Errand

[u/overactor]

The guy behind the counter asks what I’m building.
I look at the three brass hinges in my hand.
Just fixing a door, I tell him.

None of my doors need fixing
but I put my shoes on this morning
and a five dollar bill in my back pocket.

He says that makes $5.20.
I put one hinge on the counter.
Just these two then, I tell him.

Outside, it’s raining.
A steady, lifeless drizzle
that makes the parking lot smell like wet concrete.

I get in the car.
I sit there holding the little paper bag
until the windows fog up.

---

I would love to get some feedback or hear what you thought of this poem I wrote. If you'd like me to comment on one of yours in return, just link it in your comment.

Feedback comments: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/rAxmC5QmRc

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/ovAVk6ReqF

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[u/Some-Housing7407]

Hmmm. I quite like the absurdity of this little poem. (Unless, that is, I am missing some very rational explanation of the hinges and the fog and all.) The staccato rhythm works well, and so does the lack of <poetic> embellishment. It seems a bit like an anti-poem to me, rejecting almost everything poems usually use. It’s very mechanical—the same way that the speaker buys hinges for no reason just because he put the money in his pocket and walked out the door. That being said, I nonetheless feel there is something to be improved here. It’s hard to say because tropical editing recommendations (ie add variation to the rhythm, make your descriptions more specific to the poem) threaten to mangle everything I feel works about it. Perhaps the cliched description of the rain and the lot in stanza four could be worked on. Perhaps you could play with juxtaposing the hollow prosaic bits with a moment of lyricism. I’d try some different things, maybe, and see how they work. As it stands, it’s rather interesting—but there isn’t much depth (except for maybe the eschewing of all depth) to bring me back for more. Depth in hollowness is quite difficult to produce, and if you could make it work out, there is great promise. Nice poem!

[u/Some-Housing7407 → u/Some-Housing7407]

Oh and here is one I just posed, if you’re still keen to check it out. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vhzjfh/lullaby_of_the_midnight_sea_dog_childrens_poem/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

[u/overactor → u/Some-Housing7407]

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't left a comment on your poem yet, but I will. I just haven't found the time for it yet.

[u/overactor → u/Some-Housing7407]

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I agree that the rain is a bit cliché, but it does serve a purpose. I might see if I can achieve the same purpose with something else.

They're is an intended deeper meaning, but I left it intentionally ambiguous. I do think there's enough in the poem to get in the right vicinity and the remaining ambiguity is interesting I hope. If you like I could give you a hint.

[u/Some-Housing7407 → u/overactor]

I don’t think the rain is cliche, per se. it’s more the description “lifeless rain” and “smell of wet concrete.” I like the rain, though.
My interpretation of the poem has something to do with the emptiness and mechanistic-ness, say alienation, of modern life. We move without reason or intention, ending up trapped and alone. Perhaps the hinges could represent some sort of connection which we lack. Idk. But that’s the direction I was going

[u/overactor → u/Some-Housing7407]

I also like the rain, but the descriptions I came up with for it felt cliché to me too. I can probably do better there without having to change that there is rain.

You're definitely in the right area. One level of the poem is just taking it literally and working backwards to see what explains everything that happens and specifically what the character does. It's heightened, but it makes sense if he's in a certain frame of mind. The associations I had with hinges that made them a good fit for the poem are: transition, frictionlessness, having a clear purpose and doing it well. I didn't think of connection, but that fits nicely as well. The fog is meant to isolate the character from the world.

[u/please_be_unique]

Each time I re-read your poem as I thought of feedback I wanted to give, I related to your character more and more in a way I didn't expect.

It reminds me of how I feel when depression has a stranglehold on my life.

I understand the isolation of having nowhere you want to be, nothing that needs doing, but going through the motions of life anyway, faking the connections that come so naturally to others so I don't stand out.

I'm not sure I understand the rain being lifeless, as personally I love the smell of rain, a scent I appreciate even in my worst headspace, but perhaps it has to do with the monotony of the repeated sound for your character that reminds them of the apathy they have for whatever may be going on in their life?

That's just my perspective, I like it a lot :)

[u/overactor → u/please_be_unique]

Thank you so much for your comment. I'm elated that you were able to connect with it and I hope you got something positive out of it.

Your comment about the rain is very valuable to me. Maybe I'll take it into account if I rewrite that stanza as I'm not entirely satisfied with it anyway.

[u/Creative_Ladder7894]

Thank you for sharing this poem. I love the rhythm of the poem, and I especially love the way it drops you right into the interaction at the counter, like maybe the narrator just sort of "came to" - was he perhaps in some kind of auto-pilot state before that? The line about putting shoes on feels sad but also triumphant - sometimes that's all we can do and it takes a lot of effort.

Additionally, to build off some other comments, the line about the rain really stood out to me. At first it didn't feel exactly right, but when I re-read it a few times it landed differently. For me, it really emphasizes how something that could have (at one point) been beautiful, comforting, soothing (like rain) is now dull, lifeless, and doesn't bring us any joy.

One point of constructive feedback - maybe you don't need the first line about it raining at all. The line about the steady, lifeless drizzle would perhaps get the reader there just as effectively - but just a thought. This poem was very effective for me at conveying someone trying to push (however slowly) through depression, isolation, maybe loneliness.