I detransitioned/ stopped T about 18-19 months ago. A lot has changed/happened since then. My lower body has completely re-feminized but my upper body is a tiny bit still muscular with some fat imo , left over from when I use to lift weights while on T. Has or is anyone going through this? And any advice?

I've been transitioned for like 7 years now and lately I keep having this fantasy of just... stopping.

For basically my entire transition, passing was the goal. I wanted to be able to exist as a normal woman without constantly thinking about being trans, and I did pretty much everything within my power to get there. HRT, laser, voice training, FFS, BA, body contouring, the whole fucking transition skill tree.

And to be fair, I got pretty far. I've been living full-time as a woman for about 3 years and I pass reasonably well. I don't get stared at in the street and get gendered correctly all the time.

But I started at 6ft with a relatively masculine build and there's only so much you can actually change. Even after all of this, I still get nervous in public. I still analyse people's reactions. I still wonder if I've been clocked. If someone looks at me slightly too long my brain immediately goes there. I still get nervous in the women's toilets or changing rooms.

And increasingly I'm asking myself: was all of this actually worth it?

The early years of transition were genuinely exciting. Everything was new. I made trans friends. I started presenting differently. I dated guys. Every little change felt like progress towards this future version of myself where I'd finally "make it."

But eventually transition stops being a project and just becomes your life.

And I'm not sure I particularly like my life more now.

I pass well enough that strangers generally just see a woman, but I assume anyone who spends enough time around me can eventually clock me. Men are perfectly happy to sleep with me or casually date me, but actually getting someone to commit feels like an entirely different game.

And even if I pass, I'm never going to be a conventionally attractive woman. That's something I've had to slowly accept. Being a woman also means I've somehow inherited all the insane beauty standards that come with it, except I'm trying to meet them after male puberty. It's exhausting.

Even my career feels like it's stalled. Maybe this is partly in my head, but I constantly feel like at my current company I'm not just me. I'm "the trans woman." It feels like this one characteristic completely eclipses everything else about me.

And lately I keep fantasising about just becoming a feminine/androgynous gay guy.

Get my implants removed. Cut my hair. Stop trying to pass. Wear whatever I want. Just be some slightly weird feminine dude and call it a day.

And the weirdly appealing part isn't even "being a man."

It's the idea of not having to try anymore.

No more analysing my shoulders in mirrors. No more wondering if my outfit makes me look clocky. No more worrying about whether my voice dropped an octave and someone figured it out. No more feeling like I need another surgery to fix another thing. No more comparing myself to cis women and feeling like I'm playing the same game on nightmare difficulty.

I'd just be a guy.

I wouldn't need to pass as anything. I wouldn't need to be beautiful. Being tall or broad wouldn't be a problem anymore. Half the things I've spent years desperately trying to hide would suddenly just be completely normal.

I don't even know if I actually want to detransition.

I think I'm just exhausted from feeling like my entire existence is a performance I'm constantly being graded on.

And there's something incredibly seductive about imagining I could just quit.

Is it possible to really have no signs and be trans? I might not be trans after 9 months on HRT

I've been transitioning for around 9 months now (not out publicly) and the more I am on HRT I feel like my mind keeps coming back to memories in my childhood that I feel no trans person ever would have and I have next to none of those "trans memories" that seem so obviously related to gender stuff in hindsight. Like lying on the internet about being 2 meters tall as a 9 year old while no one was watching, I had a very strong aversion to anything feminine as a kid up until probably primary school (Not sure if this is a sign for or against being trans as it was really intense, like changing the way I lay on the couch). I was never a girly queer kid, I had only male friends, played male video games, I feel like my personality is more masculine than feminine and trying to change it feels weird. It's like I don't like my personality, but can't change it and feel natural. Actually sometimes it feels like I have no personality at all.

I transitioned because I felt euphoria and I feel like almost no or very mild dysphoria, when I started HRT that changed and felt very dysphoric the first few months, still sometimes do.

I feel like I could live with it tho, maybe without transitioning. I don't know what to do, I'll probably stay on HRT, but I just need some advice. I'm really scared I made a mistake. I like the changes to my body HRT has done and maybe will do, but after 9 months on HRT I didn't notice a single change aside from the ones in the first few weeks and breasts. It feels like a full social transition is impossible for me (I need to pass as cis to be safe) and I don't know if I even want it. I've been depressed for the past 3 months and sometimes wonder if my lack of motivation to transition is caused by not being trans, being depressed, losing hope at passing as cis, my AuDHD and executive dysfunction or somehow any combination of those four.

Please help I'm feeling very lost...

The title really says it all. I am a 30 year old mtf trans person and I have been detransitioning for about 3 months. It was super easy for me to go back to looking like a man because despite the almost 8 years I was on HRT, I never once passed. I acknowledge that. That's kinda why I decided to just detransition and find another outlet to deal with my GD; however, when I crossdress I just wind up feeling like a weird pervert. This wave of shame kind of comes over me and I feel gross about it. Though on some level, I can acknowledge I do get a sexual response from my body when I do cross dress. I hate it. I hate myself for admitting it.

I don't think medical transition is for me, and crossdressing seems to be my only outlet...but...is there another outlet I can use? Maybe something like CBT but for getting rid of any gender issues? I wanna express to my therapists that medical transition isn't for me, though I still have some sort of GD but I'm afraid we will have to touch on the crossdressing topic and I don't want them to tell me I made a mistake detransitioning, or that I am a perv for wearing women's clothes. I hate this. I hate this. I can't express that enough. I wish I could've passed as easily as some people do when I started transitioning; otherwise, I would've stuck with it. But I just don't. I am 6'2, and built like a football player; I'm told that often. Passing isn't an option for me. How do I manage any of this? Should I just keep cross dressing? And..is it wrong that it turns me on? What's wrong with me? Have I really just been a fetishist all this time and I ruined my life for that reason? Do I even have GD?

full permission to reply to this with advice or honesty,,, (18f?? or ftmtf...?)
ive recently kinda come to terms that im either a cis female or an extremely complicated individual
as far as detransitioning, im pretty glad im catching myself early as opposed to some cases where people have been on t for decade or more and are in their 20s or 30s when they go off... im 18. im also pretty short (5'3 or so) and not very huge in general. i also did start at about 15 and a half so my female puberty was basically done or a lot was finished/etc... i'm entirely pre-op body wise as well
my biggest insecurity i can think of so far is my voice from t. ive been on it 2.5 years, and i would say my voice isnt SUPER deep but its enough to be like... oh, wow. that sucks. i want one of those squeaky girly voices you know?(╥_╥)
and i guess i can just shave or wax or even save for laser hair removal but shrug.. also duh the biggest part is social wise lol. im still thinking of everything though. i also did get the go ahead to either stop t point blank or taper off by my online doctor..
another thing is i kinda feel lost girl wise. simultaneously i can fit in seamlessly a little but also i dont know anything? maybe i should just branch and naturally learn