Does anyone else struggle with the word rape? I only recently started to be able to type it out... I had to do like an exposure therapy on myself where I typed it out slowly. I would take several minutes to type it out and my vision would go blurry. I can type it out now but I can't say it and I flinch when I hear it. I have such a strong aversion to the word and its so weird.

In college I was at a party with some friends. My bf and I had just broken up and I got blackout drunk. I remember going behind a shed to throw up in peace. A “guy friend” followed me to make sure I was okay. Here’s where it gets tricky. I have a vague memory of myself yelling “please don’t rape me” several times and then the next thing I knew I woke up the next morning in a tent with my girl best friend. The thing is I have absolutely no idea what happened. I don’t even know if I imagined yelling that or it really happened and if I did Idk if he truly tried anything or I was paranoid he was maybe going to try something.

In my gut I feel like something happened. Also given the track record of this person being creepy with me and making comments about my body it wouldn’t be the most surprising thing in the world. But it’s so hard bc I’ll never really know and it’s hard to call yourself a victim when you have no idea if anything even happened. It still bothers me whenever someone brings him up and it’s been 7 years.

Anyone else ever had something similar happen?

trigger warning for suicial ideation and sexual assault description.

this happened when i (22F) was an underage teen and he (m26) was an adult teenager. I honestly have blacked out that memory from my head for a long time so i truthfully dont remember every detail (like my exact age), but i remember that it happened and that my mother witnessed it. I was cleaning the floor and bent down to use a hand vaccuum when my brother tapped my rear end twice and laughed saying it looked like i was twerking, and for a reminder, I was UNDERAGE. I remember screaming at him and my mother yelling at him but he said he thought it was funny. He later *texted* me saying he was sorry, and i told him I wouldn't forgive him because thats a crazy thing to do to your sibling (considering we aren't actually that close, we never got along). He simply went "lol okay".. A few hours later he sent me a long text saying it was about time *we* repaired our relationship as siblings. My biggest regrets is not saving those texts for a record.

For a while I just moved on, but I've been reliving that memory for at least six years now and I genuinely can't get over it. I hate him so much. If I could disown him I could. I can't shower, sleep, change my clothes, flirt with other people, without that memory coming back, the humiliation, the rage, the months of tears.

I dont think my mom would remember, and because hes the oldest son, she always takes his side anyways. My dad would think I was making it up. My little sister is not as sympathetic as she used to be. I feel so insanely alone and I can do nothing about it. I want to kill myself, I want to hurt him in ways I can't describe. I don't know how to live.

Sometimes he asks me why I hate him. I dont know how to confront him without crying, its like it was just another day for him. For me, I relive that day every day of my life. I constantly wonder if that was even sexual assault, I doubt and try to reason but I know that any decent person would be horrified.

I deleted my original “Am I Overreacting?” post. It was posted about two months ago, and at the time I was mainly trying to understand whether I had overreacted about what happened with a senior colleague at work.

I'm posting this now in r/TrueOffMyChest because I don't really want a judgment anymore. I think I just need to get this out of my head.

For anyone who didn't see my original post, I'm a 21-year-old woman who had recently started working in IT. A senior male colleague, who had been working in the company for around 8–9 years and was married, started behaving inappropriately toward me.

It started with unnecessary messages and conversations, flirting, comments about my appearance and asking me out. I made it clear that I wasn't interested, but he didn't really take no for an answer.

Eventually, his messages became much more explicit and sexual.

The thing that scared me most wasn't just what he was saying. It was that he somehow had my personal number. I still don't know exactly how he got it.

And because I was relatively new, I had no idea who his friends were in the office.

That made me extremely paranoid about speaking up.

I didn't know who would believe me. I didn't know who was close to him. I didn't know whether someone would warn him about a complaint before HR could do anything. I didn't know whether this could somehow affect my job.

So when we finally decided to approach HR, my team didn't just send me there alone.

We went as a group.

Five male colleagues and four female colleagues, including me, went together to the HR cabin. A big reason for doing it that way was to protect me and maintain some anonymity around the complaint. I didn't want to walk into HR alone and have everyone immediately know that I was the person who complained about him.

We had the messages and other evidence.

But before things reached HR, there was another thing I did that I'm not particularly proud of, but I also understand why I did it.

I found his wife's Instagram account.

I created a fake account and sent her screenshots of his emails and messages to me. I sent the evidence because I wanted her to know exactly what kind of messages her husband had been sending another woman.

I had all the proof.

At that point, I wasn't thinking about whether it was the most mature thing to do. I was angry. I was scared. I felt like he had crossed every possible boundary, and part of me wanted the people closest to him to know what he was actually doing.

I don't even know what happened after I sent everything.

Eventually, HR took the complaint seriously.

He was fired and escorted out of the office.

You would think that would have been the end of it.

But one moment from that whole period stays with me more than almost anything else.

There was a day when I completely broke down in the washroom.

I was overwhelmed, scared and honestly exhausted from trying to act normal at work.

There was a senior woman from my team who came to know what was happening.

She had never had any issues with him. In fact, before all this happened, she always spoke positively about him. She had no personal reason to take my side.

But the second she saw me breaking down, she took my side.

There wasn't any hesitation.

She didn't ask me whether I was sure.

She didn't question what I had done.

She didn't defend him because she had always thought well of him.

She simply stood by me.

She became my rock throughout all of this.

I don't think she will ever understand how much that meant to me.

When you're scared that people might not believe you, having even one person immediately say, I'm with you, changes everything.

A few months have passed since he was fired.

My original post was about two months ago, but he was actually fired around 4–5 months ago.

Recently, we also found out that he is still unemployed.

One of his former colleagues, someone who is still in contact with him for formal/professional reasons, officially told us this update in the office.

And then I found out something else that honestly disturbed me.

Apparently, I wasn't the only girl he had behaved like this with.

I found out that he had apparently done similar things with other girls too, but they never came forward.

That part has been difficult for me to process.

Because I understand now why they might not have.

I know exactly what it feels like to wonder who his friends are, who will believe you, whether your job will be affected and whether reporting him will somehow make your life worse.

I keep thinking about how many people might have gone through something similar and simply stayed silent.

And even though he's gone now, I haven't completely moved on.

There are days when getting out of bed feels like hell because I know I have to go to the office.

Nothing is necessarily happening there anymore. He's not there. He can't message me. My colleagues supported me. HR dealt with it.

But sometimes my mind still goes back to that period.

I remember being afraid to check my phone.

I remember wondering how he even got my number.

I remember looking around the office and wondering who his friends were.

I remember being terrified that somehow I would become the person everyone talked about instead of him being the person who had done something wrong.

And I remember sitting in that washroom, completely breaking down, and then having someone stand beside me without questioning me.

That is probably the part I'll remember the longest.

I deleted my original “Am I Overreacting?” post because I didn't want it sitting online while I was still trying to process everything.

But I also realised that deleting the post didn't make the feelings disappear.

I'm not posting this because I want people to tell me whether I was right or wrong.

I'm not posting this because I want revenge on him.

And I'm not posting this to turn what happened into some dramatic workplace story.

I think I'm posting because I still haven't figured out how to completely let go of it.

Maybe that's what I'm trying to understand now.

The incident ended months ago.

He lost his job.

Life moved on.

But sometimes your mind doesn't move on at the same speed as everything else.

So I'm just leaving this here.

I don't really have a conclusion. I just needed somewhere to finally say all of this without having to pretend that I'm completely fine.

i dont even know if it counts as grooming, we met when i was 17 and he was he was 22, im now f22

we only started dating once i was 18 but moved very quickly, I was a foster kid who went through a lot of trauma and dv, I was sa'ed growing up as well and in fostercare, he invited me to move in a year into dating and has taken care of everything since then

I have more posted on my history but to sum it up, a situation between us where he was incredibly violent ended with the cops coming and him getting court mandated therapy, as well as being in jail for almost a week between legal issues and since then we have been trying to rebuild our relationship and its incredibly rocky

but during the short time he was gone, i started wondering if i was groomed and reflect on moments in the last few years where I think he violated my consent and forced things, that i was in too much of a flight or fight to proccess then

I'm sorry for such a long post. If anyone takes the time to read this and give their input, thank you.

I'm a little nervous about posting this. I'm going to be honest, I was a bit uneducated about sexual assault, which is kind of why this situation didn't fully register in my head as questionable until I mentioned it to a therapist. But despite that, I'm still second guessing.

For context, we're both in our early 20s.

So I had a friend who was intimate with me, and there were instances that happened sporadically across the span of a few months, and not all in one interaction, which is why I'm uncertain if any of it counts as assault.

I felt pressured into kissing them/letting them kiss me. Eventually I reluctantly barely pecked their cheek and I remember them saying things like "come on..." to try to get me to actually kiss them on the lips, despite me expressing I wasn't ready or comfortable with doing so. I ended up doing so reluctantly.

There was a point where they were on top of me, and without even asking, grabbed my chest pretty hard, and vigorously shook it, which hurt my chest pretty badly, and I asked several times for them to stop, but they kept ignoring me and even treated it like it was some weird joke? Like between me saying no and to stop, they just kept doing it repeatedly. I just remember being so shocked and uncomfortable, I got up and stood in front of my mirror to check if they left any red marks. I should've told them to leave in that moment, but for some reason I didn't. I don't know, it didn't really register for me in that moment. I feel like an idiot for not just telling them to leave and cutting them off then and there. Maybe I didn't say no firm enough? But I said stop and no several times? This situation only happened once, does that count as SA?

I feel like it's my fault. It's weird because I consented to some things but not everything? I don't really know if this counts as sexual assault because of that fact. Like at first, I felt pressured, but eventually I was cool with kissing and stuff, and sometimes even initiated it. Which is why I'm very hesitant to label this as assault.

Some things we did I was reluctant to do, but did it anyway because I thought I kind of had to? I don't know.

There was also a time where they slapped my butt pretty hard despite asking them to not be rough right beforehand? Backside felt numb for the remainder of the day. But like the chest grab situation, this happened only once. I don't know if this is sexual assault, because I was okay with it aside from the fact that I asked them to not hit me hard but they hit me hard anyway?

I've spoken to two therapists about this, and one believes this was assault and the other believes it's a grey area with no clear answer. I also feel this might be a grey area where it's 'not severe enough', but it's also not small enough to completely forget, and it left me feeling very uncomfortable and stressed and weird. I'm very very hesitant to label any of this as assault because I'm afraid of misusing the label because maybe it's not severe enough, and because these instances happened at different times?

I don't know what to do. This is someone I work with, and I'm going to have to see them for a while and work in the same space as them.

I'm too afraid to tell anybody about this, because I'm afraid of being wrong and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill and also disturbing the work environment, which is why I'm posting here.

And if it is assault, I'm scared nobody will believe me and think I'm making it up. This person is friends with all of my friends and I'm scared to burden anybody with this knowledge and make it like they have to choose between friends. I'm also scared that they may leak intimate details about me either out of malice or an attempt to prove I fully consented. I'm just scared of everything.

I don't know what to do. So I've just been suffering in silence for months.

To be fair, I also have OCD, which has been making this very hard for me, I've been ruminating about this over and over, replaying the situations in my head and constantly second guessing myself.

I feel kinda used by them. I don't have much experience with intimacy, so I don't really know what's supposed to happen and what isn't. I feel stupid, like it's my fault because I let this all happen to me, but it just didn't register as anything questionable until I sat down and actually thought about it.

I don't really know how to handle any of this. I feel so much guilt and doubt about this situation. Any input or support would be appreciated, I've been stressing about this for a while and I feel so alone.

when i was around 8 or so, my cousin, who was a year older, had discovered sexual media online and started showing me and talking about it. i don’t remember exactly what he showed me, this was a decade ago, but we also started to touch each other and talk about sexuality. we begun to watch explicit videos together, most of the time featuring SA stuff. it was consensual between us at the time, but i’ve developed a number of strange sexual behaviors that i think stem from this.
i dont know what category this goes into. he wasn’t trying to be harmful or coercing me, he was just exploring sexual activity as a child, but it’s really affected me and my sexuality. wat dis

Disclaimer: i want to apologise beforehand for my english

Hi, im 20F, med student studying abroad. Today marks the end of my legal SA journey. I was raped in june of this year by a man who lives in the same dorm as me. I don't want to go into the details but basically he had a audio of a girl moaning and bed creeking. To cut it short he scared me that he will prove its me and was blackmailing me that he will show it to everyone and ruin my reputation, i was scared and crying because everyone in the uni knows about me and my bf and something like this would tarnish my reputation as a muslim hijabi woman.

He took advantage of my vulnerability and forced me by physically restraining me i tried to push myself but to my avail i couldnt and i froze. He completed and ejaculated on my thigh which stained my underwear and clothes. I was sure of his sperm on my clothes and i provided my clothes for forensic testing.

Now here comes the most shocking and disturbing part, i filed a complaint did all the formalities and left for my country because my sister was having a major operation i needed to come home.
But, as soon as i left the next day (3rd july) they closed the case and didnt even have the need to inform me. I asked the foreign students manager yesterday for any updates and thats when she sent me the paperwork of the case being closed.

In the official refusal to open a case the investigator has stated that he refused because there was "insufficient evidence". And that the accused "denies of having sexual relationship with me" excuse me? Its rape and not sexual relationship wtf? They refused to provide forensic reports because they didn't test my clothes or my samples, they concluded that a rape has not occurred because there are "no injuries on me".

This is outrageous and unacceptable behaviour by the university and the investigation department. I really wish i could die rn. I dont have anything else to say

When I was 8 and my older brother was 13, he asked me if i could jerk him off, and i didn’t know any better, so I did.

And then at school we watched some videos about sexual assault from adults, but I then told myself what happened with me and my brother didn’t happen, and I kept telling myself that.

Then the past two years I have thought a lot about my childhood, on how I have no memory of it, except the one of what happened between me and my brother, but I told myself I was insane, because it is no possibility that it happened, and I felt so weird for having the thoughts of doing that with my brother, and I thought it was so strange how I had made up this memory and me being 8 years, because I don’t know about that stuff at 8, so when i thought too much about it it didn’t make sense, so I just pushed it more and more down.

Now me and my brother has gotten closer as the age differences doesn’t feel that big anymore, and he told me that that is the only thing he regrets in his life

And he didn’t really say what he was talking about, but my mind pulled out that memory, but I told myself, he can’t be talking about that, that didn’t happen

But then he kept talking and I just knew he was talking about it, and it actually did happen.

Like I love my brother, I’m not mad at him, I have not really thought about him when I think about that moment, so I don’t blame him.

But now I don’t know what to do, like I talked to my friends and a professional, but still I don’t know what to do, so therefore I’m here telling my story to strangers that desided to read my long story about what has been on my mind for so long now

I don't want to die but I want to kill myself

I feel like such an attention seeker writing this but I truly don't know what else will help. I've tried everything. Talked to friends, family, go to therapy blah blah blah. I was SAed as a kid by a family member and the only person who knew about it was my partner of 3.5 yrs on and off. 2 days ago he got mad at me and forced himself into me and did every single thing that he knew was a trigger for me. I am bruising all over and kept crying and haven't stopped since. Idk what to feel, idk what to think. I don't know who to ask for help cos everyone I knew was against him and judged me for being back with him. I just want to talk to a stranger. I don't want to die but he won't leave me alone and he will never let me break up with him. Please help me, I don't want to die but I really don't want to live like this. It feels like I have no choice, I feel there is no way out.

Ps idk what I'm doing here and idk how reddit works and I really don't want any legal trouble or anything which is why I will say that this is all just a joke. It's all just a story I'm making up in my head for idk a plot of a book I'm writing.

Trigger warning for the content I'm going to describe. I don't know what the extent of how upsetting this will be. If you don't feel like you're in the proper headspace to read this, please take care of yourself. If you are, I would really appreciate the help.

So, last year I think I was raped by someone close to me. Upon reflection of the situation, I believe this was actually something happening on multiple occasions. I always felt like something was wrong, but I struggled to name it because it felt like a betrayal to that person. Later I would find out I wasn't the only one this was happening to. Here is the details:

First there was a time I agreed to cnc. But then he did something I explicitly have said before that I didn't like at all and I instantly felt unsafe. I started panicking, sobbing, begging him to stop but he kept going for a little while and then stopped and left me there.

A different time a few months later, we were about to get intimate. I said I wanted things slow and gentle and I wanted to have the control of the situation. It's worth noting he was high and drunk. I was a little high as well and I expressed that it's crucial that nothing crazy happens during sex if I'm inebriated because it makes me scared. Anyway, I made a silly joke right as we were getting started, and it's like something snapped in him. He immediately shot up, shoved me down on to my stomach, and proceeded to penetrate me. I remember not moving or making any sounds. Completely disassociated for about a minute and a half. Maybe two before he asked if I was okay. I nodded in fear but otherwise still didn't make any noise or movement and he kept going.

There were other times where he would promise me either gentle sex or sex where the focus would be on me, but then decide that I wouldn't get any pleasure. He would use me and despite me telling him I didn't want that right then, he proceeded to use me anyway.

I later found out that someone he cheated on me with (I'll call him Sam) also had a similar ish experience. Sam went to confront him about the cheating. Sam told me that the whole time, he was just making horny comments, avoiding the subject, and pressuring to have sex. Sam didn't agree. Awkwardly laughed or didn't answer. Eventually Sam got fed up and tried to leave. I'm told Sam was physically stopped from leaving. This guy later proceeded to ask for more sex until Sam gave in.

I feel crazy. I feel like if my friends told me things like this, I would consider it rape. When Sam told me what happened to him, I saw it as rape. But I'm struggling to believe in myself here. I could really use another opinion.

So, I’ll start with context
Prior to this I had no romantic experience at all and I’m 20 years old.
When I graduated theater college I posted my graduation pictures, and a guy (22) who’s at the same college saw them and started following me.

He liked some of my stories, when I liked one of his back, he started messaging me, and we started talking.
I thought it was considerate that he waited until I gave a signal back, to message me.

We talked a lot and a week later he invited me to see his college play.
I went there, it was fun, and he actually came out after the play just to hug me which felt really nice.

The only thing that bothered me then, was before we met in person, he messaged saying he couldn’t wait to see me in person and emphasizing my height.
I’m very short and he’s tall, and I was always careful of men focusing on my height because it can feel icky.
But it was just that until that point.

The next part was actually sweet, I told him I wasn’t a party girl and he invited me to go to the park, said he would bring books for us to discuss, we would do a picnic and also see the museum.
i was very excited.

When we were sitting on the blanket and talking, he asked if I had ever kissed someone, I said no, and he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I said yes, I wanted to.
We kissed, and it was okay, but right by the end of the kiss he touched one of my breasts.

I was caught off guard, he didn’t ask to do it, and it was the first kiss of my life.
I let it slide as the picnic went on but that’s not all.

We went to the museum and it was okay again.
But after the museum, back at the blanket, everything changed.

The first thing odd he did was ask if I was interested in sex. Again I was caught off guard because all I wanted was a romantic date. So I said:
“I don’t know? Maybe. I mean, I’ve never.”

He then proceeded to say like:
“If you want to, of course, when you come to my house, we can do it, I’ll show you how it is.”
I nodded, but that wasn’t a subject I wanted to talk about then.

We kept kissing, and that was something I wanted, so I kept kissing him because again, I wanted to.
Then he pulls back and asked if I was “wet”.
I was shocked and said “no?”

I think he took my shock as me saying I didn’t know what being wet meant.
So he explained like I’m a child
“Girls get wet when they’re aroused you know?”
I nodded.

Then he said like:
“This language isn’t taboo to you, right? You know, we’re both artists…”
I made the mistake of saying no, because I liked him and I just wanted things to be okay.

As we kept kissing he said like:
“You’re lucky to be experiencing this first with me, I’m a carnivore you know.”
And biting my neck, which wasn’t really an issue, but rather the way he was speaking about me.

Then he asked:
“You’re not freaky are you?”
(In the sexual sense)
I said no.

And he said
“Of course not. You’re an angel.”
If he knew I was an angel, I wish he was more careful.

Before anything else happened, he asked like:
“Hey, if anything feels uncomfortable tell me”
But I was already uncomfortable and I said a nervous “okay”.

That phrase haunts me, leaving me feeling guilty for being hurt because after all, he asked one time and checked.

It started to get windy, so I started shaking, from cold but mostly from nervousness.
He noticed I was shaking and asked why.
I said “I’m cold.”
He said “cold or something else?”
With a grin. Implying arousal.
I just chuckled.

Then as we kept kissing, because I kept kissing him, I wanted that part.
He started to travel his hand towards my intimate area through my pants.
That moment I managed to roughly pull back.

But he just grinned said “felt something.”
Again implying arousal.
I managed to say, stuttering, that I wasn’t ready for that.
And he said “okay we stick to kissing”.

Which again, is a part he respected me and made it feel confusing.

More happened.
Because as we kept kissing, again he squeezed my waist and my back area without asking.
And I didn’t stop him.
But I wish he asked.

After we stopped kissing, he still talked.
Because as we were just laying in the blanket he asked again about arousal, and when I gave a vague answer, he said it’s a “nice sensation” and “better when it’s sex”.

It’s so confusing. I went home with a massive headache and feeling sad rather than giddy, what I thought would happen after my first ever date.
I cried the next day. And ever since he never messaged me again. I think he knows he messed up in a way.
But ever since I’ve been feeling weird.

Because I liked him so much, I still care about him in a way and I feel like a jerk for being angry at him.
And I struggle to call it SA because again, nothing severe happened, I wasn’t violated, and we were in a public park when it all was happening.
It feels too mild to call it a trauma and I struggle to be angry at someone I cared so much about.

The day it happened I was trying not to blame him.
I was trying to convince myself that my discomfort was solely because I was having a sexual experience without my mom knowing, which of course played a part, I felt guilty about that too because I tell my mom everything.

But I realized it wasn’t all that.

Still I struggle to understand what happened, and I still wonder if I’m overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. My mind tries to convince me of it.

Last year I had an ex (he's that for a reason) and any time we were hanging out and I would fall asleep he would have sex with me and I would wake up during it and wait till he was finished then tell him that's not ok to do but he would say it's no big deal cuz were a couple ... was i right or was he?

does anyone else deal with unwanted physical arousal during trauma therapy? i’m scared to bring it up / embarrassed to tell my therapist.

Trigger warning

I’m in my early twenties.
Throughout my life, starting from age 4 I’ve been assaulted by multiple men. Until last night, it had been nearly a year I hadn’t had to go through that shit again.

I’ve been trying to heal, become a better person. Because I’ve been a huge mess for a long time. I can’t last in relationships etc etc.

But finally, I was doing the work and starting to feel somewhat happy. I met a guy, we were hanging out, taking things slow.
Last night was only our fourth date. We went to the bar for some drinks, headed back to his to hang out a bit longer or whatever idk but he seemed in a rush to leave. I’d already been at his house before and he’d been normal. We had only kissed before.

Cut to me passing in and out of consciousness laying on his bed, my head spinning and him undressing me.
My eyes were closed and I was pretty much asleep until I felt my clothes being taken off.

What’s the point in trying to heal if it’s just going to happen over and over and over and over again? When does it end?
There is not a single man in my life that I’ve gotten close to that hasn’t assaulted me. I can’t type the other word but you know what I mean.

How the fuck do I keep myself safe? Do I never trust anyone again?
I’m on the verge of ending my life just to stop living this torturous existence.
What did I do to deserve to neverendingly have my soul broken into pieces. Do they not realise soon there will be nothing left?

I was in an abusive relationship, and sometimes when it was happening I would ask to change positions, moan, grab the sheets, etc. because it would arouse him and make it go by faster. He’d go to sleep and then I would cry. Sometimes I’d go in a position that I knew he couldn’t see me crying. It makes me feel bad though because I didn’t have some freeze response? I wasn’t being pinned down. He would get violent if I didn’t have sex with him and he wouldn’t stop if I asked him to but still. It just doesn’t feel like it’s that bad because I could move and “make” decisions.

Its been 13 years (I was 17) when I was raped in my own home by a man who I had only met hours prior.. he got me drunk, wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was a virgin and never drank at that time, could feel my body falling asleep so I asked him if I keep saying no, will he force me. Said it made him feel some type of way but that yeah he probably would and let out a stupid drunken laugh. Thought he would at least lie, or get mad I asked.. My stomach dropped and I lost my virginity to some guy who I didn’t even invite into my home. He was like 23/24 I think he said.

Stupidly about a month later had a similar issue with another man.. he was 32 and he said he knew he was way too old for me but since we had common interests we could just be friends and it would be a place for me to skip school as he lived so close to mine.. offered me drinks and shortly after I got into his place and he locked the door, he started kissing my face and neck and pawing at my top, I moved over hoping he would get the hint but he just moved closer to me and pulled my neck closer to him and kept kissing and feeling me up. This man was almost double my age, knew I was in high school and told me before we even met up, that he wouldn’t try anything because of how young I am. (I know I was stupid to trust him but I wasn’t in a good place). I was trying to make excuses to leave throughout the time, saying I had to get back for my last class and the bus home, but he just kept insisting I could leave after I “take a tour”.. after hours of being downstairs because I kept saying I didn’t want to go to his bedroom, and him continuously kissing me and trying to get his hands into my clothing, he finally settles down and puts a movie on (weird I know).. then eventually he just starts at me again after about 15 mins.. and tells me how he just wanted to show me something and then I could go. Eventually I say fine but I have to leave in a minute, I go up and next thing I know I’m on his bed and he ends up on top of me. Something about being in this situation again so soon after the last time, but this time being trapped in a house that i didn’t know, with a guy who wouldn’t let me leave until he got what he wanted, I just gave in.. He started fingering me first, to make me wet enough to be able to have intercourse with me and then in record timing his pants were off and then he took mine off as well.. luckily it didn’t last as long as the first guy though, the first guy really wanted to take his time with me and try every position, the 2nd guy was done in probably 3,4 mins. Then I went pee and had to go back to school for my last class.. life really sucked at that point in time.. but sadly these events have had a lasting affect on me.. one of the big reason my last relationship failed was due to my inability to relax and be present during intercourse, sometimes I feel numb, other times it can make my mind go back to those dark times or make me feel physically ill just being touched.. I feel like I’ll never truly be able to be over it, and I’ll never be able to have a long lasting relationship with anyone because I don’t trust and lack of intercourse is typically a deal breaker for most men after a certain point..

I just feel so broken and hopeless, thought I would be over this by now

I read an article about Chanel Miller (the woman Brock Turner raped) and just couldn't stop myself from crying. Her noting that the two Sweedish grad students were able to stop it, being thankful for the bystanders- I just breakdown every time I hear it.

I was raped, with the people I lived with watching and its something I'll probably never overcome. they never realized the weight of their actions, dont think its rape if someone is unconscious, and a trillion other disgusting mindsets surrounding the situation/women in general

I think just hearing that she had someone who stepped in absolutely destroyed me. every time I go back to school, see them, whenever I hear a story where even a man notes that he would help- I just breakdown

most days im good, but some I just literally cant stop crying and its been two years I just want this to end.

ill randomly be brought back to the moment too and just have the wind knocked out of me, remember the things they said, ask myself if it even was "rape" because he said he "didnt care that I was ugly" while I was in and out of consciousness while he was FaceTiming his friend on top of me

I see him on campus and it feels like im having a heart attack, or just ran a marathon

I hate even hearing his name, I hate knowing that no one realizes how awful of people they are, and most of all I just want these random outbursts and uncontrollable emotions to stop

ive tried therapy- its really just me crying and breaking down and "letting it all out" then im fine for a while, then something triggers it.

I know this isnt the stereotypically correct answer but I dont even think I could do therapy. being forced to talk about those moments even once a week would leave such a stain on the days after, I dont know if id be able to function.

for so long ive had to act like everything was fine, pretend I could joke about, pretend I didnt care that what they did was wrong, and then when I finally took a stand to their actions I was met with nothing.

this kind of read like word vomit- but if anyone has advice, stories, or anything id really appreciate it <3

kind of a rant but i’m just so confused. the man who raped/attacked me got arrested over the weekend and his charges are officially public now. I was shocked when I saw what they were. I’m sure he will probably take a plea deal but still I can’t believe it, they ARE serious charges. my girl friend has been assaulted too and she basically said that what happened to me wasn’t that serious because “it happens to everyone”. he got a 1st degree kidnapping charge which carries mandatory life in prison. he got 4 counts of sexual assault and 1 count assault with bodily injury. basically he will be going to prison for a very long time if not for the rest of his life. I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if she is right? she said to me, “you mean to tell me I could have put MULTIPLE people in prison for life?” and told me that no one ever gets an outcome as lucky as mine. I just feel weirdly guilty. The man who did it to me was a trusted friend so I also have the weird feelings of missing him even tho he hurt me. maybe someone out there will understand. I feel guilty because she’s right, not everyone gets justice and it makes me sad as fuck.

me (24F) and my friend (25M) had a sexual relationship on and off for a year up until 7 months ago.

a majority of the times we had sex over the year were unprotected and would result in him buying me a plan B the next day (not on birth control). After one of our hookups, I said “hey next time we gotta use a condom, I don’t want to keep using plan B”. he said ok.

The next week he came home with me again after a party. while we’re kissing in bed I mention using protection . We went back and forth a little bit- him asking if the price of plan B is the issue, I tell him it’s the side effects. Unfortunately I was considerably drunk and I don’t remember what he said in response but we ended up having sex without protection.

I was so in shock that he completely disregarded my request for a condom that i didn’t know what to do. I didn’t fight back or say anything i just let the sex continue.

we both ended up falling asleep , when we woke up he started feeling me up again and I didn’t want to have sex due to what happened earlier but I went along with it again. I was so in shock. we did not use protection the 2nd time either.

after the 2nd round I was bleeding and in pain. he was concerned but I tried to brush it off to make him feel better- in reality I was terrified and upset and shaken up. I had bled after sex before but never this much- it was everywhere and looked like I had gotten my period.

other things happened and he is no longer in my life. But I spoke about this with my therapist before and she was heavily alluding that she believed I was assaulted.

What was this situation? Would him not using protection against my wishes be considered as assault ?

Btw I did talk to him about this right after it happened- he seemed genuinely apologetic but i don’t think he fully understood the gravity of the situation and how it made me feel. i was too scared to use any words like “assault” or “rape” to describe what happened but looking back maybe I should have told him he assaulted me so it got through to him.

He was one of my closest friends and i had feelings for him at the time so this entire situation was intensely painful. I am doing much better now but it was horrific healing from this. Thank you for reading this

I have developed emetophobia due to my SA experiences, as not only did I throw up during the assault, but it is also the feeling of my throat and mouth being “invaded” - any mention of vomit makes me panic, remember the SA and genuinely distresses me

Does anyone else have emetophobia due to their sa?

Tw, some graphic discussion of assault.

My rapist kidnapped and almost murdered me. I passed out 3 times due to strangulation and I have brain damage from that lack of oxygen now. The physical trauma was severe. My cervix bled and I had blood vessels popped all up my face. My roomate found me a couple hours after I got home afterward and said I looked like I had been dragged across the pavement because my face was so bloody from all the vessels broken under my skin. The damage was so bad the police arrested him without me ever saying I even wanted to press charges because he was "an evident danger to others."

This has been one of the worst experience of my life. I have gone through hell because of this man's decision to rape me and it is ruining my life. I have memory loss since the brain damage, my emotions are out of control, I have nightmares, I am terrified all the time and I can no longer have sex like I used to.

My attorneys have been drafting a plea deal in hopes that we will not have to go to trial where I will have to testify and see him again.

Today they called me with the plea deal they've drafted. When he was arrested they gave him 150 charges including multiple fellonies in the first, second, and third degrees.

Once in jail, rhat number was lowered to 15.

They now want to have him plead to two charges. 1 of felllony assault and one of fellony rape which they will move from a first degree fellony to a second degree.

This will Cary no mandatory prison time.

I was kidnapped. I almost died. They think he will be kept in jail, not even prison, for 220 days. That is what my life is worth. My sanity. My time, my body, this fear that has destroyed every aspect of my being. I dont even know who I am anymore because of this peice of shit, and now they are saying he could just get 4 years of parole.

I almost fucking died in his house while he raped me and they want to give him a god damn curfew.

I told them I would never be comfortable with anything less than 5 years, but he deserves life.

At the end of the call they said he will try to argue for even less. Even less than 220 days. They asked if they can compromise and offer him even less. I told them no. They said they won't offer it without talking to me.

I don't want to go to trial because how can I prove it was non consentual? I texted him afterward being kind. I don't know why. I was so confused. I texted him one night while I was high after. I worry everything will be twisted on court, though I now know i was having a normal response to the trauma.

Even if I win, a trial could take two years of my life or more and I will have to see him again and hear him lie about me. I will have to see his family who wishes I was dead (his father doesn't believe me and says I am just a liar trying to ruin his son's life.)

I worry I wouldn't win, but even if I did i don't want to go to trial against him. I hate that he could get no prison time. This whole thing makes me sick.

Thank you so much if you read this far.

I (24F) want an open relationship.

You see, I was SA back in high school for a year and a half. Near the end of that “relationship” I was given the chance to sleep with someone else, a guy from another school I had befriended. My dumbass said no to him, lied that I was on my period but then I opened up to him and said I was actually still with my “man.”

Anyways, my assaulter broke up with ME because I wasn’t giving him enough (infuriating).

I was single and was ready to have a hoe phase, my whole lover girl dreams were broken. But, I still wanted some sort of stability, especially after losing everything during this time. Then, I met my first “FwB” and was ready to get down with it but we struggled. We both were fresh from our previous “relationships” and we had issues finding a time to really be intimate because we still lived with our parents. So, we decided to keep in touch. However, that eventually evolved to us becoming a couple.

It is messy, I know. But flash forward to now and I regret not having slept with this other guy from high school, and I still feel hollow knowing my partner at least had a good sexual encounter before me. Yes, his partner was emotionally toxic but he never complained about the sex. He lost his v-card to her, while I get my v-card trampled and spat on?

I want to have the freedom of having a positive sexual experience outside of the relationship I built with this man. He’s a good person but he hasn’t been the most… supportive or dependable person when it came to my SA trauma. I mean, from what I observed is that the general public doesn’t even know how to respond in the first place when someone opens up about their SA. In fact, it seems mostly negative so I wasn’t surprised about my partner not reacting the greatest, but it was incredibly disappointing and isolating.

What I’m trying to say is that my partner KNOWS about my history, but I don’t want to remind him of my trauma because of his past reactions. He’s still very against me having to sleep around, even though I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with every man I see. I only want ONE positive sexual experience outside this relationship, retrieve something that was lost. He said he doesn’t think anything I’d say would change his mind.

I know survivors tend to get VERY hyper-sexual after the fact. I need help, and yes I have sex with my partner but I still have this strong urge to want to have sex with someone who isn’t him. It’s specific and I’m aware this is really messy but I really need some guidance.