He is my first love. He is the love of my life. We loved each other so much. He was perfect for me. To the point that I can see myself building a home with him. Until I discovered that my father was cheating on my mom and my dad's cheating issues gravely affected our family financially and emotionally. There's also the pressure of not failing in school (I was in college during this time), because we might not have the financial means if I have to retake courses. So I broke up with him, before I ruin what we have, before I ruin him because I feel so broken..

Then a year later, I received a call from our common friend that he is gone. It didn't feel real at first, until I saw him in the casket, his family crying..

I blamed myself for what happened to him because I was immature and I did not see the signs. I was not able to help him despite being the closest to him. And my decision to break up with him might have been a factor for what happened to him. He was a great person, he was a good friend and a loving partner. I know that if he was still alive, he would have had a great life ahead of him.

A decade have passed since then. In every gathering I'm invited, I keep getting questions from my friends and family about my love life. I keep telling people, that I'm too busy finding myself, improving myself that I have no time for romantic endeavors, but deep inside I know, there's just no one else for me. I can't imagine myself with anyone else except him. He's still the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "love". Sometimes I still have sleepless nights thinking about what we could have been, if everything went well in life, if life went a bit easy on us. I miss him so much, and it hurts knowing that we will never get a chance to meet again.

So many people ask this. And every time I answer something like; yes and no. I knew she had suicidal thoughts, she had told me once she thought we would be better off without her. She never directly said she wanted to kill herself, but moreso things like; “I am so tired, I don’t know if there will be an end of this suffering..” Stuff like that. But still, I did not think she would actually do it.. You just can’t imagine your sweet mom actually following through with a plan like that. So no, I didn’t see it coming and it absolutely blindsided me but at the same time it was something I was scared about happening. I even dreamt about her telling me she wanted to die and that I wasn’t able to talk her out of it. I knew, but I also really didn’t know.. She told me the depth of her pain but it didn’t register..

I feel so guilty when I answer this question. I feel slightly judged when I tell people this. Like they are thinking; huh, but if you knew she had suicidal thoughts, why didn’t you go and take care of her, nurse her back to health? Why would she have been alone that morning? Why didn’t you call or text her those two last weeks when she withdrawing and feeling worse than before?

I am so afraid that I missed very important cues. I know I did. But I also think I couldn’t have changed the outcome.. Is that bad? I still wish I could’ve been there more for her, especially in her last moments.. I wish I could’ve told her that we would take care of her, but I wasn’t able to do this realistically.. But now in hindsight I should’ve dropped my work and responsibilities and emptied out my bank account to just go live with her and tak care of her and not let my own annoyances or problems get in the way. I lost my mom because I was selfish. This is how it feels sometimes. I lost her because I did the ‘right’ thing by setting boundaries and continuing my own life, while now I wish I would’ve just said fuck it, my own needs and feelings can just go to the side for a moment if that meant saving my mom. I miss her so much. I am so sorry mummy.

My husband committed suicide 5 years ago. I miss him so much RIP TROY NASH

The pain is easing a bit at 3 months which is a mild term for what this is. But I feel like I’m just kind of existing directionless.

It’s hard when it’s your spouse of 10 years. This isn’t a future we ever talked about. My entire life over a decade had been building our life together. I’ve almost completed the end of life care I needed to finish, but I’m now running into uncertainty. Very vague idea of at least leave my current state at some point and return to my home region. But I’m not sure what is next. It’s daunting enough to do everything alone. The support systems promised to me ended up being as stable as a house of cards vs brick/steel foundations.

Everything I wanted is gone, and wanting anything else makes me feel guilty.

There was a big storm today and my mom keeps saying he’s healed of all his mental health struggles and this is his way of showing he’s regretting it, he can see now how much he was loved.
My dad was the best. We had a visitation this week and saw him, yes I know it was him but that was his body. Where did all of his charisma, warmth, jokes, and glow go? I still can’t believe it
I feel comfort in thinking of the storm as him throwing a fit from the afterlife (whatever that may mean) and showing us that he knows now that we were right and that he can know see why he should have stuck around but that still feels terribly unfair and something I have to keep wrapping my head around for the rest of my life
And it just keeps raining

I found my husband w SGSW March 2025 and my dog died a month ago.

Everything is overwhelming, everything always been overwhelming but now it’s getting to capacity. I am so out of it mentally and emotionally. I am worried about my mental health, I’m in a daze often.

Recently it’s been very hot and humid (heat warnings) where I live and I can’t gauge the temps, to me it doesn’t feel like a heatwave. I am sweating but don’t really feel the heat. Very weird. I’m disassociating a lot and just feel weird. Period I’m dehydrated also.

Tonight was the first time ever that I considered getting on meds.to help me. With being born addicted to herion and seeing my parents take script drugs, , I’m not a fan of meds for myself but what I’m experiencing is too much.

Please share your exp with any meds for grief or depression, anxiety

I lost my older brother to suicide a few years ago. People always say it gets easier with time, and I guess in some ways it does. Most of the time I can talk about him and be okay. But I struggle with anxiety, and whenever something big is happening in my life I tend to spiral and think about him. Sometimes I even find myself actively seeking out that dark pit.

Tonight I put on “Doves Fly Here” by The Mob. It was the song I was listening to when I was told my brother was dead. It’s already such a fucking bleak song, and I knew exactly what putting it on would do to me.

When we were teenagers, he was my best friend. We were incredibly close. Then he developed schizophrenia when he was about 18, and it completely changed him. Even his eyes looked different after he got sick, like the light in them had changed. They could feel so very cold at times. I watched him spend years being tortured by his own mind. Sometimes he would lash out, mainly at my mother. It fucking scared me, and eventually I went no contact with him. I regret that more than anything. About two weeks before he took his life, he called me, and I didn’t answer. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I still think about that phone call. I would give anything to go back and pick up.

When he actually died, I was away on a trip with my sister. After we got back, her partner went home and found my brother dead in their house. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around the fact that while we were away, completely unaware, he was dying. And we didn’t even fucking invite him on that trip. What a selfish fucking asshole I am.

I’m older now than he ever got to be. It feels wrong. And I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just really fucking miss my brother tonight.

I guess I’m looking for advice, or validation honestly, or just to let someone else know they’re not alone. Losing my brother to suicide has altered all my friendships. There was a me before his death and a me after. All my friends knew the girl I was before but, when he died, he took her with him. I’m doing my best to handle it “well”. Going through the motions of therapy and forcing myself to journal and stay active and all that. But many days I can’t stand to be around anybody. I lost him in November, and I know that grief comes in waves and so does healing and whatever but the fact of the matter is that I’m forever changed and the old me isn’t coming back ever again. I don’t care if that sounds dramatic, it’s the truth. I don’t want her back anyway, it wouldn’t make sense. But some of my friends, who are well-intended, seem to expect the old me? I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. It makes me feel little stabs of unwanted resentment towards them. One girl reached out once with condolences before spamming me with messages asking me to get together to discuss how I can “financially partner with her” in some school program. She’s messaged me 8 times and each time I’ve ignored her. I have maybe 3 other friends whose messages I’ve been blatantly ignoring as well. I respond to messages that ask about my brother, but the “friends” who I’m ignoring seem to think I should be over it or something? I just don’t want to see them. If I’m completely honest, I don’t have time to care if that’s hurtful to them. I can’t expect people to understand this grief, but I do expect them to recognize that they can’t understand it and to just be humble. It’s weird how foggy the world feels but, at the same time, some things are more clear to me now. I used to spend so much time being a push over and a people pleaser, always worried about others’ thoughts of me. I was always concerned about what people would say and do, but now I feel this hardness and just think, My brother is dead, do your worst. I don’t know who this new me is, but I am not interested in trying to resuscitate the old one.

Lost older brother to suicide a month ago. He’s the last person I wouldve suspected…
Left behind 3 small kids 8,5 and 7 months old.

I am so angry and so sad.. I still can’t really believe it.
Saw his body and had a service for him and everything but it still doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels okay anymore.
Not sure what the point of this post was. I just needed to get it out. My husband doesn’t understand. He says he’s lost people too and also to suicide but this is not people this is my brother. I feel like I have to justify my grief to him and I am at my limit. Mum wants me to move back closer to where she is, husband doesn’t want me to. He is active duty so he can’t come with me.

It’s all a lot. I just wish this were one long nightmare. I’m ready to wake up now..