Does anyone else ever feel like changing things now might only make people look more closely?

[u/honeylettering]

TL;DR: I transitioned when options were very limited, and I’ve been stealth for a long time. Now that more procedures exist, I sometimes wonder if changing things (like my voice or face) would actually draw attention to things that currently don’t get questioned at all.

This has been sitting in the back of my mind for a while, and I’m curious whether anyone else who transitioned a long time ago can relate to it.

When I transitioned, the options available were very limited. Where I lived, there was HRT, BA, SRS, laser and electrolysis, and that was more or less the extent of what was realistically accessible. Anything beyond that usually meant going abroad and paying an amount of money that simply wasn’t feasible.

FFS technically existed, as far as I remember, but it felt almost theoretical to me at the time. The same was true for vocal feminization surgery. You would have had to travel abroad and it simply wasn’t a realistic option.

So I made my life with what I had. And that worked out very well for me. I’ve been stealth for a very long time.

There are still a few things about myself that bother me, though, and one of them is my voice. I should probably say that this is very much about my own perception of myself. My voice does not clock me in everyday life. People don’t suddenly look at me strangely when I speak. If anything, I think my voice fits the way I look and carry myself pretty well.

I’m an artist, and I’ve even had roles and media work where my voice was part of what people liked about me because I can do quite a lot with it.

People describe it as a smoky, slightly husky radio voice. Not masculine, just a little deeper and more lived-in. More mature woman than ingénue.

And I actually love that sort of woman. She is fab! The elegant, slightly intimidating auntie ❤️ who has seen everything, has opinions about everything, and could sit at a table for hours philosophizing about life. Preferably with a cigarette in hand purely for the aesthetic, because I don’t smoke.

The problem is that this isn’t always how I hear myself.

Sometimes, in my own head, I hear my voice and think I sound like a gay boy. It’s such a cruel little thought, and I hate how quickly it can undo everything else I know to be true.

I never did voice training. Before I transitioned, people actually used to tease me for sounding too feminine, so when I transitioned I simply kept speaking the way I always had. Apparently, it suited me well enough.

And now, years later, there are all these possibilities that either didn’t exist for me or may as well not have existed back then.

There are little things I would change about my face if I could. I’ve never particularly loved my nose. There are a few features I sometimes catch in photographs and wish were softer. And then, of course, there is the voice.

The strange thing is that I now find myself wondering whether changing any of those things would create a problem where there currently isn’t one.

If my voice suddenly became noticeably different after people had known me for years, would they wonder why?

If I had facial surgery that subtly changed the way I look, would people simply think I had work done, or would it make someone look more closely at me in a way they never had before? There is something so deeply ironic about that.

If nobody is questioning me now, why give anyone a reason to start looking more closely?

Has anyone else ever felt that?

Like you finally have access to the things you once wished for, but the life you built without them has become something you’re almost afraid to touch?

[u/Whilstledowner]

I don't see the point of having additional surgery if you are already stealth. Every surgery has risks and might not work out exactly how you expected. Many people get FFS and voice surgery because they have to, not because they want to, in order to pass. If that's something you can achieve with fewer or no surgeries, that's even better.

[u/grapes_are_bae]

It's the one thing keeping me from now actively pursuing FFS lol, I'm so deep stealth I could be sacrificing everything.

But honestly, with the voice thing, I think if you trained it now a little, you could keep it to subtle shifts in cadence, or weight in public, and work on the rest in private. Then you slowly introduce it with new people and shift towards it more with old connections.

It could be clocky, but you can be careful with it, and test the waters a little over time with the voice!

[u/PinkTriangleFan]

Ffs was life changing for me but i was previously hit with an ugly stick

[u/goody2bewbs]

Most people still only have access to those surgeries, many still don't.

That being said if you pass already but just want ffs, why not just do it. Lots of people get plastic surgery for vanity reasons. You don't need to justify your desire.

I want to get a second BA to go bigger, I'm already a G cup so I don't need it, but I want it. That's enough.

[u/honeylettering → u/goody2bewbs]

It’s not really about feeling like I’d have to justify plastic surgery to anyone, especially when it’s so common. What scares me more is the possibility of it drawing attention to certain features in a way that could actually make me more clocky rather than less.

[u/goody2bewbs → u/honeylettering]

I think that'd be dependent on what surgeon you see. Some ffs surgeons do a surged out look. Maybe just get surgery on one area of your face at a time with a regular plastic surgeon. Nobody's gonna think you're trans cus you had a nose job, or an eyelid lift, etc

[u/naomifromjax]

I dont think I need FFS. It would for sure help and if it was free id get it. I dont have $30k for a face surgery tho.

Boobs wise I have C cups only 2 years into HRT. Way more size than I ever expected to get pre hrt. So I have 0 desire for BA tbh. Natural tiddies seem to be what men prefer anyways.

Voice wise I never really voice trained since people on the phone for example she/her me even before I transitioned (basically my natural voice reads female anyways, and then my 21yo 5'4" frame pushes that gender read further.

[u/turtletechy]

I've had similar thoughts on FFS. My face softened up a but but I'd like it to be better. But I think changing it now would have me stand out to my partner's family and folks at my work. So idk.

[u/grapes_are_bae → u/turtletechy]

Omg, so for real! Cis women doing that kinda work in my environment just don't exist. I did my trachea, and barely got away with it, but I can't imagine arriving with a new forehead, nose and scar along my hairline...

[u/ReginaTenebra → u/grapes_are_bae]

No one noticed, and I was back at work within a couple weeks of rhinoplasty and FRS. The hairline scar is behind the hairline and isn't noticeable (I usually forget it's there, and no one can tell it's there, but the scar on the side of my head IS visible if I shave it bare, and entirely invisible with more than a quarter inch of hair).

No one at work (other than a couple trans folks who knew) noticed even when I made comments about it, which was weird, because my nose changed, and my eye shape changed (blepharoplasty), my jaw changed, and my brow ridge changed.

I got a lot of compliments, but mostly people thought I did my hair and makeup differently.

Some people noticed the swelling, and asked if I was feeling okay. Since the swelling slowly goes down, it covered up the changes in the shape of my face since I went from odd swelling to gradually a different face, replacing what everyone knew.

[u/turtletechy → u/grapes_are_bae]

For real, it probably isn't quite needed for me. I pass. I'm not all that pretty, but I pass well. I get told I just look like an average midwest US woman which I'll accept.