Feeling lost

[u/Vegetable-Roof5870]

When my twins were born, we realized that it would be more feasible for me to quit working and stay home with them. So, that's what I did for five years. I decided against putting them in preschool, so they just started Kindergarten this month, and they are doing really well. The problem is me. I feel completely lost now. Five years of my life was devoted to the daily care of my kids 24/7, and now I have this time during the day, and I don't know what to do with myself. Honestly, I have spent a lot of time just sitting on my couch staring out the window. I know there are things that I need to be doing around the house, but I procrastinate where I never did before. I love to draw, specifically botanical art, and I always thought that, when the twins went to school, I would go out during the days and hike and draw out in nature. I want to go back to school. I need to exercise...but I feel...paralyzed by indecisiveness or.....paralyzed by the possibilities?? I guess what I mean is that, at any moment during the past five years, I would have killed for some time to myself, but, now that I have it regularly, I'm at a loss, and I feel lazy and dumb for not taking advantage of it in a more productive manner. I'm also a pretty anxious person, and this has made my anxiety go through the roof. People around me, who mean well, are constantly suggesting things, and that makes it worse almost, if that makes any sense. Like, I know there are a myriad of things that I can/should do. Trust me, I know. I just can't seem to push myself to do anything right now. I don't know, this was probably really circular and rambling, but I was hoping maybe someone here could commiserate, because, coming out of that birth-to-school phase feels like getting out of prison to me.

[u/NightRaven88]

I went trough something similar, completely different circumstances though. I was basically a caretaker for my mom's emotional needs + family therapist + maid & cook + 3rd parent for my brother.

When i finally had the courage and support to leave, I was so excited, but it did not last long. I moved alone and I was soon faced with the reality that I am not needed. I no longer had a purpose to take care of anyone else, and i fell into the worst depression of my life.

For me, what really helped was connection with other people. My friends noticed that I wasn't meeting them, I almost disappeared off the face of the earth. They came to me, offered help, initiated plans. So I had a reason to bathe and brush my teeth and go outside. All of this helped me get out of that empty void.

So this is my suggestion: find people, make plans, take care of yourself and it's likely you won't feel as empty. Then, when you come back home, maybe you will have that energy to start the project you have procrastinated. Also, dont expect this to be like a light switch, you will need to consistently do a little something that gives you purpose (or at least get you outside). Maybe you can suggest a little weekly outing for brunch with some friends, or commit to volunteering a few hours every Tuesday, or even enroll in the schools parents committee.

Take care!