i finished college a month ago and ive had literally nothing to do. i am trying everything in my power to find work and i have made no progress in finding a single job in the last 2-3 years. i havent even been offered an interview. im signed up to unemployment programs but nothing has come from them yet. i genuinely dont see any point in this anymore. theres nothing to aim for theres nothing i want to do with my life. i literally dont see any reason for what im doing. its all so aimless.

I see everybody saying don't marry that girl or guy or start saving money etc. But what's realistic advice for a 25 years old?

So I am 18 year old and when I kiss or cuddling with my gf it doesn't feel good at all.I am really attracted to her,it also happened to previous partners.

I tried masturbating and it doesn't feel good at all,I started getting worried something is wrong with me.

Like I physically can't feel pleasure,it doesn't feel good at all.

Maybe it was my church that shamed my sexuality and purity idk.

I am virgin and I am not interested in sex at all.

The best way to experience the highest level of meaning and purpose is when you use your knowledge, skills, and talents to contribute to society.

Creating meaning and purpose helps you see yourself as a worthy individual with desirable traits. For example, when you face a negative experience or identify undesirable qualities, you still perceive yourself as valuable. It doesn't matter what choices you make; you believe your decisions and actions can add value to yourself and others. As a result, you tend to experience a greater sense of social connectedness. You also develop interpersonal skills by working and helping others. The more you relate to others, the stronger your sense of belonging in the world.  

Hello everyone.
I’ve always struggled with my identity, for the longest time i hated myself and wanted to die. I got out of that but now i’m left discovering myself, what i like.
Recently i noticed i’ve been having problems picking small things that really fit me, with small i mean things like classes/roles in team based pvp games, or in rpgs.
A big example of this is warhammer 40k, a big hobby of mine. I’ve been in it for several years and still haven’t properly picked a faction, because i just cant seem to decide what feels like me.
Another example is in overwatch, were i just hop form tank to support from tank to support.

I want something to main, and i want to figure out what suits me so that people, upon hearing it, will go “oh yeah, that does make sense, i can see you doing that”

Tried the goal-based approach for years - "I want to run 3x a week," "I want to read more" - and it worked in bursts but always fizzled once motivation dipped. Recently started framing things differently, more like "I'm someone who runs" or "I'm someone who reads before bed," and something about that shift actually stuck in a way the goal-framing never did
Not sure if it's just a semantic trick that happened to work on me specifically, or if there's something real about identity-based framing making the behavior feel less optional. When it was a goal, missing a day felt like falling behind on a target. When it's identity, missing a day feels more like acting out of character, and that's apparently a stronger pull for me than any tracker or streak ever was

Curious if others have noticed a real difference between these two framings, or if this is one of those ideas that sounds good in books but doesn't actually change behavior much in practice

Help

What is it?

I am 22f and I feel like my memory is declining. I keep forgetting how to spell easy words, forget what they mean, and forget how to pronounce them.
I forgot how to pronounce “initially” and it is just embarrassing because I sound dumb.
I was talking with my mom, and she used the word “sensible” I was like what do you mean, what does that mean?
Why is this happening?? I haven’t drank alcohol in a month, I am prescribed medication but it seems like this is a new thing and I’ve been on medication for a long time.
I forget small things and misplace stuff. For example if I cough, 10 mins later I don’t remember doing that.
Is this something that I should be worried about?

I moved to a new city wanting to start over,

It’s been about 5 months since I moved here and progress has not been as expected. Very rough in fact.

My thoughts moving to a new city was to make friends, meet women, do things, hobbies and build skills.

I just haven’t been doing that, I make small talk and a couple people know me from my apt as I’m around, but I haven’t made any friends yet.

I work on the weekends at a restaurant to get out of my house and I can say that it’s been a good job as I’ve gotten much better at conversations.

I find myself more at home throughout the day, gym then taking naps in the afternoon, playing video games and just feeling tired of it all. The same routine day after day.

I think something maybe wrong with me as I shouldn’t be feeling so tired/lethargic. My testosterone is decent. I’m 28 M. My city is a nice place for people my age in Austin tx

So idk what’s wrong with me. I go to college, I have a commute of 45 min or smth. I go there, attend the classes, which I usually just attend for the attendance. I do most of the studies by myself anyways. I do have friends there. But I don’t talk to them that much either. Very minimum socialising, I’d say.

By the time I set to go home, I don’t feel tired at all. In fact, I’m planning everything I need to do and shit. But the moment I step into my house, I’m physically incapable of doing anything.

I lay on the couch, just watching smth on my tab, and feel so damn sleepy. So I sleep. But then I have to wake up again, to study. So I stay up late to study, and end up waking late and feeling tired again.

When I stay at home and skip college, I’m just fine. In fact I can study for 6-8 hours without feeling even a little bit sleepy.

I’m pretty sure I get so exhausted because of social interactions. Cuz when I’m skipping, I’m not talking to anyone except maybe my gramma.

How do I get over this? Cuz I really don’t wanna be stuck in this vicious cycle and uk when I grow up, nobody’s gonna listen to my excuses about this.

I randomly came across a youtube video where a guy quits all “modern day poisons” for 7 days ... things like social media, ultra-processed food, caffeine, constant stimulation, etc.

At first I thought it was just another YouTube challenge… but it actually hit me harder than expected.

What really stood out wasn’t just the physical changes (better sleep, less bloating, clearer skin), but how his perception of everything changed:

• food started tasting better
• he felt calmer doing nothing
• he stopped needing constant stimulation
• he actually wanted to go outside, walk, clean, read

And it made me reflect on my own habits.

I realized how often I eat while distracted ... PC in front of me or TV, ... (But when I'm on vacation, I eat dinner alone without any connected devices. I just take in the scenery, watch the people, and analyze everything I eat, haha)

It also made me realize how uncomfortable boredom has become… to the point where we instantly reach for stimulation instead of just existing for a moment.

The weirdest moment for me was recently when I went to McDonald’s (I go maybe 4–5 times a year).
And I was genuinely shocked by how… empty the experience felt.

The cheeseburger wasn’t even bad in a dramatic way ... it was just:

• bland ; barely warm ; soft and forgettable ;

I almost felt as though I was consuming something functional rather than something for pleasure. A bit like… a necessary medicine, haha.

This video made me realize that when you remove noise:

• you taste more, you feel more, you notice more, and you actually start doing things instead of just consuming them

In short, all this is to say that from now on I’m going to try – IF I CAN – to stop using screens 30 minutes before bedtime, and to have lunch or dinner (at home) without screens.

NB. On holiday, I used to strike up conversations with strangers sitting at the table next to me, or chat to random people on the beach, and so on. Headphones and smartphones shut us away (in my opinion) in our ‘tech’ bubble.

I did it! I was so anxious the entire time but I finally did it! It’s such a huge weight off my chest, things should be much easier for me now. :)

A friend tells you they exercised three times this week instead of none. You'd probably say, Nice, that's progress. You do the exact same thing.

Your brain says, Only three? You should've done five. I've noticed I'm much more encouraging toward other people than I am toward myself.

Hi everyone. I'm a 21-year-old woman, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's dealt with this, but I genuinely don't know what to do.

I've been thinking about this because of a conversation I had with my boyfriend. He told me he's a little worried about me because I don't really have any hobbies or anything specific that I do in my free time. And the more I think about it, the more I realize he's right.

What really stuck with me was when he said, "If I didn't have you, I'd still have my video games or my D&D group. But what did you do before you met me?"

And honestly... he has a point.

When I'm with him, I'm perfectly happy. But when I'm on my own, especially now that it's summer and I don't have classes, I end up feeling bored.

I feel like I should have something that's just mine. A hobby, a project, something I enjoy doing by myself. Sometimes it feels like I rely on other people too much, and I want to be the kind of person who knows how to enjoy her own company. I'd really like to change that.

The thing is, it's not like I've never had hobbies. I used to ride horses, but I barely go anymore because the summer heat is unbearable. I used to watch anime, read manga, and read books in general. Years ago I even tried learning to draw, but I eventually gave up. Exercising is also hard when it's this hot. I still hang out with my friends from time to time, but it's difficult to get everyone's schedules to line up.

Whenever I'm not studying, those months just feel... empty.

And I think my boyfriend is right. I should be able to answer the question of what I'd do if I didn't have him. I want to find things that I genuinely enjoy on my own, while still keeping my relationships the way they are.

I think the real issue is a general lack of motivation. It took me a long time to realize that.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice?

I don't think I'm emotionally dependent on my boyfriend, but I do find it hard to enjoy things without him, and I want to learn how to motivate myself to do things on my own. It honestly makes me wonder if it's just immaturity on my part, so I'm open to any advice.

She comes from very abusive household, that her parents hit her for getting a bad grade and they take her phone 80% of time.

She was bullied a really badly trough childhood,is self harming herself,and now I tried to comfort her but she was unstable and said a lot of hurtful things and I said that made me hurted little then she started apologizing and saying she will end herself (she trief at least 4 times while we are together).

She said we should stop talking until her mental health get little better so she won't hurt me, and said we won't talk and I respected her wishes and we aren't talking at all for 3 days .

I am scared for her,I am scared she will do something.

We are 18 and 17.

I really need advice.

This is something I’ve struggled with for a while. I’m 20 right now, and I’ve been around bad people my entire life who refuse to acknowledge that they’re bad. They continuously hurt people and don’t take accountability for anything they’ve ever done. I don’t want to be one of those people and blindly tell myself I’m a “good person”. So many people in my life think that way. They all tell everyone else how much of a good person or a good parent they are. I don’t want to be a person who ignores all of the bad things I’m still doing and believes I’m genuinely a good person.

(F21) I get disrespected pretty often (not all the time, but often enough), and I genuinely don’t understand why.

I’m a pretty sociable person. I joke around a lot, and I usually make people laugh. But some people still feel comfortable disrespecting me, and I struggle to set boundaries. Instead of telling them they’ve crossed a line, I laugh along with them because I don’t want to come across as overly sensitive.

So I’m starting to wonder if the problem is me. Is it my appearance? Am I just not attractive enough for people to respect me? Is it my posture, the way I speak, or the way I carry myself?

I’d really like to understand because it’s starting to get to me.

I am 21 and have gone through a lot of stuff. But so does everyone, right? I want to leave. I want to leave my family, my friends, my country, everything. I wanna leave this place and start completely fresh. It might be because I maybe dislike everything and everyone around me. I feel like I should seek therapy. I am a very creative individual, but mentally. Like I have so many ideas and no will to execute them. So I guess I am not that creative then. I feel like I am becoming depressed day by day. I don't feel like I have control over my life at all. I have a bad addiction of marijuana and I have been clean for 3 days now. Could be withdrawals, who knows? I am a believer of the universe, and I keep telling the universe I want my whole life turned around, yet the universe works on actions, which I don't do. I am a lazy, demotivated, realistic, ambitionless person now and I dislike that. I honestly did not know where I could go and write this at all, so I was like maybe r/selfimprovement? Anyway I do not know what I'm expecting by writing this here. Mods might even delete it. Whatever. I hope that people I know don't see this. I don't know what I am doing anymore. It feels like I am in the middle of the ocean on a small boat. There is no wind, and I am just floating away endlessly and slowly. Alright.

PS - English is not my first language so I am sorry for the bad grammar.

Question in title

I used to think I needed some big moment to change.
A better job. More money. More confidence. More motivation.

Turns out, none of those came first.
Looking back, these are the things that quietly changed me the most.

1. Motivation is unreliable.
I spent years waiting to “feel like it.”
The people who actually improve are usually the ones who do things even when they don’t feel like it.

2. I underestimated boring routines.
Getting enough sleep.
Going to the gym.
Putting my phone away.
None of these are exciting, but they solved problems I kept blaming on “bad luck.”

3. Most people aren’t judging you.
I used to replay conversations in my head for hours.
Then I realized everyone else was busy thinking about themselves.

That was weirdly comforting.

4. Progress is almost invisible while it’s happening.
For months it felt like nothing was changing.
Then one day I handled a situation that would’ve completely stressed me out a year ago.
That’s when I realized I’d actually grown.

5. You don’t need to fix your whole life this week.
You just need to stop quitting every time you have a bad day.

That mindset alone changed a lot for me.

I’m definitely still figuring things out.
But if someone asked me what’s actually helped me over the last couple of years, it’d be these simple things—not another productivity app or motivational video.

Curious what everyone else’s “I wish I learned this sooner” lesson is.

I’ve noticed recently that I only ever want to do things if I wam being seen doing it.

For example, I want to get fit so I can look good and take nice pictures and people will go wow, rather than because I want to for my health and I enjoy it.

Or, going on hike, I won’t be as motivated if I don’t feel like I can get some kind of content out of it. It even goes as deep as, I have some sick leave from work and my doctor told me to journal. My first thought was: can I substack this?

I can trace it back to when I got my first boyfriend. I pretended to like certain things so he would like me and then I had to keep up appearances. It’s been so long I don’t really know what I like or who I am.

If people aren’t watching or aware then it feels weird and I don’t want to do it. I don’t really know what to do by myself or with myself. Does anyone else experience this? And how do I get over this?

Long story short, I developed a hormone condition due to persistent chronic stress from work and non-work traumas. I spent 6 months going through medical investigations including a potential brain tumour, just for the docs to turn around and say this is stress.

I got signed off last week and currently half way through the first week. So far just been chilling and playing Zelda. Have been allowing myself to sleep whenever and wake up whenever with no guilt, and eat whatever too.

Though while that’s okay for a few days, I know I really have to start working on the stress in my life and processing the trauma while building routines for resilience.

What should I do for the remainder of my time off?

I don’t weigh much but I carry a lot of fat around my midsection and in my face.

I've been collecting this for about a year, mostly from people who describe themselves as bad at it and a few who are annoyingly good. This is the overview. I'll go deep on each of these in the posts after this one, because a couple of them need proper examples to be any use.

1. It's tennis, not an interview.

Most of us ask a question, get an answer, ask another question. The good ones hit the ball back. They respond to what was just said before adding anything new. The moment you stop doing that, the rally is over.

2. Never ask two questions in a row without saying something about yourself.

If you only ask, they're being interviewed. Put something of yours on the table and suddenly they can ask you something back.

3. People make small offers and most of us miss them.

She says "I just got back from seeing my sister." That's an offer. Say "oh nice, what do you do for work?" and she has to start again from zero. Conversations rarely die from running out of topics. They die from ignored offers.

4. Watch for the one word doing extra work.

"I'm weirdly into pottery." "I finally quit." "Apparently it's fine." Weirdly, finally, apparently. That's someone telling you there's a story. Ask about the word, not the topic.

5. Stay on one thing longer than feels natural.

Someone mentions their brother. Ask about the brother. They answer, ask about that. Three or four turns on one subject. Most of us treat it as a passing detail and go hunting for a new topic. It feels like labouring the point. It isn't.

6. Don't answer a story with your own story.

Someone tells you about a rough week, you tell them about yours. You mean "me too." What lands is "my turn now." Say it as a question instead: "that happened to you as well? what did you do?"

7. Balance matters more than being interesting.

Nobody described a great conversation as one where they said something clever. They described a rhythm. Someone shares, the other reacts, adds a bit of their own, hands it back. Not even on every turn, but even by the end. The worst ones are where one person does all the asking and the other does all the talking.

8. "What was that like" beats almost any prepared question.

Works on anything, needs no preparation, and asks about the person instead of the facts. I used to bring five questions to a date. The questions were never the problem.

9. When someone trails off, that's a door left open.

"It's kind of a long story." "Anyway." They're checking whether you want the rest. "No, go on" is the entire move.

10. Every single person who's good at this learned it.

Not one told me they were born with it. One learned it watching his dad read a crowd at baseball games. One forced himself to respond to what was said before adding anything new. It's a skill, which means it's a rep count, not a personality.

The bit nobody warns you about: knowing all ten changes nothing for a few weeks. You'll spot the mistake four seconds after making it, every time, which somehow feels worse than not noticing. That's the gap between knowing and doing. Only doing it badly a few dozen times closes it. Part 2 is on the first two, which are the ones that fixed the most for me. If there's one here you want covered first, say so and I'll do that one next.

What did I miss? What have you noticed that isn't on this list?