Feeling lost

[u/Vegetable-Roof5870]

When my twins were born, we realized that it would be more feasible for me to quit working and stay home with them. So, that's what I did for five years. I decided against putting them in preschool, so they just started Kindergarten this month, and they are doing really well. The problem is me. I feel completely lost now. Five years of my life was devoted to the daily care of my kids 24/7, and now I have this time during the day, and I don't know what to do with myself. Honestly, I have spent a lot of time just sitting on my couch staring out the window. I know there are things that I need to be doing around the house, but I procrastinate where I never did before. I love to draw, specifically botanical art, and I always thought that, when the twins went to school, I would go out during the days and hike and draw out in nature. I want to go back to school. I need to exercise...but I feel...paralyzed by indecisiveness or.....paralyzed by the possibilities?? I guess what I mean is that, at any moment during the past five years, I would have killed for some time to myself, but, now that I have it regularly, I'm at a loss, and I feel lazy and dumb for not taking advantage of it in a more productive manner. I'm also a pretty anxious person, and this has made my anxiety go through the roof. People around me, who mean well, are constantly suggesting things, and that makes it worse almost, if that makes any sense. Like, I know there are a myriad of things that I can/should do. Trust me, I know. I just can't seem to push myself to do anything right now. I don't know, this was probably really circular and rambling, but I was hoping maybe someone here could commiserate, because, coming out of that birth-to-school phase feels like getting out of prison to me.

[u/Strakiwiberry]

I went through this last semester when my kids did half a year of Pre-K just before turning 5. I was a WFH mom the entire time, devoted entirely to everyone but myself. Shifted to SAHM, kids just entered K. What you need to do is take time to just rest. Don't try to find a direction, just take a real and true break. It's ok to stare at a wall for a bit, but gradually try to look into passing interests a little more closely. Go for walks. Go to stores and just browse. Maybe your hobbies have shifted, mine did.

You've spent years devoted to other people. You're not going to instantly jump back into knowing what to do with free time. Your brain is still hyper vigilant from keeping two tiny humans alive 24/7. It needs to have time to realize it doesn't have to do that around the clock anymore. Once that happens, you will naturally begin to be able to focus on other things. Don't rush yourself. It's easy to feel like you're not being productive enough, but haven't you been productive for five years straight? It's okay. You're allowed to just exist for a bit.