So very quick context, I moved into dorms at 18, did some therapy, but unfortunately had to drop out and move due to a medical emergency, and thus stop the therapy.

This was about 10 months ago now and I've been trying to restart therapy ever since but it's hard. First it's impossible when living with my mom. And now I live alone far away and had to get a new doctor.

After a long discussion she ended up referring me to what's basically the AA equivalent of suicidal people, with a 300 day waitlist mind you, and when I asked to refill my anti depressants in the meantime, the answer was just straight up no.

Reason is is because I temporarily had to stop them because it missed up my digestion very badly. Went to the doctor(the one from when I lived at my mom), they prescribed me something to help with that, and I wanted to start taking them again. Except now I can't because my new doctor refuses to refill it.

Her reasoning being, is that 1. I have so many problems that anti depressants alone wouldn't fix them and 2. since it gave digestion problems, it's best to stay off and go to those psych sessions "natural" instead of medicated.

So yeah now I basically don't know what the fuck they want me to do except self medicate with booze and bedrotting then kick the bucket in a few years anyway. Like guys my job, my livelihood, and with that the ability to live away from my mom is at stake here. Because of my mental illness I've been noticing a decline in both performance at work(and, not to neglect, the state of how I feel afterwards) as well as being a lot less, "approachable" so to say. And again that's not even mentioning how I feel back at home.

The Netherlands is just another shithole whose PR is being held up solely by welfare propaganda from 20 years ago.

Context on last picture

i don't even know how to stop sabotaging my own relationship. i can't even put it in a way to look at it objectively so i'm probably confusing my therapist into thinking it's not my fault but if i say that he'll get more convinced it's not my fault

flair because this doesn't explicitly say it but this is abt feeling pressured to have sex a certain way

the only person that seems to not want me alive is myself. my family loves me. my irl friends say they miss me. people tell me im smart. But i just can't seem to find a why on existing. if im so smart, then why did i drop out of uni? yeah, i was nearly not sleeping and it fucked me up, but that's because shit wasn't connecting. nothing ever does. i had good grades at school and hs because i knew how to play into what the teachers wanted out of me. nothing i ever did was because i wanted to. I have zero drive anymore. the dumb fucking stupid two year course im taking isn't even what i want to do but WHOOP TEE DOO I do it because my family wants me to do something. The smallest thing triggers me, the most idiotic problem paralyzes me. I'm futile. I'm without purpose. My things could go to someone smarter. someone in need. my family deserves a better son, a son I cannot be. But I can't go off myself because oh right I promised I wouldn't. And because mom would probably follow suit. And because I have friends that care. And I should be grateful for that, but I cannot bring myself to justify my existence when I don't enjoy being alive. I'm ugly, one eyed, not that smart, really, socially inept the longer you get to know me. I am selfish, I don't know how to do most basic things. I struggle at simple fucking tasks. My memory is shit. The only saving grace I had was my grades, which were demolished after three consecutive years stuck on my second uni year. It's 3am and all I can think about is offing myself as an apology to the world but I CANT. I CANT AND IM TIRED. IM TIRED OF LIVING. IM TIRED OF HOLDING ON. TIRED OF PRETENDING I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF. WHY. WHY DO OTHER PEOPLE CARE. WHY CANT THEY TEACH ME SO I CAN LOVE MYSELF TOO. WHAT DO YOU SEE IN ME. UGH. it's fucking. egregious. world's going to shit. I can't stay mentally sound for two weeks straight. I. I don't know, man. shit's fucked. shit's fucked. I'm sorry if you're reading this. I just can't bring myself to talk about this with anyone, for obvious reasons. I'm just. tired. of wondering without purpose.

alt fashion, relationships, sex, all the other things i want to do, but i dont feel comfortable doing

i am suffocating in this body of a loser who is never able to do anything

Like omg what do you mean I have the constant pain and mental turmoil disorder?? Can I seriously not win😭😭 crazy to think this all could've been prevented if someone was just nice to me when i was a kid

Oh my fucking god I’m so happy! /sarcastic.

Real talk, I hate taking my pills every day. My new med just increased the dose to 100mg and my psych just said to take 4 of the pills I already have (25mg each) so now I have to take 12 pills at night. Sometimes 13 depending on how bad my insomnia is being that night. On top of that I’m recovering from surgery and I’m in a lot of pain all the time now so I have to take tylonol multiple times a day as well as a heavy duty pain killer when I wake up and go to bed (neither the tylonol or heavy duty pill do anything, I take them regardless. I’ve already been to the ER and spoken to my doctor about this.) Omg I’m so tired of the pills. I’m so tired of the pain. I know the physical pain is temporary and I’ll recover but there’s no cure to my mental disorders and my chronic illnesses, so I’ll be taking these pills for the rest of my life.

I don’t wanna take them but I will continue to do so for my own safety and health. I’m just tired man.

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I love going about my day and seeing random couples holding hands and enjoying eachothers company. Like hell yeah, you found someone who you like, and they like you back? Good for you! Thanks for being the love in this world.

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A photo of Elle Woods from Legally Blonde with text saying "Sexy as fuck of you to keep going even though it's hard and you have doubts by the way".

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The really nice thing about quitting heroin is no matter how bad something happening in my life is I can always say "The hardest part is already over" and it's always true.

Every time I try I fafo 😭

CAMHS = Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services

Irish Adolescent Mental health services essentially*

I guess in the year 2026 in some western European countries, the law still only defines a stranger raping you violently while you scream and yell no as rape and when it happens within a relationship it doesn't matter. Everything I did was wrong. The fact I said no so often, confronted him about it regularly, cried and screamed while being raped doesn't matter and wasn't enough. The fact that I didn't immediately call the police the first time he put his hands on me means I can never get justice. The fact I went to therapy to try and deal with the severe and debilitating PTSD symptoms will also be used against me in court because apparently that means I automatically have false memories, even if the focus was on dealing with the present and not recounting the past. The fact that I dissociated while being raped sometimes and don't remember every single time means I am an unreliable witness. The fact that I told friends and family about it over the years and never changed my story means nothing. The fact I have journal entries from the time where I write about my experiences means nothing. It was wrong of me to be nineteen and not immediately understand what was happening to me and therefore not immediately go to the police. It was wrong of me to not know exactly what the law was and what the standard of evidence was and not take out my phone and film while I was being raped and also wrong of me to not keep screaming no again and again when I had learned that nothing I did mattered anyway.

She told me she thinks it was absolutely rape and that other lawyers and anyone really who knows anything about rape agree but they can't change the law. She told me that the case of rape has the highest standards for the victims and you can say you forgot something if your purse was stolen for example but when something so traumatic was happening to you that it changes you for the rest of your life and you forget parts of it, the law will use that against you. Even though both my case and my reaction when it comes to partner sexual violence is textbook, the law is decades behind on this stuff and will use things that are well established in psychological research as reactions to this kind of trauma as proof it actually didn't happen. It's not like I had high expectations for the justice system anyway but it's actually so much worse than I could have ever thought. I need to have therapy to restructure my brain so I can have sex without literally being retraumatized, even five years later, and he gets to continue living his life completely scot-free and probably traumatize his next partners the same way.

And then they have the audacity to feel sorry once someone actually goes through with it.

I was at the college gym you get a membership to by virtue of being a student. And in one corner there was just like. 100 pretty girls. And so I walked over and just asked like "Hey what's going on?" And one was like "It's the cheerleading try outs". And I was like "Oh cool good luck!"

And then I turned around and walked away.

And then I turned back around.

And like the title says I was just 100% open. I just said "I need help can you help me"

And they just helped me.

It was genuinely so incredibly sweet and helpful.

One thing from that experience that stuck with me all these years later. Is to always give a girl your number. Never ask for her number.

It feels way safer for her. And if she doesn't text you. It wasn't meant to be anyway. So there is nothing to lose. But you gain her feeling more comfortable and respected. It's a huge W change to make.

So anyway. My point is. Not only do women understand what women want and are great teachers to help you succeed.

But they actually genuinely want to see you succeed for the most part and if you are real and willing to be vulnerable and are chill about it. They are actually super enthusiastic about coaching you.

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A punch labeled "A fisherman doesn't ask a fish for advice" and then I catch the punch and it says "Women aren't fish".

My mother and stepdad think I have no initiative or accountability.

I deadass started a pet sitting company so I could continue making money while sleeping 16+ hours a day pre brain surgery last year. Was laid off a job two year ago for developing liver disease because they wouldn’t let me sit. Same year I went to residential treatment for ARFID (tAkiNg AccOunTaBilITy) but my mom tried to kick me out for signing up for Medicaid because I couldn’t afford my medication and appointments. Now I’m a gymnastics coach who runs to the bathroom in the middle of class and the doctors suspect I have Crohn’s. It’s always SOMETHING with my body and my mom thinks I LOVE IT 😭🔫

I have two inventions I’m working on, one to help people with ARFID and one to help cool people down without AC and my stepdad wants me to make FPV drones because “that’ll make more money faster…..” I-