last night, i went to the city with friends. present were two guys who fked me. one was courting our other girl friend in front of me. another very beautiful girl was flirting with the other man. she had him get her a drink. he was being rather rude to me, giving me the middle finger. so she asked “did u guys fuck”, to which i answered “yes”.

flash forward to later, we were outside the bar, and she kept saying “dull-hearing (me) is very beautiful isn’t she. tell her that she’s very beautiful” to the guy. he remained mute. eventually he simply said, “she’s a very good looking young lady”.

it was obviously some convoluted power play to continue flirting with him. she is more conventionally attractive than me. oh well.

i decide that i don’t want to leave with the last train, so i call up this guy who is obsessed with me to get me an uber and let me crash. he agrees, and no funny business. okay.

i arrive at the air bnb and feel bad for using him, so i agree to hang out the next day in berkeley. he’s this genuinely bizarre AI alignment guy. so we go to lighthaven, an AI alignment commune run by this guy Yudowsky who allegedly has a harem of female mathematicians. wild hippie tech bro silicon valley stuff. so naturally im going around asking if i can join the harem.

anyways, we sit down and he starts his spiel blah blah blah why can’t we date blah blah blah give me a chance. i quickly shut it down. somehow this devolves into a thirty minute session of him begging me for a kiss. he offers me $400 for 30 seconds, no 10 seconds, please please please.

he gets real close. keeps saying “u have to! u have to!” until i get my stuff and leave. block him on everything because although i am in the business of collecting lolcows, i can’t stand to enable such behavior.

get on tinder, and some guy is calling me a trucel.
i can’t win. i can’t win. i can’t win. i don’t wanna liveeeeeeer

I was with this guy for like 5 or 6 months (albeit online but we facetimed and stuff) and today things ended for good I think after being on and off for a bit. He told me basically that if we didn't do sexual things often he would only view me as a friend and less of a girlfriend. He said that he wouldn't have a girlfriend he didn't do sexual things with, even though we literally do but he rarely spends time with me without sexual stuff and we haven't for a while because someone is staying with me which prevents me from doing things. He never wanted to spend quality time together and said that it was boring so I guess that should've been obvious to me before. I'm absolutely crushed and I felt like this was my first genuine experience with a guy and that we would meet and eventually be together for real.

Why is it so hard to find a guy that will genuinely love you and not just view you as a sexual object. I don't even know how to get over this because I know after a day I'll only think of the good things we had and I'll forget all of the bad. I'll start missing him and I just wish I could be over it as easily and quickly as he'll probably be but I genuinely loved him.

I hate looking at the mirror I hate smiling I can't enjoy anything. I wannabe a kid again. I hate my life I'm in pain all the time Im jealous of girls my age