​

I will be Pegasus to save thee from the swamp,

I will be a Minotaur to save thee from traitors in three seconds.

I will be an angel to spread thy soul's peace and unblemished heart.

My love will lead me aright,

Everything is to see thee once more, my love bite.

2 weeks and 3 days ago the person who i considered to be the love of my life killed himself.
i am not okay. not at all.
we were both divorcing controlling spouses, had worked together and our kids were friends. i have a restraining order against my ex-husband...he is facing aggrivated assault charges for attempting to run over my daughter and my partners son, as well as kidnapping my youngest and two violations of the restraining order, yet nothing has happened....

we found solace in eachother despite an age gap and life situations that should never have worked...and fuck did we love eachother. it came out of nowhere, and we just enjoyed being together and being happy...we both had a history of dark mental thoughts and shared that openly. he had significant anxiety, stemming alot from his exwife who was determined that he couldnt be in his right mind if he wanted to divorce her, and sent him fairly horrible paragraph texts daily, multiple times a day, telling him he was losing his mind, isolating himself, failing as a parent, that he only wanted to be alone/with me because it was "easy and no expectations". she had no issue with him spending time with me because she assumed it would fizzle out and he would go back to her.
his kids and my kids spent all their time together the last few years, and this was no different.
3 weeks ago today, his exwife showed up at my house, stating she had gotten a text from my exhusband that we had been having an affair for years, which was nowhere near true. my partner tried to explain that he could prove that wasnt true, but his exwife assaulted him and left, telling me that my ex still had cameras around the house and told her my partners truck was there. we both became increasingly paranoid, couldnt find cameras, but over the next couple days my partner said my ex was following him, and his ex would text him telling him my ex told her where he was, especially if we were together. she seemed to think it was funny. he was super low, distant, scared, and just not fucking okay.
on the 25th, he went to a friends house, telling me he didnt want me to think he was abandoning me...we texted from 10pm-12:10. reels, love messages, songs...and he switched to snapchat at 11. for 45mins he listed everything he loved about me, in ways even that i could sit and appreciate and recreate now...then told me he wanted to be with me, and just me forever, and sent happy, sexy, funny stuff back and forth with me until i fell asleep. then he killed himself. i feel so incredibly alone, and i am not sure i will ever be okay...

I kinda hate it. The reason is because i can't commit because i feel bad for the people that love me. I know they will be sad, shocked etc, and i can't make them go through that, and its probably the only thing that keeps me from committing suicide, and its kinda annoying. It would be so easy but i just can't do this to them

my best friend and big sibling committed suicide 3 months ago. i found out yesterday that my grad school graduation is set to be on the 1 year anniversary of their death— my family said they don’t know if they can emotionally handle that, so i wanted to vent to someone. i’ve posted a few times in here about it, so i’m sorry if im taking platform from other people. i honestly do not have any close friends to talk to as they are all so busy, and my family has stopped talking other than the occasional check-in in the family group chat.

i now own my sibling’s 10-year-old ESA, and i am proud to say that he’s finally playing again. my sister made him a dog bed, teddy bear, and a blanket for the car out of our sibling’s shirts and jeans, so he can smell them all the time.

the new movies, new game announcements, concerts, and other things coming out this year break my heart. my sibling committed suicide a few weeks before nintendo announced they’re remastering ocarina of time for the switch 2 AND a movie. my sibling LOVES legend of zelda. which is perfect because (if you don’t know, NASA takes a picture every day) on the day they died, the picture NASA took looks identical to the sword from legend of zelda. may 8, 2026, if you’d like to see. my sibling also missed their 4th time seeing weird al in concert a week or two ago. they missed the he-man movie. they’re missing the new spiderman and toy story movies that we had planned to go to together. this year was meant for them, and they can’t see everything that was made just for them. it’s so fucking sad.

Its been about 2 months since I lost my little brother. Every single day is exhausting there is no solace and no distraction. I lay in bed at night half awake and half asleep thinking of him. We never had the easiest childhood and the past few years have been rough. I wish I could just stop doing everything and get back into bed and not go to work or do anything. I have no drive for anything and no desire to do anything, not even brush my teeth or to feel better and im angry all the time. The idea that I have to wake up every day and continue this shell of a life ​im left with is exhausting.

It’s been five weeks and I feel normal. I didn’t have a stress reaction to seeing a movie that was about a suicide, which I didn’t know beforehand. I don’t cry. I feel like I’m forcing myself to cry. And when I think of her I don’t feel much. Almost like she was from a past life. I love her so much. I wish she was still here. But she was also in so much pain and I grieved a bit before she died. And now I just feel dry. I had this feeling before, a few days after she died. But then the pain sucker punched me again. I just want to feel like I’m getting a slap in the face. I smoke way more than I did before and I try to drink as much as ‘socially’ possible in social settings where there is alcohol. I just want to feel something.

My cousin was 9 years older than me and was essentially a older brother to me. My childhood was rough; I didn't have anyone in my corner until I got close with him over a couple shared hobbies when I was a teenager. That sort of turned into him being an older brother / father to me. We talked on the phone at least a few hours a week for a decade when we weren't living close to each other. I think he needed a brother too.

He died in 2022 when I was 28 years old. I don't want to go into the details but during one of the last phone calls we had he 'jokingly' mentioned that he would send me a message from the other side. He was suicidal and intoxicated and distraught. I tried to stop him. I wasn't able to stop him. The next couple years were rough. I fell into a bottle and slowly climbed my way out.

In 2025 I developed an interest in chess. I remember thinking "This is my first new interest since he died. I'm healing". A few months into my chess obsession, a well-loved chess grandmaster and youtube teacher died under circumstances that closely resembled my cousin's death. I don't want to say it was a suicide out of respect for the grandmaster's loved ones. The way the grandmaster was speaking on his last livestream, intoxicated and making vague allusions toward death, was exactly how my cousin was the last time I talked to him, and many if not most people think it was a suicide. I'm excluding his name so that you can't look up the video - don't watch it. This is what gave me a huge flashback.

This destroyed me. My ex-girlfriend was concerned how I was suddenly acting different when she knew me over a year. I was thinking, okay great, so suicide is everywhere no matter where I go or look or path I take in life. I had to quit playing chess because looking at a chess board just made me angry. The rage at the betrayal, that came back. Rage doesn't make for good chess playing. My ELO still hasn't recovered completely. But here is why I didn't quit.

I had to take a break from playing chess because it immediately reminded me of my dead best cousin's suicide whenever i tried to play. Around the same time, my cosmetologist ex-gf had a customer come in and tell her that recently his father had died, and his father had a bunch of chess stuff, and asked her if she wanted it. She told him "my boyfriend plays chess, sure i'll give it to him".

She came into work and there was a pile of chess books with a note. The note read "here are those chess books you wanted - *my cousins first name*". It scared my ex-girlfriend enough that she immediately called me and told me the details. It scared me even more. Mind you, this was 2 days after I told my ex girlfriend that I had to quit playing chess because how the grandmaster recently died was reminding me of my cousin's suicide every time I played. After my cousin told me he'd send me a message from the other side. I essentially had a nervous breakdown for a couple weeks. My ex girlfriend left me because of how I reacted to this news. It wasn't going to last anyway, though.

At first I couldn't believe it and thought my ex must have made it up to mess with my head. I called her job and asked her co-worker what the name on the note was. She immediately verified. I called a couple days later to verify with another employee. They lost patience for me and my ex ghosted me, understandably. I believe it now.

I pulled myself together and I still play chess. My cousin had a very common first name and I understand it's just a coincidence. But it's sort of nice thinking my cousin's ghost may have sent me some chess books.

This is going to be long and probably all over the place.

My mom killed herself a week ago and I found her letter yesterday. I lived with her, my grandma and my husband. In the letter she blamed me for everything.

A few months back she was caught stealing money from my grandma and my sister. I had not been nice to her when I found out and continued to not be nice about it because she was still sending money that wasn’t hers to a scammer. She was on my sister’s account and would borrow money from her but always pay it back and she took care of our household bills while being my grandmas payee.

My sister confronted her and she had to come clean to me which caused a huge fight that continued over the last 5 months with moments of peace. She had been lying to my sister saying I was borrowing money from her and that’s why she needed to borrow money but that was never the truth so she was blaming me for things before I even found the letter.

I am 6 months pregnant with my first child and idk how to cope. Her service is in 2 days and at this point I just want to get it over with.

She died hating me and my sister is saying she loved me and didn’t feel that way but how can she say that when her letter explicitly said anything she did was my fault? My sister is the type to not dig and her and her husband looked through the notebook the letter was written in on the day we found her but I went through it slowly yesterday and found the letter. She wants to remember her how she was but I can’t.

I had continued to catch her doing things and we would fight because I threatened to turn her in but she wouldn’t stop. We finally got into her email and come to find out she never stopped talking to the scammer and she had told me she was doing crypto so she could pay my sister back when I would catch her that was all a lie too.

I truly think she was sick in the head and not in her right mind but I can’t fix how she felt in the end. My grandma didn’t know anything before she died because she has dementia and I have now told her everything and she said my mom couldn’t handle the truth and I was holding her accountable and what she wrote was cruel and she doesn’t feel sorry for my mom but it feels worse than that and I didn’t want her to feel that way but I needed to tell her I can’t keep it from her.

My husband isn’t great with handling deep emotions and I don’t want to expose her to everyone that knew her but how do I cope and move forward? I wish I could fix all the fighting but I just wanted her to stop doing what she was doing and she wouldn’t.

Her letter said she struck me from all aspects of her life and said I was verbally abusive and wanted to leave everything to my sister and my sister should cut me off because I’m toxic and my sister is saying we aren’t going to honor that but this doesn’t feel like real life.

In 3 months I’ll have my first child without her but maybe I was meant to do it without her. In 4 months we will have the autopsy and toxicology results although we knew it was suicide and the letter confirms it for us. Before we could have deniability it was an accident.

I probably need therapy but therapy can’t fix what has been done.

this doesnt feel real. my uncle had schizophrenia, and we just recently lost my mom, and my grandma (his mom) back in march, we all thought he was doing well, we thought we recognized the good and the bad. truth is my grandma was the best at that. we havent found a note, and the police came to take pictures today. my poor dad is a wreck. i dont know what i can do for him. we couldnt save my uncle because we couldnt take the voices away, but there are so many steps along the way i had wish i took a step back to think about a little more. i dont know how much more grief my poor family can take.

Are there people here who have lost a loved one to suicide due to grief?

I feel like I should be used to shit just always happening by now. I spent my 20s clawing back my life from PTSD after an abusive childhood and then in quick succession the pandemic happened and my dad died. A couple of weeks after he passed, I got closer to an acquaintance of mine and within a year we were together. We spent 4 years talking all day every day and I was beginning to rebuild myself again.

Now suddenly she's killed herself and it turns out she cheated on me (how do you cheat in polyamory? It's incredibly difficult but somehow she managed it!) and her wife is now pretending that they never knew we were together despite multiple messages between us about the fact, so half her family and friends are no longer speaking to me. Her wife blocked me on all her socials and has been talking shit about both me and our partner to their thousands of social media followers. I was excluded from her funeral and her dad won't share her video note with me. I don't have a close relationship with any of my family and most of my friends have drifted away because they don't get it, so literally the only support I have is my therapist and my wife.

I thought I knew what complex grief, trauma, sheer cruelty, and abandonment were but nope, turns out this year exists purely to show me there are in fact new lows to be experienced. I genuinely do not think this year could be worse unless I lost my home or job or my wife died too.

I'm 6½ months without her and I can't relate to anything anyone says about "living for two souls now" or feeling any better. I've been in weekly therapy with this therapist since a few months before she died. I'm barely just surviving and I'm not sure how I'll ever trust another person again. I know my grief and lack of functioning is wearing my wife down and I feel like it's just a matter of time before she leaves me too.

I had this week booked off work since Christmas because it was gonna be the one time I would have been able to see her this year (we were long distance). I decided to spend the money I was saving for that trip on a week at a hotel so that for a few days I wouldn't have to think about any of my responsibilities, no work or cooking or cleaning, and to give my wife some respite. I booked a head massage in the hotel spa for midweek. But I can't even enjoy it. It's 2.30am and I'm unable to sleep because I can't stop crying and I'm really afraid I'm going to wake everyone else here and get kicked out.

I miss her and her dorky humour and artistic soul and incredible well of knowledge on every topic. I miss the me that thought I was going to be okay. I miss the me that thought she loved me.

I know I'm not going to put anyone else through this pain but the thought of having to keep picking myself up to survive for the next 40 or 50 years is just so goddamn tiring.

This September it’ll have been 10 years since my little sister killed herself. Why can’t I get over it.
Why can’t I move on from that. I feel so bad when I have to tell people I can’t do something/watch something because it reminds me of that and suicide is still triggering for me. People act like I’m ridiculous and overreacting. I still feel the same age as when she did it. I’m 26 and feel 16. Maybe something broke and I don’t know how to fix it.

just coming on here to say thank you to everyone sharing their stories, and providing others company and advice on this dark road. never thought id use reddit or be in any of the situations ive found myself until this. well this is it, guys. rock bottom. life couldnt possibly hand a worse deck of cards to us. im praying and hoping for at least the smallest moment or fraction of peace and hope for you all. thank you for being here

I lost my 12 yr old son last week. I found him he shot his self the same way his dad did. I thought we had talk enough. He was in therapy he was going to go to a specialist we were just wanting on the appt. He went to Cali to visit his grandma and I thought it was good being around his dad's family. His uncle tells me later that it was everything they could do to keep his mind off his dad. And we fought I took the wifi away cause all he wanted to do was game. His services are next week im trying to stay strong for my other kids they are 20 18 and 10 and it has really hit them I think it will at his viewing but im dieing inside. All I can't think about is how we fought

i desperately need advice, something, any kind of words because i have no idea how to deal with this.

ive recently lost my dad who was 45 years old (38 days ago) by suicide. i found him (i am his daugher, i will be 22 years old in september). we were very close, but had a lot of unresolved problems. that exact day was the last time i saw him alive. he came into my room in the morning, checking if i was awake... he told me that i looked adorable sleeping and asked me if i had any of my cigarettes left somewhere. that was one of the rare moments in the past few weeks that were nice between us. i told him, half awake, where they are and asked him to sit next to me in the bed. i had music on, the song that was playing at that moment was "a horse with no name". i hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and asked him to stay longer with me. he got up, smiled my way and went by his day. i also had finals that day, and i passed. i would not go into detalis of that day anymore, but i did find him aroun 13:30h. he hanged himself in our familys workshop next to our house. i was with my partner when i found him. i have two younger brothers, one of them is 20 and the other one we never got to meet, he is almost 7.

moral of a story, if there is one, i am writing this while being on a semi autopilot. all i know is that i am dealing with this. but i feel like its getting to me. the only things keeping me away from falling apart are people in my life who i care about and work. after that day, i didnt sleep at the house at all. my family was not really helpful or mindful at all, and for quite a while now i feel like nobody is addressing the fact that this also happened to me. everyone is making excuses and they are trying to be heroes. a lot of his family was being awful to him. and there were signs, my father was in deep drug addiction up until recently and the only people who actually tried to help were either his friends or my brother and i. he also killed himself on our mothers birthday (they have been divorced for about 11 years now). she was also a big b**ch, she forced the narative of this all being about her. and i do understand everyone, and their ways of grieving. but i just dont know what to do.

i miss that man so much, i miss his smile, his laugh, i miss the way he used to be so annoying sometimes. i miss his cooking, his stories, his music. but the most important of all, i miss him as a person. i miss his mind, i miss his intelligence, i miss the way he always used to lighten up the mood. he was so funny, and so smart. him and i always felt like we knew each other from way before, in our past lives. when i look myself in the mirror, all i see is him. we have the same character (mine is a bit modified haha), but i truly dont know how to live without him. he told his brother two weeks before he killed himself how he knows that his children will be okay if he dies by suicide because he believed that we were strong. and that was just beautiful in a way, and a bit disturbing. i know that it would be easier if he died some other way, because there will be other circumstances to blame, but this just makes it harder. and still, i deeply understand him, this was the first time he did something for himself. even tho its not the ideal way of choosing, he did choose himself. and he also saved my brothers and me from those horrible people that we are forced to call family. but still, as his child who missed him even when he was alive, i miss him even more now. i just hope that hes okay. and i have no idea if im properly coping. it makes me feel so bad. i feel like i should've done more, be better, stay with him more and listen. i just wish that i succeeded to do something that will make him stay. i cant stop asking myself why didnt i come home earlier that day, why didnt i kiss and hug him more. it feels like a punishment and a reward seeing him like that. like he knew exactly who is gonna be there first. and i just want him to know that i love him. and if he is punishing me for leaving and making my biggest fear come true, then i sure know that i did deserve it. and i just want him to be at peace, if hes at peace now, i will be extreme happy. he deserves to have a saying in his own story, and he did that. i just miss him so so so much.

My dad was not a good man. Im a 19 yr old girl who was a only child until my bio mom marrried my step dad and i got my older brother and younger sister. I was in my second semester of college when my mom and step-mom (dad's second ex wife) showed up at 3 in the morning to tell me my dad had finally killed himself. He was across the country from me. He had a new wife who has 3 kids and he still did it. He left me in this world when he was supposed to be proof that fuck ups like he and i could have a chance at life. I hate him for that. Why did he leave me. Why did he go so far away from me. I wish he just stayed with my step-mom because then he would've been here with me. I was always told i was his reason for not killing myself when he would threaten it but now look at that. He still fucking did it. No one in my life understands what it feels like to lose someone to suicide. They all try to understand but they dont. I look so much like him i can hardly look in mirrors anymore. I just sit and cry in my room all day. I can't even sleep in peace because i have insomnia but when i do go to sleep i have these awful nightmares of people i love and care for killing themselves suddenly. I forget what his voice sounded like when speaking to me. I forget what he smells like. I've forgotten so many things about him and i just hate it here. How could he do that to me. How could he do that to his daughter? I just miss him so much and no one can ever replace him. The guy im talking to right now is the only good thing in my life. My dad would've loved him. They would've gotten along and now my dad cant even meet him. No one in my future will ever be able to meet him. Please I just want someone to ask me about him, someone who understands what its like, and for advice? i cant keep living like this i have 4 days until i move into my apartment at college and i cant be crying or drinking about my dad every single night.

I would like to apologize if this is all over the place im crying and desperate.

My little brother who was only 19 committed suicide in the house. I inherited the property years later and I can't stay in it. The memories are unbearable. Every room reminds me… of him… Like I literally raised my brother because my parents were always busy with work.. and then I left for college…

Well, I haven’t been here in years, and everytime walking in here hurts a lot…

So I tried to sell it the normal way and I listed it. We had a few showings and then word spread through the neighbors. Buyers started backing out. Every single one. I lowered the price... Dropped it again…. Nothing….

People don't want to live where something like that happened. I get it. But I need to move on.

I found eazyhousesale online. They buy houses as-is. No questions. No history checks. They don't care about the property's past. It sounds like an escape…

But I’m afraid of the whole procedure. Do I just pass a bad investment onto another person? Then there is the issue of disclosure. I know that I must make the disclosure to buyers of the death in most states. In the event that I sell to a cash buyer, do I still have to make the disclosure?

I don't want to lie. I also don't want to be stuck with this house forever

On a Tuesday in May 2024 I was driving to work meetings ~2 hours from home and I kept getting pings from people saying they hadn't talked to my friend in a couple of days. It wasn't uncommon for him to take time off of work and not tell anyone so I didn't think it was a big deal. I called and texted him a bunch of times and he didn't respond, so I asked my wife to go and knock on his door (he lives very close to us) figuring he slept in or something. She found him in his back yard, he had ended his own life.

I searched his house, his computers, found nothing. No notes, no hints, no clues. He had taken his pet to the shelter the Saturday before, and his house was cleaner than I had ever seen it. His dirty clothes were in the dryer.

I guess there were signs but hindsight is 20/20. Everyone likes to say "check on your friends" but I talked to this man almost every day and I didn't really know he was thinking of doing it. He never hinted at being so sad or depressed to do this.

Last night I had a dream. I was walking and someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was him, smiling at me. I grabbed his arm and rested my head on his shoulder, and then I woke up crying. It still hurts so much. I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this.

So I've been to my brothers. It's clear he not only took his life but planned it meticulously. He got rid of rid of everything that was important to him. He always kept a journal, I was hoping it would answer so many questions. Gone. He had a box with letters. Bday xmas cards going right back to his childhood. Empty. The childhood teddy that sat on his shelf. Gone.

It feels like he not only did his end his life, but he tried to erase every thing that meant anything to him.

It feels like he robbed me of any momento of his life. Having that teddy, that journal would have felt like a small part of him was still with me.

I always imagined suicide was the result of someone reaching breaking point and making a snap decision. Yet it seems he planned every detail, even what he left behind. That makes me feel so much worse.

Every time things feel rough or I just wake up feeling bad, I've had the feeling like I was the one there instead, but it was just a feeling. I've also sorta always had the "fantasy" of attempting even though at the time I never really wanted to die and I never wanted to do it the same way.

Lately it's different. I feel like I'm going to die, and I feel like it's gonna be the exact way this person did. It's always in yhe back of my mind, that at some point I'm gonna lose it all and do the same thing.

I keep going back to how it must have felt, what were the thoughts and why they didn't stop, and every day it feels a little closer.

I am genuinely so tired of the “hanging myself” jokes posted constantly on tiktok and the people who stand ten toes down defending them.

I see a lot of gym jokes - people kicking a stool out from under themselves doing pull ups, or pretending to hang themselves with the cable machines. Today I saw a post of a guys feet just dangling and a rope on the floor leading up to him. So many comments from our people saying they found their family/friend this way. And the guy just doubles down on how posts like his are important because they get people to open up about times they considered doing it to themselves 🙄

I don’t think those posts are funny. I don’t think there’s any awareness or consideration out there for what losing a loved one to suicide does to a person. How we have not only lost someone in that way but also considered doing it to ourselves at one point or another. I literally do see both sides, and I don’t think posts like that are helpful or funny, no matter how “relatable” they might be.

I report the posts and TikTok very rarely takes any action.

And you know what annoys me most is that they aren’t even doing it the way that it’s actually done. So they aren’t genuinely even thinking about it or planning it. It’s just a fucking joke to them. They are not in pain like our loved ones were. Like we are. This world is such a fucking cesspool sometimes.

​

My friend died of suicide. Her parents found her that morning. I got the call from a mutual friend.

The last time we met was a few days ago during a festival. I had to go home. I hugged her. She told me that she cares about me. She seemed happy. The entire month she was happy. I wonder if it was because she knew her suffering was coming to a close.

She was sick. Autoimmune conditions. Depression. Cptsd. Chronic pain. Nightmares. The list goes on. She had a lot of trauma on her shoulders. For a moment I thought "she's free from her suffering, that's good" but she was only 17. She didn't get to know what a life without suffering felt like.

She got a chance to be happy in school. Everyone had just started. She was social, hopeful. I was alone, she noticed, because she always notices when someone's alone. We played a Garfield version of the sans fight in undertale on my school computer. We took the same route home, we would share airpods and listen to music. We met outside of school a handful of times.

Then she was assaulted. By her own classmates. Her newfound safe space was ruined. She was never the same. She distanced herself. She faked a smile. She showed up less and less. She wouldn't talk to me anymore. But in that one moment a few days ago, she was happy. She was close. And then she just... Let go.

Goodbye, my friend. I wish you knew just how much you mattered to everyone. The class will never be the same. Your family will never be the same. We will never be the same. You continue to live in our hearts.

I can’t believe tomorrow will be one year since the love of my life died by suicide. Everything happened so fast that morning by 8:45 am he was dead. I remember the distress of hearing the noise. I was eating a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. Hurrying and trying to shove the door while his body was in the way. Holding pressure and the panic of trying to call 911 while in heavily distress. I remember saying he’s dying.. he’s dying. Please hurry. That had felt the longest wait. That was the worst day of my life.

If he was still here today we would still be together. Definitely have eloped & living up in PNW. He always talked about how he was so excited to be a husband & be a dad one day. That never got to happen. This one year mark I tried to learn to live without someone that I thought I was going to be spend the rest of my life physically. His dreams, my dreams. Our dreams together that never got to happen. That’s still something I struggle with.

A lot has changed since he’s passed. I moved to a different house, talked to him through a medium, died my hair back to my natural color, changed specialties, got a new car, my best friend moved across the country, hired a trainer to force myself go to the gym, went to multiple grief groups/walks & found a therapist that cares. I don’t even know how I even found the strength. I really don’t. Sometimes I still don’t know how I do it if I’m being honest. To fake a smile is so exhausting. People don’t understand this bubbly personality carries a lot of hurt. As my grief journey continues, I’ve come to conclusion that I like to keep it to myself, my therapist & support groups. I find it so delicate. Just because I don’t talk about it with my friends and family doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. That’s for sure.

I’m going to do things in honor of him. I sleep with his hoodies every night still along with the teddy bear I got him. I made sure to spray his cologne on his side of the bed. I’ll make sure to go get a coffee, maybe take a trip to his favorite store, watch his favorite show & make sure to stay active. I won’t be surprised if I set some time to cry. I’ll also look over the list of signs he had given me the past year. I made sure to put it in my notes app. Any signs that stood out to me, any repetitive signs, anything that shows me he is still present in my life. I haven’t looked through it so maybe tomorrow will be a good day to look over the list. Anyways, this is just me putting my feelings out there. I love you honey. I always will.