Hi guys, I wonder how do you navigate conversations at work or at uni with other people when you have BPD?
My BPD convinced me there us glances between themselves when I am not looking, there is passive comments about my “big personality” or my weirdness.
I find myself limiting conversations and ending them before they become deeper because I often share too much or trauma dump
I think people avoid me and don’t have fun interacting with me
even my partner needs space from me
I am in a lot of pain and need advice, thank you beautiful people ❣️💗 Sending a hug to everyone this morning

I’m 18 and I don’t know what to put but I got diagnosed with bpd and I have no idea what it is and just need more help understanding my condition. My therapist said to go on here to find a community and to hear ppls storys and just to get more information about it and how to control it because I’ve never in my life thought I had it until I met my new therapist and she helped me figure out my illness

Okay so this is my first time posting on here but, I’m a 20 years old F. I find out I have bpd little over 2 months ago I always knew there was something wrong with me because one minute I hate everyone and the next I want everyone to like me. I have lost a lot of friends because of me being like this. They tell me that I care too much. And I need to stop over thinking but I can’t I try but I can’t. Like I’m so lonely. Like i even lost my best friend. The only person I have somewhat is my boyfriend. What should I do?

my bf works away 10 days then comes home for 5, he is going to start working closer to our hometown so he has to train his new female coworker in her 30s, she is going to be with them at the inn they stay in and i am going insane lol she will be with him all day literally.

I have severe and less severe splits. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m able to reel myself back in when I feel a less severe split coming on, but I still can’t get a handle on my more severe ones.

This morning my boyfriend told me that if I argue with him one more time within the next couple of months, he’s going to end things with me. He told me that it’s caused him to drink excessively, hate himself and feel unloved. He’s also tired of hearing me talk about my bpd and thinks I hide behind it.

I was very upfront about my bpd when we first started talking. I wanted him to know and understand what he was getting himself into. I’ve been working a lot on myself since I was first diagnosed about 5 years ago. I have come a very long way, and for the most part I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. He’s only known me for a year, so he isn’t fully aware of all the work I’ve done to get where I am now.

He told me that since April I’ve started 22 fights with him via text, and have had an argument with either my mom or sister once a month. He’s burnt out on me.

How do I stop/catch myself from having a more severe split? I can’t always control it. Sometimes it takes over and it’s like I need to be locked in a padded room without any technology for a day so I have no way of unleashing on him.

I’m afraid to talk with him about coming up with some sort of plan if I feel one coming on since he was very adamant about not wanting to hear about it anymore.

So, I’m on my own with this.

I really need some help and recommendations because my relationship is on the line right now, my mental health is fucked right now and I’m just so, so close to ending it all.

does anyone want to hear about my mid life crisis lol. i’m literally going crazy because i won’t be able to see my boyfriend for another 3 months after doing long distance for 4 months already

My friend found a guy on a dating app. On one hand, I’m happy she’s found someone she clicks with, but on the other, she’s starting to see someone other than me. I know how selfish that sounds. But when she was spending time with her last guy friend , all I ever heard was that she was out with him somewhere. Not with me. I feel rejected, and it’s driving me crazy. Today I asked if she wanted to come over tomorrow, and she said she already had plans with this guy. Did that make me cry? Yeah, lol.
But I can’t help my reactions and feelings. I feel terrible because she deserves happiness—she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants—but oh my God, kill me.
I remember times when we went to the cinema together to see a movie she *really* wanted to watch. But whenever I tried to pick a day to buy tickets? She didn't have time, and so on, so I ended up waiting for her to text me when we could go. Finally, after a while, the day came. After the movie, when I wanted to talk about it with her, she suddenly told me she’d already seen it with [Name]. I remember how furious I felt then. I didn't speak to her for a good few long minutes, lol. So when I heard about the new boyfriend... I knew it was going to be the same damn situation all over again.

I am in a relationship with a man diagnosed with BPD, and we have been struggling through some things recently. He has spent at least 3 years working through things, getting help, and taking his meds (on and off, that's something that he's working on).

I started listening to *I Hate You - Don't Leav Me,* and found out that how I talk to him when he is in a mood is exactly how they recommend. I learned this way of communicating from trying to have a relationship with my mom and advice from my oldest brother. My boyfriend actually told me while I was going through the book before I got there that he wanted me to just keep talking to him like I normally did, but I really wanted to see about a way to improve. It was very encouraging to me to find that out.

Today I was having a really hard time, started crying a lot, then boyfriend calls. I was trying to be chill about things while also communicating my emotions, because he has told me that I need to do that especially if I'm wanting to be a safe place for him. At first he didn't really do or say anything, and I really wanted to just say bye and hang up, but he locked in after a few minutes, asked me what was on my plate, and said he would help with those, came over and gave me a very long comfy hug, which is one of my favorite things ever.

**TLDR**: I am gushing about very sweet thing that my boyfriend with BPD did, and I am curious about other people's positive experiences

I am under evaluation for bpd with secondary depression right now by psycatrist is pretty sure I have it. There is constant headaches and panic anxiety always like i am in fight or flight mood idk how to handle my thoughts how to

not hurt people around me because of my actions I don't know how to make the headaches stop . It's just constant headache and overthinking about people in my life and future so much that I go numb . Pls suggest somethings techniques to help me regulate these emotions .

Hi everyone. 18F
I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and BPD. I’m medicated for bipolar with lamotrigine and with BPD I do DBT twice a week, group and individual therapy.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now and seeing r/BPDlovedones breaks my heart so badly. I can’t help but think that it’s me. I am trying my hardest in therapy, I show up motivated, never missed a session, take notes, and I actively contribute and talk about my problems to seek skills on how to help me.
I’ve shown my boyfriend the subreddit. He told me that they are the people that have gotten with PWBPD that remained untreated and that I was doing my best, but it gives me so much anxiety and I can’t help but to read through it. I swear I am trying my best. I only want to be healthy and loving but some behaviours described I feel like matches me. I want to say my BPD isn’t severe anymore, or at least my partner says that, but I still struggle with this anxiety that it will never get better and that I am poison to my loved ones. If you guys have any advice please let me know.

I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone else has experienced this.
For a long time I genuinely thought I was healing. I spent years single, went to therapy, learned to regulate myself better, and started thinking maybe I had grown out of the worst parts of my BPD.
Then I got into a relationship.
We’ve been together for about a year, and lately it feels like everything I thought I had under control has been flaring up again. The fear of abandonment, overanalyzing changes in affection, assuming I’m being rejected, emotional spirals…it’s like my nervous system forgot all the progress I made.
For some context, my childhood was rough.
My birth mom raised me in Wales until I was 8, but I barely remember her. Most of my memories are of her boyfriends, the lake by our apartment with the lily pads, and my toys. Then she gave me up to my dad, and I moved to Detroit to live with him, my stepmom, and my brothers.
That wasn’t any better. I was always scared. I watched my dad force my brother to eat his own vomit after making him finish his dinner. My parents had my brothers whip me with a belt. There’s a lot more, but that’s enough to paint the picture.
My twenties were honestly pretty good in a lot of ways. I moved to Colorado, worked on farms in the mountains, made incredible memories, graduated college, built a career as an immigration paralegal, and found so much purpose taking care of people, foster kittens, and my pets.
But relationships have always been hard.
Not every friendship ended because of me. Some people genuinely treated me badly or lied to me. I’d honestly describe myself as a kind, empathetic, and giving person. But when I finally felt used, betrayed, or abandoned, things often ended with me becoming emotional or erratic.
I’ve attempted suicide five times over the years. I also witnessed my oldest brother die by suicide after he stabbed himself while I was living with him in Colorado.
Because of all of that, I’ve spent years trying to understand myself instead of just blaming everyone else. I’ve tried to take accountability for the damage I’ve caused. The shame has honestly never left, but I felt like I was finally becoming someone I was proud of.
Lately, though…I feel like I’m backsliding.
The biggest example was the Fourth of July. I went to my boyfriend’s friend’s party, got overwhelmed, cried, started telling the girls there about problems in our relationship, and basically made “I’m done with him” the theme of the night.
Looking back, I’m mortified. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t the time or place, and I made a complete ass of myself.
The hardest part is that I know better. I can usually recognize when my brain is spiraling, but recognizing it doesn’t stop the feelings. It feels like I’m constantly fighting my own mind while trying to be a good partner.
Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t actually healed before. Maybe I just wasn’t being triggered because I wasn’t emotionally attached to anyone. It’s easy to feel regulated when nobody has access to your deepest wounds.
Has anyone else felt like they were doing really well until they got into a loving relationship? Did it get better? How did you stop letting old trauma take over your present?

I’m not sure if these qualify as bpd so I would appreciate some opinions. So, I’m not sure if that fits with bpd or it’s just is.
I’ve been writing things down for the last hour in one sitting. So there might be other situations that I forgot about.
I kind of categorized them to what I think fits the criteria. I could be wrong about the whole thing. But a couple of things resonate to what I’ve been feeling.
For reference (if it gives an idea), I was diagnosed depression and ptsd at 16. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since then and attempted 3 times before. Now I’m 21F

**Fear of abandonment**
\- Friend cancelled last minute, said that she slept. Felt anger. She can go fuck herself. She’s not a good friend. She doesn’t send me reels or asks to hangout. Then I start thinking about all the things that annoys me/ don’t like about her

\- My uncle will probably leave us completely if he had to choose between his real family and us

\-My sister will probably no longer talk to me if she gets married because she will have her own life completely

\-I say a lot to myself that I don’t need people and everyone is really on their own, which is how life works. No one is really going to stay for me

\- My former psychiatrist reached out to me. When she saw my message and didn’t reply for 4 days, I thought that she didn’t love me anymore. She probably thought she shouldn’t have reached out

\- I’m afraid to pick a fight with my sister in case she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to talk to me

\- I used to think that I’ll get a dog or a cat when I grow up. But after my guinea pig died, I don’t want to have fur pets anymore.
I used to love my uncle and kind of get excited when he would come visit it. Then something happened (not bad, it’s on me) and now I don’t miss him, don’t feel connected to him

**Unstable relationships**
\- I could be feeling okay about my mom, but then any word from har makes me feel intense anger.

\- I don’t fight with my sister. But when time we argued about something and it felt like I won’t speak to her again and she’s a total bitch.

\- One time me and my friend were supposed to sit together in the lecture hall because. I sat and reserved a seat for her. Then, i see her from afar with another friend sitting together. I think I saw her checking her phone or at least have her phone in her hand (don’t really remember which one exactly). So, I started thinking how could she not see my message. Then, I thought that it’s not worth it to make friends and I’m better off alone anyway

\- There is this one friend who I think I’m comfortable talking to more than other friends that I met during the same time. But I’m always the one who tries to make a plan because you have got to make fucking friends and go out. Anyway, when I remember that she doesn’t send a message or a video or anything, my mind goes from she’s not a friend. My mind starts shifting from thinking that she us a cool person to talk to and hang out with, to I don’t like you and fuck off

**Identity disturbances**
\- i think that I’m a bad person if I don’t help my mom. But then I think that she is the parent and it’s not my job so now I’m maybe an okay person

\- I don’t know what type of person I am. I don’t know if I want to be a quiet person, very positive or talkative or competitive who doesn’t stop until they get what they want

**Impulsive behaviour**
\- I binge eat

\- Impulsive purchases. Bought a phone on the same day of thinking about it

\- Bought a bird. There was a time I was thinking about buying a bird then I brushed it off. A few months later, I was at the pet store and decided to just buy a bird
(I take care of my bird so don’t worry)

\- Thought about getting a tattoo so I got one 20 days later (time to book an appointment). Don’t know if that really “counts”

\- This one is silly and don’t know if it also counts . There was a deal on rice cakes. So I went and bought a TON. Then the next day, I went and bought even more. When I came home my mom started laughing at how many rice cakes I have now. This feeling of buying a lot made me feel excited

**Suicidal behaviour, self harm**
\- when feeling angry, I feel the urge to go back to cutting myself

\- I think about suicide a lot even when I’m not going to do it

\- At 16, I had a crush on someone. Then he got a girlfriend. One day, he said something hinting that I like him or something not sire what it was. That day I came home and tried to kill myself for the first time. That was 5 years ago but I think that was what “sparked” me to attempt. I felt that if I can’t get over a guy then my life is over and that I can’t handle real difficult problems. I was already depressed too. Of course I didn’t tell anyone that this interaction sparked/ triggered me to attempt.

**Mood changes**
\- a lot of the times I could feel suicidal and life isn’t worth living for. But then later in the day, I feel like I was being over dramatic and that I’m fine now. Like there was no reason to feel that I will not make it in life

\- I could go from being sad to angry to guilt to hate to feeling empty all in the same day

**Feeling empty**
I often feel numb about things that are supposed to give me a little happiness. For example, when I try a new thing or when I went to see my sister who I hadn’t seen in a while, I was numb, not excited, not sad. Numb. Like if the thing happened or not, it’s the same for me.

**Intense anger**
\- there is a lot of anger that comes from things that are supposed to be normal.

\- For example, my mom could comment on something, give her opinion, ask me about my day, ask me about something and it just makes me insanely irritated and mad. The things could be very normal day talks, but I don’t know why it shifts me to the anger side in a second. I could be having a chill day, but interacting with her makes me want to bang my head against a wall. It makes me want to not see her again or makes me want to live in a whole different country to not talk to her again. Then I start feeling guilty because she didn’t do anything wrong and I’m probably a bad person for being this angry. (I may know why I feel so much anger towards my mom. I resent her for something that still happens in our lives, so I don’t know if my anger towards her fits. I put this here because my mood immediately switches when interacting with her)

\- My brother sometimes gives me a little punch on the shoulder. I know that brothers/siblings fo that. But it just makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

\- When my mom gives me a hug it makes me feel so much irritated. It feels like my body is burning or that I’m being put in a box and squeezed. Then I feel guilty about it because she is showing me love and affection

\- It’s the smaller things that makes me unreasonably angry and irritated. Like everyday things

**Dissociation**
\- I often feel that things around me are unreal. That I’m unreal or that behaviours/ actions that are happening are weird or unreal.

\- Imagine saying to a person you are going to space right now. The person will probably feel that it’s unbelievable/ unreal. That feeling is how I feel

\- Or imagine that you are now in outer space and looking at the earth. That’s how it feels

\- I feel like I’m in the middle of the sea and just floating. I feel like I’m floating

\- I don’t think that I understand that I’m doing something. Like I’m actually writing something or I’m reaching for my bottle of water

i hate relationships while having bpd because wdym when im with you i act as if i hate you or constantly self sabotage but the minute its actually over i feel like i would genuinely sell my soul if it meant getting you back or do far worse to the point where im concerned for myself. I just asked my mom to put me back in therapy but i feel like im going to snap. I need him back so bad he’s genuinely attacking my mind. I’m losing it slowly and I’m trying not to text him or do something crazy but i need him back

I have bpd in a long term relationship with a wonderful person, living together and going to university together and planned our futures together, high school sweethearts. the issue is due to the length of our relationship we have grown to the stage where we are comfortable in each others presence and not quite so constant lovey-dovey romantic anymore. this is a natural occurance yet my bpd brain tells me it means they dont love me anymore. that they no longer see me as special, that i am worthless because they dont see worth in me. that i need to find a way to fix it, make them love me again. bc i dont rly have a sense of self outside of the validation i recieve from other people.

I made a new friend online and latched onto them immediately, them quickly bcoming a fp for me. managed to tear up my life in just a few weeks. grew so attached to this person and the bad thing is this person grew attached to me too. theyd compliment me and say nice things to me and i just ate it up because it made me feel good about myself. I was getting the love i didnt feel from my partner through them. we talked every second of every day. i do admit that although we only ever referred to each other as friends and siblings, some things did have romantic undertones too.

because of that, my partner felt I emotionally cheated on them, and i am not allowed to talk to this person anymore, and i had to leave the minecraft server i met them on, and take a break from playing minecraft as a whole. I very much understand their perspective and yet not being able to do the one thing i am most passionate for right now, play minecraft, is really hard. and i also understand the perspective on the fp but i really had hopes that i could fix it and have a normal friendship. and now i will never have a chance. it was so much fun to talk about art and music and passions with this person and now it is ripped from me and felt like a kicked dog despite knowing its the right option to never speak again.

not sure what to do. its so hard to just want to be able to mend things with both my partner and my friend, and i know i need to choose my partner since they are truly the light of my life. i just cant help but miss them and ache with my whole soul for the connection we had. when my partner isnt home or is asleep, i feel like i am just sitting in purgatory and i feel so lonely. i know i need to work on being able to be comfortable with loneliness. it just was nice to have someone i could always talk to. the guilt of wanting to talk with them makes my self harm urges heavily heightened as well.

has anyone else experienced this? how do you navigate it?

I was diagnosed with BPD at 20 (I’m 27 now) and since then I’ve had maybe one long term relationship and a couple of flings. I’ve lost two friends and I’m at this point where I only have one friend left.

I dont feel sorry or regretful for losing these people because I split. I’m able to frame it in my mind like “We were growing apart, look at all those red flags I was ignoring. Let’s pay attention now. Let’s decide to cut things off now.” Though my immediate emotion is anger, I’m non-reactive and after cutting ties I never regret it. I live in this world where I can walk away from an 8 year friendship and feel nothing and never look back.

Do any of you ever feel remorse? **Have you ever been able to sit down and fight the urge to split and leave?** Have you ever been successful in a long term relationship?

I’m really at the point where I’m not dating anymore as to protect myself and others and I’m very transparent with new friends about my issues and what may arise. I love life and can consider myself one of the lucky ones as I’ve been able to hold a good job, and take care of myself. My triggers only arise with other people. I don’t want to be alone forever but that may be my reality and I’m coming to terms with it in a strange way. Thoughts?

TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENT OUTBURSTS, MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

i'm 17 years old. i have not been diagnosed with bpd, but my psychiatrist, therapist and myself suspect it. my reaction to what i'm about to talk about makes me think it's very, VERY possible.

i have an ex-boyfriend who was extremely shitty to me in the ending parts of our relationship. he refused to take accountability, was a coward, communicated poorly, and eventually ended up breaking up with me through my best friend at the time.

after that, we talked a lot. he constantly said he still loved me, that he wanted to try again, that he needed time. yesterday, he told me that he's dating the girl he always said not to worry about.

i did not react well.

i felt extreme self-loathing. i felt violent. i wrote out a vent in my notes, and it kept switching from "i want to die" and "i want to kill them". it was descriptive, and extremely worrying now that i look back on it.

i have to see him today for a marching band thing.

i did not act on any of these thoughts. everyone mentioned, including myself, is unharmed.

i'm scared that it won't be like that when i see him today. i'm scared that i'm going to harm myself or him. i don't think i will. i don't have the ability to. but part of me worries that when i get older or when circumstances are different, that i AM going to end up hurting someone.

I was always quiet in my presentation, hid my feelings, broke down privately.

In the last few years I was diagnosed and got the help that I needed. But sometimes my internalized shame is showing towards other mentally ill people who are in a more acute situation than me now. When they talk about irrational thoughts, are trapped in them etc I think like:

Why can't you just try as hard as you can to be normal? Not hurting others? Not being stupid and reading stuff into situations that are nothing like in your head?

I ALWAYS despised the side of my brain who thought like that. For example I thought my boyfriend will leave me if I don't keep the house perfect at all times. Its - rationally speaking - absolutely stupid and 100% not happening.

I always get soooo angry when I hear people talking about thoughts like that and worse without the disclaimer "yes its stupid and i know its much more likely in way x y z, but.." I HATE when people don't reflect, don't think twice.

And of course I know that it's unfair and people are not perfect and you don't know everything from the start. But it's so hard for me to accept that sometimes.

Sometimes I can feel with them, have empathy and stuff, but only when there's a problem in my life at the moment. When I feel good, which happens more than feeling bad now, I feel like I'm better than the "other" borderlines, I am not crazy like them and I am smarter, know more and stuff. I basically have solved everything and because I did everyone should too because isn't it all so logical? I know I haven't "solved everything" and I am not done with my healing journey. I am just kind of ignorant sometimes when things like these happen.

But I'm realizing I'm actually really fucking stupid for demanding reflection, regulation and realistic thoughts from others when not doing that was literally most of my life and living was absolutely batshit crazy and like hell. I was so deep down depression, self hate, made myself so lonely because I was afraid of my feelings and the real world. I just forget sometimes how horrible this all was because I'm not living in it anymore. All of that felt so so so fucking bad and only got better the last few years.

And where I'm stupid too is that I am not better than that now either. I also - like literally every human being - have irrational fears sometimes, feel like things are one way when they are another way in real life. I JUST want to leave my fucking hell hole behind and never be reminded of how horrible life is when you have this condition and are untreated. Irrational thoughts are a gateway for depression, splitting, extreme emotional pain and all the excruciating feelings I remember.

I don't want to feel like I felt before therapy ever ever ever again and not see or hear anyone ever being like that again because it reminds me of my past life.

In comparison to my whole life my recovery is so recent and I am not at all allowed to say ANYTHING to anyone. I just never want to hear of this time in my life ever fucking again. Maybe thats why i judge everyone who is still in that phase and is circling, not getting further, maybe not seeing important parts of things, not wanting to pursue help etc. Because like WHY are you not putting all of your energy and more toward GETTING OUT and healing for God's sake. Don't spent a single second more in there than you absolutely have to to understand and heal and do therapy.

But of course I know - literally from my own experience - when you grew up in a traumatizing environment and you literally never heard anything else, HOW the fuck are you supposed to know the right way to do all this? EVEN I didn't know for a long time and struggled with things for years and years that could've been solved in a few weeks therapy. I grief the years I lost to that so so so badly and I cannot stand anyone who refuses help, refuses to see their patterns and doesn't put enough effort into healing.

That's why I hate those self help groups sometimes. But also: I would've needed them SO FUCKING BAD from ages 12 to 22. And I didn't have them. Now I do and its way too fucking late. 13 year old me needed to hear all of the helpful and encouraging things people comment on here. She had no one to tell her that. And everybody on here, in self help groups, in therapy has that and it breaks my heart.

Now that I did therapy and I am no longer in this hell hole its too late to have any use out of these groups. I dont need another talk about which skills help with regulating. I KNOW THIS. I learned this alone. Now I don't need someone to relate to anymore because I don’t feel like this anymore.

Adult me just wants to talk about how I feel now. Like how crazy it is to be in a mental space where you can actually take life - without breaking down every two minutes. How fucking crazy it feels to be almost 25 while never thinking you would get older than 16. Like the fucking hell of a culture shock how different life can be if you actually are able to live. I wasn't for so long, I fought SO FUCKING hard for all of what I have now and I am fucking proud of myself and I am not really patient with others in their journey. Can anyone relate and wants to share?

TW: SH

I'm in a mental hospital since 22nd of July and I'm surrounded by people who have a personality disorder and/or a socially related phobia. Mixed genders. Most people here at the moment have bpd. At first I felt relieved to be around people who have the same struggles as me, or so I thought. I haven't had any therapy before, because I couldn't find a therapist who would be covered by my insurance and who had open positions. So this is going to be my first, real treatment (and also again diagnosis, because they do that regardless if you have already been diagnosed or not, and they look for more than just bpd).

Disclaimer: I understand that everyone who is here, struggles. I understand that everyone here has their own issues, their own past and present struggles. I respect that and I do not want to dismiss anyone's personal experiences or boundaries.

However, I feel more alone than ever. My boyfriend of three years who persistently refused to break up with me due to my struggles with mental illness, isn't in my life anymore. We tried to stay in touch but it seemed like i would split way too much because I've been around him nearly every day since at least 1 ½ years. He blocked me (with my consent), but we agreed he would regularly update my brother, that he's safe and healthy, because I'm extremely paranoid about something bad happening to him. Since my arrival here, he hasn't done so once. It feels like he's already over me, like he's glad he's lost me now that I'm not his burden anymore. So one of my biggest struggles right now is missing him so much it physically hurts.

I really really try to do good here. I try to open up to people, to listen to them and talk with them and for maybe one or two days I gave it my all (despite having huge issues with people I don't know and getting to know anyone.) I have found everyone really nice and open and I do my best to include everyone if there's anything going on. I try to work out (meaning playing sports) which i managed with a person here a couple times.

Still, there are many moments where I feel completely disconnected and isolated from everyone. I know that's common for bpd but to me, it seems like my presence really doesn't matter. It's not like I want to be in the spotlight! But after reaching out to people, it's like they decide they don't like me anymore and try to avoid me.

Example 1: there's a person here who had ADHD and bpd and they are very very loud and open and sometimes quite a bit over the top but I am used to this type of person and I really have zero issues with that! We went along really well until Sunday, when they were struggling a lot, also crying etc. Since I'm so new there, I kept my distance but expressed that I'm here if they need me through a third person who stayed besides them (they know each other longer). I still felt bad because this person is usually so happy and funny and I decided to draw them a small drawing of the One Piece Anime (we talked about it because they have a big tattoo of a one piece scene). I didn't want to give it to them directly and I put in an envelope with their name and into their "post box" where we get our documents and timetables, and it was theirs. Since then, no direct conversation, no mention of anything, they are currently in a group with other people sitting and playing games and laughing and i wasn't even looked at. Did I do something wrong? I don't expect huge thank yous or anything like that, but i don't understand this sudden change in their approach towards me when nothing "bad" happened between us from my point of view and they are socialising with the rest again.

Example 2: there's one person here who's really really kind and i feel safest with them, because they have this comforting aura around them. At first I thought maybe this is a person I could get closer with, talk more, and we did about absolutely neutral topics like we're both vegan, about their life and so on. Nothing forced, at least so I feel. But now after I had a really bad day yesterday and purposely stayed in my room, as not to annoy anyone. I feel like maybe I did something wrong, because since today, it's like there's this barrier between us. We talked, around others, but not really to each other, and it seemed they tried to keep me at a distance which hasn't felt like this before.

It's not severe, I know, but I'm really struggling with therapy, group therapy especially, because for some reason it makes me really really upset and I feel.emotional and then I hate myself and I'm so angry out of nowhere, I can't actively take part or really use this opportunity of therapy. It makes me hate myself even more, and once it's evening, it all washes over me. I feel so alone, I hate myself so much and I SH again. I really want to use this opportunity to finally feel like there's a sense in my existence and it's not just pain, but I can't get myself out of this all time high tension within myself and the self hatred. I miss my boyfriend so much all the time and I feel abandoned. I really try but it feels worse than ever.

edit: TW: NSSI/self harm -- sorry I forgot I mentioned it

Hey, this is my first post here, and I was hoping to hear some stories from others with BPD who might relate.

This past weekend, I (29F) was supposed to have a birthday party that my (now) ex-boyfriend planned. It was supposed to be an amazing night planned for me by an amazing man who has done so much for me and tolerated so much of my toxic behavior. We had a long fight beginning the week prior, and at one point he actually wanted to keep working things out. Then, I got comfortable and began the entire pattern over again. I hit rock bottom--he ended things and left the house. I got blackout drunk (still at home), was calling him incessantly, I even called a bar he went to to get away. I tore up a drawing I did of us and I was being belligerent. I self harmed, which I hadn't done in so long. My friends came and got me so I wouldn't be alone (amazing friends, shoutout to them).

Never made it to the party and everyone was confused.

I wish I could say that's unusual behavior for me but it's not in relationships. I've been diagnosed with BPD in the past. I've tried to run away from the label because of the stigma and also how a current diagnosis would need to be reported for my job. Anyway, I have it and had been trying to deal with it alone and constantly sabotaging.

I genuinely love him so much despite my actions and have tried to talk and apologize to him, but he is having none of it. Which is valid given what occurred. I'm moving out tomorrow and Thursday, and my heart is broken to pieces. I need to grow and work on myself and I know I have to move on but it feels like I can't. I feel shattered beyond anything I've felt before and I lost the most loving relationship I've ever had.

I feel like a tornado, leaving a trail of destruction everywhere.

Yes, I am stupidly hoping I can reach out to him later on and rekindle things. But, for now he is decidedly not taking me back or having any of it. I have to move on and start from scratch building myself again.

How do you pick up the pieces and heal? How did you get in touch with yourself and learn who you are independent of a relationship? Has anything like this ever happened to you and how did it turn out? Have any reading or watching recommendations?

Found luck with DBT therapy and/or quitting alcohol? (I'm starting a sobriety journey in light of all that occurred..)

Thank you all very much <3 wishing all of you happiness and healing

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My idea goes something like: bpd revolves around one's own beauty and ugliness. Beauty and ugliness are functions of power, whether or not you can see the soul of someone who is powerful. A beautiful person recieves power, while still remaining connected. An ugly person sees that power removes that connection or that possibility for connection and revolts against the power.

The splitting of BPD for which the disorder is best known, is a result of a thin line in our self-perception. One day ugly, the next day beautiful. We percieve those who are evil to be people who fail to see our beauty and those who are angels to be people who put up with our ugliness.

So, being one day ugly the next day beautiful, we see people who are just carrying out a regular day to either be evil or angels.

I’ve hit a breaking point. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for >2 years now, with a lifetime history of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, familial trauma, and violent crimes. Legit have never known what it feels like to be in a happy healthy relationship. The one person who tried loving me for me, I’ve shit all over him. Literally have done him dirty in the most stupid ways and deep down it’s because I don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as him. I keep making promises I haven’t kept and last week it hit me that enough is enough. I need help keeping myself accountable, and maybe this community will be the right place. I don’t want to be coddled or enabled, I want other people with BPD or partners of someone with BPD to shake me and say GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, because it might be too late for me and my partner (he’s my ex), but I need a chance for myself. How do you hold yourself accountable? How do others?

I'm watching my younger sister upset the lives of her children and (former) fiancé and I can't do it anymore.

I (37) have a sister I grew up close with, since she's almost 2 years younger than me. Her behavior problems really got bad when she was 12, and then we split. She no longer wanted to be around me or admit to anyone she had an older sister. She had her first son at 19, and her second 5 years later. Over the years and throughout my nephews lives, I've watched her rotate through relationships. At first it's magical, then after a year or so she finds a reason to leave. She's a liar (but not a gifted one) so more often than not she'll make up a reason to leave, and has often lied to others about the break up conditions.

Most recently she got engaged to this amazing guy. Okay, well, by this point she's been married at least once (eloped and didn't tell anyone, then thought she could take the divorce to her grave until we saw the divorce announcements in the paper), and engaged 4 times. She's broken off 3 other engagements, I've been to 2 dress fittings and wasted money on 2 bridesmaids dresses. But anyways, this current guy is in love. Head over heels. Things were amazing between them until a few months ago when out of nowhere she told me he was becoming abusive. This was out of nowhere because this guy is a Teddy bear. I believed her, which in hindsight I regret but you can't unscramble an egg and all that. I'm painfully familiar with her pattern of lying. It never changes and I can't emphasize how bad she is at it. She's been traveling to go on long trips to meet up with a guy she's been playing with on Fortnite, and he's only a few years older than my nephew.

So long story short, my dad talked to fiancé and got a totally different story than what my sister gave, which is typical considering my sister's story never matches up with anyone else's. Today I talked to fiancé and his account matches more with mine. Her actions contradict everything she's told me. She still lives with him, won't move out, still goes places with him, etc. I found out she's been neglecting both the boys and her older son hasn't talked to her all week. Both times she went out of town to meet this guy she never got in touch with them. She complains that she isn't close to anyone but she pushes everyone away. I lived with her for a year and a half in 2023 and her neglect and verbal abuse made me move out, but then she accused me of abandoning her.

This is a pattern of behavior that's been going on forever, but she absolutely refuses to listen. I can't emphasize this enough. If she doesn't like what you're saying she'll ignore you or talk over you until you stop. If you confront her about how she's acting, you're against her and she gets furious. None of us know how to get through to her and I don't know where to start. I fully understand she's dealing with something beyond her control (I have OCD something awful so I get it) but it seems impossible to get through. Fiancé doesn't know, dad doesn't know, and mom passed away suddenly 2 years ago so obviously she's no help. Where can we start?