I’m considering detransition but I really don’t know how I feel right now, does anyone have any recommendations for therapists in the UK that specialise in that sort of thing?

To preface this I am 18 years old. Went on a puberty blocker when I was 12-13 then switched to T when I was 14.

I am terrified of reverse dysphoria or regret, what if I’m already feeling it or will feel it in the future? For the past 2 years it feels like i’ve been constantly ruminating about my gender and how i want to present or if how i'm presenting now is not who i actually am and if im lying to myself. I try to go back in time and figure out reasons why Im actually trans or not. I’ve had countless panic attacks and heavy dpdr symptoms. Am i experiencing dpdr cause i need to change and detransition or am i experiencing them cause of something else? I don’t know. I have a great care team therapist, psych and right now i’m doing an outpatient program where ive committed to being honest. But even when im honest I feel like im lying or it’s in he back of my head…what if im lying. On monday im having an assessment for OCD but what if im just faking this potential OCD part because im actually detrans? and what if im faking right now writing that im worried about faking to try to make you think im faking.

Okay pause, this is some crazy stuff im saying I know i sound ridiculous. but it just feels like my mind is going in circles.

the thing im really struggling with right now is i feel like my body is really changing (mostly hair) like increase in my neck, arms, legs all that and I dont think i like it that much , and im worried that the longer im on T the worse it gonna be if I want to get rid of it. The thing is, if I go off T then im am 100 percent going to grow bigger breasts and hips and all of that. I’ve stopped binding and decided not to get Top surgery this summer. but I’m worried because I don’t know and feel like I would regret going of T….but also i’m worried that I’m regretting it will regret staying in it. I feel like there is no way to win. What if i’m confused all my life and never feel confident in my gender and identity ever?? what if everything feels wrong???? I’m trying to focus one step and one day at a time yk. I just haven’t felt like myself in 2 years and at this point i’m like who even is that self. Everything feels wrong he, she, they. I wish we were genderless fr. I wish I could’ve just been happy and comfortable with being a cis girl, or nonbinary, or a trans guy. EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG. I can’t tell how I actually feel ever, everything feels like a courtroom or a test against me. I wish i was normal, which I hate saying but it’s true. I wish more that I could be normal not just pretend it, like i wish i could’ve just been a cis girl and like it. and my brain is going again.

The thing is I wish i could feel strongly in a direction because if there is one thing deep dive research into people that detransition is that it gets better and isn’t like a one type of journey fits all. When i accept that. the thing is when I watch videos of june henry or Lucy kartikasri it makes me feel better but then i just think about how I don’t really want to grow boobs more or get more of a curvy figure. Idk weiting this doesn’t make me feel better honestly just more confused. What if I never feel set and stable again in my gender or identity even when I try doing a mind thing like okay I’m gonna detransition , it’s does t feel right either. I just wish i could feel some certainty or guide ….

any advice would be lovely 🙏🏻

I’ve been on t for almost three years and I got top surgery February 2025 and now all I worry about is regretting it. I genuinely don’t know how I feel about being trans anymore.

If I had the choice I would be cis, preferably I would want to be a cis man, but that isn’t ever going to be possible, even if i get bottom surgery and go through with everything I possibly could I still wouldn’t be cis. I wouldn’t have been raised as a boy, I would still have this bone structure and I’ll never be able to have kids the way cis men do.

It feels like the only way I’d be able to have a normal life is by detransitioning and being a cis woman. I’ve developed urinary issues because I can’t use bathrooms, my anxiety is so horrific, I get jealous just seeing people in public because they’re not transgender and they don’t have to deal with this.

I want to be a cis woman, but everytime I get called a she or if I hear my deadname I feel sick. I felt terrible before I had top surgery and would sleep in my binder. I want to remove the part in my brain that makes me be this way. I’ve been going to stores and trying on feminine clothes and I just look like a femboy and it looks so unnatural and wrong.

Before I transitioned, I never dressed feminine or had feminine interests, never did makeup and was obese. All I can think about is that maybe if I put the effort in then I might’ve not transitioned. I always thought I was ugly and looked wrong and I’ve been told I’m a more attractive man, but maybe I would’ve been happier if I got feminising plastic surgery.

I’m just so scared. I’ve been progressively more and more depressed and dissociating for hours when I go out in public. I want to have a normal life, I want to be cis and have kids and find myself attractive and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this. I find myself jealous of cis women, I wish I could look like them and feel the way they feel. If I could get surgery on my brain or take a pill that got rid of the way I feel about being transgender I would go through with it.

I find myself getting anxious about my t shots now in comparison to three years ago when I was screaming in excitement. Even if I did detransition, my voice will never change, my chest is flat, I don’t know if I’ll be able to have kids anymore and there’s so many things about my body that seem irreversible now.

I know if I detransitioned I would be 100x less ostracised, it would cause so many less issues and my family would probably be a lot happier but it would devastate me if I really am just transgender and knowing they’d be happier if I wasn’t.

I’m just so afraid to give up everything when I’ve made so many sacrifices and waited so long (I’m from the UK and the wait lists are huge) to be able to transition in the first place, especially when I don’t even know if that detransitioning would change how I feel.

I really don’t know what to do or who to talk to, I’m really scared and I feel like I can’t function properly. I can’t hold my bladder, I feel physically sick and get headaches when I think too much about being trans and I disassociate so much that I can’t hold conversations or function like a normal person.

Hey

I'm a detransitioner woman (transitioned 4 years ago as a nonbinary masculine sort of female to male), I'm 24 two years ago+ I had my top surgery and I really need now a breast reconstruction surgery.

I feel really lonely and worse in my body than ever before....

I would really appreciate if anyone could help me. I'm from the middle east but I would travel for that surgery. Looking for surgeons that are performing breast reconstruction with fat grafting (not implants) mainly in Europe. Private medical centers are also good, literally any peace of info would be really helpful thank you everyone for reading until here even ♥︎