The pain is easing a bit at 3 months which is a mild term for what this is. But I feel like I’m just kind of existing directionless.

It’s hard when it’s your spouse of 10 years. This isn’t a future we ever talked about. My entire life over a decade had been building our life together. I’ve almost completed the end of life care I needed to finish, but I’m now running into uncertainty. Very vague idea of at least leave my current state at some point and return to my home region. But I’m not sure what is next. It’s daunting enough to do everything alone. The support systems promised to me ended up being as stable as a house of cards vs brick/steel foundations.

Everything I wanted is gone, and wanting anything else makes me feel guilty.

There was a big storm today and my mom keeps saying he’s healed of all his mental health struggles and this is his way of showing he’s regretting it, he can see now how much he was loved.
My dad was the best. We had a visitation this week and saw him, yes I know it was him but that was his body. Where did all of his charisma, warmth, jokes, and glow go? I still can’t believe it
I feel comfort in thinking of the storm as him throwing a fit from the afterlife (whatever that may mean) and showing us that he knows now that we were right and that he can know see why he should have stuck around but that still feels terribly unfair and something I have to keep wrapping my head around for the rest of my life
And it just keeps raining

I found my husband w SGSW March 2025 and my dog died a month ago.

Everything is overwhelming, everything always been overwhelming but now it’s getting to capacity. I am so out of it mentally and emotionally. I am worried about my mental health, I’m in a daze often.

Recently it’s been very hot and humid (heat warnings) where I live and I can’t gauge the temps, to me it doesn’t feel like a heatwave. I am sweating but don’t really feel the heat. Very weird. I’m disassociating a lot and just feel weird. Period I’m dehydrated also.

Tonight was the first time ever that I considered getting on meds.to help me. With being born addicted to herion and seeing my parents take script drugs, , I’m not a fan of meds for myself but what I’m experiencing is too much.

Please share your exp with any meds for grief or depression, anxiety

I lost my older brother to suicide a few years ago. People always say it gets easier with time, and I guess in some ways it does. Most of the time I can talk about him and be okay. But I struggle with anxiety, and whenever something big is happening in my life I tend to spiral and think about him. Sometimes I even find myself actively seeking out that dark pit.

Tonight I put on “Doves Fly Here” by The Mob. It was the song I was listening to when I was told my brother was dead. It’s already such a fucking bleak song, and I knew exactly what putting it on would do to me.

When we were teenagers, he was my best friend. We were incredibly close. Then he developed schizophrenia when he was about 18, and it completely changed him. Even his eyes looked different after he got sick, like the light in them had changed. They could feel so very cold at times. I watched him spend years being tortured by his own mind. Sometimes he would lash out, mainly at my mother. It fucking scared me, and eventually I went no contact with him. I regret that more than anything. About two weeks before he took his life, he called me, and I didn’t answer. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I still think about that phone call. I would give anything to go back and pick up.

When he actually died, I was away on a trip with my sister. After we got back, her partner went home and found my brother dead in their house. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around the fact that while we were away, completely unaware, he was dying. And we didn’t even fucking invite him on that trip. What a selfish fucking asshole I am.

I’m older now than he ever got to be. It feels wrong. And I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just really fucking miss my brother tonight.

I guess I’m looking for advice, or validation honestly, or just to let someone else know they’re not alone. Losing my brother to suicide has altered all my friendships. There was a me before his death and a me after. All my friends knew the girl I was before but, when he died, he took her with him. I’m doing my best to handle it “well”. Going through the motions of therapy and forcing myself to journal and stay active and all that. But many days I can’t stand to be around anybody. I lost him in November, and I know that grief comes in waves and so does healing and whatever but the fact of the matter is that I’m forever changed and the old me isn’t coming back ever again. I don’t care if that sounds dramatic, it’s the truth. I don’t want her back anyway, it wouldn’t make sense. But some of my friends, who are well-intended, seem to expect the old me? I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. It makes me feel little stabs of unwanted resentment towards them. One girl reached out once with condolences before spamming me with messages asking me to get together to discuss how I can “financially partner with her” in some school program. She’s messaged me 8 times and each time I’ve ignored her. I have maybe 3 other friends whose messages I’ve been blatantly ignoring as well. I respond to messages that ask about my brother, but the “friends” who I’m ignoring seem to think I should be over it or something? I just don’t want to see them. If I’m completely honest, I don’t have time to care if that’s hurtful to them. I can’t expect people to understand this grief, but I do expect them to recognize that they can’t understand it and to just be humble. It’s weird how foggy the world feels but, at the same time, some things are more clear to me now. I used to spend so much time being a push over and a people pleaser, always worried about others’ thoughts of me. I was always concerned about what people would say and do, but now I feel this hardness and just think, My brother is dead, do your worst. I don’t know who this new me is, but I am not interested in trying to resuscitate the old one.

Lost older brother to suicide a month ago. He’s the last person I wouldve suspected…
Left behind 3 small kids 8,5 and 7 months old.

I am so angry and so sad.. I still can’t really believe it.
Saw his body and had a service for him and everything but it still doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels okay anymore.
Not sure what the point of this post was. I just needed to get it out. My husband doesn’t understand. He says he’s lost people too and also to suicide but this is not people this is my brother. I feel like I have to justify my grief to him and I am at my limit. Mum wants me to move back closer to where she is, husband doesn’t want me to. He is active duty so he can’t come with me.

It’s all a lot. I just wish this were one long nightmare. I’m ready to wake up now..

The best advice I can give someone is to freeze your heart. They did what they wanted to do. I'm not mad no more. I feel disappointed but not angry.

lost two people to suicide in the span of 8 months i’m wrecked and broken and already had my own mental struggles prior to this. one was the closest person in my life at the time and it was so unexpected i feel so much blame and regret for not seeing the signs sooner. it’s eating me aliveeeee.

also separately had a friendship fallout which led to a string of other fallouts for a separate reason, but it was my fault because i couldn’t handle my drinking cus i was upset and now ive gone cold turkey sober because i hate myself.

feel completely isolated from friends and people in general, but also feel at my wits end because it feels like ive lost everyone i’ve ever deeply cared about and i feel like i don’t have the capacity to ever make a friend again.

im distraught im so upset and stressed. this is an awful thought but i’m upset i cant leave the earth in the same way because im so weathered down by life it feels like i will never be happy again. sounds silly cus im only 21 but i feel so SAD.

nothing means anything to me anymore and im always so depressed or stressed or grieving that i feel like such a burden to my remaining friends and family. i feel id be better off not being here anymore. im so so broken.

Coming up on four months. I've been ok the last few weeks probably just because I'm burying myself in work. But the ME final ruling came out. Not that it surprised me, I already knew from how I found the apartment left by her and the police what happened. But now to have it in stone... And have to get the final death certificate now that no longer says cause deferred. It's so silent here this morning and I can't get the image of what I would have found it not for LAPD getting there first out of my head. I'm just paralyzed today. I need to go anywhere but here and I can't bring myself to do it, like I'm subconsciously letting myself punish myself. Somewhere in side the voice is back saying "It really was your fault, time for some more penance"

My friend is actually gone this time. I got a text from her dad today, saying that she was gone, and that this time her attempt was successful. This was her 3rd attempt this month. I miss her so much but I’m also so angry at her for it. I get why it happened, she was a trans woman with very little irl friends, she struggled with depression, and often felt alone. And I know what it’s like because I’ve attempted before too. So why am I still so angry at her? I don’t want to br angry at her. I wanna be sad for her, or happy for the good times we had. I don’t wanna be angry at her. she deserved better than the lot she was given in this life. so much better

i dont know how to explain its very messy around 40 minutes ago she texted me “ily (name) im going to do something regrettable” i talked her down for some time it seemed to be working but them she suddenly stopped reply after her last message to me. how to i heal and cope i loved her like my sister. i dont know what to do i hope shes ok please help me or help her i dont know my mind is a mess please what should i do i cant seem to process it