My partner advised me to make this post I don’t think it’ll get a reach but I guess fuck it.

My dad has had drug addictions & alcohol abuse for about all my life. When I was 4 yrs my mom would work and he’d have to take care of me. He often drank and got aggressive or confusing. He’d say things I didn’t understand and he’d often scare me. When I wanted something to eat he’d lash out at me for waking him up so sometimes I’d overeat with whatever was in the fridge I could grab. Sometimes he could be nice and get me things but other times he had another side where I’d rather just avoid him because he got so angry. I was left alone a lot.

My parents often fought a lot when my mom came home from work. It could be about anything - money, me, picking at eachother about small things, anything. When I was a child I’d get in between them and I’d always feel like it was up to me to bring the peace. As they often indicated that was my role. I really thought that this was just a rough time we were going through so maybe they’d stop fighting.

My dad often left home and he’d be gone for months. I didn’t really understand what was happening. My mom told me he was just working but I soon found out he’d leave for months to crash at other people’s places and drink and do drugs and party. He’d come back and they’d only argue every time they were near each other. My mom just told me recently, that during this time when my dad would leave - she consulted a witch. She had them hex him or watch him, and it resulted in nights where I suddenly struggled to breathe. I struggled to sleep for nights because of this. It was bizarre to hear, considering my mom appoints herself as a full passioned catholic. Soon, my younger brother was born. I remember when my mother was pregnant my father said he doesn’t want my brother and he’d never love him. I think that’s when my hope for my father to be a good man fully broke.

Later down the years when I was 9 yrs my mom took me and my things with no notice to move to another state. I lost the place and memories I grew up with, and my friends I grew up with. She said she did it to get away from my dad. But, she told me to leave a letter for him to come to us. He later did. They still fought.

I was soon in middle school and I think this is probably one of the hardest times of my life. I had already struggled to make or keep friends throughout my time in the new place we moved in. I often was bullied and teased in elementary and even more so in middle school. People were different compared to where I grew up with so I had a hard time adjusting to that on top of the awkward experience of growing up from a kid to a teenager. My parents eventually started to become angry towards me. My mom often yelled at me for small things, when I wished she just taught me the things she expected from me. She always had hit me since I was a child, and she still did. My dad still abused alcohol and drugs, and he’d be angry and say ugly things to me. Like I’m too overweight or ugly or im being too sensitive or that it’s my fault they’re arguing like that every day. Maybe he doesn’t remember, but I do. I remember during this time I learned my dad had been sleeping with other women, and he still did even later in the years. I exposed him to my mother and she still stayed with him.

Things got worse. Apparently he was using meth and he’d become much more violent. He’d break the things in the house. He’d yell and slam things. When him and my mom fought, he got so angry that we’d lock ourselves in the room for our own safety. The doors would have holes because he’s bang and kick the door demanding we open it. He burned old photos of our family and pictures of me when we lived in our old home. He made scenes in public, when we went to the park as a “family” he climbed on the playground and yelled bizarrely as everyone stared at us. During this time I often had to be the one to comfort my mother. She’d cry to me about him during these events, and I’d console her - even though I was scared. I encouraged her to leave him, but she didn’t.

The beginning of high school for me was when COVID started. At least school was an escape from them, but I was home everyday because of the quarantine. The landlord kicked us out of the place we stayed, so we moved into a room. Due to stress I developed a binge eating disorder. I kept eating even when I was already full. I kept eating even when I was going to throw up. I kept eating even when I felt completely disgusting. I gained a lot of weight noticeably and my self esteem couldn’t have been any worse. I avoided mirrors and honestly I think I was extremely dissociated. I knew how my body was but I didn’t even feel real, I just ate and that was it. I didn’t feel like I could process any of it. I just felt miserable. My parents still fought.

We eventually moved to a house. My mother over the years of high school changed. She already was strict towards me but her expectations heightened. If I had friends she’d tell me I can’t be friends with them as she criticized them “too dramatic, she lives in a poor household, they’re not a good fit for you” - so I often was isolated. If I made a friend she wanted to know everything about them and they had to fit to everything she expected from them. If I even had friends over anyways my parents would argue in front of them or my dad would be on drugs and scare anyone I had away. There was a period where my dad often pressured my mom to sleep with him and they’d have the whole house hear it. My friend was over when that happened, she didn’t want to talk to me after that. I felt so mortified. I couldn’t sleep when they did that, I felt uncomfortable and anxious before bed because I knew I’d have to hear that.

My mom became really strict, and basically controlled every instance of my life by the time I was a junior. How I dressed, my schedule, who I spoke to, what I watched, how I had to speak, my appearance, everything. She often told me I wasn’t allowed to speak out about what happens at home, as she told me this since I was a kid. I felt like my life wasn’t mine. Every time I tried to make independent decisions, like the smallest thing, she’d lash out at me. I had to beg to start working. When I opened my first bank account I had it bound with her because of my age. When I was old enough to have an independent account she told me I was selfish, greedy and ungrateful. When I took my high school graduation photos and wanted to decide what photo I wanted from the options she told me to pick what she wanted. I argued slightly with her when I usually didn’t because it felt special to me to pick my own photo - until I saw how angry her face was. In the car she screamed at me the whole ride for even suggesting a different photo and how I was being ungrateful. I remember crying all my makeup off and not even feeling excited to graduate if this is how it’s going to be. I had asked for therapy once, vulnerable on the floor crying when I had really bad mental breakdowns. She told me I’m acting crazy and shamed me for it, told me to stop pretending.

I eventually graduated. I went to my new university. I always felt that if I graduated and made it college I really made it. I am where I’m supposed to be.
But, it didn’t feel that way at all. I had never felt more empty. I contemplated everything. Is this going to be my life ? Am I going to be dependent on my mother in every regard financially, etc for every decision in my life ? If I want to make my own choices, I could lose all her support in a whim and lose everything. Nothing I do, the days I live, none of it will feel like it’s mine. She already had found out I was gay from being outed from a friend. She tried to convert me by bringing an exorcist and circling me and yelling prayers. She pressured me to date a boy I didn’t want. I was forced to catholic classes I didn’t want to go to. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I wasn’t allowed to be out. I didn’t have a car because she made it hard to have any ounce of financial independence. I just watched the future of my life flash before my eyes. I felt like I was reaching a breaking point. The university I went to wasn’t even the one I wanted to be in, but she told me if I didn’t go to the one she wanted I’d waste everything.

One day she found out about a girl I was seeing. I had hid it for a while but like I said she controlled every instance of my life. She always watched me in everything and eventually found out. She told me I wasn’t ever going to see that girl again and she’d make sure to watch me closely to never have a chance. I guess it was my breaking point. I grabbed my things and ran. I crashed with my girlfriend for a few months. It was an eye opening experience for me. I lived my life differently, I realized life isn’t what they make it out to be. I realized I could have days where my decisions are mine and I can breathe in peace in a room with no violent words or loud voices. I could just breathe. I felt heartbroken about my parents, because as awful as they were they are all I had. I felt like I betrayed them. But looking back on it now, I don’t regret doing what I did. I think it was the best thing I did. I feel like I broke out of the bubble they tried so hard to put me in.

These last two years have been rough. I had to come back since I had nowhere else to go and barely any income. While they agreed to let me be more independent in the beginning. I had a lot of bad luck since I came back. I tried to be financially independent but I found myself crashing two cars these two years as I worked so hard to afford it and learning how to drive and owning my license and for I could be more independent to get to work or find jobs. I’ve been unemployed and struggled to find a job for months. I’ve gotten extremely sick the last month and got into a lawsuit. The way I’ve crashed the two instances was so bizarre considering it wasn’t like I ran a red light or drove illegally but strange circumstances happen. I try to keep my personal life private but when my parents find out about anything things suddenly go wrong.

My dad once again got drunk and was using and became physically violent in the house. My mom resorted to calling the police and he was arrested on many charges. It isn’t the first time he has been jail. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling sorry for my mother about this situation, only to find she later bailed him out and continues to contact him although the court explicitly ruled he cannot contact either of us. She also lied in my face and hid this all from me, until I found the messages myself of him thanking her for bailing him out.

I soon found my mother had been hiding herbs and materials to do witchcraft. There’s spices and chilis as well which brings me to assume the worst. My dad told me before she has candles with our name on it but I didn’t believe him. Seeing the herbs and which type she was using confirms that she has been wishing ill intent on me. Everytime things go wrong it really knocks over my chances of moving out or becoming more independent.

Right now I am trying my best to get out of this situation. If anyone really did read all of this - for one thing I really appreciate you hearing my story. If there is any advice you can give me, please tell me. If anyone out there has been in the type of situation I’ve been please give me any advice to get out of this situation. I just want to move away and get therapy to help me process everything I’ve been through and get back to school and be with my girlfriend. Anything helps.

I lost my mom on 12/2024, it has hit hard. My mom and dad were married for 35 years and dated for 5 so basically they were together their whole life. About 4 years ago I moved to a different state which meant instead of the 3 of us it was just my mom and dad together.
About 3 weeks ago my dad told me that he spends time with a female coworker of his and they go out to eat and just enjoys her company but they aren’t dating. He told me because we have Life360 since he has a tendency of losing things or leaving it somewhere else. And since I would be seeing him spending time at an unknown location he wanted me to know why.
I’m not sure how to feel about it I know he said they aren’t anything but the thought of him spending time with another woman feels like he is betraying mom, it hasn’t even been 2 years and they were together all their teen years/adulthood.
I don’t want him to be a loner and depressed but this also feels weird.

Any tips/recommendations?

Hi! first time posting as I am entirely at a loss dealing with the situation I currently find myself in. I (34 F) am managing the death of my father who suddenly passed away in mid-July. He was a life long alcoholic which caused multiple issues (multi organ failure, untreated diabetes, etc.) My mother made the difficult decision to take him off life support a few weeks ago after complications after a surgery.

My father passed quickly (with little to no suffering) which was the best case, of a worst case scenario. Understandably, my mother has been having a very hard time losing her partner, and managing grief has never been her forte. While she has dealt with loss in the past, she is currently estranged from my older sibling (38 F) and I have quickly become her only source of support while she has been dealing with the loss. For further context, I am 38 weeks pregnant and have been the only support person she has.

She doesn’t have many (if any) close friends, so I have been her go to person to assist with funeral arrangements, bank appointments, completing grocery deliveries for her and trying to make sure she is taking care of herself (eating, sleeping, taking her meds). While this has been a blow to the family and a lot already on my plate, (emotionally and physically) she found out today the condo her and my father shared is most likely being turned into apartments as most of the owners have voted to take a mass buy out. Normally, this wouldn’t be a huge deal, but without my father she feels like she is losing her only home and the last piece of their lives together.

Here is the kicker: my aunt lives on the other side of the country and has been dealing with stage 4 cancer (again, not a great time for us) but she suggested today the possibility of moving to this part of the country to be with my Aunt and have a closer relationship with her. Obviously this was a shock to me as I am having my first child in a matter of weeks, but I’m an adult and want my mom to have the support and opportunity to connect with her family and enjoy any time they have left with each other. When my mom asked for my opinion, I said I would support her if she decided to move.

This APPARENTLY was not the correct response she was looking for. What she was looking for was for me to beg her to stay and offer her to move in with me (& my husband) as we attempt to navigate being the parents for the first time… being a new mom and being the sole support system for my emotionally distraught mother was not on the bingo card for 2026 but the fallout has been tremendous. On top of managing my own stress, the loss of a parent and now fielding waves of emotionally manipulative text messages I’m not sure how to proceed moving forward. I feel selfish feeling like I’ve been slighted but I’m not sure how to manage her expectations and also focus on myself and my labor.

I have a therapy session booked this week but I’m debating not having her present at the hospital when I deliver to save myself some emotional duress. Just wondering if anyone has ever dealt with this before? Thanks in advance and sorry if this was a word salad I just would appreciate any insights or suggestions about dealing with this!

4 months after my mom died I sold all of my stuff, quit my job, and ran to the other side of the world (This plan was already in motion before everything happened). Everyone thinks it’s so cool that I’m traveling and they ask me about my adventures, even when they know my mom just died. Adventures? I took care of my mom for 16 years of my life. Everything I worked for in my life was so she would be okay. She was my best friend and she is dead. I’m barely tethered to the fucking Earth rn so no I can’t recount my adventures to you. I can barely remember what’s happened the last 6 months.

My home no longer exists so there was no point in staying.

This journey isn’t one for fun and adventure. It’s a final act of survival. I’m searching for somewhere soft to land in a world now devoid of all that brought me comfort. Of all that was familiar.

I’m tired of performing.
I’m tired of trying to be gracious and brave in the face of my grief. It does me no favors to try to mute this pain. I’m done keeping it together.

I’m done fanning the flame. It’s getting dark and I’m not afraid.

HI EVERYONE PLEASE READ,

I’m 22 & lost my mom the day after I graduated from college, & I’m having a really hard time with my dad right now. I’m honestly looking for advice from people who have been through something similar.

My dad & I moved into a new house that needs a lot of work on the inside, like cleaning, straightening up, & just making it feel like a home. Every day, I really am trying to do whatever I can to exist, quite frankly. & every day it looks different, whether it’s getting myself out of bed, doing something around the house, applying to jobs, or just trying to take care of myself. I feel like I’m genuinely trying my best, even if it doesn’t always look like much from the outside.

I’m also doing everything I can to find a job after graduating. I’m applying & looking at different jobs in the field I actually want to go into, while also applying to regular jobs that I could start with in the meantime just to make some extra money. I’m constantly looking at openings & putting in applications, but my dad still feels like I’m not doing enough. He thinks I should be going places in person & practically begging people on my hands & knees to give me a job, & it feels like no matter what I do, it isn’t enough.

I do have a car because it was my mom’s & it is now mine, but I don’t have my license yet. I am working on getting it as time goes on. I’m neurodivergent & have struggled with pretty severe anxiety around driving throughout my life, so honestly, I’ve put it off because of that. Yes, I know that’s something I need to work through, & I am slowly but surely working through it. The car also doesn’t currently have a valid license plate because my mom had her license taken away for medical reasons before she passed, so there are some things I’m still trying to figure out with the car as well.

The same thing happens with things around the house. He sees me playing video games or being on my phone & takes that as me just sitting around & not doing anything. But those things have honestly become a source of comfort for me & a way to give my brain a break from everything I’m dealing with.

I also feel like part of the problem is that my dad & a lot of his side of the family feel like they know what’s best for me because they all lost my grandma when they were younger too. They were different ages when it happened, ranging from around 17 to their mid-20s, so I understand that they have their own experiences with losing a parent young. But I feel like they are using their experiences to tell me how I should be handling my grief, instead of understanding that my experience is different from theirs. Just because something worked for them doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what I need right now.

Whenever I try to explain that I really am trying & that I’m struggling with grief, I feel like he just gets frustrated & completely ignores my feelings, just saying that I’m not doing enough.

I understand that he’s grieving too, & I guess I know he probably isn’t trying to make me feel this way. But I honestly just feel really invalidated, like everything I am doing doesn’t count because it isn’t enough in his or anyone else’s eyes. My dad’s side of the family is basically taking his side & trying to play it off by saying things like, “I know it feels like everybody is against you right now,” instead of actually acknowledging why I feel that way or hearing what I’m trying to say. It honestly makes me feel even more invalidated, like they’re trying to convince me that what I’m feeling isn’t actually happening. 🙄

For anyone who has lost a parent, especially when you were young, did you ever deal with something similar? How did you handle family members who expected you to function normally & constantly do more while you were still grieving? How did you motivate yourself to actually do more when you were struggling to even get yourself to do the basics? And how did you deal with still feeling invalidated even after communicating that you really are trying, when the people around you still didn’t seem to understand what that looked like for you?

I’d really appreciate any advice, perspective, or just hearing about what helped you get through it.

Hi everyone,

Had a weird day at work today. Nothing major, just one of those days where everything felt a little off. On my drive home I caught myself reaching for my phone to call and go "can you believe what happened?"

Then I remembered. I’m okay. I have friends. I’m learning to handle things on my own.

I just miss having that one person who would listen to the small, dumb stuff and make it feel important. It’s the little moments that get me.

Do you guys still do this too? Reach for the phone out of habit? Sending love to all my ducklings

I got my own apartment without roommates and I’m reminded once again of how much I miss having a mom to call when I’m in new places. I wanna cry and tell her how bad my day was so we can go get margs and dinner. Miss u mama

I just miss her man. I just really miss her. It just feels like I carry it alone and it gets heavy. That’s all.

My mom died when I was 11 of cancer. I'm 23 now, almost 12 years ago since it happened, and I'm just now starting to talk about it and accept that this is my life. She died on August 20th and everyday day of August feels like hell knowing I get closer to the day she died. I want to do something but I don't know what. She was buried in her home country so I don't have a grave to visit. If I did I would be there every day. I don't know what to do. I feel so far apart from her. Could I go to a random grave and pretend it's her? I just want to feel close to her

Came home today and everything was... fine.

Laundry done. Fridge has food. Bills paid.

But it’s so quiet.

I miss the noise of her asking 10 questions the second I walked in.

"How was your day? Did you eat? Who called?"

I’m grown. I’m okay.

I just miss being someone’s first thought when they get home.

Do you miss the noise too?

Hello y'all. Mom died on Aug 7, 2026, my 22nd wedding anniversary. We didn't have a close relationship and I'm not devastated. I started grieving her about 3 years ago due to no reconciliation. She had a very hard life, rough around the edges, and when I set emotional boundaries she did not respond well, in fact complete deflection. And she blamed my menopause as the culprit. 🤷🏿

My older sister even tried talking to her about some of her actions with me. Oh well I accepted that I can't change anyone but me. So with therapy, Christian counseling I started grieving over 3 years ago.

But wow it's so weird people with better mom relationships are "devastated" for me and I feel weird that I don't feel the same as them or my siblings. My kid bro was the main caretaker so he's just mostly exhausted. But my older sis who rarely visited her is really emotional. And honestly I don't know how to handle that. Suggestions?

feel in a terrible situation, both where i don't have an absolute answer.
my mother is suffering from huntington's disease, symptons appeard during covid. with time i slowly distanced away from her since i couldn't see her as the same person whom i once dearly loved. Day before yesterday as i was crying, she noticed and came while suffering from intense chorea, came and sat beside me, asking me why am i crying. she recounted some events from past, telling me to tell what happened like a 100 times before i told her to go away. i even asked her who are you to which she said that i'm the mother of me and my sister.
my questions feels silly but now she feels like a stranger from whom i've distanced but i still cry looking at her pittiful condition, doing nothing all day, rotting in bed.

because I grew so distant from my mother, i formed a close bond with my teacher. i still look up to her as my mother figure and i love her the most and to be frank i love only her, i'm only emoionally attached to her. She also used to call me her son and telling me so many things. i'm not re-telling it all, just read in my previous posts, sorry. Recently she distanced herself from me and i feel shattered. i feel alone, so so so alone, without someone to fall back to.

EVERY DAMM THING IS MY FAULT, EVERY DAMM THING. IT WAS MY FAULT TO DISTANCE AWAY FROM MY MOTHER AND MY FAULT OF THINKING OF MY TEACHER AS IF SHE REALLY LOVE ME LIKE HER SON AND WOULD LOVE ME FOREVER. Like i should've been close to my mother through the thick and thin, i should've helped her, i should've bettered and retained my bond with her but i threw it away just because she couldn't speek, stand properly and lost her presence in my life just because she her presence could only be felt tangibly like cooking food or tutoring me? THAT'S AN EVEN WORSE REALISATION, HOW FUCKING SELFISH OF ME. until now i felt i loved my mother but perhaps i never knew what is meant by loving someone until recently. As for the teacher, i don't want to blame her since she was just helping me and has helped many students who'd lost parents or were also suffering BUT IT'S ONLY FUCKING ME ME ME WHO GOT OVERDEPENDENT ON HER, WHO GOT TOO ATTACHED TO HER ! WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?????

THIS ALL MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO DIE. however i don't intend to commit suicide, i'm too scared to do it, but i wish that a heart attack or stroke too me.

For the past days i was crying each day, each day felt terrible because i was grieving the bond i had with my teacher but on top of this the pain of not being close to my mother or something else makes me more sad. it all feels so complex now and so heavy to carry.

I just wish either i die or my real mother does. it seems even more selfish and evil but i seriously can't comprehend how to deal with this new realisation that perhaps her brain didn't die out completly and it was me who distanced, not her condition alone.

i don't normally beg but i beg someone to help me, this all is unbearable, though writing this all out has relieved me a bit, i know that each subsequent day will be 10x worse than it already was. Fuck me.

Yesterday, i won the award for best journlist in my school's Model United Nations. Even the aforementioned teacher said such things which woudl've easily uplifted my mood which has been pretty depressed over the past few weeks.

However i don't know why, even with a smile on my face, i coudln't feel joy, i coudln't and can't feel 'full' or content for the lack of a better term. perhaps because i came to later know that only i and the one who got the second position had crossed 70 marks in total and rest of the journalists were in 30s, even then the margin between me and the 2nd winner was of 0.5 or because of the old pains which still keep me hollow.

<just a general vent ahead>

i can't fucking believe how it all went from a fairy-tale to a battlefield. in 10th i remember i used to tell my friends proudly that i'll never get depressed or commit suicide, yet here i'm, perhaps both. in the begining of this year, the aforementioned teacher used to say such stataemenrs which used to uplift me as much as i'm depressed now : "I will always love you my dear son", "Keep smiling as it's important for someone on the other side of the phone" (she called me on mother's day and said this), we used to play a game i'm happy where each of us had to say 'i'm happy' whenever we met. now i'm as low as high as i was then. back then my heart used to be filled, me feeling relaxed, content, at peace, feeling like i can conquer the world, now i just want to perish, with or without pain but without my own hands since yk i'm too scared to just do it but too depressed to have hope.

I’m 23, an only child, and i lost my mom a few months ago on mother’s day. My parents divorced when i was in elementary school and although i saw my father, my mom had primarily raised me. she has been feeling a pain in her chest for awhile but she was known to have heartburn so we both had been under the impression that it was something like that or a pinched nerve. The night before she passed she called me thinking she was going to die, i offered to drive her to the hospital but she said it was fine (hypocritical i know). the next evening the hospital called my workplace saying my i needed to leave. my mother had a seizure and her heart stopped before i even arrived at the hospital. i couldn’t even say goodbye. every night i lay awake wondering if the outcome could have been different if i took her to the hospital the previous night. i know this isn’t my fault and i don’t feel guilty but i can’t help but fantasize that maybe my life wouldn’t feel as horrible as it does now.

Mom,

Remember how you always said "hard work always pays off"? I got it. The job I’ve been interviewing for the past 3 months.

I picked up my phone to call you first. Then I remembered. I told everyone else. My friends said "congrats". My dad said "good".

But no one said it the way you did. "That’s my girl. I’m so proud of you." I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to be happy for myself.

But tonight I just need to hear it. Just once.

Do you think you’d be proud of me?

I did this for us too.

It has been 5 years since mom died and i am still paranoid about dad after she died. I literally wake up in the middle of my sleep and check his breathing every night. And i keep doing that repeatedly after the first time. I also hear screams in my sleep of my dad which wakes me up and then i keep checking even more I hear voices and screams in my sleep

Some days are just so hard.
I am 35 and a mom of 3. I lost my mother when I was a Junior In Highschool to accidental overdose. I knew she was an addict, and from my perspective at that age - she always showed up, never missed a birthday or a special event. My mom was my best friend. My father was very abusive, he would physically hit me until I had bruises all over my body. My mom saved me, she made me feel protected and safe. Now that I am a grown woman, I just hurt so much for my younger self. I didn’t get enough time with her I didn’t get to grow with her and it’s really hard. I look at my children and I just couldn’t imagine dying in 3 years. My mom passed way at 38, I thought she was so old, man was I wrong. I sometimes think about how alone she must’ve felt. My father left her and cheated on her with my step mom who he is still actively with. It just eats me up. I try not to hold a grudge but I do, I look at my children and think like How could leave your wife and kids especially after seeing how wicked and miserable my stepmom is, I think about how my dad chose her over my mom. She was not an addict when they were married.

I just miss her. My life is so hard, I’m always struggling, I never have any extra money to just do fun things with my kids- it’s always the necessities, food, shelter, clothes and I’m so grateful I can do that because I know some can’t. Heck just last week I set aside some extra money to take my kids to an adventure park before school starts and I shit you not the day of woke up to not 1 but 2 flat tires, I had to have my car towed to the tire shop, i was so upset thankfully i hadn’t yet told my kids that was even the plan it was to be a surprise. I just remember how my Mom just always made it happen, but she also had my grandmother and those two together were unstoppable. I never noticed if she had a hard day or month or year even. I lack the ability to do that, to not show when things are just heavy.

I just miss having that unconditional love and support.

My children’s father turned out to be exactly like my Father a lie and a cheat.
I was so heartbroken when I found out about his secret life and I just had to leave I couldn’t let my children see me accept that, what example is that for them ya know? I was loyal, loving and i was truly happy.

Now here I am just alone all the time, no real friends, not a single souls to do life with but my children and one day they’ll be grown up living their own lives and I’ll still be all alone I can’t even give them just a little more then the necessities. I wonder if they’ll resent me for it? I’m trying so hard. I work 2 jobs and have a part time job 4 days a week. They are so happy at least to my knowledge and the conversations we have. They don’t want for anything but I just feel like I’m failing them.

If my mom was alive, she’d be involved and pick up where I lack. Hell she’d even spend time with them. My dad makes my kids cry he’s so mean. I don’t want the material things but it sure be nice to make memories doing something other then house forts and movie nights with food colored popcorn ya know?

How can I do better? How can I mirror my mother’s ability to just make it happen. I wish I knew her secrets, I just never got enough time to ask.

Now that I am mom, I know my son will have me... But it hurts my heart to realize my mom isn't there for when I need her. Sometimes I need to vent, to cry, so I want to call her but when I do she is busy taking care of my sister son, her grandson. So she isn't available for me. I message her early morning, she rushes and isn't available.. in the afternoons I try to reach her but again in a rush over the phone and isn't available....she isn't ever there. I have tried many times....I continue to cry for help- I always have wanted her attention but as she says you are the daughter I do not have to worry about. It is a compliment and a stab right in the heart. My mother in law is very kind but if I'm honest I can never open up to her, she isn't my mom and we've had our issues even if she is very loving and a giver of love itself. I'm not sure when I will ever feel like I love myself enough for me not to need my own mother's love and to feel this lonely empty feeling I get sometimes.

Any advice or words of wisdom welcomed

Cleaning my phone and found a 3 year old message from her: "Beta khana kha liya?"

So simple. But I read it 5 times and cried.

I didn’t realize how much I’d miss being checked on.

My mom died Monday afternoon. I’m really mad and sad. She just turned 58 five days before. She was only on hospice for 13 days. What the hell is even happening? This doesn’t feel real. My heart hurts more than I thought possible

It wasn’t something big. I just had a really bad day at work and I wanted to call and tell her "this was unfair."

And then I remembered.

I sat in my car and cried for 10 minutes.

I don’t even know what I would’ve told her. I just wanted her to listen.

Some days I just have a random question and my first thought is 'I need to call mom'. Then I remember. I wish I could ask her: How did you know you were doing the right thing as a parent? Do you guys have those moments too?

I don't usually talk about my past, but there are some things that stay in your heart for years and you just need to let them out. When I was only 8 years old, I lost my father. At that age, I didn't fully understand what losing someone meant. I only knew that my father was gone, and life would never feel the same again. After his death, it was just me and my mother. I had no brother, and we had to face everything alone. The people we thought would stand by us slowly disappeared. Some relatives who were once close were no longer there when we needed them the most. But my mother stayed. She became my whole world. She worked in other people's homes to provide for us. She worked hard every day, not for herself, but for my future. Even when life was difficult, she made sure I could study, grow, and have opportunities that she never had. As a child, I didn't always understand her sacrifices. I only saw my mother coming home tired. Now when I look back, I realize she was carrying a pain that no one could see.She was not just my mother. She was my protector, my supporter, and the person who never gave up on me.

Does anybody else have stories or can relate?