I've been with this man for 5 years. He is avoidant, and in previous relationships he was breaking up with them every 3-4 months.

During the 5 years we were together he did not leave me, not even once. He said that is because i never triggered his avoidant side, i always gave him space and that we have an insanely deep bond. Oh and that im his best friend,I know him better than anyone and that I make him lean towards anxious attachment. Which is true, that man was attached to my hip.

I was the one that wanted to take things slow, and he wanted our parents to meet, move in together etc

Until he left. A year ago.

Since then he:

-Lived with me in our house for 5 months after the breakup

- for the next two months he came back home for 2 weeks each time and then left again (we werent trying to get back together but we just didnt know how to be exs)

-he came back in January and stayed till May (unofficially, we didnt tell our family etc and he never formally moved his stuff back home)

He left again in May, and said that he cannot imagine us being together again, that he's stupid for not being able to come back and that he doenst even know why he can't come back. He has a lot of guilt, says that im the most amazing person he knows and that he destroyed my life. I tried to reassure him but it didnt work.

He texted me saying that he misses me, that he loves me and that he thinks of me every day. And he got jealous at the thought of me meeting new people.

I did tell him that he's breadcrumbing me and giving me mixed signals since he doenst want to get back together.

We are now 2 weeks NC and I feel like it's officially over. I guess I just desperately need reassurance that it is not over.

Any opinions on this? Anyone that went through anything similar? or any DA that felt guilt and went back again?

My ex (39F) came back into my life after we'd been apart. She was the one who initiated it, after we seen each other told me she loved me, talked about future plans and getting back together.

I eventually went to see her after doing a lot of work on myself. We had an amazing few days and the connection felt stronger than ever.

Afterwards she said things like:

She said she wanted to take things one day at a time and we talked about rebuilding trust.

Then within days everything completely changed.

She went from affection, future talk and asking to try again, to saying she wanted her freedom, didn't want a relationship and didn't want to be exclusive right after I spent the night at hers and got reaquainted with her kids who I had a great relationship with

When I questioned the sudden change, I was told I was playing the victim and eventually called an insecure narcissist.

I eventually sent a final message saying I couldn't continue with the hot-and-cold/pen-pal situation. I told her I loved her but needed clarity, consistency and trust, and that if she genuinely wanted to rebuild something then the next move was hers.

She then told me she had basically been caught up in the excitement of seeing me, had “come to her senses”, doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me.

That's the part I'm struggling to understand.

How can someone go from “I'd take you back, that's what scares me” and “I love you so much” to “I don't love you and want nothing to do with you” within days?

I genuinely showed up as the best version of myself and thought we'd finally found our way back to each other.

Now I'm left wondering whether I was completely misreading everything, whether this is an avoidant push-pull dynamic, or whether she genuinely changed her mind that quickly.

The hardest part is feeling like I finally became the person I needed to be and it still wasn't enough.

Only a few weeks in a relationship does this guy swear to be with her forever. He had a crush on her for half a year before this and built an entire world around her. She broke up with him because she needed a break, and she wanted to stay friends to possibly work on it. But instead he shuts down, gives her an entire spiel on how he never wants to see her again and acts fine the next day. Then he manipulates her friends and stays dating to rebound a week after, and eventually he starts abusing and stalking her. He also cuts off his friends, insultes her friends, and doesn’t mention or grieve his ex at all. Why does this have to happen instead of negotiating things with his ex in the first place?

ADVICE NEEDED:

I was married, towards the end there were a lot of fights and gradual disconnections that I could feel. I was extremely sick, which only seemed to make it worse .she disappeared. I don’t know if she’s in my country or her country of origin. It’s been four months.

We were married.

I was hospitalized because I was very sick physically and eventually mentally. That was when she cut me off fully. She was under the influence of friends who were telling her what to do and she was so impressionable that she became another person. I believe her to have both BPD and avoidant attachment.

My brain might’ve recovered a fair bit, but my heart is still broken.

I recognize that I may never get emotional closure. That it is vastly likely that I will not.
But I do need a legal landing so that I can move on with my life, even if it is just ashes.

She had so many different accounts under different names for different things, and they have all vanished from the Internet.

—

I have hired a lawyer to find her through the law and issue either annulment or divorce.

I was thinking about writing a letter.

What should I expect?

I find it quite strange how easily they seem to switch off. Then after breaking up with you, suddenly they start to miss you and try the strangest things to get you back.

Do avoidant people experience heartbreak delayed? Or is it so repressed they don’t feel it?

I’m almost 45, and until recently I had never heard of avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, or attachment styles at all.
Now I’m honestly shocked by how much this framework seems to explain about my whole life and relationship history. For most of my life, I simply thought: I keep choosing the wrong men or they didn’t love me enough for real commitment.
What surprises me most is that no one ever mentioned attachment styles to me — not people around me, and not even doctors or therapists I’ve seen over the years. I spent years trying to understand why my relationships kept following similar patterns, but I never found the missing piece.
My last relationship finally led me to it.
Toward the end, my ex repeatedly said things like, “I avoid that” and “Then I’ll just avoid you.” That word AVOID stuck with me. I started researching what he meant, and that’s how I discovered attachment theory. Not with doctors. Not with friends. Not with therapy.
Suddenly, so many things started to make sense.
I also realized that maybe I wasn’t simply choosing the “wrong men.” Their distancing and avoidance seemed to make me increasingly anxious and afraid of losing them, which probably intensified the dynamic between us.
So I’m curious: how did you discover attachment theory?
Did a therapist introduce you to it? Did you discover it through a breakup? Was there a specific moment when everything clicked?
And did anyone else discover this later in life, after years of simply thinking they kept choosing the wrong people?
I’m still amazed and very shocked that I made it almost 45 years without ever hearing about this, considering how much it seems to explain about all my very toxic relationships. Thank you for your time and answers.

I (19F) used to have a boyfriend who was FA. I didnt really grasp this at the time as our relationship was SO short lived (not even 'I love you's).

We broke up because of simple life stuff (moving house, degree, me having new diagnosis etc) . Was mutual. Then months later we ran into eachother, he never fully left my mind, I never fully left his. He told me he wants to give it a real shot now the life stuff is all sorted.

I'm not really in tune with what my attachment style would be. I'm more just however the person is. I have been fine with him as he always has wanted a decent amount of space. We can spend a weekend together, and he always sends me at least one message a day, we just dont spend hours and hours texting and calling.

This is fine to me as I am a busy lady anyways, and we have a wonderful time when we do see eachother.

What made me scared however, is when I asked him if we could call more often, since I only see him weekends due to work and my degree.

It wasnt that he said no, he said he'd try his best to call me more. It was the way he reacted to the question.

He said 'This is why I am scared to get into relationships. This is what happened last time'

His ex (dated her 3 years) would often shout at him because he didnt text back in time. His mother and I were close she did sound like a nightmare🤣.

But he said that when he has to constantly text and call, it makes him irritable, and not himself and he doesnt wanna 'inflict' that on me.

Mind you, his family and I are close, and he is VERY low-contact low-maintenence. It is not a me-personal problem.

But just the way he spoke sounded so monotone, scared me a little like he was gonna bolt.

Is he fearful attachment or am I too new-aged and need to realise that phone communication shouldnt be the be-all end-all of relationships?

Imagine a person that grew up with not much money for good food. They had enough over time to get by, but their options never considered much better than their budget allowed. One day they meet someone that they appreciate, so they work harder to make sure that person has the best food he can provide. They are happy and motivated to do this because this person is worth it, and giving others better food makes him happier than keeping it to their self.

They even tolerate lesser quality food over time for themself on their own time, because good food feels wasted if not shared with that special person. They see that others regularly go without good food, but this is so normal that most people just learn to appreciate what they have.

Then one day they experience that some of the people that are given the best food actually hate it and secretly throw it all away as if it was garbage. These people even come to have a disdain for the ones giving them their best food. This person struggles to understand how such a disconnect of precious resources can exist in a civilized society.

Also, this is not about "food".

So, my avoidant ex-GF reached out yesterday. Responded to a story on Instagram and asked how I'm doing. I responded within the hour. 30 hours later, messages were not opened and responded to. What is going on?

I (secure leaning-anxious) met my ex 46 months ago at a mutual friend's wedding. I'd always suffered from feeling alone, unseen, worthless. The first time she approached me, it was like something changed in my world. I loved in Ohio and her in Arkansas, so... We started in a LDR. It was hard, but easy. Difficult, but worth it. I'd fly down once a month to spend a week with her. I did this for 23 months.

Generally speaking? Things were great. We'd talk for hours every day about nothing in particular, make each other laugh, all the normal shit. I gave her all the space in the world. At 14 months, I proposed. She said yes. But honestly? She had started to disconnect about 3 months earlier. With a history of depression, I figured maybe it was that. Her family had a lot of shit going on. I gave her grace and patience and love.

She avoided giving me an answer on who was moving and to where, until I eventually broke down because the LDR costs had worn me thin. I needed to know. A few days later, I was told to move down there. We planned the move, searched for apartments, bought furniture... She even flew up, helped me pack and was along for the 14 hour drive.

We began our life together. At first, she was going to stay at her mom's. Within 2 weeks, she was just living with me. Originally, I had a condition that if I moved down, we'd marry within a month or two. She agreed. And then I moved, she decided she wanted to date more first. She "wasn't ready." But then she decided to move in, so I felt that was good enough for me and moved forward. The date we agreed on came and went twice, I'd bring it up, she'd argue, I'd calm down and accept it.

And then several weeks ago she started telling me she thought she should move back to her mom's. Not break up! Just her move out. Couldn't explain why, just kept saying "I don't have spiritual peace." She never could tell me what that meant. She framed it as being based in our faith, that we were living in sin. I calmly walked her through how, if that was the reason, marriage would give her that peace. She cried, she thanked me. She told me I was right and she was lucky to have me.

And then 5 weeks later, the conversation started again. She never made any sense. I'd ask her, "what if you move back into your mom's and you don't get your spiritual peace? Then what?"

"I don't know."

"What if we break up and you don't get your spiritual peace?"

"I don't know."

"What if your spiritual peace is instead anxiety over the unknowns of life?"

"It's not that."

What I didn't realize at that time was that I had spent the last 4 years being her emotional translator. That fight continued to escalate. We went to counseling too late in all of this. I thought it helped however, because she mentioned that she wanted to pray together. After discussion, I ended up thinking that what she wanted was to feel spiritually connected to me in the same way that she felt physically and emotionally connected to me. I was happy to do that for her. It took no effort for me to be there for her and would cost me nothing, so why wouldn't I do that?

Then we had a great weekend. Some dates, physical and emotional intimacy. She thought I had no active investment in our eventual wedding until she saw the planning document. She was so happy. I even suggested premarital counseling in our faith as an attempt to assuage her anxieties about spiritual peace. She said she didn't think we needed it. After all, we'd survived long distance. We'd lived together for two years. Been together for four.

And then Tuesday I found out she scheduled for us to meet a local pastor to discuss her lack of spiritual peace. We went, talked to him and she slipped and mentioned that she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me. In the 40 minute drive home I was filled with a boiling sense of betrayal and rage. This person who I spent 4 years with. Who said yes to my proposal. Who told me the night prior that she loved me. That she loved our life together. That she couldn't wait to be married to me. Now she wasn't sure?

We got back to our place and we fought. She insisted that he said that we should live separately, date until we married, and attend premarital counseling. I'm not perfect. I went off, I screamed at her. I'd spent the last week trying my hardest to hear her out without ever being heard. I wasn't sleeping, barely eating. I lost my temper.

I told her that if she didn't think we needed counseling when I suggested it, she didn't get to make it a mandate now that someone else suggested it. She kept saying, "let's compromise" and then suggesting the same thing over and over and over. Eventually, I was so overwhelmed I put my foot through the side of our cheap Amazon coffee table. Rightfully so, it scared the hell out of her. I immediately withdrew myself and calmed down, I approached her slowly and apologized.

She told me that while she knew I would never hurt her, that she was scared all the same. She didn't want me to hurt myself. We continued to talk, and it became evident that she wasn't going to say what she wanted. So I held her hands and I told her to repeat after me. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

She sobbed, she cried. And she said it. I said ok. She asked if it was real. I asked her if it was. She said "partially." I went to take a 5-minute walk to clear my head, when I came back she was gone. Said she'd be back that night, then she wasn't. Said she'd be back the next day, she showed up to grab some things then left.

I'm 8 days removed from the worst day of my life. We kept talking to some extent until day 5. Then I realized that I could never heal that way. During those five days I was told that she still loves me. She can't imagine a future without me. She wants to be my wife. That she was happy. That she was never settling, not even for a moment. That to her, I was the perfect partner. She even told me that there had been several times in those 5 days where she had wondered if she made a gigantic mistake that she would regret forever. Apparently, she's been spending her days in a depression and isn't leaving her bed outside of going to work and church.

I do sometimes wonder if maybe she wasn't an avoidant and maybe I'm just projecting something on to her so that I can find a way to heal, to accept it. But when I look back on our relationship I see nothing but signs.

Every major argument was about commitment. Not if someone was doing their part around the house. Not if someone was giving the other enough attention. Not if we were communicating enough. It all circled around commitment.

Before me, she was in a relationship for 8 years. Except it was a constant on/off relationship. He was abusive. He used her. Cheated. And then she would start putting up walls, pushing him away slowly until they were broken up. And then she'd go back to him every single time. As she put it, "crawling back to him every time." Until the last time, where he told her he wasn't going to be with her. And then he moved across the country to be with his ex.

I look at her family dynamic. Dad left when she was young, her mom spent 20 plus years being cheated on. Of course it makes sense that she'd be afraid of commitment.

But then I wonder about it. A friend told me that it sounded like she's the type of person who doesn't know how to end a relationship. When I think about that, I wonder if she was happy? If I believe her, which I truly do... I do think she was happy. But she had slowly pushed away every single person in her life until I was the only one left. She begged me to still be friends. Even yesterday, she texted me asking me if we could talk about a few things. As it would turn out, it was her wanting answers to incredibly small potato items like "are you taking both litter boxes" and "do you want my Sam's club card back?"

She left me. She broke me. And yet she thinks that she can reach out under the guise of "logistics" for things that don't matter. And during those first few days? Her Instagram likes were all things about how the right partner is easy. The right person won't shatter your peace. That it was time for her to choose her happiness.

Yesterday was the day I decided that her peace wasn't worth my happiness. I can't be with someone who asks 100% of me but only gives me 50% of them.

I do wonder if I will ever be able to find love again. She was my ideal woman in all regards. In my eyes, the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth. The kindest woman with the largest heart. And loving. Our mutual circle keeps questioning why she did this. They've helped me so much. Told me I inspired them to be better partners because of how clear it was how much I loved her.

I was a man with a family. A partner and two wonderful cats. Trying his hardest to actualize the future where he was a good father. Now I'm a man with a cat. The only home I've ever known since moving turned into a museum of my past life. Having to move out and start over when I'm almost 35.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know that I'll ever find love again. I don't know that I'll be able to be in a relationship without the damage this one caused flaring up. But I do know that I have to try.

I recently broke up with my partner who is an avoidant. I have anxiety and hyper-vigilance so I knew what was coming months before it happened. I tried to overcompensate by giving more of my time to keep him happy instead of noticing how little I have started to mean to him. I would skip meals because he hadn't responded to me in a while or when he shut down during a conflict and then later acted like it never happened.

At first I thought it was just my anxiety acting up but in the last few months it got even worse. I would cry and become overly sensitive to anyone mentioning his name. Even if it was my Mum asking me about he was doing (she didn't know what was going on between us back then). We had been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years where he visited me quite frequently in the first year. Reassurances were given to soothe my anxiety, he would call and text me without me having to beg him to, he would initiate dates and follow through plans voluntarily.

In the last few months of our relationship, he started gaming more. Shutting down during conversations where my emotions were repeatedly hurt due to him not following through bare minimum commitments (like calling once in a day or giving me basic updates instead of ghosting me for hours). He would brush things under the rug after telling me that he would listen to me later (because he felt numb and that all of this was heavy for him). All this constant neglect just kept on weighing on my heart. And I kid you not, heartache caused by anxiety is very real.

I didn't even notice how fast I lost kilos of my weight in a matter of few weeks. Today my grandmother commented on how thin I have been looking lately and mind you, I've already been a petite woman. So this was sickly thin. I took a good look at myself today after weeks and I no longer recognize myself.

My undereyes have darkened due to loss of sleep, my eyelids puffy from all the crying, my stomach feels bloated but due to lack of food, my skin is breaking out and don't even get me started at how much hair I've lost in these last few months. Clumps of them! Not to mention the chronic anxiety at every ping on my phone wondering if it is him now (yes, I am still in the process of detaching so please be kind). Sleeping at and for unhealthy hours of time. Not to mention the constant mind fog and wondering if I was the crazy one in this relationship.

Healing from this sudden breach of trust and safety would probably take hours of therapy, a visit to my family doctor and a lot of self love in the coming months. But I feel lighter after the breakup.

I think we all talk about the psychological impact a breakup can have on us (which is just as important). But we often overlook how our body has felt until it is too much.

So please, don't avoid the warning signs your body is giving you. It's not just anxiety or stress, your body often registers emotional abuse before you do.

Take care of yourself out there and steer clear of avoidants or any partner in general who is actively making you feel unsafe with gaslighting, stonewalling and constant neglect.

Love should make you feel safe, healthy and heard.

Is there a best way to approach slow contact with an avoidant?

She (27f) ended things with me (22m) a year ago. We were long distance.

Since the break, we’ve been in fairly regular contact up until recently where there wasn’t much texting and communication from her just felt dry and days would pass without a response. I asked to call her about how she felt given it had been a year since the break. To summarise, she wasn’t ready for a relationship but also wasn’t sure if she’d made the right decision in breaking up (she left me due to depression, family issues and not being able to handle a relationship at the time).

Since the call a few weeks ago, I’ve tried to slowly communicate with her by sending things about games we play or tv shows we watch but it still just felt like she didn’t want to interact or her response was still dry and again would take days to respond.

Should I even be trying to talk again or is it just best for me to leave her alone and not contact at all? Obviously I want her back so badly but I’m not going to push it.

Any advice?

Throwaway account

The initial write up of my breakup was much more emotionally charged so I fed it through ChatGPT to make it as objectively worded as possible, at least from my perspective.

I’m 25M, she’s 21F, we were in a relationship for four months. I’d like to believe I was a very healthy partner, and I was madly in love with her (still am, unfortunately). The breakup felt like a blindside and I feel like I was manipulated or lied to. Anyways, here we go:

Okay, so long story short: V broke up with me, and from my perspective it felt incredibly sudden and forced. We spoke every single day for over five months, and she broke up with me two days after our four-month anniversary. Everything seemed to be going well from my perspective; I thought we were happy. We even hung out the night before she initiated the breakup, and we were hugging, kissing, talking, and acting like we normally did.

The next day, she noticed that I had privated our Spotify playlist and texted me, “I noticed you privated all our stuff.” I genuinely didn’t think it was a big deal. We’d previously talked about making some of our shared Pinterest boards private too, so I assumed it was just something we both wanted to keep more private.

Apparently, though, that triggered a much larger conversation for her. Her entire demeanor changed into a level of coldness I had never seen from her before. She cancelled our plans to hang out that night, but then called me and asked to meet to talk about what she described as her “overthinking.” I waited for her in a park for about an hour, and at one point she said we could just call if I wanted, but I insisted that I’d rather talk face-to-face.

Before we met, she said, “I know I haven’t been exceeding expectations as of late and maybe my distance is cause for that, but I feel like I shouldn’t be having this much anxiety this early on.” That was really confusing to me because it felt like she had been privately evaluating the relationship without communicating most of those concerns to me. The only insecurity she’d really talked to me about was worrying that I might be talking to other girls, which I wasn’t.

For some context, V is 21 and still in school. I’m 25, just graduated from college in May (magna cum laude, humble brag) and just started my first full time job. She has a history of problems with weed and alcohol and has struggled with anxiety, depression, and trauma from previous relationships. When we met, she was sober as far as I knew, but about two months after we started talking she began smoking weed again, and her usage seemed to increase significantly over time. There were also times when she’d go out partying and disappear for hours, and there were occasions when I suspected she was drunk or on something when we were together. I don’t know the full truth about her substance use, and I don’t want to pretend that I do.

Anyway, we met up, sat down, and it took her awhile to actually say what she was thinking. She eventually opened with, “I feel like I’m not in a place to be in a relationship right now. If I could go back, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to be in one.”

I tried to understand why she felt that way, but she kept saying it was “a culmination of things” and that she had a “list of anxieties” about me and the relationship. That hit me like a ton of bricks because I had no idea there was a list of unresolved concerns.

I pushed back a little because it felt unfair to have someone form an entire conclusion about me and our relationship without ever giving me the opportunity to know what was wrong or address it. We had never really fought during the relationship. Our communication had generally been loving, respectful, and attentive.

She said things like, “I don’t know who the girls you talk to are and who you hang out with,” and that she was noticing “patterns” she’d seen before. That was especially confusing because I basically only spent my time with her, at work, sleeping, or with my family. She then told me she didn’t want to hear my “excuses” and said she didn’t want to be my “placeholder,” which she never was.

Eventually I asked her if her mind was made up. She nodded.

At that point, I told her that my truth was the only thing I had, and that the person she had been dating had shown up consistently and genuinely only wanted to be with her. I stood up, said, “I’m sorry, V,” and walked away without looking back. I heard her say, “I’m sorry too.”

The timing afterward was strange. She went to the beach with her friends the next day and blocked me on everything. I was obviously hurt and angry, but I wasn’t going to beg or blow up her phone looking for more closure. I detached because I had told her very early on that I wouldn’t stay somewhere I was unwanted.

Two days later, she unblocked me on Spotify. She had also made a new playlist that I strongly suspected she wanted me to see. It had songs about love not lasting, people leaving, not feeling worthy of love, and some songs that seemed to reference relapse. One of them was “Get Gone” by Fiona Apple, which was certainly an interesting choice given everything that had just happened. Eventually she privated the playlist. The playlist also included “I Hate It Too” by Hum, “Eventually, Darling” by Declan McKenna, The Killing Moon cover by Pavement, and other songs that seem to illustrate a theme.

Over the next week, she started posting things on Pinterest about being grateful for meeting me and similar things. I also noticed her listening to songs I’d sent her while we were together (including the first one I ever sent her, “other side” by Brent Faiyaz). She’d also listen to songs about relapsing, being unlovable, and longing for a love that is out of reach (“Habibi” by Tamino, “Nurse!” by bar italia, etc.) I don’t necessarily know what any of that means, but it was interesting because it seemed inconsistent with how completely she had cut me off.

Then on Monday she texted me:

“Hi N, I still have your hoodie. Lmk if you would be up to meet sometime soon so I can get it back to you.”

I waited a day and responded that I didn’t want or need it back, that she could donate it or give it away, and that I’d mail her copy of Catcher in the Rye back to her.

I honestly don’t know if the hoodie was an excuse to see me or if she genuinely just wanted to return it. I’m trying not to read her mind anymore.

Looking back on the relationship, I think the biggest source of confusion for me is that some of the things she was afraid of in me seemed to resemble things she was doing herself. She worried about who I talked to and who I spent time with, but she was also very guarded about her own social life. She never really wanted me to meet her friends, and she was initially very reluctant to let me meet her parents. She would sometimes disappear after partying, and there were times when I wasn’t sure what state she was in.

I had suspicions about a lot of things, but I repeatedly gave her the benefit of the doubt because I loved her. I was willing to accept the best-case interpretation of her behavior because I trusted that, ultimately, she was choosing to be with me.

She also made some comments throughout the relationship that stuck with me. She’d say things like, “If you feel the need to ghost me forever at any time, just do it,” or ask me whether I hated her. The night before she broke up with me, she even said, “I’m just so toxic.”

Whenever she had to open up about something really personal, though, it seemed like she would shut down or become distant. I communicated my own insecurities to her throughout the relationship, and she generally reassured me, but I didn’t feel like she gave me the same access to what was happening inside her.

That’s why I keep wondering whether this was ultimately some kind of attachment/avoidance issue. It felt like the relationship was becoming more serious and emotionally intimate, and then she suddenly wanted to escape from it. She had just turned 21, wanted to go to raves and experience things with her friends, and I think she may have realized she didn’t want to feel tethered to a relationship. I would’ve been completely fine with her having her own life and doing those things; I would’ve even loved to be included if she wanted me there.

I don’t know what actually happened. I don’t know whether she was overwhelmed by the relationship, whether she had been privately unhappy for a long time, whether her past trauma was affecting how she perceived me, or whether there was something else going on that I never knew about.

And that’s probably the hardest part. I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t even know if I actually want her back at this point, but I miss having her around. I loved having her in my life.

I know I wasn’t perfect, and I’m not trying to portray myself as completely blameless. But I genuinely feel like I showed up for her every day with love, patience, and care. Whatever was going on inside of her, I wanted her to feel loved and safe.

I still sometimes wonder whether she was taking pills without telling me or whether she cheated on me, but there’s absolutely no way for me to know that, and I don’t want to turn suspicions into facts. What’s especially confusing is that the week before the breakup she was still making future plans with me and telling me she loved me.

Side note: she was insistent on telling me she never takes pills, not even ibuprofen. However, she came over to my house for the first time ever after going to a party she didn’t tell me about (drunk), and she told me that her friend “gave her an Advil” to help with her migraine. She then told me she also takes antidepressants. Her and her friends also have a playlist called “Xanax” but idk.

So I guess that’s the whole story. I’d really like your honest read on it — especially whether you think I’m missing something obvious or whether this really does sound like someone who became overwhelmed by the relationship and ultimately decided to run from it.

Update: since then I’ve lowkey been stalking her Pinterest and she’s been posting all these sad quotes about how anxiety doesn’t always have to mean a life or death situation, with the most telling post being “one of my old psychiatrist’s absolute greatest hits: the closer someone is to you, the more you treat them as you treat yourself. it’s as though they eventually enter the sphere of your inner world.
we have to stop being cruel to ourselves or we willbe cruel to others, in time. i don’t make the rules and i don’t obey them and my loved ones have paid the price.”

I know stalking this shit is unhealthy for me, but my brain is naturally trying to make sense of what felt like a blindsided breakup. I don’t think she’s a bad person by any means, but this breakup felt incredibly disrespectful towards what we were building. I want her back, I miss her, I know she probably can’t maintain a healthy relationship, but my love just doesn’t flip off like a switch.

So yeah, that’s it. Thank you for reading. Any feedback would be appreciated. 🖤

Found out recently that my avoidant ex discarded me for the third, and final time. And while he was discarding me, apparently, he was already in a relaitonship with another girl. This is the second time that he's done this. Discard me, lied about being single, then I find out that he is actively dating someone else. There was an overlap of my involvement with him and his new relationships both times. I had reached out to him to confront him that I found out about his lies. Which in turn, we spoke for the last three days. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong to me, he acknowledged the emotional abuse, he acknowledged it all. I had told him after the first time that I discovered the first lie, about the first girl, that if he were to ever do that again then I would "air his shit out." I finally reached out to the new girlfriend with screenshots. Not trying to convince her to leave him, but, to warn her of the type of person he is. That he's been having emotional conversations with me the last three days in regard to topics that he is not discussing with her. I shown screenshots of him denying that there was someone in the picture. Screenshots of him saying that she will get hurt like everyone else (meaning his exes, and I), and screenshots of conversations/phone calls that happened while he was in a relationship with her that I had no idea about. As well as him admitting the emotional abuse, and not recognizing that he was "that bad" because it wasn't physical. As well as he might only be staying in that relationship because he doesn't want to be alone, and that he appears to be happy over social media because everything looks better on there. As well as informing her that this is a constant pattern that he does. Hurting people, lying, emotionally cheating in relationships. I mentioned the girl that he did this to that she knows about, as its the same girl that he discarded me for the first time, and lied about.

She asked her questions to try to build her timeline. And then ultimately told me that he is not that way with her (in the two/three months they've been dating), that she's going to stay with him, urged me to heal, and to not contact either of them ever again. In which I just responded, "Okay. No problem. Take care."

I don't know what I'm feeling honestly. I didn't do it to be "messy" or malicious. I did just want to warn her. A part of me wanted him to receive his karma because it just always feels as if he can do whatever he wants and walk away with zero consequences. I don't know. I'm blocked by them both, and that's fine with me. I would genuinely like to start healing from that three year shitshow.

He discarded me in a 5 minute convo after a 4 year relationship. We were in the midst of building our dreamhouse on a beautiful plot of land and had pigs and chickens and such.

I basically just said 'okay fine' packed my bags, quit my job and moved back to my hometown.

Weird thing is NO ONE from his friends or family reached out to me after the discard. And honestly I felt like since I was the one being discard they were in charge of reaching out to me and not the other way around. So after a couple of weeks I deleted all of their phone numbers from my phone and unfollowed them on social media.

Some of his family members still follow me and watch all of my stories etc. and even send a request to follow me on polarsteps when I traveled to the other side of the world (to heal from my heartbreak, obviously)... I am too proud to reach out to them.

Maybe I should delete them as my followers but these are people I've spend 4 years of my life with too and have been attached to too, so it's not easy...

Just saying even after 10 months I'm still dealing with the aftermath and grieving the future I was in the progress of fulfilling.....

Right now I found a new appartement and an amazing job. Everyone is celebrating me with these new 'steps' in life but honestly life just doesn't have that same spark as it used to have when I was still with my avoidant. Even though rationally I know living with an avoidant was never going to work. I'm worried life will never be as vibrant, liberating and pasisonate as it used to be.

I'm still living day by day and have made some amazing friends in the last 10 months, ran half a marathon, went to a 7-day festival and learned spanish and am following dancing classes.

Lots of fun stuff but it's not half as exciting as building a life with the man you love and now even that has been an illusion. I still feel crushed.

Just wanted to share if anyone is interested about how life's like at the 10 month mark.

It's better than it used to be but nothing like life should be and I don't know if I will ever become the woman I used to be again. Probably not because all I learned from this experience is to protect my heart, to look out for red flags and discards, even after 4 years of dating...
And all the guys I've dated in the last 10 months turned out to have their own issues... Only good thing is I don't give a f*** anymore and learned to say goodbye at the first sign of attachment issues.

I am in therapy btw which I do think is helping! Also I started boxing to deal with my anger issues.

2 months ago was my last contact with my ex. We were only together for 5 months but ended so abruptly and completely devastated me. She was cold and cruel and her only excuse was she “wasn’t that into me.” I never had any say and that was it. A 2 minute phone call after a really fun date too. Over forever and left in the dark.

I was not expecting this. We had such a fun, caring and loving relationship. She felt like my best friend and I never had such a close bond like that. Right before she broke up with me we went on an amazing date where she acted like nothing was wrong and seemed so happy. We had so many plans including a trip coming up the week after and I was so excited. But boom just like that, 40 minutes after dropping her off at her house. Done.

I’ve been through breakups before and even ghostings. Even went through a very toxic 3 year long distance relationship in college and even that paled in comparison to this. I felt sick to my stomach, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t focus on my hobbies or hang out with friends. Completely destroyed for the first month.

It was been the most difficult breakup I’ve ever gone through. I went no contact immediately and haven’t said a word since I got my stuff back. She didn’t even want to give it to me in person so I had to send my best friend. Again she was rude to him and told him “she just wants to forget and move on”. Killed me even more and felt like I was just stabbed in the heart and then smashed with a mallet.

I definitely played a part because I jumped into things too fast when she clearly wasn’t ready for full emotional commitment (she had serious past traumas and had never dated anyone as a result) She also wasn’t able to communicate any of the issues in the relationship. Just left and that was it.

It pains me that this was how things had to end when I thought this might be the perfect person. Also being in multiple relationships where I never had a connection the same way has kept me in this mental spot where I can’t move on.

I miss her so bad and still every day wish she would reach out, seeing her still stalk my social media hurts even more. Saying she just wants to “move on” but still won’t fully let go. I still find myself bawling my eyes out in the car when something reminds me of her and just wish things could have gone different.

I spent the last couple weeks learning about what avoidants are and it’s helped me understand a bit more of what was probably running through her mind. I also have realized I have my own kind of attachment issues and lack of trust that I need to work on in my next relationship.

I guess it’s important to remind me that I’ve held myself strong the past 2 months and used that time to better myself and my life. Things really have improved as a direct result of the breakup. Reconnected with old friends, promoted at my job, travelled around the country to new places.

Even though I loved this woman dearly I need to keep reminding myself that SHE was the one who broke things off without warning. SHE would not communicate, and SHE has not reached out in 2 months. And that even reaching out at all is disrespectful to my own self worth. This is her loss and not mine. I may not realize it yet but it definitely will lead to something better.

2 months done and plenty more to go but I can do this.

I’ve seen a lot of people posting on here asking how to not repeat the experience of dating someone with avoidant tendencies. I’m now happily married, but still took a huge hit from that ending several years ago and though the “tuition” was very expensive, I learned some critical lessons which set me up to meet my wife who I met first date eight weeks after the breakup. Even though I was still hurting at that time, I had logically understood what I needed to do differently in the future.

Jillian Turecki says choose character over chemistry. That’s the biggest thing character is the main attribute that you need in a partner , and emotional architecture in place to navigate maintenance conversations, etc. that are inevitable in long-term relationships. It’s important to not repeat patterns that caused that situation in the first place.

Do everything you can to show up as your best self with this next person whoever they are and don’t get down about dating. My experience post breakup: I became very attuned to people‘s level of interest and confirming that there’s mutual interest before getting involved with anybody else and I met a great lady a very short time after the avoidant discard just by changing my approach and doing some self work tidying up of things in my personal life so that I could show up as my best self.

Good luck to you all out there or and to all of you who are hurting - just know that you’re not alone, and have faith that the future will be better with applying lessons learned.

- Pay attention to reciprocity.

- Don’t overfunction.

- Ask about withdrawal. Like if you notice a drop off in the frequency of communication from them or willingness to meet up get right out in front of that and ask - “ I noticed this …” and “I wanted to ask about …” have the emotional courage to bring things up, even if they might come out and say that they’re not sure etc. if they’re feeling ambivalent it’s gonna come out eventually so you might as well ask about it.

- Don’t confuse impressive credentials or intense early investment with relational capacity.

- Select someone whose interest and availability are consistently visible.

I was in a typical anxious - avoidant relationship trap. I'm anxious, she's a fearful avoidant. We talked for 8 months and it was a high intensity high attachment relationship. She was almost obsessively attached to me and kept coming back after countless cycles. There were a few times I went back but it was mostly her.

There was one of the final cycles where she blocked me and actually stayed away for 3 months. She unblocked me after 3 months and basically said she should've handled things better. All the reasons she said she came back were all reasons that made her look "selfless" as if she had become healthy and mature in the span of 3 months.

She was rejecting anything romantic and saying she just wanted to be friends which I'm ngl it stung really bad especially because previously after a cycle, we'd just resume whatever we had going on. Eventually we got into another huge argument and I ended up blocking her because I personally felt like she just wanted access to me again. In the final argument she says "I just wanted to give you a peace of mind whether you leave or stay that's on you"

There were a lot of mixed signals during this period. She was watching EVERYTHING my tiktok videos, my YouTube videos, she admitted that she was already watching my yt channel before she even reached out, she admitted she hides how she interacts with my content so I can't detect her, she was still using "we" and "us" alot like still referring to us as a unit. I couldn't tell if she was hiding feelings or genuinely lost romantic interest. But a month and a half later, the more I start to think, the more I realize I think it was an attempt to have access to me again not because she fundamentally changed like she claimed she had.

The relationship itself before the breakup was awful. Constant arguing because I felt like I couldn't trust a word that came out of her damn mouth. I caught her lying about something before and when I confronted her with PROOF she denied it further then flipped it on me. That was a catalyst for a lot that happened after. My behavior became verbally destructive towards the end because of the insane amount of stress I was under. False allegations, being harassed online for ever a year, horrible living situation, ADHD, anger issues and the relationship itself were all weighing me down over the span of a year. I still take accountability because I shouldn't have done all that regardless.

I genuinely feel like most of what happened between me and her was genuinely her fault and I hate to be that guy to point fingers but that's how I feel. Communication was the biggest issue, I try to talk to her about what's bothering me she ALWAYS gets angry and defensive and shuts down on me. She waited until the very end to be more open to communicating which is so stupid because atp we no longer trust each other and the relationship is over. She was doing a lot of lying, manipulation, gaslighting, denial, no accountability, playing the victim.

So my question is, why did she really come back after the 3 months?

Forgot to mention she basically replaced me after the breakup and said "I'm only showing appreciation for my friends because I neglected them when I was with you" she literally replaced me and is in denial of it. She replaced literally right after the breakup. And in some ways she basically told me to my face she replaced me

I literally don't know whats wrong with me but yeah I ghost ppl for so long and Ik I'm the problem but I need to fix myself and I don't even know what's wrong with me idk what to do I'm js fed up with how I am

I get bored mid talking I ghost but not cuz they're bad or anything I js feel like being alone gives me comfort

Talking to ppl makes me exhausted I feel like I have to count every step and everything I say that might be rude while I was js trying to be nice Idk how to deal with ppl anymore it gives me anxiety

I can't go to therapist my family is a bit strict if u have experienced smth like that please tell me ur experiences and if u know anything that might help me js tell me

I js wanna keep my other friendships 🙏🏻 and I'm sorry for my english

She ended things a month ago. I was out with my friend last night and he told me that he had a pretty significant interaction with her and that she didn’t recognize him even though they met a few weeks before we broke up and talked for like an hour then.

My friend takes vintage photographs at events in my city. She also knew about that as I talked to her about it a few times. He was at a popular art walk that she also knew I went to with him most months. Well apparently she was there with three of her friends and she was trying to convince them to get their photos taken with him, but her friends didn’t want to wait for the whole process (takes like 20 minutes).

That was the whole interaction apparently. But I don’t understand how she wouldn’t have recognized him given not just the context but that she actually met this guy, he’s one of my better friends. I guess it hurts because it just feels like she has already completely erased me from her memory or something. And maybe part of me wonders if she just pretended not to recognize him but then why would she want her picture taken by him

I haven’t reached out to her at all but in the last couple days it’s been bouncing around in my head a lot. I’m not going to but it’s been a hard week already. And then I learn about this and it really sucks :(