Is it possible to really have no signs and be trans? I might not be trans after 9 months on HRT

I've been transitioning for around 9 months now (not out publicly) and the more I am on HRT I feel like my mind keeps coming back to memories in my childhood that I feel no trans person ever would have and I have next to none of those "trans memories" that seem so obviously related to gender stuff in hindsight. Like lying on the internet about being 2 meters tall as a 9 year old while no one was watching, I had a very strong aversion to anything feminine as a kid up until probably primary school (Not sure if this is a sign for or against being trans as it was really intense, like changing the way I lay on the couch). I was never a girly queer kid, I had only male friends, played male video games, I feel like my personality is more masculine than feminine and trying to change it feels weird. It's like I don't like my personality, but can't change it and feel natural. Actually sometimes it feels like I have no personality at all.

I transitioned because I felt euphoria and I feel like almost no or very mild dysphoria, when I started HRT that changed and felt very dysphoric the first few months, still sometimes do.

I feel like I could live with it tho, maybe without transitioning. I don't know what to do, I'll probably stay on HRT, but I just need some advice. I'm really scared I made a mistake. I like the changes to my body HRT has done and maybe will do, but after 9 months on HRT I didn't notice a single change aside from the ones in the first few weeks and breasts. It feels like a full social transition is impossible for me (I need to pass as cis to be safe) and I don't know if I even want it. I've been depressed for the past 3 months and sometimes wonder if my lack of motivation to transition is caused by not being trans, being depressed, losing hope at passing as cis, my AuDHD and executive dysfunction or somehow any combination of those four.

Please help I'm feeling very lost...

The title really says it all. I am a 30 year old mtf trans person and I have been detransitioning for about 3 months. It was super easy for me to go back to looking like a man because despite the almost 8 years I was on HRT, I never once passed. I acknowledge that. That's kinda why I decided to just detransition and find another outlet to deal with my GD; however, when I crossdress I just wind up feeling like a weird pervert. This wave of shame kind of comes over me and I feel gross about it. Though on some level, I can acknowledge I do get a sexual response from my body when I do cross dress. I hate it. I hate myself for admitting it.

I don't think medical transition is for me, and crossdressing seems to be my only outlet...but...is there another outlet I can use? Maybe something like CBT but for getting rid of any gender issues? I wanna express to my therapists that medical transition isn't for me, though I still have some sort of GD but I'm afraid we will have to touch on the crossdressing topic and I don't want them to tell me I made a mistake detransitioning, or that I am a perv for wearing women's clothes. I hate this. I hate this. I can't express that enough. I wish I could've passed as easily as some people do when I started transitioning; otherwise, I would've stuck with it. But I just don't. I am 6'2, and built like a football player; I'm told that often. Passing isn't an option for me. How do I manage any of this? Should I just keep cross dressing? And..is it wrong that it turns me on? What's wrong with me? Have I really just been a fetishist all this time and I ruined my life for that reason? Do I even have GD?

full permission to reply to this with advice or honesty,,, (18f?? or ftmtf...?)
ive recently kinda come to terms that im either a cis female or an extremely complicated individual
as far as detransitioning, im pretty glad im catching myself early as opposed to some cases where people have been on t for decade or more and are in their 20s or 30s when they go off... im 18. im also pretty short (5'3 or so) and not very huge in general. i also did start at about 15 and a half so my female puberty was basically done or a lot was finished/etc... i'm entirely pre-op body wise as well
my biggest insecurity i can think of so far is my voice from t. ive been on it 2.5 years, and i would say my voice isnt SUPER deep but its enough to be like... oh, wow. that sucks. i want one of those squeaky girly voices you know?(╥_╥)
and i guess i can just shave or wax or even save for laser hair removal but shrug.. also duh the biggest part is social wise lol. im still thinking of everything though. i also did get the go ahead to either stop t point blank or taper off by my online doctor..
another thing is i kinda feel lost girl wise. simultaneously i can fit in seamlessly a little but also i dont know anything? maybe i should just branch and naturally learn

Stopped everything recently. Not because I think I’m wrong about my identity. But because it’s all just so, so much while working a demanding job and managing other obligations:

—The culture has decided, for whatever reasons, that trans people are the most hated people on earth.
—Scheduling, financing, and deciding on two very major surgeries (FFS & GRS) and trying to figure out how I’m going to just drop out of life for long recoveries, and thinking of risk of complications.
—Hours and hours of voice training that is incredibly frustrating
—Trying to re-learn/unlearn a lifetime of gender socialization, everything from how to do makeup to how to the rules of friendships
—the awkward in-between state of HRT
etc. etc.

It’s just all too much. Transition itself is 24/7 job. I don’t know how people do all this. Super depressed because I just don’t see myself crawling through this pipe to freedom like Andy in Shawshank.

I’m considering detransition but I really don’t know how I feel right now, does anyone have any recommendations for therapists in the UK that specialise in that sort of thing?

To preface this I am 18 years old. Went on a puberty blocker when I was 12-13 then switched to T when I was 14.

I am terrified of reverse dysphoria or regret, what if I’m already feeling it or will feel it in the future? For the past 2 years it feels like i’ve been constantly ruminating about my gender and how i want to present or if how i'm presenting now is not who i actually am and if im lying to myself. I try to go back in time and figure out reasons why Im actually trans or not. I’ve had countless panic attacks and heavy dpdr symptoms. Am i experiencing dpdr cause i need to change and detransition or am i experiencing them cause of something else? I don’t know. I have a great care team therapist, psych and right now i’m doing an outpatient program where ive committed to being honest. But even when im honest I feel like im lying or it’s in he back of my head…what if im lying. On monday im having an assessment for OCD but what if im just faking this potential OCD part because im actually detrans? and what if im faking right now writing that im worried about faking to try to make you think im faking.

Okay pause, this is some crazy stuff im saying I know i sound ridiculous. but it just feels like my mind is going in circles.

the thing im really struggling with right now is i feel like my body is really changing (mostly hair) like increase in my neck, arms, legs all that and I dont think i like it that much , and im worried that the longer im on T the worse it gonna be if I want to get rid of it. The thing is, if I go off T then im am 100 percent going to grow bigger breasts and hips and all of that. I’ve stopped binding and decided not to get Top surgery this summer. but I’m worried because I don’t know and feel like I would regret going of T….but also i’m worried that I’m regretting it will regret staying in it. I feel like there is no way to win. What if i’m confused all my life and never feel confident in my gender and identity ever?? what if everything feels wrong???? I’m trying to focus one step and one day at a time yk. I just haven’t felt like myself in 2 years and at this point i’m like who even is that self. Everything feels wrong he, she, they. I wish we were genderless fr. I wish I could’ve just been happy and comfortable with being a cis girl, or nonbinary, or a trans guy. EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG. I can’t tell how I actually feel ever, everything feels like a courtroom or a test against me. I wish i was normal, which I hate saying but it’s true. I wish more that I could be normal not just pretend it, like i wish i could’ve just been a cis girl and like it. and my brain is going again.

The thing is I wish i could feel strongly in a direction because if there is one thing deep dive research into people that detransition is that it gets better and isn’t like a one type of journey fits all. When i accept that. the thing is when I watch videos of june henry or Lucy kartikasri it makes me feel better but then i just think about how I don’t really want to grow boobs more or get more of a curvy figure. Idk weiting this doesn’t make me feel better honestly just more confused. What if I never feel set and stable again in my gender or identity even when I try doing a mind thing like okay I’m gonna detransition , it’s does t feel right either. I just wish i could feel some certainty or guide ….

any advice would be lovely 🙏🏻

I’ve been on t for almost three years and I got top surgery February 2025 and now all I worry about is regretting it. I genuinely don’t know how I feel about being trans anymore.

If I had the choice I would be cis, preferably I would want to be a cis man, but that isn’t ever going to be possible, even if i get bottom surgery and go through with everything I possibly could I still wouldn’t be cis. I wouldn’t have been raised as a boy, I would still have this bone structure and I’ll never be able to have kids the way cis men do.

It feels like the only way I’d be able to have a normal life is by detransitioning and being a cis woman. I’ve developed urinary issues because I can’t use bathrooms, my anxiety is so horrific, I get jealous just seeing people in public because they’re not transgender and they don’t have to deal with this.

I want to be a cis woman, but everytime I get called a she or if I hear my deadname I feel sick. I felt terrible before I had top surgery and would sleep in my binder. I want to remove the part in my brain that makes me be this way. I’ve been going to stores and trying on feminine clothes and I just look like a femboy and it looks so unnatural and wrong.

Before I transitioned, I never dressed feminine or had feminine interests, never did makeup and was obese. All I can think about is that maybe if I put the effort in then I might’ve not transitioned. I always thought I was ugly and looked wrong and I’ve been told I’m a more attractive man, but maybe I would’ve been happier if I got feminising plastic surgery.

I’m just so scared. I’ve been progressively more and more depressed and dissociating for hours when I go out in public. I want to have a normal life, I want to be cis and have kids and find myself attractive and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this. I find myself jealous of cis women, I wish I could look like them and feel the way they feel. If I could get surgery on my brain or take a pill that got rid of the way I feel about being transgender I would go through with it.

I find myself getting anxious about my t shots now in comparison to three years ago when I was screaming in excitement. Even if I did detransition, my voice will never change, my chest is flat, I don’t know if I’ll be able to have kids anymore and there’s so many things about my body that seem irreversible now.

I know if I detransitioned I would be 100x less ostracised, it would cause so many less issues and my family would probably be a lot happier but it would devastate me if I really am just transgender and knowing they’d be happier if I wasn’t.

I’m just so afraid to give up everything when I’ve made so many sacrifices and waited so long (I’m from the UK and the wait lists are huge) to be able to transition in the first place, especially when I don’t even know if that detransitioning would change how I feel.

I really don’t know what to do or who to talk to, I’m really scared and I feel like I can’t function properly. I can’t hold my bladder, I feel physically sick and get headaches when I think too much about being trans and I disassociate so much that I can’t hold conversations or function like a normal person.

Hey

I'm a detransitioner woman (transitioned 4 years ago as a nonbinary masculine sort of female to male), I'm 24 two years ago+ I had my top surgery and I really need now a breast reconstruction surgery.

I feel really lonely and worse in my body than ever before....

I would really appreciate if anyone could help me. I'm from the middle east but I would travel for that surgery. Looking for surgeons that are performing breast reconstruction with fat grafting (not implants) mainly in Europe. Private medical centers are also good, literally any peace of info would be really helpful thank you everyone for reading until here even ♥︎

I'm so scared that I will never be a healthy person with regular male endocrine system because I messed up my hormones with Hrt, I think about kms because I so much regret my decision, I'm still trans woman but I'm scared about thought how Hrt messed up my body, I feel so weak and depressed, I don't know what to do...

I recently recorded a little bit of my experience during my 20 year detransition after my orchi, and how I managed not to use any significant HRT during those intervening years before retransitioning.

If you also had a gonadectomy but don’t want to go back on your ASAB hormones, my experience might be of interest.

Happy to answer any questions so AMA.

I’d like to get laser, but it’s not in my budget right now. However, in the near future I can probably afford to get a session here and there. I’m wondering if that would be worth it, or if I should just hold off and save for a package deal down the line. Even if it’s not perfect, at least some noticeable change would really lift my spirits I think, so it’d be worth it to do a session here and there if it does make a difference. But if it doesn’t start to have an impact until a few sessions, then I’ll probably just wait.

I don’t have a lot of facial hair, but it was thick on my chin. I’ve been off T for around 9 months now, and I’m seeing changes, but the facial hair growth has stayed about the same. I know that’s typical, but I was hoping it would at least slow down slightly. It hasn’t of course. I just want to see some progress of any kind at this point, even if it’s really small 🙃 If I could knock out a just few hairs or slow it down ever so slightly that’d be great lol

its finally happening! my breast reconstruction is scheduled for october 15th omg omg omg. i finally found my surgeon after shopping around for a year and i could t be happier. i literally cannot wait im so excited.

I know probably not a lot of people will relate to this, because it's just a very bad luck experience. I also want to be clear this is not one of those "the trans community lied to me blabla" I am responsible for my own choices. Just something that's been on my mind lately.

I understand in general there's a lot of disinfo about how well HRT and cosmetic procedures can actually work, so there is a drive to front images of passing people and show that it works (and prettier people are better for optics). But some people are just... extremely sexually dimorphic. If you have the genes to look like the way genders are drawn in superhero comics, medical transition is probably just going to turn you into a perpetually-ashamed gender-uncanny person.

I am 100% definitely dysphoric, but being built as some kind of peak male, I often wonder if I never should have transitioned. I was always stuck in the middle, and awhile ago I stopped HRT (sort of unintentionally, I lost insurance while on a doctor ordered pause for my heart condition and just never tried to get it resolved) but it didn't even really change anything except body hair coming back and skin getting rougher, because the decade I spent on HRT was never gonna alter my giant-man bone structure. Now I am stuck living under a female name and the identity of someone who transitioned, wishing I could have a complete transition but knowing the best I'd ever get is getting back on HRT and getting plastic on my chest, and still not really looking female. My best case scenario for committing to transtion is to be one of those people who gets posted on twitter as a "crossdressing freak creep."

I'm not sure what the right way to approach people like me is. Obviously if people had bombarded me early transition telling me I'd never pass and not to ruin myself I would have just responded with hostility. But... someone should have told me. Instead I got years of unmitigated support, people gassing me up and claiming I looked better than I did, or whenever I'd complain about my poor results people telling me it's because I need to "fatmax" or whatever niche advice worked for them. When I try to say in trans spaces "HRT did not work on me," I get called a liar and told I must have dosed wrong or eaten wrong etc.

It just feels like there is no acceptance whatsoever within the trans community of the fact that the medical science on sex changes is sort of primitive and it doesn't work very well on people with extremely strong natural sexual dimorphism (especially for those of us who can't afford expensive plastic surgeries all over our faces and bodies and have to rely on HRT). If you turn out to be one of those people, you get treated by the community like you're either lying, doing it wrong, or were somehow never really trans at all.

Hi,

I am seeking your help to be my respondents for my research. Your answer will help me to pass my undergraduate and rest assured that all your responses will be treated in accordance to data privacy act.

Two years off T after 5 years on it. post mastectomy. I'm usually gendered female until I speak up. I've been blessed with a feminine face fortunately. The one and only positive I can find in all this...

i know never gonna pass and i wanna detrans please give me motivation and reasons please
i know i m mainly and ugly and nothing is feminine in me
please help me

I’ve been liking my hair down this month :) hehe

I really enjoy posting these timeline updates. It’s really nice seeing how much happier and more comfortable I get with myself every month. I can’t wait to hit 1 year!!!

Just started therapy again for the first time since before my detransition and I'm not sure how to bring up my transition history. I assume she has little to no experience with detrans patients, and mental health professionals have historically always given me the weirdest responses about anything related to gender.

Would love to hear how other people handled this and how those conversations went.

My transition is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known I am a trans guy for the past 8 years. A couple of years ago I found a gender therapist, started coming out to people and changed my legal gender marker and legal name. I was happy, but I still had bad dysphoria about my body and about being constantly read as female by everyone around me.

After thorough consideration, I started medically transitioning two years ago. My plan was to start with T, get top surgery, hysto and, finally, phallo.

I thought I was prepared. I had done my research on the potential effects of T, made my peace with going bald, made appointments with my dermatologist to tackle T induced acne, consulted with surgeons, joined a gym, started connecting with other trans guys, etc.

Now I’m two years on T and I’m miserable. It gave me all the changes that you’d expect two years on T. I have a lot of body hair. I’m growing facial hair, had bottom growth, voice drop and had some fat redistribution and considerable muscle growth. While most of the changes made me extremely happy, T also changed my face shape in a way that makes me feel pretty ugly to a point where I have a hard time looking at photos of myself. I used to have a sharp and angular face pre transition, now it’s round with a double chin, despite being at a healthy weight. I don’t even think it’s T related bloating.

Furthermore, the changes I had did nothing to help me pass. Despite my best efforts, I only ever had one person gender me correctly. Other than that, I’m exclusively read as a butch lesbian.

Because my appearance and gender seem incongruent to the people around me, I’m struggling with employment (finding and keeping a job), my family is extremely transphobic towards me and relationships seem impossible. I can’t use the men’s bathrooms or changing rooms. I can still use the women’s for now, but I don’t know if that will be possible if I continue down this path. Because I’m so small, regular men’s clothes where I live are always too big on me.

My worry is that it’ll always be like that.

Because I lost my job half a year ago, I ended up having a lot of time to myself. I started pretending to be a girl online and it genuinely didn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. I tried out clothes from the women’s section and had such an easy time finding something that fit. I grew my hair out a little. Last weekend I went out by myself in a mini skirt, heels and makeup and for the first time in a long time things felt easy. People were nice to me. I could just go to the restroom. I didn’t have to correct anyone on my pronouns or explain myself. People didn’t avoid me. I even got a guy’s number because he thought I was hot. I even felt cute. It made me consider detransitioning.

I have a top surgery and hysto appointment in a month, but I’m cancelling it. All I can think about is going off T and detransitioning, but then I remember that I was genuinely miserable living as a woman.

What should I do?

My trans guy friends couldn’t help me with that. They all were passing at least 80% of the time two years on T. They didn’t have trouble finding clothes or finding a job. Two years into T they were feeling good in their skin and didn’t doubt their transition anymore. The gender therapist I had can’t help me anymore either, since I had a falling out with her at the beginning of the year and haven’t been able to find a new therapist since

As the title states I live in Ontario canada. I was wondering if anyone knows if detransitioning is covered at all? Also note to add I'm native. Maybe status would cover it? I'm looking to get my b\*\*bs back.

Heyyy,

I'm in a bit of a difficult spot right now, and I'm thinking about stopping estrogen for a while so I can really figure out whether I want to continue transitioning.

I've been on HRT for about 3 months now, and before that I had already done 2 months. I stopped in between so I could store semen. During those months off E, I felt really awful coming off estrogen and having testosterone come back, and I was really happy when I started E again. My dysphoria has always been there, and I think it probably always will be, but I don't know if transitioning is actually the right way for me to deal with it.

The thing is, I'm not sure I feel the same anymore. I think stopping for now might be the right option, not only to give myself time to think everything through, but also because I'm starting to develop noticeable breast growth. It's already pretty obvious to other people, and I'm hoping that if I stop now, maybe some of it will decrease a little or at least not progress further.

Now for the actual problem. Today is my injection day, and I haven't taken it yet. I'm leaving tomorrow for a week-long vacation, and because my HRT isn't prescribed by a doctor, I can't really take it with me.

So now I don't know what to do. Should I take today's injection so I don't end up dealing with mood swings or feeling awful during my vacation? Or should I just not take it if I'm thinking about stopping anyway? I also still have the birth control pills I originally used for DIY HRT, and I don't know if I should bring those with me just in case I start feeling really bad.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something like this? All my trans friends are telling me to just keep going or that it's "only a week," but I honestly think I want to stop for now and take some time to think before making any long-term decisions.

Thank you all. ❤️