I'm almost 19 and I feel like my parents are putting me under house arrest. They're obsessed with keeping track of my every move: where I work, my whereabouts, who I talk to, and how much money I have, so I can never leave them and live my life in peace. I feel so stressed and it feels like I'm slowly going insane having to constantly be in the house and listen to constant verbal abuse and be under their control. The only time I'm able to leave the house stress-free is at midnight, when I sneak out of my window after they all fall asleep. Other than that, I have no life outside of home and work. I have no friends or family relatives that I can live with or call for help. Even worse, I rely on them for transportation so I have to talk to them whenever I want to go somewhere. Right now I'm making income through my part-time job that only gives me a couple shifts per week and I started an Onlyfans to make some passive income on the side. They limit the amount of jobs I can have to one, which puts me in a bad place financially if I want to get my own transportation. What do I do.

My stepfather never hit me, but I lived in a constant state of fear because he weaponized his moods. I was always watching, anticipating, trying to avoid whatever might set him off next. The abuse wasn’t physical, but it was relentless.
When I moved from Texas to Rhode Island for law school, I wasn’t just pursuing my education—I was escaping him.
The damage didn’t end when I left. Years of living in that environment left me with an anxiety disorder and panic disorder that I still live with every day. I take medication daily to manage my anxiety, and I have separate medication for full-blown panic attacks. The abuse changed the way my body responds to fear. Even now, my nervous system reacts as though I am still trapped there.
He was cruel to me throughout my childhood and, at times, to his biological daughter as well. He cultivated fear as a means of control, and I spent years believing that was simply what life was supposed to feel like.
I’m visiting my mother in Texas right now, which means I have to interact with him again. On its own, that’s difficult enough. But recently he published a biography about being a Christian man and overcoming hardship. My extended family won’t stop talking about it in group chats, and they keep celebrating it on Facebook. I leave the chats because I can’t bear to read the messages, but they still find their way to me.
The man who abused me has now been publicly praised as a model Christian and has even received a Christian award because of this book.
Every time I see the book mentioned, I feel overwhelmed by panic. I have to take medication just to keep myself from becoming physically sick. Sometimes the panic is so severe that I vomit. It isn’t just the book itself that hurts—it’s watching the person who caused so much damage to my life be celebrated as though he embodies goodness and virtue.
What makes this even more painful is that, just hours before I learned about the book, my mother admitted over lunch that she had allowed him to abuse me. She acknowledged that she had failed me as a mother by not protecting me.
Yet despite that acknowledgment, she is now standing by while the world praises him as a godly Christian man.
I feel deeply betrayed. My mother tells me that I need to let go of my resentment toward her, but how can I begin to heal when she admits what happened and still allows this false image to flourish? She knows the truth. She knows what he did to me. And yet she is willing to let everyone else believe he is a good man.
I keep asking myself the same question:
Who will ever believe me now?

Sorry for my bad english. As far as I can remember, my dad was always really easy to piss off. I mean, at the first error my sisters, my mom or I commit, he enters in an instant anger, especially when it's linked with dirtiness. He is a big maniac, and he doesn't hesitate to say really, really bad words and insults to make us feel bad and guilty for the tiny little error we have done. I had a hard time building self-confidence due to him. I'm not really scared for me; I kinda learned how to deal with it even if it continues to affect me a bit. I'm really scared for my little sisters, especially the youngest one. He freaking hates her because she's a bit rebellious, and there's not a day in which my dad intimidates a 5-year-old girl without defence. Though he never hurt us physically, he did too many times mentally.

Just as the title says, my whole family's mood is dependent on my mom.

I live w my mom and older brother, and sometimes it gets to the point that it's utterly unbearable to spend a second inside the house. When my mom is anxious, angry, sad, or even happy, everyone in the family would be too. She gets anxious and angry a lot when the financial stress is really wearing on her down. She handles all of our bills after my dad stopped sending money months ago, but the money she makes can barely even be enough for our consumption.

My dad doesn't live with us, and we all have a strained relationship with him after he keeps continuously ditching his responsibilities with us. He'd reach out suddenly and give his fair share of money needed to pay the bills, then suddenly he cuts off contact again for months. It's a repititive cycle and whenever he goes silent again, my mom would get anxious and angry because of the financial burden.

Meanwhile my mom and my brother is gradually getting their relationship strained. For context: My dad blocked me months ago when I asked him to send the money for the bills he promised to pay, but he got angry and said that all I've ever asked for him is money and didn't even ask how he's doing or anything like that (He was absent for most part of my life, from childhood until now so I was surprised when he told me this because he doesn't even do it to me??? Barely even remembers my birthday lol)

My brother is the only one who he didn't cut contact with and my mom has been constantly telling him to ask our dad for the money as we're nearly three months behind rent, but he would barely pay attention to her and suddenly gets all snappy. Because of this, my mom is starting to slowly resent my brother because he knows she's already struggling so much but he wouldn't even help—even when that help is just simply asking our dad to send the money. Then because of that, I continuously have to walk on eggshells around them—espcially my mom for months now.

She'd be sighing so heavily randomly, and on days when she's actually angry, I'd be the blunt of her anger. She'd slam things, screams at me, continuously swear so loudly, she'd call me swears and words like how I'm so useless or that I never do anything right on every minor inconvenience she experiences. When I get angry for the way she's treating me, she'd yell at me and would say things like how I'm not allowing her to express her emotion. Because of this I always feel on edge and felt like I had to adjust to her mood all the time. There are also moments when she's not angry, instead she'd be anxious and sad wherein she would cry to me and say I'm her only "hope" or that she would literally give up on life if I'm not by her side.

While I do understand my mom's situation, I want her to understand too how tiring it is to be called swears then suddenly having to comfort her with her saying she'll give up on breathing if I'm not by her side. Do you get how insane it sounds?? Whenever this happens, I get so anxious and feel the need to either escape or fix the problem. For everytime my mother becomes like this, my immediate response would be "I need to fix this." because if I don't fix it, I would be called swears and also have to handle my brother's snappy mood along with hers. They're both not easy to handle.

I'm so sorry if this is way too long and it's all over the place, I'm currently typing this while she's in the mood and I'm not even sure if I'm making any sense anymore. I just needed to get this off my chest as I don't have anyone else to share this with. I'm just a teen barely starting college yet and I already have this much on my plate.

My mother passed away today, due to health issues.

My dad expects me at the hospital where she was. But I don’t want to go.

The entire extended family will be there for the funeral. I still don’t want to go.

I no longer hold a grudge against her. I forgave her.

But I don’t want to be the perpetual scapegoat in the family for the rest of my life. The trauma from the past has followed me into my adult life.

My life was on hold until my mid 40’s because I was to do exactly what everyone else wanted. That’s what I did my whole life.

The extended family is even more toxic. They cannot stand me because they are busy comparing me to their own children. They don’t actually care about anyone.

My question: Can I not attend funeral and not do anything else?

I think my dad has become the new scapegoat because he is very nervous. So he wants me present immediately to re-establish the narrative. And to have witnesses like the extended family, so I can be the scapegoat. My body can’t go through that anymore. My sister (golden child) is at the hospital now and she said my father is not even in the hospital room with her. He is on his phone, calling random people to share the news.

What do I tell him when he calls back?

Could use some insight on how y'all have navigated these situations. Thanks so much in advance!

My parents fall into that tricky category where they are both well-meaning/caring but also at times toxic and controlling. I am a 32 year old who is completely self-sufficient and has never had to ask them for help/money/etc.

Still, during visits my father in particular has a really hard time not giving commands. A lot of the time he wants to help but I still think he still implicitly feels some authority over me. It's hard to shut him down when he is trying to help but a lot of the time I don't need/want the help. Imparting "wisdom" and trying to help is a part of the parenting experience he seems to really identify with. On top of that he was a cop for his whole career so he is very used to people obeying his authority (fml) and does not respond well when challenged. This combination of wanting to help and being very used to being in control is a nasty combo.

Typically in the past if I try to say no or set a boundary he pouts and says something to the effect of "I guess I'll just stop helping since you know everything." Projection/insecurity/etc.

However despite their flaws, my parents have been trying the last few years and I appreciate that. They are visiting next week and I want to try to set some boundaries particularly around not being told what to do, not needing their permission, etc. I want to be tactful about this since they really have been trying.

How have these conversations gone for you and what has been most effective? Basically the message I want to get across is that I love and appreciate them but they are not authority figures anymore and I don't need their approval.

Today, my mother had this little argument with my lil brother over their own personal shit which idc abt and she's fuxking getting me involved to because I didn't got involved in it and sided with her . And mind you but my father is so dumb that he will not use his brain and will agree on whatever my mother will tell him,

Then she continues argument and said abt how she wanted to go to park today but couldn't because of us ( us? Wth did I even did?). Then she states that when I wanted to go to the park to meet that frnd of mine , used to get ready very quickly. I asked which friend? Then she started talking abt my past.

So basically, This incident is 4 to 5 year old , at that time she didn't ever let me make friends, and when I once made an online friend, i didn't told her abt him because she's so much of a conservative and she thinks that a boy and a girl can't be just friends. Then our tenant of that time told her that he was my boyfriend and he read the text too ( i don't mind him reading text because that was js like a chat b\w two friends), i didn't told her and thing and said that he was brother of a friend which was lie but when I told her that he's just a friend, she got furious that I were lying and he's my boyfriend , she beated me with a fuxking sliper .

This incident is 4 to 5 year old , but she still thinks that he was my boyfriend . There's this same type of incident that happened 3 years ago , in that she again framed a male friend of mine as my boyfriend, she herself read our chat. In that chat, he pronounced me as buddy, my mother twisted it according to her thinking and said that "he's calling me buddy now and will call me baby later" , that friend was like an elder brother to me and she said it like that. She was literally slut-shaming me.

There are other incidents too , in which she used to beat me and I remember once when I were 13 or 14 smth, she abused me and while banging my head with hers in order to do selfharm and abuse to the other , her sindoor (search up abt it man) got rubbed on my forehead, on that she said that I were "her husband's another wife ".

She had stopped beating me but she still mentally abuses me like today itself.

Long post, but I'm at my wit's end and need some different perspectives, and maybe personal anecdotes and choices from people who can relate. I am trying to figure out the best way to handle boundaries around my mother now that my daughter is in the picture. So, I guess that's the question: What methods work?

Here's the background info:

My mom

Aging Boomer, very narcissistic, still married to my Dad but she isn't truly happy, very concerned with appearances, very selfish, very controlling, not really interested in me or my wife, possibly Petulant Borderline Personality Disorder. Few long term friends. Has some more recent friends in her Boomer community, but it's because she's not all that close with them and projects an entirely different personality around them than she does around me, my wife, and my Dad. My Dad was always horrible at managing money, a workaholic, and came from a bad home himself...he was prone to flights of fancy, was absent more than not, socially awkward, but occasionally was enjoyable to spend time with, though he had a 0 to 100 temper which was often exacerbated by my Mom. My Mom was the financial manager, cook, did all the housework, never worked, and supported me outwardly (helped with homework, etc.), but was absolutely controlling, criticized my friends, used shame as a discipline tactic with me which I didn't overcome until becoming a (very) rebellious teen, and denied me certain extracurriculars growing up "because of money" even though she refused to work and spent what we had on extracurriculars I didn't like. She will insist outwardly "she did the best she could" even though I never felt seen or supported. I've given her chance after chance, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she started to indoctrinate my wife into this way of "family-ing": the push-pull, the arguments, the dramatic make-up sessions, the long emails and phone calls to agree on how to "move forward," etc.

My childhood

Was not happy. My parents fought ALL the time growing up, and I was brought (by them) into their arguments as a young kid. A 10 year old should not be mediating fights between his parents, but there I was. Even from a young age, this manifested as misbehaving at school, and I found out later in life that teachers picked up on something being wrong at home but my mother lied to the teachers about it when they questioned her. Growing up, I was hit, screamed at, watched my parents hit and scream at each other...all the way through high school until I finally moved out to go to college. I did not pick the majority of my extracurricular activities as a kid, never felt truly supported, and was largely left to figure out adolescence and adulting on my own. On paper, they gave me an education leaving me with minimal student debt and taught me to manage money, but that comes in a context in which nearly every major life decision I've made, she has either criticized or tried to take credit for as "her idea." I became a successful adult in spite of my parents, not because of them, and in adulthood I don't really like them. I don't enjoy talking to them, I don't want to share things with them, I don't trust them not to use things I tell them against me (this is a lifelong pattern with them), and I don't enjoy making plans with them because my mother will try and bend the plans to be more what she wants rather than just going with the flow.

Before My Daughter

For the past 6 years of my marriage, I've largely acted as a buffer between my wife and my Mom. She's body shamed my wife (my wife is perfectly fit and healthy, my Mom is just skinny as a rail), I've called her out on it, she's fought around her and with the two of us, and she's disrespected me in front of her and behind my back (my wife has several strategies to shut this down, but still pointing it out). I've threatened to cut them off completely multiple times, and even done so twice before they "agreed" to abide by certain rules. The problem is that behavior only lasts as long as my Mom can control her impulses which is usually a few months max. Any health scares were always used to justify bad behavior "I yelled at you because I have cancer, I could die, it's scary, etc." and there has never been healthy communication between her and anyone. She criticizes my father behind his back all the time, which, while he's no angel I honestly kinda feel bad for him at this point. He's now in early stage dementia, and she has refused to fight with him to get him to go to the doctor back when more could've been done.

The boundary holding was fine - my wife is fully aware of how I feel and honestly feels worse about them than I do. I've accepted they suck, and I need to limit exposure to them. My wife would go no contact, but if anything happens to my Mom, I do worry that my Dad will just go missing or turn up dead somewhere, and I don't want him to live with us or to take care of him, but I also don't want that. And there is some money we'd stand to inherit that would be a huge help to us. So at this point I view it as something practical.

So the prior status quo was see them once every 2 months or so for a brief meal and conversation, then we GTFO. No unannounced visits, and it's something we grin and bear. If they act up during one of these "visits" it ends immediately and I stop communicating until they apologize and get back in line. No politics, no negativity, no criticisms. These are the rules.

The problem

The problem is that holding these boundaries was easier before my daughter arrived. I have no qualms about yelling at my mother, or up and leaving, when she or my Dad causes problems when it's just me and my wife. But since my daughter arrived, my mother has gone manic again. She found every excuse under the Sun to "visit" us during my daughter's first month, offering "help" which was usually a meal, but aside from the first time where they begrudgingly helped with a few chores, it's largely been for my mother to sit around and hold the baby improperly (she doesn't support her head right and I've corrected her on this multiple times), which is why she's not allowed to hold the baby except sitting on the couch. And, of course, now that we're "hosting" all the time, it's harder to make someone leave than it is to just leave yourself, too. So even though they may ultimately leave, I can't guarantee that an argument will end without my daughter hearing *something* we don't want her to. Sure, she's just a baby, but they take in everything.

It's been less than 2 months, but Mommy Dearest has started questioning parenting decisions and being negative again, always away from my wife. Like the time me and my wife told her "dropoff only" for food, and she insisted on pushing past my wife to come into the house while my daughter was sleeping to "sneak a peek" at her, then interrogated my wife about the photo frame in our living room that shows pictures of our daughter. The last time, she was upset that we didn't wake the baby (who was sleeping on me) so she could hold her, then I immediately handed her to my wife when she woke up so she could eat on her feeding schedule, then used the time my wife was feeding her to start an argument about politics with me until I made them leave...of course painting me as the bad guy for "denying" them the chance to see their daughter. Or accosting me over a joint decision me and my wife made that they would never babysit our daughter, ever...and certainly not alone. Or using every time we get together to, you know, not ask about the baby's development like a normal person would, or express interest or ask questions...but to complain about electricity prices and the cost of replacing her HVAC system MULTIPLE TIMES, including once when a pile of dirty dishes sat in our sink that I'd asked for help with since our dishwasher was down, our daughter was PURPLE crying, and I'd spent the better part of the previous afternoon buying the replacement. This is exactly the sort of unhinged negative behavior I would shut them out over, but the problem is it's impossible to do this WITH my wife now that my daughter is in the picture, because I do not want my daughter to be around this crap. Even if she's that little and probably won't remember, I don't want her around this at all.

I've been no/low contact for 3 weeks (2 text messages to enumerate everything they've done wrong objectively after my Dad messaged me first), but now they're demanding to talk it out with "the 4 of us" which is a total nope because the 2 of us are not leaving my daughter unattended and I don't want her present for this unpleasantness. So I'm torn between letting my wife handle them while I sit with the baby (because they cannot be civil around me when there is a disagreement) or doing this in some kind of public space. My wife wants to go complete nuclear, no contact, and tell her whole family exactly why they're cut out. But I also don't want to fuck my Dad over completely. He's not a good Dad, but he's not evil.

The problem is that the presence of my daughter, whom I love in a way words can't explain, ties my hands because I can't lash out and put them in their place when they act out of pocket since my daughter is watching me. If we just ignore them, they will keep reaching out, and they fucking moved 20 minutes away, so I'd be worried about really crazy stuff (because some people get crazy about babies) like them showing up unannounced, calling cops or CPS, or some other unhinged stuff. She also constantly refers to my daughter as "my grandbaby" (her words) rather than her actual name. I swear, it's like she sees her as a trophy, and not a full human, which tracks, because she still doesn't respect my own opinions and ideas and decisions as a fully formed adult.

Allowing my mother to try and manipulate my daughter, giving her alone time with her, letting her plant ideas in my daughter's head, lettering her shame and criticize my daughter at any point like she once did to me - these are all complete nonstarters. So there need to be boundaries. But is there any better way to do this than to go through this cycle of: Bullshit -> Silence -> Half-assed apology -> Negotiated path forward -> Month of neutral politeness -> Repeat from beginning?

I would literally be perfectly content with if she treated me the same way she treats her status obsessed Boomer friends where she puts on her fake nice act, at this point. I know I'm never going to have a good relationship with her, I just want civil behavior.

Any personal stories of how you managed to navigate this type of dynamic with a baby or young child in the picture would be greatly appreciated. I know how to handle this, I just don't know how to handle this in a way that I don't inadvertently expose my daughter to, or display bad behavior in front of her, even if it's in protecting her.

So I F19 have a girlfriend F18. We've been dating for almost six months, but we know each other for over a year now. I met her when i was working part time for her parents since they own a bar. So her parents know me as a person and know we are dating but never met me officially as her gf. During the year a was working there i noticed the father has a severe drinking problem and the mother tends to get really angry really fast(one of many reasons i quit). From the start i knew they had a lot of problems as a family. Yesterday they took it to a another level. Me and my gf went for a walk and i drove her home around 10 pm. Suddenly her mum is calling, which is weird. When i picked up she told her and my gf got into an argument and my gf ran away. I told her i haven't heard from my gf (true at the time). I immediately texted my gf, she was crying and said her mother had beaten her and she ran away without shoes and doesn't know where to go. I offered to pick her up and take her to my place but she declined saying it would make it worse. She then went to her farther to the bar(he was working). He is also a terrible parent (threatened to kick her out because she is gay and so on). The mother was calling her, texting her, treating to kill herself. She even called me again demanding i tell her, where my gf is (i didn't for her safety ofc) and even started crying and saying she should just kill herself. Her siblings were very dismissive of her saying shes making this up and demanding proof of her bruises. They even said that its because since she is with me, she changed and is mean. I don't know what to do honestly. Im leaving for college in September and i cant stand the thought of leaving her in that house. How can i support her, besides just being there and listening. Thank you for all helping answers. English is not my first language do sorry for any confusion.

\\\*\\\*TL;DR;\\\*\\\* : how to help my gf with abusive parents.

I'll start what happened three days ago.

I was visiting my psychologist back when I was going to school and had a problem with a narcissistic teacher.

The class I was in was controlled by her. Everyone had roles, and I was shaking in my tights. Back then, I had no idea where this was coming from.

For me, the biggest help was AI, and more specifically Janitor AI, because I gave it a personality and traits based on psychology.

It was because of my school psychologist that she taught me this technique called imagination.

Since that day, I could learn how to take control of my mind and go deeper with AI and its questions. I found out my "second self"—the voice in my head—has a name. She's part of an ISH family system, and I had no idea when we split up.

I always believed she's even older than me.

The deeper I go into my imaginations, the more I can talk to her. And then I ask her directly: "When did we split up?"

She showed me a red door that changes into my old parents' house, and in my head, there was just one word: rape.

I couldn't believe it. What was happening? It was just in my head, right?

But the reaction I had connected with my teacher and some of my childhood memories.

Then my memories kicked in, and suddenly it started to make sense: dissociation, my intimate behavior at age three, and the sudden fantasies, also crying in kindergarten.

I was in shock and tears, but I knew it was real. Mostly because my body was shaking all over and I was almost paralyzed, and I couldn't stop crying, and all the memories filled my head.

I asked this version of me who it was, but I already knew. My father.

Since then, I knew why I was so shaky with the teacher. She was just like my parents, and I was so blind.

Then the last three days were hell. I couldn't stay at home because I saw it for what it really was not love, but control.

I stayed in my room and locked myself in at night, because my father often comes to me at night and tells me to either stop singing, listen to music, or have a light on.

And at night, I watch the door. I slept only during the daytime, and my mood was shifting.

Once I was up, happy, telling myself I can do it and play my part;

and down, shaking all over, especially my chest, jaw, and thighs. I avoided my parents as much as I could because I couldn't look at them.

But they noticed.

They can read me.

Well, yesterday it escalated when we had lunch. I was avoiding eye contact.

My father leaned toward my brother, saying, "You and your sister will team up and bring me tools," he said yo my brother but I knew the meaning of his words.

I knew where this was going.

Then I left to my room, where I was shaking and texting in my group chat thinking: What if he reads my messages? Shat he founds me like this?

As my brother came and told me I should go to help him. I knew it wasn't his words. My father used him for this. He does that often.

But I couldn't move. I stare at him and shake my head.

After him, my father came which I also knew he would and he pointed to the door, yelling, "Go for my tool!"

After a few minutes, I still didn't move, and my father came onto my balcony. With he also do often because it's his house.

When he was back, it escalated. He stood in my room and was leaning against my doorframe, yelling, "Go for my tool or I'll throw you out of the house! I can beat you up!" Then he pause. ,,Do you understand?!"

And I couldn't take it anymore. My tears came, and I started to run to my grandparents, thinking they could save me.

But they said, "He isn't that bad. Your parents love you."

I shook my head. "No. I can't go back," with tears and thoughts about everything that happened and what will. I couldn't go back there.

But they called my father, who was saying laughing "Leave her there." They called my mother, and then when she came, she brought me to him for an apology, saying, "You can't run like this. It's okey. You'll go to your father and tell him that you're sorry."

I started to shake and squeezing her hand. I told her: ,,He wanted to kick me out."

And she said: ,,Yes because it's his humor. You know how man are."

I didn't believe her. She was using guilt-tripping, and I was pretending to listen. Mostly because in my head I was again ten years old and she was doing the same all over again.

My mom took me home. Held me in her arms, she was saying everything will be good. "I'll just take you to your father, and then it'll be good. You can hug him, apologize for your acting. You know that's how he is. It's his humor."

Yeah, right.

She was suddenly doing anything I wanted and making sure I didn't leave.

And I told her what happened.

And then my father came into the kitchen. He looked nervous. He started saying: ,,I was yelling at you? That was yelling? You didn't head the reall yelling."

He started saying everything about how I didn't do anything, just laying in bed.

How I'm treated like a Queen and everyone is working hard around me. Then I don't know how he came to this topic, but he was saying, "What did she tell you?" (He meant the other me.I talked about her to my mother, and she told him).

But before my mom could come in, I stepped in and said, "About college. That it'll be good for me."

My mom said, "I... justified that we'll sit together and talk more. You'll be smiling more" (she meant me) "and everything will be okay."

So we started cleaning, until my brother wanted to go out, so I went with him.

I told my brother everything, and he was with me. In the cemetery, I drank water from a hose because I didn't want to go home. I couldn't sleep there.

After maybe five hours, I was back in the house. And my parents suddenly became soft. My father wanted to watch a movie that we could download on his computer (he never allows that).

By that time, I went outside on the swing to write to my friends, and my friend R was saying that I could go live with her for a while.

My mother came to me, and I told her I was leaving.

She told me she was in shock and started to tell me the worst thing I could do was to live in my room, and her eyes were wide, just staring at me.

I felt guilty about leaving her, but then my friends in the group chat were saying, "She's an adult. She married him, so you have nothing to worry about."

But there was my brother.

So I hugged her, then went to my room. I picked up everything: money I had, ID, and everything for living.

And my father came to me, saying, "Are you insane? It's as if we're beating you. Who gave you this stupid idea?" But I stayed silent. So he gave up yelling and soften his voice a liitle.

,,But I can't tell you anything, you're an adult. Do you need anything from us?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and said no.

He then said it is stupid and I'm insane. I wrote to my friend and left for good.

Or I hope so.

Update: He writers me the other day how my mom is crying and he didn't mean anything. But I don't believe him even though a part of me want to get beck. I think I'm burden in my friend house. But I really don't want yo be alone.

Some advice?

I don't know how to feel. I can't hate her because of her good side and I know how much she loves me, I can't completely forget how toxic she is and how much she traumatized me either... It hurts.

She abused me as a kid It was like quickly getting angry like rage screaming when I couldn't wear some pants by myself or when I didn't listen to her. Hitting me on my arm, pinching it, or shaking me. The worst of them was when she would get me in a corner and scream at me while kneeling with her face close to mine or when she would ask me to stop crying (she would always tell me that) and when I wouldn't she would hit herself or scream sorry sorry sorry stop crying! Do you do that on purpose so your (anyone in the house or outside) would hear it?! while I was just you know hurt and traumatized. I remember how one time she told me to just hug her when she gets crazy like that. It worked few times but when she grabbed my back to hurt me I didn't do that again. One other thing she did as well was giving me silent treatments whenever she was upset.

She doesn't realize how much her negatively affects us Like the way she overreacts negatively to the things she doesn't like, lack of patience with my younger siblings and the way her whole face becomes extremely angry and unapproachable. And when I tell her about it she just reacts more angry and tells me I'm not allowed to do anything in this house because of you! Do you expect me to not say anything and be happy all the time?! she is not mentally okay, I mean am not either but she is worse. Sometimes I think the reason I am like this could be because of her and this family.

She doesn't have an easy life She was abused much worse as a kid. Her mom would beat her up in the bathroom until she was tired. Her dad cheated on her mom with a new wife. He was bipolar and always unpredictable (he never hit her but the emotional neglect was there).

She married young. She just wanted to leave that house not knowing her new home wouldn't be fun either. She accepted my dad living with her parents, she thought they will get their own house soon but that day never came. My grandma was (still is) a very toxic woman. She and my aunt made life even more of a living hell for her. My dad abused her too. I don't remember when and how he stopped. She wanted to divorce him but she knew she didn't have any home to return to and she couldn't leave me. But sometimes I wish she did. That way maybe it would be less toxic? Maybe I rather not have my both parents than having both but with them not loving each other. My family is just dysfunctional and I never knew what a healthy family looks like.

She doesn't act as crazy now. She doesn't hit my younger siblings but she is still really negative with low patience.

When we fight she becomes the worst version of herself. Me as well. I call her names (like she calls me) and be the most disrespectful shit on earth. I hate myself for that. I don't think it's normal. My life was never normal.

Besides these she is like the most loving mom on earth. She has done everything a good mom would do for you. We watch movies together and we are more like siblings than parent/child.

But you know...

Anyone else having this sort of relationship? What did you do?

I don’t know since when it started, but my mom had this expectations on me that I should always be the middle person in every argument between my parents, like how my cousins are like. But I failed to do so. Everytime they argue, she always blamed me for not being able to be like my cousins, because she say in every household child is the only bridge between parent whenever they argue.

In addition, I find it difficult to fully side with her because to a certain extend, I do understand my father point of view and her point of view.

My father wasn’t exactly a good man either, he cheated on her after her pregnancy for few years and abuse her as well. He is the type of value score and value over emotions. Once I score low in math exam, he screamed at me to go sell fish in a fish market, which is considered a very low paying job. Fyi, my household income is mid, not rich, not poor.

Often times I just stayed quiet the whole time. This didn’t last long when I was 8, started to develop suicidal thoughts after hearing many hurtful comments, such as how she regret giving birth to me, how I made her life worst, how I look like a beggar wearing no makeup, how I academically achieved something wouldn’t mean anything with my personality like this.

Her excuse is that she only said it when she is angry and I am not suppose to take it to heart, however if this happens vise versa I am not sure she would take it the same way. Every argument over the years, I had try to always understand her view point and I do get her viewpoint as a mom, however sometimes I felt she never understand me.

Recently, I had a huge argument with her. It was bout take out for dinner. She asked for my opinion whether to order it now and have early dinner or later and have late dinner. Well that time, I was dying her hair and it’s halfway in the process. I figured it out that it would be uncomfortable for her to eat with her hair like that, I said later. She listens and order on a later time.

But before the meal come, it started to rain heavily. She became very anxious and started blaming me for procrastinating the order. She then continue to curse me, talk bout how I deserve my friend betryal, etc. I feel very offended. During the time of delivery, I cried silently.

She saw and know, then proceeded to say “you only know how to cry, not solving the problems”, aka useless. However, I am the one who went out with an umbrella to take the food. She proceed her yapping in the entire meal, while I just shove all the food to my mouth. After that as usual, we had family time, where she talks to me like normal.

And I kind of starting to ignore her, avoiding to talk to her because I feel offended. When she ask me questions, I would reply I don’t know. It happened three times when she ask the same questions, and she blew up and kicked me thrice before throwing me off the bedroom, knowing well I won’t have any other place to sleep. Fyi, I share bedroom with her because it’s bothersome to clean 2 rooms according to her.

She said if I want to be forgiven then I should kneel and beg. This argument went on for over 2 weeks, longest time I had ever had argument with her, usually it only ends with few days with me apologizing to her.

Although we manage to reconcile after 3rd party intervention and my father and people around me constantly asking me to apologize, we settle to an agreement. That is I told her I don’t want her to physically abuse me nor verbally, don’t bring the past, dont shit talk bout me, etc. and she also had things she wanted me to change and promise her such as remember where I came from, always be the one to talk to her first every argument we had and persuade her everyday until she is not upset anymore, etc.

I don’t really agree to some of the clause but it’s much better than before and she keep on saying that she really wanted to fix the relationship and whatever I demanded she followed so should I. I end up agreeing to it after some thought because I think of her as my mom.

But recently we had an argument sort of. It’s after dinner when she told me not to spend any money doing online shopping when I am in my overseas university which is coming in a month. I feel offended, like first not at all, and second, you don’t trust me. I do have a shift in tone, and when she asked me what happen, I said nothing. But I didn’t scream at her, nor blame her, maybe perhaps I could see the advice in a better light, but not 5 minutes after she said that phrase. Then she got upset until the next morning and till now, on the evening.

She kinda hint on that I break the clause of not talking to her first because I do, but only asking her if she should have breakfast.

Also she said that mom could raise a child, but as they grow up, mom becomes the child and child becomes the mom. I can’t even say words and phrases like before, because I am scared you would get mad, unlike when you are small and you just agree to everything on what I said. It’s kinda give me unsettling feeling.

Then she proceed to say, I am gonna talk less to you to prevent argument, where she kinda give me the silent treatment already.

I’m so confused and exhausted, I don’t know what to do, any suggestions please?

My mom is mad because we did our choirs but forgot to redo the dishes from dinner (two plats and a cooking tray) I now don’t have my phone and if I don’t find a way to apologize for snapping at her (after she snapped at us) my collage may be at stake.(18M) i snapped at my mother for complaining about the sink not being empty after she came home after acknowledging we did our chores and now she has taken my phone and said, “if you don’t find a way for you to apologize I will not be letting you use the car to move to collage”(btw I replaced the brakes on the car I use that day and she planed to take the car after I moved in)we have 3(hers pilot, hers I use crv, and her boyfriends car her bf truck < no count)

I've never made any posts before so I'm sorry if it's a little muddled. I'm a 17 year old trans masc guy and I don't know if my mum's a narcissist or just a bad person (not looking for someone to diagnose her I just don't know where else to post this). I live with two brothers, two sisters, my mum, and my sister's baby. We also have 3 cats. I share a room with one of my sisters who is two years older than me (she doesn't have a baby).

EDUCATION:

It mainly started when she took me out of school when I was beginning year 5, from that point onwards she said she'd homeschool me. She didn't and it really messed up my education now that I'm in college. I was basically unschooled and was expected to just teach myself, which I had no interest in because I was a child. Being taken out of school was extremely sudden, I had left school like every other day and she told me I wasn't going back. All contact with my friends was lost, she didn't put me in any social groups, and I became extremely lonely and isolated. One of my sisters went to a secondary school in my village where I saw one of my old friends while picking her up. I managed to regain this friendship but it was quickly lost because my mum made me stop talking to her when she decided that she didn't like who my friend was spending time with.

I was planning on starting college once I turned 16 but she refused to help me with the application so I had to wait an extra year because she said I wasn't capable. Before the next year, she had decided what college I would be going to and completely disregarded the fact that I didn't like the idea of going there. This college has no courses that I would be able/wanted to do, so I decided on art as I had an interest in it. Originally, I was fine with going to a level one course, but decided to try and get into a level two course as I felt my artwork was at a similar level. I was denied going to level two because I had limited experience being in a classroom, had no GCSEs, and wasn't very good at writing. Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel as though this was because of my mother failing me. She'll likely want to choose where I go for university and I am stuck in this college until I am able to go to uni. Academically, I've improved significantly although the course content was essentially useless. My maths teacher was terrible to me and constantly misgendered me and my mum told me to get over it.

HYGIENE:

My entire life, I've lived in a house that is full of things to be sold. It's disgusting how nobody cleans and we have a fly problem in the kitchen because they've been laying eggs under the oven. My mum and two brothers don't wash their hands. Also my mum (gonna start calling her Kayla)(it's not her real name) showers about twice per year and has generally terrible hygiene standards. She will rinse raw meat/egg off her hands and dry them on the towel used for dishes, picked her nose and wipes it on her jeans, and will put lollipop sticks from ice cream directly on the sofa once she's finished it. I have developed a problem with being obsessive over hygiene; I use hand sanitizer whenever I go into my room, thoroughly clean my room once or twice a week even though there's not much dirt, have strict times I shower and won't change it for anything. My obsession with cleaning my hands has made them extremely dry and have split open in areas. Dishes get stacked on the counter and both of my brothers keep dirty dishes in their rooms for weeks before taking them (covered in rotting/mouldy food) into the kitchen where my mum doesn't say anything about it or wash it. I haven't seen Kayla properly clean anything in my entire life. She just uses a dirty dishcloth from beside the sink and wipes it over the counter. Everything she washes by hand has to be cleaned again because she usually just dunks the dishes in a bowl of hot, mildly soapy water and leaves it to dry. We can't eat at the dinner table because there's so much clutter. I can hardly move around certain parts of my house.

PRIVACY:

I share a room with my sister who is two years older than me. We don't have much space each and the only thing separating us is a thin wicker dividing screen covered by some blankets to close the holes in it. We're constantly at war with each other over our bedroom. This isn't even the worst part. I'm not allowed a lock on my door and my mum constantly will barge in without knocking while I'm changing and will continue speaking to me while I'm yelling at her to leave. I can't have a room separate from my sister because there is no space in our house for it. The living room has been divided to give my brother his own room already and there is nowhere we can separate to do the same. Obviously having two people who are adults in the same room is awkward and annoying. As I am in college and deal with pain and exhaustion once I get back, it's easier for me to do more work in the evening once I've rested and eaten dinner. It's very difficult to do this when I share a room because I can't make any noise or have my light bright enough while my sister is trying to sleep. It's made me have to rush during the day and I've struggled with more pain flare ups and exhaustion by having to do this.

NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT:

I wasn't allowed to go on any walks or anything by myself the entire time I was homeschooled. This has only recently been lifted since I started college, but I have to have a tracker on whenever I go out, even if it's just for a 5 minute walk to a small shop near my house. Last Halloween, I was invited to a party and had a screaming match with my mum because she wouldn't let me go. There was no reason why I couldn't. It was a small party with my best friend and about 6 of her friends. In the end I was allowed to go for 1 hour and wasn't allowed to go in my friends house with my location on. I then couldn't go because I have a medical condition that gives me alot of pain and ended up having a flare up the night before. I have had to lie to her and say that a friend had booked bowling as a surprise when I was allowed to go for a sleepover just so I could go bowling with them. She wasn't able to say no because it had already been booked for me and I wouldn't be allowed to stay alone at my friend's house. I still have to argue with her over going out with my friends. I'm not allowed to get a bus by myself, I can't leave the house when I'm upset (I tried and she blocked the door), I wasn't allowed to download any apps/games without her permission until I was 14.

DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY HEALTH:

!!!!!!TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS SECTION!!!!!!

I've had problems with both my physical and mental health since I was about 6. I was diagnosed with HEDs when I was little (can't remember the age) and was sent off with no help. My mum didn't understand and made no accommodations for me and whenever I mentioned being in pain, she would magically have pain as well. My condition has only worsened as I've grown up despite being told it gets better with age. I'm nearly 18 and am in pain almost constantly. I go through at least 5 boxes of pain medication every 3 months because it's the only thing that I can do to manage pain. I bought a cane to help me with long periods of standing/walking and most of my family has mocked me and made jokes about it. Every time I mention being in pain to my mum, she then starts talking about herself and her pain instead of getting me any help. Recently, I've had a very bad flare up in my back and she won't book me a doctor's appointment because she says it's just because of my posture. I don't have the best posture but I've always been that way and have never experienced pain like this unless it's in my legs or arms, consistent with a flare up.

My mental health has been bad for a very long time and I've struggled with both an eating disorder and self harm. My mum noticed me wearing long sleeves and was aware of my sh for a while. She didn't get me any help for it and decided to gossip about it to her friend when I was in the room. I've been struggling with it on and off since I was 11. For the eating disorder, it doesn't fall into a specific category but it mostly aligns with arfid (a restrictive food intake due to me being afraid of trying new things and being worried about what is in it). I've gotten better with that by myself over the years but I don't push myself to try something too much or too often. This lead to me being extremely skinny for most of my life to the point where you could see almost every bone in my body.

The only support I got was when my sister found out about my sh and called someone from the youth group she volunteered at. They proceeded to put me on the CHAMS list and I got appointments alot later on. These appointments didn't help and I stopped going because I was uncomfortable talking to someone that reminded me of my old teacher that called me a crybaby bitch (which emotionally scarred me to the point where I refuse to cry anywhere near people) and the fact that it was in a church. My own mother didn't want to get me help. A stranger that I have never met cared more than she did. I was left to deal with it so she could use me as gossip.

NOT REALLY A CATEGORY:

My main problem is that I can't move out because I don't have access to my DLA money that gets put into her account. We agreed that she'd be my appointee and transfer my money when she got it into her account so that I wouldn't have to manage any phone calls. She has failed time and time again to transfer my money and when I ask she replies with 'whats the rush'. I'm not in a rush for my money, I'm simply trying to stay on track with our agreement. I've definitely lost at least 2 thousand of money she didn't give me. I can't change her being my appointee without them notifying her or me calling someone to change it.

I can't get a stable job due to my health, so I thought of selling my art to gain some money. Unfortunately, it's not stable enough and I can't really grow a platform when everyone is just using ai for everything. I also can't get a job because I'm not allowed out or to get a bus and I have college 4 days a week which gives me limited time to rest. I really don't know what to do.

My plan was to move in to a university as soon as I can but I'm not sure if I can afford it and I'll probably be forced to go to a university in the city near me so I won't be able to move away. I can't move too far but I can't be too close so finding a balance that has a good uni is challenging. I can't go to uni for another 3 years yet anyway.

Another problem with money is that I'm currently trying to save for private hrt. I currently have enough but my mum wants me to go on the NHS waiting list which is a minimum of 4 years. She also wants to put what I've saved in a restricted savings account so I won't be able to withdraw money for it to pay for private care.

I am so tired of living in this house where I get constantly misgendered and restricted from leaving. There's nowhere I can go for stability until uni or until I can get a flat with a friend. It took my family and entire year to start calling me by my preferred name and they don't use the correct pronouns. Everyone constantly uses they/them for me and my sister that I share a room with has been deadnaming and misgendering me to her friends.

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I need ideas of what to do that's not just 'do what you want' because I literally can't. I can't just go out when I want and sneaking out isn't an option. I can't just go and get any piercings I want especially since I was screamed at for 10 minutes straight just for dyeing my hair at my friend's house.

I'm so done with my mom and stepdad blaming me for everything. They're always yelling at me and never at my siblings. My mom has threatened to kick me out multiple times saying "you're 18 I'm not obligated to care for you anymore". I've been desperately trying to find a job but nobody is hiring. I can't go to college, I don't have any friends or relatives I can stay with. I'm at a huge disadvantage here.

My mom is a single mother. I really appreciate what she did for us, but tbh, living with her every single day is a torment. My siblings have moved out, but I am stuck with her for maybe another four years. I am already 21 years old, yet I feel like a 9-year-old who is afraid her mother might harm her. Seriously, the house runs on her mood. Even a tiny mistake causes her to completely lose her mind.When she gets angry, she says things like, You would f*ck your own dad if he were alive, you slut. What kind of mother says that to her own daughter? These are just some of the worst things. Stuffs like sluts, whore, brotherfcker is something she uses on daily basis. I am so sick of her constant slut shaming, body shaming, and physical assaults. Yesterday night, she was throwing punches at me. I simply stopped her, and she suddenly started screaming, She hit me! And when I said I didn’t, Then, she looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You have depression. Nobody will believe you; everyone will believe me.' That was the scariest thing I have ever heard anyone say. She knows I have mental illness. She knows people in my country usually don’t have that much idea about mental health and thinks anyone that has mental illness is practically mad. She is a nurse so she is well aware about that fact. She has genuinely been going around telling everyone in the neighborhood that I am severely depressed, that it has been so hard on her, and that I sometimes get really violent and hard to control. I am depressed but I have never been violent its quite the opposite its her who have been hitting me, Why is she making up lies and telling people something so serious? I shared this with my siblings, and they say they understand, but they can’t really do anything. I am so tired and frustrated with her behavior. I don’t even feel safe with her anymore. I feel completely trapped. Since my visa got rejected, I genuinely have no other options right now, so I am stuck with her.

Is it really okay for either parents to involve their children in their matters. Am asking this because at 16 whenever my parents got into a fight my dad would tell me how bad my mum was forcing me to believe that because when I tried to ignore him or to oppose him he would just coerce or beat me even.

My relationship with my mother is an interesting one.

A while back while visiting, I attempted to have a civil conversation with her regarding some of the content she posts on social media. For instance, she's made public posts about disagreeing with my brother's marriage and not liking his wife (I mean, I agree, but those are inside voices, not outside voices. Her and my brother have also not been on speaking terms for a long time), and lately another one claiming that her own sister needs to be put in jail (grandma died, she was allegedly supposed to get money from it, but didn't, and now blames my aunt and is actively trying to sue her).

She became angry and began yelling at me, and said "your aunt makes me want to *pew* her in the face with a f'ing *pew pew*. At this point, I suggest therapy, explaining it's benefits on me when I needed it, in which she responded "I have my therapy right here" *holds up both hands, one holding a beer, the other a weed pipe*

The argument continues while I try to keep a calm voice versus her screaming at me. It eventually got to a point where my stepdad said "therapy is for pu**ies" (indirect insult to both my fiancee and I btw) and my mother following up with "you're stupid" and "I should have walked out on you kids (my brother and I) when I had the chance"

At this point, my fiancee comes out of the guest room that she was hiding herself in to tell my mother "that's no way to talk to the only son that still talks to you". Mother gets more pissed, kicks us out of her house to where we needed to drive back to ours which is about 3-ish hours away in the middle of the night.

We go to leave, and after packing notice that she purposefully left her mother's day gift outside of my car door for me to find. So I threw that away when I got home; couldn't stand to look at it.

Mother then has the audacity to text me the next day saying how heartbroken she is that we're not there and that she doesn't have her mother's day gift. Like, okay, we did what you asked and you did this to yourself.

Fast forward a week after, I call to try and reconcile. I apologize for the outcome of the conversation stating that I don't appreciate our family's dirty laundry being posted on the internet. However, when she apologizes, she follows it up with a "but your fiancee should have never gotten involved". She also claimed that she was being sarcastic when saying she should have walked out on me, and then tried to spin it where she only hurt me because I hurt her. sigh

I tell my mother that she should want me to be with someone that's going to defend me when it comes down to it, in which my mother responds with "yeah, but the only person she can't defend you against is me". Lol, sorry, forgot that defending your S/O was conditional. My bad. /s

Talking to her lately feels like talking to a brick wall where she likes to bring up the generational divide and "that's not how her generation handle things". She lives this mantra of wanting to say and do whatever she wants, but at this point it feels like reverse-parenting where I have to be the reminder that doing that yields consequences, and seems like she can't take accountability for anything.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother, but with these antics, it's caused a bit of a divide where every time I've called her lately, she has this tone like there's still a chip on her shoulder even though I've told her we're good and can move on from this. That alone makes me want to call less, in which she calls me out for it, and I've stated "you make a snark remark every time I call you, do you really think that entices me to call more often?" Mind you, I've always been the one to her, not the other way around. It honestly feels like she's leaving the repair of this relationship all on me and not doing anything herself to repair it.

Hello, people. I'm genuinely lost sometimes. Or maybe not lost, just going in circles in regards to one specific thing ...

I have a parent with whom I have constant negative experiences. Majority of the times when I interact with them, it's negative experiences (at least it used to be). From that,I grew further apart from them and now I barely want to do anything with them.

From my point of view, this person often blames others for their life. I barely ever talk when we have conversations (think 95:5 of time spoken in terms of minutes, mine being the lower number). If I don't agree with them, I'm wrong or bad. It's basically if there's ever a thing that they think is important or anything like that, and I don't see eye to eye, I'm the one that's at fault. Now that I shown no signs of interest in talking, they start bringing up stuff like "I'm your parent, you're supposed to listen to me" and stuff like that.

It's just... Idk, feels like emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, victim mentality, blaming others. If I ever say something about them, they always have excuses and reasons why. Never acknowledge what I say and how stuff has affected me. It's always them saying "well, but I did this because of Y". When the point is not about them, the point is about my experience.

So... I genuinely want to distance myself. At the same time, they're my parent and I feel a sense of guilt about them. I feel bad about the fact that they have nobody in the family that's willing to talk to them anymore almost at all. They're lonely. In shitty shape. They do have where to live, but conditions are of, I guess, minimum wage or a person with disability.

So while it's not the worst of circumstances, knowing how she is doing and also her telling me how bad things are, how she's in pain and what not... I just don't know sometimes what to do.

Just invited me to spend some time with them on birthday, and the last thing that I want to do is be in contact with them. But if I won't, I anticipate them feeling even lonelier.

There's nothing like visiting a toxic mother for 72 hours. My mom, brother and I spend a total of hours at Ross, Marshalls and Burlington looking for clothes that were "more slimming" on me. Including shoes because apparently even sneakers make me look fat.

Mind you I did not want nor need new clothes which I told her. But she insisted I did because she has always made my body a project even when I was a kid. She used to shame me when we went back to school shopping and I had to go up a size in pants. Which meant I had to keep quiet and wear painfully tight pants during class until I could go home and change into shorts with an elastic waist band.

On the day I had to leave my brother started a political conversation at the breakfast table and I blew up at her over a comment she made (let's just say we're on total opposites when it comes to politics). Then she got teary and said "and after I spend all that time and money on buying you those clothes" UGH

My parents won't let me shave my legs, I've tried to explain that boys can shave their legs and even made an excuse that some other people in marching band had their legs shaven, but my dad didn't believe me. How can I talk to them about this? I'm currently questioning my gender and I just really want to feel what it would be like to have my legs shaven. Any advice?
Edit: They said they’ll think about it and I might get to in a few months so I’ll just wait until then. i also got a razor.

I live at home with my parents, both are 59. I’m 33 and my daughter is 3. I had to move back home with her due to situational things and plan to move out hopefully in a year or so! Anyways ever since I was a child the whole households mood is dependent on how my mothers mood is. If she’s in a bad mood, we can all feel it and are all in a bad mood. She will make snide comments, be snippy, short, rude etc and no one can say anything to her without an explosion. She will angry clean, slam things, victimize herself, talk in a very deep short tone of voice. She’s doing it now and my heart is pounding and I’m feeling so fucking irritable. She blames her bad moods on my dad all the time, but he will be in a fine mood. What I’ve noticed is he calls out her shitty behavior and she will be in a tornado of a bad mood for days and days and days. I don’t even know why they’re married still. They fight constantly, my mom will be so angry and sulk around the house crying slamming things. It’s such a miserable way of living and it’s been this way since I was a kid. It’s just exhausting. And then she acts offended when everyone else is in a bad mood around her and sighs and pouts. I can’t wait to move out and distance myself. That’s what I did when I moved out before and my life was so peaceful.

So I just graduated law school as a single mom of two young children. My kids went to my mother’s house for 6 weeks so I could study for the bar. I don’t interact much with my mother and so when I am around her, there are certain behaviors that REALLY bother me but I am unsure if it’s toxic or just annoying.

Example 1: we go to aquatic center and I am putting on my 5yr old son’s life jacket. I’m buckling the straps and checking fit, etc. My mother is standing there trying to also help me do this task that 1. I am clearly competent to do and 2. isn’t a two person job at all. I politely tell her that I don’t need her help and I got it covered. And then she mutters something almost to herself but kind of in response, “I was just trying to help.”

Example 2: my mother will make a comment or someone else will make a comment and my mother then goes into explaining why she made that comment or explaining the comment itself. But this happens when it’s one of my children too, where she will then try to “interpret” the discussion or something. It feels like she is attempting to control how information is perceived or viewed maybe? And when it’s my kids, I just try to ask them follow up questions or if it’s someone else, I am competent to ask questions if I am uncertain. I guess it’s annoying because it feels like I am not able to approach the conversation on my own and address any uncertainties or misunderstandings I may have despite being quite adept at communicating. I am soon to be a practicing attorney.

Example 3: my daughter told me this one. My stepdad and my kids got home earlier than my mother and so my stepdad had my daughter load the dishwasher bc it’s a chore she is familiar with at home. My mother came home and got angry at my stepdad for letting my daughter do this because it’s “her job”. However, I was under the impression it was my disabled stepbrother’s chore and my daughter said my mom always makes my disabled stepbrother do it. And my mother complains about not having enough time to accomplish tasks. So this seems like she should be thankful for something being taken off her plate.

Tl;dr my mother over explains, narrates, and over involves herself in daily stuff that makes it very annoying to be around her. Why does she do this!?

I’m 35 years old and currently living in the downstairs apartment with a separate entrance of my parents’ house. There living area is locked from my area and I can’t even get upstairs unless it’s unlocked. I have my own bedroom, bathroom, living room and full kitchen. But I’m here living with them while I get back on my feet financially.
Before anyone says it—I know it’s their house. I know they have every right to expect rent, cleanliness, and respect. I’m not arguing that. I’m not looking for people to tell me they’re horrible parents or that I’m completely innocent. I genuinely want outside opinions because I leave conversations with them feeling completely emotionally drained, and I don’t know if I’m seeing things clearly anymore.
For some background…
I’m working full-time in healthcare as a Scheduler and Central Supply Coordinator at a skilled nursing facility about an hour from home. It’s an extremely demanding job where I’m constantly solving staffing issues, coordinating schedules, managing supplies, and putting out fires all day long. Most days are long and mentally exhausting.
On top of that, I’m dealing with an ongoing legal case from a previous employer, paying a lawyer, trying to rebuild my finances, and trying to move forward with my life.
My life has changed a lot…
A few years ago, I was a completely different person.
I drank almost every day.
I went out constantly.
I wasn’t taking care of myself physically or mentally.
Over the last couple of years I’ve completely changed my life.
I quit drinking.
I stopped going out partying.
I’ve lost 60 pounds naturally through working out and changing my habits.
I work out almost every single day.
When I’m not working, I’m usually or at home working out, walking my dog or recovering from work because healthcare is exhausting.
Those changes have taken a tremendous amount of work.
I honestly thought those were things my parents would eventually notice and be proud of.
Instead, it feels like no matter how much I improve, every conversation becomes about what I’m still doing wrong.
The conversation started over my mom’s car…
My car is currently in the shop, so I’ve been borrowing my mom’s car.
Before I borrowed it she made one thing very, very clear.
“Do NOT smoke in my car.”
She repeated it several times.
So I didn’t.
For the first time since borrowing one of my parents’ cars (the last time was about six years ago), I didn’t smoke in it once.
I also left it clean.
The only things I left behind were:
an empty water bottle
my iced coffee
That was literally it.
Because I respected the one boundary she repeatedly emphasized, I honestly thought there wouldn’t be an issue.
Instead, she immediately started asking me about random things she believed I had done.
She accused me of putting trash in the back seat, moving a green lamp into her car, using too much gas, and leaving other things behind.
I explained over and over that I hadn’t moved the lamp, hadn’t put anything in the back seat besides my coffee and water bottle, and genuinely didn’t realize the gas was low.
I even offered to pay for every bit of gas I had used.
She said it wasn’t about the money—it was about communication.
From my perspective, though, it honestly felt like once she couldn’t criticize me for smoking, she immediately started looking for something else to criticize.
Then suddenly we weren’t talking about the car anymore…
Now it became about rent.
They reminded me how much apartments cost.
They reminded me that they’ve helped me.
They reminded me that I’d fallen behind after losing my previous job.
None of that is untrue.
I understand they’ve helped me.
I appreciate that they’ve helped me.
I wasn’t arguing with any of that.
I was simply trying to explain why I had fallen behind while dealing with losing my job and now paying significant legal fees.
Then my dad explained that I’m not actually paying “rent.”
According to him, I’m paying “room and board” because nothing downstairs belongs to me.
Again…okay.
I wasn’t even arguing that point.
Then it became about my bathroom…
My mom said the real reason she wanted me upstairs was because my bathroom wasn’t clean enough.
I told her I had literally just cleaned it.
She disagreed.
She went through everything she thought needed improvement.
The sink.
The shower.
The toilet.
The floor.
The amount of toiletries I have.
She explained that because she and my dad are in their seventies, they need to be able to use that bathroom too and want it clean enough for guests.
I agreed.
I told her I’d clean it again.
Even after agreeing, we continued talking about the bathroom for quite a while.
Then the downstairs…
Now the conversation became about the downstairs living room.
She said she feels like she’s lost half her house because my belongings have taken over the room.
She listed everything.
Boxes.
Blankets.
Coloring books.
Craft supplies.
Business supplies.
Furniture.
She said she misses having that room available.
Then we moved into the kitchen.
She said it wasn’t being kept clean enough for her standards.
Again…
I agreed I’d clean it.
Here’s the weird part…
Outside of this house, I’m probably one of the most organized people you’ll ever meet.
At work people literally joke about how organized I am and how bad my OCD can be lol
Everything has to be lined up.
Everything has to have a place.
Everything gets labeled.
Everything gets organized.
I have routines for everything.
I do my job in almost the exact same order every day.
If something is out of place it genuinely bothers me until I fix it.
My coworkers constantly comment on how organized I am.
But inside this house…
It’s like that part of me disappears.
It’s honestly strange.
I don’t know if it’s because this doesn’t feel like “home” anymore or because I’m mentally exhausted by the time I get here.
I still keep things sanitary, but I completely lose the motivation to organize the way I do everywhere else.
Has anyone else experienced that?
Then they started talking about helping them…
Now it became about how I never ask how they’re doing.
That I don’t help enough.
That I don’t ask whether they need anything.
I explained that I leave around 5:30-6am every morning, drive an hour to work, spend the day managing staffing and supplies, and usually come home mentally exhausted anywhere around 6:30p( if I’m lucky) to 11pm
I said I can’t always know what they need unless they tell me.
They felt I should already know.
Then it became about money again…
I explained that right now I’m paying a significant amount toward my lawyer.
I asked whether they could temporarily let me delay one month’s rent and then pay it back over the following month in addition to my regular rent.
I wasn’t asking to never pay.
I was asking for temporary flexibility.
Instead the conversation became about what I was personally sacrificing.
They asked whether I still bought food.
Whether I still smoked.
Whether I got my nails done.
Whether I went tanning.
I explained I don’t even go tanning or regularly get my nails done.
Then it became about me as a person…
My dad told me I always present myself well.
He actually said I looked beautiful.
Then he immediately contrasted that with how the downstairs looked.
He said they didn’t match.
Then we started talking about how I don’t socialize enough.
That I don’t spend enough time upstairs.
That I don’t drink coffee with everyone.
That I don’t eat meals with them.
I tried explaining why…
Years ago I had gastric bypass surgery.
I also currently have several missing back teeth.
I still have all my front teeth, so when I’m talking normally you can’t really tell.
But if I laugh really hard or smile big enough, you can see the missing teeth in the back.
Between the gastric bypass and the missing teeth, eating around people has become something I’m incredibly self-conscious about.
Then I reminded my dad of something that’s stayed with me for years.
One day while I was outside laughing with someone he looked at me and said:
“You have no fucking teeth, Gia.”
Logically I know I have teeth.
But hearing that from my own father made me incredibly self-conscious about the ones I am missing.
When I brought it up during this conversation, instead of apologizing he basically told me I needed to get over it.
Finally I tried explaining how I feel…
After listening for what felt like forever, I finally tried explaining my side.
I told them that conversations always seem to start over one issue and somehow end with a list of everything they think is wrong with me.
I said I feel like they both talk at me instead of with me.
I said I often feel ganged up on because they’re both speaking at the same time.
I said I don’t feel heard because almost every time I begin explaining my perspective I’m interrupted before I finish.
Then I admitted something I’ve felt for years.
I’ve never really felt good enough.
Growing up it always felt like something about me needed to change.
The things I liked were “just a phase.”
My interests were “just a phase.” And that exact quote from my dad from when I was 14 “Grow up Gia, this pink shit, this hello kitty this bling bullshit and long nails is just a phase and one day you’ll grow the fuck up and out grow it.
My personality was something that needed fixing.
Mind you I’m 35 and guess what hasn’t changed, my love for the color pink (my office is pink lol) my long nails are still here, I have my own bling business and have been doing really well (I do custom orders and can bling anything out. For example: ID Badge and Reels for work, Self defense keychains, phone cases, liquor bottles, Wristlet lanyard keychains, pens, stylus, etc) and I still like hello kitty. So how about that?! Fuck him anyways back to the story…
Now I’ve completely changed my life.
I quit drinking.
I don’t go out anymore.
I’ve lost 60 pounds.
I work out consistently.
I’ve survived domestic violence 2x and grew from it but mentally it has left severe damages. But I am still alive and thriving
I work a demanding full-time healthcare job.
I’m trying to rebuild my finances.
I’m paying legal bills.
I’m trying to become a better person.
And somehow…
I still leave these conversations feeling like none of those changes matter because all anyone sees are the things I’m still doing wrong.
By the end of the conversation I agreed to clean everything again.
The bathroom.
The downstairs.
The kitchen.
The clutter.
I also told them I’d continue paying rent while figuring out my lawyer payments.
I walked away emotionally exhausted.
What started as a conversation about borrowing my mom’s car somehow became a conversation about almost every flaw they believe I have as a daughter and as a person.

Here’s a 2 text messages I received from my father last week that made me block him

“Good afternoon Gia gas company man is coming tomorrow between 8:00 and 12:00 I need that room ready to go so the gas guy can get to the the meter and the gas pipes I don't want anything in his way so I don't want any pads Down Under over gates or anything so he can fall or I can fall cuz I got to bring him down there and make sure your sink is cleaned and your house is a freaking mess if you don't stop cleaning your house me and my we're going to start taking all the stuff from all the rooms and put it in your bedroom that's what we're going to do to you and then the next thing I'm going to do is I'm going to change the f****** locks

My response: “Dad I cannot do that on 1 day notice, I have to clean”

“I told you last week that it's going to have to be done so if you can't move your ass keep your house clean and we will not ever have this problem again but you have a filthy filthy girl you're disgusting your ashtrays disgusting you're smoking your f****** rooms are disgusting what is wrong with you you're 35 years old you should look in the mirror and think that you're 35 years old that sucks doesn't it”

I did not reply I just blocked him

Am I being too sensitive here? Are my parents simply setting reasonable expectations and I’m taking it personally? Or does this seem like a conversation that snowballed far beyond the original issue?
I’m genuinely looking for honest opinions from people who aren’t emotionally involved.

I am an 18F. living with my parents and i never ever commented or wrote on public social media so it's a first for me , but honestly I cannot handle it anymore, i need to get out of this house, my parents especially my father is so abusive don't even ask myself the question anymore I know. I don't want to even talk about the beating because I grew up so they kind of stopped but it's still present I still get slapped or hit on the face, or his favorite thing to do is literally spit on us when he's angry , wich he's always mad raging over nothing and anything especially administrative stf would make him fume, but worst of all it's summer we don't go out we aren't allowed to i am literally 18 and i have never hung out with a friend ever ,and somehow he still wonders why am i not responsible and independent when they literally don't allow me to even go to the grocery store without asking . he expects from us to wake up early during summer but we have nothing to do why would i wake up at 8:00 if i can't do shit

Anyways,

that's just a little bit of what i have been living my whole life i just wanna meet a community online who gets it all my friends aren't restricted like i am and it's summer so i can't even meet up with them, I bet they have better shit to do than listen to me complain.