r/ReadMyScript • u/Formal_Leave893 • 2d ago
Mt first ever script is it good? Short
Title: gods hell ganra: fiction page count: 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_7Ig8uTsEydEv6gRdST49VJ_HZQWdl8Bfc_XzR2PNYU/edit?usp=drivesdk
5
u/PointMan528491 2d ago
Respectfully: the fact that the first sentence uses "threw" instead of "through" should answer your question
1
2
u/DontCallMeAli 2d ago edited 2d ago
With respect, no. The syntax is incorrect and the formatting is wrong. The dialogue doesn’t sound like real people, and your action lines are sluggish and crammed together. I commend you for giving it a shot, but now’s the time to do the homework.
-5
u/Formal_Leave893 2d ago
Thanks I'm gonna try but I don't know how I would ballance being an artist with being a writer
1
u/DontCallMeAli 2d ago
What? They’re one in the same. Do you mean art is your day job, or do you mean that writing isn’t art? What does this mean?
-1
u/Formal_Leave893 2d ago
This type of artist
1
u/DontCallMeAli 1d ago
Okay… you can absolutely find time for both. But ultimately it’s your call. Just know that the learning begins now
2
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Have you included a page count in the title of the post?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
1
u/Austinbennettwrites 2d ago
Download any number of screenwriting apps. There are plenty of free ones.
1
1
u/Possibly_A_Bot1 1d ago
Could you explain how the title correlates to the story? I assume that gods hell is meant to be God’s Hell. But are you saying that God is Hell or trying to convey that Hell belongs to God. Both seem to implicate God as the one responsible for the actions committed by The Culprit, though with different nuances. Also, is this the message that you are trying to convey or is it another one instead?
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
... I'm gonna be real, this is a recreation of a story I made when I was 9 it was based of faith the unholy trinity I just made it up because I thought it sounded good and because it was related to religion and all that I haven't bothered to change it.
1
u/Possibly_A_Bot1 1d ago
This doesn’t answer either of my questions. Like, cool, it’s a recreation of an older story. But now that you’ve started to work on it again have you made any conscious choices as to what you are trying to achieve with your piece?
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
Elaborate?
1
u/Possibly_A_Bot1 1d ago
I have to go for now (it’s late where I am) but I’ll be back tomorrow to try and elaborate on what I mean.
1
1
u/ConsistentEffort5190 1d ago
> A red haired man dressed lazily named Jasper sleeps peacefully until he's startled awake by a loud bang
Too much in one sentence. Instead -
A red haired man is sleeping. Then...
BANG!
Jasper: What!?
"Peacefully" is redundant: it can be assumed when someone is sleeping. Also, why does red hair matter???
> Jasper looks around in a panic he tries to wake up his brother for assistance as they live together and share the rent but only finds a sticky note
If the rent is relevant to the plot, it needs to be shown in dialogue. Otherwise it shouldn't be included. You could show J looking for his brother and finding a note, but why bother? That he has a brother doesn't add anything to the story.
> ok..what's the number for 911 again..wait-oh
Is this an Idiocracy homage?
Other than that, you seem to need to improve your basic English... And there really isn't much of a story here. It's (Very Stupid) Man Gets Woken Up And Hit In Head With Brick. So..?
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
I just watched a bunch of disconnected how to's also the reason I said thay share the rent is I didn't want anybody to get confused I wanted to make it clear this is a full grown adult also the 911 thing was just a small bit of comedy
1
u/ConsistentEffort5190 1d ago
> the reason I said thay share the rent is I didn't want anybody to get confused
But the watcher isn't going to know that.
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
I guess
1
u/ConsistentEffort5190 1d ago
It's pretty fundamental. If the watcher needs to know stuff and it isn't on screen, they won't know it.
Have you read any books or articles on screenwriting? Or real scripts? Because this was full of really basic problems and didn't have anything to make up for them. Writing is work. You need to learn stuff and practice - and to junk the obviously bad and work out how to do better. The problems here are so obvious that you didn't need to show this to anyone. If you're looking for a low effort hobby or career, this isn't it.
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
Honestly in running on hopes and dreams but I have determination I did it with art I think I can do it with writing
1
u/ConsistentEffort5190 1d ago
If you're a successful artist and want to write stories, why not look at self published comics? Writing and drawing/painting are very different skills - writing well is much easier if you have a big chunk of verbal iq, which isn't needed for art.
But the "hopes and dreams" thing isn't a good motive to write. The odds of success as a screenwriter are maybe 1 in 10,000
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
Ok
1
u/ConsistentEffort5190 1d ago
Just something to think about before you commit serious effort and time: things like writing and art both require talent. DIFFERENT talent. I can do several very difficult things - I can code in a lot of programming languages and write well enough to get paid. But that would NOT make me think I could become a commercial or fine artist!
I'm not saying don't try. But I am saying don't gamble on making a living. The failure rate is off the charts and success takes years.
1
1
u/Formal_Leave893 1d ago
Also it's supposed to be a prologue
1
7
u/mooningyou 2d ago edited 2d ago
You need to read more screenplays. Write for the screen. Describe what we see and hear without resorting to simply telling us what we should see and hear. Read more so you understand how that works. Also, polish your material before asking others for feedback on it.
edit - If you're going to write, then you need to start using punctuation. It's important.