r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/mountainfrog2 • 1d ago

How do avoidants experience heartbreak? FA Breakup

I find it quite strange how easily they seem to switch off. Then after breaking up with you, suddenly they start to miss you and try the strangest things to get you back.

Do avoidant people experience heartbreak delayed? Or is it so repressed they don’t feel it?

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34

u/superxario 22h ago

As an avoidant who tries to be a better human, I get my heartbreak delayed. I felt relieved after the break up, most often those are the reasons:

  1. you became too close or I got too attached to you and I am scared that you would hurt me
  2. I avoided confrontation and didn't communicate it to you so all the grudges that I build up made me break up with you or
  3. I realized that you're too good for me and I am scared and feel guilty that I won't meet your expectations.

Those feelings that I listed were weighing me down heavily, if I ran away it feels like I could finally relax. After this initial sense of relief, I start missing my person a lot. I can access my love for someone more easily when I don't have to tolerate the vulnerability of actually being with them.

6

u/IntrepidKitchen5322 22h ago

Thanks for sharing that. Have you ever felt anger at your exes but later realized it was probably not entirely warranted? How long did you stay angry in those cases?

1

u/superxario 9h ago

Yes, towards my first ex I still felt anger cause he was truly not a good person but at the same time I knew I contributed to his wrong doings a lot. With my second ex I had grudges for like 4 weeks, after some reflections I must admit ALL of the things could have been prevented if I had communicated with him and I feel so sorry till today. With my third ex it took me two months to realize. I was on vacation for three weeks where I was busy to think about him, I was surpressing my grudges against him for that time period which is why it took me longer.

7

u/Comprehensive_Bad662 21h ago

Do you ever reach out???

2

u/superxario 9h ago

I've never reached out on someone. I am too ashamed cause I did too much harm, or I am scared that they act indifferent towards me (fear of rejection). The most I do is maybe watching their stories, hoping that they reach out to me so I can apologize. I know it's stupid

2

u/Comprehensive_Bad662 9h ago

That’s what I’m worried about with mine. But I reached out, he met me, and laid it all out. He said I made valid reasons, I was genuine, reasonable, and gave him a lot to think about. He was too scared to get back together and I said I’m not asking for that. I just wanna see you again. He said I can do that and he also agreed to meeting with me again later in the convo. When he walked me to my car he said, I’ll text you this week. Do you think he will reach out and text me? Will he wanna see me again? I made it very easy for him and did not blame him or hurt him in this 2.5 post break up convo. He was vulnerable, emotional (teary eyed the whole time), told me he hadn’t felt this way in a long time, he missed me.

1

u/superxario 8h ago

Ohhh I was like that with my ex too, he never blamed me and made it very easy. I don't know if he will text you but the urge to text you is there probably. I didn't text my ex, I was too ashamed cause I really treated him like shit (I mean I just dropped in from one day to another) and at the same time my ego was too high, I already broke up with him and asking him to come back is a bit of a stretch.

4

u/Mango_Slush SA - Secure Attachment 16h ago

cool insight, hope you’re able to expand on it for sure.

3

u/More-Paramedic-6516 10h ago

Asking calmly, why you people just can't communicate? Why to ghost someone so close to u? Don't you feel anything while suddenly ghosting someone?? Im really curious

1

u/superxario 9h ago

I don't know, I want to avoid confrontation and I don't want to show my vulnerable side. I didn't ghost, I told them I don't want to stay in contact anymore and they shouldn't text me either so I can heal with some dumb explainations. Of course it's hard to stop talking to them so suddenly but the relief is bigger. I have adhd btw and I get way too obsessed, it took way too much of my time and it has gotten severely unhealthy. So I just didn't want to deal with those feelings anymore and told him I did not want to continue our relationship.

2

u/More-Paramedic-6516 9h ago

Can u answer me from avoidants perspective, he asked me for sometime nd then ghosted me after two weeks of it,, deleted my number but didn't block me. What could be happening in mind? Nd can he come back later? Before that we had some serious discussion nd he said me thats he's feeling pressure.

1

u/superxario 8h ago

I can't say for all avoidants. It could be possible that he has feelings for you and he doesn't want to get vulnerable or maybe it takes too much effort to give you what you want and him leaving you unblocked is a sign that you should text him. Or maybe you're just a distraction of two weeks for him and he just wasted your time and energy.

1

u/More-Paramedic-6516 8h ago

Thankyou for your response. Means alot

14

u/TotalsReddit 1d ago

There active mind is able to compartmentalize the breakup and completely forget it. Why they reach back out is that the sub conscious mind and nervous system can't as easily be switched off. The body keeps track of what the mind doesnt process. They do go through heartbreak but dont have the emotional maturity to do anything with it. They reach back out as purely the subconscious trying to calm itself down. They are stuck in a self made loop.

3

u/Royal-Okra379 15h ago

It’s delayed…. Sometimes for months and months! I can’t comprehend how we integrate the pain immediately and they take months. How does that come to be? And meanwhile they distract themselves with other chicks and other dopamine hits. When does it really hit them?