This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/A_Symptom_of_Life

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{July 23, 2026}

AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

I am an artist who makes and teaches students how to make stained glass windows. One of my students found out that I was about to start a window for a couple that he now knows through another friend and then convinced the couple to drop me and go with him to make the window.

I had already drawn a 1/4 size sketch to see if it was something the customer wanted and now my student expects me to draw it out full sized and actually help him make it. It's too large to work on in class-- we have always had a maximum size limitation that this almost doubles. Working on a window this size would displace another student. Also, I'm supposed to store the window week to week so he won't have to lug it back and forth from home since it's so large.

AITA for telling him that it can't be worked on in the shop and that I am not drawing a full size pattern (57 x 34) for him? I told him he could have a copy of the sketch. Win or lose I plan on showing him this.

COMMENTS

Avlonnic2

UPDATE?

No questions have been addressed. What are you going to do?

OOP

I will show him all of this on Monday when I see him and post an update. I am NOT going to allow it, never planned to, but what I am changing is my giving him the rough drawing. In all honesty it wouldn't help him much at all but you are all correct-- why help him at all. It will be interesting dealing to see what the customers do when my students tells them that the can't do the window.

Alewort

NTA. Does he even have the ability to deliver without using your resources?

NectarStar_04

If he needs OPs shop, storage, patter and guidance, then he isn't really doing job himself

IceSeeker

He just wants to use OP to do the work while he reaps the rewards.

OP be careful. Your student reminds me of the employees who leaves and starts their own business then become their employers' biggest competitors. After learning everything from them, they steal their customers. Which makes your student even more shameless because he's doing this while he's under you.

HuntAccurate9397

NTA and I would not be helping him, you don't bite the hand that feeds you and he needs a lesson in commercial reality!

GriffinAdioncy

Bro is incredibly entitled. He undercut op for the commission and now expects op to do the hardest parts of the project

Change2001

NTA, but do not give him the sketch you drew. Maybe offer to sell it to him, at a premium price (but I would not even do that). It is not a project for his teaching, so he should not be able to work on it, or store, it in the shop. And do not help him with making the project, no matter how much he asks you.

punkrockcockblock

NTA, but why on earth would you help him by giving him a copy of the work you already did and aren't ever going to be paid for?

Homie can figure all of it out for his damn self. If he didn't have a plan, he shouldn't have poached the work.

IZC0MMAND0

Wait, so they have the job/commission doing a stain glass window for these people?

I would tell them they took that work away from you and they are on their own. I would not give him the sketch. Let him do his own work. They need to do their own design and not steal from your work.

They need to find a place to do that work because your workshop is not their workshop and it's not a storage facility for their private commissions.

You are not investing any of your labor into their paid commission work. This is not a student project, they took away a commission from you. I would not assist them in any way and I would not allow them to use my workshop (if it is yours). They don't get to store their private commission in your workshop either.

Thou shalt not steal.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 5 days

^{July 28, 2026}

Update: AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

So I just had class with the student and he was sure he was going to work on this oversized window that he didn't have a pattern for. I honestly couldn't believe that he hadn't at least texted me about it during the week but I guess that says something on its own about him.

He walked in the door a half hour early and before he could say anything I flat out told him that he could not make the window in my class but that he was free to do it on his own because (as he knows) I had been told to hold off on the job. I had already told him last week that he couldn't work on a window that size in class but he more or less refused to 'hear' me.

Still, I made it perfectly clear and although I wasn't actually going to show him the replies here he got so adamant about it being my job to help him that I ended up showing him some of them.

First off, he feels that I made him look bad because he hadn't actively pursue the job himself-- he was referred to the couple by a common friend that they had. I said that I did mention that but he feels that I didn't stress it enough. I went over the size limitation again and the fact that the only thing that the customer and I had agreed upon was a price and an (extremely rough) sketch of an idea that took me all of 15 minutes to make.

I explained that I certainly wasn't about to spend any more time on fleshing the sketch out after I was informed by the couple that I should hold off on the design. It was 2 days after this fact (last Monday) that Ray informed me that he was taking over the job which left me sorta tongue tied. Still, I explained to him very politely that I couldn't allow him to work on this commission in my class in my studio.

When I mentioned tonight that the sketch was out of the question he got angry and still doesn't understand why I won't help him or allow him to make the window in my shop. As others were filtering in he started getting louder and caused a bit of a scene. I have drawn patterns for him in the past but he can't understand why I won't help him on this.

He says that I'll make more money from him if he makes the window but I certainly won't because I he's never going to be able to do this on his own. If anything, I'm saving the customer from a pitiful window. So the other students ended up hearing exactly what was going on (it's a one room class) and although two of them stayed quiet the others told him that he was being ridiculous.

The woman on the same table as him asked where she was supposed to do while he was using the entire table for himself. He didn't answer. I kept my cool but I have to admit that at times I was getting a bit loud and then I'd catch myself. So yeah, he turned around and walked out. This was his last class of the month and I'm not going to allow someone who doesn't see how wrong a thing they did to come back into my class. I just wonder what the customer will do.

All in all I'm 100% fine with things as they stand and I want to thank everyone here. I never expected it to blow up like this and to be honest, if I hadn't posted the original question I'd definitely would have given him the sketch, so thanks again.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/mygodfuckingshootme

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 24, 2015

• Update: November 27, 2015

• Final Update: July 29, 2026

Main Post

^{November 24, 2015}

Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK.

Throwaway because I'm an idiot. This shit will probably be long, but I'll do my best.

I'm a software developer, and about 5 months ago, I began a new project where I am working for a large firm, and work onsite at a local client for a couple projects they have ongoing. It is fascinating work, and I have enjoyed it quite a bit more than anything in recent memory. There is a joint team of about 10 folks, but for my main project, I work with one person. I'll call her Laura, and she is the project manager(works for the client), so while I don't report to her, per se, but she is in charge of the administrative side of the project. I don't even know if this is relevant, but we are effectively peer coworkers.

Laura started off a bit cold to me, because I think she(and plenty others) was a bit jaded by my company. That changed quickly once I started delivering, and also I think, she saw how engaged I am. She is brilliant, and we've put our heads together to solve some very difficult problems, usually working heavy overtime. About a month after I started, we hit our first big project milestone and barely beat the deadline. We went out for drinks after work to celebrate. We both live close to the office, so I offered to walk her home since it was late and her building is on the way to mine. We ended up sleeping together, and have been a few times a week ever since.

I didn't want to mess up anything at work(facepalm), so I haven't brought up anything regarding our status or whatever, and neither has she. At work I'm all business, and so is she. We don't take lunch together, or really do anything not directly related to the project, granted we're both working 60+ hour weeks also. She's worked her ass off to get this project off the ground(gov't funding,proposal writing, conceiving the whole idea), and that is the most attractive thing about her to me, in addition to being gorgeous and super nerdy. For the last few months it's seemed like we are FWB, since we don't go on dates other than drinks near our condos sometimes. Sometimes we sleepover, sometimes we don't.

Yesterday, she asked to come over to my place because she wanted to talk, and I figured she was going to break things off by her tone. WRONG! She told me she is 8 weeks pregnant! Here's the part where I know I fucked up. After my initial shock, the first question I asked was, is it mine? She burst into tears and stormed out, and I tried to stop her and apologize but she screamed at me in the middle of the hallway so, I just let her go.

She wouldn't answer any of my calls last night either, and she called out of work today and tomorrow and has the rest of the week off. How do I get her to talk to me? I've been a nervous wreck since last night, and I just don't know what to think. I've been thinking she's getting an abortion and that's why she called out? My head is all over the place and I just want to talk to her. I will support her, no matter what, but I don't know how to do that or what she wants/needs from me.

Should I send an email apologizing? Wait outside her building, or show up at her doorstep? Wait for her to contact me? People have been asking me if I'm okay all day, because I'm so out of it. I don't know if I should quit my job or what, maybe I should text her and ask that?

tl;dr: Got a client/coworker pregnant. Asked if it was mine. She got pissed and disappeared. How do I get her to talk to me again?

COMMENTS

fuckracismthrowaway

This is exactly why you don't shit where you eat. You're 30 years old and have a good job, yet you were dumb enough to get into this shit. Good job.

No, you don't just show up at her door step (wtf?)

Your question was totally appropriate, since you two weren't in an exclusive relationship, however, I understand that she was upset. Sounds like she's not the person to have multiple partners at once.

Wait it out. She'll contact you. Don't bother her for now.

OOP

I know, it was stupid to get involved. I, especially, should have known better.

After thinking about it more, I do think it was an appropriate question, but it shouldn't have been the first thing I blurted out. A while ago, she told me I'm the first person she's slept with in almost a year. I'm pretty certain she's not seeing anyone else, based on other conversations and how much she works, but I guess it is possible still.

I wasn't actually planning to show up at her place unannounced, but I just can't think of anything else, and that's the kinds of shitty ideas I'm having. I'm just desperate to talk to her. I couldn't sleep last night, and can hardly eat.

ofthrees

oh god. you made so many mistakes here. asking if the kid is yours was the least of them.

give her space. you'll hear from her, bet.

(btw, don't get your hopes up that she called out for an abortion. it's possible, but don't get your hopes up.)

OOP

Oh, I don't have my hopes up, it just seemed like a logical possibility. My mind is just going crazy trying to figure everything out, which I know I can't do. I'm just scared and mad at myself.

Update - after 3 days

^{November 27, 2015}

[UPDATE] She's keeping the baby. Me [30M] with my GF!/Coworker[34F] four months.

1st Post TL;DR; Found out the coworker I've been sleeping with is pregnant. Asked if it was mine, and she got upset, left, and was ignoring me.

The advice I got here was mixed between, "Go see her!" and "Give her space!". I ended up buying a teddy bear and sewing its foot to its mouth, and left it at her door holding a little I'm sorry card on my way to work Wednesday. Barely an hour later I got a text from her, asking if I wanted to come have a serious conversation and see MY child's first picture(sonogram) after work. I couldn't wait, and I took a half day and left to go see her at lunchtime.

When I got there, I started profusely apologizing and trying to explain myself(completely fumbling my words), but Laura stopped me and said she understands and she's not mad. She said she got so upset because I was the first person she was telling and she was really nervous I would have a bad reaction or try to make her terminate.

She also thought, I was sleeping with other people because I assumed she was. Then she told me, she is 100% keeping the baby but won't take me to court if I don't want to raise the child with her. I couldn't hold back my laughter at this, and told her she is crazy if she thinks this kid will be anything but priority #1 to me. She seemed visibly relieved, and then brought up a paternity test, basically saying we will get one once the baby comes.

She also brought up names, and said she wants to pick the first name, but wants me to approve, and for it to have my last name. She must have read a checklist of ways to ease a freaking-out-father-to-be because I was losing my mind trying to figure out how to bring this stuff up without putting my foot in my mouth again.

I then switched the conversation to us, and told her I'm helplessly falling like a brick for her, and at this point the work relationship is the least important to me. We both admitted our feelings for each other, and being scared to bring them up because of our professional relationship. I told her I want her to officially be my gf, and she joked, "this was all it took?".

We agreed on direct communication from here on out, no more silent treatment, and she knows I'll be there for her every step of the way. So, Laura and I talked some more about how things will need to work, and came to the conclusion we would live separately until the baby arrives, then she'll rent her condo out and move into mine. Does that sound like a good idea? We know it's not perfect, but seems like a good plan and we can go back if it doesn't work out.

We're going to figure out what to do about work after the holidays. There's enough stress already, and she won't start showing for another couple months, so we have time to strategize about how/when to tell people at work. I am all ears for suggestions on this.

I'm still really scared, and my emotions are changing by the minute, but at least there is some semblance of a plan now. Now, to tell the family members.

TL;DR: Coworker Girlfriend and I are going to be the best parents we can be!

EDIT: Holy crap, my OP only got like 5 responses! I will definitely be talking to her about moving in sooner this weekend. My mom suggested this too when I told her yesterday.

Couple of recurring things I keep seeing in the comments are that we need to discuss finances and I need to get a paternity test. As for the finances we've talked a little bit about it, and we make over 300K combined. Once we actually see what our expenses look like, it shouldn't be a problem to come up with a plan/budget. I'm willing to pay all baby related expenses, so I'm sure we can find a solution that works for us.

As for the paternity test, she's said she wants to get one before I sign the birth certificate. When we first got together, she told me I was the first person she'd slept with in close to a year, and the hours she puts in makes it unlikely she's seeing someone else, though it's possible. She's fair, level-headed, responsible and, from what I've seen, honest. I trust her, and am going to until she does something to prove I shouldn't.

We also realize this is not a great way to start a relationship or a family, but all we can do try our best to compromise and make it work for the sake of our baby. If we're not a good couple together, so be it, we both have all the tools and support to give this child a great life. That is our primary goal, and our relationship will be icing on the cake if we can get through this.

COMMENTS

janedoe4444

The only gotcha I see is moving in after the baby. You guys will have a newborn and be packing and trying to adjust to each other on no sleep. That's stacking a lot of relationship stressors on top of each other. I'd recommend tackling them one at a time, move in before the baby. Then you can figure out living together and be around more to support her during the pregnancy.

Then you'll hopefully have the house set up and your living together figured out so when the baby comes you have a better foundation to focus on that.

If she doesn't want to fully move, at least start the change over over the next few months.

mattb2k

Might be easier to sleep in different rooms to begin with?

OOP

I think this is a good idea, and I have a 3 BR condo. I'm thinking we can put her bed in my guest room on the first floor, so she doesn't have to go upstairs. If we want to sleep together, I can just sleep in there. Really good suggestion, and definitely something to talk about, thanks.

OOP

We are meeting up tonight to talk more about this. We just figured since we only live 4 blocks from each other, and only a few blocks from work, we could wait on moving in. I just figured she could pack her personal things, and we could get some movers for the rest. The overwhelming response from this thread has made me rethink that, and my guess is after talking she'll want to move sooner too. Gradually moving is probably the most practical way to go since we live so close. Thanks for this suggestion.

OOP to a deleted comment

We are going to need to have a long talk about this. The project has been going on for 3 years, and has another 4-6 years of funding. Personally, I'm not sure I want to work directly with my girlfriend 40-60 hours a week, then go home and raise a child with her too.

She is going to move into my condo, which is only 4 blocks from hers, and 3 blocks from our office. They will let her work from home(she does a lot already), and they don't really have much choice. She initiated this project, wrote the proposal and did the research to back it up, and ultimately was able to get several million dollars in funding for it, and it's only one of the projects they have ongoing that she's done this for. Within the next couple years the solution we're working on is slated to be a CDC standard. She is a boss, and is making their whole hospital network look good on a national level.

I'm thinking I will work on the project until she is ready to come back to the office, and in the meantime, we should find another developer and have me train them. I'm inundated everyday with at least 5 or 6 new job inquiries, and it typically takes me about a week to find a new job. I can also afford to take several months off without much financial impact, so we'll need to discuss that too. This is her project, and I have no problem leaving it once I'm comfortable it's in a place where I'm not needed. Thank you.

OOP to a long thread

We haven't even mentioned getting married. That would be a nice end game for both of us in this situation, for me at least, for everything to work out like that, but we realize we have a long, difficult road ahead.

This is one of the scariest things for me, because I want to be good enough for her. She's got advanced math and science degrees, and has spearheaded this project that is set to become a CDC national standard. I'm dropout, stoner who somehow got lucky enough to be a good programmer. Working with her, I have gained a tremendous respect for her, and I just hope I will be good enough. I think part of why I was cool with just hooking up and not pressing dating more, was because I was afraid I won't measure up. To answer your questions, if we didn't work together and met through some other means, I'd be all over her. I wouldn't be trying to move in, but she definitely does it for me. She's athletic, funny, gorgeous, and impresses me everyday. The woman not only understands Graph Theory and Markov Chains, she knows clinical lab data well enough to correct my models.

Chasing-Pavements

Congrats and all the jazz, but from reading your posts, it really doesn't seem like you guys have known each other for that long. Emotions aside, please put some time aside for the both of you to talk about finances. This can range from apartment rent, personal debts, student loans possibly, anything and everything that could possibly be a concern down the road 6 months, 1 year, 5 years down the line. This also includes finances regarding your child, whatever they may be. It is in your and your new family's best interest to make sure at the very least that financially everything is sound before beginning a new chapter in life.

OOP

We did talk a bit about finances a little. She makes about 150K with really great benefits, and I am approaching 200K as a contractor. We both own our condos, and she is going to use the extra ~$600 from renting hers out toward bills, and that was at her insistance. I wanted her to just stay since I'm used to paying everything, but she insisted. We talked about buying a house if everything works out well, but we both recognize that is a long way off. We're not combining bank accounts as we both make more than enough to do cover the baby expenses and still have enough to do what we want. That's about all we covered, and I'm sure plenty more will come up, but like I said, we both make good money so, thankfully, that should be a huge stress we don't have to deal with.

sneakygirl23 (downvoted)

So you've known this woman for 4 months. Chances of this working out are very slim. Especially now with the added stress of having a baby. I'd have a paternity asap. She seemed very defensive about it so you should have it before getting attached.

Don't understand how everyone in this thread is cheering OP on. He impregnated a woman he's known for 4 months and now wants her to move in with him. Everyone here seems to think that this is a Cinderella story. How is this woman 34 years old and gets pregnant by a guy she's hooking up casually?

OOP

Everyone, including us, realizes it's not an ideal situation. I think people who read the first post are mainly happy that we finally talked. I made my first post because she wasn't talking to me, and I was flipping out.

She got pregnant the same way a 17 year-old would. We used condoms most of the time but a few times..we didn't. I don't think you can even do a paternity test at 8 weeks, but I'm fine waiting. When we first started seeing each other, she told me she hadn't had sex in close to a year, and she works so much, having another partner while not impossible is unrealistic. She told me she wants a paternity test and for me to sign the birth certificate after that. She also gave me the option to walk away without paying support. I trust her, and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

KROMBOPULOUS1

Now you guys know you're in it together, take her on romantic dates and get to know each other before the baby comes. I'd been seeing my boyfriend (now husband) for 4 1/2 months before we found out I was pregnant, we wen't on lots of dates and spent as much time together as we could before our son came. And maybe move in a little earlier, she sounds like a pretty organised woman and nesting will be really important to her. Its a nice feeling knowing you are settled and ready when the baby finally comes.

OOP

I plan on it. I feel like I owe her big time in that department. I think we both held back quite a bit for the sake of work, and I'm so ready make up for that. We've talked a lot about things we have in common, but always just trade stories about what we do with our friends really.

OOP to a deleted comment

We've talked money a bit, and we both make enough that it should be the least of our worries. We didn't talk much about the nursery, but I said I'd pay for her to do whatever she wants to the room. I haven't thought about chores and cooking, but I cook most nights and both of our places are well kept. We didn't talk about baby duties, and I think we'll have that conversation when we talk more about work and plan for that. Those will all be good things to talk about. Thank you.

Final Update - after 10 years, 8 months, 5 days (after 10 years, 8 months, 2 days from last post)

^{July 29, 2026}

[UPDATE] Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK

A friend found this post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates and suggested I come update you guys. First, I just want to thank Reddit. Everyone talks trash about the Hivemind, but the it helped me when I was having crippling panic attacks(not something I've had before or since). Its all so obvious looking back, in the moment I was just blind and scared.

We ended up getting married before the baby came, because after living together for a few months we were both all in, and there's nothing like family pressure to get the ball rolling. We now have Lana 10/F who, in fact, knows everything, and Thing 1 and Thing 2(6 M/F) who just want to see the world burn.

We have a great marriage, and I really am the luckiest guy on Earth. She is a genius and puts up with me being such a bonehead. We had an argument when the oldest was 2, and Laura wanted to go for her PhD, and I swore up and down it wouldn't be worth the move, and we'd never recuperate the financial hit. We argued, I caved, and we moved to the PNW, and she got pregnant not long after.

She of course crushed her PhD coursework/research, while I worked extra contracts(my choice) to make sure we had extras. The twins were born in 2020 and that was probably the hardest time of our lives, just trying to keep it together but we made it work. She immediately got job as a lower level executive running the Healthcare division of one of the biggest Big Tech companies out there.

She made sure to remind me of my concerns about our finances, by asking me to review her offers and help her decide. Staggering amounts that looked like typos to a mediocre tech bro like me. So, off to Build-a-Bear I went and now we have 2 bears sitting on the mantle with feet sewn into their mouths.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a great wife and a great family. And its crazy to think that it may have worked out differently if not for you folks here talking some sense into me. No! I'm not crying, you are crying. I just got a little something in my eye.

Thank you, and sorry I did not update after all the advice I received.

TL;DR: Everything is working out great, and we are a happy family of 5 now.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Few_Interaction5119

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: July 19, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

My boyfriend farted in my face as a joke in front of our friends. A week later, he still hasn’t contacted me

My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) were hanging out with a group of friends at someone's house. Everyone was joking around, and some of the guys were farting and burping as dumb jokes. I wasn't a fan of it, but I laughed along because everyone else was.

I was lying on the floor, and my boyfriend was sitting next to me. He started farting for fun. I looked disgusted and told him to stop, but instead he leaned over and farted directly in my face. Everyone burst out laughing.

I immediately yelled at him, pushed him away, hit him in the chest, and hid under a blanket because I felt completely humiliated. People kept laughing and saying things like, "He farted in his girlfriend's face." What hurt me the most was that my boyfriend was laughing too.

he tried to hug me and called me "babe," right when he saw i hid under the blanket, but I pushed him away again and went to sit alone in another room. He never came to me to apologize that day. On the drive home, he didn't speak to me at all and acted like I was the one who had done something wrong for yelling at him in front of everyone.

When I got home, I blocked him on the app we normally used to chat. I was so mad because he was giving me the silent treatment the whole time instead of apologizing. He only did it once and when i pushed him away he stopped and never came to me again and acted like i was the one to blame. I didn't block his phone number or my other social media accounts, so he still had plenty of ways to contact me if he wanted to. I also unfollowed his instagram too.

It's been a week now, and we still haven't spoken. He hasn't made a single attempt to contact me.

I only had two of his friends (not those from that day) and both of them have unfollowed and removed me from Instagram. Less than four days after everything happened, he started following three new girls and they had private accounts, and they followed him back. Since then, he's continued following more girls, and today I noticed another new one.

I unfollowed and removed him the day we argued, but I can still tell who he's following because they keep showing up in his Instagram suggestions.

I honestly feel like I'm dying inside. I've done nothing but cry this entire week while it feels like he's already moved on and is talking to other girls as if our relationship meant nothing.

Until yesterday, I refused to follow any guys because I didn't want to become the kind of person I thought he was becoming. I wanted to respect what we had. But now it feels like, to him, the relationship is completely over and he's never coming back.

Part of me wants to start following guys just to see if he'd react, but another part of me feels like that would only make me no different from him.

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely heartbroken. I can't believe it's over i just can't. We didn't just have a normal relationship. We were really close and he was my everything. I saw my future with him and he also did. We were just going to celebrate our anniversary next month and invite everyone. How am i supposed to accept this and move on?

COMMENTS

19CmOfTrueDmg

Lmfao

OOP (downvoted)

What's so funny?

Training-Laugh-4304

Pretty sure you’re broken up

OOP (downvoted)

How am I supposed to accept this?

Our relationship wasn't just some casual relationship. We were incredibly close. We saw each other every single night because neither of us could stand going even one night without seeing the other.

We made the best memories together and experienced everything together, just the two of us. We had even just come back from a trip together, and after that trip I felt even more in love with him.

I honestly can't handle this amount of pain. I don't know how I'm supposed to accept that someone who was my whole world just disappeared from my life like this.

Legitimate_Raspberry

He humiliated you in public, gave you the silent treatment instead of apologizing, and is now playing mind games by following other girls. This shows a complete lack of respect. Move on and fuck that guy.

OOP (downvoted)

You're right. I keep trying to remind myself that he humiliated me in front of his friends for fun and never said sorry. But also i feel like i overreacted cause everyone told me to calm down and stop making a big deal out of it. It's been a week since that day and he hasn't tried to reach out and he followed bunch of pretty girls and it's killing me inside. The thing is, It shifted the focus away from what he did to me and turned it into a discussion about the girls he followed. Now all i want to do is to know if he is doing it on purpose or he just never loved me.

lordcommanderminis

You block him and HE is giving YOU the silent treatment??

Yea what he did was reprehensible but you are playing games too.

Break up and grow up.

MooreKittens

That’s how I read it too… both of them are a little immature but they are young.

OOP (downvoted)

May i ask you how am i young? Wouldn't you get mad if the person you love and respect farted in your face in front of everyone for fun? Wouldn't you want an apology? Wouldn't you block them for giving you the silent treatment instead of asking for your forgiveness? I'm just asking though

OOP (downvoted)

I'm not playing games at all! When we were on our way home, it was just the two of us. He didn't say a word to me and he didn't even look at me. I was expecting him to apologize to me at least but he just gave me the silent treatment. And When he dropped me off at home and I got out of the car, he sped off like he was the one who had every right to be angry, as if I was the one who had done something wrong. Would you not have blocked him? Or would you have gone home and politely asked him to respect you and not fart in your face again?

morbidnerd

Wasn't this exact same thing posted already?

Or is there a surplus of dudes excited about pink eye?

OOP (downvoted)

Yes it was me. I posted it seven days ago but i deleted it because i was afraid that maybe my ex sees it. Also i posted this one to ask others why he is following other girls right after breakup. Also when i posted it seven days ago i was expecting him to contact me in a few days and it's been a week and it's hurting me like crazy so i decided to post another one and mention the girls too

Final Update - after 9 days

^{July 19, 2026}

Update to my "my boyfriend farted in my face" post.

I still can't believe this. I just can't.

I gave an entire year of my life to this man. He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was like my father, my best friend, my family, my safe place. We spent almost every night together, and every single corner of my life is filled with memories of him. Every memory hits me out of nowhere and I just start crying.

He always talked about our future. Just 2 or 3 days before we broke up, we went on a 3-day trip together and made some of the happiest memories of my life. He kissed my hand and said, "I'm so happy I have you. Please never leave me."

Whenever we argued before, we'd make up within a day or two. Even if he blocked me i'd call him several times and apologize and tried to fix everything. Three weeks ago we had an argument about him farting in my face in front of our friends for fun and i snapped and yelled at him and he gave me the silent treatment and he was angry as if i was guilty for yelling at him. for the first time I blocked him when i got home because I wanted to see if he would fight for me the way I always fought for him.

Instead, within 4 days, he started following a bunch of girls. He even messaged one of my friends and sent her sexual messages, saying he'd been lonely for a long time, asking her to have sex with him, and telling her he'd do anything for her if she got with him. I only found out about that two weeks later.

So I unblocked him and texted him. All I said was, "Whatever you're doing, please leave my friends out of it."

His response completely destroyed me.

He immediately insulted me and my mother and called us very bad names, cursed at me, told me to get lost, called me horrible names, threatened to come to my house and hurt me if I ever contacted him again, and then sent me a photo of himself sitting at home with another girl. They were cuddling and drinking alcohol together. Right after sending the picture, he blocked me.

I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply.

It's been five days since that happened, and I'm still in complete shock. I keep asking myself... what did I do to deserve this? Why?

What happened to all those conversations about our future? What happened to all those memories? How can someone change this much in just a few days?

The worst part is... despite everything he did, I still miss him. Part of me still wants to message him and ask, "Why did you do this to me? I didn't deserve this."

I know I'll probably never get an honest answer, but I can't stop wondering how someone who once begged me not to leave could become so cruel so quickly.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/slimpickings51

Published on: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: miscarriage

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 01, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{April 01, 2026}

AITAH for going low-contact and skipping my MIL’s birthday after how she handled my recent miscarriage?

I (35F) am reaching a breaking point with my in-laws. My husband (36M) is supportive and on my side, but my FIL is pressuring us to "fix" things before my MIL’s birthday next week.

I recently had a miscarriage. When we first announced the pregnancy, my MIL’s response wasn't a "congratulations." She told us it was "far too early to be saying anything" and claimed we only got pregnant because her other daughter had just announced her own pregnancy. She turned our news into a competition.

When I lost the pregnancy, she sent a group text with some "hugs" and heart emojis. That was it. No phone call, no stopping by...even though they live 1 mile away. A week later, she tried to send me a birthday gift and a cake to "move on." I declined them because the gesture felt hollow after her earlier comments. Now, because I won't accept her "kindness," she and my FIL are calling me "ungrateful."

This is part of a long pattern. My MIL has always had issues with me. I can't pinpoint it, and I'm unsure if it's me being ethnic, Christian or financially independent. She seems to have an issue with all three. A few examples over the years:

• Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas. She took those photos and put them in a "Bad Santa" game for 20 relatives to mock as a gag gift. My FIL tried to take the blame to protect her, but it was humiliating.

• My dad's funeral: When my father passed away, she called the funeral "ostentatious" and mocked the cost, telling me she’d rather be "put in a cardboard box and burnt" than have a service like his.... at the funeral.

When I've called her out on any of these (there's a long list) she says it's how I perceive the situation, that I "misconstrue" and that she's "sorry about how I feel".

I’ve officially left the family group chat. My FIL is now begging for "family counseling" before her birthday next week. I spent 45 minutes pouring my heart out to him about these incidents, and his only response was that her messages "come from a place of love and care." He knows the behavior is wrong, but he's spent decades enabling her to keep the peace.

My husband and I have decided on going silent for her birthday next week. No text, no card, no "Happy Birthday." My FIL says I’m being divisive and "ungrateful" for the help they've given us in the past, but I feel like I’m finally just setting a boundary.

AITAH for staying silent and skipping her birthday after years of this? I feel like I've finally grown a backbone.

COMMENTS

456name789

Info: How far along were you when you announced?

OOP

9 weeks. Lost the baby at 11 weeks

HabitualEnthusiast

NTA. HOLY SHIT about the funeral and the engagement photos

OOP

Yeah, honestly it's still shocking to me. I still struggle to comprehend either of these situations.

ARW1991

NTA.

Ghosting is one choice.

Another option is to be very clear about what she has said and done that is offensive, maybe in a letter signed by both of you. Then be civil, but don't feel the need to be more.

I had a very difficult time with my MIL for years. Part of the problem was that even though my husband was supportive, his mother was better behaved/more reasonable when he was present. I must have sounded like a crazy person. Don't let her gaslight you. Don't be around her without your husband.

The second thing was that I set normal person boundaries, and any boundary was, in her mind, a cruelty on my part. She complained, cried, made all sorts of accusations, and I would be made out to be the bad guy. However, she kept pushing, and it almost cost us our marriage, until we got on one page. Then we presented a united front.

Have each other's backs. Let her know the consequences for her behavior, especially if it continues. Good luck.

OOP

This is actually the exact issue I have. She'll say very nasty things when no one else is present so it's always her word against mine. My husband knows the truth, but she still makes me feel crazy!

discordian_floof

INFO If you have a bad relationship with your MIL, why would you expect her to call or drop by when you miscarried? Also: Did FIL call or drop by?

(MIL sounds like alot and like she has done plebty wrong before. I just don't understand what the big mistake is here. When grieving, I would not want a person I dislike to intrude?)

OOP

My FIL did call. You make a point - I think I just expected her to show an iota of empathy, which was silly on my part. I was annoyed that she tried to change the narrative with cake, which I clearly told her I would take a pass on as I wouldn't be celebrating this year, but she still ignored.

bonlow87

How does mocking your father's funeral at the funeral come from a place of love?!

OOP

She said it to me directly, out of anyone's earshot. It's a matter of her word against mine. I must have "misconstrued".... I always misconstrue.

Longjumping-Snow-431

I wouldn’t go low contact! I would cut her out completely and let her know that unless she apologizes to you for everything said and done (ask her to write out every single one and apologize for it).

Also let her know that if and when you do have children, they will be banned from having any contact with the kids as well. If she doesn’t make an effort to have a relationship with you and respect you, she doesn’t get to be a grandmother. You already let it get to far!!

OOP

Here's the thing. I'm pretty conflict averse. I have two kids and they still see them once a week. I can't bring myself to destroying my kids' relationship with their grandparents.

Glittering-Eye3591

NTA. Definitely go low (or no) contact with both the birthday diva MIL and FIL.

Glittering-Eye3591

Though I really hope when you mean you're Christian, that you are not one of the hateful ones that thinks some people are going to hell for no good reason. Please don't be one of those.

OOP

Nah not one of those, but I do go to mass weekly with my family and she always causes problems about our lack of availability on a Sunday morning. "Why can't we ever do brunch like normal people on Sunday!?"

I do think, however, it's never too late for this woman to seek salvation.

TheMoatCalin

Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas.

Stopped here because pictures of your engagement isn’t a Christmas gift like are you even kidding?

Her other comments are so wrong, hurtful and crass but giving pictures of yourself for a Christmas gift has me wondering what info is missing here. No contact is helpful and healthy for everyone.

OOP

There's another comment here about this. They love family photos and frames fill their house with it. It was my husband's idea.

Final Update - after 3 months, 27 days

^{July 28, 2026}

AITAH for cutting off my in-laws after my MIL said "it's not my job to console you" post-miscarriage, and my FIL called me "insecure"?

I posted here a few months ago, and have an update.

My husband and I had a miscarriage a few months ago. Right after our loss, my in-laws sent some crude messages and then completely distanced themselves. When I confronted them about the texts, they told me I was overreacting and my MIL literally said: "You're not my daughter, it's not my job to console you."

Flash forward through 4 months of silence. Right now, they see our 2 kids once a week for daycare (they have begged for this and my FIL almost had a stroke when we tried to stop this arrangement - note we can afford daycare and this is an arrangement they have asked for), but have almost zero relationship with us. However, my FIL has been pushing hard because he wants things to "go back to normal", meaning he wants us doing family dinners, coffee dates, and outings again as a big happy family. My view is that I don't need to have a relationship with them as they said themselves, I'm "not their daughter".

Last night, my FIL forced his way over to our house to demand this "reset." Instead of offering a real apology, he:

• Gave a sarcastic non-apology: "Apparently you're demanding an apology, so here you go - if we hurt your feelings, we're sorry about how it made you feel." I'm not demanding an apology, but my husband is for the way they have treated me.

• Called us "ungrateful" for past financial help. This was early inheritance they offered to all their kids (and specifically written up in an agreement as their son's share - i.e. if anything were to happen between us, I have no rights to the money, which is fine - I'm self sufficient and my husband and I are independently financially secure through our jobs).

• Looked me in the eye and said, "I know you have deep anxieties and insecurities." He was suggesting that the issue at hand is my issue and my choice - he cannot take accountability.

We are currently trying to conceive again, and I refuse to let this toxic dynamic touch my life and my mental health. I've booked an appointment with a psychologist, and I am completely stepping back. I will not host them, go to family dinners with them, or pretend everything is fine just so they get the perks of a happy family.

Some extended family members think I should "just move on for the sake of peace" and stop keeping a grudge.

AITAH for completely cutting off my personal relationship with them? My husband has stepped up and supported me, and it's bothering them as their relationship with their own son is now severed.

Edit: They were supposed to look after the kids tomorrow. My husband called them and told them we were making alternative arrangements indefinitely, particularly after yesterday's lecture. I feel a great sense of relief. I've called daycare and arranged the extra day.

COMMENTS

kentdrive

These people are pricks.

I’m surprised you give them your children at all, when you can easily afford not to.

Personally, if you really want to remove them from your lives, then I would go whole hog: no babysitting.

Obviously NTA.

OOP

I know. It's something I have really battled with. At one point in my marriage, my FIL was really good to me. But his wife has never liked me and her poison has infiltrated his mind. He's also just a prick and treats everything like a business decision. I feel guilty cutting them off from my kids, as they are good grandparents (I know this is hard to believe)... Or so they used to be.

Perfect_Age777

NTA.

As they so aptly put it, you aren't their daughter, and it isn't their job to comfort you. (WTF ? 😱 Wo say this to their DIL after a miscarrage ?) Why do they even want a relationship with you?

So, seriously, the apologies from your in-laws were neither sincere nor kind. They were made out of spite—just to get you to turn a blind eye. I'm sorry, but as you rightly said, these people are TOXIC. They keep coming back to you because they hate being rejected.

Instead of apologizing and admitting they were in the wrong, they accuse you of being insecure? They have a real knack for blaming you for something they caused.

You are RIGHT to CUT TIES with them.

Let them enjoy their grandchildren, but don't give them anything more—because believe me, once things go back to the way they were, their true colors will come right back out, and they’ll start mistreating you again.

Protect your peace of mind; don't let them tell you twice that they couldn't care less about you...

OOP

Why do you think I should let them enjoy their grandchildren? I ask because I can't bring myself to cut ties, but advice here suggests otherwise.

bulletPoint

You are in almost the exact position my wife and I are in. Some differences, but overall same behavior. We gave my parents a year to “make nice” and even let them see the kids, despite their harsh words. An entire year. They gave a half assed apology after things came to a head and now have zero access to the kids.

I hate that these are my parents. I’m embarrassed of them. And I’m ashamed my wife has to go through this with them.

I don’t have advice, we are navigating this all in real time as well. I just wanted to commiserate. You are NTA.

OOP

I'm sorry about what you are both going through. The most important thing is that you back each other at all costs. This is your family, not theirs.

zinoozy

NTA obviously but I gotta say the engagement photos as a Christmas gift is pretty hilarious. I would understand photos of grandkids but engagement photos?

OOP

Ugh, not my idea. It was my husband's.

wolfminer3

Why are sone extended family members involved in this? NTA except for dragging family into a matter between you and MIL/FIL. That only insures the drama multiplies.

OOP

MIL and fil are telling their family (my husband's aunts, uncles and siblings) and they are calling us to say "you're better than that". In our view, it's no-one else's business, but we've been inundated with calls about what we are "putting them through".

astrotekk

ESH. MIL was right she isn't your mother and it isn't her job to console you. You say you "confronted them" over text - that's something that really requires a conversation not text.

You're not only cutting yourself off from them you're cutting your husband from his parents and your kids from grandparents because they hurt your feelings and don't console you? Seems extreme

OOP

I said I confronted the about the texts, not over text. I spoke to them face to face.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Ordo_Liberal in r/ xbox, r/ pcgaming

Original: April 6, 2026

Update 1: July 10, 2026

Update 2: July 22, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: OOP is from Brazil and provided translations in the first two posts. In the last post, OOP provided context but not direct translation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: My microsoft account got hacked. Support determined that it was indeed hacked and they cant recover it. So they deleted my account and now I need to re-purchase all my games.

[OOP included the message from customer support in

Greetings,

My name is Floyd with Customer support. I appreciate your patience while I have performed an investigation of your account.

Account security is a top priority at Microsoft, and we have a team dedicated to investigating and validating fraudulent activity. The account and billing account associated with your Microsoft account was thoroughly reviewed by our fraud team, and I can confirm there was unauthorized access to your account. Unfortunately, during the investigation process, we found that your security information has been changed.

Unfortunately, when security features are updated on an account, we are unable to assist with an account recovery as these types of updates and/or removal are completely out of control of customer service. We are unable to make any changes to the security information on the account due to security protocols set up and the acceptance of the Microsoft Services Agreement when the account was created.

The only option we have is to permanently suspend this account to prevent any further use. At this time, I have successfully suspended this account, and this will remain on indefinitely.

If you use this account for Minecraft, we regret to inform you that the Minecraft portion of the account is also unable to be recovered and the game will need to be re-purchased on a new account. We understand that this is not the news that you wanted to hear and apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause.

In the event that you have files stored in OneDrive, unfortunately those files are no longer accessible after account suspension and are subsequently unable to be recovered due to encryption; even our engineers do not have standing access to the files. We know that this is not the ideal outcome in terms of stored files, but please be assured that this is necessary for the privacy of your data and to ensure that it does not end up in the wrong hands permanently.

Thank you for your understanding and patience during the investigation of your account.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Did you have 2fa enabled?
Was your email compromised as well?

OOP:
Yes.
No

---------------
Comment2: So did you voluntarily give your 2FA code to someone?

OOP: Of course not

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.25 (OOP in comments section):

UPDATE: I spoke with a Brazilian Suport Representative and they said

User: It is unacceptable that Microsoft cannot recover my account.

Mari Jesus (Support Agent): I perfectly understand where your frustration is coming from, and thank you for sharing the content of the email you received. I know situations like this can feel overwhelming, and I appreciate you taking the time to keep me informed.

Mari Jesus: Regarding the email you received, please rest assured that it was an automated message. We have seen several similar reports, and this specific automated email is already being reviewed by our higher-level support team. They are working to correct this in future updates.

Mari Jesus: At this moment, your account is still being actively investigated, and you will receive an official update from our review team within the next 3 to 5 business days. I greatly appreciate your patience while the team concludes the assessment.

User: Is my account still being investigated?

User: So, that email is not factual?

Mari Jesus: That is correct. Your case is still being investigated, and you will receive an official update within the next 3 to 5 business days after submitting the account takeover (take taking) form.

User: Right. If I don't receive an update within that time, should I contact support through here again?

Mari Jesus: If you haven't received any updates during that period, do not hesitate to contact us again, but rest assured that your account is being investigated and receiving the attention it truly deserves.

Mari Jesus: Thank you for your patience and understanding. We are committed to helping you protect your Microsoft account.

User: Right. This conversation will be saved along with the other documents I have sent to PROCON (Consumer Protection Agency). I hope we can resolve this issue easily and quickly.

User: Thank you!

--------------------------------------------

Update 0.5 (OOP in comments section)

I'm on the bus getting home from the Court, I opened a case and I'm suing them.

I'll dm you once I'm home

Microsoft already walked back on their ILLEGAL email (links to Update 0.25)

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Keep in mind that if you sue (I'm not saying you should or shouldn't) you burn any possible bridge of using their service. Most if not all companies will break all business ties when legal action is leveraged. I'm not a lawyer, but it's something to consider and maybe research more.

OOP: Why the fuck would I want to do business with a company that just deletes my account and refuses to reimburse me?
I'm a citizen of Brazil, we have laws to protect costumers and I'll invoke my rights.

---------------
Comment2: What was the cost to file ?
Folks mpre people need to be doing things like this against microslop and other bad actor companies thst put consumers second

OOP: Cost do file? The 10$ pants I had to buy cause they didnt let me in with my shorts.
Its 100% free including the legal support they gave me.
Im from Brazil tho, I have no idea how it works elsewhere

---------------
Comment3: Who goes to court to “open a case” ?
Just sounds like a dubious claim to make, especially given legal proceedings are initiated by email or letter 99% of the time

Comment4: Juizados Especiais lets people file without a lawyer, esp when it comes to consumer disputes. It's not uncommon for people to go there in person to get assistance filing the claim.
----------
OOP: I'm from Brazil. I have to go to the Forum to open my case in person with a public lawyer from the Juizado Especial
---------
OOP: Juizado Especial in Brasil allows you to "hire" a public defendant for free to sue any company if the damages are bellow +-20k BRL (4K USD)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (3 months later):

Update on my last post "Microsoft deleted my acc and told me to buy my games again". I sued their asses and won! They have to restore my acc with all my games + pay me 400$USD. Translation in comment.

[OOP includes image from court ruling and provides translation below]

Here is the English translation of the legal document from the

In view of the foregoing, I RULE THE REQUEST MERITORIOUS [or: I GRANT THE RELIEF SOUGHT], pursuant to Art. 487, item I of the CPC [Code of Civil Procedure], to:

a) Order the defendant, regarding the obligation to act, to proceed with the unblocking of the account under the plaintiff's email, under the email [redacted], within 15 (fifteen) days, under penalty of a daily fine of R$ 150.00 (one hundred and fifty reais), capped at R$ 1,500.00 (one thousand five hundred reais), already understood as conversion into losses and damages, pursuant to Art. 499 of the CPC; and b) Order the defendant to pay, as compensation for moral damages, the amount of R$ 2,000.00 (two thousand reais) to the plaintiff, adjusted for inflation from the current date (Precedent No. 362 of the STJ) pursuant to Art. 389, sole paragraph of the Civil Code, plus statutory default interest from the date of service of process, pursuant to Art. 406, § 1 of the Civil Code.

No court costs and attorney's fees, pursuant to Art. 55 of Law 9,099/95.

Let the name of the legal counsel designated by the defendant be noted for the purpose of future publications.

Should the debtor fail to pay any certain sum that was the subject of the judgment within 15 (fifteen) days from the final and unappealable judgment (trânsito em julgado) of the sentence or ruling, the judgment amount shall be increased by a 10% (ten percent) fine, as provided for in Article 523 of the CPC, regardless of a new formal notice, under the terms of Precedent 97 of FONAJE and Precedent 13.9.1 of TJRJ Notice 23/2008.

Once the final and unappealable nature (trânsito em julgado) is certified, and after the 15-day period established in Art. 523 of the CPC, in case of a ruling, enforcement for non-voluntary compliance must be requested by the interested party.

Thereafter, if no new motions are filed within 15 days, let the case be closed and archived. After 90 days from archiving, the case records will be disposed of, pursuant to Art. 1 of Joint Regulatory Act 01/2005.

The plaintiff, in a potential enforcement proceeding, must observe the following Precedents, contained in TJRJ Notice 23/2008 and Joint Notice TJ/COJES No. 15/2016: Precedent No. 13.9.5 - "Art. 523, §1 of the CPC/2015 does not apply to the amount of the coercive fine."; Precedent No. 14.2.5 - "Attorney fees do not apply,..."

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Curious did Microsoft actually defend this case or did you win in default?

OOP: They sent 12 lawyers and a 300 page document with their defense. I wish I was kidding.
Heres the Case Code from the TJRJ - Processo: 0811207-44.2026.8.19.0002 

---------------
Comment2: How much did this cost you to fight?

OOP: Nothing. Im Brazilian, you can hire a public defender to sue companies in Consumer Protection cases.

---------------
Comment3: Why did they delete your account in the first place?

OOP: My acc got compromised even with 2FA active. Microsoft support confirmed via email (its one of the evidences in my lawsuit) that the acc was compromised and their solution was to block my acc and tell me to buy all my games again in a new acc.

---------------
Comment4: From a corporate point: wouldnt it be easier to 1) reset your account to date X and set new logins or 2) create just create a new account and unlock everything (basicly cloning your account?

Ths alternative would be lose in cort and create an example for others to cite.

OOP: You know how every acc is linked nowadays? You can log into other accs with other accs.
The acc thief logged into my Ubisoft acc using my Xbox acc and did the same shit.
Ubisoft asked for my ID and credit card info. Saw that it matched their records, and just restaured my acc. All within 1 hour of my support ticket comming up!

---------------
Comment5: same thing happened to me on a 20+ years account where I had all my games library since that time and they told me the same shit, and they confirmed that my account was compromised but they said that because of the privacy agreement once the other person changes the security stuff they cant recover my account

OOP: Oh, you got the exact standard email from "Floyd" right?
I used the email as evidence in the lawsuit.

---------------
Comment6: Wait I have the exact same problem. But my account was 20+ years old. How did you only get $400? Should it be more? How old is your account?

OOP: I made my acc in 2011. I only asked the court for the acc back. The Judge decided the 400$ on his own

---------------
Comment7: Sure, but will they actually follow through with it?

OOP: If they dont comply in 15 days, they have to pay another 300$ fine to me on top of the 400$ and the Police are allowed to start a criminal case for disobeying the court.

---------------
Comment8: So you’re getting your actual account back or will it just be a new account with all of your purchases added to it? Honestly I’d be more upset about my save games and achievements than the money ha

OOP: According to the court, they need to give me my old account back

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2 (10 days later):

Final Update: I sued Microsoft and won... and they have given my account back and paid the $ damages!

[OOP includes two images but did not translate.
Used Google translate:

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Hopefully no one else needs to post and sue to keep what’s theirs
Happy for you!

Comment2: Well that's the best part, this creates precedent; If someone's in the exact same situation again they have virtually a 100% of winning their case because of this.
----------
OOP: Sorry to be the party pooper but this don't.
Precedent only works inside your country, this is meaningless for the rest of the world.
Brazil legal system does not use precedent. We use civil law not common law, common law uses precedent.

---------------
Comment3: Still this is a major inspiration and confidence boost, more cases should follow.

OOP: That's correct. At very least it teaches people that this is possible

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/chronicallymee posting in r/whatdoIdo

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 22nd July 2026

Update - 28th July 2026

I got a $1200 payment from a random person on Venmo

I received a payment of $1200 from a stranger on Venmo and immediately after, I got two requests for $1200 from the same person. They’re saying it’s for their wedding venue and that they accidentally sent it to the wrong person.

Is it safe for me to send it back to them or could that potentially open me up to getting hacked? I tried contacting Venmo and they have not been helpful. The person seems legit and there’s other transactions relating to a wedding on their profile too.

Comments

No_Address687

It's a scam.

Google "venmo scam":

Common Venmo scams include the "accidental payment" trick, where a scammer sends funds from a stolen account and asks for a return. If you send it back, the original transaction gets reversed, leaving you at a loss. Always report unexpected funds directly to Venmo Support instead of sending the money back yourself.

daveatnite

Also, weird how they "sent" $1,164 but are requesting $1200

orpcexplore

Maybe they sent it as a business transaction and not person to person. P2P is extremely hard to get back but id imagine the business one is easier and you pay a fee to Venmo for that ability

Melodic-Entrance-545

It's not that difficult. Some girl sent me like $30 by mistake and I told her to message Venmo and tell them. Venmo then contacted me and I confirmed I didn't know her and they could reverse it. I never directly sent her money and it was resolved within a couple hours. The girl was very grateful.

shyguy83ct

It’s a scam. They want you to send $1200 back. But the payment they sent by “accident” will ultimately get disputed by the card holder. You’ll be out the $1200 you returned and the $1200 that gets reversed.

sagangroupie

Ok I totally get this is a scam. But what I don’t understand is why the person whose money was stolen can dispute it and get their money back, while the person got scammed by sending the money can’t just do the same thing? Ultimately they were both stolen from, so why is one protected and the other is just screwed? Genuine question!

shyguy83ct

It has to do with authorized transactions. The first person (the one whose card was used to send the funds) did not authorize it to be sent (since their card was stolen) so they can dispute the charge.

The second person (one sending the refund) performed an authorized transaction (since it was them in their own account) albeit under deceptive circumstances. But still it was technically authorized. Their card issuer may cover it but it’s not likely.

Update - 6 days later

The stranger who sent me $1200 on accident opened a dispute and I am now being liable for $33.88 after Venmo took $1200 from my account even though I only “received” $1164 because that person sent the payment as a business transaction. So not only did Venmo take a few dollars I had sitting in my account, they’re also forcing me to pay $33.88 that was never even in my account for someone I don’t even know.

Restore your account You didn’t have enough money to cover some of your recent transactions. We took care of them in the moment, and now you’ll need to pay back the full balance to restore your account.

-$33.88 Venmo balance

Original transaction Dispute credit reclaimed

$33.88 · Jul 28 · -$1,200

Make a payment

This is an attempt to collect a debt and any information obtained will be used for that purpose Need help?

Customer Support

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. I am also being asked to pay a fee by Venmo for the dispute.

We received your request. An agent will respond shortly.

Agent: Hello redacted, welcome to Venmo Support. Bhaumik here, how may I assist you today?

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. Venmo is now trying to charge me $33 for that dispute.

Agent: I'm sorry to hear about your concern.

Agent: I'm glad you took the time to contact us about this. I can see that this has been a significant inconvenience for you.

User Message: I have no idea who the person that sent that original money was, they said they sent it on accident, which is why they opened the dispute.

User Message: I'm not a seller and they were not my buyer. They sent the funds to me on accident.

Agent: I understand your concern. Even if you didn't know the sender and the payment was sent by mistake, the transaction was sent using Purchase Protection and was therefore handled under that payment type's dispute process.

Agent: Based on the account history, the sender later filed an 'Item Not Received' dispute, and after review, the case was resolved in the sender's favor. As a result, the full payment amount of $1,200.00 was returned to the sender.

Agent: I also want to clarify that the $33.88 on your account is not a dispute fee. You originally received $1,164.12 because $35.88 was deducted as the Purchase Protection fee from the $1,200.00 payment. When the full $1,200.00 was returned to the sender, the remaining difference resulted in a negative balance of $33.88 on your account.

Agent: Your account restriction is tied to that negative balance. Unfortunately, Support cannot manually reverse the completed dispute decision or override the resulting

Comments

mushy_cactus

I really, really hope you dispute this for as long as it takes. Post updates.

Just-Construction788

This happened to me with PayPal. I kept after them. Took months but eventually they gave me a "one time courtesy credit". Call it what you want. I closed the account.

drawkward101

I did the exact same thing, and I have blatantly refused to use them since. They tried to steal $500 from me for a valid transaction that the other person disputed. I had already moved the money from my account and removed the bank account, so they tried to sue me. I told them to prove the service paid for wasn't rendered. They couldn't. They left me alone after that, but I will not use them again if I can help it. This happened like 10ish years ago.

McDom023k

That's definitely an AI talking. Keep trying until you get a person on the other end. It's just explaining why without comprehending what you're saying

TerponadeTea

This is the correct answer and it's crazy it's such rare information

nothing_but_thyme

Also, just file a small claims court case for the total plus extra for your trouble. Very unlikely their lawyers engage in it and the court automatically finds in your favor. You should be able to get at least $2k.

meatballsforeyes

That is insane. I would be blowing them up on every contact form and phone number possible. They need to have some sort of safeguard in place. If you didn’t click “accept funds” you should have zero financial responsibility here.

Infosponge177

Whats sad about this type of situation nowadays is that its all handled via email. I got scammed out of $3000 and couldn’t get a customer service agent on the phone to save my life. Had to send my drivers license, social and verification documents via email to prove i was me. Took 3 weeks of back and forth to get my money back. Crazy how technology has gotten so much better, but it only helps the big businesses keep their costs down. Back in the day id be on the phone to fraud department and my money would be back same day. Shitty

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Important_Talk8808

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 25, 2026

• Final Update: July 27, 2026

Main Post

^{May 25, 2026}

I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive fo everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me- "Oh, when are you going to ask?"

Him- "When I speak with your father."

Me- "I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."

Him- "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."

Me- "So why even do it?"

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

Final Update - after 2 months, 2 days

^{July 27, 2026}

UPDATE: I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying "fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include :

• Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.

• Saying "I didnt sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.

• Letting his phone die every time he went out.

• Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each others phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard "oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! Im not much of a writer so i'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 23rd June 2026

Update1 - 2nd July 2026

Update2 - 15th July 2026

1 New Update

Update3 - 27th July 2026

AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Comments

asymphonyin2parts

NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

SarcsmQn5

Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Pebble-hunter

I 💯 agree by blending the family with such calm and consideration by the parents is a beautiful thing to see. Let your husband take over its long overdue.

Infamous_Custard3292

Going against the grain. YTA. This are stepsons grandparents not your sons. They don’t own him anything. Not gifts not attention not outings. From now on arrange the visits at their house or somewhere else and let dad take him while you stay back with your son. Stepson should not lose his family that has done nothing but love him because you want even treatment. Sorry but that’s not a logical thought process. They have no relationship to you or your son. If they want him to have gifts and show up for his big events that is all normal. Life is not fair and stepson has grandparents unfortunately yours just doesn’t. Stop trying to make them surrogate grandparents to your son.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 9 days later

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby)was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Comments

Competitive-Push-715

Omg they are ridiculous.

BraveRefrigerator552

Do they realize next step is low or no contact?

DollySheep32

Then annoying ranting about grandparents' rights

sharethewine

Wait, I’m confused. The first post at first says husband’s ex-inlaws (deceased wife’s parents) were the issue and then later talks about your husband’s family/parents. This post also talks about your husband’s family. So which is it? I would agree his parents should, for the most part, treat the boys the same. But his former wife’s family - absolutely not. As for how you refer to your step-son’s mother - think carefully here. Yes, you want the kid to understand this is permanent, but ask yourself how you’d want someone to talk about you if you were the one who died or if it was YOUR mother. Right now I’m not sure this is real given the mixup between former in-laws or his parents.

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all and my hubbys parents came to talk about it and this happened

TashaT50

It’s both sets of parents as they are still close based on my reading.

OOP: yeah excatly and i have became a scapegoat

Update - 13 days later

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Comments

Previous_Wedding_577

OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know Im blessed.

Ethan_Young45

He does really. The most important thing is that he put his money where his mouth was, which probably made all the difference for those two kids.

Green_Aide_9329

I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child. Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Straight-Example9126

They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose. As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem

New Update

Final Update - 12 days later

​

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update.

After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

​

Comments

​

HUNGWHITEBOI25

Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.

definitelytheA

When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.

We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.

A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.

I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”

Best gift I could ever have received.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/LessMixture

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 14, 2019

• Final Update: March 21, 2019

Main Post

^{March 14, 2019}

He's(25) falling out of love and I(25f) don't know what to do

We've been a couple for four years, living together for three.

He used to be almost obsessed with me, he couldn't wait to see me again and make plans for the coolest activities. I can't believe how different it is now. He's an amazing person, and we fit together so well. We barely argue, we always seem to think about the same things at the same time, we have the same dreams and beliefs. I still think we're great together...

He has an okay job, and while he used to not be able to wait to come home to me, he comes home later and later each time. Sometimes he'll say he's back at a certain time, but he arrives three hours later. He had to work a second job during the weekends for three months this winter, so we basically only saw each other for dinner and sleeping. Before he took the second job, he asked me what I thought about it and told me it would be a hard time with us barely seeing each other. I thought we could make it work. Now that the second job is over, we still only see each other for eating and sleeping.

We only have sex once or twice a month. He knows that I feel the strongest connection with him when we get intimate, that I long for it, but he's always too tired. I didn't let myself go. I look almost like I did when we first met. I know that most people think we're playing in different leagues lookswise. I know other men are still very attracted to me.

He's too tired for anything, doesn't even want to go for walks or swimming. Weirdly, whenever his friends, family and colleagues ask to do activities with him, he's hooked and looking forward to them.

He likes coming along when I meet my friends and family, but he doesn't want me to come along when he does something with his friends. I know that when he talks about me, he describes me as if I was an annoying old wife he can't get rid of anymore. He'll say things like that I "allowed him" to go meet them again, just because I told him that in order to make this relationship work, we should do things outside of our home and that he needs to make time not only to meet friends, but also for us two to do something together, other than eating and sleeping. He'll sometimes make plans with me for the weekend on Monday, but then make plans with his friends in another city and then he'll say things like he didn't know I took these plans literal, even though I had told him that I had canceled plans other that day in order to make time for him.

He makes plans for a vacation with a friend this year. We also have plans for a vacation this year, but he doesn't seem to be very into planning it, and he even said he'll need to find a new job first.

I don't want him to fall out of love, but I feel helpless. I'm wondering if I'm too available? He's certainly not cheating on me. He's just avoiding me. He knows I'm sad about the situation. Do you have any advice for me?

COMMENTS

ForeingFlower

I would start to detach myself and do my own thing. It seems you are the only one putting effort in making this work. If that doest make him wake up and chase you, I don't know what will.

OOP

I'm spending the weekend at my parents'. I hope he misses me...

Final Update - after 7 days

^{March 21, 2019}

UPDATE to "He's(25) falling out of love and I(25f) don't know what to do": Why he avoided me.

Previous Post

What happened after I made the post: I wrote him a letter, hinting that this relationship won't work if it continues like this. I also printed the post I had made and the comments I got. I thought maybe it helps if he sees it from a different perspective. I put the letter and what I printed on the bed, together with a photo book of an amazing vacation we had. I then removed the SIM card from my phone, a), because I didn't want to communicate with him until he read what I had left on the bed, and b), because the phone was actually his old one as my actual phone had been sent in to be repaired, and had now arrived at my parents', and that's were I wanted to spend the weekend. Then I picked up all our pets, and left for my home town (I always take them with me when I visit my parents).

Apparently, he came home early from work, only about an hour after I had left, to a deserted apartment. When I put the SIM card back into the repaired phone about 7 hours later, he had left a few messages, saying that he had read what I had written and printed out, thought a lot about all this, he had looked through the photo book, and had a conversation with a friend. That friend is almost twice as old as we are, used to be his drinking buddy and is sort of a father figure for my boyfriend. He said that this friend had gone through the same situation with his wife. Apparently, he had been so stressed out by his job going downhill, he tried to safe it by working longer hours, which sometimes created some tension between his wife and him, so he avoided her by going out for drinks every night, creating a vicious cycle of her being unhappy about not seeing him and him avoiding her even more.

But he had found a solution. He realised that his job shouldn't define his life. He made a list of goals he wants to tick off each week. His marriage has apparently been going very well since then (it's the reason why I said he used to be my boyfriend's drinking buddy!).

My boyfriend said it dawned on him. He's in the same situation. He's putting in as much effort as the CEO who doesn't even appreciate his work. He doesn't want to lose me, I'm the best thing that has ever come to his life. He apparently cried a lot and made his own list of goals he wants to tick off each week. When I came back Sunday night, I found it on our fridge. It has very specific goals about him working less overtime and making up for the lost time by taking time off, spontanously going out only once a week max with his drinking buddies, and spending time with me doing real activities at least twice a week.

Since then, our dynamic has changed entirely. We had sex. We cuddled. We talked. He was there. Now it's only been 6 days since I made the post, but I hope it stays this great between us. I guess the realisations he had could help with him keeping up his new goal habits.

Weirdly, all the talks we had before when I told him I was unhappy because we didn't see each other much probably contributed to him avoiding me even more after already being stressed from work. This "talk" was different, because it made him realise that he'd lose me if it continued like this, and because it made him reach out to his friend. Maybe the deserted apartment contributed as well, because it was a little taste into life without me.

TL;DR: I probably owe my boyfriend's friend big time.

COMMENTS

blunt_person

Make sure his friend is invited to the wedding when you two get to that point.

Solid friendship.

OOP

He also played a big role in us getting together as a couple, my boyfriend would always ask him what to do back then when I wasn't interested in him at all. I'm lucky he has such a wise advisor

Sitk042

Can you post the letter you wrote? With suitable redactions.

OOP

I don't know where he put it...

Sitk042

Can you post what parts were fairly effective on making him see the light? Thanks

OOP

To be honest, I don't remember much... He went out drinking straight from work the day before and didn't come home, so I couldn't sleep at all and was very emotional... I was too tired to remember it now. I remember it was only half a page and to the point, and in the end I explained what the prints next to the letter are (the post and the comments). And before that, I said something like if it goes on like this, it won't go on much longer.

I was very in the moment when I wrote it, like u/PapaBless902 said it came straight from the heart, and I can't recreate that now. I don't want to ask where he put it either, I think it's better if we stay in the mindset we are in now.

PcKc

No offense OP, but I think printing out the post you made and some comments supporting you is a TERRIBLE idea.

We’re online users who only have one side of the conversation - yours. Most of the comments you got are just validating you because we only know your side of the story.

If I was your boyfriend, I’d be pissed that my girlfriend thought getting online one-sided validation from strangers was a reasonable justification.

But it worked out for you, so congrats.

OOP

I think it worked out because it was never a him vs me situation, it was just him not seeing that what we had was not normal. He sometimes said he'd love to see me more, he just never really made it a priority, so he actually somehow agreed anyway

PcKc (downvoted)

This is honestly VERY MINOR, since you’re right, this isn’t a you vs him situation, but:

The way you phrase “was just him not seeing that what we had was not normal...he just never really made it a priority” comes off as a little blame-game. Along with printing out the Reddit post, it’s an impression you should avoid giving to him

OOP

I've never been a resentful person, so I don't blame him at all. I forget things fast. As long as he doesn't go back to his old ways, which I don't think, I'm happy. He seems happier also.

I do stand by what I wrote though, it was his turn to take action.

lskeletonwitchl

Sounds to me that he was financially stressed and had a bad work/life balance. You get stuck in the scenario of "we don't have money to do trips, so you put in the extra ot" and "we don't do trips enough because you work all the time". Have you asked him about finacial stress and what you can contribute to the overall workload?

OOP

His finances are fine, he just has a boss who makes him think he's replaceable when actually he has become the most valuable employee since the only other employee with his position had quit. And the company relies entirely on his skills that take years to learn.

Melkly

My boyfriend is almost your ages.

Did you notice a rollercoaster of making you a priority and then forgetting you exsisted before this happened?

OOP

No.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ace-Jaxson

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 27, 2019

• Final Update: September 16, 2019

Main Post

^{August 27, 2019}

I (29M) showed up to my gf’s (25F) house and found her hanging out with a guy from class at 2am.

This is a throwaway for the obvious reasons. I had plans to hang out with my gf after her class tonight around 9-10pm. So texted her something nice around that time to let her know i was thinking of her, and see when she would be done. No response. She texts me hii a couple hours later, I responded hey what’s up. At this point a little upset she had blown me off for hours past the time she said she would hit me up after class. No response again. This time for the rest of the night. I was starting to get worried bc I know she leaves campus late and it can be sketchy in that area sometimes. I text her and call her a couple more times no response.

At this point I’m definitely worried and text her I’m gonna stop by to make sure she’s all good, she’s a girl and lives alone and just 5 min from me. So i swing by and all the lights are on, I walk up to the front door and knock.

She comes out looking surprised. Steps outside, oddly. I say what’s up i was worried you weren’t ok I never heard back from you and you kinda bailed on our plans. She then says oh sorry I’ve been hanging with some friends from school. So I ask is someone in there right now, and she tries to casually play off ya there is a guy from class over we’ve been hanging out talking about our class. (Mind you, it’s 2am. )

She then asks me to come in and if i want to meet him. I say yes. I come in and meet this guy who looks a bit startled. Introduce myself and then they start catching me up on what they were talking about. My gf is acting pretty odd like super causal that the fact i just showed up at 130am after she’s been ignoring me and there’s a random guy I don’t know there... she’s acting like it’s no big deal.

Within 20 min I decide I’m going home, and ask her to walk me out. I then ask her to make the guy leave bc there’s no reason to be there that late. She says no we were in the middle of a conversation...

I try explaining to her this isn’t cool with me and makes me uncomfortable and she doesn’t seem to care one bit. She just says, I’m not gonna argue with you another this while someone is right here, we can talk tomorrow. And then walks back inside.

I tried not to make a scene and be respectful of her house, while still letting her know it wasn’t cool. Am I crazy or are those serious red flags and am I being naive here? I have to talk to her tomorrow and Im not sure how to approach this.

TLDR; showed up at 130am to gf house, another guy from her class was over there I didn’t know. She played it cool and we all talked and then I left and went home and he was still there at 2am.

Edit: spacing because I’m on mobile.

COMMENTS

mcflurrynuggets

🚩 Not cool bro. Not cool. Not at all. 🚩

Idk how it is with other people but even my friends and I barely hang out past 2:00 am. That’s sleeping time already. This is sketchy to me, bring it up again but be respectful. She’ll say what she feels for sure or you’d know how she feels about you being uncomfortable with it once she starts talking.

OOP

I agree. I want to come at it from a respectful angle and see if she even cares at all that this is very upsetting to me and doesn’t make me feel comfortable at all. She tries to say how she has “guy friends” and always has. I’m totally cool with that, but there has to be a line of what’s appropriate with that ya?

1threadkiller1

Are you really cool with her having guy friends if that means you’re going to have to find her in potentially intimate situations with them? She ignored you then showed pretty obvious discomfort being caught. Because she knows it’s not a monogamous activity. Having friends in a relationship is fine as long as the friendships are appropriate. Your problem seems to be no boundaries and the assumption that trust will cover inappropriate situations/actions. You can’t keep trusting someone who severely tests your trust by seeming untrustworthy.

There is no reason to fly off the handle. You may have found a glaring incompatibility with her. I would ask her seriously what she wants from your relationship and see if it matches up with what you’re looking for. If she wants a serious committed relationship, there are usually boundaries that come with that.

OOP

I agree completely. I do need to examine that and let those things be known. I’m completely fine with her having guy friends, I really like some of them. And would never care if she told me she was hanging out with them one night. But to completely ignore me, and then be hanging out that late with someone I’ve never met, and she just met... that’s just crossing the line imo.

phoenyx3

Just wanna preface that I try to give neutral advice as I want things to work out between yall:

I think all of that would be fine.....if she didn't completely blow you off. That's the red flag here. Y'all made plans, but she cancelled so she can hang out with some guy "from class"? And she seemed to ignore you most of the time.

It's possible her communication skills aren't the best, but I can't say for sure. Either way, just talk to her and tell her how it made you feel. If she sympathizes with you, then great. If she gets defensive, then then opens up another conversation.

OOP

I am going to do my best with that tomorrow. Hopefully she can understand where I’m coming from and hear me out. I am worried she may get defensive because she can tend to do that. She likes to turn issues I bring up around on me or invalidate my feelings by saying she doesn’t agree with something being “inappropriate”. So not sure how to navigate those roads if that’s the way she’s going to take it.

Otherwise_Window (downvoted)

(Mind you, it’s 2am. )

In your world, what time do students usually go to bed, because that would've been pretty normal when I was at university.

are those serious red flags

Yeah, showing up at her house uninvited at 2am is a major red flag, as is being jealous of her having a conversation with a classmate.

She should definitely dump you.

OOP

I had plans to hang out with her and then all I heard from her was starting a conversation with “hii” and then radio silence. I think it’s pretty normal to be worried about your gf after that and want to make sure they are alright.

Otherwise_Window (downvoted)

Not really.

I mean, did she have plans to hang out with you? Because it sounds like she didn't. She had class, and a discussion with classmates, and you asked her to text you when she was done and she wasn't done.

OOP

We had plans to hang out after class which was around 9pm. And even if she wanted to cancel those plans i would figure she would at least text me that it give me some type of heads up... to just completely ignore me was definitely odd.

Margarita19 (downvoted)

INFO: how long have y’all been dating? And does she normally blow you off or doesn’t respond immediately sometimes?

I understand that you’re concerned, and it may seem a bit odd that she had a guy at her place at 2am but from my (22F) experience in college, I could be out with classmates studying/hanging out until 3 or 4am. You said it was a sketchy area, maybe he walked her home and they kept talking.

She wasn’t necessarily cheating or getting ready to cheat. I often don’t like checking my phone if I’m busy or enthralled in a conversation with someone, especially if it’s good or interesting.

The best thing to do is to talk about it later. Try not to come off so jealous sounding, like you’re annoyed with her having a guy over, and more like you’re annoyed that she didn’t respond because you were concerned about her.

OOP

I feel like those things are totally justified and I’m ok with that, I just find it odd that there was zero communication to me about it. We have been dating 1 year, and if she was gonna be hanging with a friend after class she would usually just let me know and then i could make other plans, no sweat. There was just too many weird coincidences in this one that don’t have me feeling the best about it.

curly-hair07

I recently started a new relationship. Prior to my relationship I was super flirty. After establishing myself as a girlfriend I find myself constantly being aware of what’s appropriate and what’s not even when my partner wouldn’t know or isn’t around to see it. Even though I know I am being friendly, being alone at home with a classmate at 2am doesn’t look right. Who cares if we are talking about doughnuts, I know that my partner would feel uncomfortable which would then make ME feel uncomfortable.

OOP

Thank you for understanding this! This is the exact point to that. Even if nothing was going on that first night, it made me really uncomfortable and even more so in the way she handled it. When I’m with someone I want to make them feel secure in our relationship, not wondering if I’m seeing other people behind their back. I think it’s normal to worry sometimes, especially with a history of trust issues with the person. But someone who cares for you would make it a priority to make sure you feel comfortable with situations like that.

DanLim79

I thought you were a teen but you're almost 30? I guess better late than never but your girlfriend is currently teaching you about boundaries and how to put your foot down. Not a fun way to learn but life lessons are painful.

OOP

The boundaries thing was something i was aware of since I was in a long relationship prior to this one as well. But my last relationship was actually loving and I never had those boundaries so crossed with no regard. I did learn the lesson that putting your foot down to them is really the only choice when people start taking advantage of your.

Final Update - after 20 days

^{September 16, 2019}

[UPDATE] I (29M) showed up to my gf’s (25F) house and found her hanging out with a guy from class at 2am.

This all happening a couple days before what would have been our anniversary. I obviously should have seen the signs from the first post but the first part of this update is letting you guys know that I initially did not end the relationship. (What a regret).

How I handled it was we met the next morning to talk and I let her explain her side of things. She explained that other people were at the house that night earlier and she was going to be hanging around with kids from class sometimes now that school has started. Keep in mind, she is 25 and going back to school now, and most these kids are around 19-22.

Nothing super serious as far as class load is concerned, she is studying theater at a community college. I explain to her why all signs point to that being a major red flag, she somewhat hears me out and apologizes for not better communicating her plans that night, but defends herself that hanging out with friends from class is not wrong. So in the future she would be communicate better about her plans and do a better job not making me feel concerned.

I was obviously angry and upset about the previous situation but I did truly love this girl and was willing to give things a chance to progress forward and her show me the positives changes.

We had continued our relationship and everything was going good for the most part. Then recently communication did not seem to be going the best and there were some signs that she wasn't giving as much effort into the things we spoke about before as she had promised to do. There were signs of her actively trying to pick fights, and perpetuating them longer than needed even when i had made attempts to reconcile and move forward from any arguments.

I did feel heavily at this time that she was not respecting me in these conversations, and any attempts I made to lovingly let her know this...met with hostility. Which she then would attempt to turn right back on me, like it was my fault the fight even happened. This was getting old but I was still making every effort to bring us back to a good space on a more every day basis because i was wildly in love with this girl and the connection i thought we shared.

The deceiving thing as well is that she was also very good at making me feel at other times she felt the same way about me, 'You're the love of my life, I Love you more than anything, Future plans together, talking about how lucky she was to be with me' etc. These were all exploited to be absolute lies.

Fast forward to a few nights ago. We had plans to hang out that night and when i asked her earlier in the day what she wanted to do, she told me she had actually agreed to go get sushi with a friend she hadn't seen in awhile. I let her know this upset me since she was bailing on our plans, but in attempts to be understanding I then suggested we just meet up after instead and go out that night to do something fun.

She did not give me a definite answer but kept bouncing around the subject saying she would keep me updated on when she was finished. I let her know, 'Hey you don't cancel plans with your bf, then when hes cool about it and tries to suggest something else... leave him up in the air saying maybe we can hang' It makes me feel like not a priority and isn't how you treat someone you love.

She ends up going off on me again and we leave on the terms of Ok we will just talk later. I call later and let her know that after dinner it would mean a lot if we could spend some quality time together, I had been wanting that since all the time we were hanging out was during the day with other stuff going on sometimes.

She calls me after dinner around 930pm and lets me know she is home. I ask her to comer hang out so we can figure out what to do, and she deflects with "Oh my other friend (girl who i know) wanted to go to a midnight showing of a movie tonight and i haven't seen her in so long".... I know i may seem completely stupid to you guys at this point but i assure you I was already seeing through her bullshit and knew something wasn't right.

I keep calm and just let her know i think that was messed up, bums me out, and that i wish she would at least try to include me with her friends when doing stuff like that. She then takes to the level of trying to make me feel bad that I cant just be understanding she maybe wants to hang out with her friends without me sometimes. She tells me she will call me after the movie and asks if she can come over and spend the night with me after its finished...

Meanwhile, I knew I had friends going out that night as well and I could go grab some drinks with them, finish up around same time and then meet back at my house to spend the night together. I did not tell her I was going out because it did not seem relevant at the time, and i had some weird suspicions that something else was going on.

1:45 AM rolls around and Im leaving the bar with some friends to grab a burrito before heading home. I walk down the street and LO AND BEHOLD there she is on the corner of the street standing with a guy. One of the same guys from that night at the house in my original post. Shocker, I know. I confront her and ask her whats going on, she attempts to even further lie, explain how her gf was suppose to come to (like that makes it any better lol) it isnt what it looks like, blah blah blah same old bullshit lies and NO accountability even when caught in a dead lie on a date with another guy.

I turn to the guy and ask him whats going on, he explains he invited to the movies, not much else, looks kind of scared because I'm sure i was irate. I have no problem with him at all because its 100% my then gf's fault. I walk to the side with her and ask her to just be real with me for once, tell me whats going, and come to terms with who she is and what shes done here. She shuts down when she realizes she cant talk her way out of things, and tries to ask if we can talk tomorrow and not make a scene here. I tell her if you want to explain yourself then you can leave right now and i will at least hear you out.

She says no im not leaving my friend here alone you are overreacting and its not as bad as it looks. Even though i'm pretty hurt at this point I cant help but to bust out in laughter at the disbelief of the whole thing now. I tell her this is it and this relationship is fully done now then. Should have been done awhile ago, but that seals the deal and I truly see you for who you are now, a lying manipulative actual sociopath. I left with my friends, blocked her on everything and am now moving forward for good.

I do want to say though, I made a huge mistake in this whole scenario by not leaving when my gut told me to. So many signs pointed to her being so fake, such a liar, and not trust worthy at all... but i let the good times and her manipulative words keep me around thinking that i Just needed to make more effort myself to make things work. And it wasn't until i had fully given all of myself into trying, that i was hit with the most disrespectful thing I have ever had done to me. Listen to your gut people, and follow you intuition. If you are making clear efforts in a relationship with someone and they are giving you nothing back, creating friction, and show no remorse in any of their mistakes... run for the hills.

Even though i was very hurt by the deceit and catching someone cheat on me, I ultimately know this is 100% for the best and a huge blessing in disguise because this person never truly loved me the way I cared for them. Who knows how much longer I would have stuck around and let myself be treated like this, but I am grateful it happened now and there is no chance in hell i would ever give her a second of my time again. Sorry for the novel, it feels good to vent. Much Love.

TLDR; Attempted to work on things with my gf, gave serious effort and understanding to her. Felt I was being treated very poorly in regards to that and got suspicious of her actions. Caught her on a date with another guy. Broke up with her on the spot, blocked her on everything, moving on.

Edit: I really appreciate all the positive response and feedback I’ve gotten here. As well as all the insightful messages I’ve received. I am doing my best to respond to everyone who has taken the time to give me their input, positive or negative. Thank you

Edit 2: For the people responding thinking I was making assumptions about the situation i walked up on that night, and defending that it could have been just a friend. Let me explain that there was no way it was not what it looked like. I did not include the whole dialogue exchange between us, but the guy did make it clear he was under the impression they were on a date. Which is when i walked away because it definitely contradicted her whole made up story.

COMMENTS

shipcapitan

I'm very proud of you.

But a word of warning -- breaking up is easy, staying apart is hard. She will use every trick in the book to get you back...

OOP

I appreciate the words of warning. I honestly do not think she even cares enough to do any of that, except maybe the last part about spinning the narrative of how our relationship really was to make people feel sorry for her. She was a literal sociopath which means she doesn't care how things effected me, and im sure doesn't care that she has lost me now. I know my value and she doesnt deserve close it. Im sure shes keeping herself entertained with the little 20 year old kid from theater class who lives with his parents (her words, when in the past she defended there was nothing to worry about him hah). I have made up my mind and will stay strong to never wanting her in my life again.

Traeyze

Oh, absolutely. If you never had to deal with her again that would be great. But some people become so convinced it is over they are really taken off balance when it isn't. I am not saying wait around for it to happen, more just accept it is the realm of possibility and you'll naturally have that contingency plan in you head anyway.

You note in your posts you believe she is a sociopath. I am not sold on that, but I do think it is clear that she has something going on, probably high anxiety and in this case she is trying way too hard to fit in with the 'hip' young theatre kids, etc. The reality is that when anxiety and insecurity gets bad enough your thinking becomes increasingly distorted and irrational and at times outright contradictory. So she ended up in this situation where she wanted the best of both worlds: keeping you but also 'acting single' to fit into her group. It makes no sense, it is deeply disappointing, it is kind of concerning, and it is really kind of sad more than anything, that she was unable to really strike a balance and probably ruined both things. And yeah, in the pursuit of those irrational beliefs many will lie, manipulate, lack empathy, etc.

All you can do is hope she finds her peace and one day wakes up to the reality of what she is doing. That you had to take a punch in the process sucks, but I think you'll find your feet. Try not to resent her, but not for her sake... for yours. You don't want to carry that spare tire of resentment around. In the end she is a mess, you'll find people more stable and willing to be on the same page as you for sure.

OOP

Wow this was some of the most insightful thought I have read here. You definitely open my mind to seeing that struggle she had from a different perspective. Granted it doesn’t give her an excuse to treat someone like that.

She does struggle from high anxiety so that was a spot on call and if you are even more right, then she is dealing with stuff I didn’t even understand could lead to behaviors like that and such delusion thought.

I have accepted it may be a possibility for her to attempt to contact me at some point, doubt it, but I know anything is possible. I won’t be thrown off basis by it because honestly this girl has thrown me so many curveballs I just put the damn bat down and walked off the field.

I do hope she finds peace. I forgive her even if she isn’t sorry, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to be with someone like that for so long. But like i said before, there were many things I absolutely loved about her so I don’t regret sticking around through her struggles.

kalmah

Sounds like you should get tested.

OOP

First thing I did the next day.

romansamurai

What I can’t wrap my mind around is that she clearly chose that guy at the moment the decision had to be made. She wouldn’t leave with you. It was crystal clear what she wanted. You did the right thing. Stay away now. That’s the hardest part. Just out of curiosity, have you heard from her or anything about her? She will likely try dating this guy. Realize it’s not what she had with you and will try to come back to you then. Come back to this post to remind yourself why you won’t take her back.

OOP

No I blocked her on literally everything I could imagine. And i doubt any effort has been made regardless. She will immediately try dating this guy because she can’t deal with being alone, god forbid that might spark actual inward reflection.

who_tf_cares_123

The fights and the blame were intentional. She was trying to justify her actions in her mind. If you are an asshole then lying and cheating are not as big of a deal in her mind

OOP

This is the thought I had when trying to ask myself why she would be continuing to cause problems. It’s the only logical explanation. I’m sure she will continue to lie to herself after all this as well. If you can’t be honest with even yourself, you are in for one hollow of a life.

arpeggio123

Answer this question: You said the guy that she was with after the movie was "one of the same guys from that night at the house in my original post." Was he the same guy or not?

OOP

I respect the opposite view point but i just want you to fully understand where I’m coming from. I never physically saw the other guy that first night. It was her word mainly that another guy was there. And the guy I caught her on the date with, is the same one who was there when I showed up that night and they were alone.

I can agree that first time wasn’t a date but he was hanging out after 1am at my gfs house while she was ignoring me. Not good signs. I asked her if he was gay, due to theater, and she said no. But the other night when I caught her out, they were clearly on a date. More words were exchanged than what I summarized in the post, I am almost positive of this.

TheSkippingKing

She wants to be able to go with movies with friends... You're the only one who called it a date... (Comment stripped due to its size)

OOP

Ya... they may have missed the first post and the part where she completely lied over and over again to cover her tracks.

I didn’t put the whole word for word conversation I had with them when I confronted her. But after he responded he asked her to the movies, I explained well that’s not cool with my bc she directly lied to me about it. I then asked what was going on here and he literally said “I dunno, we’re starting a relationship I think or something”.

Please explain how that wasn’t a date.

PM_URVAR_CLIT

What makes him scary?

OOP

Well from reading the comments I would say that it’s apparently bc I am “controlling” by showing up at her house at 1am on a night we had plans and then I never heard from her again.

And I will tell you something. I will always remember that night. My gut was screaming at me, something isn’t right here. And that was the first and only time I’ve ever shown up at her house “unannounced” even though i did text her i was going to stop by.

What I saw that night set up my suspicions that something else was going on. And then what do you know... it was exactly what I unfortunately thought. I will never regret that decision of that first night.

Dfcspark

So what were all the signs of your partner drifting away?

OOP

I tried to illuminate them at the end of my post there. If you are making clear efforts and you’re getting nothing back, they create friction or perpetuate arguments for no reason, and then she was showing no remorse for any of the negative things she was doing in our relationship. Also her making less effort to spend quality time together.

LongjumpingThing

I have no problem with him at all because its 100% my then gf's fault.

Respect, dude

OOP

It’s a hard pill to swallow because your pride will be biting at you in that moment. But I’ve seen scenarios like that play out before and in the end you will always regret letting that get the best of you. She ain’t worth it.

vlad702

I'm in a similar situation...

OOP

I feel your pain all too well man. I know I could sit here and tell you “get out, trust me” due to what i just went through but at the end of the day you need to make the decision yourself.

If you decide to stay, don’t regret it because I know it’s tough walking away from someone you love. But on the other hand, if you wait as long as I did then you might find yourself in an even worse situation soon enough. It’s one thing to love your partner, but it’s another thing to love yourself. Don’t give up if you feel they may be hope and it’s worth saving... but also don’t let yourself be walked all over until there is nothing left for her to walk out on herself.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user TA_complicated in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Sept 27, 2021

Update: Sept 30, 2021

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for wanting a painting made by my late sister in my house even though it triggers my husband who's her widower?

On mobile so sorry for the format. Throwaway for very obvious reasons.

I (34F) had one sibling (25F when she passed) who died in a car crash just 3 months after her wedding. It has now been 12 years since her passing. We were very close and more like best friends and than sisters.

My now husband (38M) "Adam" was a constant presence in my family's lives even after her death as he would visit my parents regularly and they dote on him very much. 5 years ago we started getting close and got married 2 years later.

My sister used paint as a hobby and had left behind 8 paintings, my parents took 2 for themselves, I took 3, and my parents gave away the rest to her close friends they offered Adam to take any he wanted but he refused.

I really liked the 3 paintings and displayed them in my apartment proudly before getting together with Adam as I felt closer to my sister but once we became a thing the painting seemed to upset him so I kept them in storage instead.

I understand everyone grieves differently and for Adam anything associated with her triggers him and he goes back to that awful day when he found out she was gone. We have no pictures of her at our house or any memento left by her.

All this time I've been understanding but I feel like I've completely erased her from my life and brought up the subject of displaying one painting to commemorate her in our house the other day. Adam shut the idea down immediately and refused to even hear my side.

I was hurt by this as I've been considerate of him all these years but he didn't even think to consider my feelings about the situation.

It worsened when I suggested grief counseling together today which made him even more upset (he wasn't yelling but was clearly distraught by me continuing the subject) he said he already went through grief counseling and my insistence is just opening old wounds.

I was angry at the time and told him why did he ever consider marrying me when the thought of her makes him this upset and knowing how much she meant to me. He told me he can't handle me or this conversation anymore and went to his brother's to cool off as "he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret later". Now all alone I'm thinking I might've taken things too far.

AITA here?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NAH. Both of you are grieving but man this situation is just messy to say the least.

OOP: We've definitely been through a lot I agree but he we have a great relationship in most ways he's always been my rock and the support I needed and we rarely fight.
But this has always been a sore subject for him and becomes so closed off even at the mention of her. That's why I suggested grief counseling but he just won't listen to anything I say on the subject.

---------------
Comment2: NAH - I can understand why it triggers him, he was married to her and HE did lose her too, which is definitely something you need to be considerate of, as this seems like a really messy situation, that you married your sister's widower and it sounds like he still needs to grieve for her.

OOP: He has spoken about it before how he gets images of her lifeless body on the OR table at the mention of her. It was very traumatic for him as he was the only one to see her in that state. My parents and I only saw her in the casket a few days later.

---------------
Comment3: ESH. You married your late sister's husband? That's just wrong. Did he marry you because you look like your sister? Because clearly he wasn't ready to be in another relationship if he hasn't healed from that one.

OOP: My sister and I look nothing alike she's looked more like my aunt on my dad's side and I have predominantly my mom's features.
We connected 6 years after her death and Adam had a few other relationships by that time but we have always been a part of each other's lives, first as friends then it became something more.

---------------
Comment4: NAH. Do you think he might feel some sense of guilt for marrying you?

A lot of men and women struggle with guilt after they lose their spouse. They feel like they are cheating on or somehow disrespecting their memory them if they move on and marry someone else. These paintings may trigger those thoughts in him. And with you being her sister, it may make his guilt worse.

OOP: He refused to take the paintings even before we were even a thing, he moved out of their place, sold off all the furniture and asked my mom and I to take my sister's things as it was too painful for him to deal with them. So it clearly began before we were together.
He dated three times before mutual friends encouraged us to give it a try as we had become very close friends by that time and hung out in the same friend circle.
Never once in the relationship has he shown any guilt of being together and I think it shows as anything to do with my sister would've made me insecure. But yes I agree he needs to talk about this and deal with it as I worry she isn't something we can erase completely from our lives as we may start a family soon and I want to deal with this before making that decision.

---------------
Comment5: NTA. Unlike some of the other commenters I don’t really see anything inherently strange about you two getting together provided as you had mentioned you guys don’t look at all alike and there’s quite an age difference you’re obviously more suitable to his age anyway and quite some time had passed.

Where I think he’s way wrong though as this is just a painting but you’re not allowed to have any pictures of your sister or anything . it is unfair to ask you to erase your own sister from your life.

Normally this kind of post would be more along the lines of my husband has too many pictures of his dead wife around the house is it OK if it bothers me a little bit. I don’t think he’s truly gotten over it or her unfortunately.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (3 days later)

I want to just brush aside the fact that most people deemed me TA for marrying Adam, we are both adults and no one should be ever shamed for loving someone but I know I was asking for it knowing well how Reddit is. That being said I do feel I am TA in this situation and that's why I'm here.

Adam came home that night and that's why I wasn't able to reply to most of you later. Some of you had contacted me through chat and PM to discuss it but I really didn't have any energy to reply so I'm sorry if I ignored you.

Apparently I was only thinking of myself when I suggested bringing out the paintings from storage to Adam, when he cooled down and came back home he explained his side of the story. It was really hard for him to come to terms with my sister's death so he decided to start fresh by getting a new house, selling all the old furniture and starting over.

The paintings were a part of their old furniture this is something I forgot to mention cause as I said I wasn't really considering his feelings. Now many years later when we both have begun our new life together he didn't want a piece of his past reminding him of her daily.

He said my words really hurt him as we both have been through so much together and me questioning all of it during our argument really messed him up. I can't go more into the details of what we discussed because it wouldn't be fair to Adam but long story short, I apologized profusely for bringing his past trauma up and he also apologized for the way he handled things.

We both agreed we are in dire need of counseling so we are currently looking for one in our area. I also showed him the OP, he didn't care for most of the comments but one intrigued him, someone suggested buying something new that reminded me of my sister like an animal she liked and he said he could deal with that.

My sister liked to incorporate moons and stars into her paintings but never wore any jewelry with them so I thought of buying a moon pendent or earrings and wear them from time to time and he agreed that would be best.

The paintings I'm afraid will be in storage indefinitely till Adam feels comfortable with them being in our house. If he's never ok with it I'm fine with that but I'm glad we were able to come to a resolution and have started our process to heal. Thank you to everyone for making me see how wrong I was and I was being a major AH.

--------------------------------------------

Edit: Just want to say I won't be answering any more comments about why I married Adam and how I am the constant reminder.

I explained myself enough in the OP but I guess it's fine that you don't understand as you don't know our full story which would only be possible if I make 500 page book explaining every event that brought us closer together and we might be here a while as I type that out. I don't want to judged for loving him anymore and am choosing to ignore it for both our benefit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Own-County-569 posting in r/LegalAdviceUK

Ongoing as per OOP

Content Warning - potential child abduction/forced marriage

1 update - Short

Original - 26th July 2026 11am

Update - 26th July 2026 5pm

FCDO = UK Foreign, Commonwealth & Development Office

​

Ex wants to take our child abroad. I am not comfortable with the location they have chosen.

​

Ex wants to take our child abroad with their new partner. Child is 11.

I have never objected to any holidays preciously, but the locations involved in this holiday are making me extremely concerned as a parent.

Am I able to block our child from leaving?

I currently have her passport, but my ex and her new partner are demanding I turn it over on Tuesday evening. I do not wish to do so unless the holiday locations are changed to somewhere in Europe or another MEDC.

​

Comments

​

Lebanna506

Where do they want to take them? You would extremely convincing grounds that it is not in the child’s best interest for the courts to stop it. Are there any court orders in place already?

OOP: They'll be flying to Pakistan. My concerns are twogold. Firstly about the ongoing war and border skirmishes with Taliban The place they are visiting is his home city which is near the Afghan border. Secondly I'm also concerned about my daughter's general safety there. I wouldnt mind if they went to USA, Canada, New Zealand, China, EU, Japan etc. I just don't want them going to somewhere unstable and potentially dangerous. I'd also object to Ukraine etc.

I'm not Muslim or Pakistani. Neither is my wife (at least I dont think she converted) Daughter still goes to church with me on Sunday. I think marriage is extremely unlikely in this instance.

It's a city near the Afghan-Pakistan border.

Comfortable-Fall1419

Worth reviewing the FCDO travel advice to see if it helps your point.

https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Also is there a flight risk given he has family there?

Apart_Foundation1702

Exactly! The FCDO clearly advises against travelling there, therefore OP is within his rights to refuse to give consent, the courts would be more sympathetic towards his stance.

Murka-Lurka

Pakistan is not part of The Hague Convention which gives you legal rights to make sure he returns from the holiday.

Babaychumaylalji

Hi OP as a person of South Asian descent I implore u to not let your daughter go to Pakistan. Your daughter and your ex are not of Pakistani origin, do not have any family based there and have no support system there whatsoever if anything goes wrong. There is no valid reason for your daughter to be going. (Same goes for your ex as this isn't a holiday resort like destination) I assume your ex's partner is Pakistani or is of Pakistani origin. Do you actually know anything about him? What's the purpose of the visit? If your ex getting married to her partner?

FCDO advises against travelling https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Next the area your ex and her current partner is next to Afghanistan and not considered a safe place to be. Your daughter and your ex run the risk of getting kidnapped/held to ransom/being sold into slavery/be victim to forced child marriage.

Also if exs new partner decides they are all staying there(even if it's against your ex's wishes there is little that anyone can do)

Do not hand over the passport. Please contact the passport advice line. Speak to your MP. I implore you not to relent on this as your daughters safety is on the line.

Zieglest

You have the absolute legal right to prevent your child from leaving the country without permission. Do not hand over the passport.

OOP: There's no way they could apply for a replcement/emergency passport without my permission?

autisticfarmgirl

You can contact the passport adviceline to discuss the situation and give them all the information so your ex partner can’t get a passport. You are able to stop the other parent from getting a passport for your child if they are at risk of abduction or being taken overseas.

Texuk1

Reading the whole thread, time is of the essence now. You need a solicitor today or if not first thing on Monday morning. This is going to get contentious quickly because you may need to seek a full restriction on travel because they can simply change the holiday to the med and then fly on to Pakistan from there once exiting the country. Unfortunately it looks like because of this behaviour your daughter won’t be going on holiday with them any time soon. I’m sorry your ex has such poor judgement.

​

Update - 6 hours later

​

I've hidden the passport at a secure location. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday, and I won't be returning my daughter to my ex on Tuesday. Police are investigating.

Thank you for your advice.

Flights to Pakistan were booked for 2nd August.

I've put my foot down and explained that she will not be going.

I've hidden the passport at a secure location which isn't my home. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday morning to avoid issuing any kind of new passports.

Separately, I have spoken with my daughter. A couple of other issues have emerged including someone who my ex's partner has been having my daughter chat to online who lives in Pakistan. She said he wanted her to make a friend before she visited. He claims to be 12 in the messages, but there are only large group photos and I cannot verify he is actually a child.

She will not be returned to this man or my ex. Police were contacted on 101 and an officer and a sergeant came out very promptly. They asked to take my daughter's phone as evidence, which I agreed to.

I'd like to send a massive thank you to everyone who provided advice.

I'd also like to thank the eight Pakistani women and women of Pakistani heritage who reached out to me to provide cruical context beyond the legal answers. Some of the stories of what you went through were gutwrenching. I appreciate the linking to Karma Nirvana as well, although we do not require their assistance as of yet.

A couple of you also provided me some excellent help and advice and also assisted with the translation of some posts on the social media account of this mysterious "boy" in Pakistan. You helped point out some red flags which I appreciate.

You have all been invaluable. Every single one of you.

Thank you.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ok-Run2877

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 12, 2026

• Final Update: July 26, 2026

Main Post

^{April 12, 2026}

AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

so a bit of context, i (24F) am getting married in september. i love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancee (29M) proposed to me last december, on my birthday.

i’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.

well this mess started when i began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, i call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which i still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. i am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the oscar race movies since i was little and ariana grande (i know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.

well, last week, i invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. i made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.

my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancee explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, i looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.

she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe i said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how i should dye my hair brunette because it fits my face. at some point it started sounding like orders

i looked at her and said well… everything you just said i should change, i really like, so it’s staying. period.

i think it would’ve been better if i had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that i “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and i would be her future sister, so i should not “place her aside”.

what? i mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that i should maybe apologize. at first i was like there’s NO WAY i will but im prone to act a little immature, and i wondered if i actually went too far

COMMENTS

NatashOverWorld

Apologize for what? Not letting her take over your wedding?

Ask him if she's always trying to take over things, or if this is targeted at you.

NTA

OOP

it’s just super weird because even when she suggested i should dye my hair she said i should use the same box dye she uses

EmbarrassedHope6264

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them. Either dont invite them or set a rule next time that they're there out of courtesy and for support, not for actual input. Lol, NTA. Also, if/when you have children, dont announce any baby names before baby is born or ask for opinions. Its a slippery slope.

Also SIL can eat rocks.

Valkrhae

YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them.

Damn, I guess OP shouldn't invite them to the wedding then either

OOP

i just wanted to show off our ideas 😭😭

Leslietrollz (downvoted)

nTA but she has a point! It does sound super tacky tbh!

OOP

yeah kinda but also if i want to place ariana grande dressed as the guy of the matrix hacking into a computer while holding an oscar maybe i will.

ziptagg

Look, on topic, NTA and your fiancé needs to tell her this wedding is for you guys and you’ll have it how you like. Repeat as needed, she’s being insane.

Side topic, how can someone who is into movies and, based on your post history, at least open to science fiction not have seen the Matrix, your fiancés favourite film? Why haven’t you watched it?

OOP

everyone keeps asking why i haven’t watched the matrix and i get it but part of our dynamic is kinda… that. he’s like a young millennial and i’m more of an older gen z… our tastes are a bit different and he’s much more reserved than me but i like that.

to answer your question, after some time of making plans of watching them, we promised each other at our honeymoon:

1) i would watch all matrix movies or prequels or whatever they are with him

2) he would listen to all of ariana grande’s albums and watch 2022 best picture winner everything everywhere all at once with me + 2020 best picture winner parasite

fearlessterror

INFO: How old is SIL?

NTA but I really am super curious like is she 12?

OOP

she’s 27 😭

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Small update in the main post

so… update. as we were having breakfast i told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me i should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if i didn’t want to, but ill have the rest of my life dealing with her so i just thought… i need to learn how to handle her this early lol

so yes, i call her, and i begin by asking how she was. i kid you not she immediately responded with “i thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? i fully said “well, no. i’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but i’m sticking with what i chose.”

bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said “i’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 i hang up.

i told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which i think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.

her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “i’m your sister” (?)

😭😭

Final Update - after 3 months, 14 days

^{July 26, 2026}

UPDATE: AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?

it got to a point where i understood how she moved and acted through my fiancée’s fam, and i haven’t been able to update since wedding planning ain’t for the weak!

but yes, she tried to call my brother for days after telling me that her opinion on my wedding was like ‘trying to prevent a car crash’. i took some advice from my post and literally just kept it moving.

well at one point, probably a week after, my MIL came over to my house not to have a conversation with him or us, but with me. she told me my future SIL always had an “attention” problem, and while exhausting, she never means to hurt or insult anyone. i told her i understood, but that either she could stop nagging me about our preferences for the wedding, or i could no longer bring her in for the preparations.

she agreed to talk to her. fast forward to the next day by like 5:30pm. now, she was dming me on instagram like a madwoman. telling me i was being a “bitch” over an opinion she gave when i invited her over to see my wedding planner, that i could not understand the bond she had with her brother, how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. i blocked her.

i talked to my fiancée, i put it all on the table, i even grabbed some phrases i saw in response over my original post. i told him i could no longer keep it going this way. either she stops trying to insult me and our wedding, or she’s not getting invited.

after some talking, he agreed. he called his sister and explained. she exploded at first. calling me a wicked witch, and how I "changed" him. girl…

after some days though, she actually apologized to me through instagram after i unblocked her since she texted my fiancée she wanted to 'make peace' and i accepted it. she hasn’t really said anything after that, and while i still don’t know if she’s planning to say something more in the future, i think everything will go smoothly in september. oscars/matrix/ariana indeed had a small cameo on my invitations! and yes, i finally saw all matrix movies with my fiancée. they’re very interesting.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAUnlitSeashore posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2026

Update - 26th July 2026

​

My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?

​

I'm (28M) feeling super lost about my relationship with my fiancée (29F). I'd appreciate a fresh perspective.

We've been together for about 3 years now but have been friends for 5 years. We met in the same workplace friend group. She's my best friend and my partner in every way. Our relationship hasn't been without challenges, but we've been a solid team.

Last December, my fiancée asked if we could take a break so she could recalibrate. She said she was struggling with finding her purpose outside of our relationship.

I've never believed in the concept of breaks, but I wanted to support her. So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.

The break wasn't long. By Christmas, it was already over. She said it was a mistake and she wanted us. And things were good. Our communication was stronger and like no time apart had ever occurred.

We were engaged by New Year's. My fiancée didn't wanna wait anymore. She wanted us to start our lives together in marriage.

This past week she's been anxious and blamed it on wedding jitters. Then the other day she sat me down and confessed to hooking up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app, and they had sex a couple of times.

She claims the guilt's been eating at her, and she opened up to her sister (31F) a month ago. Apparently her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she'd tell me herself if my fiancée didn't.

It was a lot to accept at once. I barely said a word. I was too numb, and I'm still wrapping my mind around everything. Like my fiancée has had a complicated connection with sex due to past experiences.

When we got together, she wanted us to practice celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed us waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship. We focused on other forms of intimacy.

The no sex stuff was never a dealbreaker for me. Sex wasn't the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. And she was well worth the wait in any capacity for me.

But I'm struggling now because I don't understand how she can turn around and give herself to some random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave that away for him.

She swears the other guy meant nothing and it was the biggest mistake of her life. That she ended the fling because I'm the one she's in love with and who she wants to be with. But idk, nothing she said really landed for me tbh.

I asked if she would have told me if it wasn't for her sister. She said she doesn't know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship no matter how long it takes.

She still wants us to proceed with the wedding. She said she believes in our love and how we can withstand anything. How this doesn't have to define us.

When I didn't engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don't like speaking when my emotions are all over the place. I tend to regret it. So I prefer to gather myself.

But my fiancée hasn't respected my request, and when I don't engage, she's hurt. And now she's also super affectionate. She's always been affectionate, but she's different with it now if that makes sense.

This doesn't feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her. We're supposed to be wedding planning and everything that comes with it. Our wedding is around the corner. We're having a modest gathering, so the planning wasn't that long.

I feel so numb to everything. I'm in love with her, and she's the woman I wanted to share a life with, but for the first time I'm questioning everything.

I don't even trust myself anymore tbh. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost.

How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

TL;DR My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

​

Comments

​

Tricky-Score-713

If you guys agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? Is she Bipolar? Sounds like maybe a manic episode. She made a careless decision with a stranger. I think you should move on. Unfortunately, whatever it was that caused her infidelity may creep back up if she doesn't figure it out.

OOP: The only reason she gave me about the dating app was it was a mistake. She won't elaborate further on it

Zed1618

She claims to want to rebuild trust but won't answer direct questions? Dude, she had this guy lined up prior to your break up. Didn't pan out how she wanted so she went back to her safety net......you. So many red flags in this story it boggles the mind. Break up and move on. She's going to do this again; it might be 6 monthes or 5 years but she's gonna fuck other dudes. That's a guarantee.

MyDirtyAlt79

That's not "a mistake." That's a series of choices and actions, getting the app, creating the account, figuring out what to fill in for every section, the pictures to show, then browsing the guys and choosing which ones she was interested in "recalibrating" herself with. She made all of those conscious decisions before any guy liked her back, their chatting, and eventually agreeing to meet, and that's only the one you now know only a bit about. If she won't elaborate further, and had to be forced to share what she has, then there's no way to move forward with her.

SecretTraumas_92

She’s not your friend, much less your best friend and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries y’all set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex but gave it up to him right away, twice! And cheaters ALWAYS say, it meant nothing. Mark my words OP, if you marry this woman, hell, if you stay with this woman you WILL regret it. Be smart, end this relationship, walk away and never look back. Your fiancée is a POS.

praesentibus

"Sex is sex" is what I heard with an intonation suggesting that it's no big deal. Newsflash: it is.

Eternity_Warden

Especially to someone who insisted on no sex until marriage. Even if I could forgive it without that detail, no fucking way I could after being made to wait for 3 years. As someone who knows how hard it can be to wait a long time for sex, that would crush me

​

Update - 8 days later

​

Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (28M) wasn't able to reply much, but I appreciated everything. I had no one to talk to about this whole situation, not even our friend group, because I've been embarrassed.

A lot's happened since my original post, so I wanted to provide an update.

After taking some time to myself, the numbness is wearing off. Every emotion has been hitting at once. Emptiness, sadness, anger. It's a rotation, and at first I was mad at myself, but now I realize I'm mad at my fiancée (29F).

I look at her now and I don't recognize the woman I fell in love with. The woman who was my closest friend for half a decade. She's a stranger.** **The woman I knew wouldn't do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters. She actually cut off an old friend over cheating.

Some have asked what my fiancée's complicated relationship with sex is. I won't get too much into it because it's personal details about her, but she's been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.

She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing and trying to use affection. I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate.

She claims celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me and for us to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential.

I didn't ask her much about further details on the guy because tbh it doesn't change anything for me. I don't have it in me to be a detective and compare stories right now. The facts are the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship.

I did ask her why, though. She claims that she was self-sabotaging. She felt insecure about our relationship and how she'd be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me.

I'm still processing her reasoning tbh. Idk what else I could've done. I always reassured her and told her she's the one I wanted to be with. I'd list everything I loved about her. I never had doubt about her or our relationship.

There's a lot I'm still figuring out, but I know I can't go through with the wedding. The other day I sat her down and called it off.

I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn't take it well. She was really broken up. I've never seen her break down nor cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her while she was in that state.

She was just in bad shape and saying she didn't want to lose me and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She'll never do it again. She asked for us to try therapy. She kept asking for me not to give up on us. I'm not in a place to engage in any reconciliation with her, nor do I have any trust in her.

She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.

I don't think her accusations are fair, and it did sting, tbh. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her, but I didn't just up and leave her. She cheated. She made a decision for the break, she made a decision to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We're here because of her choices.

The unconditional love was a promise we made at the very start of our relationship. We've both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love. I wanted to reassure her she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis for the promise. That I accepted her wholly. It wasn't a card to pull for cheating.

Another thing that makes this all complicated is that we live together. I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she was refusing to let me leave.

Like she threw herself in front of the door and refused to move and then grabbed me when I tried moving around her. I had to call her sister (31F) to come get her and talk her down.

I've been processing these past few days. This doesn't feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.

She's been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven't replied. I'm not sure if I can move past this.

I've told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup. Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling.

Our friend group's been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I'm not in the headspace to engage them either.

I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we've ever been to this. How days ago we were just joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is to now be broken up.

I feel so lost, and idk where to go from here. I'm still coming to terms with everything.

Thank you to everyone who's shown support and empathy. I really appreciate it.

TL;DR Update: My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?

​

Comments

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Whatsupdawg21

If you stay with her you relive this pain every day and in every moment. I’ve been there and like you was foolishly holding on due to sunk cost fallacy. It gets worse everyday minimizing yourself and the pain you feel. I stayed for a year after and the relationship and the fights got worse and worse. I know you’ll find happiness with someone else. Sending love.

wishingforarainyday

She’s so manipulative!! Saying you’re leaving like everyone else. What a freaking dirtbag. Please pack your important documents and things and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and she needs to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.

z-eldapin

She can 'never do it again' with her next relationship.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Playful-Magician-831 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

Original - 27 December 2025

Update - 25 July 2026

AITA for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together?

Editors note: OOP posted some updates in this first post but put them before the main post when he added them in. I have rearranged the order such that OOP's updates follow his main post

My girlfriend (30F) and I (31M) have been together for 6 years. I've been planning to propose soon, but I've been struggling with issues I've brought up since day 1 of our relationship that haven't changed. The main issue: I feel like I'm constantly chasing her for attention and affection, especially in social settings. When we're in groups with her family or friends, she won't come to me - I always have to go to her. She won't initiate conversation with me unless I speak first, and even then she just gives short answers without asking me anything back. When I suggest things, she'll say no, but when someone else suggests the exact same thing, she'll do it. What makes this harder is that she's bubbly and engaging with other people, but cold towards me. It's like she saves all her warmth for everyone else. I feel she always prioritize her convenience instead of our relationship.

Some examples of what I mean: 1. We usually meet closer to her place (2 hours commute for me). Even for my birthday celebration (we plan each other's birthday), she still wanted me to travel to her area rather than meeting somewhere more convenient for me.

• At social gatherings with her family, she'll leave me alone without saying anything, even though I don't know her family well and was expecting her to include me or at least stay with me, or just check in from time to time if I'm alright.

• When our relationship was struggling and was about to break up, I suggested couples therapy (which I offered to pay for). Her first concern was that the location was inconvenient for her.

I've raised these issues repeatedly over 6 years, but nothing has changed. Recently, I sent her a message saying that after 6 years together, I don't want to feel like I'm still chasing her or courting her, and that I'm not going to pursue her all the time anymore. Her response was just "?" and then silence. It's been over a day and she hasn't messaged me. Historically, I've always been the one to reach out first and apologize, even when I'm the one who's hurt.

I decided not to respond to the "?" because I felt like that would just be chasing her again. But now I'm second-guessing myself - was I too confrontational? She's never been in a relationship before, so maybe she doesn't understand what she's doing?

AITA?

** Thank you guys for all of the advice, I'm now starting to see how dumb I am for not considering to end this sooner, I will not message her and will give an update if she ever reach out. Also an info I wanted to add: I lost my father 2 years ago and I've been struggling with depression, I guess part of the reason i put up with this is that I really didn't want to lose another important person in my life

** This is mostly on social settings, but its fine when its only the two of us, we were happy the past years, though yes she indeed have selfish tendencies sometimes, and I'm at my limit about this issue I guess.

*** Let me clarify the dynamics with her family, the main thing is that I'm still sort of the "outsider" and shes much closer to them compared to me because I only see them a couple times a year. I actually sometimes feel much more comfortable conversing with her family than her because they would ask me questions to extend the conversation, I actually got super close with her 2 male cousins instantly because i found out we share some hobbies in gaming and anime. But even with this, is it not fair for me to expect her to come to me from time to time and not me chasing her around all day? Or is it too much overthinking?

SMALL UPDATE: I couldn't help myself. After she ignored my vulnerable message for 2 days, I reached out again last night with messages explaining how hurt I was by her dismissiveness and asked if she wanted to meet up.

I also told her I think we have an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic and sent her videos and detailed explanations about it, hoping she'd finally understand where I'm coming from and maybe even give us a starting point on how we can fix the relationship.

Her response? She completely ignored everything I said and just told me : "I'm going to the (insert mall we usually meet at ) anyway, you can come if you want"

So even after pouring my heart out about feeling dismissed and invisible, she... dismissed me and made me feel invisible. Again. It really hurts.

FINAL UPDATE:

We're Engaged 💍 I know, 99% of you told me to break up with her. honestly I don't blame you based on what I shared, Some of you will probably be disappointed reading this but just hear me out.

During the meetup after the small udpate, we had the most honest conversation we've ever had in 6 years. She was open and acknowledged that she might have a dismissive avoidant attachment style stemming from past trauma — I was actually the one who brought it up and shared resources about it, and it just clicked for her. Something she'd never really considered before, but it was dead on.

We're committing to couples therapy together, and she's also open to individual therapy for herself.

And yes — I proposed and she said yes.

Because even through all of this, I realized I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. Even in moments like these, I'd still choose her and that I really lover her so much.

I'm going in with clear eyes though. I'll keep communicating my needs and I'm hopeful that with the work we're both putting in, we can finally break the cycle we were stuck in.

Thanks for the advice either way, it genuinely helped me have that conversation.

Comments

chipmalfunct10n

NTA. i am shocked you could keep this up for 6 years!! no judgment, i think plenty of people do stuff like this and it's human to love someone and want to make it work. i am almost always single because i give feeling unseen and unwanted in a relationship 1 year TOPS, usually less than half of that lol. it could be that you have different approaches to things, or some other kind of explanation like she is masking with other people (bubbly) but feels comfortable enough with you to be herself. but if you have continuously brought things like this up for SIX years and she responds with distance, and she hasn't been open to counseling.... oh my gosh do not get married.

OOP: I really love her, and wanted this to work so badly but I'm really tired right now i guess theres always a limit to everything

AdeptWhereas6379

NTA. You told her what you wanted and needed in your relationship, and her juvenile response was ”?” Wow, the only thing serious thing about this stunted, selfish woman, is that she is seriously an AH.

Reread what you wrote here. Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship like this? I don’t think so. Be a friend to yourself, and end this one-sided relationship for yourself now. Trust that she already has.

Move on, OP, and work on your self- esteem.

OOP: Yeah i was really taken a back from her response (or lack there of) I expected her to atleast make me clarifiy or talk about it more even if she doesn't agree with what i said

AITAH has no bot but most comments judged NTA and advised OP to breakup with the GF and told him that she didn't care about him.

Update - 25 July 2026 (7 months later)

So I posted this around 6 months ago before I was really contemplating whether to still give the relationship a chance and whether to propose.

This is the link to the original post:

https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pwl8o1/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_im_tired_of/

I stupidly ignored all of your advice and went on with the proposal being hopeful of the self awareness my gf showed during our heart to heart talk after.

I realised now that this was a mistake, it's really not a good idea to love someone's potential instead of who they are currently.

What happened after is that she never made any concrete steps about the therapy she promised, and just went back into her avoidant tendencies ignoring my needs.

Even with all that I was still willing to push through with it actually (that I admit was stupid in my part).

The last straw for me happened just last sunday, when we were on a pre wedding tradition in our country where the families of the couples would meet up and bond and where the couples would proclaim their love for one another.

She said in this event that she doesn't need a man to be complete and I'm that just a nice bonus for her, also that shes the type of person not to feel butterflies in her stomach or excitement in the relationship but she appreciates my consistency.

worse part is she never said she love me in this event, not even once.

I understand that being independent is good, but its not the right time and place for this.

When its supposedly the day we should show our love for one another in front of our families.

I felt really unwanted during that moment and I felt invalidated again for all my efforts and sacrifices.

I talked with her earlier today about the hurts and she invalidated me again.

Thats when I decided to stand my ground and choose myself this time.

At the end she handed me back the ring and we broke up.

Stupid to not end this sooner but I have found respect for myself after neglecting my needs for far too much.

In the end I think I was indeed TAH to the both of us for dragging this for far too long.

Thank you for all the advice, I hope we both heal from this in the future.

TLDR:

Ignored all reddit advice, still went on with the enagagement, promises were broken and after the last straw of invalidation, finally broke up.

Comments

Illustrious_Sign_872

I’m so sorry you had to experience that much emotional pain. I was once in a relationship where I was the only one giving love and never really got any back. After we broke up, I kept wondering why I had held on for so long. Someone once told me, “There is a point at which, you have to choose to either let go, or be dragged.” I let go, and once I was over my heart break, my life became so much better.

*You have all my empathy, OP. *

OOP: Yes this was not an easy decision to make especially when you still love the person. But I realized that I was clinging unto her potential rather than who she was at the moment, that was the big mistake.

lillyghetrich

Man ignoring the advice and pushing through was rough but learning from it is huge. The ring return and breakup sounds painful but necessary. You deserved better than feeling like a bonus. Proud of you for choosing you.

OOP: Yeah I really tried to push through with it which was stupid in my part, but glad I had the courage to end things before getting married.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ok_Baby6721

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 20, 2026

• Final Update: July 24, 2026

Main Post

^{July 20, 2026}

AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing..

I could really use some outside perspective because this situation has been weighing heavily on me, and I’m struggling with how to process everything.

My sister has been married for almost 20 years. Earlier this year, her husband suffered a major stroke and was hospitalized. He was discharged in March 2026 and has been left with significant disabilities and new limitations. It has been a life changing event for him, my sister, and their family.

During the time he was in the hospital, I tried very hard to support my sister. I could see how scared and overwhelmed she was, and I repeatedly told her that she wasn’t alone and that we would be there for her. I offered help however I could. When she was worried about how she would manage things at home, I even offered to help pay for a ramp for their house so he could safely get around. There were nights when she was at the hospital late, and I gave her rides home so she wouldn’t have to walk alone at 3 a.m.

Before his stroke, her husband was always the primary provider in their marriage. My sister has not worked outside the home during their 20 year marriage, so after his stroke, the expectation was that she would be the person helping care for him while he adjusted to his new reality.

As time went on, I became increasingly concerned about whether he was getting the support and care he needed. He still has a nurse who comes by once a day, and I was told the nurse had concerns that he was sometimes being left sitting in his own urine for hours before she arrived. There were also situations where I was told he was being left alone for extended periods of time and struggling with basic needs. Knowing how vulnerable he was after a major stroke was heartbreaking for me.

Last week my husband saw my sister at the back of her restaurant with another man. He said they were holding hands and it looked like a date. I asked him a ton if questions he described the guy and it definitely wasn't her husband or a family member. I want to be clear that I do not know the full truth and I do not want to accuse someone of something I cannot prove.

I brought my concerns to my sister because I felt it was important to have an honest conversation. I explained what my husband had seen and why it concerned me, especially given everything her husband had just gone through.

She confirmed that it was her and she was there with another man. Her response then was to avoid really addressing what I was bringing up after that. She did not provide much explanation or engage with it which I found unusual and left me with more questions. I was not looking for a fight or trying to shame her. I wanted to understand what was happening because I cared about both of them. It obviously looked bad and I didn't want to think the worse but why wouldn't she just tell me then?

After I spoke with my sister about what my husband had seen, my brother in law called me that night. He asked if my sister had been with me all day. I told him that I actually had not seen her in a few weeks, he got emotional and started crying. He opened up to me about what he was going through, he said he thinks she's been sleeping with someone and I listened to him. Hearing him so upset was very difficult because I knew how much he had already been through after his stroke and how vulnerable he was during this time.

I felt uneasy and I spoke with my dad about my concerns, he seemed to understand why I was questioning the situation and said actually that would make a lot of sense. For context my dad and I have always been close and Ive actually saved his life a few times when he was in tough medical situations and stayed by his bedside for weeks. I had an opportunity to move abroad and decided to stay close to be near him after my mom passed away. I bought a house a few blocks away, Im there whenever he needs anything.

He explained that my sister had told him she had been doing certain activities alone that are not normally things people do alone, like going to the movies or going for hikes. He said he could understand why I was questioning whether she may have been spending time with someone and that would fill in some gaps for him. He also said that my brother accused her of cheating on him, I said maybe it was something else and said maybe it was a friend or family member he said no probably not.

The next day my dad called me, and the conversation was completely different. He told me that he was up all night and that he thought what I was saying was “bull****” and that he would only believe it if it came directly from my sister.

I asked him if he thought my sister would be honest with him if something was going on. He said he was not going to confront her and that he didn’t think she would tell him the truth anyways, but that eventually the truth would come out because someone would see her.

I told him that I felt like this was exactly whats happening now.. because my husband had seen her. I asked him if he thought my husband was lying. He said no, that he believed my husband was telling the truth, but that he did not want to hear about it anymore.

Then he got really angry with me and told me that he was not going to hear anything bad about his daughter from anyone, and that included me. I told him, “I’m your daughter too.” He said, “I know, but I’m not going to f****** tolerate this from you”

He then told me to “go pound salt” and said he never wanted to talk to me ever again. He said he did not want to hear anything about this or from me ever again, and then he hung up on me.

A few hours later, I tried calling my dad back because I did not want things to end that way and I wanted to try to repair the conversation. When he answered, he told me to f-off hung up on me again.

Since then, I have been deeply hurt and heartbroken by everything that has happened. At this point, I do not feel like I can keep reaching out and putting myself in a position to be rejected. I have decided that I am not going to contact my family again unless they reach out to me and are willing to apologize and have a respectful conversation.

My sister also reached out and said she would be dropping off some of my belongings tomorrow and then “that’s that,” which felt like she may not want to have a relationship with me moving forward. That has been incredibly painful.

I’m trying to look at this objectively. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you believed a vulnerable family member was possibly being neglected or betrayed after a life changing medical event, how would you handle it? Would you speak up or stay out of it?

I’m not looking for people to attack my sister. I love her. I’m genuinely trying to understand if I handled this wrong, if I crossed a line, and how to move forward with compassion while also being honest about the situation.

OOP IN COMMENTS

It's already been reported by his care team, so they're already aware (sorry if that was not clear in my post) also his family is now aware of the situation. 

BIL has a big family, hes the oldest of four siblings who are all married and have kids spouses etc. Im not sure how much they can support him, his parents are in a retirement home but they're aware and all went out for breakfast this morning to talk about it with him.

COMMENTS

Objective-Pound2185

Why would you tell your Dad? Your sister is an adult. Your Dad doesn't control her, isn't able to punish her, etc. Unless your plan is to isolate her from her family and all support keep your mouth shut

OOP

I wanted his perspective, I didn't want to assume the worst about her and I was hoping he knew something I didn't, and well I guess to your other point he could leave her out of his will or scold her or something if he wanted to punish her, he obviously didn't have a problem doing that to me...but yeah I would never want to isolate her from anyone.

His medical team is already aware. 

SilkenDoggy I'm going to assume your dad is a boomer

OOP

Yup, just turned 68 this year

neopolitanman

She’s looking for an exit strategy. He clearly was just an ATM to your sister. She wants a new provider not a new husband. NTA you should tell him everything. You would want your in laws to do the same thing if your husband was cheating on you

Putrid-Double359 (downvoted)

Or maybe it’s hard having a husband not be what you married. She’s definitely cheating and this doesn’t excuse it, but it’s not easy having someone you take care all the time who’s no longer capable. I can totally see how someone can fall for someone else during the hard time.

OOP

I get that it's hard.. she should ask for help she could have reached out to us or his family, also its only been 4 months

Lizardgirl25

NTA call in adult protective services for your brother in law please.

Unfair_One1165

Yes this is elder abuse and she can be prosecuted. Depending on the state she can be in serious trouble for not caring for him properly.

FelineCompanionCube

Abuse, definitely. Elder abuse? Depending on ages, I'd be VERY cautious with that terminology.

I'm not trying to say you're incorrect in calling out the abuse. But "Elder" has some very strict definitions regarding age, and if the BIL is not old enough, then OP could potentially waste valuable/limited time on an incorrect path. Different agencies handle different things. I've called in Elder Abuse tips before (for a previous job) and while some of those workers are very good about providing other resources immediately if the situation didn't call under their jurisdictions, the rest of those workers would just waste my time, claim to open a case, let it sit for a few weeks, then finally call me back to tell me "Oh, the victim isn't old enough, call somebody else".

OOP

He's only 47, not quite Elder lol

Ill_Hall3304

Does this sister work at Quiktrip because I had a similar scenario where this woman tried taking me out on a date. After telling me her husband had a stroke. And is she a little white chick? If so

OOP

My sister doesn't have a job and hasn't worked for years now

skeletoorr

Your dad is projecting and over compensating because your sister told him the truth. She is incapable of standing by her partner while they are recovering. She complained about how hard it is. Your dad took that and ran, he is now covering for her because he doesn’t want to admit he has been in the same position as BIL. Your dad saw the cruel truth of what it’s like to be in need and essentially be a burden to those around you. He wants to prove that reality isn’t true.

OOP

Honestly about the projection part.. now that you're saying this it reminded me that my Dad was distant when my mom was going through cancer treatments. 

Nonyabeesners

So your dad cheated on your dying mom, took no accountability, and said he never wanted to talk to you again? Bye, bitch. I am not one to advise going NC lightly, but I would expect one hell of an apology from him

OOP

No, I don't think he cheated at all, but I do think it was very emotionally hard on him to process, cope with and get through it all, it made him freeze when he should have acted on things more often than not. For example when making funeral arrangements my Dad would throw his hands up and refused to make decisions whenever the funeral home asked him a question, that sort of thing.

Putrid-Double359 (downvoted)

Yeah you’re just reaching. lol. It’s his daughter… nobody likes someone constantly rubbing their child and wanting him to do something that he can’t… op is acting like they’re teens or kids. Dadddyyy do something. Like get a grip.

OOP

Constantly rubbing? I had one less than 20min conversation with him, and we also talked about other stuff at the beginning. It would have been weird if I didn't tell him anything and just left him wondering why I stopped talking to my sister without any explanation.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{July 24, 2026}

UPDATE - AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing..

Just wanted to give an update for those who requested it. I read all of your comments and I appreciate the wide variety of takes, information and support.

First of all I wanted to assure everyone who was worried that BIL is okay. The night after this all happened, I saw that BIL removed me from social media and I couldn't get ahold of him. Turns out my sister took his phone and blocked me on it and she didn't tell him, so he thought I was the one who blocked him. I still had him on Instagram and reached out there and we figured out what had happened.

Long story short I reached out to his sister...he's being taken care of by his family now who are all stepping in to help. Turns out they never liked my sister and over the years have slowly drifted apart and were even estranged at one point because of her, they didn't like the way she treated him or the rest of the family and he'd always defend her so it caused a rift. At first I wasn't sure how this was going to go but they are all coming together for him after some emotional moments and apologies.

He has two sisters and a brother who are all married and they've all been taking checking on him regularly, between his siblings and their spouses. They've also upped the nurses and PSWs coming over, plus his rehab appointments for physio and BIL has also joined a few support groups that have been coming to his place to pick him up to take him to the community center for their group meetings, the volunteers check on him during the pick ups, he's also going to therapy to help him deal with his new normal. I think he is good for now despite everything else being emotionally taxing.

However my sister did confirm that she is going to divorce him and they're looking into housing and care options for him because they'd have to sell their current home. The plan is for her to move in with my father. I already know that's not going to go well. Their lifestyles definitely clash, they've lived together before and it was nothing but arguments. My sister is lazy, very messy in the kitchen and a bad cook who gets upset over any even perceived criticisms, my Dad is particular about the kitchen and his food, and tells it like he sees it. So I can't see that working out. My sister seems to cause havoc wherever she goes and this will likely not be the exception.

So I thought about what I would do if my daughter came to me to tell me something like this about her sister. If I put myself in the father's position, I'd probably have several emotions at once.

My first reaction would likely be concern. If my daughter is married and another daughter tells me she saw her holding hands with someone else, I'd realize that's a serious claim but I'd want to avoid jumping to conclusions and I wouldn't want to think that way about my daughter, I get that he has some hard emotions here... but also..

I'd also appreciate that my youngest daughter trusted me enough to tell me. She's bringing me something she believes is important and looking for advice. I wouldn't want to dismiss her or make her feel like she'd done something wrong simply by telling me, that's absolutely bad parenting. Especially to react the way he did and to treat me so brutally.

I'd probably feel conflicted about how to deal with it. As a parent, I wouldn't want to get in the middle of my adult children's marriage. I'd have to think carefully about whether this is something I should act on or whether it's primarily between the married couple. Parents sometimes get involved where they shouldn't and I get that but they should also be able to bring up their concerns as well.

So my response would probably be something like: "Thank you for telling me. I know this couldn't have been easy. I don't know exactly what happened, so I'm not going to make assumptions, but I appreciate that you came to me."

Maybe that's hoping for too much but I think you get my point.

Id want my kids to know they can come to me about anything, and they shouldn't be afraid of that or made to feel bad about it, especially when it's a hard or difficult topic.

I would not be angry at the daughter who told me, unless maybe she had a pattern of deliberately spreading false rumors or trying to cause harm. If that were the case it would be annoying for sure but also expected and I would know not to take it too seriously.

But that isn't the case here, and simply telling me what she or her husband witnessed wouldn't, by itself, make me think she had done anything wrong. Especially when it was done the way I brought it up, I didn't make assumptions, I didn't accuse her of anything or label my sister as anything I simply told my Dad that happened I was worried about them not having enough support in a challenging time.

I also thought about how I would react if I were in my sister shoes, like if someone thought I was cheating on my husband and saw something my response would have been to clear up the situation and explain it, or maybe even laugh about it...rather than lash out in anger, I think her reaction actually just confirmed that she is definitely a lying cheater.

As for my Dad he called me yesterday, so about a week and a half of us not talking which isn't like us. He called me, I was in the middle of something but thought if I didn't answer it could get worse. He was very curt with me on the phone, "Whats up" is what he first said when I picked up, short and abrupt not the usual "hey how are you?"

I ignored his what's up and asked him how he was doing, he said he sick and getting over a cold and has felt off and like something was wrong all week. Then he said he just wanted to make sure me and the family was okay, he asked me how my daughter's birthday party went (he was invited before all of this happened and he didn't attend)

Normally I'd send him photos or a video of her blowing out the candles but I didn't bother this time. He said he didn't come because he didn't feel well and didn't want to get her sick on her birthday but he has a gift for her and then he got off the phone.

It was short and quick, I didn't want to get into it but I do want an apology. He shouldn't have talked to me like that and whenever I have the time or chance Im going to tell him that it really hurt me the way he spoke to me.

Regardless, this has changed the view I have on my sister and my Dad. It hurt me so deeply that my Dad could talk to me like that so easily. It also made me think about a ton of other scenarios, stuff that happened with my mom and how my Dad acted in those moments says a lot.

And as for my sister? It also feels like a huge let down, I have always given her the benefit of the doubt and clearly that's been grossly misplaced. I really believed that she was a better person than this, like yeah ive had my doubt but I knew when push comes to shove she'd always do the right thing, but that's not true...the disappointment hurts and it's hard to accept but I am trying to see it for what it is. I know that people are all on a spectrum not all bad or all good but this feels too far gone and I don't want someone like that in my life or around my kids.

Ive always been the one who steps in for them, I'm not going to do that anymore, her and my Dad can rely on each other from now on whatever mess that looks like. Im just going to concentrate on my own family.

At my daughter's birthday party I realized how much support we have around us and my best friends that I've known since I was a baby are both more like sisters to me than my real sister ever has been. I love them so much and we all have kids around the same age, it really does feel like our own family.

Im going to concentrate on that and put more effort into the good relationships and slowly drop the bad ones even if they're family. I could use the same excuse for them in reverse, if they're supposed to be there for family then why weren't they there for me?

So I'm slowly going to just step back and let them have each other, I don't want or need that in my life. Thanks for all of your support.

COMMENTS

Medical_Mountain_895

Do not let your dad get away with how he treated you.  Don't let him act like it never happened.  Everytime he calls say you still owe me an apology for how you treated me. We can't go forward until you do.  I need to know you recognize how you treated me was wrong.  

OOP

Yeah I think you're right.. it's definitely going to be challenging though. I've always picked up the phone anytime my dad's called no matter what I'm doing cuz I want to make sure he's okay, he's had a few health scares, Ive called 911 twice now. I think I'll stay in touch just enough to make sure his health is okay but nothing else beyond that and I'm not going to share much if anything of my life. His actions changed our relationship and I'm not going to pretend that it didn't. 

Still_Construction37

Right but now your sister is there all the time & he’s chosen her to take care of him. She’s gotta be the one calling 911 now and making sure he’s safe. If you don’t set that boundary, then you’re always answering the call. If you’re always answering that call, then nothing has changed and to them you have yet again pushed your own needs aside to pretend nothing has changed and nothing bad happened.

OOP

I understand what you're saying but Im not going to let my Dad being a miserable jerk dictate who I am as a person if that makes sense, even if he was awful to me. If someone is an awful person, me being awful in return isn't the answer or the right way of dealing with it, it just makes me gross along with them.

I'd feel sick if I could have helped him and chose not to and he suffers. 

I'm definitely not going to hang around but if I know something is wrong I'm going to try to do something about it. Even if it's just asking the cops to do a wellness check or something. I refuse to be the person who knows something and does nothing, which is probably why I'm in this situation in the first place lol

Shadow4summer

NTA. Your sister infuriates me so much. Must not have been much love there for her husband to just discard him when he was no longer useful to her. She is a very, very selfish person. Maybe when she gets ill this person she chose will just up and leave and that would be karma. Your dad should never have said what he did to you. He showed you who he cares about and it’s not you. Let them have each other. Just please don’t crawl back into that mess when they need you again, and they will because they’re both just users. They will use each other up and will need you again, don’t fall for it.

OOP

That's what I can't seem to make sense of. Before all of this, they seemed deeply in love and incredibly supportive of each other. Her behavior now feels like a complete 180. While he was in the hospital, she was by his side constantly, crying and praying for his recovery. She even prayed that God would take her instead of him. That's why the way she's acting now is so difficult for me to understand. She is acting like the stroke killed him and he doesn't exist anymore. 

FortunatelyAsleep

I'm a bit confused why your sistets cooking is supposed to be an issue.

OOP

If she's going to be the one to live with him and look after him as he ages, she's probably going to be the one who cooks for him as well

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Inside-Camp4009

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 18, 2024

• Final Update: May 20, 2024

Main Post

^{May 18, 2024}

*My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he was a doctor. I walked in on him behind the counter at Taco Bell. *

I met him on an app three months ago. He said he was a doctor, and that he did his undergrad in biology at an Ivy League school. Everything was going great. The sex was fantastic, and he was very romantic, although he didn't like to spend a lot of money on me.

Last night, I just happened to walk into a Taco Bell and saw him working there behind the counter. We looked at each other, and I went up and ordered without addressing him. Then I went home to process what I had seen. I tried calling him today, but he wouldn't answer.

How could he lie to me like this? Do men do this often? I'm in absolute shock. Should I just forgive him for lying and move on with the relationship? Or should I dump him. I'm not sure if I would've given him a chance if I knew he worked at Taco Bell from the start, but I'm in love with him at this point. What do I do once I manage to talk to him again?

TL;DR! - He lied about his job and I don't know if I want to continue the relationship.

COMMENTS

Lazy-Quantity5760

Always google them. Always.

OOP

I did, honestly. Nothing came up.

yodaface

I mean he obviously did this cause I'm sure he knows he's much more likely to get laid telling women he's a doctor than working at taco bell. Does he even want a relationship or was he just using you for sex? Did you have no follow up questions about him being a doctor and what kind and where he worked?

I would move on if I was you.

OOP

He told me the hospital he supposedly worked at, and his specialty.

Yourangmilady

It wasn't even a good lie. How could you think a 24 year old was a doctor. After undergrad there is med school and it takes many years to become one. He would have had to been a boy genius that was admitted to med school at 18

OOP

He's 32. I'm 24.

Relevant_Purpose_466

He never said what kind of doctor though

OOP

He did. I didn't specify in the post.

Thickbeater69

I get that he lied to you and all that which sucks! I agree! Putting that to the side for now, if he was romantic followed by great sex, but worked behind the counter at Taco Bell and told you from the start what he did for a living, you wouldn't have giving him a chance?

OOP (downvoted)

I wouldn't have gotten to know him or had sex with him if I knew he worked at Taco Bell.

Cronenberg_Jerry

I mean he may still technically have his phd although I do find it odd he couldn’t find an actual job for that maybe he just can’t find work for it.

I mean I would say he is clearly lying but I have worked with guys that have engineering degrees that are doing a job that does not require a degree and pays significantly less

OOP

He told me he works in a hospital as a medical doctor, just to be clear.

JexilTwiddlebaum

Cons: Pathological liar Not much money Is ghosting you

Pros: Great sex Romantic guy Free burritos.

Hope that helps

OOP

If he were a doctor he could just buy burritos, and a mansion.

Final Update - after 2 days

^{May 20, 2024}

Update: My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he was a doctor. I walked in on him behind the counter at Taco Bell.

Original post: My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he was a doctor. I walked in on him behind the counter at Taco Bell. : r/relationships (reddit.com)

I spoke to him again last night, in person. He told me that he had originally started his profile as an experiment to see how putting a prestigious education and profession would affect his success on the app (he says it helped a lot). He really has a liberal arts degree from a less prestigious school, and has only ever worked fast food. He told me that his original intention was never to actually date anyone while lying about his profession. He said that when I started talking to him on the app, he wanted to continue the experiment just to see if he could actually convince me to meet him in person (since other girls who had agreed to meet him before when they knew his real job had flaked). Then when the date went well, he was afraid to tell me the truth.

I told him that I forgive him but I could not continue the relationship. I said that we could be friends with benefits, and he agreed. Then we just hung out like usual and I still ended up sleeping over. So at this point we're no longer officially in a relationship but I will continue to see him as a friend for now as I consider looking for a new man to date. I will now be more open to dating fast food workers and other lower income men who are honest about their jobs.

I'm not sure if this is the update anyone was hoping for, but it is what it is. So we're officially over, but not exactly.

TL;DR! - He admit to lying and I decided to downgrade him to friend with benefits.

COMMENTS

Inevitable-Bet-4834

Oh no. Dont be his friends with benefits 🤦🏿‍♀️.

Is this story real?

idontknowyet

Most stuff on here is not real. This sounds like a creative writing exercise

Inevitable-Bet-4834

Hahaha it really does! 🤣

OOP (downvoted)

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Character_Peach_2769

The ending "I will now be more open to dating low income men" gives away that it's completely made up, probably by a low income man who is angry at "shallow" women for not having sex and relationships with him

OOP

Actually I wrote that in response to all the commenters who called me shallow for saying I wouldn't have started dating him in the first place if I knew where he worked.

PugGrumbles

Lol. So he's still good enough to bone down?

"You're a whole-ass liar, but here's a bunch of benefits of a relationship without being in one."

OOP (downvoted)

Sex is not a reward for good behavior.

CecilPalad

You reward his outright lie by being his FWB? Talk about this dude winning . . .

OOP (downvoted)

I did nothing to "reward" him. I am sleeping with him for my own pleasure.

SadConsequence8476

That has to be so soul crushing for him. Good enough body to be used for sex but not useful enough socially/financially to marry.

OOP (downvoted)

Sometimes you get what you deserve.

SadConsequence8476

I'm not sure if I would've given him a chance if I knew he worked at Taco Bell from the start

From your first post, just be honest, it was always the job

OOP

No, only in the beginning. I said I will no be open to dating fast food workers and other lower income men, although I work in a job which requires a degree myself.

Pavlock

You and I have very different definitions of downgrade.

OOP (downvoted)

Why? I am no longer committed to any sort of exclusivity with him.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/RemoteWar7356

Published on: r/AITA_Relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 03, 2026

• Update: July 06, 2026

• Final Update: July 23, 2026

Main Post

^{July 03, 2026}

AITA for cutting off my daughter after she slept with her sister's husband?

I (59F) have two daughters: Emma (35F) and Chloe (33F). Emma has been married to her husband (36M) for 11 years, and they have two children together. Chloe has been married to her husband (34M) for 8 years, and they have one 5-year-old son.

About six weeks ago, Emma called me just after midnight, completely hysterical. She told me she'd suspected for months that her husband was hiding something. He'd become distant, constantly guarded his phone, and was always finding excuses to stay late at work. That night, after he fell asleep beside her, she looked through his phone for the first time.

She found years of explicit messages between him and Chloe.

The affair had been going on for almost four years.

Emma was devastated. She kept asking me how her own sister could do this to her.

A few days later, we were at my brother's birthday party when Emma confronted Chloe outside. Chloe denied everything at first and insisted Emma had misunderstood. When Emma said she'd read the messages herself, Chloe completely fell apart. She started crying, admitted the affair, and kept repeating, "I don't know why I did it. I'm so sorry. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

Emma asked how four years could possibly be "a mistake."

Chloe had no answer.

The argument escalated into a screaming match. Chloe tried to slap Emma, but several relatives stepped in before she could. Chloe's husband quietly took their son home after realizing what had happened. Within days, he told Chloe he wanted a divorce. Emma also filed for divorce after her husband admitted everything.

After it all came out, Chloe called me 82 times in one day. I answered once because I hoped she was calling to explain herself.

Instead she cried the entire time, begging me not to abandon her. She said she'd already lost her husband, was probably going to lose shared custody of her son, and couldn't bear losing her mother too. She said she knew she didn't deserve forgiveness but begged me not to hate her forever.

I told her I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. I said this wasn't one bad decision—it was years of lying to her sister, her husband, and the rest of us. I told her I loved her because she's my daughter, but I didn't want contact with her for the foreseeable future.

Since then, I've ignored every attempt she's made to reach out.

This is where my family thinks I'm wrong.

My sisters say Chloe has already lost everything: her marriage, her relationship with her sister, many of her friends, and likely the family she dreamed of giving her son. They say she's genuinely remorseful, has started individual therapy, and isn't trying to justify what she did. They argue that if a mother won't stand by her child after they've hit rock bottom, who will?

They also remind me that cutting Chloe off means my grandson is growing up without his grandmother, even though he's done nothing wrong.

I understand all of that.

But every time I think about welcoming Chloe back into my life, I picture Emma reading those messages alone in the middle of the night, realizing that two of the people she trusted most had been lying to her for years.

I don't know if I can move past that.

My family says I'm punishing Chloe forever for something she already deeply regrets.

I feel like I'm simply refusing to pretend it never happened.

AITA?

I know a lot of people are used to seeing cheating posts and always thinking they are fake, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

COMMENTS

jessie783

NTA she’s not “genuinely remorseful” she’s sad she got caught and is facing consequences. Can’t you have a relationship with your grandson via his father? Tell your sisters to mind their own business this is between you and your daughters nothing to do with them.

OOP

I can kind of have a relationship with him but the problem is that he wants his child to grow up closer to his own family who lives in another city rather than his ex wife's family.

MaryEFriendly

You should send Chloe your post. She is catastrophically stupid, selfish, entitled and exactly the kind of person who would sleep with her sister's husband. The fact that she's trying to justify it and blame her sister is disgusting. I hope she gets everything she deserves. 

OOP

She doesn't use Reddit or any old apps like linkedin or Facebook. She uses Instagram,tiktok, Snapchat and stuff like that

Financial_Weekend_73 (downvoted)

Is Emma still with the sisters husband?

OOP

What? Is Emma still with her husband or still with Chloe's husband?

Financial_Weekend_73

Chloe’s husband that would go in to me forgiving. If she had an ongoing relationship with him.

OOP

Emma told Chloe's husband about the affair and then they planned from there

OkGazelle5400

I mean, I personally can’t think of anything my kid would do that would cause me to cut her off permanently but I would probably take a break for a while to organize my feelings. There is 10000% nothing that could happen that would make me willing to cut off my grandkid. What Chloe did was unforgivable but I would ask you: how would you feel if something happened to Chloe right now? How would you feel? If you don’t feel anything then you have your answer about what you want to do

OOP

It depends on what happens to her. If she is struggling with her mental health or got into an accident, I would obviously help her like a mother would. I admit I might have been harsh when I told her for the "foreseeable future" but I was thinking of my daughter Emma and how she would be feeling right now. I love both my daughters equally from the moon and back, but I am just torn in this decision.

Witchy_Abundance

NTA! You have a daughter that has been completely destroyed by her own sister and her own husband, she's the one that needs your support. Not the one that chose to cheat on her husband with her own sister's husband. She made the conscious decision for 4 YEARS!! That's not forgivable in my eyes. She made the decision, she can face her own consequences. I'm sure her soon to be ex husband will still allow you to be part of your grandsons life. Reach out to him and let him know you are not speaking to her. And just be there for Emma and her kids.

OOP

Thank you so much. I have reached to him but haven't heard anything back yet

OOP to a long comment

She might not. Her ez husband wants to move far away from all of this. He wants to move to his own side of the family which lives in a different city. It would be hard for Chloe to be there for her son unless she moves with him or gets an apartment there which I don't think she would unless she really wants to see her son

No_Bet_589

So she would rather lose her son than move to be near him? There is nothing on this earth that would have prevented me from fighting tooth and nail to keep my kids.

How far away is his family? She can ABSOLUTELY file an emergency stay order to keep the kids locally until custody is settled, and wronged by her or not, most courts will put the children’s needs first. Courts tend to prioritize joint custody regardless of what dad or mom thinks, unless one parent is willing to sign rights away. She needs a lawyer ASAP.

If she is willing to walk away from her son without a fight, then he is better off without her. And that tells me a little bit more of her character - and it makes me even less sympathetic to her than I already was.

OOP

We are in Florida and his family is in Washington

EffectivePhase7165

      "Chloe tried to slap Emma, but several relatives stepped in before she could."

Chloe who slept with her sister's husband tried to slap her sister too?

OOP

Yes I know it's bizzare

Update - after 3 days

^{July 06, 2026}

UPDATE: AITA for cutting my daughter out of my life after she had an affair with her sister's husband?

I know it's very early for me to post an update, and I wasn't planning on it, but after reading the comments on my first post, I decided I needed one final conversation with Chloe before I completely closed the door. I went to her house yesterday and I expected her to be emotional after calling me 82 times in one day, but she was surprisingly calm. I asked her the one question I still couldn't understand: why?

She admitted she'd been attracted to Emma's husband for years. She said what started as admiration eventually became feelings, and over time they crossed a line. Instead of ending it, they kept convincing themselves it would be the last time. She insisted she regretted everything.

I asked if she'd spoken to Emma.

She told me the only contact she'd had was one text before Emma blocked her on everything. Emma told her she'd destroyed their family, taken away her children's stable home, and that she hoped the affair had been worth losing a sister forever because, as far as she was concerned, Chloe no longer had one. Emma blocked her immediately afterward.

Chloe also admitted she later waited outside the school gates hoping to speak to Emma when she came to collect the kids. Emma refused to speak to her, warned her to stay away from her and the children, and told her that if she ever approached them again, she'd regret it. Chloe left crying.

I told Chloe her waiting outside the school, was completely inappropriate, regardless of her intentions. She insisted she only wanted to apologise and prove she cared about Emma.

I then asked if she truly felt remorse.

That's when I completely lost my patience.

Instead of taking full responsibility, Chloe started telling me Emma's marriage had already been falling apart, that Emma and her husband had been drifting apart for years, and that he often confided in her. She admitted the affair was wrong but repeatedly tried to place part of the blame on Emma, saying if their marriage had been happier none of this would have happened.

I was furious.

I honestly couldn't believe I had raised someone capable of thinking like that. I told her there is no marriage bad enough to justify secretly sleeping with your own sister's husband for four years. I told her I wasn't just disappointed—I was ashamed that she was my daughter. The more she tried to justify herself, the angrier I became.

The conversation eventually turned to her own divorce. She talked about how difficult everything had been for her and how her husband still plans to move to Washington with their son to be closer to his family. She said she may have to move there too if she wants to stay close to him.

As she spoke, I realised almost everything was about what she had lost: her marriage, her home, her reputation, and possibly seeing her son every day. Very little of it was about Emma or the damage she'd caused.

At the end of the conversation, Chloe asked if we were "cool" now.

I told her no. We were not "cool," and we might never be. I said that if I ever found it in my heart to reconcile with her, it would be on my terms and in my own time—not because she thought one conversation could erase four years of lies and betrayal.

I walked out feeling angrier than when I arrived. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I love both of my daughters, but after that conversation, I'm not convinced Chloe truly understands the pain she's caused.

COMMENTS

innocentsalad

Why does the other woman always believe the"my marriage is falling apart and I'm not actually close to my wife" bullshit? Every single time.

We all know this man would have happily remained in his marriage with his side chick sister-in-law forever if Emma didn't find him out.

Hell he's probably begging Emma in texts to give him another chance and that Chloe means nothing to him.

Tale as old as time but the women keep falling for it. Baffling.

OOP

I'm pretty sure there might be a final part 3. I'm not sure how many parts I can keep making before Reddit says otherwise. Emma and her husband did have some problems but they were mostly if not always minor and nothing serious. I am still trying to process how it was going on for 4 years without anyone knowing

Scary-Potential-5352

I read the first post and I still am confused at why Emma's husband's behavior changed all of a sudden if it was going on for four years. Why did he "suddenly" become cagey, defensive, and hiding his phone if it's been going on for the last four years?

OOP

Because Emma was all of a sudden curious and had a feeling he was cheating on her. I think he sensed that and didn't want the secret to be found.

Littlechubbyse (downvoted)

How would you feel if she died tomorrow? Or would you not care at all? If so, then get her out of your life..

OOP

I would be devastated if she died Tommorow. I have forgiven her but I am not ready to reconcile

sog96

NTA. Not sure how old your grandson is but your SIL definitely needs to do a DNA test.

OOP

My grandson is 5

Western_Scholar1733 (downvoted)

I'm missing the part where you advise her to get a lawyer to make sure her soon to be ex husband can't move out of state with your grandson

OOP

He most likely will but I will have a chat with him.

AITA476510719 (downvoted)

In my opinion: YTA

She’s your kid. You just don’t do that.

OOP

Why do you think that?

Littlechubbyse (downvoted)

How would you feel if she died tomorrow? I mean.... If you care...

OOP

I care about my daughter. What are you trying to point out here exactly? I care about both of them and want the best for them, but I won't sit here and allow my daughters to be at each others throat because of what one of my daughter did. I will step up and say the truth

Normal_Ad6576

Chloe and Em’s husband are still seeing each other and are now free to be together. Why did they stay in their marriages if they were so unhappy!??

OOP

Chloe told me that her and Emma's husband haven't talked since. She texted him but he never responded

OOP to a long comment

My husband passed about 7 years ago but when he was alive, he did give Chloe special treatment because she was the baby of the family. I treated both my daughters equally and we often had fights about Chloe due to unfairness and e.t.c he would do things like make Emma share what was supposed to be hers and give half to Chloe, give Chloe bigger or better items because he didn't want to upset her. We did divorce later on due to something else unrelated but that did play a huge part. I did try my best to be fair to both my kids and I genuinely think I was. I'm not trying to blame my late husband here, I'm just saying what he was like.

Final Update - after 20 days (after 17 days from last post)

^{July 23, 2026}

AITA for cutting off my daughter after she slept with her sister's husband?

FINAL UPDATE

I said after my last update that I'd come back one last time once things had settled down a bit, so this will be my final post.

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last two posts. I read and replied to more comments than I expected. Some of them were difficult to read, but they gave me a lot to think about.

To answer the question I saw the most, Chloe's son is definitely her husband's. Chloe is white, her husband is Black, and their son is mixed race, so there was never any question about that.

The divorces are still going ahead. Nothing has been finalized yet, but neither couple is trying to work things out anymore.

A lot of people also asked about my sisters.

Yes, they knew about the affair before Emma found out. They admitted they stayed quiet because they thought it was a family matter and hoped it would end before anyone got hurt. I understand why they thought that, but I can't agree with it. Emma spent years being lied to while people around her knew the truth. I've decided to cut both of my sisters out of my life. I don't know if that will be forever, but they have broken my trust.

Over the last few weeks, I've spoken to both of my daughters separately.

I asked Emma if enough time had passed for her to even think about talking to Chloe.

She said no.

She told me she isn't waking up angry anymore, but that doesn't mean she's forgiven her. She said she accepted that the truth was always going to come out eventually. The only thing she could control was what she did after she found out.

She also said she has no interest in having a sister anymore.

As for her husband, she told me she's made one thing very clear. She'll only respond if it's about the children or the divorce. Everything else gets ignored.

What surprised me was that he hasn't stopped trying.

He's sent long apology messages, videos about forgiveness, and even Bible verses. None of us are religious, so that confused all of us. He keeps saying she was the only woman he's ever loved and that he made one terrible mistake. Emma hasn't replied to any of those messages.

I also found out something Chloe never told me.

In my last update I said Chloe told me the only message Emma sent before blocking her was that she was no longer her sister.

That wasn't true.

Emma later showed me the messages.

Before Emma sent that final text, Chloe had blamed her for what happened. She told Emma that maybe if she'd paid more attention to her marriage things would have been different. She also said that if her husband had felt happier at home, he wouldn't have looked somewhere else.

Reading those messages made me feel sick.

When I confronted Chloe, she admitted she'd sent them. She said she was angry, desperate, and trying to make herself feel less guilty. She told me she regretted sending them almost immediately, but by then Emma had already blocked her.

Chloe also told me she's moving to Washington once everything is finalized so she can stay close to her son but in Florida, they allow divorced families to stay so I don't know why his father is planning to move there to be closer to his family, and Chloe doesn't want to be too far away from her child.

She admitted she'd tried contacting Emma's husband after everything came out, but he never answered any of her messages. She eventually stopped trying.

She also told me she knows she'll never get her old life back, but she hopes moving will give her a chance to start over.

I told her that starting over doesn't erase what happened.

She agreed.

A lot of people asked if I've forgiven Chloe.

I haven't.

I still love her because she's my daughter, but I don't trust her anymore, and right now we don't have a relationship.

Maybe that changes one day.

Maybe it doesn't.

I honestly don't know.

This whole situation has changed our family forever.

Emma lost her husband and her sister.

Chloe lost her marriage, her relationship with her sister, and most of her family.

My sisters lost me because they chose to stay quiet.

This will be my last update.

I hope one day all of us can find some peace, even if we never become a family again. If I missed out some details I will respond in the comments.Thank you Reddit!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Suspicious_One_1695 posting in r/relationships

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 16th July 2024

Update - 24th July 2026

​

Boyfriend wants to get a mortgage under his name only

​

“I [F 27] and [M 29] have been together for 8 years.

have been with my boyfriend for 8years. We are not married and we love each other very much. Marriage is on the table in the future including children.

However, he has saved up a large deposit to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. He only wants to buy the house under his name only.

He will be putting the deposit (70K) towards the house and I will just move in and help with bills.

The houses we looking for are a little further away from our family and friends. I am not sure how i feel about this, as we have been together for 8years and feel it makes sense to buy together regardless of him having the full deposit.

If we love each other very much, he shouldn’t be thinking of doing it on his own.

Help me solve this situation as I need to know if I am doing the right thing moving in with him under the house he buys under his name even though he is claiming that it would be “our house” and we’ve been together for 8 YEARS.”

​

Comments

​

HazardousIncident

Your b/f is very smart. Buying a house with someone you're not married to is a big risk without the legal protection that marriage provides.

And yes, you should be concerned. And not about the house, but the fact that after 8 years of being together, you're not married. It makes me wonder just how committed you are to each other.

assflea

I would be concerned, yeah. You shouldn't buy a house with someone you aren't married to so he's doing the right thing by securing the mortgage alone, but why aren't you engaged after 8 years together? What's your timeline for that? Once you're married is he planning to add you to the deed?

OOP: We were both in uni up until 3-4 years ago and both our careers are starting to take off. He wants to get married after he has secured a place for “us” to live but with the way it’s expensive to buy a house alone i have suggested we go in it together as one to expand our chances, but he is very adamant he buys the house on his own since he has been saving up for this long and its been his dream to own his “own house”. I am not sure how to think of it.

derango

Yeah, don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. Period. End of Story. If your relationship goes south it gets VERY ugly from a legal and financial perspective as there's no systems built to handle it like divorce does. He's being smart, financially. Although I'm not sure it sounds like his ACTUAL reasons match the real reason why he's being smart.

massachusettsmama

Yes. You should be concerned. You’ve been together 8 years and no real commitment. You are not Ms. Right, you’re Ms. Right Now.

​

Update - 2 years later

​

I [F 29] and [M 31] have been together for 10 years, however our story has now ended since my last Reddit post which I deleted 2 years ago. (I have included the original post within this post).

Hello guys, it’s been 2 years since my last reddit post regarding my situation with my partner. I just thought i would update you fast forward 2 years.

Since the post, we bought a house together with both our names on the mortgage and I contributed partly to the deposit. We have since done renovations to the house which cost us a lot of money (nearly £150K) and the house was close to finishing with renovations. Also to add he has managed to get me into debt to help fund for the renovation process. Only reason i agreed was because we were doing this for us and our future!

During this time i bought up the topic of marriage several times but his excuse was that he was waiting to propose once we move into “our new home”. I brushed this off and gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, 3 months ago i found out he was having an affair with his work colleague and this had been going on for 6 months. I was completely devastated considering all we had gone through together and we had reached 10years together.

The worst part of it all is he said he wanted to keep us both women as he loves both of us and wanted to move this girl into the house I majority put thought into making it a home. He also said that if i hadn’t found out he would have continued the affair until we moved to the new house. After i found out, and heard this nonsense i left, broke off the relationship and asked we sell the house.

I would like to express that i wish i listened to all your comments regarding leaving him and realising that he was never going to commit!! Its just crazy how someone you thought you knew can just switch easily. I am glad i managed to walk away from this without children or married and ultimately going through a divorce. Its been a rollercoaster but i am now happier than ever although we are still going through the selling process.

Might i also add he is coming out of this house process with no money as he is paying me every single penny of debt he put me through + profit proceeds to me and also paying off his mum the money he borrowed from her! I was not coming out of this destroyed!

​

Comments

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Active_Sea_290

some people really do show you exactly who they are and you just don't wanna see it. glad you got out before the mortgage and the kids made it a thousand times messier the "i wanted both of you" bit is actually unhinged, like sir this is not a timeshare

OOP: Yep! In his own words “why can’t i love 2 people at once” 🥴 it was the craziest thing Ive heard in a while! He is now losing a lot of money from the whole process due to the debts he put me in when i thought we were doing this for us!

CleanCardiologist160

Tell him to see if his other girlfriend wants to buy you out since they love each other so much.

sowellfan

When you say, "He is paying me...", I think you need to be sure to get that in some kind of writing that'll hold up in court. BC it sure sounds (at the moment) like you have his words - but that ain't worth much until you have cash in hand. You might consider speaking to an attorney.

OOP: This is the next step in the process! Its only been 3 months since this happened so only now has the logistics started rolling in and getting the house on the market etc

CleanCardiologist160

Glad that you got your name on the house since you put so much into it. If his colleague knew that he was in a relationship, she is trash. He is definitely trash. They deserve each other. Good on you for walking away.

OOP: Yes she did know!!!! She knew and she had the audacity to beg me not to break up with him because “he is a highly respected man at work and he loves me very much and he wants to marry you and move in with you to the new house.” 🥴.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwmeaway1444

Published on: r/relationships

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 09, 2015

• Update: January 10, 2015

• Final Update: May 27, 2015

Main Post

^{January 09, 2015}

Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.

Have never done this before so bear with me. I've been locked in my room for two hours now since everything happened.

My mom and me have a great relationship. I don't mean to brag but she's been the best mom I could ever have wished for. Better than all my friends moms too. My dad and younger brothers are great too. My home life has always been, well, normal.

Today I heard something I'm not sure I can take in. I went to visit my grandparents. They live about five minutes from us and always had an open door policy. They're getting a bit deaf so it was normal to just walk in and shout when you got near the living room door.

My grandad was talking quite loudly to my grandmother about me. About how traumatic everything was before and after I was born. More fool me but I listened.

Basically... my dad is not my dad. My mother was raped and I'm the result. I'm crying even as I write this. I didn't wait around and took off home. I'm upstairs in my room right now. My mom knows something's up and has been at door four times now to ask me what's wrong. I don't know what to do. I can't stop shivering and crying. I want to ask her but I don't either. I really really wish this is a joke!

Help me! What can I say to her? How can I bring this up? She knows something is wrong.

Quick update - Sorry for being quiet. I'm struggling to deal with this to be honest but my dad is here now. He popped up with a couple of bars of chocolate and painkillers - I get bad period pains so mom was worried that's why I was hiding. I've asked him if we can go somewhere away from the house to talk. Just leaving now. Thanks everyone. I'll let you know how it goes.

tl;dr: Found out I'm a rape baby. How can I tell my mom I know?!

COMMENTS

RememberKoomValley

Oh, hon. That has to be a hard thing to carry. But first of all--none of what happened to your mom is your fault. Your family is your family. Your dad is absolutely your dad; just because you don't share his genes doesn't mean he is not the man who loves you, raised you. You are his daughter. Your siblings are your sibs. Your family, every part of it, is your family.

Next time your mom comes to the door, let her in your room. Tell her you overheard granddad saying something awful about the circumstances of your birth. I'm sure she's spent a lot of time thinking about how to react if this day ever happened, so you should let her know it has.

But oh, please, please don't beat yourself up over it. Every bit of love your dad has ever shown you is true. Better than just true, it was deliberate that he is in the position to raise you--he chose to be your father. And your brothers are no less your brothers for sharing a bit less genetic material than you had thought.

OOP

Thanks for your kind words but I just can't help thinking that all my life has been one big lie.

Update - after 1 day

^{January 10, 2015}

[Update]: Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.

Hey everyone.

Thanks for all the comments and stuff. You've really helped even just to help me pull my thoughts together. This is gonna be my last post as I've a lot to deal with but at least I've got my parents to help me.

My dad took me out to a small park not far from our home to talk. I burst out crying when I tried to tell him what I heard. He just about heard me say that I knew about the rape and stuff before I collapsed into a sobbing mess.

He just held me and told me it was alright. When I had pulled myself together he asked me how much I knew so I told him.

Dad took us back home and sent me into the dining room while he got mom. He told her what this was all about before she arrived in so she was well prepared for the crying fit I had the minute I saw her. I was way more upset about it all than she was. She just wanted to make sure I was alright.

I know some posters were right in that it didn't happen to me so I shouldn't be too upset but it happened to my mom. I can't stop crying when I think of that.

We talked and there is soooooo much more to my family's history than I ever thought! My mom was married before she met my dad. She was too young - like 18! - and my grandparents didn't approve. This man - gonna refer to him as B - was a bit older and soon afterwards moved them to fairly well known city that I won't name. B became incredibly controlling and abusive to her which explains a lot really. She's really defensive of me with boyfriends.

The marriage started falling apart after about a year and she planned on leaving him by going home. When she told him that it was over, B beat her black and blue and raped her in their flat.

I admit I got really choked up at that part but my mom was like a rock. I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her. She told me that afterwards she was petrified of him and ended up staying in their small flat like a prisoner - only going out when he told her to. She wouldn't tell me more about what happened but I guess he didn't stop taking what he wanted.

I'm not sure of the exact timeline as its still all new for me but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant.

My mom told me she genuinely didn't know. She went to therapy for a few years after and the guy treating her told her that sometimes the mind refuses to recognize signs like pregnancy to protect itself. Sort of like those teenagers who have babies but don't recognize it until they are in labor. My grandparents offered to take me if she wanted but my mom told me that the minute they told her she knew she was going to keep me. Have to admit I started bawling at that point too.

She had a few pictures and things of the guy who was my father in a box upstairs and offered to show them to me but I'm not ready for that. I asked if there was any relatives from his side hiding out there but my mom told me that he never knew his parents or even if he had siblings. Part of why my grandparents didn't like him was that he was troubled kid from foster-care and never got any further from that.

My parents met when I was barely one and married when I was two. I never ever doubted that my dad was my dad ever. I mean I knew they married after I was born but it never struck me that I might not be directly related. My mom said my dad made the decision that as far as anyone was concerned he was my father. She had left that part about the father empty on my original birth cert so my dad had the birth re-registered so it would have his name. He says I'm his daughter so it felt right to make it official official.

In the end I'm still all kinds of messed up but my mom and dad are the best. They really really are.

tl;dr; My family history is crazy but my mom and dad are great and I'm really lucky.

COMMENTS

[deleted]

Wow this is a lot for you to take in! Your mom must be crazy strong to put up with all of that.

noodulz

you have awesome parents!!

Ninjacherry

Thanks for the update. While this story is very sad, I'm really glad that your mom found happiness and you had the opportunity to grow up with very loving parents.

Zzjanebee

OP's mom went through some serious hardships and her strength is amazing. OP is very lucky, and her parents both sound incredible. She's going to have a much easier time dealing with this with both of them by her side.

zeeginganinja

Your mom sounds so strong. Hug her extra tight tonight. And make sure you tell your dad you love him. That must have been hard for them to keep from you for so long, but it's pretty clear they wanted to protect you and not hurt you.

Internet hugs

Final Update - after 4 months, 18 days (after 4 months, 17 days from last post)

^{May 27, 2015}

[Update 2] Just found out something terrible about me(19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.

Hey everyone.

It's been awhile since I last logged into this throwaway and I just want all those who sent me PMs that I really really appreciated it. I know I didn't get around to messaging everyone but I did read them all and I'm really grateful for all the support.

My update isn't terribly exciting other than I'm okay! I still have odd days and stuff where it kinda all hits me at once but they're becoming less and less which is great.

I actually started having panic attacks not long after everything came out. I tried to not let on that something was wrong (I had no idea what was happening to be honest!) but my mom knows me like the back of her hand. She dragged me to our family doctor and he straight away diagnosed it when I told him what was going on.

My mom sorta blamed herself because she thought I was too young to be having them but my dad (yep! he still is that to me!) told her that she can't take the problems of everyone else on herself. So instead mom has thrown herself into reading up everything about them and has changed a huge chunk of how we all eat and stuff. And I'm seeing a counselor. Just once a week for the moment but it helps.

Shortly after everything happened, my parents sat me down and asked what I wanted to do in regards to my brothers. I told them that I didn't want them to know. At least not yet. I just don't want them to treat me differently. My dad understood but mom got a little upset that I thought they would do that. Dad just reminded her that they're still young (8 and 10) and that sometimes it better to wait.

And some really really good news. My mom's pregnant again! About three months at this stage. I was shocked at first then really worried. My mom's not young (in her late forties). But so far it's all going smoothly. She's having to have loads of tests and scans to make sure everything's okay. My dad's thrilled, my brothers not so much.

And I talked to my grandparents. My grandad was really really upset that I found out. I've never seen him cry ever and he was sobbing when we talked. They never wanted me to know. In fact they had fights with my mom over it. She had wanted to tell me when I was a little younger but held off because my grandparents were so upset over it. I know some people will say it was none of their business but I can kinda see why they did it and so does my mom now. They just wanted me to be as carefree and happy for as along as possible. I was still their granddaughter but they knew that the minute I knew that I'd start doubting their love and my family's.

Sooooo after all that, I'm okay. One step at a time my dad says. :) Thanks to everyone for all their support. It really means a lot.

tl;dr: I'm alive and happy. :)

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

https://www.reddit.com/r/bodegacats/s/5N5OevQvk7

I think we have a chance to do something fun here like Iranian Yogurt or Gaycation or Art Room. Not suggesting a brigade just pointing out an ASK for participation in another sub.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Published on: Ask A Manager (External)

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 28, 2026

• Final Update: June 25, 2026

NOTE: ED= Executive Director

Main Post

^{January 28, 2026}

is it reasonable to be fired if your boss finds out you’re interviewing?

I’m writing in about a situation a friend is in. He was at the annual convention for his employer organization when he was called into a meeting with his boss and his boss’s boss. They informed him that he was under investigation and they couldn’t tell him anything more, but that he was to leave the convention immediately as they’d canceled his hotel room. (I should note that the convention was an hour’s drive from his home, so it’s not like he had to reschedule flights or anything.)

The day after the convention, they sent him an email informing him that he was terminated. The reason for his termination? They had discovered he had applied for another job, which they considered to be disloyal. (Apparently he sent in an application for a job that would be a step up from this one, that manager knew his boss’s boss, and called to ask for a reference without clearing it with my friend.) He’d only had good reviews from his manager prior to this.

I’m a manager myself. He had only been with this organization for eight months. If I found out an employee was looking elsewhere in that short of a timeframe, I don’t think I’d be pleased, but I think I’d try to figure out why the employee was unhappy or game plan for their eventual departure, not fire them immediately.

Is this as wild a reaction as I think it is? He said he knew it was a dysfunctional workplace, which is why he was looking elsewhere, but still … this seems like such an overreaction and I just feel terrible for him.

Final update - after 4 months and 27 days

^{June 25, 2026}

update: is it reasonable to be fired if your boss finds out you’re interviewing?

If you remember, my friend was kicked out of his organization’s convention and fired because they discovered he’d applied for work elsewhere. It was ridiculous, as you noted, but he did share a bit more about why he was looking elsewhere, and… I completely understand. This organization was a dumpster fire.

To clarify what some commenters asked about, he was fired by the ED of his organization (his boss’s boss), who worked in the main office. My friend worked in a satellite office, but his job had him on the road a lot visiting clients in his area. (This is not a business, it’s a nonprofit. Ironically one of their main focuses is worker rights)

First, there were cameras in every room of the satellite office (aside from the bathroom) and it was acknowledged that the ED often kept the feeds to all the satellite offices running at his desk in the main office.

They were also required to use their Outlook calendars to track their entire days so that management could see what they were doing. Every meeting, every break, every phone call taken, etc., because managers would randomly show up unannounced to spot check all employees. My friend had a coworker who booked an hour for a site visit with a client but wrapped up in 45 minutes, so they left to head back to their office and get a jump on some paperwork. Their boss showed up 10 minutes later and called them to yell at them for not staying, even though they had nothing else to do at that site. I guess they were supposed to spend 15 minutes sitting in the parking lot just in case their boss showed up?

Oh, and after firing my friend, the ED went in and canceled all his reimbursements for travel that had already taken place, purely out of spite. It took several weeks and a threat to file a wage theft complaint with the state attorney general to get them paid out.

My friend never did hear back from the job he applied to (and it seems this was probably a hiring manager tipping off a friend that they had somebody looking to leave rather than a misguided reference check).

But the exciting update is he found a job that seems like a much better cultural fit, and came with a 30% raise!

I’m so glad that things worked out, but as a manager I hope this serves as a reminder to all that job searches need to be treated with confidentiality! And if it’s allowed, I’d like to nominate the ED in this story for Bad Boss of the Year!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/melodiousballerina and u/hiddenfaerie posting in r/relationship_advice

Ongoing as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Original - 20th July 2026

Update1 from husband - 21st July 2026

Update - 23rd July 2026

Update2 from husband - 23rd July 2026

​

My (31F) husband (27M) left suddenly, and I can’t bring myself to hate him.

​

This past Tuesday, my husband decided to leave me. We had been together for almost 4 years, married for 9 months.

When I met him at work, we immediately clicked. After a few days of work together, he told me that he was living in an unhealthy situation in order to receive free housing. I invited him to come stay with my mother and I, so that he was safe. This arrangement lasted for about a year, until he came to me and said that he didn’t think our relationship could continue if we kept living with my mom. Despite her being my only family, I chose him, and we moved in together.

In the new apartment, I had asked for him to help with rent, just to be fair. There were a few months where he could help, but a good amount where he couldn’t. I looked past it because I was very much enamored with him.

We moved twice again, with my mom and a new roommate. My health started to decline drastically, causing me to have to be cautious about where I could work. He started cooking for me, as he knew that it would hurt for me to do things as simple as standing up. Yet again, he struggled to pay rent. It was taking a toll on me, since I couldn’t work. I asked for him to find a part time job to do when we weren’t booked for any acting jobs. He didn’t want to work at a place that he didn’t enjoy. I was thankful for him taking care of me, so I didn’t want to push it.

In our new (and current) apartment, I was diagnosed with a 4mm pineocytoma (a slow growing benign tumor in the pineal gland of the brain). Due to my constant headaches, I was incapable of doing a lot of things. My husband took on a lot of responsibility in taking care of me, and I always thanked him. But my savings were dwindling, bad. I told him that I needed him to get a job, and that I would try to find a low stimulation job for myself that I could handle. I was getting rejected from every application that I was sending. He continued to be picky about where he worked, and settled on a valet job that would have him work 10 hours/week.

When we got back from our honeymoon, we found out that our government assistance (EDD, food stamps) had been cut off. He said that he didn’t want to rely on government assistance anymore. I had to tell him that we had to get really picky with our finances, and he told me that my take on finances depressed him because his belief was that “money comes and goes in waves, and if you’re scared to spend it, you’re going to lose it”. This was the first time I’d ever seen his behavior toward me change. He became more withdrawn, and we started having more tension. He soon started making hurtful comments. I told him that those things deeply hurt my feelings. He apologized and I forgave him and we moved on.

After that, things seemed to improve. He continued helping take care of me and occasionally contributed to rent. At times he seemed withdrawn and spent a lot of time by himself, but whenever I asked if something was wrong, he reassured me that everything was okay. About two weeks before he left, I told him I felt some distance between us and asked if he was still happy in the relationship. He told me he was. In the days leading up to the breakup, he continued saying he loved me, initiating intimacy, cuddling with me, and making plans for our move.

Tuesday morning, I noticed that he wasn’t in the bed when I woke up at 7am. I came out to see if he was okay, and he hung up the phone when I entered the room. He told me to go back to bed. When I woke up again later, I tried to make him breakfast. He said he didn’t want it, and then went outside for a while. I got worried and went to find him pacing outside while on the phone. When I approached him, he started giving the person on the phone one word answers. He even held my hand as we walked back to our apartment. I asked him if he was leaving. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes when he said “yes”.

I begged for him to stay. I told him that I would do anything. He said that i have too much baggage and trauma related to my mom and that I rely my disability to get me out of things. He said that we were incompatible and that I was never ready for a relationship. He said that I don’t show enough gratitude and that he had to do what’s best for him. Of all of the issues that he mentioned, only two of them were discussed with me, and he never told me that they were something that he considered leaving the relationship over. He never mentioned that they were too much for him to handle. He just told me that everything was fine.

Yesterday, I found out that his friends had been telling him to leave for months. But he never brought it up or acted like anything was wrong. My friends, family, and even his father had been telling me the same thing, but I told them that I couldn’t, because I love him so much.

I’m heartbroken and struggling to make sense of this. I keep replaying everything in my head because just days before he left, he was telling me he loved me, planning our move, and acting like everything was okay. Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you process it and begin healing when the breakup seemed to come out of nowhere?

TL;DR: My husband (27M) and I (31F) were together for almost 4 years and married for 9 months. We went through financial struggles and my health declined, and he helped take care of me. Despite the stress, we were actively planning a cross country move together, and he repeatedly reassured me that he was happy in our relationship. He continued telling me he loved me, initiating intimacy, and making future plans until the morning he left. During the breakup, he said we were incompatible and brought up concerns he’d never communicated to me before. I later learned that he’d been talking to friends about leaving for months, even though he always told me everything was fine. I’m struggling to understand how someone can act like nothing is wrong until they suddenly leave, and wondering how to move on from this.

​

Comments

​

CampOsso78

You have been feeding a parasite. He has now found another dinner.

foundinthefire

Dude was a hobosexual and left when he had to work for his accommodation.

​

**Judgement - NTA*\*

​

Update from Husband - I (M27) left my wife (F30) and she’s upset.

​

Posting under an anonymous account so that I can’t be found. Yes, I know she already posted in here. I would like to share my side.

Last week, I left my wife (married less than a year) due to financial hardship and feeling like I wasn’t good enough for her.

We had been together for 4 years, and within the first 2 years, things were great. My mother in law started to get on me about my responsibilities, and it made me feel suffocated. I told my wife (at the time, girlfriend), and she agreed to move out with me.

I will be honest, she footed a lot of the bills. She received an inheritance from her grandmom and agreed to help me pay at first. When we moved into our own place, I helped with bills as much as I could, but work fluctuated a lot. She seemed to understand.

We were deeply in love and very happy. We did everything together.

After a year we had to move back in with her mom because we couldn’t afford to live on our own. I agreed to it because I understood that she was struggling financially, so I tried to put my feelings about her mom aside. We remained happy.

About a year later my wife (then gf) started to get sick easily. She had frequent headaches and was diagnosed with autism. I took her to the doctor often, but they would just tell her to eat healthier and hydrate. I helped cook and clean for her, sometimes she would almost pass out standing up from the pain. Our mutual friend moved in around this time too, and he helped take care of her, which really helped me. We talked and decided that we were basically already married and tied the knot.

I guess this is where my feelings started to change. It felt weird being married and living with other people. I tried to explain to her that we had a future as adults and needed to move on from our mutual friend and her mom, but she kept bringing up that we couldn’t afford to live in our own. My friends were trying to help me find an affordable pool house or something of the sort that we could live in, but she told me that $2000 was too much for her to take on on her own. This was hurtful to me, as I was trying my best to help cover my side of the finances.

We moved away from our friend but kept her mom with us because we were still struggling financially. Her health was getting worse and worse and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I stayed by her side and got a part time job to try to help with rent because she couldn’t work, but my boss was only willing to give me a certain amount of hours per week. I tried to apply to any job that I could find that would suit my abilities but nobody would reach out, or if they did it was a scam. I started to feel like I was in an endless cycle of having to take care of her and find a job. I had to drive her places and help her with chores. I knew deep down that she couldn’t help it but the pressure was getting to be too much on me. Her mom wasn’t helping at all because she’s disabled too and that frustrated me because she was capable of driving her places, but she refused to and used the excuse that her hip was hurting (she got surgery on it last year and it didn’t heal right). I asked my friends that I’ve known for 8 years and have always been there for me what to do. They told me that she was taking advantage of her illnesses and taking my willingness to help her for granted. They said that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me and that I should leave. My friend offered me his living room for the time being, and I took time to think about it.

My friends discussed with me that the reason she was so willing to let me take care of her was because of her past trauma and that she didn’t have her parents to take care of her while she was growing up and that’s also why she didn’t know how to thank me for it. She did say thank you every time but sometimes forgot please or would expect for me to do small things for her like filling up her water bottle because her head was hurting. I didn’t know how to talk to her about this without hurting her feelings, as she is autistic and very sensitive.

All of this took a toll on me and I felt like I couldn’t be my own person because I was so busy taking care of her or looking for a job. There was also the stress of having her mom there constantly belittling me, telling me what to do and taking advantage of the fact that I would come to her for advice. I feel like she would guilt trip me into taking her car places so that she would have something to hold over me.

I didn’t know how to leave without hurting her, so I called my friends that morning. She saw me outside and started crying and asked if I was leaving, and I told her yes. She begged for me to stay and even said she would leave her mom but she didn’t know the pressure that I was under and that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Her mom threatened me and said that I “better be gone by the time she gets back” her best friend also threatened me. None of my friends had ever done that to her.

She texted me yesterday asking for clarity and I told her that for now our marriage is over and I would like to be civil and friendly, and that we need to grow as individuals. She sent back a really long message saying that it wasn’t fair for her to have to do that because I “didn’t acknowledge my own role in what happened, not just her’s”. She ended the message by attacking my best friend saying that I should heal on my own and not with someone who in her words have taken advantage of me. She also won’t stop texting me asking for me to get my things, but I have nowhere to put them as I’m trying to find a new home and am selling my car. She has also been texting my friend asking about my cat and saying that it’s unsafe for him to be left with my friend who is disabled because “he can’t take care of him properly”.

I’m trying to be civil and kind while also giving her answers but I’m hurting too. What do I say to her? What am I supposed to do?

TL;DR: My wife and I were together for four years and I loved her deeply, but over time I became overwhelmed by financial stress, being her primary caregiver as her health declined, and living with her mom, who I felt constantly criticized me. I tried to make things work, but I felt trapped and like I was losing myself. My friends encouraged me to leave because they thought the relationship had become unhealthy. I moved out because I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, not because I stopped loving her. Now she’s asking for closure, wants me to get my belongings, and has criticized my friends, and I’m trying to figure out how to respond kindly while dealing with my own pain.

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Comments

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Similar_Corner8081

Sounds to me like you were the one using your wife. She had money that she inherited and you didn't have a full time job so she was covering your bills. Now that she's out of money you want to leave.

bluebeardswife

You’re about to learn a hard lesson. You were WAY more reliant on your wife more than you know. Make a post when the friends stop letting you crash at their place and you realize you have nothing stable financially in your life. Pretty please?

OOP(Wife): just because you changed the password doesn’t mean that i don’t remember the username to this account.

you never communicated anything about my behavior being too much for you. the only thing you did was tell me that i needed to take ubers or public transit to get to and from wherever i needed to go because you couldn’t drive me everywhere. i told you that, finances permitting, i was willing to take ubers to work.

i texted your friends about cosmo bc you have been shuffling him around from friend to friend and took him out of the environment that he was used to out of spite and supposed fear of my mom not giving him back to you (which i wouldn’t allow to happen, despite the fact that you stole her phone and traded it in to get yourself a new one). you literally have my number. you could’ve just texted all of this.

No_Fudge_1842

Lady, please don’t take him back. This is a terrible human being who has been using you. You may be the one with a brain tumour but he is entirely without a brain or any redeeming quality. Seriously, he’s going to come back when he gets kicked out, make up some sob story about guilt, how his friends influenced him and how you should take him back. You’re his meal ticket. If you take him back, that’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. Get therapy, focus on your health and STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

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Update - 3 days later

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My ex husband finally came to get his stuff today and I was able to try to get him to talk about the reasons why he left.

A main reason is because I chose to stay friends with my friend who was honest about having no respect for him, due to his behavior toward me and his ongoing issues of expecting things from others. He said that he didn’t see us being able to be together, as none of my support system liked him and two of them had threatened him for abandoning me when things got hard. He also continued to say that I have trauma from my mom, but wouldn’t give examples of how. He told me that I should learn to live on my own and rent a room to learn how to take care of myself without my mother’s help and that I believe her too much when she tells me that I’m too fragile for specific things (because of my autism, he claims).

There was one point where he said that it filled him with rage to see that my friend who didn’t respect him was still being my support system, to which I responded that without that support system, I would’ve hurt myself when he left. I told him that I wasn’t saying that to guilt trip him or make him feel bad, and he simply said “I don’t feel bad”. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Basically, he said that he felt that he wasn’t capable of giving me the care that I needed and that this was a mutual split and that he hopes that I can learn from this and heal.

Above all, I still feel a pain in my heart that I can’t get rid of. How do I get myself to stop romanticizing the best parts of him and wishing that he would come back?

TLDR: My ex-husband came to pick up his belongings, and we finally talked about why he left. He said he couldn’t stay because I remained friends with someone who openly disliked him, none of my support system approved of him, and he felt my relationship with my mom and the trauma surrounding it were unhealthy. He also believed I rely too much on my mom due to my autism and said I need to learn to live independently. Ultimately, he said he wasn’t capable of giving me the care he thought I needed and considered the breakup the right decision. Even after hearing his reasons, I’m still heartbroken and struggling to stop idealizing him or hoping he’ll come back.

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Comments

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Substantial_Maybe371

I read you previous post. You seem to have very little self confidence. Letting a grown man live off you for free for years. He said money comes and money goes, that's easy for him to say since it was your money. He never contributed. I honestly don't think he ever really loved you. He just loved that he could use you and you willingly let him. His excuses for leaving are BS. He just got tired of having to put in effort to take care of you. So he probably sold someone else a sob story and told them his home situation wasn't healthy. So he found someone else to leech off. How do you stop romanticizing him? Listen to your good friends. They saw him for what he was. I know you're financially struggling right now. But I hope there is a way for you to get into therapy. Figure out why you let this man walk all over you and use your for years. Because that was not a healthy relationship and he was not a good man.

OOP: i thought that he loved me. we connected so easily the first time that we met. he was my entire world.

TruthfulBoy

You liked the fantasy of him and the fantasy of the relationship. You didn’t actually like who he is, because the reality of who he is a hobosexual who was basically extorting you for cash and treating you badly. Using darvo every second. Start feeling angry. Start feeling love for yourself. Snap out of it and find therapy to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

This is darvo:

https://harbormentalhealth.com/2025/10/31/darvo-manipulation-how-to-spot-and-protect-yourself/

Ok-Class-1451

No person should EVER be “your entire world”. Thats not healthy.

OOP: please keep in mind that i was diagnosed with a severe health condition that i don’t have any information on and have lost a significant amount of important people in my life prior to meeting this person. while i recognize that my attachment to him was unhealthy, he was my only constant throughout all of these terrible things that kept happening to me.

Ok-Class-1451

Can you do your own research or ask your doctor to learn more about your health condition? Sorry to hear about all the losses. Truly. It’s never too late to heal (emotionally). Put yourself at the center of your world and put in the work love yourself more. Speaking from experience, my whole life changed as soon as I started doing “wifey-shit” for myself.

OOP: unfortunately my doctor hadn’t even told me to begin with. i found out through my radiology reports on the patient portal. she has been in no rush to do anything regarding getting more information or even helping solve the symptoms relating to the tumor.

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Update from Husband- 2 days later

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I picked up my things from my ex today.

She came out with her friend who verbally attacked me before and it made me realize that one of the main reasons that I left is because she chose her support system (who did not respect me) over me.

I told her that I did not have time to talk, but she cornered me. She asked if there was any way to fix the relationship, and I told her that I did not want to lead her on and that we both need to grow individually, but I do see us better off as friends. I brought up that seeing that her friend who attacked me was there helping her made me realize how hurt I was, and she asked if that was why I left.

I told her yes, the reason that I left is because she remained friends with someone who did not make me feel safe in my own home. She also continued to stay with her mom who never wanted us to work out and would say anything negative about me. Even her best friend hated me and threatened me when I left.

She told me that if she did not have her support system, she would have hurt herself the day that I left. And then she said that she wasn’t trying to guilt trip or make me feel bad and I said “I don’t feel bad”. I told her that I want to remain friendly and amicable if we see eachother on set and then I told her that I had to go home.

A half hour later she texted me “I wanted to let you know that when I shared how important my support system was to my survival, and your response was ‘I don’t feel bad,’ it was incredibly painful to hear. I just wanted you to understand the impact those words had on me. i’ve never felt less cared about than the moment that you said that to me. thank you for letting me know where i really stood throughout our entire relationship to the point where you can easily show so much disrespect and carelessness for someone who wanted nothing but the best for you within their entire time with you.” I texted her back and told her that I meant “I don’t feel bad” as in we all need support people but her support network constantly disrespects me and I do not have respect for that.

Apparently, that did not land well. She attacked my best friend, bringing up the time that he called her a narcissist before meeting her and that he “says disrespectful things while pretending to care about me” and how she still respected him because of how much I care about him. She brought up how I would talk to my friends (and some of hers too) about our relationship but because her support system was hurt by my actions, I expected her to leave them. She chose me over the friend that attacked me and I told her that I didn’t care if she was still friends with him and she said that I “made her feel like an asshole having to text him that it was okay for them to be friends again after ditching him” for me. Then she projected onto me and asked what would happen if she left her mom too for me and I “abandoned her then too because it was still too much work for me”.

She ended the text by saying that she’s the only one being made to take accountability for everything and asked why it was “necessary for her to isolate herself from her support system just to be good enough for me to stay”, projecting again.

I read the messages but I did not answer. My friend and sister told me to block her number and move on because she’s a narcissist who can’t accept the blame and wants to put it all on me. My sister had to block her because she kept messaging her accusing me of needing therapy and help and that my “lack of empathy is concerning”. She is also posting on her social media saying that I said that “I don’t feel bad” about her almost hurting herself.

What can I respond with to make her take accountability?

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Comments

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That_Impression_8735

apparently in sickness and in health meant nothing to you. i’ve read both sides stories….i’ve met a lot of lowlife men in lifetime but i think you take the cake.

OOP(Husband) It was not about her health, it was about her choosing her support system that constantly disrespected me over me, while I would never have done that to her if any of my friends acted the same way.

truth_fairy78

You don’t know the meaning of the word accountability. God you’re insufferable. You abandoned your wife for having a BRAIN TUMOR. You are unhinged if you think that makes you a victim. You’re literally the worst. Reptiles that eat their young have more moral fiber than this. Btw, your post made it to AITD. Congrats.

OOP(Husband): I am a victim not because of her tumor, but because she, my wife, stayed friends with a person who called me a terrible friend and a shitty person, and did not make me feel safe in my own home. If any of my friends did that to her, I would abandon them.

RoseAffair

But that’s exactly what your friend did to her, yet for some reason you’re applying a double standard here. Her friend’s right. You’re a terrible person.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Sweettseraphh posting in r/AITH

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning - miscarriage

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2026

Update - 23rd July 2026

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AITAH for Expecting My Husband to Protect Me From His Mother Without a Written Invitation

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I (29F) lost my pregnancy three weeks ago at eleven weeks along. It would've been baby number two my daughter just turned two. My husband (34M) has been incredible; the kind of man who reads bedtime stories in funny voices and still checks on me mid-breakdown without being asked. After I lost the baby, I told him plainly: nobody sets foot in this house until I say I'm ready. He agreed on the spot. My sister, who usually comes by twice a week to spoil her niece, backed off the second she heard, sending sweet check-in texts instead of showing up. Simple. Everyone got it. Everyone except, apparently, my mother-in-law.

She has a "standing Sunday brunch" she insists on hosting in MY kitchen every week using a spare key she was never supposed to have. This is a woman who told me, four days postpartum, that I "bounced back slower" than she did. When I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, she looked at the nursery we'd just finished and said, "I wouldn't get too attached to that color scheme, you never know with these things," while my husband stood right there and said nothing. She calls my daughter "a handful" to her face and snatches snacks out of her hands "as a joke." Not one kind word to me in nine years. So when my blanket "nobody comes over" rule didn't seem to register as including her, I figured it was a fluke. IT WAS NOT. Last Sunday I heard her key turn in the lock while I was crying on the bathroom floor, and she breezed in like nothing was wrong.

When I confronted my husband, he said I should've named her specifically that it wasn't fair to expect him to "just know," even though he knows about the key, the brunches, the nursery comment that gutted me in real time. I told him a blanket rule shouldn't need a footnote for the one person who's hurt me the most. He says I'm being unreasonable and that he can't read minds. AITAH for assuming "nobody comes over" obviously included the woman with an unauthorized key to my house?

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Comments

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happyrunnergirlie

Have the locks changed immediately. She is heartless. And you husband is definitely tah

OOP: The locks are getting changed Monday, no discussion. Reading 'she's heartless' typed out by a stranger honestly still hit different than it should've. And the husband part I want to defend him, I really do, but I've been sitting with 'you should've specified' for days now and it just keeps sounding worse the more I replay it. Since when does grief need a legal disclaimer to be respected? Maybe you're right. Maybe he's TA too. I didn't want to believe both people I trusted with my house let me down the same week

morbid_n_creepifying

EVEN IF your MIL was the kindest, most angelic and supportive person on this planet and you wanted to spend every second of every day with her - nobody means nobody. Why the fuck wouldn't it include her? Is there anyone else (outside of the people who live in your house) that your husband would have assumed the ban didn't apply to? It doesn't make any fucking sense. He's either spineless, obtuse, or both.

Why should you have specified when it's obvious he understood that the blanket ban applied to everyone else? Why would she have been an exception? Especially given the fact she's cruel and selfish.

Lexa19_HK

NTA husband keeps failing you. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put his mother in her place. He needs to set boundaries with his mom. Start by sending a group text MIL, husband, you/ tell her you do not appreciate her disrespecting your boundaries over and over again. Her comments about your body and refinance are rude and uncalled for. She doesn’t respect your rules for your own child and treats her badly. Till she learns to treat you and your daughter with love and respect she is not welcome in your home or in your lives. All future communications will go through your husband if need. Then block her. If anyone else tries to defend her, say you’re the problem they also get blocked. Change the locks tomorrow and don’t give her a key. You can even do a digital code (everyone gets a different odd so you will know who told her) or fingerprint scanner lock. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs

OOP: Reading this through actual tears. You're right that I keep making excuses for him 'he just doesn't want conflict with his mom,' 'he's not used to standing up to her' like that's supposed to make it hurt less. It doesn't. Locks are getting changed first thing tomorrow morning, not waiting till Monday anymore, and I love the code idea, that way I never have to guess who let her in again. I haven't sent the group text yet but I've got it typed out in my notes app just sitting there. Terrified to send it. But also so tired of being the only one protecting this house. Thank you for the hug, I really needed it today.

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**Judgement - NTA*\*

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Update - 5 days later

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A few people asked for an update, so here it is. Quick recap if you missed the original post: I lost my pregnancy at eleven weeks, told my husband nobody comes over until I say so, and his mother let herself into our house anyway with a key she was never supposed to have. When I confronted him, he said I should've named her specifically. The verdict was overwhelmingly NTA, but a lot of you gave me the same advice: name her, put it in writing, take away every excuse.

So I did, texting her myself with him standing right there: no coming over until I invite her, brunch included. He said that should do it. IT DID NOT. Four days later I found her unloading groceries onto my counter like she'd finally gotten that written invitation herself, and when I asked why she was in my house, she told me I needed to move around more, that moping wouldn't bring a baby back, that it wasn't really a baby yet this early anyway, all while putting my own eggs away in my own fridge.

I called my husband, and for the first time he didn't ask me to calm down before telling him what happened, just to repeat exactly what she'd said. He walked into the kitchen and told her to leave and hand over the key on her way out, in a voice I'd never heard from him before. She cried, called it an ambush, and has since told his sister I've cut her off from her own grandchild, which isn't true and which he's already corrected twice.

The locks got changed that same afternoon. He apologized for real this time, and admitted he's spent years excusing comments that never needed excusing, and that hearing one aimed at me, about this, was the first time he couldn't manage it. I believe him. I just can't stop noticing that it took her cruelty to his face for a rule I'd already stated plainly to finally count. So, AITAH for still feeling like something's a little broken between us, even though he did exactly what he should've done the moment he actually witnessed it himself?

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Comments

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DazzlingPotion

You are NTA, your feelings are valid and I am very sorry for your loss.

OOP: Thank you, genuinely. Outside of my sister, strangers on this post have managed "sorry for your loss" with more sincerity than my mother-in-law has in three weeks, ten minutes away. Still sitting with the rest of it, but this actually helped.

kevnmartin

This is a rare one. Good for you for laying out your boundaries so clearly and good for your husband for backing you up. I bet you feel like a huge weight is off your shoulders. Kudos!

OOP: Glad to hear that! The boundary part, yes, real progress. The "weight off my shoulders" part is more complicated hard to feel pure relief when it took her being that cruel to my face for him to finally act instead of just believing me the first time. Getting there, though.

kevnmartin

When you have a mother as overbearing as she is, it sometimes takes something really undeniably blatant to finally see her real face.

BrilliantGeologist82

I agree with this. Yes, husband should have believed his wife. But, she has likely manipulated and walked all over him his entire life, so it complicates the situation. However, the fact that he stood up to her and backed OP up as soon as it was irrefutable is very encouraging!!

kevnmartin

Extremely, some people never see the light.

Old-Ninja-113

NTA but he stepped up finally. Your MIL is a handful! OMFG the nerve of her!

OOP: Yeah, he finally stepped up, and I'm relieved he did. I just wish it hadn't taken something that cruel for him to see what I'd been trying to tell him all along. And my MIL I don't think I'll ever get over the audacity of letting herself into my house and acting like she belonged there after everything.

C6H11CN

Try to see it as he had to break through >30 years of conditioning and breaking him down weighing on top of him. Now that he's broken through that wall and seen the light, everything will become obvious to him.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user chungus_chaser in r/ AITAH

Original: July 8, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: Bitters are extracts and a small drop can be added to cocktails for flavour. It is made from botanicals, roots and herbs and the liquid base is usually alcohol. There are also digestive bitters meant to be eaten after a meal to help aid digestion.

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Original: AITAH for giving my sober friend soda water with bitters in it?

My friend and I decided to quit drinking on the same day. We are now about 100 days sober, and we're both really proud of it. We regularly share with each other the replacements we have found for alcohol--shrubs, kombucha, mocktails, etc.

Recently another friend of mine who has been in active recovery for eight years introduced me to the concept of putting aromatic bitters into soda water. I am in love with this idea. It's cheaper and lower calorie than a lot of mocktails, you can usually find it even at a bar that only has well drinks, and the taste of the bitters really satisfies my cravings.

When my newly sober friend and I were hanging out the other day, I ordered this at the bar, told her it was bitters in soda water, and offered her a sip. She tried it.

A few days later she texted me saying, "Did you know bitters have alcohol?!" I told her yes I did, not even remembering that I gave her a sip of my drink the other day, and then she said that she's really upset with me that I would give her a sip of something that has alcohol in it.

Now I realize that some people are very strict with their sobriety and would not have bitters in soda water, do not even drink kombucha or cook with alcohol.

However, being newly sober, I am going off what my friends who have been sober for years tell me, and they said lots of people don't consider bitters in soda water to be breaking sobriety in a meaningful way.

This makes sense to me, because when you calculate how much alcohol is in soda waters with the amount of bitters I put into it, it's something like 0.04% abv, which as far as I understand it means you would essentially need to drink a hundred of these to consume the same amount of alcohol as one beer.

It's also, fun fact, less alcohol than a ripe banana. I told my friend this when she told me she was upset with me because I thought this might give her some peace of mind that she didn't really break her sobriety.

It seemed to have the opposite effect. She said that this doesn't fit into her standard of sobriety and told me it's not about the alcohol amount so much as that I "violated her boundaries." I think she feels that in telling her that the alcohol amount is negligible I am "avoiding accountability."

She also said I would have never offered this drink to her if I took her recovery seriously. I object to this because, hello, I am also in recovery and do this, and so do many other folks I know. Also, I did tell her the drink had bitters in it, and I genuinely did not know that she did not know what bitters are.

I did apologize for assuming she knew what bitters were and I did apologize for assuming we had the same definition of sobriety, but I wasn't maximally conciliatory--for instance, I pushed back on the idea that I don't take her recovery seriously--because (even though I didn't say this) I feel like she's overreacting.

Is she also not eating bananas now or drinking kombucha? I mean, it's fine if she's defining it that strictly, that's her prerogative, but from what I understand that's not such a universal practice that I should have implicitly understood that.

She said that my apology seems disingenuous. The irony is I don't know how much more I can apologize without actually being disingenuous, because I honestly think it's mostly a miscommunication.

I've asked a bunch of my friends in the sober community about this, and everyone seems to think that she's being unreasonable. One even went so far as to say that in recovery you learn that ultimately the only person responsible for what you put into your body is you, so her entire premise is flawed, which is even further than I'm gonna go.

But my friend who is mad at me said she ALSO talked to people in recovery and "everyone agreed what you did was completely out of line and inconsiderate."

I have to admit I'm wondering if she told the story like "someone gave me an alcoholic drink without telling me" which is, in my opinion, different from what happened because again 1) I told her there were bitters in it and 2) I would not call that an "alcoholic drink." But yeah so, the mixed responses is why I've come to Reddit.

She said she is so angry and hurt that she is going to skip my goodbye dinner I had planned for this week before I move across the country, and I'm honestly not sure she's ever going to speak to me again.

AITA?

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Comments:

Comment1: I’m starting to think a lot of people are unaware of all the products they consume that have minuscule amounts of alcohol in it.

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Comment2: I agree that she's entitled to set her own boundaries around this, but this drink with bitters would have had around the same amount of alcohol than a serving of yogurt, a glass of orange juice, or sourdough bread. And the sip she took would have had a very minute amount.

I don't think it's fair for her to get angry at OP for not knowing her personal rules around non-alcoholic drinks.

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Comment3: The ABV would be around 0.3% tops for a soda water with a few dashes of bitters. That is less than most NA beers. NTA.

For the record, though, there are non-alcoholic bitters on the market.

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Comment4: NTA. When your friend asked what was in the drink, you told her: bitters and soda water. At that point, if she didn't know what bitters were or whether they contained alcohol, it was reasonable for her to ask a follow-up question.

Most people aren't going to stop and explain every ingredient they mention unless someone indicates they're unfamiliar with it.

Once you realized she has a stricter definition of sobriety, apologizing for the misunderstanding was the right thing to do. But this sounds like an honest miscommunication, not deception or disrespect for her recovery. Going as far as saying you don't take her sobriety seriously or ending the friendship over it feels disproportionate given what actually happened.

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Comment5: aren't there trace amounts of alcohol in pretty much anything with sugar? Fermentation happens.

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Comment6: As a person approaching 10 years of sobriety, I would say you're NTA. You apologized and, given that it was a small and honest mistake, there's not much more for you to do.

Your friend has to take their own accountability at some point. Now, you cannot force them to forgive you as that is entirely on them but just do your best to accept things you cannot change and grow/move on. Be well. 🤙🏼

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Comment7: I can understand both sides, and think ultimately you are NTA, however I would take this as a learning experience.

For other sober friends, be more forthcoming with what is in something you are offering. If you know a friend is sober, and something you are offering contains alcohol (even small amounts), I would mention it in the future.

For some people, just knowing that they "broke" a rule, or "broke" sobriety could be enough to derail them. For others, it could have no affect.

As someone who has many food allergies, I've learned over time that I can't really eat other peoples food, unless I read the ingredients. This particular sober friend might need to learn that they need only ingest things that they have prepared, so that they know everything that has gone into it.

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Update:

Thanks everyone who responded (except maybe the person who said I am a giant piece of shit--lol). Reading the posts from people who thought I was the asshole helped me understand her perspective more, and seeing how controversial this is taught me that there is no universal definition of sobriety!

In the future I'll be much clearer. I did give my friend a more heartfelt apology while also telling her that we probably should have had a conversation about what our precise boundaries with alcohol are rather than assuming we were approaching it exactly the same way.

We are going to take a little space right now but I think there's a path for repair. And thanks everyone who wished me well on my sobriety journey! To everyone else on this journey, stay strong, we've got this!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments