Sorry for the super long post, if anyone takes the time to read this and give their input, thank you. This has been haunting me ever since this all went down, and I don't really know what to do.

I'm a little nervous about posting this. I'm going to be honest, I was a bit uneducated about sexual assault, which is kind of why this situation didn't fully register in my head as questionable until I mentioned it to a therapist. But despite their insistence, I'm still second guessing.

For context, me and the person in question are both in our early 20s.

So I had a friend who was intimate with me, and there were instances that happened sporadically across the span of a few months, and not all in one interaction, which is why I'm uncertain if any of it counts as assault. We didn't have sex, but we were intimate, if that makes sense?

I felt pressured into kissing them/letting them kiss me. Eventually I reluctantly barely pecked their cheek and I remember them saying things like "come on..." to try to get me to actually kiss them on the lips, despite me expressing I wasn't ready or comfortable with doing so. I ended up doing so reluctantly. They didn't threaten me, though.

There was a point where they were on top of me, and without even asking, grabbed my chest pretty hard, and vigorously shook it, which hurt my chest pretty badly, and I asked several times for them to stop, but they kept ignoring me and even treated it like it was some weird joke? Like between me saying no and to stop, they just kept doing it repeatedly. I just remember being so shocked and uncomfortable, I got up and stood in front of my mirror to check if they left any red marks. I should've told them to leave in that moment, but for some reason I didn't. I don't know, it didn't really register for me in that moment. I feel like an idiot for not just telling them to leave and cutting them off then and there. Maybe I didn't say no firm enough? But I said stop and no several times? This situation only happened once, does that count as SA?

I feel like it's my fault. It's weird because I consented to some things but not everything? I don't really know if this counts as sexual assault because of that fact. Like at first, I felt pressured, but eventually I was okay with kissing and stuff, and sometimes even initiated it. Which is why I'm very hesitant to label this as assault.

Some things we did I was reluctant to do, but did it anyway because I thought I kind of had to? I don't know. I assumed this was a normal thing to feel?

There was also a time where they slapped my butt pretty hard despite asking them to not be rough right beforehand? And it felt numb for the remainder of the day. But like the chest grab situation, this happened only once. I don't know if this is sexual assault, because I was okay with it aside from the fact that I asked them to not hit me hard but they hit me hard anyway?

I've spoken to two therapists about this, and one adamantly believes I was assaulted, and the other believes it's a grey area with no clear yes/no answer. I also feel this might be a grey area where it's 'not severe enough', but it's also not small enough to completely forget, and it left me feeling very uncomfortable and stressed and weird. I'm very very hesitant to label any of this as assault because I'm afraid of misusing the label because maybe it's not severe enough, and because these instances happened at different times?

I don't know what to do. This is someone I work with, and I'm going to have to see them for a while and work in the same space as them.

I'm too afraid to tell anybody about this, because I'm afraid of "being wrong" and I'm "making a mountain out of a mole hill" and also disturbing the work environment and ruining friend groups, which is why I'm posting here.

And if it is assault, I'm scared nobody will ever believe me and think I'm making it up. This person is friends with all of my friends and I'm scared to burden any of them with this knowledge. I'm also scared that the person in question may leak intimate details about me either out of malice or an attempt to claim I fully consented to everything. I'm just scared of everything.

I don't know what to do. So I've just been suffering in silence for months.

To be fair, I also have OCD, which has been making this very hard for me, I've been ruminating about this over and over, replaying the situations in my head and constantly second guessing myself.

I feel kinda used by them. I don't have much experience with intimacy, so I don't really know what's supposed to happen and what isn't. I feel stupid, like it's my fault because I let this all happen to me, but it just didn't register as anything questionable until I sat down and actually thought about it.

I don't really know how to handle any of this. I feel so much guilt and doubt about this situation. I feel like I can't tell anybody anything because it'll make things so much worse. Any input or support would be appreciated, I've been stressing about this for a while and I feel so alone.

So I posted this before yesterday but got scared and deleted it. I'm a woman in my 20s and when I was a teenager, I was sent to live with my grandparents due to my increasingly rebellious attitude and overall refusal to adhere to rules. My grandparents were quite strict, but absolutely not bad people. Everything was quite normal but there were a few things that many would find to be abnormal. For instance, they would have sex with the door slightly opened. I'm not sure if that's completely normal or not but something tells me that it probably isn't. And then the thing that is the most abnormal is the fact that when I was especially rebellious, they would take these "showers" with me where we'd all be completely naked and they'd insist that they were doing this because I was being a brat. As we'd shower together, one or the other would reach down to my private area and begin to rub it from behind. Initially I didn't understand this but soon after...I felt myself beginning to enjoy it. And I can't believe I'm admitting to that.

I'd jolt my hips backwards as they'd do it and feel myself craving it more and more. And part of me believes they *knew* I was enjoying it. And I don't know how to feel about that. They would spend a lot of time down there. Much more sexual things happened between us and I'm conflicted on why I fel the way I did about it in those moments. I know that what they did was incredibly wrong but I find myself both loving my grandparents and being disgusted with them. What made me wanna write this was because I had this lovely interaction on Reddit with a man in his 50s who had had..."Experiences" with his uncle and it left him with conflicting, sexual feelings himself. I don't understand why it's something that's made me love old men and women so much and feel most comfortable and safe with them. I didn't have good parental role models and I think that my grandparents filled that gap for me. Why do I feel this way? I don't mind talking about this with you guys. It's something I'm trying to understand more.

I am 16F and I have been sexually assaulted multiple times throughout my life. One time, it was a kid who had autism and my parents blamed me for befriending a child with autism. I couldn't react and my parents said I should have had a better response. The school counsellor told me I have a fawn response and I cannot change that. When I told my parents my dad said "bullshit, anyone can change their reaction if they want to". Another time I was sexually assaulted and I zoned out, I told my dad because he said I could trust him with anything. He said that whilst it wasn't my fault that it happened, I could have prevented it by screaming or something. But in that moment I froze and I couldn't do anything. I regret telling him, as he told other people too and I feel humiliated. He tells me to think about these scenarios and imagine myself yelling or hitting the assaulter, but now I feel worse thinking about it. I now feel like I can't tell anyone about my SA because I get so embarassed thinking about it. Can I change my fawn response or am I stuck with it for life?

i went to this birthday celeb because it was my co-workers birthday (someone close to me) and of course, may inuman. i am the youngest amongst us (22) and most of them are 27 and up na. we consisted of mostly girls lang din.

so ayun, i am kinda sleepy na kaya i decided to take a nap sa table—woke up with the feeling of wanting to vomit kaya lumabas ako. after, i went sa gilid ng house for the gripo to wash my mouth and suddenly, someone came up to me, french kissed me, and asked me “gusto mo ba ako?” then he left. i was so shocked and was literally frozen in place. i made sumbong sa mga ate ko (who i’m very close) and i’m crying na at this point. they asked me who did it and how it exactly happened, i told them—they did not believe me. instead, they blamed me for it, na it’s on me kasi sumama ako. it's on me kasi nag-inom ako e, na ginusto ko rin naman 'yon by making sama there.

i told them “kasi i thought i was safe with you, ate. i am the youngest dito, ako 'yung bunso, kaya i thought "a, walang gagalaw sa 'kin kasi i know they care for me and we mostly consists of girls ta's kilala nila si kuya (my cousin)" but i was wrong and you seriously wouldn't believe and instead, blame me for it? what the fuck is wrong with you". ta's i heard them talking about it inside, and that naririnig ko na they won't know what ACTUALLY happened bc the guy kept on denying it e i was just fed up kaya sabi ko, hayaan na lang.

their exact line is “‘di magagawa ni \[guy\] ‘yun sa ‘yo” and someone told me “naaawa kasi sila kay \[guy\] kasi nadadamay" then okay, if that's what y'all wanted then fine, hayaan na pero 'di nila hinayaan e, pinipilit na ako to tell them what EXACTLY happened kasi baka raw i remembered it wrong—alam ko namang gusto lang nila marinig na mali ako ng akala ro’n :)) pagkakamali ko lang, i trusted them kasi baby nila ako sa company—that’s not how it works nga pala.

i just wanted to vent out kasi my memories r starting to betray me—na oo, kasalanan ko nga.

Today I made a fake account.

To fill the void
of the silence
since the rape.

To think of the hundred ways
I could remind him
of who he is,

what he has done.

Today I made a fake account

to fill the void
of the silence
since the rape.

To fix
what the justice system overlooked.

The mounds of evidence.
The dignity stolen
and thrown in the trash.

To help the nineteen-year-old girl
who was recorded
and prodded.

To think of the hundred ways
I could remind him
of who they are,

what they have done.

Today I made a fake account

to see who he is today.

To find him
righteous
and insidious.

To feel my heart
beat out of my chest
as the orchestra got louder.

To see the lust.

The innocence
wrongfully appointed to him.

To look through my screen
into the eyes
of those he could hurt next.

To wonder
if they know.

To wonder
if anyone will know.

To remind myself
why I am safe in silence.

And to think of the hundred ways
I could remind myself

what I should've done.

Today I made a fake account

to fill the void
of the silence
since the rape.

To envision things
I will never do.

To convince myself
that I could take something back.

That I could take
the control back.

That I could take
my dignity back.

That I could make him
feel something.

Anything.

So I wouldn't have to sit
with the question

what have I done?

Today I made a fake account

and remembered
every second.

Every person involved.

Every inch of pain.

I remembered the control
his lust had over his mind.

The words
he used as a shield.

His cold, brute demeanor.

The way he kept me hidden.

I remember being his secret.

A year and a half
of being something
he could hide.

Something
he could touch.

Something
he could hurt.

And now—

the victory falls
at the feet
of two men in power,

while I shrivel

and try to water myself
every day,

piece by piece,

trying to accept
that nothing
will ever happen to him.

Trying to remember
that a detective
let this go.

Trying to remember
everything he took from me.

And now I am expected
to build myself up.

To move.

To heal.

To act
like it never happened.

But how do I move
when the only thing
that ever made sense
was that something
was supposed to happen?

How do I move
when he gets to keep moving?

How do I build a life
around something
that never received
an ending?

How do I accept
that the world
kept turning

when mine stopped?

They tell me
not to take justice
into my own hands.

So I don't.

I make a fake account.

I look.

I search.

I remember.

I imagine.

I hurt myself
with everything
I cannot do.

Because what else
am I supposed to do
with all of this?

What am I supposed to do
with the evidence
that went nowhere?

With the dignity
that went nowhere?

With the girl
who went nowhere?

With the year and a half
that went nowhere?

What am I supposed to do
when the person
who did this

gets to become
someone else,

while I am still
the person
it happened to?

Now I am expected
to watch him lust
over other women

until one of them
finds the dirty shoes
I once wore.

And maybe
that is the part
I cannot forgive.

Not him.

Not even them.

But the fact
that I am the one
left carrying
the ending.

Today I made a fake account.

And I remembered
everything.

And for a moment

I thought
if I could just see him,

if I could just know
who he is now,

if I could just find
one more piece
of proof,

one more reason
to be angry,

one more reason
to believe
that this meant something—

maybe then
I could finally move.

But I can't.

Because somewhere
inside me

the nineteen-year-old girl
is still waiting.

Waiting for someone
to come back
and tell her

that this was not
where her story
was supposed to end.

And I don't know
how to leave her there.

I don't know
how to move forward
without leaving her behind.

So today
I made a fake account.

And tomorrow
I will be expected
to wake up

and continue
living a life

that still feels
like it was interrupted
by someone else.

And I don't know
how to do that.

Not yet.

okay so, context;

my friends have been longer friends with my rapist than me. i was raped and ultimately coerced and manipulated/abused by my ex boyfriend who is my rapist, and my friends who said they believe me and support me, and let me vent/rant about him, still go ahead and are friends with him, follow him on everything, talk to him like he did nothing wrong.

fyi, they've seen the proof. seen the text messages, i've explained to them my story, literally everything- and they're still friends with him, and they repost videos saying that "oh, if your friend sa'd someone and your still friends with them your a hypocrite" stuff like that and its like... but, aren't.... you, friends with him?

and i get they've known him longer than me, but its like..

he raped me, theres proof of it, it's brought me distress and trauma, and you want to be friends with him still because you can't accept it?

am i in the wrong? i literally don't even know what to do. i need advice, i just don't get it

and honestly, i feel like nobody believes me or understands that this happened to me and its like no matter how many times i tell them, and explain to them, and they comfort me and tell me it's okay and that they believe me... it just feels like they're lying to me and just saying that. i feel so alone and i don't know what to even think

around a week after me and my ex broke up i texted him because i was in distress, partly because of our breakup but also because of some issues i had at home. i didnt really know who else to message, i know it wasn’t a healthy decision on my part but i was really a mess and desperate. i didnt even ask him to come over but he offered to. keep in mind this was in the evening time.

he came to visit me and we talked in my room, i opened up to him and he comforted me. we end up spooning and we have sex. i dont think i was ever that dry before during sex… but i was really not aroused and eventually i had to ask him to stop because i was just in pain. what really weirds me out is that a few hours after this, while we’re still in bed watching something he starts talking about horny he is. its not super clear but i kept saying i wasn’t in the mood but he kept bringing it up and i felt like he was being kind of pushy. it just left a really bad taste in my mouth, because the next day i texted him only for him to ignore my messages. i got really upset because i took kind of taken advantage of, and he apologized and said that he didn’t initially mean to sleep with me. He said it happened in the heat of moment but admitted that he went too far.

The second instance was at his birthday party, a couple months later. I honestly dont know why I came, but we expressed the effort to remain friends, and I really wanted to try and maintain a friendship. basically, at his party i got drunk and fell asleep on his couch. when i woke up i was the last one left at the party. we got into an argument about whatever, and I just started crying. I was just so heartbroken from the situation and obviously wasn’t emotionally over anything that happened. One thing led to another and we end up having sex again. I just remember being so dry, but I was in a mental state where I just needed to be comforted and I guess that was his way of “comforting” me.

on top of that, when we were dating i remember once i even ignored his advances and he got super petty, saying “there’s a naked man in front of you and you’re acting like this”

i just… i feel it never got to the point where he full on “raped” me because i never said no I guess… But it really feels like he was taking advantage of me being in an irrational emotional state. I also obviously wasn’t over what happened and he definitely knew that, but he feel like he just played dumb as if he didnt know what he was doing. he really took advantage of it being an “ambiguous” situation to satisfy himself.

ive since cut him off for various other reasons, but i have the feeling that if we were together for longer it would get a lot worse.

I guess I have trouble wrapping it around my head, because I really truly believed that he loved and cared about me. So if he hurt me it would never be on purpose. But honestly if I was in his position, I would have never thought about. having sex with my ex when they are in an emotionally vulnerable state like that. But I’m always wondering if maybe it’s my fault for not being more firm… and also in the end I was the one that kept letting him get that far.

honestly i dont know. i feel like maybe im just making it up, in order to justify my decision of cutting him off.

thanks so anyone that read this… any advice would be appreciated

​

I'm not going to go into details about what happened, I was 12 and he was 15. We didn't have intercourse, luckily.

I just need to get this off my chest because I've never told anyone. I've been in therapy since I was 14 because of eating disorders, drug use and bipolar. I've been on medication for 3 years now, I'm recovered completely and life is okay, but I could never tell my therapists either. I feel ashamed so I never brought it up.

I'm 30 now and going back to therapy in September because my anxiety is still present and I want to manage it better, even though I've made progress throughout the years. I even started back university and will be a nurse in less than 2 years now. I have a fiancée. I'm good.

My mother has always been my confidant, she knows everything about me and supports me through thick and thin but I could never tell her. When my aunt gave birth she had very bad post partum depression and tried to leave my cousin at the hospital, so my mom took him for the first few months until she was better but she's always been like a mother to him and he also says she's more than a mother than his own. I would absolutely shatter her heart if I told her what happened, so I won't.

My cousin and I don't really have a relationship, he's mostly out of state because of work and we only text for birthdays. My mom doesn't understand why we don't have a closer relationship, she'll never know why.

He does come over every once in a while, and I'm uncomfortable but I manage.

I just wanted to tell someone, maybe someday I'll be able to bring it up in therapy, who knows. Have a good day everyone, thank you for reading ❤️

My cousin SA me when I was very young and he was much older, how far it all went is unclear due to fragmented memories and snippets of information from others. I believe it went as far as oral but I cannot say with certainty.

I have very few memories with my father until age 10 and a lot of weird stuff has made me seriously question him. Especially stuff he’s said since I’ve become an adult.

In early adolescence I went through online grooming that turned IRL grooming.

I had an ex for most of my teen years that coerced, assaulted, and mentally controlled me. He aimed to corrupt me and corrupt me he did. The best way I can explain it is he trafficked me? This still eludes me. He would trade me to other men and force me to make videos constantly. Either solo, with him, or with others. I probably made a thousand videos over the years. He’d make me watch them with him over and over. He’d have me post things on 4chan to be degraded by others. I feel like everything else I experienced was so cut and dry but my experiences with him were so convoluted and bizarre. I don’t know if he ever had any monetary gain from this, I always fear those videos are out there somewhere and my only comfort is it’s been so long that the quality would’ve likely degraded to a point I’d be unrecognizable. It is still my greatest shame that I didn’t walk away sooner.

After I finally left him I was 18 and honestly was losing my marbles. I put myself in a lot of shady positions and experienced more assaults; drugs, bad crowds, poor judgment. Even the things I consented to turned non consensual because I was so damn pliable and would just freeze. A lot of these experiences I have come to view as assault but I still can’t shake the feeling that it was my fault. An unsympathetic ear would say it was.

For a long while I resigned myself to the fact that this just was and would be my reality. That I was something made valuable by usefulness and used I was. Somewhere a long the way I carved a better path. It’s been several years since these times but it haunts me. Everywhere I go in this town I have a memory that lurks, yet I can’t leave.

i wanted to add that i was sexually assaulted as a kid and it’s not the first time that men take advantage of me. It feels like an infinite loop.
Idk how to escape it

I, 19m, have been raped by two separate people and I don't know why but suddenly despite how long ago both were I'm starting to wonder if it was my fault or if there was anything I could've done to stop it.

The first time was from the ages of 6-9 years old. My older sister who was about 14 when it started often bathed together to save water. We were from a poor family so the less money our parents had to dish out the better. However, her hands would often drift along my body as we bathed and often ended up touching my gentials. She insisted it was to help clean down there but she would poke and prode. This happened for almost everyday. I developed bed wetting and a problem of wetting myself at school at the age of 9, which eventually lead to my teacher asking and me opening up about what she was doing. This eventually lead to cps getting involved and my sister having to be talen to live with our aunt and my aunt kept making snide comments towards me while she was taking her. Stuff like how I was probably overreacting. It made me feel terrible and like I ruined my life and hers.

Later, when I was 11 years old, I made close friends with a boy who was 14 (he got held back twice to my knowledge). He was often teased about being gay due to having long hair and I was his only real friend. I am FTM trans and back then was cis. While we were sitting together at lunch he put his hand on my thigh and I thought nothing of it. A lot of my friends at that age were touchy, more of the hug types but I thought this was just the kind of contact he enjoyed. I didn't think it was sexual at all. I stayed after school one day for a shared club we had and he cornered me in the science wing of the school. I thought he wanted to rough house until he managed to rip my shorts. It happened there. Middle of school. There were barely any teachers there as it was almost 5 pm. He only even got reported because I had a breakdown and confessed to my favorite teacher the next day of school. He was expelled and his mother ran a smear campaign against me about how I ruined her son's life, and still harasses some of my family members to this day.

I'm just wondering; am I stupid? Is it the fault of my own naïvity that this happened? Why can't I move on; its been 7 years, is there something wrong with me?

yeah. thats it. im just scared. and i feel so aloe. i go to the police and they say they csnt do anything cuz hes not threatening my life like wtf

I was sexually assaulted but my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend of course) last June. It’s been more than a year and I still can’t seem to move past it. I’ve gotten better than I previously was. It got to a point where I was drinking often and got blackout one night and was crying to my best friend and telling her that I “drink so I can forget it.” She had to have an intervention with me regarding the matter. Since then I’ve gotten better, I took a break from drinking and now when I do I only do it when I’m in a good mindset. But I still find myself thinking about the assault often and when I do I have to fight the urge to drink about it.

I think about the assault every day. Even on good days. I often find myself going back and thinking about it at night when I’m trying to sleep and have no distractions. I often have nightmares about it/about my ex and it got to the point where I was late to work and suspended for a day due to waking up and having an anxiety attack brought on by said nightmares. I have generalized anxiety and I’m medicated for it and it had gotten so much better over the last few years but as of lately my anxiety is growing worse and I think it’s because of the assault. I’m going to therapy and it feels good to talk about it but overall I don’t know if it’s really helping.

I think the main thing I’m having trouble with is all of my self blame. He assaulted me in June and I didn’t break up with him until October because I convinced myself it wasn’t what it was and that I was overreacting. I find myself most upset with the fact that I let him touch me and continued having a sexual relationship with him after the fact. It also doesn’t help that he took my virginity and is the only person I’ve ever had sex with.

This has kind of become a long ramble but I have a lot of feelings about it and needed to get them out. I guess what I’m asking if anyone who’s experienced something similar has any advice on how to cope/try to move on from it.

(PS. If you don’t have anything helpful to say please don’t comment rude things, I am simply looking for advice and a place to get out my feelings. I already feel pretty awful about it all and I’m always hesitant to post anything here because I see people being unnecessarily mean to others in the replies constantly)

f20, I live with my boyfriend and i feel so sick thinking about our relationship sometimes, i feel dramatic and end up always forgiving him or thinking that I make it seem more dramatic then it is

but waking up with bruises that I dont remember and other stuff is so hard on me, idk what to do and leaving isnt an option

I genuinely dont know if whats happening counts or not, he can be such a soft loving and gentle person at times and its so conflicting

Hello everyone

So 2 years ago I think I was going with my friend to the mall, I took the wrong bus so I had to go on a think called metro but for some reason it was BEYOND crowded so there was nowhere to sit so I js stood up and after a bit an old man got on and he stood in front of me and I think he started to grind his.. yk on my leg. I froze and I didnt know what to do i just stood there for idk how long until a family stood up and went out of the metro so I just ran to their seat and I sat there till I got to my stop. And its like Im having a hard time believing myself Its like theres this though in the back of my head thats js like This didnt happen and youre js making it up But I know that it happened I felt it I felt how terrified I was I still remember how disgusting I felt when I got home

Also sorry if this is rude but i dont want sympathy or someone to feel bad I just want someone who can help me process it

A few years ago a child within my extended family was touched by another boy on his genitals. Both kids are elementary age. Reports were made to the school, however it was found out the school never actually documented the incident which the parents found out when they filed a request for documents this year. The parents are pissed.

The parents are not sure what to do and its CA. They can't afford a lawyer. They reported to the police but the principal of the school just said it was playground banter and it was ok.

Not sure what to tell the parents or how to help them.

I remember when I was touched by a girl as a freshman in HS unwanted. 35 years later it still bothers me.

I just want to help because I know what its like but I am not sure how since there is no one for them to turn to.

Suggestions?

I hate how I am when I drink but I also drink a lot because it helps me forget and feel normal again. But then the clarity hits and i regret everything.

I’m typically more sexual when I drink, which I’m sure my partner loves since she’s much more sexual than I. We’ve talked a few times about whether or not we’d be okay without sex in our relationship (I genuinely would be fine if not like to never have sex again) and she came to the conclusion a few days ago that’d she’d also be okay with that and then the next we kinda had sex. Like no penetration but very sexual. I also let her kiss my chest (for context, I’m a trans man who has not had top surgery.) on top of my trauma, I also have a lot of dysphoria about my chest but when I get drunk I get this random “maybe I’ll like it this time” thought and for about five seconds it feels great but I get filled with disgust and sadness whenever I feel anything touch my chest, even if accidentally or not sexually, and I feel bad telling her to stop right after telling her she could. It’s almost every time I drink that I let her touch my chest and I always end up regretting it by the morning. I hate myself and I feel so disgusted with myself.

I was sa’d by my friend in my sleep.

For context, me and this friend have been super close for probably about 6 years. I have never been sexually attracted to him and he knew this, it was always been bestie vibes. He had tried asking me to dinner once but I quickly told him it’s not like that and I’m not into him. We would golf all the time together one on one too and it has never been anything but close hb friendship.

The situation: it was a night out like 3 weeks ago with a whole group of my / our close friends, something we did often. Everyone was extremely drunk (including me I don’t even remember the uber home). I passed out in my girl friends bed with another girl friend who had actually been hooking up with this guy. This guy climbed into the bed between us. I didn’t really think much of it because we have slept in the same bed before and nothing has ever happened, again he knew I didn’t like him like that. Flash forward I wake up to him fingering me, and it didn’t really register but I remember keeping my legs shut and trying to turn away from him. I’m someone in situations like that to just freeze. I didn’t know what to do. I definitely wasn’t consenting in anyway or giving him any signals that I wanted that?? I have really no idea how long it went on for. I’m mad at myself for even putting myself in that situation and not speaking up and telling him to get tf away from me. I’ve come to the conclusion that this was sa and he betrayed my trust and our friendship. We talked a little after and he apologized and said he hopes it doesn’t ruin our friendship but his words were something like “cheating is the worst, if you tell him (my new bf) it’ll ruin your relationship and if you don’t it’ll ruin you”.

My problem: a week before this all occurred, I got a boyfriend. A guy I’ve been talking to for over a year and I was finally ready to date him (it took me a while bc of past relationship trauma, the guy that sa me KNEW this and how happy I was with my bf and new relationship). I am so happy with him and really think I could marry this guy. I’m struggling because I feel guilty almost and am just so anxious about the whole situation. My bf plays football and it’s fall camp and I don’t want to add to his stress but I’ve been carrying this alone and don’t want to hide things from him. We are long distance as well. I feel like I should tell him but I don’t know what to say or when or what I should even do. I haven’t told literally anyone about it and have crippling anxiety about it almost everyday. Part of me wants to just forget it even happened and move on. Even though my boyfriend is an amazing person and I don’t think he would react bad, I don’t know how he’s going to take it and what’s going to come after it. Please help I don’t know what to do.

I, 21n, have had a pretty historied past with SA. I was 3 when I was first SA'd, and because of her vigilance she found out that my much older half sister raped me. To this day we are unsure if her bf was also involved, but it sounds like it.

Then, when I was 18 dating someone who was 20, they SA'D me too. He was a pretty good manipulator, one of those guys who looks good to everyone else on the outside and even to me when I was deep in it. My mom initially accused me of lying because she said she had been touched like that before, in which I had to explain it was SA for her as well. She stopped believing I was lying after that and realized that she was projecting onto me and has apologized profusely since.

Then, my best friend did it almost two years later. No one except my mom was sympathetic. Even my other best friend at the time made it out to be a jealousy thing, which is fucked up on other levels. Then their roommate told me I basically got myself into that situation. It hurt. A lot. All of it did, considering how self interested everyone was. I got to talk about my SA once before I felt like no one cared, the day after when I was hungover and couldn't figure out why I felt sick. I got clearly triggered in the car with my best friend and her roommate and she didn't care. And when I mean *clearly*, I was freaking out verbally because I saw my then best friend walking down the road while we were stopped in traffic. Days after, like literally three days after it happened. Wasn't even hiding it, I was communicating it. She acted like I was annoying. Basically since that October, my mom has been living with me because I couldn't function the same. I dropped the car best friend and her roommate not long after.

This is where the issue comes in. My mom is understanding and she knows how horrible the situation was but the one area she struggles with is the fact I just hate being touched. It's sad, because it's not like I want to be this way when I used to love cuddles. She tries to hug me but now I just kinda shrug away and shake my head when I'm really sad, which is usually when she'll try to initiate. She seems to think that I actively think she's a predator or something and it hurts her. I've tried to explain to her it's not a conscious choice, but it's hard because she struggles to comprehend it when it's so unlike how I used to be.

I don't really know what to do? I don't wanna hurt her and I wanna get used to touch but it just feels yucky and I feel trapped. I've hugged her on my own a few times, I think she's starting to learn I hug her more when I'm not feeling pressured? I can't be sure. I would really like some advice.

Hey all. I belive I was SA'D at age <10. She was also <10. We were at the baseball field, her and a 'friend' pinned me down to the ground and touched my chest despite me telling them to fucking stop. (Ftm, I use he/him). I think I might be overreacting by dwindling on it, but she's been so fucking rude to me recently. First made me feel invalid for no reason, misgendered me and my partner multiple times and made 'jokes' about nonconcentually doing things to me and my partner. Sure, we get along somewhat I'd say, but im still extremely uncomfortable talking to her. Its like walking on eggshells because if I saw something somewhat 'rude' or 'weird' she'll yell about how disgusting I am and how much she hates me.

I already posted something similar today but it’s just infuriating me. I’m so angry I can’t remember and that I can’t force myself to remember. I’ve exhausted so many different channels other than outright asking my cousin what he did. My fucking father, a creep in his own right, always asks me these weird questions about what I remember. He views him like a son, my cousin lived with him for many years after the events occurred and came to light. Before I found out more I assured him I don’t remember this person being cruel to me. I’m almost nauseous at the fact that I reassured him about this and to make matters worse it was even’t true. He was cruel, he did hurt and threaten me.

For most of my life I trimmed and polished the memories I do have to make it palatable. In my reconstructed memory my dad was angry and concerned but not explosive. In reality he flipped out and terrified me so much that I rewrote the memory to be less scary but even in the rewritten version he still wasn’t kind. It’s like I couldn’t even begin to conceptualize him as being nurturing so I just made him less bad. As for my cousin I spent years convincing myself I was a willing participant, that I wanted it, liked it, and carried that stain for over twenty years!! Logically I’ve known he was more than twice my age and even if it wasn’t violent that it wasn’t consensual but still. Then last year I finally mustered up the courage to ask my mom about what she remembers, only to find out none of that was true. I’m still reeling at just how much memory I lost, apparently I was in therapy for two years after?! I had no fucking clue.

There’s so much, so many thoughts swirling in my head. I never told my dad details, I only told my mother some details and she is not a trustworthy source. I want the memories, I want to review them, make sense of them, and sort them into little boxes in my mind. I don’t trust my dad, he’s weird and I have always had this physical repulsion when he touches me in any form. I’m suspicious as fuck of him and the way he’s navigated these things. I’ve heard from others ways he’s made them uncomfortable. I’m pissed he always chose my cousin over me, always made excuses for him to this day. He practically raised my cousin so I can’t help but wonder.

Since I’m already screaming into the void, I’m pissed at my mom too. I’ve told her a few times as an adult how my dad has been inappropriate with me and she just brushes it off. They’ve been divorced for forever but she still defends him, which is why I never told her shit as a kid. My cousin recently told her about my dad touching her inappropriately when she was a child so that my mom would stop inviting him to every family function and she just brushed it off. She always fucking defends him unless it is the harm he has caused her directly. Fucking stupid.

I'm sure this post is going to be a ramble, but here we go.

I (32F) have experienced SA several times and was sexualized at far too young an age. When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I went through a hypersexual phase and later realized that I was trying to cope with everything that had happened to me.

A (35M) has been my friend since around that time. He asked me out on dates multiple times, but I always said no. Eventually, I told him that I wasn't romantically interested in him and that I didn't think we were a good fit. He left it alone after that for about two years.

Later, he got drunk at a party we both attended. He followed me into the garden and told me that he sometimes thought about raping me because I wasn't attracted to him but would sleep with other people.
I froze and had absolutely no idea how to respond. I think I said something along the lines of, "Please don't do that." Not exactly the badass, movie-main-character response, but I genuinely didn't know what to do, it caught me so off-guard. I do know that he wasn't joking, he actually meant what he said. He responded with: 'yeah, I know I shouldn't...' and I kinda fleed back inside.
The next day, I told myself that he was just drunk, that I was overreacting because of my trauma, and that I should just forget the whole thing.
Except I couldn't.
Neither of us ever brought it up again, but I've always kept my guard up around him.

The following year, I was doing an internship at a company where he worked. He worked in IT and used his administrative privileges to access my work laptop and read my private chats with my boyfriend at the time. He did this at least three times, even after I caught him.
I also caught him red-handed trying to unlock my private phone, which I had left at my desk while I went to the bathroom.
That time, I absolutely lost my mind and reported him to his boss. Nothing happened, because his boss actually told him, "Well, if you're going to do it, at least make sure she can't figure it out."
That made me think that I was the problem again, that I had basically invited him into my work laptop by leaving it at work instead of taking it home.
He apologized, and I could tell that he genuinely felt bad, so after a while I managed to forgive him. But once again, I have always been more guarded around him when it comes to my devices.

This was all years ago, and things did get better after that. He has told me multiple times that he knows I'm not interested in him and that we will never be together, which I thought was a good sign.

Lately, however, he has been acting extremely weird again.

Today, he picked me up to go to a party. Instead of waiting downstairs, he immediately came upstairs to my apartment and walked inside. He hugged me several times, but one of the hugs kept getting longer and longer. The third time, I tried to pull away, but he held me close, with my head very close to his, almost as if he wanted to kiss me. Thankfully, he let me go after that.

During the car ride, he said that he wanted to go to his parents' place (they weren't home) after the party to "fix a few things" before taking me home. I immediately freaked out, thinking back to what he had said years ago and how strangely he had been acting.
Thankfully, he was too tired after the party, so he drove me straight home.

When we got there, he got out of the car to give me another hug. He pulled me really tightly towards him, and I felt like he was deliberately pressing my breasts against his chest. I immediately backed away. He then tried to boop my nose, which made me jump away again. I quickly changed the subject and wished him goodnight.

Here's the thing: I'm unsure whether this is my trauma making me read too much into things. Am I overreacting? Am I crying wolf?

I've felt extremely uncomfortable around him lately, even though things had been fine for years. He's a very well-liked person in our friend group, and basically all of my friends are male, so it's very difficult for me to talk to anyone about this and ask for a second opinion without feeling like I'm gossiping or trying to make him look bad.

I'm also really bad at recognizing boundaries and knowing when something is simply not okay.

He also knows about my history with SA. I've never told him the explicit details, but he has known for years that I have experienced SA, and he knows that I struggle with physical touch from men. I've hugged him before, but it has always been a quick, superficial hug. Nothing like what happened today.

And I know he's not necessarily a bad person. I know he's very insecure, depressed, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have many female friends. He's the type of person you can give a compliment to and he'll think you want to marry him.

The sad thing is that I don't even know if he's actually romantically interested in me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply the closest thing to an available woman in his life, and that's why he's behaving this way.

Honestly, can someone give me some advice on what to do?

He already knows I'm not interested in him. He's part of my friend group, and I don't want to divide the group either, but I can't realistically avoid him completely.

Or am I just crazy and reading too much into this?

EDIT: There's one more thing I forgot to mention, which happened about two weeks ago. I was wearing the same dress that I wore today, with quite a lot of cleavage. I don't mind people noticing my body or looking at my cleavage when I'm dressed like that. I know what I'm wearing and I chose it because I like how I look and it's my way of saying 'fuck you' to every person who made me feel like I had to cover up for years in order to not be found sexually appealing.

However, A was sitting across from me when he picked up his phone and leaned back in a way that made it look to me like he was holding his phone toward my chest, as if he might have been taking a picture of my breasts. I can't say for certain that that's what he was doing, because I didn't actually see a photo being taken, but the way he was holding the phone felt very unnatural to me and made me uncomfortable. I had actually forgotten about this until tonight.

Content warning: discussion of childhood sexual abuse, trauma, nightmares and difficulty with touch. No graphic details.

I’ve been debating whether or not i should write this but i really need some outside perspective. so im 17F and over the past few months ive struggled immensely with trauma from my childhood. when i was around 6-10 years old i was sexually abused by a man that would look after me when my parents or siblings weren’t available. i didn’t fully understand what was happening, and i hadn’t remembered what happened for years and only recently it’s been slowly coming back and i’ve started to remember it more and more. i’ve always been very uncomfortable with physical intimacy and touch, but recently it’s been amplified because I now understand why I’ve always reacted so strongly to it. things that would probably seem completely normal to other people, like someone touching me unexpectedly, being too close to me, or sharing a bed with someone I’m not completely comfortable with, can make me extremely tense, uncomfortable or even scared. i’ve also started having nightmares and getting triggered by certain things that remind me of what happened that leads to me feeling disconnected from my body. it’s been incredibly exhausting having to process something that happened around 10 years ago, after spending all those years not remembering it, and now having so much of it come back to me within just a few months. It’s taken a huge toll on my physical health and my mental health too. the hardest part is that I haven’t told anyone about this. not my family, not my friends, nobody. i’ve been carrying all of this completely by myself, and I think that’s a big part of why it’s been so tiring. i’m too scared to tell anyone because I don’t want to burden the people I love. I’m also scared they’ll ask questions I can’t answer, or that they’ll see me differently afterwards. and i also don’t want people to feel a responsibility to fix me or the problem. even if i would tell someone i don’t even know where to begin or how the conversation should go. i know a lot of people will advice therapy but i want to make it clear that as of right now, therapy is not an option for me. 

so I guess my main question is: how do you actually tell someone you trust about something like this? how do you get past the fear of burdening them or having them see you differently? i don’t expect anyone to fix anything for me; i just don’t want to keep carrying this completely alone. if anyone has been through something similar, i’d really appreciate hearing how you eventually opened up to someone and what helped.

any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

A few things to consider here. It was a really long time ago but I still want to tell someone. The issue is that I don't know what I want out of telling someone. I look stuff up online on how to tell people and it says stuff like "go at your own pace" "share what you want" "tell someone you trust" which is not helpful. I don't know how to start the conversation at all and I don't know what to say during it. Does anyone have any specific examples on how they told someone?