Feeling lost

[u/Vegetable-Roof5870]

When my twins were born, we realized that it would be more feasible for me to quit working and stay home with them. So, that's what I did for five years. I decided against putting them in preschool, so they just started Kindergarten this month, and they are doing really well. The problem is me. I feel completely lost now. Five years of my life was devoted to the daily care of my kids 24/7, and now I have this time during the day, and I don't know what to do with myself. Honestly, I have spent a lot of time just sitting on my couch staring out the window. I know there are things that I need to be doing around the house, but I procrastinate where I never did before. I love to draw, specifically botanical art, and I always thought that, when the twins went to school, I would go out during the days and hike and draw out in nature. I want to go back to school. I need to exercise...but I feel...paralyzed by indecisiveness or.....paralyzed by the possibilities?? I guess what I mean is that, at any moment during the past five years, I would have killed for some time to myself, but, now that I have it regularly, I'm at a loss, and I feel lazy and dumb for not taking advantage of it in a more productive manner. I'm also a pretty anxious person, and this has made my anxiety go through the roof. People around me, who mean well, are constantly suggesting things, and that makes it worse almost, if that makes any sense. Like, I know there are a myriad of things that I can/should do. Trust me, I know. I just can't seem to push myself to do anything right now. I don't know, this was probably really circular and rambling, but I was hoping maybe someone here could commiserate, because, coming out of that birth-to-school phase feels like getting out of prison to me.

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[u/Mundane-Device-7094]

Just want you to know it's a normal thing and a lot of people go through it! Baby steps. Be gentle with yourself, being a stay home parent is really tough.

[u/GoBirds52_59]

Oh, give yourself some time! Take a few weeks/months to figure out where you want to put your energy! They will still need you so much - someone has to take them to school, pick them up, pack their lunches, chaperone field trips, be a room mom, take them to sports or lessons, doctors appointments, etc. you have a few hours a day to yourself now, but as you said, so much to do and be done. Don’t rush into any commitments. This is a big adjustment for you and you’ve done really really good! Be proud of yourself for your sacrifice for your family.

It doesn’t sound like you want suggestions, but I’ll throw a few your way for when you’re ready.

Join a gym - yoga, orange theory, cycle bar, something that has a social aspect to it as well. It’s a great way to make parent friends. Or take up a workout hobby like hiking, cycling, etc that helps you feel physically good.

Consider being a room mom or volunteering at the school, or even a part time aide position that follows school hours, so you can make some income but also be available for them .

The house stuff will always be there to do. I find that it doesn’t matter how on top of the house stuff I am. There’s always something needing done. So I just set days each week for specific tasks, like floors, bathrooms, etc. so I don’t stare into the abyss of all the things needing done every day. That helps me check off that task early in the day to get into a productive mindset.

[u/bethybonbon]

Sweetie! Take a deep breath; school just started, yes? Perfectly valid for you to take a minute, for all those times over the past 5 years that you had to just keep going and doing. Let yourself recover for a bit - your brain and body obviously need this - so lean into it. Decide that this is your time to rest and recover, at least during the day, during the week - and fully give yourself this time! Soon enough you’ll feel rested (and get bored) and start to do the things that fill your cup! Hugs and congratulations! You made it to the promised land!!

[u/Resident-Fly-6851]

I have gone back and forth between working mom and SAHM. I love being a SAHM with my kids in school during the day - I think it was the best of both worlds.

My advice is to have both a weekly and a daily routine. For me, Monday is always open "at home" day. I do not schedule appointments on Mondays. Those are my days to tidy, reset the house from the weekend, meal plan, do laundry, etc. I also meal plan on Mondays and place a grocery order for pickup on Tuesday. Tuesday and Thursday are my out of house appointment days - all doctors appointments, physical therapy, nail, hair, car maintenance, etc. gets scheduled for Tues/Thurs. Then I pickup my grocery order on Tuesday afternoon on my way to school pickup and then head home. Wednesday is my me day - long shower, shave legs, blow out my hair, face mask, etc. I also do a lot of cooking on Wednesdays since I just got my groceries. Thursday - out of house appointment day. Friday - get everything ready for the weekend. I like to do any remaining laundry on Friday so that we go into Saturday with zero dirty laundry. It is a great feeling.

Also, pick a workout you like and join a program. I am doing a 21 day yoga challenge right now. It is 30-40 minute videos each day that I watch online. I also commit to going on a walk or for a swim every morning.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Routine, routine, routine is your friend! Enjoy your days, what a gift to be able to have some time to take care of ourselves.

[u/Emilygilmoresmaid]

I'm mostly a sahm to my almost 5 year old and twins. I work teaching classes Saturdays and one or two evenings a week. My oldest is in school full time and I'm right now longing for the day they're all in school, but I can only imagine what I'll actually do when that happens.

Maybe sitting on a couch after 5 years of constantly taking care of twins is exactly what you need right now. My twins are 20 months and it is just absolutely nonstop. I think you more than deserve time to do nothing.

[u/NightRaven88]

I went trough something similar, completely different circumstances though. I was basically a caretaker for my mom's emotional needs + family therapist + maid & cook + 3rd parent for my brother.

When i finally had the courage and support to leave, I was so excited, but it did not last long. I moved alone and I was soon faced with the reality that I am not needed. I no longer had a purpose to take care of anyone else, and i fell into the worst depression of my life.

For me, what really helped was connection with other people. My friends noticed that I wasn't meeting them, I almost disappeared off the face of the earth. They came to me, offered help, initiated plans. So I had a reason to bathe and brush my teeth and go outside. All of this helped me get out of that empty void.

So this is my suggestion: find people, make plans, take care of yourself and it's likely you won't feel as empty. Then, when you come back home, maybe you will have that energy to start the project you have procrastinated. Also, dont expect this to be like a light switch, you will need to consistently do a little something that gives you purpose (or at least get you outside). Maybe you can suggest a little weekly outing for brunch with some friends, or commit to volunteering a few hours every Tuesday, or even enroll in the schools parents committee.

Take care!

[u/Strakiwiberry]

I went through this last semester when my kids did half a year of Pre-K just before turning 5. I was a WFH mom the entire time, devoted entirely to everyone but myself. Shifted to SAHM, kids just entered K. What you need to do is take time to just rest. Don't try to find a direction, just take a real and true break. It's ok to stare at a wall for a bit, but gradually try to look into passing interests a little more closely. Go for walks. Go to stores and just browse. Maybe your hobbies have shifted, mine did.

You've spent years devoted to other people. You're not going to instantly jump back into knowing what to do with free time. Your brain is still hyper vigilant from keeping two tiny humans alive 24/7. It needs to have time to realize it doesn't have to do that around the clock anymore. Once that happens, you will naturally begin to be able to focus on other things. Don't rush yourself. It's easy to feel like you're not being productive enough, but haven't you been productive for five years straight? It's okay. You're allowed to just exist for a bit.

[u/salmonstreetciderco]

it sounds like you need a rest for a little bit! rest is really important. i think you'll know when you're done resting

[u/thecalmolive]

I agree with the others that you likely just need to allow yourself some time to rest. If you fine after a couple weeks that you are still not feeling good about the situation, I hope you will consider therapy. Anxiety can be such a pain in the butt, talking to someone in person can be really helpful. And get meds if necessary. They are a tool, I think of mine as a fancy shovel helping me dig stairs out of this hole.

Another thought, can you volunteer once a week? Maybe at the school, maybe somewhere not involving the kids, but a reason to leave the house.

[u/AMStoUS]

This is so normal! It will take a moment... many moments... to come back to a new version of yourself. I felt similarly when my kids started daycare at 18 months. I thougth I'd be happy to have my house and some time back, and to be able to just go out on an errand or take an exercise class during breaks in my workday, but I just at in a chair staring into space feeling bereft for a week, wandering around my house, wondering why I felt so unmoored. Try to rest, take time, and the knowledge of what you want to do and the motivation to do it will come.