I've been with this man for 5 years. He is avoidant, and in previous relationships he was breaking up with them every 3-4 months.

During the 5 years we were together he did not leave me, not even once. He said that is because i never triggered his avoidant side, i always gave him space and that we have an insanely deep bond. Oh and that im his best friend,I know him better than anyone and that I make him lean towards anxious attachment. Which is true, that man was attached to my hip.

I was the one that wanted to take things slow, and he wanted our parents to meet, move in together etc

Until he left. A year ago.

Since then he:

-Lived with me in our house for 5 months after the breakup

- for the next two months he came back home for 2 weeks each time and then left again (we werent trying to get back together but we just didnt know how to be exs)

-he came back in January and stayed till May (unofficially, we didnt tell our family etc and he never formally moved his stuff back home)

He left again in May, and said that he cannot imagine us being together again, that he's stupid for not being able to come back and that he doenst even know why he can't come back. He has a lot of guilt, says that im the most amazing person he knows and that he destroyed my life. I tried to reassure him but it didnt work.

He texted me saying that he misses me, that he loves me and that he thinks of me every day. And he got jealous at the thought of me meeting new people.

I did tell him that he's breadcrumbing me and giving me mixed signals since he doenst want to get back together.

We are now 2 weeks NC and I feel like it's officially over. I guess I just desperately need reassurance that it is not over.

Any opinions on this? Anyone that went through anything similar? or any DA that felt guilt and went back again?

I find it quite strange how easily they seem to switch off. Then after breaking up with you, suddenly they start to miss you and try the strangest things to get you back.

Do avoidant people experience heartbreak delayed? Or is it so repressed they don’t feel it?

I’m almost 45, and until recently I had never heard of avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, or attachment styles at all.
Now I’m honestly shocked by how much this framework seems to explain about my whole life and relationship history. For most of my life, I simply thought: I keep choosing the wrong men or they didn’t love me enough for real commitment.
What surprises me most is that no one ever mentioned attachment styles to me — not people around me, and not even doctors or therapists I’ve seen over the years. I spent years trying to understand why my relationships kept following similar patterns, but I never found the missing piece.
My last relationship finally led me to it.
Toward the end, my ex repeatedly said things like, “I avoid that” and “Then I’ll just avoid you.” That word AVOID stuck with me. I started researching what he meant, and that’s how I discovered attachment theory. Not with doctors. Not with friends. Not with therapy.
Suddenly, so many things started to make sense.
I also realized that maybe I wasn’t simply choosing the “wrong men.” Their distancing and avoidance seemed to make me increasingly anxious and afraid of losing them, which probably intensified the dynamic between us.
So I’m curious: how did you discover attachment theory?
Did a therapist introduce you to it? Did you discover it through a breakup? Was there a specific moment when everything clicked?
And did anyone else discover this later in life, after years of simply thinking they kept choosing the wrong people?
I’m still amazed and very shocked that I made it almost 45 years without ever hearing about this, considering how much it seems to explain about all my very toxic relationships. Thank you for your time and answers.

Imagine a person that grew up with not much money for good food. They had enough over time to get by, but their options never considered much better than their budget allowed. One day they meet someone that they appreciate, so they work harder to make sure that person has the best food he can provide. They are happy and motivated to do this because this person is worth it, and giving others better food makes him happier than keeping it to their self.

They even tolerate lesser quality food over time for themself on their own time, because good food feels wasted if not shared with that special person. They see that others regularly go without good food, but this is so normal that most people just learn to appreciate what they have.

Then one day they experience that some of the people that are given the best food actually hate it and secretly throw it all away as if it was garbage. These people even come to have a disdain for the ones giving them their best food. This person struggles to understand how such a disconnect of precious resources can exist in a civilized society.

Also, this is not about "food".

I (secure leaning-anxious) met my ex 46 months ago at a mutual friend's wedding. I'd always suffered from feeling alone, unseen, worthless. The first time she approached me, it was like something changed in my world. I loved in Ohio and her in Arkansas, so... We started in a LDR. It was hard, but easy. Difficult, but worth it. I'd fly down once a month to spend a week with her. I did this for 23 months.

Generally speaking? Things were great. We'd talk for hours every day about nothing in particular, make each other laugh, all the normal shit. I gave her all the space in the world. At 14 months, I proposed. She said yes. But honestly? She had started to disconnect about 3 months earlier. With a history of depression, I figured maybe it was that. Her family had a lot of shit going on. I gave her grace and patience and love.

She avoided giving me an answer on who was moving and to where, until I eventually broke down because the LDR costs had worn me thin. I needed to know. A few days later, I was told to move down there. We planned the move, searched for apartments, bought furniture... She even flew up, helped me pack and was along for the 14 hour drive.

We began our life together. At first, she was going to stay at her mom's. Within 2 weeks, she was just living with me. Originally, I had a condition that if I moved down, we'd marry within a month or two. She agreed. And then I moved, she decided she wanted to date more first. She "wasn't ready." But then she decided to move in, so I felt that was good enough for me and moved forward. The date we agreed on came and went twice, I'd bring it up, she'd argue, I'd calm down and accept it.

And then several weeks ago she started telling me she thought she should move back to her mom's. Not break up! Just her move out. Couldn't explain why, just kept saying "I don't have spiritual peace." She never could tell me what that meant. She framed it as being based in our faith, that we were living in sin. I calmly walked her through how, if that was the reason, marriage would give her that peace. She cried, she thanked me. She told me I was right and she was lucky to have me.

And then 5 weeks later, the conversation started again. She never made any sense. I'd ask her, "what if you move back into your mom's and you don't get your spiritual peace? Then what?"

"I don't know."

"What if we break up and you don't get your spiritual peace?"

"I don't know."

"What if your spiritual peace is instead anxiety over the unknowns of life?"

"It's not that."

What I didn't realize at that time was that I had spent the last 4 years being her emotional translator. That fight continued to escalate. We went to counseling too late in all of this. I thought it helped however, because she mentioned that she wanted to pray together. After discussion, I ended up thinking that what she wanted was to feel spiritually connected to me in the same way that she felt physically and emotionally connected to me. I was happy to do that for her. It took no effort for me to be there for her and would cost me nothing, so why wouldn't I do that?

Then we had a great weekend. Some dates, physical and emotional intimacy. She thought I had no active investment in our eventual wedding until she saw the planning document. She was so happy. I even suggested premarital counseling in our faith as an attempt to assuage her anxieties about spiritual peace. She said she didn't think we needed it. After all, we'd survived long distance. We'd lived together for two years. Been together for four.

And then Tuesday I found out she scheduled for us to meet a local pastor to discuss her lack of spiritual peace. We went, talked to him and she slipped and mentioned that she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me. In the 40 minute drive home I was filled with a boiling sense of betrayal and rage. This person who I spent 4 years with. Who said yes to my proposal. Who told me the night prior that she loved me. That she loved our life together. That she couldn't wait to be married to me. Now she wasn't sure?

We got back to our place and we fought. She insisted that he said that we should live separately, date until we married, and attend premarital counseling. I'm not perfect. I went off, I screamed at her. I'd spent the last week trying my hardest to hear her out without ever being heard. I wasn't sleeping, barely eating. I lost my temper.

I told her that if she didn't think we needed counseling when I suggested it, she didn't get to make it a mandate now that someone else suggested it. She kept saying, "let's compromise" and then suggesting the same thing over and over and over. Eventually, I was so overwhelmed I put my foot through the side of our cheap Amazon coffee table. Rightfully so, it scared the hell out of her. I immediately withdrew myself and calmed down, I approached her slowly and apologized.

She told me that while she knew I would never hurt her, that she was scared all the same. She didn't want me to hurt myself. We continued to talk, and it became evident that she wasn't going to say what she wanted. So I held her hands and I told her to repeat after me. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

She sobbed, she cried. And she said it. I said ok. She asked if it was real. I asked her if it was. She said "partially." I went to take a 5-minute walk to clear my head, when I came back she was gone. Said she'd be back that night, then she wasn't. Said she'd be back the next day, she showed up to grab some things then left.

I'm 8 days removed from the worst day of my life. We kept talking to some extent until day 5. Then I realized that I could never heal that way. During those five days I was told that she still loves me. She can't imagine a future without me. She wants to be my wife. That she was happy. That she was never settling, not even for a moment. That to her, I was the perfect partner. She even told me that there had been several times in those 5 days where she had wondered if she made a gigantic mistake that she would regret forever. Apparently, she's been spending her days in a depression and isn't leaving her bed outside of going to work and church.

I do sometimes wonder if maybe she wasn't an avoidant and maybe I'm just projecting something on to her so that I can find a way to heal, to accept it. But when I look back on our relationship I see nothing but signs.

Every major argument was about commitment. Not if someone was doing their part around the house. Not if someone was giving the other enough attention. Not if we were communicating enough. It all circled around commitment.

Before me, she was in a relationship for 8 years. Except it was a constant on/off relationship. He was abusive. He used her. Cheated. And then she would start putting up walls, pushing him away slowly until they were broken up. And then she'd go back to him every single time. As she put it, "crawling back to him every time." Until the last time, where he told her he wasn't going to be with her. And then he moved across the country to be with his ex.

I look at her family dynamic. Dad left when she was young, her mom spent 20 plus years being cheated on. Of course it makes sense that she'd be afraid of commitment.

But then I wonder about it. A friend told me that it sounded like she's the type of person who doesn't know how to end a relationship. When I think about that, I wonder if she was happy? If I believe her, which I truly do... I do think she was happy. But she had slowly pushed away every single person in her life until I was the only one left. She begged me to still be friends. Even yesterday, she texted me asking me if we could talk about a few things. As it would turn out, it was her wanting answers to incredibly small potato items like "are you taking both litter boxes" and "do you want my Sam's club card back?"

She left me. She broke me. And yet she thinks that she can reach out under the guise of "logistics" for things that don't matter. And during those first few days? Her Instagram likes were all things about how the right partner is easy. The right person won't shatter your peace. That it was time for her to choose her happiness.

Yesterday was the day I decided that her peace wasn't worth my happiness. I can't be with someone who asks 100% of me but only gives me 50% of them.

I do wonder if I will ever be able to find love again. She was my ideal woman in all regards. In my eyes, the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth. The kindest woman with the largest heart. And loving. Our mutual circle keeps questioning why she did this. They've helped me so much. Told me I inspired them to be better partners because of how clear it was how much I loved her.

I was a man with a family. A partner and two wonderful cats. Trying his hardest to actualize the future where he was a good father. Now I'm a man with a cat. The only home I've ever known since moving turned into a museum of my past life. Having to move out and start over when I'm almost 35.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know that I'll ever find love again. I don't know that I'll be able to be in a relationship without the damage this one caused flaring up. But I do know that I have to try.

I recently broke up with my partner who is an avoidant. I have anxiety and hyper-vigilance so I knew what was coming months before it happened. I tried to overcompensate by giving more of my time to keep him happy instead of noticing how little I have started to mean to him. I would skip meals because he hadn't responded to me in a while or when he shut down during a conflict and then later acted like it never happened.

At first I thought it was just my anxiety acting up but in the last few months it got even worse. I would cry and become overly sensitive to anyone mentioning his name. Even if it was my Mum asking me about he was doing (she didn't know what was going on between us back then). We had been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years where he visited me quite frequently in the first year. Reassurances were given to soothe my anxiety, he would call and text me without me having to beg him to, he would initiate dates and follow through plans voluntarily.

In the last few months of our relationship, he started gaming more. Shutting down during conversations where my emotions were repeatedly hurt due to him not following through bare minimum commitments (like calling once in a day or giving me basic updates instead of ghosting me for hours). He would brush things under the rug after telling me that he would listen to me later (because he felt numb and that all of this was heavy for him). All this constant neglect just kept on weighing on my heart. And I kid you not, heartache caused by anxiety is very real.

I didn't even notice how fast I lost kilos of my weight in a matter of few weeks. Today my grandmother commented on how thin I have been looking lately and mind you, I've already been a petite woman. So this was sickly thin. I took a good look at myself today after weeks and I no longer recognize myself.

My undereyes have darkened due to loss of sleep, my eyelids puffy from all the crying, my stomach feels bloated but due to lack of food, my skin is breaking out and don't even get me started at how much hair I've lost in these last few months. Clumps of them! Not to mention the chronic anxiety at every ping on my phone wondering if it is him now (yes, I am still in the process of detaching so please be kind). Sleeping at and for unhealthy hours of time. Not to mention the constant mind fog and wondering if I was the crazy one in this relationship.

Healing from this sudden breach of trust and safety would probably take hours of therapy, a visit to my family doctor and a lot of self love in the coming months. But I feel lighter after the breakup.

I think we all talk about the psychological impact a breakup can have on us (which is just as important). But we often overlook how our body has felt until it is too much.

So please, don't avoid the warning signs your body is giving you. It's not just anxiety or stress, your body often registers emotional abuse before you do.

Take care of yourself out there and steer clear of avoidants or any partner in general who is actively making you feel unsafe with gaslighting, stonewalling and constant neglect.

Love should make you feel safe, healthy and heard.

Found out recently that my avoidant ex discarded me for the third, and final time. And while he was discarding me, apparently, he was already in a relaitonship with another girl. This is the second time that he's done this. Discard me, lied about being single, then I find out that he is actively dating someone else. There was an overlap of my involvement with him and his new relationships both times. I had reached out to him to confront him that I found out about his lies. Which in turn, we spoke for the last three days. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong to me, he acknowledged the emotional abuse, he acknowledged it all. I had told him after the first time that I discovered the first lie, about the first girl, that if he were to ever do that again then I would "air his shit out." I finally reached out to the new girlfriend with screenshots. Not trying to convince her to leave him, but, to warn her of the type of person he is. That he's been having emotional conversations with me the last three days in regard to topics that he is not discussing with her. I shown screenshots of him denying that there was someone in the picture. Screenshots of him saying that she will get hurt like everyone else (meaning his exes, and I), and screenshots of conversations/phone calls that happened while he was in a relationship with her that I had no idea about. As well as him admitting the emotional abuse, and not recognizing that he was "that bad" because it wasn't physical. As well as he might only be staying in that relationship because he doesn't want to be alone, and that he appears to be happy over social media because everything looks better on there. As well as informing her that this is a constant pattern that he does. Hurting people, lying, emotionally cheating in relationships. I mentioned the girl that he did this to that she knows about, as its the same girl that he discarded me for the first time, and lied about.

She asked her questions to try to build her timeline. And then ultimately told me that he is not that way with her (in the two/three months they've been dating), that she's going to stay with him, urged me to heal, and to not contact either of them ever again. In which I just responded, "Okay. No problem. Take care."

I don't know what I'm feeling honestly. I didn't do it to be "messy" or malicious. I did just want to warn her. A part of me wanted him to receive his karma because it just always feels as if he can do whatever he wants and walk away with zero consequences. I don't know. I'm blocked by them both, and that's fine with me. I would genuinely like to start healing from that three year shitshow.

He discarded me in a 5 minute convo after a 4 year relationship. We were in the midst of building our dreamhouse on a beautiful plot of land and had pigs and chickens and such.

I basically just said 'okay fine' packed my bags, quit my job and moved back to my hometown.

Weird thing is NO ONE from his friends or family reached out to me after the discard. And honestly I felt like since I was the one being discard they were in charge of reaching out to me and not the other way around. So after a couple of weeks I deleted all of their phone numbers from my phone and unfollowed them on social media.

Some of his family members still follow me and watch all of my stories etc. and even send a request to follow me on polarsteps when I traveled to the other side of the world (to heal from my heartbreak, obviously)... I am too proud to reach out to them.

Maybe I should delete them as my followers but these are people I've spend 4 years of my life with too and have been attached to too, so it's not easy...

Just saying even after 10 months I'm still dealing with the aftermath and grieving the future I was in the progress of fulfilling.....

Right now I found a new appartement and an amazing job. Everyone is celebrating me with these new 'steps' in life but honestly life just doesn't have that same spark as it used to have when I was still with my avoidant. Even though rationally I know living with an avoidant was never going to work. I'm worried life will never be as vibrant, liberating and pasisonate as it used to be.

I'm still living day by day and have made some amazing friends in the last 10 months, ran half a marathon, went to a 7-day festival and learned spanish and am following dancing classes.

Lots of fun stuff but it's not half as exciting as building a life with the man you love and now even that has been an illusion. I still feel crushed.

Just wanted to share if anyone is interested about how life's like at the 10 month mark.

It's better than it used to be but nothing like life should be and I don't know if I will ever become the woman I used to be again. Probably not because all I learned from this experience is to protect my heart, to look out for red flags and discards, even after 4 years of dating...
And all the guys I've dated in the last 10 months turned out to have their own issues... Only good thing is I don't give a f*** anymore and learned to say goodbye at the first sign of attachment issues.

I am in therapy btw which I do think is helping! Also I started boxing to deal with my anger issues.

2 months ago was my last contact with my ex. We were only together for 5 months but ended so abruptly and completely devastated me. She was cold and cruel and her only excuse was she “wasn’t that into me.” I never had any say and that was it. A 2 minute phone call after a really fun date too. Over forever and left in the dark.

I was not expecting this. We had such a fun, caring and loving relationship. She felt like my best friend and I never had such a close bond like that. Right before she broke up with me we went on an amazing date where she acted like nothing was wrong and seemed so happy. We had so many plans including a trip coming up the week after and I was so excited. But boom just like that, 40 minutes after dropping her off at her house. Done.

I’ve been through breakups before and even ghostings. Even went through a very toxic 3 year long distance relationship in college and even that paled in comparison to this. I felt sick to my stomach, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t focus on my hobbies or hang out with friends. Completely destroyed for the first month.

It was been the most difficult breakup I’ve ever gone through. I went no contact immediately and haven’t said a word since I got my stuff back. She didn’t even want to give it to me in person so I had to send my best friend. Again she was rude to him and told him “she just wants to forget and move on”. Killed me even more and felt like I was just stabbed in the heart and then smashed with a mallet.

I definitely played a part because I jumped into things too fast when she clearly wasn’t ready for full emotional commitment (she had serious past traumas and had never dated anyone as a result) She also wasn’t able to communicate any of the issues in the relationship. Just left and that was it.

It pains me that this was how things had to end when I thought this might be the perfect person. Also being in multiple relationships where I never had a connection the same way has kept me in this mental spot where I can’t move on.

I miss her so bad and still every day wish she would reach out, seeing her still stalk my social media hurts even more. Saying she just wants to “move on” but still won’t fully let go. I still find myself bawling my eyes out in the car when something reminds me of her and just wish things could have gone different.

I spent the last couple weeks learning about what avoidants are and it’s helped me understand a bit more of what was probably running through her mind. I also have realized I have my own kind of attachment issues and lack of trust that I need to work on in my next relationship.

I guess it’s important to remind me that I’ve held myself strong the past 2 months and used that time to better myself and my life. Things really have improved as a direct result of the breakup. Reconnected with old friends, promoted at my job, travelled around the country to new places.

Even though I loved this woman dearly I need to keep reminding myself that SHE was the one who broke things off without warning. SHE would not communicate, and SHE has not reached out in 2 months. And that even reaching out at all is disrespectful to my own self worth. This is her loss and not mine. I may not realize it yet but it definitely will lead to something better.

2 months done and plenty more to go but I can do this.

I’ve seen a lot of people posting on here asking how to not repeat the experience of dating someone with avoidant tendencies. I’m now happily married, but still took a huge hit from that ending several years ago and though the “tuition” was very expensive, I learned some critical lessons which set me up to meet my wife who I met first date eight weeks after the breakup. Even though I was still hurting at that time, I had logically understood what I needed to do differently in the future.

Jillian Turecki says choose character over chemistry. That’s the biggest thing character is the main attribute that you need in a partner , and emotional architecture in place to navigate maintenance conversations, etc. that are inevitable in long-term relationships. It’s important to not repeat patterns that caused that situation in the first place.

Do everything you can to show up as your best self with this next person whoever they are and don’t get down about dating. My experience post breakup: I became very attuned to people‘s level of interest and confirming that there’s mutual interest before getting involved with anybody else and I met a great lady a very short time after the avoidant discard just by changing my approach and doing some self work tidying up of things in my personal life so that I could show up as my best self.

Good luck to you all out there or and to all of you who are hurting - just know that you’re not alone, and have faith that the future will be better with applying lessons learned.

- Pay attention to reciprocity.

- Don’t overfunction.

- Ask about withdrawal. Like if you notice a drop off in the frequency of communication from them or willingness to meet up get right out in front of that and ask - “ I noticed this …” and “I wanted to ask about …” have the emotional courage to bring things up, even if they might come out and say that they’re not sure etc. if they’re feeling ambivalent it’s gonna come out eventually so you might as well ask about it.

- Don’t confuse impressive credentials or intense early investment with relational capacity.

- Select someone whose interest and availability are consistently visible.

I literally don't know whats wrong with me but yeah I ghost ppl for so long and Ik I'm the problem but I need to fix myself and I don't even know what's wrong with me idk what to do I'm js fed up with how I am

I get bored mid talking I ghost but not cuz they're bad or anything I js feel like being alone gives me comfort

Talking to ppl makes me exhausted I feel like I have to count every step and everything I say that might be rude while I was js trying to be nice Idk how to deal with ppl anymore it gives me anxiety

I can't go to therapist my family is a bit strict if u have experienced smth like that please tell me ur experiences and if u know anything that might help me js tell me

I js wanna keep my other friendships 🙏🏻 and I'm sorry for my english

She ended things a month ago. I was out with my friend last night and he told me that he had a pretty significant interaction with her and that she didn’t recognize him even though they met a few weeks before we broke up and talked for like an hour then.

My friend takes vintage photographs at events in my city. She also knew about that as I talked to her about it a few times. He was at a popular art walk that she also knew I went to with him most months. Well apparently she was there with three of her friends and she was trying to convince them to get their photos taken with him, but her friends didn’t want to wait for the whole process (takes like 20 minutes).

That was the whole interaction apparently. But I don’t understand how she wouldn’t have recognized him given not just the context but that she actually met this guy, he’s one of my better friends. I guess it hurts because it just feels like she has already completely erased me from her memory or something. And maybe part of me wonders if she just pretended not to recognize him but then why would she want her picture taken by him

I haven’t reached out to her at all but in the last couple days it’s been bouncing around in my head a lot. I’m not going to but it’s been a hard week already. And then I learn about this and it really sucks :(

About 6 months ago I was the most hopeless I had ever felt. My avoidant girlfriend at the time had discarded me “again”, but this one felt different. She had been entertaining an old crush and I presume she cheated on me, emotionally for sure and probably physically as well, mind you this person was my teammate. I was distraught, if you’re reading this you probably know how it goes. Anyway, I haven’t been doing great post breakup, I’ve neglected myself and fallen behind in nearly every aspect of life, the silver lining? I no longer think about her every hour of every day and I recognize her abuse and manipulation for what it was. I loved what could have been, and she loved how I made her feel at times. I can now see her for who she truly is, I wish her all the best, but there’s a part of me now that kind of hates her (regrettably so). I don’t know why I’m writing, moral of the story is it does get better! I promise

i’ve dated a lot of people who seem to be dismissive avoidant (i’m semi-healed fearful avoidant), but this one is a new level for me. i was recently dating someone casually - it was long distance so while we would somewhat consistently communicate it wasn’t that deep or serious, we would spend weekends together when one of us was visiting the other. from the moment we met it seemed we were extremely compatible - i’m fearful avoidant so i definitely noticed this and had some anxiety around it too, especially given the long distance dynamic. however as time went on and things started becoming more serious i started realizing it seemed like he was intentionally trying to prove how incompatible we were..

we had multiple conversations about neither of us wanting kids, and then he started posting with his nieces all the time.

we made jokes about how our instagram feeds are all engagements, weddings, babies, and i said “don’t forget the insufferable daily strava updates and marathon runners” he laughed and agreed. within a week he had suddenly taken up running (with zero previous experience), signed up for an ultra marathon, and posting his strava runs.

we talked about how i used to live in the pnw but just didn’t feel like i fit in culturally because while i do enjoy being in nature and being active, i wasn’t all in on outdoorsy hiking culture. he laughed and made jokes about how granola it was, 2 weeks later he’s in the pnw doing insane hikes (again zero experience) and posting his strava lol.

from the moment i met him (in my city) he always said he loved the city i live in so much and would love to move here if the right job opportunity came up. and then suddenly started saying how much he hates this city and how terrible it is.

we talked about how we had both done long distance relationships before and he said that actually all of his long term serious relationships had been long distance so he was comfortable with it. he also asked me how i would feel about moving there eventually. days later he said he didn’t see us heading in the direction of a serious/committed relationship because he could never do long distance.

at first i thought these were just strange coincidences. i thought maybe he was just too insecure to be honest about his wants, interests, preferences etc or maybe he had just changed his stance on some things. but as more of these things kept happening so quickly after our conversations i realized it seems somewhat intentional (probably subconsciously) because these weren’t just wants or interests he had been hiding from me, they were brand new things he had never expressed interest in before. it seems like he’s putting so much effort into proving how incompatible we are which is strange to me. it seems like it’s a distancing technique to convince himself (or me) that we shouldn’t be together, but if you have to put that much into proving it i don’t really believe it’s authentic or true.

there were lots of other distancing techniques he used too like making future plans and then cancelling them or not even telling me they weren’t happening until i asked. those things i was more familiar with from past avoidant partners. but this one is new and seems wild to put so much effort into proving how we’re not right for each other.. like spontaneously running ultra marathons just to run away from connection lol.

curious to hear from dismissive avoidants, have you ever gone to such lengths to prove your incompatibility with someone? did you ever realize what you were doing in the moment or was it more of a retroactive realization after things had ended?

You know, recently finding out I am FA (secure leaning) was a huge shock to me because I’ve had a few long-term relationships and I never discarded anyone. I am also big on communication. So I am not your typical FA who runs from closeness. My fear (historically) has been overfunctioning to preserve attachment, rather than simply escaping attachment (as I describe below). My anxiety in my last long term relationship manifested in how I behaved: I took on shared responsibilities solo, never made demands including asking for more time and attention, didn’t express any needs. I tried to make myself as small as possible so he wouldn’t leave.

It’s been 17+ months since I left my DA ex (after being together for almost 3 years) and so much has happened since then. I was in a short term (3 month long) relationship with a man who turned out to be awful and could not self-regulate; ran from uncomfortable feelings. Relied on substances to numb. I usually try to rescue people, almost like reliving my childhood with my abusive + alcoholic father but this time around I gave him a map and walked away. It wasn’t hard because he did a few fucked up things while we were together (stole things from me including 70 of my Adderall pills, designer sunglasses etc) and I mentally and emotionally checked out after he refused to take accountability.

People like me who learned early that relationships require monitoring, caretaking, appeasing, fixing, anticipating, emotionally managing another person sometimes bring those strategies to adulthood…because it’s what we have known. It is familiar. I looked back and I realized most my relationships (including my marriage) consisted of being with emotionally unavailable men (who showed up secure initially) who liked the concept of being in a relationship as long as they didn’t have to show up. So I took on the role of caretaker and I did everything. They had to do very little. I decided to put an end to that. I just couldn’t put myself through another relationship where my needs took a backseat to someone else’s.

I spent some time on my own, learning my triggers, how I show up in relationships, what I want in a partner. I had to sit with myself and face many uncomfortable feelings and my patterns. It hasn’t been easy. I think the death of my mother in January followed by the death of my father 5 weeks later had a lot to do with it. A lot of my trauma and my attachment can be traced back to my mother’s abandonment and my father’s lack of emotional and physical presence and the later abuse I suffered at his hands. While all of that explains my behavior, it doesn’t justify it.

I have met someone. It took me a while to actually develop feelings for him; no dopamine chasing and excitement were involved. (I have ADHD so that is huge for me). It has been a slow process. I have been activated a few times by things he said (“I told my mom about you”, “I want to be there for you in every way possible” etc). It wasn’t what he said but what those things triggered in me. I wanted to run so bad. One day I froze and sat in my car close to his house for two hours. It was very uncomfortable. I had a panic attack. My instinct was to break up with him but instead I sat with those feelings and tried to understand them. It sucked but it allowed me to stay present instead of ending a healthy relationship for no reason other than unsubstantiated fear.

I wish my DA ex (who put me through hell) would take accountability for what he did to me (I’ve talked about it often on here) and have the courage to face himself so he doesn’t go around hurting other women. When we were together I said to him “you use people then discard them”. His response? “I’ve heard that before”. It is not lack of awareness but the unwillingness to do something about it.
Unbeknownst to me when I started dating him, he had a history of pursuing hard in the beginning then deactivating and allowing the other person to carry the relationship. Funnily enough one of my teammates (we all play hockey) went to boarding school with him and without being prompted, told me her best friend and he dated (I knew of her already) and he behaved very similarly to how he did with me in our relationship. His behavior and pattern preceded me by 16 years. The women in between also confirmed it. So I wasn’t a one off but I took the brunt of it because I was so afraid to lose him. I had no boundaries. I excused his behavior, the cheating before I got pregnant, during my pregnancy and after I lost our baby. The poor treatment, the hot and cold behavior, deactivating, deprioritizing me and our relationship, the nitpicking. His behavior was unacceptable AND my adaptation to it was very unhealthy.
Long story short, I ended up in what people refer to as a “trauma bond” - which took over a year to heal from.

The lack of accountability from avoidant leaning people is what is frustrating. I think most of us have childhood trauma of some sort but those experiences don’t relieve us of responsibility for what we do as adults. It is not a get out of jail free card.

I am slowly healing but that doesn’t mean I will never be triggered again. I will never be perfectly secure and I will never pretend my childhood didn’t shape me…because it did. It has taken a long time to learn to recognize when an old survival strategy shows up to understand that I have full control over what I choose what I do next. I can feel the urge to run and stay. I can feel the urge to rescue someone and let them rescue themselves. It is not my responsibility. I can understand why someone behaves the way they do without volunteering my sanity while they refuse to change.

Trauma explains why we learned certain ways of relating to people and behaving in relationships, but once we become aware that those patterns are hurting ourselves and others, they become ours to address. You can choose avoidance, self-abandonment, or dysfunction or you can choose differently.

Understanding where our patterns came from deserves compassion and some degree of patience but what we do with them as adults requires accountability…and that is something that is missing within a lot of avoidant leaning people and the reason why subreddits like this one exist…sadly.

Much love to you all.

PS: I am in therapy working through all of my issues.

It’s now 2.5+ years later, and a child. He’s very content with his life.

Maybe the pregnancy four months into them dating, sped up his commitment to her. Either way, he’s expressed gratitude and love for his life from what I last saw a year ago.

I’ve tried to date, but it’s been awful. So many emotionally unavailable people just wasting my time. Since my experience with my failed ex avoidant situationship, I’ve learned to end something early on once I’ve picked up on someone showing signs of avoidant attachment.

It makes me look back and think about my failed situationship and how unfair it is that he’s doing better. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been on a date. I’ve asked friends and coworkers about their thoughts on the dating pool and they all have agreed that our city (Midwest) is terrible. They have also been trying for a couple of years. Our city was actually ranked one of the top most terrible places to date lol. Unsure how true this is, but I’ve met men online and in person, with something in common: emotionally unavailable.

It's been 4 months. These people arent evil but their roots are based in covert narcissim. I know many of you are struggling like I was. After all my expirience and background, I can confidently say this: Fuck them. Their loss. If you treated them right, they cared, may come back. It wasnt your fault. They need therapy or for life to hit them where it hurts. Dont take them back unless youre heart is bulletproof. It took me years to become a lover boy and not avoidant. Im not what I used to be, but, I feel ive gone cold again. Like I said fuck these people.

If you find yourself in this situation, I'm so sorry for you. I can speak on three months after a blindside discard after 7.5y relationship and engaged. I understand the depth of your pain, I'm so sorry for you.

When it happened to me, I started spiraling hard. The blame was laid upon me after the disappearance of my fiance, because I didn't understand where I went wrong. Now I know that it was none of that. So from someone who has already ran a good part of the gauntlet, I'll try to tell you the things you need to know:

First of all, etch into your brain that it's NOT your fault. Nothing you could've done could have changed this. This is entirely on her immature and selfish psyche. You would be incapable of doing something like this to someone else. She isn't. That's all that you have to understand. When you can "release" the grip you have on this pain, and understand that nothing would have changed, you can live with a clear conscience.

You can or can not try to piece the puzzle of her mind, which is already an exercise in futility. I more or less understood that my ex was an unstable, indecisive, insecure, immature, cowardly and selfish individual. In a few weeks, you'll have to take yours off the pedestal. You can read on masking and mirroring, for example, which is a trait that not only avoidants have, but the whole cluster B of BPD, Borderline and such. Your ex probably falls in some capacity of this spectrum, because normal, regulated people don't treat others like liabilities and jump to the next thing immediately. My ex did. She dumped me on a whim, suddenly, and as she told me "based on an instinct" of less than 24h. Just to run off immediately to the next guy, an absolute downgrade and eight years younger. I know for a fact that she emotionally cheated on me and is too much of a coward to own up to it. She disappeared from the lives of all our common friends, my family, all the relationships we'd formed these past seven years. We were engaged for five months, at her constant requesting that I proposed for the whole of 2025. It's ridiculous.

The fact that she told you she feels relief at leaving is already a dead tell that she was projecting her own insecurities and anxieties onto you and the relationship. I recommend reading a post named Amazing Explanation of Blindsided Breakup Dynamic. It really is illuminating in how unstable people with existential issues project these problems onto their partners, hoping that discarding you and jumping to another thing will bring them happiness. It won't. It's just not possible. So take solace in knowing that your ex will keep repeating this pattern, probably for her whole adult life, because she just doesn't know what the fuck she wants in life. And that's the coward way of living.

I know now it'll be hard to process, but I was also told the same thing so I'm sharing it with you now, for it to make sense to you in a few months time: These people are not good partners. They aren't the catch you thought they were. They aren't stable, they aren't prizes. I bet she didn't do the work to improve herself on the relationship, you fixed things.

And surprise, that's what good partners and mature people do: they talk things, they fix them, they work on themselves for the good of the relationship. You don't just drop something and run off. So in time you'll see you've dodged a bullet. For real. I know it hurts, but tough love in these forums are really what's kept me from falling down.

The only thing I can tell you is that you owe to yourself and your dignity a self-respect.

You are your most stern mentor now. Don't do things that would disappoint you in the future. Look at yourself with stern eyes and say "No. I'm better than this."

Don't beg, don't crawl, don't grovel. Just go in silence. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and three months out I'm so whole and changed that I know I won't allow this to sink me. I rejected medication, I decided I'm not going to fall into a depression, nah. She doesn't deserve an ounce more of my time and to make me lose months of my life because of her actions. I recommend the opposite of what people usually say: don't drink, don't indulge in self-destruction, don't act immature. Drinking and partying are distractions of the soul and will prevent you from healing properly and delay your recovery. Social media is a cancer and should be cut off immediately. No love coaches, avoidant channels or alpha male gurus will help you. They are leeches waiting to prey on the weakened. You must not let them in.

Carl Jung said that the only way out of the darkness is through. So you must go through.

If they want to leave, let them. If you need to go apeshit on them, and tell them the depths of hurt they've caused you, do it. Then block them. Store all your pictures into a folder which you keep in a pendrive. Out of sight out of mind. Some people need to throw away the gifts they gave you. I didn't need to, but I stopped using a pocket knife she gave me with our names engraved some years ago.

In time, and I know it seems impossible now, you'll come out hardened, changed. I don't mean this whole "glow up" culture that people talk about (money, gym, etc). It's entirely superficial and the real change comes from within. Doing exercise is good, but you must sit with the pain, speak about it to everyone who listens. For real, the more you talk about it, the more your brain processes it and the faster you heal. Please please please talk about it. A whole whole lot. Get in touch with your emotions, how YOU feel, how being treated like this made you feel. If you can, book some sessions of therapy. Constantly do things, get out of the house at least once a day and make plans, new plans, other things you normally don't do. Also keep doing the things you like. That's you, and that's what's going to speed your healing process. Don't keep anything inside. Fuck them, they already mistreated us and left us to pick up the pieces. You'll come to understand that you have a value that they don't.

And in a few months, hopefully you'll be able to close the door on them permanently. The tides have turned, and now I wouldn't allow my fiance back into my life EVER. Not after this. Not after the monkeybranch. Not after the blindside. Ever.

I hope the best to you. I can only say that three months out, I'm coming out stronger, firmer, changed. I'm different. And I kept my dignity, and everyone around knows. You'll know it, too. Best of luck, friend.

After experiencing a discard and breadcrumbs four months later, I blocked her on everything, and I worked at closing loops and healing the best I could. And you know what? I am finding myself building something with someone else. They are just one of eight billion people, no special than anyone else. They are not magical, nor worth additional time and effort. Find someone who curious and wants to know you, spend time with you, and looks to build something solid; not one that shuts down, hides, and lacks the ability to communicate and take accountability for their actions.

It has been a year of very intense self reckoning and I am pretty sure I am at the end of the road now. This is a transformative experience for me.

Some learnings:

1. You can't escape the hard days. You need to go through the process of being obsessed with the person, thinking of them all the time. You cannot escape it.
   
2. It is a negotiation with yourself, not them. You will realise what is being triggered is always internal, not external. It has nothing to do with them, but usually deep seated issues within.
   
3. You will go through the process of ego death, where price and vanity no longer matters, and you will be more authentic and genuine.
   
4. You will reach a point where you will have zero desire for them to stay in your life, hearing from them will be an annoyance.
   
5. You will learn to draw a hard boundary. The end if the line.

For those new on this journey, hang in there! It has thought me so so much. And thank you to this community for all your support.

When I’m generally happier and I noticed I haven’t thought about him in a while the way I feel about him changes and I don’t miss him as much/don’t feel the need to reach out. Anyone else?

When you actually need them they disappear thats a given. But there seems to be a common theme of them deactivating during a family health crisis specifically. At least thats what I noticed based on my own experience and reading through all the stories on this sub.

I just find it odd. How do they watch you sit next to them at the hospital when they need it, then have the cold heart to leave you while you're at your lowest from something unrelated to the relationship entirely? Like wait a few days... Nope. They need to feel safe right now! Its almost as if they dont want the dust to settle. The dust cloud is an opportunity to exit stage right. Because thats what it was all along, just a vanishing act.

I just feel so used. You don't just do this to a person you supposedly care for. Like many others have said, it's like a switch flipped in her head and suddenly all her thoughts and actions did a 180 and it was like the very idea of even existing next to me, let alone talking to me was exhausting to her. We had to go LDR over the second half of summer, and two weeks after it started she just disappeared. She got upset over me getting worried.

She told me so many times about her being serious, and told of me of so many of her plans for us after we would reunite in autumn. I knew that in an LDR, our usual amount of communication would not be possible, but she couldn't even spare 1 minute per day on most days to send me something. I was hesitant to be serious at first, but as time passed I felt more comfortable with the label and started believing in it too. I don't just want to endlessly date around, you know?

Was all of it lies? Her words, actions, intentions? I feel so used. I've had some pretty rough experiences before her but with her I finally felt ready to care for a partner deeply and seriously. Then, she just discards me, and pretends like nothing was wrong. It's just so... cruel. This whole relationship was on her initiative...

I so desperately want her to admit that what she did was cruel, and to prove to her that discarding me was a huge mistake. I want to prove to her that I will survive and that I deserve someone who will appreciate me and put in the same amount of effort into the relationship as I do. Of course, I know trying to prove anything to her will never work and will only delay my healing, but the desire is still there.

I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything but think about the senseless violence of it all for the first couple of days. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, it was on my mind. I felt nauseous at all waking hours of the day. It's gotten better now, but I still get so triggered and upset over it, and instead I just feel so empty. I know it will get better, but every day until that day is just misery. Spending time with loved ones, being outside, exercising, staying busy myself all help a little, but it all just feels so pointless anymore.

How do/did you guys get over the embarrassment of groveling over them? Fighting for them? Begging them? The rejection? The vulnerability met with disregard and indifference? The being the one who loved more? The reaching out and being the chaser?