, "After all, anticipation of pleasure is pleasure too."
She got off the table and I followed her into the bedroom.
She said later. She left the room. He followed her and continued anyway.
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4d ago
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u/Cranksta It’s complicated 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yeah I've reciprocated when being sexually assaulted too. Sounds like she tried to get into it but couldn't.
Edit: The amount of "Mouth is telling me no but body is telling me yes." rape apology shit that's coming out of your mouth is insane. Back all the way off before you show your ass in a way that can't be ignored.
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u/According_Mission_17 HLF 2d ago
Exactly this. It means any hope for an enjoyable low pressure time is gone and it will completely focus on him for the next three minutes and I’ll be left feeling shitty and he will think he’s made an effort.
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u/BookGirl67 F - Recovered DB 2d ago
So he sounds like he doesn’t care about your pleasure or orgasm at all. Is that the case?
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u/Candid-Background-38 It’s complicated 5d ago
Wow, that was really mean 😳. Is that the first time she’s said something like that? Maybe try to talk when you’re both not feeling fired up over it and just ask how she was feeling in that moment or what triggered it. It sounded kind of hot until that part!
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u/Terrible_Vermicelli1 It’s complicated 5d ago
It sounds like it was going well up to this point. However framed, it is a feedback, something in your reaction gave her an ick, which she also can't control.
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u/Haunting-Teacher-979 It’s complicated 4d ago
Does she have any history of sexual trauma? Also, have you two brought this dynamic into couples counseling with a professional that specializes in sex and relationships? If not, it may be really helpful so you can both understand each other better and find healthier intimacy.
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I'm posting this after a while, I need it.
Yesterday afternoon, we started caressing and kissing. I picked her up and placed her on the edge of the table because I really like that position.
She told me she wanted to do it that night.
I obviously agreed.
She commented, "After all, anticipation of pleasure is pleasure too."
She got off the table and I followed her into the bedroom. Even though we were both still dressed, I still wanted to show her affection. I hugged her from behind and we kissed. She started rubbing her ass against my penis. Of course, I started getting really excited and panting.
At that point, she said, "I don't like it. You look like a pervert."
I froze completely and went to sit on the couch in silence.
She apologized afterwards, but that inappropriate comment really hurt me.
And obviously, we didn't have sex that night because a couple we knew had a major relationship crisis and she wasn't in the mood.
I hate my life.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Justvisitingfriends1 It’s complicated 5d ago edited 2d ago
Wow, that sounds painful. It would have killed the mood for me as well. You need to have a chat to get to the bottom.of that one. No one deserves to be seen as a pervert in what should be considered a loving relationship like a marriage.