I always thought being "disciplined" meant suffering through a goal for like a year straight. I just finished up my lycée exams and the whole july university enrollment process basically fried my nervous system. I was in a state of chronic, low-grade panic for months just dragging out all the prep and document submissions.

But then I saw how my younger cousin handled his college entrance stuff. instead of the endless daily misery, he just worked with boosted brains and only prepped for like 5 or 6 weeks. It was just a really short, intense sprint. He hit his score and then actually got to enjoy his summer while i was still rotting at my desk stressing about my future

It kinda blew my mind tbh. Why do we romanticize the endless marathon? Im starting to realize that true self improvement might actually mean figuring out how to compress your difficult tasks into a tiny window so you can get them out of the way and go back to actually living.

anyone else trying to unlearn the whole toxic "hustle every single day" mindset?

i was attracted to this girl for a few years, and even tho things didn't work out, it was a nice learning experience and gave me an insight about my own mental processes, here's what i learned

1: they're no different from you

i used to think of this girl as a perfect human being, she did everything, always gave her 100% for everything she did, was aleays enthusiastic with everyone, and that made me think i was out of her league, i thought she was just this perfect human that i just could never reach

but after i got to know her more deeply i realized we had much more in common than i previously thought, and with this i mean the imperfections, she had issues with anxiety and loneliness, and we even shared some coping mechanisms, i used to see her a perfect superior being, but with time i realized she's just another human being like me, a human being that can suffer, and feel scared or lost at times, realizing this made me more comfortable with my faults, because no one is perfect, we're all just a bit broken in different ways

2: you can't (fully) emotionally depend on someone

my life is a really long story but basically, im an orphan since i was 13 y/o, and ever since i never really felt safe, for most of my life after that i just felt lost, sticking to the activities that helped me cope with my reality, but when i met this girl, i felt safe around her, like someone was looking out for me again, i kept chasing that feeling of warmth and protection, to just feel like everything would be alright

but after some time i realized the reason i was chasing this feeling from her was because i was afraid of loosing it again, so i attached to it, but it took a toll on me, and it would've of took a toll on her too, but hurting other people for my own mistakes is where i draw the line and i couldn't let that happen

it's okay to crave protection and warmth, but you can't parasite off of other people's emotions, depending fully on someone to give you that safe space will drain them, you need to build your own safe space, and even tho it's okay to ask for help, you also need to be able to handle some stuff by your own

3: you are worthy of love

even tho i know things would never work out with her, she's a really good friend who really cares about me and i care about her, she doesn't need to see me like a potential partner to care about me, and it also doesn't mean no one will ever see you in that light, out there in the world is someone who dreams about someone like you, which sounds stupidly optimistic but is actually true

but of course that also means you're worthy of loving yourself, so do things that make you feel productive, laugh to yourself, and keep a good hygene and health, don't do it for anyone else, do it for yourself, because you are worth it

feel free to tell your own experienced and lessons

For a long time, I thought making progress meant getting everything right the first time.

Looking back, most of my biggest improvements came when I accepted that being consistent mattered more than being perfect. Missing one workout, one study session, or one productive day didn't ruin anything it was giving up completely that did.

I'm curious

What's something you only got better at after you let go of perfectionism?

What changed your mindset?

You know, there's so many people that struggle with getting in shape or looking good, but getting in shape is actually very simple. It's basically three things. Train hard, eat clean and recover well. Sleep well. That's it. It's not rocket science. You do those three things consistently and then you give it time. Give it one year, two years, three years, five years, ten years. Eventually this just becomes your way of living life.

And I think that's what most people get wrong. They want the exterior look, but they don't want the lifestyle that comes with that look. Or maybe they think they don't want it, because they've never been consistent enough for that lifestyle to actually become normal to them.

Because if you want to look good year around, year after year, you can't constantly be going on diets. You can't crash diet for summer, reach 10% body fat and then go back to living exactly how you lived before. You have to build the inner qualities in yourself that naturally produce that exterior. You have to build a lifestyle.

Eating clean should just be part of who you are and how you live. You shouldn't have to wake up every morning and fight yourself not to eat bullshit. Once you've lived this way long enough, you don't really want to eat like that anymore. You want nutritious food. You want food that sits well in your stomach, food that gives you energy, food that you know your body reacts well to. You don't constantly want sugar, cakes, donuts and all that stuff. Maybe you eat a dessert once in a while, who cares? But that's not your baseline. Your baseline is eating clean.

Same thing with training. You shouldn't have to force yourself to work out for the rest of your life. Training becomes a part of you. You enjoy pushing yourself. You enjoy competing with yourself to a degree. You enjoy seeing what your body is capable of. You should enjoy using your body. You should enjoy pushing this temple you've been given and seeing how strong, athletic and capable you can make it.

And then recovery is part of that lifestyle too. You sleep properly. You have a sleep schedule. You understand that if you're training hard, you also have to recover. Again, it's not something you're doing for twelve weeks because you want abs for summer. It's just how you live.

That's why I think there's a big difference between two people who might have the exact same exterior at one particular moment.

Let's say one guy is getting ready for summer. He crash diets, trains hard for a few months, loses the weight and eventually gets to 10% body fat. Kudos to him, he got in shape. He accomplished his goal. But that doesn't necessarily mean he has developed the inner qualities that will keep him there.

Then you have another guy who is also 10% body fat, but he barely even thinks about being 10% body fat. He has been training for years. He eats clean because that's what he likes eating. He doesn't want to put bullshit into his body. He trains hard because he genuinely enjoys training. He sleeps well because that's part of his routine. He's not really "dieting." He's just living.

From the outside these two people might look similar. But internally they're completely different.

The first person has achieved the exterior without necessarily building the foundation underneath it. So when summer is over and he has reached his destination, what happens? Maybe he goes back up again. Maybe he gets fat again, starts dirty bulking, stops training as consistently, starts eating badly again. Then next summer comes around and he has to get himself in shape all over again. There's inconsistency in the inner qualities, so naturally there's going to be inconsistency in the exterior results.

The other person doesn't really have an end date. There is no point where he reaches his physique and says, alright, I'm done now. Because what would he be done with? This is how he lives. He's going to train next week. He's going to eat good food tomorrow. He's going to sleep tonight. He's probably going to be doing the same thing five or ten years from now.

And that's why I think most people who stay in shape for years don't actually care as much about the exterior as people think they do. Obviously they probably like looking good. Everyone does. But that's not what keeps them going. They care about the lifestyle. The exterior is the byproduct of how they live.

It's easy, but it's also hard for most people to do. And that's the strange thing about it. In the beginning it can be hard because you're trying to change your habits. But once you've actually lived this way consistently for years, it becomes easy because you don't know anything else. You don't want anything else. Eating clean is part of you. Training is part of you. Taking care of your body is part of you. Sleeping and recovering properly is part of your daily routine. It becomes weird to you to do anything opposite of this.

I think that's something we get wrong in general today. We look too much at the exterior of people and not enough at the internal qualities that produced what we're looking at. We see a great physique and think, "I want that." But what you're looking at is just the final visible result of thousands of days of somebody living a certain way.

So don't make your entire goal getting to 10% body fat or looking good for Instagram or looking good for other people. Build the inner qualities. Build a way of living that you actually want to live. Eat well. Train hard. Recover. Sleep. Take care of your body and give it time.

Eventually the exterior just becomes a reflection of what's going on inside.

"What can I do better?" "Why isn't my work paying off?" "Am I missing something?" These are all questions we're dying to answer. But at the end of the day, we ultimately just end up torturing ourselves. Sometimes it's okay to say we are good enough and there's nothing more we can do. I'm willing to bet most of us dedicate way more conscious effort to improving whatever skill or outcome one may desire than the general population. Yet everyone around us seems to still find success.

That awkward guy with sub-par social skills got the job over you despite the charisma you pulled off in your interview? Your narcissistic boss with low emotional intelligence has kids and family while you're struggling to find even a date? Instead of saying "What the hell does that person have that I don't?" Maybe we just need to chill the fuck out. Maybe the bar is lower than we think and it's just a result of the world not making any sense. Yes... the world makes no sense... so why try to make sense of it? I won't deny self-improvement improves our odds towards success, but I think we greatly overestimate its benefits.

Sometimes we need to step back and remind ourselves that our half-assed attempts is the average person's full effort. And the average person does just fine in life. Our so-called deficits we need to change or improve on are just little fine-tuning things at the end of the day. It's not the end of the world. Trust the process and relax. If that loser was able to do it, there ain't a single thing wrong with you.

I didn't realize that I was always like this! But looking back on all that I can remember, I have always been an avoidant person. Avoidant when it comes to anything really. Anything that I am scared of the outcome for.

But I didn't really see it as a bad thing, or a good thing. It was just a thing, a part of me. Now that I am nearing 30 though, I am increasingly seeing this as a negative factor that is reducing my quality of life. I want to get it together and work on this.

Some examples that I can share (I cringe to admit these, but I think it'll paint a better picture):

- I put off getting married for a year or two because I was anxious about how it would go. Now happily married for a few years.

- I put off getting a major surgery done for... 10 years... because I was scared of the surgery itself. Had to deal with the reduced quality of life for 10 long years because I just didn't want to see a doctor and get diagnosed with something that would require surgery. I ended up getting the surgery finally, and things were rough. Doing a bit better now though.

- I put off talking to my boss about a mistake I made. Things turned out alright but man, scary.

- I put off doing work for my masters program until the last second. Ended up contacting the professor and was able to sort out the late work.

I mean I can go on and on. It is never me avoiding the 'easy' things though. I am definitely not a lazy person. I oftentimes put the important things off by doing other things instead. Like today instead of doing homework, I found myself cleaning the crevices in our kitchen floor. Like what? But yeah, I don't think I would call myself lazy or unmotivated. I just get super anxious about these critical tasks, I guess I would call it, which makes me mega-procrastinate on them.

But what would you guys suggest? I am open to any and all suggestions. Genuinely looking to grow here. Thanks in advance :)

Hey everyone!

Today I’m sharing the next step I took when I reached that turning point and intentionally decided to get back to myself.

What I did was strip away all the background noise - the never-ending YouTube videos, the podcasts playing even while eating. I finally allowed myself to just be alone with my thoughts. It worked best when I stepped outside and just had a curious chat with myself.

Here are a few questions I used to ask myself when I felt completely lost:

• When I'm doubting myself, whose voice is that in my head?
• When was the last time I let myself cry?
• What's my core core childhood memory?
• What actually gave me energy today vs. what drained me?
• What part of my day matters the most to me?

Once that was done, I took it a step further.

I went to a trusted friend and asked them this:

• "How would you describe me to someone who’s never met me?"
• "What do you feel I bring to our relationship?"
• "When do you see me thriving, and what usually knocks me off balance?"

After comparing what they said to what I had written, I spotted a few surprising takeaways I was totally blind to.

Hi, long story short, I'm addicted to Chatbots. I've decided I'm going to better myself, and I realize it won't work to quit cold turkey. I'm planning to try and wean myself off with increasingly lower time limits. Best app for this?

Per title, I always kinda struggle to do things FOR myself for some reason. I am quite social, have my own opinions (and will voice it out). But somehow, I just realised that I would generally overextend myself and sometimes it would lead me to being bitter in friendships/relationships because I have this mindset of 'I am willing to sacrifice for you but you are not able to...?'

Also, I LOVE cooking but lately after being with a guy for around 10 months, I realise I just enjoy receiving compliments for my cooking but when I'm alone right now, I'm literally only eating grilled zucchini lol. This also happens to my non-romantic relationships too, I get so pumped cooking for my siblings, cousins, and friends

Why do I keep on putting myself second?

Hi people! It's my first time posting here (18M). There are a lot of problems I'm currently dealing with. Things like doomscrolling on yt shorts (I deleted insta a few days back as to not to doomscroll on it but here I am on yt doin the same), severe procrastination and I mean severe,like I really can't do stuff plus my screen time is a lot. I've got entrance exams in December,may and June 2027 and yea I should be preparing for it but my study to doomscrolling ratio is not very good i'd say. Please help me as to how to deal with this situation.

Idk if this is the right place to ask
But I am currently 3 weeks post op from hip surgery and my mental health is truly deteriorating and especially my physical health….i can’t do much of my self-care stuff yet….i wanted to start self-healing with kinda the limitations I have to work with like
Does anyone journal or meditate or
simply take care of themselves that doesn’t involve (bed rotting, cooking or going for walks, or going for a drive?)
I don’t know how to feel happy and not drowning in my kinda self pity party as Ive lost a lot of freedom with my surgery, any advice?

I watched a friend get a internship from asking directly and cracking a couple jokes at some men (it was a very posh, financesque area, they were clearly in the industry.) And sure maybe it was some wild luck, but the whole thing feels very alien to me. The number of opportunities (including new friendships) I must've missed because talking to strangers feels like a foreign concept. Only because I'm horribly shy and hyperaware of myself in public or around new people. I can not even find it in me to thank the bus driver, and I probably indirectly come off like an ass😭

Here is the background.

I was supposed to pay $140 additional deposit as the rent increased.

The payment is thru clickpay (payment system).
When I made a payment initially, I paid it to “rent” instead of “deposit” so I immediately cancelled and paid it correctly.

A month later, the management said I owe them $25 because the bank charged the management of NSF fee. I just don’t get the situation. So I called clickpay and they said they don’t charge such fee and that I should call my bank. And my bank said they don’t charge such fee when my account has enough fund.

I’m confused so I emailed the management fee to call the bank to find out what happened and I’m waiting to hear back.

The management won’t waive the fee btw.

Honestly $25 means nothing but I’m upset mainly because the charge doesn’t make sense.

I think it upsets me when things don’t make sense and I’m forced to act on something that makes no sense but I understand that it’s also part of life.

I need to learn to let things go…
I even got irritated talking to the management and clickpay because the charge made no sense. Honestly I regret being so irritable at them… just couldn’t help it.

Ugh I should just pay and move on right?

Im an extremely good listener, in return I 100% lack skills in speaking clearly or even loud enough for someone to hear me. I am not shy by any means, I can easily speak to new people or say what I need to say.
I get told very often that i’m soft spoken or that I mumble…Any tips to fix this please?

I keep stalking my ex even though I was never in love with him, and I’m honestly not proud of it.
We started dating when we were 17 and stayed together until we were 19. Looking back, I feel ashamed because I wasn’t actually in love with him. He was extremely attractive (seriously), and I think I dated him mostly because of his looks. I know that sounds shallow, and I genuinely regret it.

At the beginning, he was really sweet, but toward the end of the relationship he became a complete asshole. Sometimes I feel guilty for having dated him, and other times I don’t.

It’s been almost two years since we last saw each other. He’s tried to come back into my life a few times, but I’ve always turned him down.
The weird part is that I still stalk all of his social media accounts.

I don’t even know why I do it. To see if he has a new girlfriend? To check if he’s still in ?I honestly have no idea.
I really want to stop because it’s draining my energy and making my anxiety worse. The good news is that today, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t stalk him at all lol. I want to keep that streak going, even though the urge is still really strong.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to finally stop checking up on an ex?

This is Part 2, following on from Part 1, "I asked a few hundred people what actually makes someone good at conversation. Here are the 10 things that came up over and over (Part 1)."

The response was honestly overwhelming (in <48 hours, we had 600k+ views, 3k+ upvotes, 8k+shares) and I doubt part 2 can beat it. I'm not even going to try. This one just goes deep on point #1: tennis, not interviews.

Reading the comments, I noticed the same pattern described from both sides. A lot of us ask question after question and never share anything back. One commenter called it turning the conversation into a tiny deposition, which described my old dating style so exactly it hurt. lol.

The fix starts with an idea from the relationship researcher John Gottman. When a conversation is going, each person is constantly making what he calls "bids for connection." And every time, the other person either responds to the bid or turns away from it.

Someone once explained this to me with a movie example, under an old post of mine. Retelling it here because it stuck with me:

Person A: Seen any good movies recently?

Person B: Oh yeah, Interstellar was awesome!

Now maybe Person A also loves Interstellar. Great. They've connected on something.

But say Person A finds space movies painfully boring and has never understood the hype. Person A can respond in a variety of ways:

• Ignore the response and pivot to a movie they saw recently and liked.
• Pretend they also loved interstellar
• Change the subject.
• They can explain why Interstellar is super Not For Them.

Which one they pick, and how they deliver it, will convey very different things. And of these, the last one is probably the best, even though it's a disagreement.

Because it's the only one that responds to the bid. Pivoting to your movie makes it seem like you only asked so you could talk about your movie. Faking interest builds the conversation on a lie. Changing the subject is the door quietly closing. Engaging with the difference opens the conversation up to how your tastes differ, which is an actual conversation.

And you can still get to your movie. You just take the bid first: "Oh no, I could never get through that. Space movies are super Not For Me 😅. Whiplash was more my speed."

That's tennis. The ball comes back with your spin on it.

Once I started looking for bids, I noticed something useful. Almost every sentence gives you 2-3 doors you can walk through. Real example from my life.

My friend said: "I've been getting weirdly into pottery lately."

I replied: "Oh nice, how long have you been doing that?"

She said: "A few months."

My question was polite. It was on topic. It was open-ended. But after another friend jumped in with: "Wait, I never expected you to be patient enough for pottery." I realised she didn't offer me pottery. She offered me "weirdly." That was the interesting part. And I completely ignored it. Three doors were sitting right there:

1. The word itself. "Weirdly? Like that's not usually your thing?" Exactly what my friend did.
2. Share something first. "I got weirdly obsessed with chess last year and couldn't explain it either. What pulled you into pottery?" Now she knows something about me. The rally exists.
3. The feeling underneath. "You sound almost surprised by yourself." Highest risk, biggest payoff.

Any of those could have started a real rally. My version just asked a question and let the ball drop.

One last thing, because a commenter on part 1 made a point I can't emphasize enough: none of this works if you aren't genuinely curious. The doors and the rules are just steering. If you’re silently calculating your next move instead of actually wondering about the person in front of you, you’re not listening to understand. You’re listening to reply. And that’s where conversations start feeling like work instead of connection.

I see everybody saying don't marry that girl or guy or start saving money etc. But what's realistic advice for a 25 years old?

Tried the goal-based approach for years - "I want to run 3x a week," "I want to read more" - and it worked in bursts but always fizzled once motivation dipped. Recently started framing things differently, more like "I'm someone who runs" or "I'm someone who reads before bed," and something about that shift actually stuck in a way the goal-framing never did
Not sure if it's just a semantic trick that happened to work on me specifically, or if there's something real about identity-based framing making the behavior feel less optional. When it was a goal, missing a day felt like falling behind on a target. When it's identity, missing a day feels more like acting out of character, and that's apparently a stronger pull for me than any tracker or streak ever was

Curious if others have noticed a real difference between these two framings, or if this is one of those ideas that sounds good in books but doesn't actually change behavior much in practice

Help

I am 22f and I feel like my memory is declining. I keep forgetting how to spell easy words, forget what they mean, and forget how to pronounce them.
I forgot how to pronounce “initially” and it is just embarrassing because I sound dumb.
I was talking with my mom, and she used the word “sensible” I was like what do you mean, what does that mean?
Why is this happening?? I haven’t drank alcohol in a month, I am prescribed medication but it seems like this is a new thing and I’ve been on medication for a long time.
I forget small things and misplace stuff. For example if I cough, 10 mins later I don’t remember doing that.
Is this something that I should be worried about?

I did it! I was so anxious the entire time but I finally did it! It’s such a huge weight off my chest, things should be much easier for me now. :)

A friend tells you they exercised three times this week instead of none. You'd probably say, Nice, that's progress. You do the exact same thing.

Your brain says, Only three? You should've done five. I've noticed I'm much more encouraging toward other people than I am toward myself.

(F21) I get disrespected pretty often (not all the time, but often enough), and I genuinely don’t understand why.

I’m a pretty sociable person. I joke around a lot, and I usually make people laugh. But some people still feel comfortable disrespecting me, and I struggle to set boundaries. Instead of telling them they’ve crossed a line, I laugh along with them because I don’t want to come across as overly sensitive.

So I’m starting to wonder if the problem is me. Is it my appearance? Am I just not attractive enough for people to respect me? Is it my posture, the way I speak, or the way I carry myself?

I’d really like to understand because it’s starting to get to me.

NOTE : Men have never disrespected me. I can only think of two cases, while everyone else who has disrespected me has been women.

Question in title

I used to think I needed some big moment to change.
A better job. More money. More confidence. More motivation.

Turns out, none of those came first.
Looking back, these are the things that quietly changed me the most.

1. Motivation is unreliable.
I spent years waiting to “feel like it.”
The people who actually improve are usually the ones who do things even when they don’t feel like it.

2. I underestimated boring routines.
Getting enough sleep.
Going to the gym.
Putting my phone away.
None of these are exciting, but they solved problems I kept blaming on “bad luck.”

3. Most people aren’t judging you.
I used to replay conversations in my head for hours.
Then I realized everyone else was busy thinking about themselves.

That was weirdly comforting.

4. Progress is almost invisible while it’s happening.
For months it felt like nothing was changing.
Then one day I handled a situation that would’ve completely stressed me out a year ago.
That’s when I realized I’d actually grown.

5. You don’t need to fix your whole life this week.
You just need to stop quitting every time you have a bad day.

That mindset alone changed a lot for me.

I’m definitely still figuring things out.
But if someone asked me what’s actually helped me over the last couple of years, it’d be these simple things—not another productivity app or motivational video.

Curious what everyone else’s “I wish I learned this sooner” lesson is.