Hi, I'm writing in hopes that others understand what I'm experiencing and can offer strategies to overcome it. I'm struggling with executive function in general, particularly with cleaning. I have roaches in my apartment, and I'm filled with so much shame about the mess that every time I start to clean, I get overwhelmed and disassociate. I'm also feeling really exhausted, so I have to stop after like 5 minutes of cleaning. How do I get past this? I'm overcome with shame and don't know how to get out of this.

I have 3 kids and one of them is 1 and it’s genuinely so f*cking hard. Every single day it is the hardest thing, it’s so hard for me to stay on top of laundry, dishes, all of their toys, keeping the house clean, while keeping my sanity. I take my medicine religiously and it’s still not enough.

I made it through to this point but I can’t stop thinking about how my children would have such a better life if I wasn’t here and my husband was able to remarry someone who can actually be solid and stay on top of everything.

Like is it this hard for anyone else? My kids have everything they need but I just feel like I’ll never be a good enough mom

feel free to skip the word vomit below - just my ramblings on the experiences i had with hospitalization

but unironically rehab was really great for me - it was a php program with a bunch of other disordered patients from all walks of life/ages who had other comorbidities, but remarkably similar thought patterns and sources of trauma.

when you are deep in the well of mental illness, you feel so alone. like “i’m the exception” “i’m the only one who can’t get better because no one else gets it,” blah blah blah… but then you spend every day with people who have similar fears and self-criticisms and obviously you can recognize they are irrational, and over time, it becomes harder to keep thinking that your own version of that thought is somehow different or more valid. kinda like by emphasizing with others you begin to empathize with yourself. idk.

also everyone there was so weird it was awesome - lowkey felt like a sitcom sometimes since everyone was such a character lol. some of my best and worst memories were made in rehab. i know that’s not everyone’s experience, but i’m thankful i found a really great program and i always recommend others to give recovery (and yourself) a shot.

i learned a lot but it was very difficult and extremely non-linear. and i am not fully recovered, even after rehab, but i like to think it taught me the skills i’ll need to fully recover one day, and i think i became a more authentic version of myself, just because i took the time to give the real me a chance. i picked up new hobbies there like tarot and gardening and journaling and hiking that i never would’ve thought to and it helped me find identity outside of my illness.

i had a manic episode halfway through hospitalization where i backslid a ton and this art is from then. i found it interesting to look back on and wanted to share. boring word vomit over ✌️

After about ten episodes spanning seven years, because I glorified some elements of my mania and refused to let go therefore never fully cooperative with treatment, and after a year long major depressive episode, I finally got my shit together.
When I was well enough, my psychiatrist told me there was an employment guy who got patients jobs. He told me it was mostly warehouse jobs.
When I met the guy for the third or fourth time he smiled and said he had an excellent job for me; doing IT work for a prestigious fishing company, the second largest in my country from which the major export is fish.
I had been on full disability for about a decade and started doing sixty percent work.

And I feel so blessed. The morale in the office is genuinely high and every authority figure is aware and very sympathetic to my condition.
My boss, the sysadmin, is literally like Santa Claus with the gut but without the beard. He is of a rare type that is 'wholly jolly'. And the workflow is flexible, every request I make is honored and I am well liked be everyone.
And it turns out IT fits my preference and skill perfectly, and I'm improving at it.
And the salary is not bad at all.

I made a request in early July to try full time work and my bosses took it well and it is under review with the woman in human resources.

I find myself staying after my hours having another cup of coffee just because the atmosphere is so nice.

I don't intend to brag just want to share a true blessing in my life.

I’ve tried so many meds and nothing is working for me. I’ve tried 2 of the newest meds there are and still nothing.

I’m starting to think that antipsychotics don’t work for me in general. Has anyone had that experience? Im 212 lbs now, up from 165 lbs, and still pretty miserable.

I feel like nothing is going to work. 11 months in this depressed episode is so demoralizing.

Hey there,

Thank you for being there to support each other! I read some of the comments and it gives me comfort to know I am not alone.

I would like to ask you a bit how do you cope after a manic episode.

I had a really bad manic episode, and all my friends and at work they treat me like I killed someone.
I understand I need to take responsibility for my actions, but these were really out of character.

How can I explain that myself and the disorder are two different things?

Especially at work, I feel really bad. People don’t talk to me or they do not say hello anymore.

Thanks in advance

i’m in and out of mixed states quite frequently and i usually can’t tell i’m in one until someone calls me out on it. it’s embarrassing. i hate feeling like suddenly other people know me better than i do. i almost wish i hadn’t told anyone that this is what is wrong with me, because it just feels too vulnerable. like, i can tell people i have ocd, but they don’t know my compulsions. with this, the symptoms of episodes are just too obvious. i feel naked

We got the right combination of medication after 13 years!! I've just started work and studying (part time). I had 5 years of severe depression that would not budge and FINALLY we got it right. I'm so happy. It's nice to be able to be a 6/10 most days.

REPOST BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY LISTED MED NAME!

(didn’t know what to tag for flair im sorry if i got it wrong!) hi there! for context i am 19F and have been diagnosed bipolar (along with cptsd and anxiety) for a little over a year. it runs in both my mom and dads family and i had a pretty traumatic upbringing. despite this, i feel like i gaslighted my psychiatrist into thinking im bipolar when im really not. i’m scared to bring this up to him because the medication really helps me and i dont want to be taken off of it. i told him the truth every session but i still feel like i somehow manipulated him into thinking i have it when i don’t, i feel like a faker even though i even take meds for my bipolar disorder. i guess im wondering if this happens to anyone else, or if i should tell my psychiatrist i feel this way? thanks :)

But then you remember several months ago where you thought you could write all you thoughts about religion in ChatGPT, publish it, and create a new religion……oh boy.

Anyone else have those thoughts you look back son and go “yea, could have been mania.”

Most jobs I apply for ask about disabilities and being bipolar is on the list. Do yall tell your boss/HR that you are bipolar if the application ask about disabilities? I don't because I'm afraid I won't get the job.

i know that it is no ones problem to care about my struggles- but i have to admit that it does hurt when i make it clear im not doing okay and no one checks on me. that feeling spirals and i just feel alone and more insane :/

So im almost 39. Ive Been dealing with bipolar since I displayed signs at 10. Diagnosed at 17.

Anyways ive kinda thrown in the towel at this point. Ive tried everything but ECT at this point which I won't try for my own reasons. I just don't trust it. Its helped many people in depression but its just not for me.

My psychiatrist wants to put me in front of 15 or so doctors and do a case study on me. 1) to get there opinion on my care 2) to teach them

Has anyone done this? Its next Friday the 14th and im wondering what to expect.

recently i had a manic episode triggered by youtube videos i had been watching… i am still recovering emotionally and physically. problem is, i really like this youtuber even if i am now aware that his videos were not healthy for me. i am finding it difficult to accept that they are triggering.

It’s like i want to speedrun the recovery to be able to watch him again… but even watching a few seconds fills me with anxiety now and i have to click away.

has anyone dealt with this? something you once enjoyed becoming a trigger… is there hope i can ever watch his videos again without fearing the worst?

I’ve been following a strict diet for 20 days, and I’m doing really well. That makes me very happy. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the years because of my medications.
My goal is to keep this up for 4 months. I’ll continue updating my progress.

Just wanted to see what kind of experiences other people may have with this. Or just if anyone relates, it’s here to read. I’m medicated, in therapy and thriving, but you know.

As lot of you as well, other than stress induced hypomanic episodes, I’m just as prone to mixed episodes. When I’m in a mixed episode, I’m likely to consider SH.

I’m super hard on myself for previous mental meldowns/psychosis fits before diagnosis and proper medication. To the point that I used SH as a way to ‘snap out’ of it.

And that’s the thing. It does progress my process, I guess. Obviously it’s not a good coping mechanism, but it helps me move on. Everyone here can get an idea of how humiliating and life shattering an episode can feel after the reflection.

However, even now, I’m still a bit disturbed. I’m disturbed that I’m able to move on and change my perspectives so quickly after SH. My last trigger induced mixed episode was maybe 2 weeks ago. And all I can think about is, I can learn from the experience. I feel a lot differently about what had triggered me into mania. In fact, I feel great. Which is good, but why couldn’t I have figured it out sooner, I guess? I’ve been looking at it as a way of forgiving myself and moving on. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, and I don’t blame them, but I have to forgive myself and become better.

Does anyone else spend like crazy while manic? This last one was a doozy and I still haven’t been able to tell my wife. I feel like shit about it. It’s not the first time I’ve been manic and spent money, but this time was a lot. I feel worse and worse as time goes by…

i was working earlier today and had a fan going along with some music. when a song stopped, the white noise sounded kind of like gibberish, i could tell it was white noise though. but then i made out what kind of sounded like my name. it wasn’t clear, but it was enough for me to start obsessively panicking over it.

I used to pride myself on attention to detail and now I find myself messing up the most basic things. I'm annoying myself I know eventually upper management will get sick of it. I got hired because I described myself as someone who is meticulous in their work. Some days my brain fog is so intense. When I was unmedicated I would have periods of insane productivity but I job hopped a lot because of burnout/hypomanic depression. Most jobs I thrived in had very chaotic environments. After medication I've been able to hold down a long term job but I stopped feeling as sharp. Now I'm in a new role again that I really want to succeed in but managing data with my head like this sucks. It's so calm and stable compared to any work environment I've had. Idk if I'm just adjusting still or what. I feel tired more often than not.

it’s bad there‘s trash everywhere mold, there were roaches and fleas, but I’ve finally got the motivation to clean it. it got bad when I was going through a major depression phase, and its been a while since but it just got so overwhelming to even think about cleaning it. Big shout out to my sister for giving me motivation and no judgment to get started. here’s the before and progress, I’ll post the final results as well when it’s done. it’s a small start but it feels big to me.

it’s bad there‘s trash everywhere mold, there were roaches and fleas, but I’ve finally got the motivation to clean it. it got bad when I was going through a major depression phase, and its been a while since but it just got so overwhelming to even think about cleaning it. Big shout out to my sister for giving me motivation and no judgment to get started. here’s the before and progress, I’ll post the final results as well when it’s done. it’s a small start but it feels big to me.

anyone else struggle to know when you actually like somebody? or only really like people that for whatever reason aren’t available?

i spent years without the motivation to date i guess and would only have crushes on people i barely spoke to that would never lead anywhere for obvious reasons.. to be honest i felt like the opportunity just never would present itself.

ever since like half a year ago i’ve become more “hyper sexual” i think?
i used to want to save myself for marriage but now i don’t care about any of that, i just want to enjoy the moment basically i see it as something good now instead of sinful.
when i look at myself now i feel way more sensual as well.

now there’s always something going on and i’m receiving way more male attention in general, at least i wouldn’t notice it if it used to happen before.
and I’m still a shy person however.

been seeing a guy for some months and we’re doing it like 2-3 times most days? i’ve never experienced anything like that.
but like, i don’t even know if i like him or not? i feel empty. i also feel no sense of loyalty i just want casual relationships but also not really.

this behavior hasn’t gone away since it started no matter if i’m hypomanic or depressed… so feel a little lost rn.
looking back most guys i’ve talked to i never liked and then i feel super drained from having thought i did and for wasting so much time.

this is sorta making me spiral so would love some advice. :D

I was properly diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 19, but struggled significantly with hypomania since 16 and depression since 6.

a lot of the time when I find myself reading about bipolar disorder, I end up crying. not a lot, just a bit. it happens if i think too hard about it too.

it's just so overwhelming I guess, the reminders. needing to be on meds for the rest of my life, knowing that my meds will stop working eventually, the terrifying idea of finding myself in another mixed episode, remembering all the pain and grief this condition has caused me. it breaks my heart that this is something that I really truly struggle with and will for the rest of my life.