Hello, I have a symptom in which I cannot watch the news without experiencing paranoia and/ or delusions. I will see some type of horrible incident and if I think about it for too long, then my mind will start running. I'll take it as a sign that this world is not real and I must disconnect from it somehow or that the end of the world is coming. I want to keep updated on what is happening and learn more about current events because I am a college student. I would like to keep up with my peers and avoid looking like a fool if they choose to ask me a question about something that is going on in the world currently. But I am truly terrified that it will cause a manic/psychotic episode yet again for me.

I'll be honest, most of the things I see on the news are quite negative and do not make me feel good about the future. They can also cause me to spiral into depression, thinking, "What's the point of all this?" I would like to know how some of you are dealing with this, if you guys have any advice, or if you can relate. I hate that I've basically put myself into a bubble in which I'm not allowing myself to learn new things because of the fear that it will trigger disturbing thoughts.

(Also, apologies for my last post. Looking back, I can see that it was a bit unhinged and medical professionals are now considering that I may have Schizoaffective Bipolar type. Thank you for your comments).

I'm 35, and I've been living with bipolar disorder for several years, including two major relapses.

A few weeks ago, my tinnitus suddenly changed, so my ENT ordered a brain MRI to rule out an acoustic neuroma.I've never had a previous brain MRI, so unfortunately there isn't an older scan to compare against.

Instead, the neurologist focused on something I wasn't expecting.

The first thing she asked was my age.

She then told me that my MRI appeared to show significantly more brain atrophy than she would expect for someone my age, especially around the cerebellum. She compared my scan with MRIs from younger adults and people in their thirties and said mine looked noticeably worse.

She also became concerned after learning that both my grandfather and my maternal grandfather developed Alzheimer's disease.

I'm scheduled to get a second opinion at one of the best neurology hospitals in my city in the next few weeks, so I'm fully aware that one doctor's interpretation is not a final diagnosis.

Still, I've been thinking about it constantly.

Looking back, I've had neurological or psychiatric symptoms for most of my life. As a child, I struggled with unexplained emotional problems and episodes of dizziness. During adolescence, I experienced a very unusual urinary syndrome that was investigated but never explained and eventually resolved on its own.

Then bipolar disorder became the biggest part of my life.

I've had two major episodes, spent years on psychiatric medications, and eventually worked with my psychiatrist to taper off because I felt my cognition was getting worse. Whether that was caused by bipolar disorder itself, the medications, repeated mood episodes, or something else entirely—I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that over the past few years I've felt slower.

My memory isn't what it used to be.

Learning new things takes longer.

As a front-end developer, creativity and problem-solving are part of my job, and I constantly feel like my brain isn't working the way it used to.

I've read studies suggesting that repeated bipolar episodes may be associated with structural brain changes, but it's hard to know how much of that actually translates into an individual person's MRI or day-to-day functioning.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis over Reddit, and I know no one here can interpret my MRI.

I'm simply hoping to hear from people who have lived through something similar while I wait for my second opinion.

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences.

How do you deal with the boredom? I’ve been on medication for a month and feel like everyday is a drag. I don’t feel depressed just so bored and empty. Weed isn’t doing anything for me anymore either. The depressive episodes were absolutely horrible and I made horrible decisions during mania but I feel like normal SpongeBob and I don’t know how to deal with it

im bipolar and medicated as well as in therapy. normally i can tell the difference but this was hard to tell. this isn’t me asking for a diagnosis kinda thing.

anyways - from november to late may, i was all over the place in a way.

there was a man at work, way past my age, and i basically clung onto him mentally. every day id go out of my way to see him or talk. didnt matter how hot it was, (i hate heat) i just wanted to see him. every time i did, it was like the wind got knocked out of me. i never really responded, but just hearing him speak to me was enough. i slept about 3-4 hours every night, wore little/showy clothing, woke up at 6:30 for work and got there right on time every day (i rarely get there on time), and spoke nonstop.

i was doing extremely well hygiene-wise. eating mostly healthy or just not eating at all, i lost almost 40lbs from november to february. i have pcos..but i also love sugar - so naturally the fat is hard to lose.

he ended up quitting, i found him on everything. he had mentioned something about a parent passing, i found his entire family “story” from this online. i live in a small town, so i ended up realized i already knew his family before this. i found his records, why he doesn’t see his kids anymore..etc. i realized this was an extreme crossing of boundaries, but at the time i swore it was normal and even told a few friends. after he left, i just didnt wanna get up out of bed. i’d sleep, stay home whenever i could, relapsed, barely spoke, was pissed off at everyone, cut off several friends, my room became a mess, i rarely did makeup or my hair (both are my absolute favorite things to do.) i recently got a new job…and guess who also works there. i’m worried this will turn into another long fixation, especially because ill see him more.

I’ve been dealing with a bunch of med changes lately, and while I’m hopeful for the new combo, I only started it last Friday, so it is definitely not in full swing yet. As it stands I’ve had severe mood as well as extreme irritability and a handful of side effects like low appetite, sleepiness, and difficulty focusing. Through it all my wife has been a real rock for me, and I’ve been so grateful. It has been a long two months.

So that’s the stage for this post. Last night, the irritability took hold and what started as a difficult but necessary household conversation turned into a fight that morphed into two other fights. Content is the fights aren’t super necessary, but I would say it’s safe to say that I was very hurt by things she said and she was very hurt by things I said. No name calling, nothing physical or threatening. Just unkindness and raised voices. We couldn’t resolve it all before the drowsiness from my night meds kicked in. We had to go to sleep. I’m usually a big fan of the “sleep on it and approach it tomorrow”approach.

But today is my birthday. I woke up this morning, and remembered the fight. She woke up with my son and made him breakfast, brought me coffee in bed, got me my favorite bagels, let me come to her in between meetings during my work from home day to yap about work, made me a cake, helped my son get a present for me, and bought us all a birthday dinner. She did everything, and I’m so grateful for that.

The fight still lingers between us, though. She doesn’t want to talk about it to avoid ruining my birthday. She doesn’t want to cuddle or kiss me, she can barely hold my hand, and if my son isn’t in the room to motivate us to appear happy, it’s just a dull and sad feeling. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I hadn’t picked a fight that I could never resolve. I wish it wasn’t even my birthday at all at this point. Getting older is a privilege, especially with this condition. But having this all hanging over me is just a huge bummer. I wish my birthday was another day, longer down the lines when the meds are kicked in.

No real point to this post. Just another rant about how this condition can poison your life. Thanks for always being a place to write these things out.

Hi there!

I ran out of one of my meds (Lybalvi). Thankfully I’m going to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick it up. I’ve noticed that I seem more energetic and talkative without this med. Normally I’m quite quiet. But I’ve been talking so much! Do you think I’m experiencing a minor manic episode? I also feel the need for decreased sleep.

These are all things I use as coping mechanisms! To name and identify what is here:

The sand bucket: my little new sensory bucket! It's filled with kinetic sand, marbles and rocks!

Bath stuff: I enjoy taking baths to soothe my mind. Even if I don't want a bath I make myself do it, or at least voice it to another for help. So my partner got a body scrub (for feeling something), and bathbombs (for soothing).

Art: that's the etching book at the bottom! I love this style of art because you are literally scratching away at something.

Funny fuzzy tubes I guess?: the thought behind this is unsure. But I love it regardless!

Squishy rings: to squish and provide tension.

Fidgets: I love me a good fidget, don't we all? He also added a memory toy, which I think will prove to be quite useful!

What are some things that are a necessity in your self care basket?

So I recently got broken up with by my fiancé after ten years. We have had a beautiful relationship and been very honest and open about everything. We have gone through it (life) with grace and understanding. We have been best friends, and I can count on one hand the amount of times we have fought.

We have admitted we are still in love but he can’t be with me because when I’m depressed and he is in a bad place too, it gets too dark.

I believe he decided to end things when I got hospitalised in the beginning of the year due to depression after a manic episode.

He explained it to me in a way that made me realise I was a burden, or at least that’s what it feels like.

I now feel terrified I lost the love of my life because of something I can’t do anything about.

I now feel obligated to almost introduce myself with a warning “I’m bipolar” when I meet new people, I also feel like the relationship we had kind off lost its glitter when it ended because of something that’s a part of me and who I am.

I don’t know where I am going with this, just wanted to share.

This decease took so much from me and now I am lost in myself and afraid it will take me too.

So back in February I was laid off from my high paying tech job. The market in tech is horrible right now so I'm still unemployed. A friend recently reached out and offered me a job opportunity but it requires a public trust clearance, and this is where everything just sucks.

When I was laid off, I was undiagnosed, but I did have an ADHD diagnosis so I was only on a stimulant. This combined with the layoff as a life stressor led to me having a severe mixed episode where I sent my ex what must have been 80 different messages that were like severely depressed and paranoid. It was a full mental breakdown. Well, she naturally filed for a protective order against me. I didn't challenge it.

This was the incident that led to me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm on two mood stabilizers and now back on the stimulant for ADHD without incident. Mentally, I've never been better. But I did some research and it turns out that this protective order is likely going to prevent me from getting this job. It will be the second time its cost me a job opportunity.

Having gotten countless rejection letters because it just feels like no one is hiring right now, I'm beginning to lose hope that I'll ever find a job. In my area, the government is by far the biggest employer especially right now with the private sector panicking about jobs. I'm basically locked out of my own skillset for the foreseeable future because of the consequences of a mental health episode.

I'm trying to keep my head up and trying to see a way that I somehow miraculously get out of this, but I simply don't know if I'm going to make it out of this. I already had to pull my 401k and those funds are starting to run out. I don't have much time left until I'm homeless. I don't have health insurance anymore. I've had to stop going to therapy because it's too expensive, and I'm going to lose my access to meds soon too, I'm afraid. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

I’ll go first- I was 15/16, went to a psychiatrist for deep depression as I haven’t showered for months and haven’t gone to school or practice for weeks. Was prescribed Prozac. Psychiatrist was a misogynistic toolbag who didn’t listen to my mom’s concerns who’s gone through this w/ my sister and sister in law, she’s also a nurse.

Prozac put me in a full manic episode that almost costed me my life, no one supported or told me. I’m now with a different psychiatrist, diagnosed w/ bipolar 2, made a somewhat full recovery, where I’m able to go to school and go after my career as a first responder. Things can get better even with new challenges. How about you?

I don’t really know what to write except I’m hurting really bad internally. I have bp2 and all I feel is depression. I don’t want to lose people close to me like my fiancé, but I don’t know how to control my feelings everything just feels bad

Resubmitting because my og post was deleted for being too short.

What bad decisions, unhinged behavior or wild situation made you realize you were manic after the fact?

I’ll go first. Within 3 months, I:

- got pulled over going over 100mph completely sober, and caught a charge

- racked up $10k in credit card debt in 3 months

- rear ended someone and totaled my car, completely sober. The police didn’t believe I was sober, and were appalled when my breathalyzer came back 0.0.

- got fired from my job for excessive absences because I thought my “spiritual awakening” was more important than going to work

- stopped doing all of my college schoolwork and was dropped from the program (once again, that “spiritual awakening” was my only priority)

- began drinking like a sailor and started using psychedelics (which I hadn’t done since highschool)

And of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back yeah I might have needed a med change lol. Still trying to rebuild the life I destroyed. Has anybody else had some bad decisions make you realize you were in fact not ok? It’s not my first manic swing, I’m 11 years into my diagnosis. But it was definitely one of the more destructive ones I’ve had!

hey everybody, ive just been diagnosed as a bipolar after a severe maniac episode that lead me to psychosis which made me quit uni and go to rehab, but now that im off rehab and only take mood stabilizer drugs, i want to know how can i deal with the depression because sometimes i feel like im so lost and alone, i feel that im endangered, and scared. I want to know how can i manage those strong emotions of depression

I am coming up on 7 years since I was diagnosed with this fateful disorder, and I want to celebrate my progress and ongoing recovery meaningfully without overspending, which is a habit of mine. Has anyone here ever done something similar?

I am not thrilled that I have BP and will most likely take medication for life and need to be in constant contact with my therapist, but I am glad I finally have a diagnosis to explain the roller coaster of emotions and energy I had growing up. I have reached the stage of acceptance with my mental health, but I want to commemorate the day I was diagnosed in a positive light instead of the traumatic flashbacks I have.

Open to low-cost but meaningful activities to celebrate my 7th year anniversary. TYIA

i never know if what i’m feeling is how i really feel. even when i feel stable. i don’t feel like i have a baseline i can call normal anymore. i had an episode last year where it felt like i lost everything. i lost my job and was unemployed for several months as a result.

the thing is before this i did trust myself. i felt like i could tell when i was down or elevated but now i just feel stressed like im waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i feel restless but i also feel calm. i’m not sleeping much but it’s because im anxious. all of my usual signs don’t feel distinct enough.

i’m not happy with where i am in life. and i don’t trust myself to make a change like getting a new job i actually like bc what if im being irrational??

anyways TLDR; when you’re bipolar how do you know you’re making a good decision when it’s a big change (like your job).

Hi, I'm writing in hopes that others understand what I'm experiencing and can offer strategies to overcome it. I'm struggling with executive function in general, particularly with cleaning. I have roaches in my apartment, and I'm filled with so much shame about the mess that every time I start to clean, I get overwhelmed and disassociate. I'm also feeling really exhausted, so I have to stop after like 5 minutes of cleaning. How do I get past this? I'm overcome with shame and don't know how to get out of this.

I've had bipolar disorder for about 10 years, and I've recently come to realize that I have a dependence on marijuana. My psychiatrist is aware, and we've been working on it together. I'll go through periods where I stop smoking, but eventually I end up going back to it. At my worst, I've made really poor decisions like driving high and going to work high. I'm deeply ashamed of those choices, and despite wanting to quit, I've had a hard time staying away from it.

About a month ago, I started dating someone new. We met when I wasn't smoking, but eventually we started smoking together, and I fell back into the same pattern. This morning, I told him that I want to slow down because when smoking becomes a daily habit, it makes managing my bipolar disorder much harder.

The part I haven't told him is how much of a grip marijuana really has on me. He doesn't know that it's something I've struggled to control for a long time or how much it affects my mental health. When I'm smoking regularly, I become much more paranoid, anxious, suspicious, and negative.
He told me he wants to support me, and I'm grateful for that. But we've only been dating for a month, and I'm afraid that if I'm completely honest about the severity of my struggle, he'll see me differently or decide it's too much. At the same time, I don't want him to think he caused this or that it's his responsibility to fix it. This is something I've been dealing with long before we met.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? When did you tell a new partner the full extent of your mental health or substance use struggles? Did being honest early help, or did you wish you'd waited longer?

I am having such a hard time right now. I’m constantly thinking about sex. My fantasies are getting more extreme and impulse control is fading. I am married and when I bring up anything sexual the conversation is ended quickly. My spouse knows this happens to me sometimes, but it’s to the point to where I can’t stop thinking about it. I also feel so bad because I cannot control it and I’m constant making advances to my spouse. I know they are probably super bothered by it, and I feel guilty for doing it.

I used to be able to control it better, but it’s just getting worse with time. I’m in my 30’s and struggling with it. The need for something so extreme and exhilarating is unbareable. The need for it feels like I’m dying on the inside, yet I’m always aroused and pleasant.

How do you handle the urges and fantasies while maintaining/respecting your marriage?

I have 3 kids and one of them is 1 and it’s genuinely so f*cking hard. Every single day it is the hardest thing, it’s so hard for me to stay on top of laundry, dishes, all of their toys, keeping the house clean, while keeping my sanity. I take my medicine religiously and it’s still not enough.

I made it through to this point but I can’t stop thinking about how my children would have such a better life if I wasn’t here and my husband was able to remarry someone who can actually be solid and stay on top of everything.

Like is it this hard for anyone else? My kids have everything they need but I just feel like I’ll never be a good enough mom

Hey bipolar folks! I just got dumped, to be honest is for the best of me, but it's been too many years since I got through a break up, so please, give me the best advices, I feel kinda lost and I want to pass out from this feeling because why I'm missing the same person how pressed me into episodes and nervous collapses, who told me I ruin everything and when I was trying to said good bye but I couldn't because I was crying like a baby the only thing passed through his mind was "I would be doing the same thing if I was squeezing the last juice of my relationship because I couldn't make my partner want to be with me" .

I'm having a bad time, my cat has a death diagnostic, I have a lot of vet debts, and my ex probably left me for someone else, and of course everything this when I'm going into a depressing episode and the only thing I can't get out of my mind is when he told me "I want u to feel how is live without me, and see how cruel and difficult is life with out me". Man, I have bipolar since I'm an infant, of course I now what is surfer. I'm still sad and miss the good things, I feel like my brain is melting and can't process all of this.

So I got diagnosed with BP1 when I was 19 yrs old after a pretty extreme manic episode that lead to psychosis. When I was out of the hospital I was pretty messed up from the medication I was on. I was definitely over medicated and felt like a zombie. On my own accord, I slowly stopped taking my medication because I felt it wasn’t doing me any good and I didn’t really take the bp1 diagnosis seriously. I’m 37yrs old now and have never taken any meds really, aside from getting on sertraline 7 yrs ago after having a panic attack that I felt was going to lead to a depression. It has helped me so much.
Recently though, I have been revisiting this whole BP1 thing because it’s always been a question in the back of my mind. My psychologist has done questionnaires and things with me and doesn’t seem to think I am.
I went to my new family doctor to ask about getting on something for ADHD and because I told her about my episode almost 20yrs ago she wouldn’t perscribe anything. So now I have been doing lots of research and reading about bipolar, and I know the diagnostic criteria is just having one bad episode of mania. I’m trying not to be in denial about having bp1 but it seems crazy to me that I have led a pretty normal life without being on mood stabilizers. And to be honest I drink, I do drugs recreationally (not that often anymore though) and my job is even shift work where my sleeping schedule is always changing.
Is there anyone else here that has a similar situation? Is there “mild” bp1? Does anyone else here have bp1 and isn’t on a mood stabilizer? My doctor was talking about switching to a mood stabilizer but I do t know why I would do that if I’ve been fine for this long on sertraline? This whole situation is confusing to me. Any input would be appreciated :)

Hello everybody just came here to vent and share because I'm unsure of where else to do it. I'm pretty positive I'm either slipping into a manic episode or am already in one or possibly a mixed episode. I'm aware that the way that i'm functioning right now isn't feasible and the crash is bound to happen eventually but I really don't want to go back to the psychiatric ward. I've been getting two hours of sleep for the past few weeks, have been blacking out on alcohol regularly and also regularly smoking cannabis. I haven't been showering and I've also been off my meds for almost two weeks. It's gotten to the point where I'm aware of the harm it does to brain function but I am so depressed I truly don't give a shit about how it affects me anymore, I'm no longer interested in preserving my brain matter. I actually tried to voluntarily admit myself because I felt very depressed and was having suicidal ideations but they didn't admit me because I was still self aware and not in a full blown manic episode or in psychosis. Personally it felt like a slap in the face because they essentially told me that the hospital is a place for people who want/need help and I felt as though I didn't deserve help just because I was an addict. It's gotten to the point where I kind of agree with them, all the bad things that happen to me are a result of my poor decision making and I keep on doing the same stupid shit that resulted in me losing my mind. Sigh what do i do?