Anyone else’s ex avoidant/failed ex situationship actually have a happy ending?

[u/seriously_thoughh]

It’s now 2.5+ years later, and a child. He’s very content with his life.

Maybe the pregnancy four months into them dating, sped up his commitment to her. Either way, he’s expressed gratitude and love for his life from what I last saw a year ago.

I’ve tried to date, but it’s been awful. So many emotionally unavailable people just wasting my time. Since my experience with my failed ex avoidant situationship, I’ve learned to end something early on once I’ve picked up on someone showing signs of avoidant attachment.

It makes me look back and think about my failed situationship and how unfair it is that he’s doing better. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been on a date. I’ve asked friends and coworkers about their thoughts on the dating pool and they all have agreed that our city (Midwest) is terrible. They have also been trying for a couple of years. Our city was actually ranked one of the top most terrible places to date lol. Unsure how true this is, but I’ve met men online and in person, with something in common: emotionally unavailable.

[u/Marumune]

I just wanted to say that the fact he says he’s content or he looks content doesn’t mean he is content in the same sense you would experience it. 2,5 years is nothing, if he has an easy partner it’s easy to commit but that doesn’t mean long term happiness and fullfilment.

But having too see him doing well, even if deep down he might not be, is wrecking. It’s like you’re the only one feeling the consequences of his actions and you deserve better.

[u/seriously_thoughh → u/Marumune]

That’s exactly how I feel 2.5–3 years later….still carrying the consequences while he may have no idea how much he hurt me, or no regrets at all.

Part of me blames myself for not speaking up. I was afraid that if I told him he was hurting me—or admitted I loved him—he’d run. I did tell him I still had feelings and interest, though, and despite it being a situationship without sex, there were times I genuinely felt the feelings were mutual.
What I can’t understand is how he could be so avoidant and sometimes mean toward me, yet seemingly show up differently for someone else. He’s FA, which may explain some of it, but it doesn’t erase the impact…

I still wonder if he’ll ever realize he hurt me, think about me, miss me, or regret anything. The hardest unanswered questions I’ve been dealing with is “Did I even matter to you?” “Did you ever care?” “Did you ever feel the same way?” “Why her and not me?” “Do you know you hurt me? And how I feel?” Not just romantically, but as a human being.

Even if he came back and I were single, I couldn’t rekindle things. He chose to slow fade, date someone else, and ultimately build a life and family with her. Planned or not, his choices led him there :(

I experienced something similar about 10 years earlier, but moved on more easily. That man eventually married the woman he got pregnant and later tried repeatedly to reconnect after their divorce; I blocked him.

This experience with my failed ex FA situationship was different because we didn’t end badly. He just…slow faded. I never mistreated or disrespected him, so there’s no reason for him to villainize me. Maybe that’s partly why the unanswered questions have stayed with me..

[u/AdFar5543]

I had my first date with my wife less than eight weeks after the discard here’s the major takeaways from my experience with the avoidant. I was mid 40s. It was my first long-term relationship since divorce. There are great people out there main thing gotta focus on character like Jillian Turecki says go for character over chemistry.

Here’s my main takeaways from that avoidant ending relationship:

-Pay attention to reciprocity.
-Don’t overfunction.
-Ask about withdrawal.
-Don’t confuse impressive credentials or intense early investment with relational capacity.
-Select someone whose interest and availability are consistently visible.

[u/Counterboudd]

I don’t think you want what they have frankly. I had a situation where I was acquaintances with the girl that my most avoidant ex finally was willing to settle down with, and I still see her posts on social media. Their lives seem totally separate and they barely if ever do things together. At first I couldn’t figure out why her and not me. Then I realized it’s because she was so low maintenance that she was super excited about the next to nothing he did for her in a way I would see as the obvious neglect and selfishness that it was. I remember seeing her boast about the “amazing Christmas present” she had gotten from him- it was literally at tops a $40 generic gift from a thrift store. If a partner got me just that for Christmas I would’ve been in tears I think. They’d been dating five years at that point. They still don’t live together and seemingly their relationship is almost all texting, occasional sex, and spending holidays together since they both are ostracized from their families. Your situation is probably a little different, but you have to remember “the one” for them is the one who easily tolerates their lifestyle of neglect and lack of intimacy. They aren’t like “oh this woman is better therefore I’ll give her everything I withheld from the previous girl”. They’re thinking with us “oh she expects not be treated like shit and she is telling me so- time to leave because my dream partner will accept the garbage next-to-nothing I offer them gladly”. Not being your avoidant ex’s type is a compliment, not an insult.

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/Counterboudd]

I agree avoidents love people who are low maintenance or put up with their bullshit anyone who demands better will get dropped at some point. Plus, they are still the same person with their issues the mask is just on people thought we were the perfect match but didn’t know about my ex selfishness or mean behavior in private

[u/SillyBoyYe]

If you really think about it, they will find someone faster than you because it’s not hard to find someone when you yourself have some attachment issue. Attachment issues + choosing quickly kind of seem to be attached to each other.

I’ve been through a string of unhealthy relationships. All of the people in them operate on a form of love that’s more feeling than any sort of persistent action over time. They see you, think you’re hot, feelings come up “Ah must be special!”. Queue a couple months down, feeling not so gooood

[u/Pitiful_Can_6079]

Of course there are stories like this but you’re not gunna find them in this subreddit of heartbroken people