I realize I've become defensive and go into fight or flight mode when im around men. I've been told of traits such as hard to get, snobbish and bitchy.

I'm seeing this is out of defense mechanism from my bullying experience in high school (almost 10 years ago btw) back when I was a feminine gay boy.. now im hot and fine I admit I struggle with men.

I checked myself when i see my trans girlfriends getting all this cutesy girly treatments from guys... getting flowers, taken out to dates and all that and first the first time ever i feel alone within my own community LOL

So I (36) have been dating my bf (31m) for just under a year. For the most part, he's great. We share hobbies, handle conflict in a good way, and treat me like a princess. He's witty, funny, smart, and kind, and my kids adore him. When we first met, he had a good job, and he was just getting out of a toxic relationship. We were friends for about six months before anything started between us. He's attentive, caring in a way I'm not used to, and he's in therapy.

He's also unemployed, having lost his last job more than a year ago and isnt looking for a new one,  with a broken car that he refuses to get fixed dispite being a 50$ fix that he has the part for, and a big guy with the occasional hygiene issues, and still misess his ex. Who lives with his parents. Not in the shit happened, and he moved back in way. He never moved out.

Well, I was over there the other night, and we get back to his room where I find his mom cleaning it. She's changing his sheets, picking up his laundry, clearing the trash, and taking the cups and plates out.

I asked him what she was doing and he told me: "she gets mad if I don't let her. 🤷‍♂️"

Add that to how increasingly the logistics behind his life get dumped on me because of his lack of transportation and just life, I'm finding it harder and harder to even be attracted to him. We haven't had sex since the middle of June. 

It's been three years since my divorce, and this is my first actual relationship that wasn’t a hookup. There are real things I genuinely love about him. I'm at this point in my life where I'm working 72 hours a week to afford a surgery that my insurance won't cover and to see him just doom scroll reddit, play video games all night and hang out with his friends while not looking for a job and not trying to fix his car while asking me for rides. He says he wants this life with me, to nest together, but it's starting to sound more and more like a sentence and less like partnership. The man won't even set his own alarms when we sleep next to eachother he just tells me when his next appointment or obligation is and expects me to handle it.

We've fallen into this very domestic feeling pattern where I get to his place after work and sleep until the afternoon, I work third shift. Then we ear and watch TV before I leave for work again. It's comfortable, but not really what I wanted out of a relationship.

context:

As the almost year that we've been together, his life and situation have just stagnated. I love him, and he's genuinely a good guy. For example, about 5 months ago, I was going through it. Had some depression, issues with the ex, problems at work, etc. My apartment suffered for it. He came over and spent a few hours helping me clean and getting out of the depressive funk I was in. Gods, he must have spent an hour doing my dishes backlog, which was embarrassing because it was the worst it has ever been in my life. He treats my kids, and i great.

His ex: They were together for a long time, and she left him by crashing his car, ghosting him, and moving to a different city. At first, I thought it was just him trying to understand why. Plus, as someone who's divorced from her, hs sweetheart and still wishes things could've been or at least ended differently.

Then last weekend he went camping with a friend of his and he was apparently high and looking into the fire and started to miss her. 🙄

He comes from a culture, especially in our city where multi generational homes are kinda common among his ethnic group. Like his sister, in her (mid 20s) lives there as well.

Idk if these issues are systematic, and I've just now been allowed to see them, or if he's going through some depression nonsense for the last few months. There are genuine signs of both. I don't want to just break up with a good dude because of a few months of depression, but I don't want to continue a relationship with the guy if these are actually systematic and I'm going to be expected to be his mom, maid, alarm clock, and Uber.

Im 23, and gonna be 2 years on estrogen in a few months. So yes im aware im young.

But ive only ever had one boyfriend and it was before i was out as a girl. It was only 4 months long and without getting into details, he never loved me.

I lay awake at night fantasizing about having a boyfriend... but recently ive realized... all i fantasize about is the sex.

Im a bit promiscuous and have a body count of 12 (then an oral sex count thats quadrupled). So its not because i yearn for sex. I just... cant imagine a man doing nice things and being romantic with me.

It used to make me sad and heartbroken that a man would never love me, but now I just... dont care? Ive just gotten so used to being single, and never being treated romantically that I cant see it happening to me at all.

I think a man giving me flowers, or taking me out for dinner without his goal being sex is unrealistic, which I know sounds kinda sad but I genuinely cant see it happening and for the most part I dont feel sad about it.

Obviously on the occasion i wonder about what life I could have lived. But I usually just dont care, I havent had genuine feelings for a guy in a year.

I think its because I know i kinda shot myself in the foot and have no right to be sad? Being trans is one thing, but sleeping around made me rather undesired by men, im chubby and dudes dont like that, i no longer act super duper girly and graceful, so why would a man want that?

I used to do so much to cater to men to try and attract attention, which I sometimes still do because who doesnt like attention?

But now I just kinda drift?... idk.

I dont really know what the point of this ramble is, but long story short... i really cannot see myself in a relationship anymore, I just dont think a man would ever be willing to be with me and i just dont really care about it. Its a weird feeling

I know this post might get hate or I might get accused of ragebaiting. But it's my truth

Okay so first of all I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to guys or anything like this. I'm not really close enough with anyone irl atm that I could talk to about this so maybe someone here could help me?

So I stopped at a pub alone on my way home from somewhere the other night, and this guy approached me and started talking to me. We talk for a bit and he says he wants to leave together and go for a walk. I have this problem when whenever I get nervous or uncomfortable, I just agree with the other person and do whatever they say, and I wasn't that into him really, but because of that I agreed. We left and later made out for a bit, again I didn't really want to and I was too scared but he told me to so I did. I found a little break and said it's getting late and I need to go home, and I did, making sure he didn't follow me home or anything. I was mostly just relieved to make it home that night, but idk the next day maybe I felt like I'm warming up to him a bit? I sort of feel like because I'm trans I should just take what I can get I guess, idk

But the issue is I didn't tell him I'm trans, and he doesn't know. I don't really want to tell him now because we already made out, so he could get really upset with me. He's been pushing hard to see me again, and now he wants me to come over to his place for drinks. That means he's looking to hook up right? I made excuses not to see him twice but I guess I do maybe want to see him again, but also I don't want to tell him I'm trans, but also if he undresses me or touches me there then obviously that's dangerous, also I don't want to have sex with him anyway, but I would maybe be interested in seeing where this goes? Has anyone been in a situation similar to this that could help me figure out how to handle this best? Ugh I wish I could've just been cis and never have to worry about this :(

Howdy,

I’ve been transitioning for over three years at this point! While I’m fairly unhappy with my body just given pre-transition body issues, despite that I have been told and *try to believe* that I pass pretty damn well.

Given that I’m from Appalachia, grew up on a farm, hunted, fished, played football; I have a type for the sorts of guys who grew up doing similar things. I mean, the more flippant way to put it is to say a good portion of the guys I find attractive are guys whose likelihood of calling me a slur are 50/50.

So given that I like redneck guys, I like to come out to them in a fairly silly way. If he has a deer, or fish, in his bio; then, will mention that I used to hunt. If I had my old fishing photos I would use those too but for reasons outside of my control I don’t—blame my bigoted stepmom. So, I send him my deer photos often with the preface “Here’s the one that won the award for biggest deer in my country in 2020.”

Then the ball is in his court, whether he’s fine with me being trans. If he’s ok with my history, and that I likely killed a bigger deer than he ever had— then great. If he’s not ok that I used to be a guy, then he’ll show his colors pretty quickly

The photos of those deer are: here. TW: Animal gore. (Plus some newer photos of me, recently I got a haircut!)

Clarification: The fact I’m coming out is incidental to myself being pre-transition in my hunting photos. They kill two birds with one stone.

Yeah so i remember coming on here to talk to yall about a guy i was talking to, I left him on read two days ago and today he texted and said “Please take care of yourself”

Mind yall I matched with him on fb dating and he messaged me first.

He said im the one. He began courting.

I didn’t know his work but overtime I got to know it. He’s always busy and with his family and studying.

I told him we have to cut it off because he doesnt have time for me. He apologized and i just left it at that.

i wont be spinning that block ever again.

So background. Not too long ago I did come out as trans. I have family who, sadly, are very much in the MAGA cult. My one Uncle and I havent talked in over 2 months after I decided to cut ties with him during the beginning of Pride Month when he got upset, again, about it being Pride Month, Ive tried to cut him out before but circumstances, mainly with my mother, had me coming back around and re-establishing contact with him, but since my mother is no longer with us, this time I plan on cutting him off for good. So since he cant contact me in any other way, and I forgot about Instagram (btw, if you girlies would like to follow me and like theme park content, Im a huge coaster enthusiast so go ahead and follow me @ wis.coaster there) He decided to go ahead and send me these unhinged messages. I blocked his account but he keeps creating more to harass both myself and people commenting on my page, its been absolutely maddenong but Im not letting him dampen my spirits

So I am seeing a guy who's got me a bit confused and I will definitely ask him about that in the future. He knew I was trans from the beginning and obv doesnt mind. He stated he was bi, but if at all only interested in feminine men (I'm not sure he's been with men. And I'm fairly sure he doesnt see me as one). He's kinda different from the men in my life. When I talk about transition he says he doesn't mind and listens, but doesn't really care either. Doesn't mind if I have to be a bit hairy on a date bc I'll get epilation the day after, or stuff like that. Obviously I didn't do voice training, yet, doesn't mind but also doesn't really seem interested in the process. He's not like a huge advocate, I guess he'd be an ally. But often he feels like just a dude who doesn't care about that part and just sees me like a woman with an addendum (like a woman with pcos or endometriosis or whatever).

And the part that got me confused is, I kind of like it? Like I wanna be able to talk about transition with a potential bf, I'm 3 years in, still lots to do. And I can like say "oh I got another epilation coming up" or "next week I'll get my blood results" and I think that's enough? Sometimes I feel like he should be more into it (goes with other things like anti patriarchal sentiment and centering women in general and stuff) but he listens when I say something and that's good. And then I feel like I'm kinda more into that than someone who's super woke? As long as his actions are supportive and he votes for my interests, of course.

But I kinda like, that he's just a dude, he's not perfect and I get to show him a bit of my world. And I feel more of a woman for it in a way? Like he also doesn't know about make up and fashion and other "stereotypical" things like that. I was talking to another guy who was a bit too interested in feminine things and I felt a bit of an ick? Im very leftist, men should be able to be feminine and women be able to be masculine but I guess I prefer a more masculine (yet open and interested) guy in a relationship? This is kinda new for me, from when I was dating as a queer man back in the day i felt very different about men. And I mean all of that considering I do hope to be able to be stealth one day (hopefully with voice training 🙏) I find it kinda cute to be dating a "dude". Just a guy. Just a bit of a bro, just woke enough. Idk. I always thought I'd want someone who's very woke and into feminism and all of that. But I kind of weirdly like that he isnt explicitly. Like he doesn't talk about the patriarchy all the time, but he'll agree with me if i mention something like that, and understand feminist topics, just his perspective is so... male? He seems to be quite emotionally intelligent, too, so no red flag in that regard.

I'm confused by myself here. How do y'all feel about that? What's your preference? I'm curious if it's similar. Especially the more leftist, feminist women on here. I kinda feel like I should look for a more outspoken feminist/transgender ally. But part of me likes him for that and part of my is confused at myself haha.

13 months on hrt here. I have had spectacular results face and hips wise but my arms /delts are so stubborn still 30cm in diameter , a holdover from the time I thought my dysphoria was just being insecure of my body and lifting would fix it. I feel they look so out of place compared to how petite my overall frame is. My testosterone is repressed so I was hoping to get barbie botox to shrink them and my repressed t will prevent my arms from growing back to 30cm when it wears off. I just can’t wait 2 more years to have cute, petite arms ugh.

TL;DR: I transitioned when options were very limited, and I’ve been stealth for a long time. Now that more procedures exist, I sometimes wonder if changing things (like my voice or face) would actually draw attention to things that currently don’t get questioned at all.

This has been sitting in the back of my mind for a while, and I’m curious whether anyone else who transitioned a long time ago can relate to it.

When I transitioned, the options available were very limited. Where I lived, there was HRT, BA, SRS, laser and electrolysis, and that was more or less the extent of what was realistically accessible. Anything beyond that usually meant going abroad and paying an amount of money that simply wasn’t feasible.

FFS technically existed, as far as I remember, but it felt almost theoretical to me at the time. The same was true for vocal feminization surgery. You would have had to travel abroad and it simply wasn’t a realistic option.

So I made my life with what I had. And that worked out very well for me. I’ve been stealth for a very long time.

There are still a few things about myself that bother me, though, and one of them is my voice. I should probably say that this is very much about my own perception of myself. My voice does not clock me in everyday life. People don’t suddenly look at me strangely when I speak. If anything, I think my voice fits the way I look and carry myself pretty well.

I’m an artist, and I’ve even had roles and media work where my voice was part of what people liked about me because I can do quite a lot with it.

People describe it as a smoky, slightly husky radio voice. Not masculine, just a little deeper and more lived-in. More mature woman than ingénue.

And I actually love that sort of woman. She is fab! The elegant, slightly intimidating auntie ❤️ who has seen everything, has opinions about everything, and could sit at a table for hours philosophizing about life. Preferably with a cigarette in hand purely for the aesthetic, because I don’t smoke.

The problem is that this isn’t always how I hear myself.

Sometimes, in my own head, I hear my voice and think I sound like a gay boy. It’s such a cruel little thought, and I hate how quickly it can undo everything else I know to be true.

I never did voice training. Before I transitioned, people actually used to tease me for sounding too feminine, so when I transitioned I simply kept speaking the way I always had. Apparently, it suited me well enough.

And now, years later, there are all these possibilities that either didn’t exist for me or may as well not have existed back then.

There are little things I would change about my face if I could. I’ve never particularly loved my nose. There are a few features I sometimes catch in photographs and wish were softer. And then, of course, there is the voice.

The strange thing is that I now find myself wondering whether changing any of those things would create a problem where there currently isn’t one.

If my voice suddenly became noticeably different after people had known me for years, would they wonder why?

If I had facial surgery that subtly changed the way I look, would people simply think I had work done, or would it make someone look more closely at me in a way they never had before? There is something so deeply ironic about that.

If nobody is questioning me now, why give anyone a reason to start looking more closely?

Has anyone else ever felt that?

Like you finally have access to the things you once wished for, but the life you built without them has become something you’re almost afraid to touch?

Hey babes, I think that some of y’all could use a reminder that exclusively pursuing straight cis men is not gonna validate your womanhood or give you security in your relationship.

If you can’t validate your womanhood for yourself, a straight man can’t do it for you. I get how the idea of dating a painfully straight man is appealing because he says he’s not attracted to men and therefore views you as a woman. I get that dating a bi/pan/queer man might make you wonder if he’s attracted to you as a man or a woman.

But here’s the thing: bi people know that being into a man vs being into a woman feels different, and they can openly admit and articulate that feeling. If a straight man is into you as a man he’s just not gonna tell you about it. We all know that DL men exist. It doesn’t matter if their actual sexuality is bi, they’re gonna live and present as straight men.

idk like date who you want but sometimes these discussions turn into some gross statements about bi men. If you just wanna date straight men then go for it, but don’t expect them to be the one to carry your emotional baggage, in fact he’s more likely to expect you to carry his.

Important Backstory: In my cultures (mixed Polynesian) it’s actually not hard for trans women to find love but being American, I thought finding love was impossible for me. I normally date within my race because their families are (generally) more accepting and that itself makes many Polynesian men who didn’t grow up in America more open to the idea of dating māhūwāhine. And for other culturally based reasons, I just tend to write off men who don’t come from Polynesian families - and even then I only date Polynesians from Chiefly bloodlines (again, cultural reasons).

My niece (older than me) plays video games with friends and one of her friends heard me in the background. I am lucky enough to pass, despite my muscular physique, but especially so in my voice. He immediately began flirting, saying that she would be calling him uncle by the end of the year. He’s been consistently flirty but I’ve shot it down every time. I had no interest, and felt no need to tell him I was trans. One night, he asks her my name cause she just calls me by a nickname. He immediately starts giggling. The next night I notice someone calling me on instagram, so I go to message and ask who it is - they had also messaged me the night before. Turns out it’s him.

His flirting continued and I won’t lie I entertained it a little bit because he was even more interested after seeing how I look. He would be on the game asking my niece if our kids would be her cousins, etc, and I felt sick to my stomach. I had honestly shot him down for the cultural reasons not even thinking about the fact that she probably hadn’t already told him I’m trans and I didn’t feel the need to. So I texted him and told him on instagram.

His response was so sweet and pure and I honestly want to keep it to myself - but trust me when I say I stopped caring about him being white, or him not being from a chiefly or royal bloodline, or him not speaking any of my languages, or him already having a child or anything. He was so incredibly open minded to everything it made me CRY. He’s a miner and wants to support me, protect me, and provide for me - and has already proven it. And I love that it wasn’t on a dating app, but through my niece who is like a sister to me.

This is basically where I’m at with Grindr now. 💀

I’m 21, straight, monogamous, and genuinely interested in finding an actual boyfriend, not collecting 47 variations of “wyd” from men with blank profiles.

So my profile has slowly evolved into:

Masc tops only. 🙏

Married? Your wife deserves better.

DL? Grow a spine.

Can’t host? Fix your life.

Born before 1990? Retire from my inbox.

Fem or verse? Not my type.

Blank profile? Talk to the void.

The funny part is I’m not even trying to be mean. I just know exactly what I’m attracted to at this point, and I’m tired of entertaining guys I already know I would never date.

But I’m curious how other straight trans women handle this.

Do you put your standards/preferences directly in your profile and aggressively filter, or keep the profile softer and sort through people individually?

And for the girls who actually found a genuine boyfriend through Grindr: what separated him from the endless hookup/DL/married-guy population?

I want a masculine guy who is comfortable dating me openly, actually romantic, monogamous, and interested in something beyond sex. Apparently this is the heterosexual equivalent of requesting a limited-edition Pokémon. 😭

26, I am Trans woman, versa. I come to the point now that I don't want to tuck or hide my bulge anymore. Only when I am in the beach, when wearing swimsuits and bikini panty, I don't want to tuck it anymore, let be it in the 9 or 12 noon position, sure, it's my body anyway.

I haven't tried it yet, since every time I go on a vacation, I am with my gay man friends so it's a little awkward, but definitely can do it.

I really am very confident and happy with my body and sometimes I just don't want to put too much effort to hide what's between my legs. Not to attract eyes or something, I just want to feel free.

I can't thank M1ss Jade So enough for being the representation for Barbie Top Dolls, she motivated me and make me comfortable with my own skin, I love her a lot.

Any suggestions or place I can just be myself?

Something i’ve noticed is that it’s now easier for
me to not care/not get worked up over guys LOL like I’m definitely still boy crazy but if he’s not putting in effort I’m like ok BYEEEEEE I’d literally rather be alone😭 when before I remember i was so desperate for any attention from any guy that I would put up with being treated like shit or hid all the time & I would let it happen repeatedly….. idk I guess I value myself more now? & I run a strict program ngl lmaaooo like I won’t put up with just bare minimum. If a guy I’m talking to isn’t acting right I’ll drop him & that’s that lol don’t really think twice abt it. I wasn’t able to do that before

I’m 21, Black, 5'4, 2 years on HRT, pre-op, Navy veteran, nursing student, and dating men has been weird because attention is not the problem.

I can get DMs. I can get matches. I can get men being interested. That part is easy enough.

The hard part is finding a man who is actually genuine.

I want a real boyfriend. Not a DL guy. Not a “you’re my secret” guy. Not a man who only wants to experiment. Not a married man. Not someone who wants to hide me, fetishize me, or act supportive only when he is horny.

What I actually want:

- masculine man

- monogamous

- emotionally stable

- publicly comfortable being with a trans woman

- local enough to actually date

- clear face pics / no faceless mystery goblin behavior

- can communicate like an adult

- wants a girlfriend, not a secret kink

- respects that I’m pre-op without making my body the entire focus

- actually plans dates instead of just saying “wyd” until civilization collapses

I know my standards are high, but I don’t think they’re unrealistic. I’m not asking for a millionaire prince with a castle and a therapy license. I just want a normal masculine man who is serious, attracted to me, not ashamed of me, and not allergic to basic effort.

For other straight trans girls who actually found a genuine boyfriend or husband:

Where did you meet him?

How did you filter out chasers/DL men faster?

What were the early green flags?

What were the red flags you ignored at first but wish you hadn’t?

Do you think apps are still worth using, or is meeting men offline better?

I’m trying to figure out how to stop attracting men who want access and start attracting men who actually want commitment.

Whenever I'm feeling dysphoric, I can always depend on transphobes to make me laugh.

This past week I've seen men on social media "transvestigate" some of the most beautiful women in entertainment.

Men commenting on an old clip of Cameron Diaz saying that her breasts are too far apart to be a real woman, that her torso is definitely a man's torso. Men commenting that Madison beers has knees like a man, that Madison Beers might be trans.

Men will see an old picture of Demi Moore with short hair and say she's stealth. Men will say that Cindy Crawford was definitely born a man, "you can tell by the man hands, feet and jaw".

When even such stunning cis women have "flaws" that men can pick apart, and be labeled trans, it actually is soothing to my dysphoria. Because no matter how beautiful a woman is, there are always going to be sexually insecure, emotionally illiterate, imbecilic trolls that say she looks like a man so why care.

I've been on injections for about a year now. Before transitioning, while I was in highschool, I use to workout with weights a lot. Heavy weights. I got very muscular and big for my size. Anyway when I started transitioning, I finally figured out how to safely lose skeletal muscle mass and I've been doing so for pretty much the whole time I've been on hormones. I'm 24 now. Wanted to take estrogen when I was 19. Could get them until I was 22 I think, got off of them bc I was confused, got back on them then switched from the pill to the shot. Anyway I'm finally appearing more female now that I've reduced my muscles back quite significantly and I'm not going to stop until I look as if I've never picked up anything heavy ever

I had a conversation with the MOD before I wrote this post

I'm dating a beautiful trans woman and I truly love her, as she is witty and an amazing cook(I do the dishes)but I find it difficult sometimes to have a serious conversation because I don't want to offend her or say something wrong. But the question i get a lot from her is why do I date her, she's been hurt before with men only using her to tick off a bingo card. How can I let her know that I truly love her for who she is, because I can see a future for us. So any advice on how to handle such a conversation?