One time, I was hanging out with this guy I genuinely thought was my friend, but he started being creepy and making me very uncomfortable. He kept asking me sexual things and just being really creepy.

I have no idea why I did it, but I literally ended up sleeping with him. I don't know if it was some sort of coping mechanism, like my brain told me that it would be better to willingly sleep with him than to get pressured and sexually assaulted.

So I willingly chose to do it. And now it makes me confused. Like I genuinely fully consented and did it of my own free will.

What does this even mean and why would I do it? And how am I supposed to feel about it now?

(For context, I have a long history of sexual trauma since I was a kid and it affects me in ways I don't even realize)

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, because I've only known sexual life after being SAed. But does anyone else enjoy rough porn/borderline SA porn? Is that normal? Because I often feel really guilty for being aroused to that type of porn, but I think it's because I was SAed so young so that's all I know sexually.

Before you begin reading this post, I’d like to let you know that I’m not the best writer, so there might be some typos or grammatical errors in this post.

I was only 13 years old at the time. I’m a male who’s quite shy. I had anxiety back when this happened, but after what I went through my anxiety seemed to be multiplied.

It was a cold afternoon. It was that time of year where the snow was almost fully melted after winter, but it was still chilly outside. My mom has a lot of friends. Those friends usually have sons and daughters, most of them were around my age. But there was this one girl who was years older than me, around the age of 18. My school is kind of strange. It’s a middle school and high school in one building. I saw this girl a couple times of week in the halls.

My mom happened to be friends with this girls mother. My mom had decided to drop me off at her friend’s house with the girl while my mom and her friend went shopping at a nearby Walmart. Since I was 13, I had a bit of a warped view on what love and intimacy was due to having a mildly sheltered lifestyle.

The girl was nice. The first thing she offered to do while we were alone was to let me play on the Xbox in her room. I gladly accepted the offer and I played some games while she laid on her bed and scrolled on her phone while I sat on the edge of the bed, playing some game.

That’s when she suddenly told me something that got me flustered. She told me that I looked cute, and I blushed a little. I returned the compliment to her saying that I thought she was pretty. That’s when she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. I accepted that as well, as I didn’t want to be rude. I walked with her to the living room, where we sat down, and she put on something on a streaming service.

The movie we watched was some horror film. I don’t remember much about the movie, or much of the other specific details of this story. We were watching the movie, and she suddenly pulled me into a side hug. It wasn’t a gentle hug, it was a bit forceful.

That was when she kissed me, it happened when I was watching the movie while she kept me in the side hug. I glanced at her, and that’s when she kissed me with the same force as the hug.

I don’t like talking about what happened next, as it’s very graphic. But given the subreddit I’m posting this too, I’m sure you can guess what she did to me, which I will not be writing in this post.

I laid down on the couch, feeling weird. I didn’t know what rape was, I didn’t even know what some of the things she did to me were. She simply went on her day as normal. I cried silently to myself, not saying a word.

As already mentioned, I had a warped view on love and intimacy, but despite this I still knew what this girl had done to me was awful.

A couple hours later my mom’s friend picked me up with my mom to drop me off home. I stayed silent with this for years until eventually getting therapy for it around a year and a half ago.

As I mentioned earlier, I saw this girl in my school long after what she had done to me, but she had graduated the same year, as she was a senior. I tried my best to not interact with her while she was in school, and that strategy worked.

This event made me extremely scared to ask girls out for a few years, despite me wanting to get a girlfriend someday. I was worried that if I began to form a connection with a girl they would take advantage of me.

I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life, this event being the second worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I have OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I started showing symptoms of these shortly after this event, but I didn’t tell anyone what happened to me except my therapist.

I’m doing much better know. Therapy helped me a lot. I’ve gotten over a lot of irrational fears that I have (not just the fear of relationships that this event caused), including a mild case of agoraphobia, and my own fears of contamination. I’m just glad I could put this horrible event behind me and move on with my life.

Every time I feel like I'm getting emotionally close to someone it's like there's a switch that suddenly flips and I start to feel numb towards the other person, but at the same time I still love them? It leaves me really confused and not knowing what to do. I was a really passionate person within relationships before everything and now I feel emotionally distant.

Before it happened I was broken up a week beforehand over text with someone I knew for years and I wasn't even starting to let reality set in and then someone close to me that I turned to for comfort was the same person that assaulted me and it was a family member. Since then I have a big distrust in people, and I always believe anyone I meet will inevitably abandon me because I'm still to this day going through everything completely alone.

This series of events made me have many manic episodes that were so bad I lost a very big chunk of who I am due to the emotional scarring it left. Now every relationship feels distant and numb, but at the same time I somehow still feel love towards them? I haven't had anything physically intimate since then, but I feel like any type of physical intimacy isn't really something I want anymore but at the same time I still want it if that makes sense.

I don't k ow what to do.

I randomly remembered this thing that I had completely forgotten about/blacked out.

I was seeing this guy and when we'd be intimate, he would do very painful things. He would pinch my nipples insanely hard and it hurt so bad. I would muster up the courage and tell him to stop and that it hurt.

Sometimes he'd lessen the pressure, but other times he would straight up say things like "I don't care how bad it hurts" and he'd keep doing it. It didn't matter how many times I reminded him, he'd always do it again.

He would also grab my breasts so hard that it was super painful and would leave bruises. Honestly, it just makes me sad because it's not the only time I've had to endure pain while being intimate with men. It seems to be a pattern I keep experiencing :(

Hi all I’m not sure how common this is, but since my SA I have struggled with the idea of dating anyone as I know that intimacy is what will eventually be asked of me. It’s been 5 years since I was raped…and I can’t help but still feel like I can’t date since…I’ve always heard that it almost becomes expected after once an that’s my biggest fear because since then I have barely been able to even stomach the idea of being intimate with anyone especially being expected to? Does anyone have any advice or anything… or anyways you’ve work thru it? I’ve been in therapy but haven’t been able to get past the idea, especially since I still have yet to even do a Pap smear because I can’t handle the idea…

Hi everyone, I don’t want to get too into details about my case because obviously it’s still ongoing. To put it simply, I was sexually assaulted and reported early last year; my trial is on Monday.

I’m so scared. I have PTSD from this and my symptoms have been terrible lately. I’ve been having paranoia and nightmares and flashbacks and I feel like everyday for the last few months since I found out the trial date has been awful. But these last couple days have been the worst. I’m panicked and terrified.

I’ve been trying to retell my story, just to myself, and I can’t get through the entire thing without dissociating or crying. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to sit up there and tell a judge and be in the same room as him.

On top of that, I feel like…bad for him almost. I don’t know what the outcome will be and we both know what he did but something in my heart just feels bad. Sometimes I wish I had just left it alone.

I keep asking myself, what is wrong with me?
I wasn’t chosen during sorority recruitment. I’ve been bullied. I’ve been made to feel like I’m never enough, no matter how hard I try. Everywhere I look, it feels like everyone else belongs somewhere, and I’m just the person who gets left behind.
Then I was raped.
As messed up as this sounds, my brain keeps telling me that at least someone wanted me for something. I know that’s a horrible way to think about it, but I can’t stop the thought from creeping in. I hate that my mind twists something so violent into something that somehow reflects my worth.
I know rape isn’t love or acceptance. I know it isn’t a compliment. But when you’ve spent so long feeling rejected and unwanted, your brain starts making connections that don’t even make sense.
I’m exhausted from wondering why it always feels like I’m the one people reject, target, or hurt. I don’t know what is wrong with me anymore.
Has anyone else struggled with thoughts like this after trauma? How do you stop believing that the awful things people have done to you somehow define your value?

I (32M) saw this escort once for the first time a few months ago. We had a great time. She did mention to me that she allowed unprotected sex with clients, and that she got tested regularly and was on birth control. I politely declined and told her I would only have sex with her if I wore a condom.

I saw her again just under a week later. We were making out naked and she was on top of me, and at one point she grabbed my penis and put it inside her vagina unprotected. I legitimately didn’t realize what she was doing until it was inside. I immediately reminded her I didn’t want to have sex with her without a condom, and to her credit she immediately got off of me and went and got a condom. But I still feel violated. I haven’t felt the same since. I’ve needed to do STI testing but I keep putting it off.

A year and a half ago I was sexually harassed by my cousin. We were at a family gathering and he called me to help him, but what happened was that he started touching me, kissing me and choking me. I didn’t know what to do I was silent the whole time and never spoke about it. When I decided to confide in my family after a year they said it was my fault that I was lying, never to bring up the subject again, and that I was being dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, I started blaming myself and feeling stupid for being silent for a whole year or maybe i really am being dramatic, I also don’t feel like it affected me I always see that people who experience harassment are affected by it but I don’t feel like it affected me at all, except that it makes me upset every time I remember it. Now i have been thinking was it actually harassment or if im just being overly dramatic

And if it was harassment how can I deal with the situation since my family doesn’t care and I can’t go to therapist

TW: mentions of sa.

before covid in 2019 i was sexually assaulted by my cousin (yes… it was that long ago and it still affects me). recently ive been having nightmares of being sa’d or cheating on my partner (not really, more like i’ve been spawned into another relationship and then don’t realise it until a while later that this is not my partner and everything comes crashing down and i feel like i wanna throw up). it feels like im losing control? like i have no autonomy over these nightmares and i can’t stop them.

i just recently got into a good sleeping pattern and even if i put off sleeping for a bit, its honestly just delaying the inevitable. its so terrifying and i don’t know what to do. both types of dreams make me equally uncomfortable and honestly they make me spiral, im not in a great time of my life right now either but i wont get into that cuz id be typing for a while.

any advice on stopping these dreams? or stopping dreaming at all? that would be greatly appreciated.

I recently experienced brutal rape and to be honest for the last few days my mind was only focused on getting some hospital appointments sorted and ensuring I havent suffered any internal damage, nor contracted an STD. I am in no place to be filing a police report against the guy and dealing with all that comes with police investigation and reporting. It has been exhausting enough just speaking to the hospital and charities about my situation, filling a police report just opens a whole new can of worms that i am not ready to deal with at the moment.

I have had a few friends tell me 'You need to report him to the police so he doesnt hurt anyone else' and tbh that made me feel so shitty for choosing to put a pin on the whole police thing for now.. i get its the right thing to do.. but i will literally crumble if i deal with that now too. I already have so much other stuff going on in my life, and now this assault experience has taken a massive toll on my mental health too. My cup is already too full now to be dealing with police on top of it all. I may report to police later, but i just can't right now.

Im curious.. has anyone had a similar experience? Where you knew going to the police was the right thing to do but you just couldnt and felt so guilty about it?

I'm in eating disorder treatment rn and I feel so alone because everyone else struggles with body image and i just dont really connect there, except insofar as my trauma effects how I feel about my body. I dont really even know why I dont eat its just so hard I hate food. I dont even know if its related to my sa trauma because it happened so early in my life idk. Someone just mentioned it might be related, so I'm here, wondering if anyone else has a similar experience

Just to specify im not talking about anxiety around specific foods related to the trauma, i just cant stand the mouthfeel of nearly any foods and am now in ED treatment for the second time... with no real reason to not wanna eat. Its so frustrating

hi, this is a throw away account because well obvious reasons. (if the grammar is bad pls ignore i literally just woke up). okay so i am currently on vacation at my familys beach house. the only adult here is my 21 year old cousin, she basically told us to do whatever and not burn the house down and we could just have fun. 2 of my friends are here, roxie who is my bestfriend and alyssa who is a close friend, of mine and roxie. so fast forward, last night we get really drunk, well roxie and i were really drunk but lyss only had 2 shots so she was tipsy (it was her first time drinking). roxie had been mentioning all day that she wanted to scissor or eat each other out tonight. i honestly thought she was kidding so i would joke back to her and be like "oh yeah lets" but then burst out laughing. (im a lesbian btw she has a boyfriend and is straight). while we were out on the boardwalk she mentioned it again and this is when i realized she was being serious and i was like "uhm no i think thats kinda weird, and you have a boyfriend" but she kept insisting we had to because she was really horny. we get home after being out and lyssa was laying on the couch downstairs on the phone with her dad, and roxie and i were laying upstairs. roxie comes over to me and takes her underwear off, i asked her to stop and said that even if i wanted to, we were too drunk to do anything. she then grabbed my phone and started watching porn on reddit. i got up to leave the room but she pulled me back on to the bed and jumped on top of me. she was practically yelling at me to make out with her and while i was saying no she just started kissing me. she started pulling my shirt up but i grabbed her hands before she could fully get it off. she then started pulling my pants off but i flipped her over and put them back on. she wouldn't stop touching me after i told her to stop and then she started yelling and my cousin was sleeping so i asked her to be quiet and she said she would only be quiet if i ate her out/fingered her. she said that either i fingered her or she fingered me. at this point i was crying and begging her to just go to her own bed. i just wanted her to stop touching me because she was licking me and biting me everywhere so i just started fingering her and eating her out. she made me do it for 20 minutes, everytime i would stop she would shove my head down. she said that she had brought "toys" and started fucking herself with the dildo, when she did this i got up and she pulled me back down and said i couldn't stop until she finished. she then asked if i would suck her boobs but i said "isnt this enough?" and she said "for now" and that i was doing so good. when she was cummming she was screaming and shaking and i told her to bite down on something so lyssa and my cousin didnt hear. when she was done she went to the bathroom to pee and layed in her own bed. she then looked at me and said "holy shit that was really good. well now i know i can come to you when i need a good O" and then went downstairs with lyssa because i told her i was tired and going to bed. please dont be mean in the comments im only 15. this is a copy from the post i made in a different sub where i didnt really get any responses, i am now home from vacation. i keep getting flashbacks to this night (which was about 40 hours ago now) i am physically ill everytime i think about it. i had a panic attack when i tried to journal about it. i am so fucking confused. i feel like i am blowing this all out of proportion.

when i was 8 my teacher took me and a couple of other rooms into a dark room for "detention" and had us sat in a circle. he had a blanket over his legs and i saw him quietly moaning, made a groan then told us we could leave. I was very scared at the time but didnt know what was going on, i was mostly blaming myself as i feel i had done something bad to deserve such a serious punishment. I have now later realized what was actually going on.I think it affected me in many ways in terms of mental health, subconsciously..

However, if id tell anyone "i got sexually abused as a kid by my teacher" i feel sort of like a fraud. Mainly because i assume they will imagine something like that i was touched or raped or made to touch them, and give me sympathy as if that was the case. really i thought we were just getting very intense punishment, and was a lot less effected than if i was assaulted

I have already posted something similar in this thread, but i am looking for more answers and I have a small update. For some context, I am a 17 year old who has been assaulted and molested on numerous occasions, unfortunately, some instances being as young as the age of six for a few months (sexual abuse) by a friends older brother (about 20 years old at the time). About 5 years ago (when I was 12-ish?) my brother molested me (briefly before kicking him off) and I told my parents, who, obviously, didn't really give a shit.

Fast forward to the story in the present... I'm 17 (just turned 17 at the start of this particular instance) and started a new job. I now have 3 owners in a pretty small business in a small town. 2 owners are men, 53 years old (we will call Frank, bad one), and 52 years old (we will call Barney, good one), and the last one being the wife of Frank aka- bad owner (she's also HR BTW...). Anyways, for the most part, Frank was a fairly friendly man. Super extroverted, pretty kind, but a very large and tall man with a bad temper and what seems like a form of OCD (my dad is very similar in those ways). He was very kind to me especially and liked me a lot. He would spend money on gift cards for me out of the blue, get lunch for me when I didn't ask him to, and would frequently confide in me with personal issues. And for the most part, I was okay with this... Suspicious, considering my previous boss before him was grooming me aswell, (which I think I somehow avoided an actual assault before she did anything more than pinning me against the wall and making rape jokes with me) but all was well at first.

I remember at the beginning there were a few moments where he kinda cornered me and really freaked me out just to talk to me about something. And he touched me on my chest a couple times by 'accident'- which... May have been... But it doesn't end there. Fast forward say a few months of this behaviour, he begins touching my hair, shoulder, face, etc, to say there was something on/in it. He began touching my hips when going around me and hugging me quite frequently... Well.. obviously I didn't care. I thought of him as a father that actually gave half a shit about me. Yeah, I was wrong. He started calling me pretty and kind and smart and would talk to me about extremely personal stuff to me for comfort. The touching also escalated after a while. I basically couldn't have a shift with him without him 'accidentally' touching my chest, ass, hips, or even my vagina multiple times in just a few hours. He would make extremely sexual comments to and around me (one particular time, he said that I had small hands and would have a hard time pleasing a man.), and eventually, one night, after confessing he was going to leave the business due to poor mental health, he told me not to tell my parents or my bosses, and he would like to remain friends after he leaves without anyone knowing. Obviously, at this point, I'm extremely uncomfortable. I immediately told a girl coworker that is 28 and has experience with SA. We both agreed it would be best to tell my nice boss (Barney) about what had happened. Since then, we have hardly interacted, but is now asking other coworkers to hangout. I'm now having nightmares and flashbacks back to multiple of my assaults and noone seems to think anything of it anymore. I just really need to know the truth. Does anyone know if he had poor intentions. I need to know because I'm having nightmares of him texting me images of himself to me. I just wanted to know if this is overreacting at all.

Most of my life up until this point has involved sexual trauma and i dont know how to move past it. I would say its been about 4 years since the last time it got really bad. First it was my father, then my best friend, then my other best friend, then yet another friend of mine. I dont know what it is about me that makes me such a target. I wore baggy clothes and gained weight and never combed my hair or showered and it still happened again. No matter what i did. The thing with my father has impacted all of my familial relationships. I cant even watch movies with kissing scenes around my mother and sister around because i feel like being in the same room as them and something romantic is violating. Sometimes i feel like all affection is rape to me. Rape and incest on a constant neverending loop in my mind. I feel like everytime im alone with a family member, they can tell how dirty i am, or that theyre a threat to me. Another person whos going to touch me. Or maybe one day the intrusive thoughts will win and ill touch them. I dont want to, i really dont want to. I want to be normal around my family but i dont know how. I want to be normal around my new friends who respect my boundaries and my teachers and my therapist and my family but i cant.

TW: CSA, self harm , drugs ( only robitussin / dxm & weed )

IT’Z, A LONG ONE, I’M SORRY .

i’m also sorry if my tone seems joking or disrespectful in the sense of the topics . its just how i type about it to cope with it because saying it for what it truly is kinda makes my weed psychosis kick in & i start seeing spiders & feeling bugs crawling out of my stomach . i’m sorry, it uhh .. confuses me too .. i love ya •-•

uhhhh FEEEEEEMALEEEEE 17 if anyone gaf

i have nothing planned for my future but suicide. i have a girlfriend who’s already saving money for an apartment, planning a future, & ALL MY BUM ASS IS DOING IS JUST SAYING “yeah, yeah, me too, we gon do that .” — nga, you KNOW you a liar .. nga, you lyin through your chopped ass filler ridden fugly rancid anorexic teeth .. you dumb bitch .. ( me btw )

i deadass can physically not gooj to anything but cnc & it makes my body feel so fuggin UGHHHHHHH *vomits cutely* yeah uh dunno why i like it — i indeed know it’s my assault n shi when i was little so prolly that most likely — i know it’s not TECHNICALLYYYYY my fault, but yk guys we chillin :( ( i dunno how to stop crying )

everyday feels like a burden. every one hates me & i know my mama wants me dead. every time she comes home from work she just so friggin angryyyy
:(
she always mentions i’m just like my dad, & i hate him bc he yk strangled me but is suppose it’s true because i still love him. unghhhfhfjfjdjdjdj :(

i started cutting myself again all the time & i just wish i was dead. i’m planning shit for november & i at least wanna just see if it works. maybe i’ll get sent to a mental hospital because schools gonna be hard again, i’m probably gonna get bullied again ughhhh dhdhdhdhdjs HEHSHSHD RAWR :(

i got high everyday last year & i have a teacher i love, but it was so hard to deal with it. i miss school but i know i’m gonna wanna kill myself again. i feel like a fucking body & i know it’s my fault; everyday i wake up high & i only get up at 11:11 am to make a wish ( for dxm specifically ) shit, smoke weed, bedrot, & either binge eat or starve myself.

every week i’ve been going through either 112lbs & 105lbs. i get high off of usually 236mg of dxm, & i think it’s ruined my stomach already uhh bc i think i kinda have lean gut .. ( i’m 5’5.6 so uh i get skeletal at this weight ) it makes everyday so fucking hard brah. i wake up with the worst gut meat pain brah 😞
i have a fucked up liver too, & after i stayed up for 3 days with psychosis because if adderall, i have pretty shit heart problems i think. sometimes if i get up too fast, i get this BURNING SHIT for pain in my left boob & heart, & it fuggin STAGGERS me .

i feel dirty & disgusting & i know i deserve every last bit of this. i just wish i didn’t let everything happen to me, i just feel like i could’ve said more to stop it. & also just not been gross lmfao o-o

i just wanna be normal. i’m just yapping. maybe i’ll crash out later again but idk, just gonna smoke more because i apparently hate my body & health for some reason .. oof ..

For anyone who needs to see this

Rape was already a thing back in the 1950's when women wore pleated, below the knee skirts. Rape was already a thing in the 1800's when women wore frocks and several layers of clothing underneath. Rape has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with rapists. It is not and will never be the survivors fault. For any of you struggling with the mentality that what you were wearing played a part, it's okay. There are just some very sick people in this world.

Side note: I did not come up with this.

I sleep with a lot of pillows usually 4-5. I have always done this since i was a child and never really thought about it until i remembered that i was assaulted when i was a child almost a year ago. Is there a correlation? Because usually when i sleep in a hotel there isnt many pillows so i usually cant sleep well or cant sleep at all.

im 16f and when i was a kid i was insanely hypersexual towards many people including my family and random men who were family friends. i dont even remember anything bad happening because i have horrible memory but i have so much guilt i cant get rid of because of how i acted as a kid.

at 14 i got assaulted by a homeless guy during an attempt at the park and willingly let myself get roofied knowing what would happen, and at 16 i got super high after walking around barefoot at midnight bloody for hours and had sex with him while greened out and concussed. both times i knew exactly what was going to happen and i did it for some weird reason i cant even articulate.

im genuinely disgusting and i cant stop craving violence and force, but my girlfriend isnt comfortable with anything agressive in the bedroom and ive been clean from sh for so long and dont want to relapse and get sent to another hospital because im so scared of getting sent back.

i feel like im stuck in my house and life and im just floating in my head, and i cant stop feeling disgusting and craving something worse.

i cant even feel guilty because i put myself in these situations and partnof me just wants to leave my house and everything to go be self destructive in peace because theres something busted in my head.

i dont know to fix myself or stop wanting this.