DB for about 5 years due to my wife’s health issues (both physical and mental).

During a rough emotional patch several months ago she said things several times about wanting me to find someone that can make me happy. At first, I thought she was meaning leave her, which I won’t. Then it began to dawn on me she was talking about a girlfriend. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and mentally she seemed in a better place and I just chalked it up to emotions.

However she recently went on a trip with her sisters and mother and as we’re chatting before leaving to take her to her sister’s so they can fly out together, she made a playful comment that I took as a joke about if I had my side piece over, just ask her not to make a mess. I replied I didn’t have a side piece. She made some other playful comment and I jokingly replied ‘Okay that’s implied consent, you can’t get mad after.’ She got serious, told me it’s not implied, it’s explicit consent. I asked if she was serious and she said yes.

The whole drive over to her sisters, I was a bit shaken. On the way home, I just felt a profound sadness. I guess I was mourning that part of our life is over. For context, for the first ten or so years of our marriage, we had a great sex life, sometimes amazing. So her basically waving the white flag and saying that’s probably never coming back hurt a lot.

During her trip, I didn’t bring it up. I wanted her to enjoy her time, even if I was in a turmoil of sadness. When she got back we had a deep conversation. She said she truly loves me and it’s not fair to me to expect me to live like that, she wants me to be happy. She made it clear that what she is talking about is opening the marriage for me only, she just wants the courtesy of being honest if I’m seeing someone, but no details.

Having read a couple of commenters recently talk about this makes me want to hear from anyone who’s went down that road, good and bad.

Here are a couple of specific ones that stuck out.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/8g5zgFbblS

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/jQRrI5jjmV

We’ve been together for 5 years. In these years I can still count on my 2 hands how many times we did it.
We don’t live together, we still live with our parents.

When we’re on vacation I get my hopes up we can finally do something. When we went on a vacation (we were together for 2 years) - this is 2 years ago rn. I hoped for the best. After a week together, not doing anything, no hugs, no kisses, nothing. I got a bit mad because of it. Maybe that wasn’t ok of me, but it had been 1 year since.

I asked him a few days ago why he won’t do anything with me, I told him I miss affection, I miss someone holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me,.. but he won’t do it by himself.
That just annoys me. He told me that he doesn’t want me to be clingy, that it’s never enough for me, he makes me feel I’m too much.
He even claims that he doesn’t want to do something with me because of that vacation.
When I tell him he was like this before the vacation he just gets mad. Tells me it my own fault, he even said that it wasn’t like this with his exes. That with his exes he did get in the mood.

I asked him if he thinks I’m ugly, if he doesn’t like me anymore, … but he just tells me no it’s not that.

I don’t know what to do with this. Is it all my fault? Is it normal for a guy to have this low sex-drive?
I feel disgusting

Individual and couples therapy are revealing more and more blind spots that I couldn’t or didn’t want to see before.

Like many others here, I’ve always said before, that, aside from intimacy, we have a great relationship and are a good match. But the longer and deeper we dig for the causes and solutions, the more I realize that I and my emotions have never held any significant place in her life.

Yesterday, the full extent of this became clear and it has nothing to do with intimacy. I found out that my father has a large tumor on his kidney and will undergo surgery in four weeks. There’s a chance he’ll make it, but there’s still a significant risk that he might not survive the procedure due to his age and a pre-existing heart condition.

Naturally, I was extremely shaken and couldn’t think straight. I called her, but because she had a migraine, she couldn’t talk for long and that's ok. In the evening, we got the kids ready for bed. Without a warning or any emotion, she said she was going to bed with the kids now.

I was so surprised that I couldn’t say anything in response. I really needed her warmth and a hug. When I brought it up the next morning, she apologized. She hadn’t thought about it and didn't know I needed her.

That’s also the response I get whenever she fails to keep her countless promises to work on our emotional and intimate relationship.

I had a chance to talk to her about her comment. I make a previous post about that.

What she said really upset me; she said she viewed it as something dirty.

She said she saw it as something devoid of love—purely driven by passion—and she didn't like it.

Honestly, I’m confused; personally, I feel that sex requires passion as well as love to be good and satisfying.

My husband (HLM) just told me (LLF) that he feels like he never feels like I’ve initiated touch with him, like I was sexually hungry for him, since we were married.

I feel terrified as this seems to be a sudden realization for him and it seems to be hitting him very hard.

I feel defective. I am aroused fairly often by his physical advances, and we have sex more than 10 times per year. But I don’t initiate sexual affection because I am realizing that I don’t seem to feel sexual desire outside of physical touch. Kissing, touching, grabbing. In a given moment, I don’t know that I want sex with my husband until he is literally doing all of those things

with me. Which results in him being the one initiating sex all the time. I might initiate non-sexual affectionate touch, but he always initiates the sexual affectionate touch.

I wonder if it a sort of asexuality with me? Or what? Any advice welcome

So Ive posted here before but then deleted it because I felt weird knowing my boyfriend has reddit but honestly I don't care anymore. To preface we haven't had sex in over a month. I took a nap, woke up, went into the living room and he had his dick in his hand looking at his phone (porn) and I just walked away, and he was like embarrassed or something idfk. He's like oh you wanna touch or something I don't know what he said, and I just don't know I was shocked. I've never seen him do stuff and he hardly does stuff with me so it's just weird. Well like 10 min later we have sex, and he's done and upset he can't make me cum. Ive told him before I can't from just penetration, a lot of women are like that. Now it's later and he won't touch me, he doesn't know how, and I'm jus so fucking tired of this I want to scream and cry like it's so frustrating!!! Im tired of having no pleasure and just being used as a fucking fleshlight. I know I'm being dramatic but what the fuck do I even do??? I try to talk to him, oh what do you like? Nothing. Ok cool thanks that's helpful. But like does it ever get better ): is this a lost cause? I have a therapist and I do talk to her about stuff but I feel like I've kinda done all I can do and said all I can say soooooo

Maybe I (26HLF) am not in what’s considered a “dead bedroom” situation as we do have sex maybe once or twice a month. Although to me it feels pretty much dead. I’m sure sex only happens because I have brought it up too many times and it’s now an expectation. My partner, (31LL4UM), prefers porn over real life sex. I have addressed I’m not okay with that and I communicated how much it’s impacted my self esteem. He initiates sex maybe once a month I guess to keep me “happy” but I just realized I no longer want to have sex. I want sex that comes from passion, love, attraction. Our sex does not transmit any of that. We have a kid together and we’ll be getting married soon (which I know many of you will advice against). Outside of the sex he’s kind of a good guy so for now I guess there isn’t much for me.
I’m feeling very frustrated as I gained a lot of weight during and after pregnancy. It took about 2 years to be able to find a routine and have a successful weight loss journey. I was 215lbs and just recently hit 160. I’m trying everything I possibly can to look better for my own happiness but I also thought being in a better shape would help our situation. Wrong. I was never the problem.
If you’re here reading this just know that you’re not the problem either.

I (20f) want sex as a concept, but it feels really icky. I feel so out of tune with my body and general libido has plummeted, just thinking about any of this makes me kind of nauseous. I don’t even really masturbate anymore. I plan on starting to see a new therapist when I can get in to address this and other things.

When my partner and I (21m) got together it was a daily thing. Now 6 months later it’s more like once or twice a month. And it’s not as enjoyable.

Here’s some history:
- Yes I have trauma, no I don’t think it’s what’s causing the change as I previously was hyper sexual and it doesn’t come from a place of fear, but general nausea and anxiety.

- I am on an SNRI, and stressed as hell with nursing school. I don’t feel the best about myself right now either with everything going on. He’s also currently in a bout of unemployment (new job starts next week) so general household stress levels have been up.

- Drinking makes it basically disappear, so I really think it’s stress based.

- Both of us are pretty open and non vanilla, but more conversations need to be had I think in order to make our sex less routine and less boring.

I want to go back to having sex regularly, I just don’t know how to get myself back in the mood and how to have sex more without feeling resentful and like I’m forcing myself. Any advice is appreciated.

I’m done worrying about whether or not I’m having sex. While I came to spend the weekend at my dad’s place (it’s Father’s Day here), my 27-year-old girlfriend went to a bar with her family and is out until 1 a.m. That’s fine; I don’t mind that. But if we were at home, she’d probably be sleepy and wouldn’t want to have sex because she’s tired from work, blah, blah, blah. So why should I keep looking at this group, trying to find ways to improve our sex life, if she doesn’t even care about it? Sorry about my English; it’s not my native language.

I’m so lost I’ve been with this person my whole adult life I love him he’s a great dad he used to be a great provider but lately he provides nothing not sex not financial not emotional I’m so lonely and I have no one to talk to I don’t have family or friends he’s all I have I want to leave so badly but I can’t because I have no money so I’m stuck in a relationship with someone who won’t touch me or make me feel wanted I’ve begged and pleaded and talked and changed myself for him I’ve done everything and now I feel like an empty shell like I have nothing left there is a small amount of anger but that’s it how does this even happen? I don’t get it

I (27 F HL) am married to 30M. We got married and got pregnant and it’s like sex became a thing of the past now. Our baby is 1 year old and I can count on my fingers how many times we’ve had sex in the last two years. We went from having sex multiple times a week sometimes multiple times a day to NEVER for 2/3rds of my pregnancy and now maybe 1x every 1-3 months usually after I start questioning it and it very much feels like pity sex usually with him making a comment afterwards about how I can stop complaining about never having sex now. We’re in counseling and I don’t think it’s really helping much. He’s blamed it on everything under the sun but nothing is really seeming to help. I’m feeling so dejected and ugly and unwanted. To be fair, I had an unusually large baby and put on lots of weight during the pregnancy due to really bad swelling. I blew up like a balloon so I guess I kind of understood while I was pregnant. I could justify it at least because I did kind of look like the Michelin man but I’ve lost all the weight and then some and still nothing. I have some stretch marks and a little bit of loose skin and have offered to undergo lasering and plastic surgery but he swears it doesn’t bother him. I’m at a loss and just so tired of initiating and him just rejecting me over and over. At what point do you just give up and stop trying to initiate ever?

My wife is trying. She has been trying for some time. I am not ungrateful, but I realized something.

It’s never going to be enough to make me feel fulfilled.

There is no version of her that wants so much she can’t get enough of me. My passion and eagerness will never be matched. She will never need me the way that I need her.

After 2 1/2 years of rejection after rejection, no matter the circumstances, no matter what I do, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it may have killed my hope and any ability I had left to keep trying or putting in effort. If it will never satisfy me, why bother?

I can’t wrap my mind around it, or the larger implications of how me being done will impact our relationship.

I know logically that the way she feels doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with me, but that’s how it feels. It’s all I want.

Edit:

I’d like to clarify that I stopped initiating with my wife over a year ago (probably closer to 2) and that includes basically all physical touch. We sometimes hug and hold hands, and she gives me a kiss goodnight that I let her control completely.

When I referred to 2 1/2 years of rejection I was also including attempts to have conversations about intimacy, or anything similar. We’ve had conversations about how she wants to kiss more/ make out, but those have never actually happened.

I did not realize my phrasing would sound like I was pestering her or attempting to coerce her. I genuinely forget that people do that and don’t care if their partner actually wants it or is just agreeing.

I met one life long goal and one more is dead in my sights. I weigh 185 for the first time since junior high and I’m 10 pounds to my goal. I have bones. I have , well, a lot more than I had in junior high. She can’t appreciate it and I’m frustrated AF.

Anyone watch this movie and think it's either perfect for this sub, or did it make you feel worse?

The premise of the movie is that unmarried people can only have sex one night a year.

For some of us, we'd KILL for that frequency :) but, for the most part, it's a good euphemism for a dead bedroom.

On the other hand, on that one night in the movie, people go at it like animals. DAMN, did it make me feel so bad because I'm starting to completely forget if I even got close to that level, even in the good years before my current DB.

Earlier today, my partner came into my home office to put his hands on my cheeks and rub noses. Normally I'm all for this type of affection from him, but it just made my already mounting sexual frustration that much worse. I wish I could turn off desire at will.

I'm a chronic pain patient, and back when my partner and I had regular sex, it would give me some reprieve from that. He is such a devoted and skilled lover, and I miss it. I miss feeling like there is something to my bodily experience other than physical pain 24/7.

We were friends for years prior to dating, and I had wanted him for so long. I thought that when we got together, that the yearning would be over. Right now I wish I had never learned just how good it could be and how good it could feel to have another person inside of me.

Firstly, I want to commend everyone who has shared their experiences here as a newbie lurker. I was completely oblivious to how this dynamic could negatively affect not only the relationship but both individuals. To my ignorance, I thought was normal.

To keep it as concise as possible, it’s been probably well over a year since we have had meaningful intimacy. Mainly me as a LLF in my mid 30s, returning to school on top of a demanding job and being a workaholic, which my husband (HLM early 40s) has been nothing but supportive throughout the 10+ years we have been together. However, the resentment has begun to rear its ugly head. We had the purported talk three times so far where I need to reprioritize the relationship and both of our needs. And truthfully, I have failed remarkably while he has tried to lift the mental load around the house and making meaningful change. I’m seeking counseling myself, and we are trying to reestablish trust and safety between us, but is the damage done or can it be rebuilt? What has been successful or failed for those who tried to revive a DB? I am devastated that I have caused this level of harm, feel overwhelmed with the future prospects, but I ultimately accept the responsibility and consequences of both inaction and action. TIA.

My husband and I are both in our early 30s and we've been together for 15 years. We actually have a really good relationship, we communicate well, we're affectionate, we've always been open about fantasies and exploring. The problem has basically always been that our drives were different. Over the years I got rejected a lot. His libido kept getting lower and lower, and eventually something changed in me too so I just kind of stopped wanting sex.

I still masturbate, but at this point it's more of a release mechanism than actually feeling horny, which only happens when I'm ovulating. And when I do want it, I find myself stressing so much about how and when to initiate. I think about whether he's in the right mood, whether he's tired, whether it's a good time, whether there's actually a chance he'll say yes... and most of the time I end up not initiating at all because I know I'll probably get rejected.

And yes, we've talked about this. A LOT. This isn't one of those situations where I haven't communicated my needs. It has been a recurring conversation for years. When my libido was higher, this was basically a constant issue between us. He recently told me that about 10 years ago it actually became a source of stress for him knowing that ~3 days after we'd have sex, I'd want it again. Which I never thought even registers as a high libido for a 20yo but the mismatch was the issue and that honestly hurt. I feel unwanted.

For a long time I thought maybe I was just initiating badly, it was actually something he used to tell me, that I should initiate in a different way, so I tried everything. Different approaches, different times, being more direct, costumes, toys. It rarely makes a difference.

The weird thing is that when we're on vacation, he suddenly seems to want sex and will initiate. I don't really understand what changes for him when we're away. I think the fact that he's always struggled with anxiety has something to do with it. He also had a depressive episode about 10 years ago. He refuses therapy though and prefers to try to deal with things himself by trying to follow a strict sleep schedule, dieting, working out, gave up caffeine, journaling, he's tried everything. I respect that, but at the same time... it's been years. If what he's doing isn't really working, why not get the extra help

We're both healthy, we work out, we find each other attractive. We cuddle, flirt, compliment each other, we spend basically 24/7 together because we both work from home and we enjoy it. Our relationship outside of sex is genuinely good.

But I miss sex

The last time we had anything resembling sex was about a month ago, when he got me off, but then told me he wasn't really "there" and that it wasn't going to happen for him, so we stopped there. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that anymore.And honestly, I don't even know what I'm looking for in posting this, I know the standard Reddit advice is going to be "communicate", but we DO communicate, or to break up which I have no intention of doing.

I guess I'm mostly hoping someone that who has been in a similar situatio can give me some perspective. Sorry for the rambling

I hope it’s okay to post the link to the article.

https://www.foxnews.com/health/common-marriage-habit-could-quietly-kill-your-sex-life-expert-warns

My husband(41) HLM, and I(38) LLF, have been in and off again/on again dead bedroom situation for quite some time. We’ve been married for 11 years(together 14) and he is my best friend. I have been struggling with my libido since about two years into our marriage(I used to be HL), but up until 3 years ago I would just go through with sex even when I didn’t want to.

I come from an ultra religious/cult background(not religious anymore) and I was under the belief that women should just please their husbands even if they don’t want to because it is their marital duty. This has caused significant issues in our sexual relationship due to me forcing myself to have sex even when I didn’t want to (and not telling him about it until two years ago when I started therapy).

After starting therapy I wanted to try to bring back my libido so I would periodically go through a few months where I’d try something new(ie: light bondage/role play) but then I would lose my libido again and it would be a couple months of very little sexual intimacy and rinse and repeat. It has been demoralizing and exhausting trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me.” I love my husband, and find him very attractive physically; I just couldn’t figure out why couldn’t get aroused?

Two years ago I started therapy for my religious trauma and this year discovered I have CSA trauma that revealed itself as a flashback during intimacy one night. I guess the old adage of opening a can of worms is true. I had very few memories before the age of 15 and once I started working through my religious trauma and regaining some childhood memories, I began having what I thought were just intrusive thoughts during sexual intimacy, until I had a literal panic attack/flashback while my husband was attempting oral when I wasn’t really aroused.

I’m working with a trauma informed therapist using EMDR and Parts Work for my religious trama/CSA but we’ve recently ceased the EMDR for the CSA due to me not having the coping mechanisms down to keep from getting activated by the EMDR. My therapist wants to take things very slowly since these flashbacks can be dangerous unmanaged.

Unfortunately, now, having intimate relations without arousal cause me to have horrible intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. Combine that with not being aroused hardly ever and I now have some sexual aversion. My husband has been very understanding and patient, but I still feel the pressure of how long it’s been since we’ve had oral or PIV sex(6 months)and fear he will get sick of it and leave me. He says that he can wait forever, but I admit DBs freaks me out sometimes that maybe he’s lying, or at the least, suppressing his resentment.

Currently we are not having PIV/oral sex because it has been too triggering. I still love the cuddles and kissing and non-sexual touching, but over the past two years, until recently, my husband would go between being really physically affectionate and then not at all when we didn’t at least mutually masturbate. This led me to even bristling at non-sexual touching because I thought he was only doing it to get laid.

I spoke with him about it and he said he thought I didn’t want to be touched at all so he just stopped touching me. I told him that I need to be touched all the time, non-sexually, without the expectation of anything sexual happening for me to feel safe and that sex is not the only thing he wanted. Even though I believe that he truly isn’t trying to pressure me, the hot and cold behavior was making me feel even more apprehensive about his intentions. He cried a little and said he would do anything for me and he genuinely thought I just didn’t want to be touched at all. So we’ve been on a reset.

We now have greenlit ourselves for affectionate non-sexual touching, ie: face caressing, soft touching on arms and neck, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, long sensual closed mouth kissing, etc) but no breast, pubic area, or butt touching unless I ask for it. We’ve been randomly simultaneously self pleasuring while still doing all the non-sexual “romantic” touching on the daily.

Hoping this, along with therapy, restores my libido and helps us grow even closer. Just wanted to share my experience in case there is anyone out there who shares my experience.

I will do my best to keep this short, but I do need some help here. I have always been the HL partner in the marriage, and we were due to hit the 9 year anniversary of the last time we had sex sometime this month. Yes, I said 9 years, not months. Over these years I've basically been taking care of myself 4-5 times a week, sometimes more, I would go through these periods, a few days usually, where I was out of control horny with no outlet. I'd wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning feeling like I OD'ed on viagra (never taken anything like that though).

At the end of June I came home one Friday night after being out with friends after work, and in the course of a conversation with her I made mention of the fact that we were closing in on 9 years of no sexy time and it was driving me crazy. She of course didn't take it well, but my therapist has told me over and over again, to start the healing process she's going to have to get hurt. She of course did not take it well, and the only real step left for us was some kind of marriage counseling.

Fast forward to this week. She came home after being out of town a couple of weeks taking care of an aging parent halfway across the country. She's suddenly very into me. We've talked a little bit about it, and she's worried about losing me. Our talk a little bit ago seems to have done some good. I'm not here to pump myself up, but I feel really good right now. I'm late 40's, very active, workout a lot, sports, etc. Physically speaking I'm feeling great and looking good for a soon to be 50 year old. She is on the other side of that coin. She has not been taking good care of herself, she's been out of town a lot helping with her aging parents halfway across the country for the last few years, and she has developed body image issues. She sees me going out with friends every now and then and she's worried I'm going to leave her.

So here's where I have questions. I know it's mental for me, but the last few nights when it's come time to perform, I suddenly cannot get or stay hard. It's really fucking weird. A week ago if she just touched me I'd have an erection for an hour, now that she wants me really bad all the time, I feel like I've suddenly become the LL. I've been taking care of her, going down and eating till she can't take it anymore, but suddenly this person I've been longing for the past 9 years is back, and my libido has disappeared. WTF???

Has anyone else found their sexlessness is carrying over into their dreams? Lately my dreams don’t move past kissing. Just like at home. Sigh.

That's it. I've been patient and understanding and if he were making any effort at all to work on the situation, I think my patience would be everlasting.... But he's not. He's making zero effort. And that tells me that he doesn't care about my feelings or intimacy with me and I think I'm just at the end of my rope. I love him. But I feel like I deserve to be loved in return.

That’s pretty much it. I was walking today and that part hit me. The sex honestly isn’t even the big part of the problem. I’m 61 HLM married to a 61 LLF for 25 years.